Big Nate (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

[upbeat acoustic music]
- Hmm, uh, be right back, gang.
- Do you notice Dad
always goes back home
when it's time to leave?
- Hmm, yeah,
now, that you mention it.
[chuckles]
Yeah, we're on time for once.
- Hold that thought.
- This film runs three hours.
- Uh, I should pop home
real quick.
[ship horn blaring]
- Off we go far from home
into the vast expanse
that is the sea.
- I'll be right back.
- Okay, Dad, what is up with
you always going back inside
when it's time to leave?
- What, me?
[chuckles]
Nah--hey,
what smells like bananas?
- Ugh, Nate's
"Booyah Banana Body Spray,"
also known as girl repellant.
- Whatevs, Ellen.
I saw Jenny enjoying a banana
just last week.
- Dad, can we please go?
- Sure.
Hmm.
- You know what?
I can't live like this anymore.
[school bell rings]
- Rube Goldberg machines
accomplish a simple task
in the most overcomplicated
and inefficient way possible,
not unlike the DMV
or the Rackleff
Public School System.
Behold.
Oh, and there it goes.
Wow,
would you look at that?
Precision.
Oh, almost missed it.
Ooh, ah, yes, oh.
And that's one way
to water a houseplant.
Pretty amazing, right?
- A marvel of engineering,
Mr. Galvin.
- Over the weekend,
you'll invent your own
Rube Goldberg machine.
You'll be working in pairs.
all: Ugh!
- Pairs?
[upbeat music]
- Don't want to go
to school today
The sun is red hot
and I wanna play
But if I get caught
they'll make me pay
Detention again
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Math and social studies
just ain't my thing
- Big Nate, Big Nate
- Rocking with my band
is where I'm king
Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test
- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Big Nate
[loud clang]
[loud crash]
[students groaning]
- In team projects,
someone always gets shafted.
Usually me.
Sometimes you get paired
with a friend
All right,
egg drop challenge take seven.
Don't break.
Please, don't break.
- Yeah, all right!
[egg cracks]
Huh?
Hmm, omelet!
- But your friend
turns out to be useless.
- [burps]
[chick peeping]
- Worse yet,
you get paired
with someone
with ulterior motives.
- Let's work together forever,
my precious.
- Uh
[chuckles]
My boo needs a cuddle break.
- [grunts]
[screams]
- I've assigned your partners.
[students groan]
- Hmm.
Me and
[gags]
Kim?
[eerie music]
- My precious boo.
- Jenny and Artur?
That's not happening.
Teddy, quick,
distract Galvin.
- Um, huh?
[screams]
- Holy calcium!
Come back here, Ferdinand!
[upbeat rock music]
- [laughs]
Phew.
Artur and Kim.
- Wait, Nate and I
are supposed to--
- Nate and Jenny.
- Ah, must be fate.
- Francis and Teddy.
Dee Dee and Gina.
- Mm-hmm.
- Chad and Randy.
- [gasps]
- [chuckles]
- [chuckles nervously]
[school bell rings]
- Wanna go play Frisbee
in the park?
- Ah, I can't.
I'm going to Jenny's
to work on the project.
[laughs]
[imitates whip cracking]
- Dude, it's Friday,
and you want to do homework?
I--uh, but, uh--I--but--
what's wrong with you?
- It's not about homework,
liver-butt.
It's about spending time
with Jenny outside of school.
- Outside of school
is where you shine.
- Exactly, she's finally
gonna see how awesome I am.
Ugh.
[soft dramatic music]
- Okay, now just keep
your beady little eyes on dad.
- Ah, time to prep
the merchandise
so Jenny can go shopping.
- I wanna stand
with you on the mountain
I wanna bathe
with you in the sea
- Perfect.
And now for the final touch.
[sniffs]
- Until the sky
falls down on me
- [chuckles]
Banana fresh.
[doorbell rings]
Nothing in my teeth, right?
[eerie music]
[screams]
[screams]
- [meows]
- Uh, hello?
- [screaming]
- Heads up, Teddy!
- [screaming]
She has a cat!
- [screams]
Wait, so?
- So?
Did your parents never tell you
the truth about cats?
- Can we please get a cat?
Please?
- No.
- Please?
- No.
- Please, please, please,
please, please,
please, please.
[sobbing]
Please, please.
- Do you know what cats
actually do at night?
Cats come into
little boys' rooms
and suck their souls out
through their noses.
- What?
- [slurping]
- Sounds like your dad
just didn't wanna deal
with owning a cat.
- [sighs]
I'm gonna have
to face my fear someday,
so might as well be for Jenny.
I'm doing it.
If I don't come back,
make sure
my sister gets nothing.
- Hey, I'm gonna go
run some errands.
- Perfect.
- Ugh, come on, Marty.
This is your safe toilet.
Get all your pee out now.
You don't wanna use
a strange bathroom.
- Huh?
What'd he say?
- You don't wanna use
a strange bathroom.
A strange bathroom.
A strange bathroom.
- He's afraid
of rando bathrooms?
- So should we, like,
build this Rube Goldberg thing
out of wood or whatever?
[eerie music]
Hello?
- Uh, sorry.
Yeah, I--I'm listening.
Hey, so where's your cat?
- Oh, you're a cat guy.
Artur is too.
He calls Felicia moj kot.
- Yeah, Artur's accent
is, like, super weird, right?
- No, that's how you say
"My cat" in Stylgravian.
Artur's bilingual.
- [grumbles]
- Hello, friend Nate.
[screams]
Pfft.
[laughs]
- [sniffs]
Do you smell rotten banana?
- Uh, I--
[chuckles]
I'm gonna go stand over here.
I was thinking for our project,
we could use books to create
a domino effect like this.
Ah!
- Oh, no.
The pig
my Grandma Maude gave me.
I'll--I'll get a dustpan.
[sobbing]
- Ugh.
[groans softly]
Hm?
[screams]
- Uh, what you
doing there, kitty?
- [rings bell]
[meows]
- [screams]
- Nate, are you okay?
Wait, are you, like,
scared of Felicia or something?
- [laughs]
No, Nate Wright
does not know fear.
- Then why'd you jump up?
- Uh, I--'cause I
wet my pants.
- Ew.
[high-pitched whistling]
- [gasps]
Uh
- [laughs]
You--you told her
you peed your pants?
[laughing]
- Well, I couldn't let her
think I'm afraid of cats, duh.
- Yeah, letting her think you
peed your pants is way better.
- Ah, don't feel bad.
Lots of people
have irrational fears.
For example, I'm paranoid that
real actors will be replaced
by CG actors before my career
even gets off the ground.
- I agree.
It worries me too.
[laughing eerily]
- And I used to be
afraid of lizards
till my mom sent me
to immersion therapy.
- What's immersion therapy?
- It's when they dunk you
in a vat of lizards.
Oh, no!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, no!
They're chomping on my knees!
And I like it!
Thank you, Mom.
Where can we get a vat of cats?
- I think my uncle Pedro
knows a feline farmer.
- I am not getting
in a vat of cats.
Whoa!
- Epic idea alert.
Last year I played a cat
in Rackleff Regional Theater's
production of "Yarn,"
the sequel
to hit musical "Cats."
I'll just get my costume and--
- How about I just go watch
a bunch of internet cat videos
until I'm not
freaked out anymore?
- That's right.
You show those kitties
who's boss.
[thunder rumbles]
- [grunting and straining]
[cat meowing]
Oh, no.
It's so horrible!
[sobbing]
- [hisses]
[meows]
- [screams]
- [growls]
Meow.
- Huh?
- Meow, mew, meow!
[growling]
Mew, meow, mew, meow!
- [screams]
Dee Dee, what the--?
- [French accent]
Who's Dee Dee?
I'm Veronica,
and I've come to immerse you
in the world of cats.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
Could you not--
- I can hurry, I can scurry,
I am furry
I am fluffy, I am puffy,
I am scruffy
I'm never sleepy,
never weepy, never creepy
I'm not yucky,
I am lucky, I am plucky
- Ugh, please make it stop.
- Hey now
unfurrow your brow
And meow
with Mrs. Veronica
Hey now
unfurrow your brow
And meow
with Mrs. Veronica
Huh?
- There, Dee Dee.
see the toy?
Go get it.
- [growls]
- [sighs]
- Cats just want love, Nate.
Show a cat love,
and she'll never hurt you.
- Oh, how cats show love.
[dramatic music]
Oh, cats like dead things.
- Out here cast away
From society as a --
- Oof.
- Dad.
- [screams]
- I think that it's time
that we talk
about your fear
of public restrooms.
- Fear?
I don't know
what you're talking about.
- This is a safe space, okay?
You are only as sick
as your secrets,
and you are pretty sick, Dad.
- [sighs]
It all started when I
was about five years old.
Dad, can we go
at that gas station?
Can we go at that restaurant?
- Marty, come on,
I promise we're almost home.
- But I have to go pee badly.
- Okay, Marty.
We can stop.
But, you know,
when the toilets snakes
sense a stranger approaching,
well, they slither
up the pipes
and they bite you
on the bippy.
- No, Daddy, don't stop.
I don't have to go anymore.
- [chuckles]
Kids.
- Dad, you know
that Grandpa
was just messing
with you, right?
I mean, toilet snakes
aren't real.
You know,
it's just a silly myth.
It's like
trickle-down economics
or--or cats sucking
your soul out, right?
- He broke me forever.
- No, no, no.
You are not broken, okay?
You might be badly chipped,
but it is never too late
to get help.
Tomorrow, you and I will go--
- Out for ice cream.
Good idea.
- No, Dad, we will go
to a public restroom.
- [sobbing]
I'm so afraid.
Hold me.
[tender music]
[doorbell rings]
- [Irish accent]
Top of the morning to you.
- Huh?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm being all bilingual again.
Yeah, that's how you say
"good morning" in gibberish.
- Oh, weird.
- [snarls]
[meows]
Why are you
always trying to leave?
- Oh, hey,
I brought Felicia a present.
- That's fake, right?
- Oh, oh, yeah.
[chuckles]
Yeah, of course.
No.
- Dad, you've been in there
for over an hour now.
Okay, I'm coming in.
How's it going in here?
- Turns out I don't have to go.
- What's the--
what's the bell for?
- To scare
the toilet snakes away.
I'm pathetic.
I'm a broken toy.
- Oh, Dad, let's get
some liquid in your bladder,
and we'll try this again, okay?
- You done?
Gotta snake the toilet.
- [screams]
Bad man, bad man!
Safe toilet,
I'm coming for you!
- Ugh, this must be
what potty training is like.
- [meowing]
- Ugh, this can't be right.
It doesn't do anything.
- Hm, well,
do you have any rope?
- I'll look in the basement.
Ah!
- [meows]
- Hey, we're cool, right?
- I'm cool.
Jury's still out on you.
- Huh?
Oh.
But--but I brought you a gift.
- I appreciate your perverted
token of affection, Nate,
but it's not love I crave.
It's freedom.
- Yeah, yeah.
I--I can---
- Open the door, Nate.
Do I need to remind you
what I'm capable of?
I can taste your soul.
- Fine, here you go.
- Jenny's never gonna
forgive you for letting me out.
- Wait, what?
You made me!
You said she'd never know.
Hey, come back here!
No, no, no, no, no!
- Were you talking to someone?
- What?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Just brainstorming our project.
- You know, I'm glad
I got paired with you.
You're so serious
about this assignment.
I normally get stuck
with someone lazy.
- Oh, thanks, Jenny.
I love working with you too--
- [gasps]
Where's Felicia?
Was she here with you
when I left to get the rope?
- I--I don't think so.
I'm sure she's around here
somewhere though.
- She's been trying
to get out for years!
I can't believe
I left the door open!
- Oh, don't worry.
We'll find her, or not.
Hopefully not.
- My mom will be home soon.
Maybe she'll know what to do.
- Okay, well, then
should we get back to work?
- I'm too distraught?
- Would a hug help?
- Yes.
I wish Artur were here.
- [grumbles]
Artur.
Well, I'm sure
someone will find a cat.
- They would be
my hero for life.
- Your hero?
For life?
all: Felicia!
Felicia!
- Oh, there she is.
- That is clearly a squirrel.
all: Felicia!
Here, Felicia!
- Found her.
- Chad, have you had
an eye exam recently?
- Ugh, this is hopeless.
I had one chance to show Jenny
how awesome I am.
I totally blew it.
- Maybe Uncle Pedro can help.
- Oh, this place
is pretty cool.
- Ooh!
- Cool.
[knocks]
- Welcome to my collection
of curiosities.
I have devoted my life
to the salvage and restoration
of the world's
most intriguing baubles,
doodads, knickknacks,
novelties, inventions, myths,
legends, conspiracy theories,
and hot gossip!
- Your uncle is the coolest.
- [laughs]
It is good you came to me.
I have many
one-of-a-kind devices
designed to capture
supernatural beasts.
- Uh, it's just a cat.
- Nothing is just a cat,
boy with the frightened soul.
- How does he know?
- I must go now
to teach aqua aerobics
to those who've learned
to swim but not do aerobics.
- All right, everybody.
Let's do this.
[all cheer]
[upbeat rock music]
[laughs]
this will work perfect.
Take two.
Huh?
Huh?
- Mm-mm.
- Mm-mm.
- Ah.
wow, it looks awesome.
Let's test it.
Hey, Chad,
pretend there's food there.
- Okay, Nate,
but there's no food there.
- That's why he said pretend.
- Well, maybe Chad's
a method actor.
Does anyone have any food?
- I have a hard-boiled egg.
[breathes deeply]
[imitating chicken]
[applause]
Hey, look, egg.
[screams]
[all cheer]
- We do stuff like this
at Apocalypse Summer Camp.
- The plan's been conceived.
The wheels are in motion.
All we need now is bait
fit to entice a cat.
- Ooh, I have a bunch
of old tuna at home.
- [groaning]
- Dad, is this
too much for you?
- No, I know
it's for my own good.
- That's the spirit, Dad!
Open wide.
Are you ready to pee?
Huh?
Who's ready to pee?
That's okay.
I will get more juice.
- Dude, your family
is super weird.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
Now, let's get the tuna
from my bedroom.
- My mom keeps tuna
in the kitchen.
Guess my family's weird too.
- I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna have to do it.
I'm gonna have to use
a strange restroom.
- You might be badly chipped,
but it is never
too late to get help.
We will go
to a public restroom.
- Oh, or I could just pee
in the yard like a real man.
No toilet snakes there.
Good thing I have
my trusty toilet snakes belt
just in case.
- So my dad
makes the most horrendous
tuna noodle casserole
in the world,
so whenever we have it
for dinner, I sneak off
and dump my plate into
this inconspicuous duffle bag.
Genius, right?
- [retching]
- [gags]
[bell ringing]
- The trap has been triggered!
The eagle has landed!
I repeat, the eagle has landed!
- Dad, where are you?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
we don't know if it's the cat.
- It's definitely Felicia.
That's her bell.
I'm gonna be the hero
that found her cat.
- Says the doofus that let
the cat out of the first place.
- [grunts]
Why is it so heavy?
It must be all the souls
Felicia's consumed.
[doorbell rings]
[panting]
I did it.
Don't worry, Jenny.
I saved the day.
- [meows]
- [screams]
There's two cats.
- Two?
No, just my baby.
She came back, like, 20 minutes
after you left.
- Wait, what?
[soft dramatic music]
- I gotta go!
- [screams]
Oh, how crazy.
I seem to have trapped
a totally rando man
that I, for sure,
am in no way related to.
- You can trap men with that?
Wait, is this
a Rube Goldberg thingy?
- Uh, yes, it is.
[chuckles]
Surprise!
- Aw, Nate, you're so awesome.
- [sighs]
- I used a strange bathroom!
I'm cured.
Who's the man?
You the man.
Whoo-hoo!
- Uh, anyway, since
we're done with the project,
wanna catch a movie?
- [laughs]
No, I'm gonna
hang out with Artur.
Thanks for doing
all the work though.
Best team project ever.
See you Monday.
- Wait, Jenny, don't you wanna
at least see how it works?
[school bell rings]
Okay, our Rube Goldberg's
a critter catcher.
I'll use crickets as bait
and our class lizard Sheila
will be the critter.
It's pretty awesome, right?
- This would have
been triggering
before my immersion therapy.
- A+.
Marvelous engineering.
Oh, goodness.
Have both of you
finally learned something?
- [sighs]
Don't we just make
a great team?
- Artur and Kim.
- We are have made
a love machine.
It is for deliver affection
direct to heart of beloved.
[tender music]
- [sighs]
- This is for my precious boo.
- Ugh.
- [chuckles]
- Hey, Nate, I'm gonna pee
in your school's bathroom
because I can!
Mwah!
I'll come say hi
after I'm done!
[laughs]
[laughter]
- I can hurry,
I can scurry, I am furry
I am fluffy,
I am puffy, I am scruffy
I'm never sleepy,
never weepy, never creepy
I'm not yucky,
I am lucky, I am plucky
Hey now
unfurrow your brow
And meow
with Mrs. Veronica
Hey now
unfurrow your brow
And meow
with Mrs. Veronica