Billy and Billie (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Breed
1 [ Keyboard clacking .]
Mm.
Hey.
Morning, sunshine.
Hey.
Fuck, what time did you get up? About an hour ago.
Jesus.
I crashed so hard.
I'm glad we took the train up, though, last night and not this morning.
It's nice to wake up here, you know, at home.
Not really home now, but, yeah, i know what you mean.
Well, kind of.
I mean, they kept our rooms the same.
Maybe they did yours.
Mine has a bowflex in it.
They like me more.
It happens.
Yeah.
Flex happens.
James: Morning, kids.
Morning.
Hey.
You guys good? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
[ Sighs .]
I put some coffee on earlier, so I thought we could all have a chat, some breakfast.
You -- you -- i put the coffee on.
I was up way before you.
You did? Yeah.
I thought I did that.
No.
[ Sighs .]
Hope that's not, like, early onset Alzheimer's.
I don't think so.
I think it's more -- it has more to do with you just taking credit for everything anyone does.
Oh, good.
[ Sighs .]
Well, Alzheimer's would suck.
I know.
I know, right? It's good to see you, dad.
Hi, baby.
Hey.
How are you? I'm good, yeah.
Good to see you.
Whoa.
God, come on.
What? She's my daughter.
Stepdaughter.
Step.
But -- so? Jesus, Billy.
You're a grown person.
It was a kiss.
Yeah.
A family kiss.
Okay.
All right.
Um [ Clears throat .]
Anyway, uh, I could make some eggs or something, you know, if it's easy.
How's that sound? What about me? Are you gonna kiss me now? I am your actual child.
We could do anything you like or -- or go to the diner even.
Mm-hmm.
Boys do not kiss boys.
Well, I think you need to go downtown more.
Actually, the diner will probably be busy.
It's a holiday.
Let's just do something here.
True.
I'll make some eggs.
Okay.
Or waffles.
Yes, I love waffles.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Your mother's still asleep.
I'll get the bacon going.
You, uh, mix up a batch of waffles, and we'll get this thing started.
Okay.
Yeah, do it.
Carson's still asleep, too, so Ah, I love that kid.
I know, he's the best.
All right, let's do it.
What about you, big boy? Are you gonna sit there and sulk, or are you gonna help out? I think I'll sulk.
Great.
Nice to see some things don't change.
[ Scoffs .]
Dude, what's your damage? Nothing.
He's Let's just have breakfast without any drama, okay? It's a holiday.
Go get a family kiss.
I will.
All right, dad, let's do this.
All right! Oh, here we go.
All right, let me find that, uh -- how'd you know that was there? 'Cause I live here, dad.
Oh, that's right.
I used to.
When's the last time you were here? Oh, I don't know.
It's been a while, right? Yeah, I think it was like fourth of July or something.
Okay, now, ah, waffle.
Do you have a mix? 'Cause I can't make anything from scratch.
You can't? No.
Here, let's, uh Am I in your way? No, not one bit.
Not one bit.
Oh, yeah.
Here comes the fire.
Like this, kind of? Uh, yeah -- well, no, more, more around the mouth 'cause he -- he wants fire coming out of his mouth.
He was [Chuckles.]
he was very specific.
Okay, so, this is what we're using for fire? Uh, I guess so.
Your father is in charge of the pyrotechnics, so [ Chuckles .]
Pyrotechnics -- now, that -- that is generous.
I'm sure it'll just involve whiskey and a lighter.
Stop.
Uh, listen, your father is trying to curb his drinking these days.
Aww.
At least he is trying.
I don't have a drinking problem.
Yeah, right.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Um, I got to take this.
Who is it? It's just, uh [ Hum to tune of "September" .]
Fuck off.
It's tom from work.
Really? Language.
Well, tell your daughter to stop taunting me.
[ Humming continues .]
[ Singing to tune of "September" .]
suck my fucking dick shut the fuck fucking suck my fucking dick you two getting along okay? Uh, yeah, I guess.
Hmm.
Why? Oh, no reason.
It's just -- it's just funny, that's all.
What is? Nothing.
It's just you two being friends and all, I mean, now.
What? It's just -- i don't know.
I mean, it's just when this all first started and James and i got together and then all through high school and then, you know, the last few years.
You're both working down in New York, and you don't exactly make an effort to be a family, at least hardly ever.
So? So, that's all.
I mean, it's just now that -- he's sleeping on your couch when he gets drunk.
You guys take the same train up together.
I mean, d-don't -- don't get me wrong.
It's -- it's nice.
It's just It's just strange, that's all.
Well, people evolve, I guess.
I guess they -- they do.
Sometimes.
Except for your stepfather.
Who the hell is that? I don't know, but she's tall.
Oh, no.
It's drew.
She must be here for Halloween.
Drew, what's up?! Hey, Billie! Come on, let's go say hi.
Oh, my god, it's cold out there.
don't be a baby.
[ Laughs .]
Coming, coming, coming.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not being mean about it.
I know it caught you off guard.
Yeah, man.
Well, Keith's crazy.
Yeah, rich and crazy.
I think one sort of fosters the other, if my -- if my dad is any indication.
Listen, I'm actually up at my folks' right now for the holiday.
Got to be here so my little brother has his adult siblings with him when he trick-or-treats.
I know.
I know, it's dumb.
But, uh, look, I'll -- I'll let my -- I'll let my, uh, doorman know you're coming.
He'll have a key for you.
His name is tito.
Tito.
Ti-to, like the guy in the Jackson 5.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
The one on the end who didn't do anything.
All right.
All right, take it easy.
So, look, he's gonna have a key for you, he'll know you're coming, and I'll be back Sunday night or, uh, possibly Monday morning.
If we're late coming in, I'll just -- I'll go straight to work, and I'll meet you there.
No, I'm not with Denise.
Damn it! Well -- well, look, man, I asked you not to talk about her, and then every time I see you, you bring her up.
Thank you.
No, I'm with Billie.
Stepsister, yes.
Yeah, I -- I know she's kind of cute.
Listen, you need to go on one of those sites and fuck somebody soon, all right? Just so you can shut up about girls.
I'm not kidding.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Sorry I cursed.
Sorry i-i was cussing.
I'll meet you out there in a minute.
Get out of here.
Hey, sorry.
Just my little brother was just creeping in and listening.
I know, it's weird.
He's like that kid from "the omen.
" I swear to god.
He never says anything, and then he's always right there.
I don't know.
Anyways, do that, though, really.
Meet someone and just -- I think you need to get it taken care of.
A-actually, don't.
don't do it -- don't do it this week while you're at my house.
Save that for next weekend.
Go on a grinder or something.
[ Chuckles .]
I didn't -- I didn't know.
I didn't know it was the gay one, sorry.
Use it anyway.
All right, man.
I got to go.
No -- no problem, no problem.
All right.
Um, don't touch my shit, though.
Promise? Okay, man.
I'll see you soon.
Take care.
He's gonna touch my shit.
Anyway, Halloween.
Ugh, Halloween in New York.
[ Laughs .]
Ugh, it's awful.
You know it's horrible.
What? I don't want to be there.
And then you come outside, and I see like 1,000 fionas, people dressed up like me, as my character, on my show, outside.
That's fucking crazy.
That's weird.
Girl.
I don't want to be involved in that shit.
Having people dress up like you for Halloween is one of the greatest compliments you can ever receive.
You would think that.
I do.
But it's actually kind of creepy.
I don't like it.
Could they ever compare to this? Okay, but -- no, I don't think so.
Stop dressing like me.
You don't see my point.
It's weird.
It's fucking weird.
Okay, fine.
So I said fuck it, i got to get out of here, and I called my assistant.
That, uh, girl they got for me, what's her name? I don't know.
Jill or Anna.
Is that her name? I can't remember.
And she booked me a car, and I came up to see my folks this weekend.
That's awesome.
Good surprise.
Yep.
Love it.
I'm leaving on Sunday night 'cause I have an early call time on Monday, like 5:00 A.
M.
or some such ridiculous shit.
Gross.
Do you want a-a ride back? Um The driver was so cute.
I got his card.
I fucking love you.
I love that you do that.
Just a card here, a card there, stack 'em up, numbers, numbers.
What? You never know who Mr.
right might be.
It's a lesson.
I thought you were gonna marry an ugly man.
No, when did I say that? You said it sometime.
At lunch you said it.
I don't remember.
Ugly and rich, ugly and rich.
Oh, right, right, right.
Yes, that was the criteria.
No shit.
I was trying to sound sweet or something.
Not that I wouldn't marry an ugly guy.
Or normal looking -- i think that's what I said.
Normal to ugly.
Normal to ugly.
Normal to ugly.
That's what I said.
Got it, okay.
But, yeah.
When I'm ready to settle down.
Understood.
Normal to ugly.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
That makes sense.
So, are you taking the kid around tonight, house to house and all that shit? Yeah, probably.
That's gross.
Fuck you, bitch.
He is my brother, and trick-or-treating is awesome.
Um, he's a half.
He's your half brother, like Elvis played in those western films, like that.
[ As Elvis .]
I'm a -- I'm a half-breed.
WhatWas that? And why do you know about Elvis and -- [ normal voice .]
Because it's entertainment, duh.
That is the field that I work in.
Please do your Elvis impression for me again.
[ As Elvis .]
Oh, a little bit of this? Yes.
Little lady.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Billy, what's shaking, Billy? Trying to rig this thing so it, uh, has a fire-breathing effect for Carson's costume.
He's a dragon for Halloween.
Oh, thus "fire," got it.
Yeah.
Cool.
Hey, I drank out of that earlier.
I hope that's all right.
That's cool.
Maybe I can sell it on ebay.
You probably can.
You would not believe some of the shit that people sell that I have signed or touched or whatever.
Yeah.
This is crazy.
Being on TV, it's fucking nuts.
I bet.
Oh, yeah, I went to comic-con this year.
Awesome.
And those people are -- well, most of 'em are very sweet, but the costumes! Oh, I bet they would do a kick-ass fire effect for Carson if we went to comic-con.
Maybe.
They'd probably just light him on fire.
[ Laughs .]
Or that.
Or that.
No shit, they would.
Just douse him in gasoline.
[ Laughs .]
They're crazy about their shows and, like, getting pictures together and all that.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Have you been? I bet you have.
I haven't.
I almost went one year for the magazine, but we didn't -- wait, I'm sorry.
You're still at the magazine? What is it called again? Say it.
You say it.
I want to hear you say it.
She just likes hearing me -- likes hearing me say it.
It's called chisel.
Like, what's the big deal? Right, yeah.
I don't get it.
Like, what? Get over it.
[ Laughing .]
It's sort of phallic.
It's phallic.
[ Laughs .]
Right, yeah.
Yeah, I like that one.
You should come, um, and do a story with us.
We'd do a story on you.
Hey.
Do a little photo spread.
Yeah, drew Peters.
Um I think it'd be cool if Billie did some illustrations, too.
[ Gasps .]
What? Yeah, I haven't actually brought it up to you yet, but I was thinking, uh, i could probably get you a job, get you some work at the magazine if you wanted.
Oh! Oh.
Huh.
Um, i would say get a room, but that would make me sick in my head.
What? What are you talking about? Fuck off.
Fuck off.
You guys stop it right now.
don't say that to me about me and troll face.
Shut up, fucking asshole.
don't -- be nice to her.
Frog legs.
She's a beautiful thing.
Anyway, um, i was saying before, uh, we're gonna drive back on Sunday if you want a ride.
Oh, we, um, -- we actually came together, so Cool, but he can get his own ride back, can't he? Can't you? No.
Big boy.
I don't know.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I would invite you, but three people in the back of a town car is a little too crowded.
Yeah.
Plus, we want to have some girl time, so Yeah.
Yeah.
That's -- i don't want to be around that.
Yep.
Got to go figure this out.
Okay.
It's not like I'm prometheus or whatever.
He's who gave fire to mankind.
Thanks, Alex trebek.
Oh.
I know who -- does he think i don't know who prometheus is? I know.
We studied him in fucking -- Alex trebek, who is the host of "jeopardy!" Bye! Geez! Fuck him! What? He's still cute.
I hate that.
Plus, it's like he barely even looks at me, like I'm your friend or something.
You are my friend.
I know, but shit.
I'm on TV.
I'm famous.
He should still want to bang me, right? Ooh, you are something else.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I take that as a compliment coming from the craziest bitch i know.
Ding! That's me.
Mm, wait.
Tell me what's going on with mystery man.
Are you, like, still -- that guy? Nothing.
Nothing? Nope.
Good because i gave Bradley your number.
What? My costar.
What? He liked you.
Weird.
He really liked you.
No, he didn't.
Mm-hmm.
He's an actor.
You guys stick together.
All right, up and under.
Let's go.
Yes! Halloween is fun, this is gonna be fun okay, the great thing about your costume is that it's big enough that you can put your candy bag inside of it so that none of the assholes on this block will steal your candy.
How about that? don't tell mom I said assholes, okay? Not that you would.
You're pretty quiet.
And then check this out.
I flip this on.
[ Switch clicks .]
That's fire.
Hey-oh! You're gonna have breathing fire.
Oh.
Cool.
Fire-breather.
Nice.
All right.
Put your head forward.
Good job, fucker.
Not you.
You are not a fucker.
I think she was talking to you.
I think she was talking to you.
Special name for this guy.
Beautiful.
Looking pretty good.
Yeah.
Take it for a spin.
You want to give it a whirl? Yeah.
See how she handles.
[ Chuckles .]
James: don't, okay! [ Door slams .]
Candice: It's Halloween.
It's Carson's -- these guys.
Ruined the greatest holiday of the year.
I hope he gets some good stuff.
I know.
I always got weird fucking shit.
I know, it's weird around here, right? Yeah.
It's not just me.
No, no.
The Millers would give chicken salad sandwiches.
Shut the fuck up.
I swear to god.
They did not.
Yes.
I got, like, raisins and crayons.
Goldfish? Did you ever get goldfish? That's not that bad.
Goldfish -- like, actual goldfish.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, no! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like real, little -- yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was sad 'cause they all died.
It was terrible.
Aw.
That's so sad.
Of course, they all died.
It was terrible.
That one kid got a needle in his candy bar, in a 3 musketeers bar.
No, he didn't.
That was straight-up bullshit.
What? What? That's a legend.
That guy was a liar.
He did that for attention.
That's been proven.
That's a fact.
Timmy? Timmy.
Timmy -- his name was Timmy.
Timmy, Timmy.
I have my yearbook.
I could look it up.
It's Timmy -- [ banging .]
You guys! We're ready to go! Daddy, Carson's ready! Carson's ready, he's in the suit! Let's not ruin Halloween! Um, we'll be right back.
Keep practicing, man! Timmy TommyTom Tim-- Timothy hoover? Timothy! It was Timothy.
Hoover.
No, no, it did not sound like hoover.
Yes.
I love this, looking something up in a book instead of online.
So cool.
I do, too.
It's fucking old school.
It's not here.
It's not here.
No, no, no.
You don't know where you're looking.
You don't know where you're looking.
I remember the haircut.
Timothy frycheck.
Already?! Yes.
Frycheck! Oh.
Fuck.
Oh, man.
He's beautiful.
He is.
Frycheck! God, even his name sounds unhealthy.
Timothy frycheck, where are you now? Uh, this very second, he's probably out trick-or-treating.
Oh, I love it.
I hope he is.
Yeah.
You done with that already? I'm done.
We should get back.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
I know, let's get back.
Okay.
Wow.
Yeah, fuck you.
You drive me crazy.
It's just nuts being up here.
Yep, agreed.
We should just go tell those assholes.
What? I'm not really serious, but I really, really, really would like to tell everyone.
Uh, we will, you know, in our own time, and maybe not them first.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
All right, fair enough.
Let's go.
Make yourself presentable.
I am.
Okay, is this good? Looking good.
Okay.
[ Laughs .]
[ Cellphone ringing .]
There we go.
[ Laughs .]
Drew, what's up? No! Aw.
Yeah, no, it's okay.
We'll just hang out later.
I don't know.
We could meet at the diner or something.
Well, fuck, girl, you canceled.
Uh! Oh, fuck that, it's fine.
Shh, shh, shh.
My mom's like a fucking puritan.
Uh, your father is, um [Clears throat.]
Not gonna come out with us, uh, today.
He's, uh -- okay.
Forgot some work he had to do, some re-- uh, reports or something.
You want me to talk to him? Nope, that is the last thing i want.
I want us to go out and have a lovely time with this beautiful little dragon of ours.
Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, thank you.
Billie: Let's get some fucking candy! Oh, my god, Billie.
Please.
What? Let's trick-or-treat.
What are you? I'm a Bambi killer.
[ Imitates explosion .]
Oh, my god.
What? It's not even a character or anything.
Come on.
I never heard of it.
Well, I just threw it together.
What are you? I am a mother, thank you.
Um, same every year, a mother.
There's no such character at all.
What the fuck are you? Me? Nothing.
I'm -- I'm -- I'm -- I'm Elliott from "e.
T.
" [ Laughing .]
You are.
[ Laughs .]
Where's dad? Is he coming? No, no, he's got something to do, apparently, for work, I'm guessing.
Whatevs.
We'll still have fun.
You know? It'll be fine.
Drew can't come, either.
She's got family shit.
Really? Yeah.
It'll be just us, then.
[ Toy imitating sword slicing .]
Ow, ow.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, sorry to interrupt.
You, uh, texting some waitresses or? I'm checking my stocks.
Oh, okay.
Well, um, if it's humanly possibly for you to put the seat down after you a take a piss, that would be great.
It's humanly possible.
It's possible.
Yeah? Can you? The seat down.
Put it down.
You just put it down, yeah.
I don't do chick things.
Also, um, I'm not wearing any underwear.
You may enter.
Thanks.
I've never been allowed in here before.
Oh.
There were no trolls allowed back then.
Shut the fuck up! I'm gonna fucking kill you! I will fucking destroy you! Your troll punches don't hurt.
I'm gonna punch you in the brain! I will punch you in the brain! So mean.
I was so traumatized in high school.
You and your friends would call me that all the time.
I did it for your own good then.
It was to put scales on your chest.
Shut the fuck up! It was for you to grow up to be a big, strong frog.
[ Laughing .]
I hate you.
A big, strong frog.
Do not let me fall asleep in here, by the way.
Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Do it.
[ Laughs .]
Dad's not home, by the way.
Fuck him.
On a holiday.
On the greatest holiday.
[ Sighs .]
Why do you defend him, anyway? I mean, between you and my mom, someone has to.
That is one thing Candice and i have in common -- what a douche bag we think my dad is.
He's always been nice to me.
Yeah, yeah.
It's so weird, I guess.
It's like you're a girl.
You're young and pretty.
You have an ass that could stop traffic at 50 yards.
50? Yeah, is it -- is it -- 100 yards.
Yeah.
Did I say 50? Yeah.
I meant 100 yards.
100, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The traffic's stopping right here.
[ Laughs .]
You really think we can do this, you and me? Yeah.
Seriously? There's nothing wrong with it.
You know that.
Um Yeah, no, I know.
You know that's true.
I know.
I just, uh -- it's weird.
It's like for some reason -- i don't know.
I can't put my finger on it, but I like you.
It's retarded, I know.
Um, yeah.
I know.
So Me, too.
It's fucking crazy.
I like you a lot.
It freaks me out.
Okay, so did you really get chicken salad sandwiches for Halloween one year? Yes.
Is that -- that's not a lie? Yes.
Not just me, a lot of kids.
A lot of kids got really sick.
I wasn't allowed to eat it, but, yeah.
Yeah, Candice would not let you eat that shit, no way.
No.
Oh, my god.
Your childhood is so fucking freaky.
I know.
It's weird.
We really do just barely survive it, don't we? Yeah.
I'm just glad you were in mine, though.
I'm glad you were in mine, too.
I mean, even though I did -- i hated you in high school.
Oh, I know.
I remember.
I just didn't really want to see you in the city.
I mean, i avoided you there.
And I would even not come home some holidays just to not see your face.
Me, too, yeah.
Yeah.
Really just went out of my way just to avoid you like the plague.
I remember.
But, um [ Chuckles .]
Just so you know, that was allSexual tension.
What? Yeah.
I'm serious.
I'm dead serious.
I remember.
I remember when you came to town the first time I saw you.
Really.
There was -- there was this beautiful, blue-eyed little troll.
There was this troll.
[ Chuckling .]
So mean! So mean.
Just so you know, i really -- I really did always like you a lot.
Well, thank you for saying that.
You're very welcome.
Kiss me, you mean fucking asshole.
I'm not just any mean fucking asshole.
I'm your mean older brother.
I'm your nasty little sister.
[ Laughs .]
Yeah.
Hey! Carson, come in here.
Get off me.
Get off me.
Man, she was trying to -- she was trying to -- I win! She was trying to beat me up.
She's got -- she's got troll power.
Come on in, bud.
Got guns.
I'm strong.
Show us the candy.
Mm.
Hey.
Morning, sunshine.
Hey.
Fuck, what time did you get up? About an hour ago.
Jesus.
I crashed so hard.
I'm glad we took the train up, though, last night and not this morning.
It's nice to wake up here, you know, at home.
Not really home now, but, yeah, i know what you mean.
Well, kind of.
I mean, they kept our rooms the same.
Maybe they did yours.
Mine has a bowflex in it.
They like me more.
It happens.
Yeah.
Flex happens.
James: Morning, kids.
Morning.
Hey.
You guys good? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
[ Sighs .]
I put some coffee on earlier, so I thought we could all have a chat, some breakfast.
You -- you -- i put the coffee on.
I was up way before you.
You did? Yeah.
I thought I did that.
No.
[ Sighs .]
Hope that's not, like, early onset Alzheimer's.
I don't think so.
I think it's more -- it has more to do with you just taking credit for everything anyone does.
Oh, good.
[ Sighs .]
Well, Alzheimer's would suck.
I know.
I know, right? It's good to see you, dad.
Hi, baby.
Hey.
How are you? I'm good, yeah.
Good to see you.
Whoa.
God, come on.
What? She's my daughter.
Stepdaughter.
Step.
But -- so? Jesus, Billy.
You're a grown person.
It was a kiss.
Yeah.
A family kiss.
Okay.
All right.
Um [ Clears throat .]
Anyway, uh, I could make some eggs or something, you know, if it's easy.
How's that sound? What about me? Are you gonna kiss me now? I am your actual child.
We could do anything you like or -- or go to the diner even.
Mm-hmm.
Boys do not kiss boys.
Well, I think you need to go downtown more.
Actually, the diner will probably be busy.
It's a holiday.
Let's just do something here.
True.
I'll make some eggs.
Okay.
Or waffles.
Yes, I love waffles.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
Your mother's still asleep.
I'll get the bacon going.
You, uh, mix up a batch of waffles, and we'll get this thing started.
Okay.
Yeah, do it.
Carson's still asleep, too, so Ah, I love that kid.
I know, he's the best.
All right, let's do it.
What about you, big boy? Are you gonna sit there and sulk, or are you gonna help out? I think I'll sulk.
Great.
Nice to see some things don't change.
[ Scoffs .]
Dude, what's your damage? Nothing.
He's Let's just have breakfast without any drama, okay? It's a holiday.
Go get a family kiss.
I will.
All right, dad, let's do this.
All right! Oh, here we go.
All right, let me find that, uh -- how'd you know that was there? 'Cause I live here, dad.
Oh, that's right.
I used to.
When's the last time you were here? Oh, I don't know.
It's been a while, right? Yeah, I think it was like fourth of July or something.
Okay, now, ah, waffle.
Do you have a mix? 'Cause I can't make anything from scratch.
You can't? No.
Here, let's, uh Am I in your way? No, not one bit.
Not one bit.
Oh, yeah.
Here comes the fire.
Like this, kind of? Uh, yeah -- well, no, more, more around the mouth 'cause he -- he wants fire coming out of his mouth.
He was [Chuckles.]
he was very specific.
Okay, so, this is what we're using for fire? Uh, I guess so.
Your father is in charge of the pyrotechnics, so [ Chuckles .]
Pyrotechnics -- now, that -- that is generous.
I'm sure it'll just involve whiskey and a lighter.
Stop.
Uh, listen, your father is trying to curb his drinking these days.
Aww.
At least he is trying.
I don't have a drinking problem.
Yeah, right.
[ Cellphone ringing .]
Um, I got to take this.
Who is it? It's just, uh [ Hum to tune of "September" .]
Fuck off.
It's tom from work.
Really? Language.
Well, tell your daughter to stop taunting me.
[ Humming continues .]
[ Singing to tune of "September" .]
suck my fucking dick shut the fuck fucking suck my fucking dick you two getting along okay? Uh, yeah, I guess.
Hmm.
Why? Oh, no reason.
It's just -- it's just funny, that's all.
What is? Nothing.
It's just you two being friends and all, I mean, now.
What? It's just -- i don't know.
I mean, it's just when this all first started and James and i got together and then all through high school and then, you know, the last few years.
You're both working down in New York, and you don't exactly make an effort to be a family, at least hardly ever.
So? So, that's all.
I mean, it's just now that -- he's sleeping on your couch when he gets drunk.
You guys take the same train up together.
I mean, d-don't -- don't get me wrong.
It's -- it's nice.
It's just It's just strange, that's all.
Well, people evolve, I guess.
I guess they -- they do.
Sometimes.
Except for your stepfather.
Who the hell is that? I don't know, but she's tall.
Oh, no.
It's drew.
She must be here for Halloween.
Drew, what's up?! Hey, Billie! Come on, let's go say hi.
Oh, my god, it's cold out there.
don't be a baby.
[ Laughs .]
Coming, coming, coming.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not being mean about it.
I know it caught you off guard.
Yeah, man.
Well, Keith's crazy.
Yeah, rich and crazy.
I think one sort of fosters the other, if my -- if my dad is any indication.
Listen, I'm actually up at my folks' right now for the holiday.
Got to be here so my little brother has his adult siblings with him when he trick-or-treats.
I know.
I know, it's dumb.
But, uh, look, I'll -- I'll let my -- I'll let my, uh, doorman know you're coming.
He'll have a key for you.
His name is tito.
Tito.
Ti-to, like the guy in the Jackson 5.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
The one on the end who didn't do anything.
All right.
All right, take it easy.
So, look, he's gonna have a key for you, he'll know you're coming, and I'll be back Sunday night or, uh, possibly Monday morning.
If we're late coming in, I'll just -- I'll go straight to work, and I'll meet you there.
No, I'm not with Denise.
Damn it! Well -- well, look, man, I asked you not to talk about her, and then every time I see you, you bring her up.
Thank you.
No, I'm with Billie.
Stepsister, yes.
Yeah, I -- I know she's kind of cute.
Listen, you need to go on one of those sites and fuck somebody soon, all right? Just so you can shut up about girls.
I'm not kidding.
Hey, buddy.
Hey.
Sorry I cursed.
Sorry i-i was cussing.
I'll meet you out there in a minute.
Get out of here.
Hey, sorry.
Just my little brother was just creeping in and listening.
I know, it's weird.
He's like that kid from "the omen.
" I swear to god.
He never says anything, and then he's always right there.
I don't know.
Anyways, do that, though, really.
Meet someone and just -- I think you need to get it taken care of.
A-actually, don't.
don't do it -- don't do it this week while you're at my house.
Save that for next weekend.
Go on a grinder or something.
[ Chuckles .]
I didn't -- I didn't know.
I didn't know it was the gay one, sorry.
Use it anyway.
All right, man.
I got to go.
No -- no problem, no problem.
All right.
Um, don't touch my shit, though.
Promise? Okay, man.
I'll see you soon.
Take care.
He's gonna touch my shit.
Anyway, Halloween.
Ugh, Halloween in New York.
[ Laughs .]
Ugh, it's awful.
You know it's horrible.
What? I don't want to be there.
And then you come outside, and I see like 1,000 fionas, people dressed up like me, as my character, on my show, outside.
That's fucking crazy.
That's weird.
Girl.
I don't want to be involved in that shit.
Having people dress up like you for Halloween is one of the greatest compliments you can ever receive.
You would think that.
I do.
But it's actually kind of creepy.
I don't like it.
Could they ever compare to this? Okay, but -- no, I don't think so.
Stop dressing like me.
You don't see my point.
It's weird.
It's fucking weird.
Okay, fine.
So I said fuck it, i got to get out of here, and I called my assistant.
That, uh, girl they got for me, what's her name? I don't know.
Jill or Anna.
Is that her name? I can't remember.
And she booked me a car, and I came up to see my folks this weekend.
That's awesome.
Good surprise.
Yep.
Love it.
I'm leaving on Sunday night 'cause I have an early call time on Monday, like 5:00 A.
M.
or some such ridiculous shit.
Gross.
Do you want a-a ride back? Um The driver was so cute.
I got his card.
I fucking love you.
I love that you do that.
Just a card here, a card there, stack 'em up, numbers, numbers.
What? You never know who Mr.
right might be.
It's a lesson.
I thought you were gonna marry an ugly man.
No, when did I say that? You said it sometime.
At lunch you said it.
I don't remember.
Ugly and rich, ugly and rich.
Oh, right, right, right.
Yes, that was the criteria.
No shit.
I was trying to sound sweet or something.
Not that I wouldn't marry an ugly guy.
Or normal looking -- i think that's what I said.
Normal to ugly.
Normal to ugly.
Normal to ugly.
That's what I said.
Got it, okay.
But, yeah.
When I'm ready to settle down.
Understood.
Normal to ugly.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
That makes sense.
So, are you taking the kid around tonight, house to house and all that shit? Yeah, probably.
That's gross.
Fuck you, bitch.
He is my brother, and trick-or-treating is awesome.
Um, he's a half.
He's your half brother, like Elvis played in those western films, like that.
[ As Elvis .]
I'm a -- I'm a half-breed.
WhatWas that? And why do you know about Elvis and -- [ normal voice .]
Because it's entertainment, duh.
That is the field that I work in.
Please do your Elvis impression for me again.
[ As Elvis .]
Oh, a little bit of this? Yes.
Little lady.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, Billy, what's shaking, Billy? Trying to rig this thing so it, uh, has a fire-breathing effect for Carson's costume.
He's a dragon for Halloween.
Oh, thus "fire," got it.
Yeah.
Cool.
Hey, I drank out of that earlier.
I hope that's all right.
That's cool.
Maybe I can sell it on ebay.
You probably can.
You would not believe some of the shit that people sell that I have signed or touched or whatever.
Yeah.
This is crazy.
Being on TV, it's fucking nuts.
I bet.
Oh, yeah, I went to comic-con this year.
Awesome.
And those people are -- well, most of 'em are very sweet, but the costumes! Oh, I bet they would do a kick-ass fire effect for Carson if we went to comic-con.
Maybe.
They'd probably just light him on fire.
[ Laughs .]
Or that.
Or that.
No shit, they would.
Just douse him in gasoline.
[ Laughs .]
They're crazy about their shows and, like, getting pictures together and all that.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Have you been? I bet you have.
I haven't.
I almost went one year for the magazine, but we didn't -- wait, I'm sorry.
You're still at the magazine? What is it called again? Say it.
You say it.
I want to hear you say it.
She just likes hearing me -- likes hearing me say it.
It's called chisel.
Like, what's the big deal? Right, yeah.
I don't get it.
Like, what? Get over it.
[ Laughing .]
It's sort of phallic.
It's phallic.
[ Laughs .]
Right, yeah.
Yeah, I like that one.
You should come, um, and do a story with us.
We'd do a story on you.
Hey.
Do a little photo spread.
Yeah, drew Peters.
Um I think it'd be cool if Billie did some illustrations, too.
[ Gasps .]
What? Yeah, I haven't actually brought it up to you yet, but I was thinking, uh, i could probably get you a job, get you some work at the magazine if you wanted.
Oh! Oh.
Huh.
Um, i would say get a room, but that would make me sick in my head.
What? What are you talking about? Fuck off.
Fuck off.
You guys stop it right now.
don't say that to me about me and troll face.
Shut up, fucking asshole.
don't -- be nice to her.
Frog legs.
She's a beautiful thing.
Anyway, um, i was saying before, uh, we're gonna drive back on Sunday if you want a ride.
Oh, we, um, -- we actually came together, so Cool, but he can get his own ride back, can't he? Can't you? No.
Big boy.
I don't know.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I would invite you, but three people in the back of a town car is a little too crowded.
Yeah.
Plus, we want to have some girl time, so Yeah.
Yeah.
That's -- i don't want to be around that.
Yep.
Got to go figure this out.
Okay.
It's not like I'm prometheus or whatever.
He's who gave fire to mankind.
Thanks, Alex trebek.
Oh.
I know who -- does he think i don't know who prometheus is? I know.
We studied him in fucking -- Alex trebek, who is the host of "jeopardy!" Bye! Geez! Fuck him! What? He's still cute.
I hate that.
Plus, it's like he barely even looks at me, like I'm your friend or something.
You are my friend.
I know, but shit.
I'm on TV.
I'm famous.
He should still want to bang me, right? Ooh, you are something else.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I take that as a compliment coming from the craziest bitch i know.
Ding! That's me.
Mm, wait.
Tell me what's going on with mystery man.
Are you, like, still -- that guy? Nothing.
Nothing? Nope.
Good because i gave Bradley your number.
What? My costar.
What? He liked you.
Weird.
He really liked you.
No, he didn't.
Mm-hmm.
He's an actor.
You guys stick together.
All right, up and under.
Let's go.
Yes! Halloween is fun, this is gonna be fun okay, the great thing about your costume is that it's big enough that you can put your candy bag inside of it so that none of the assholes on this block will steal your candy.
How about that? don't tell mom I said assholes, okay? Not that you would.
You're pretty quiet.
And then check this out.
I flip this on.
[ Switch clicks .]
That's fire.
Hey-oh! You're gonna have breathing fire.
Oh.
Cool.
Fire-breather.
Nice.
All right.
Put your head forward.
Good job, fucker.
Not you.
You are not a fucker.
I think she was talking to you.
I think she was talking to you.
Special name for this guy.
Beautiful.
Looking pretty good.
Yeah.
Take it for a spin.
You want to give it a whirl? Yeah.
See how she handles.
[ Chuckles .]
James: don't, okay! [ Door slams .]
Candice: It's Halloween.
It's Carson's -- these guys.
Ruined the greatest holiday of the year.
I hope he gets some good stuff.
I know.
I always got weird fucking shit.
I know, it's weird around here, right? Yeah.
It's not just me.
No, no.
The Millers would give chicken salad sandwiches.
Shut the fuck up.
I swear to god.
They did not.
Yes.
I got, like, raisins and crayons.
Goldfish? Did you ever get goldfish? That's not that bad.
Goldfish -- like, actual goldfish.
[ Laughing .]
Oh, no! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like real, little -- yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was sad 'cause they all died.
It was terrible.
Aw.
That's so sad.
Of course, they all died.
It was terrible.
That one kid got a needle in his candy bar, in a 3 musketeers bar.
No, he didn't.
That was straight-up bullshit.
What? What? That's a legend.
That guy was a liar.
He did that for attention.
That's been proven.
That's a fact.
Timmy? Timmy.
Timmy -- his name was Timmy.
Timmy, Timmy.
I have my yearbook.
I could look it up.
It's Timmy -- [ banging .]
You guys! We're ready to go! Daddy, Carson's ready! Carson's ready, he's in the suit! Let's not ruin Halloween! Um, we'll be right back.
Keep practicing, man! Timmy TommyTom Tim-- Timothy hoover? Timothy! It was Timothy.
Hoover.
No, no, it did not sound like hoover.
Yes.
I love this, looking something up in a book instead of online.
So cool.
I do, too.
It's fucking old school.
It's not here.
It's not here.
No, no, no.
You don't know where you're looking.
You don't know where you're looking.
I remember the haircut.
Timothy frycheck.
Already?! Yes.
Frycheck! Oh.
Fuck.
Oh, man.
He's beautiful.
He is.
Frycheck! God, even his name sounds unhealthy.
Timothy frycheck, where are you now? Uh, this very second, he's probably out trick-or-treating.
Oh, I love it.
I hope he is.
Yeah.
You done with that already? I'm done.
We should get back.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
I know, let's get back.
Okay.
Wow.
Yeah, fuck you.
You drive me crazy.
It's just nuts being up here.
Yep, agreed.
We should just go tell those assholes.
What? I'm not really serious, but I really, really, really would like to tell everyone.
Uh, we will, you know, in our own time, and maybe not them first.
Yeah, I know.
Okay.
All right, fair enough.
Let's go.
Make yourself presentable.
I am.
Okay, is this good? Looking good.
Okay.
[ Laughs .]
[ Cellphone ringing .]
There we go.
[ Laughs .]
Drew, what's up? No! Aw.
Yeah, no, it's okay.
We'll just hang out later.
I don't know.
We could meet at the diner or something.
Well, fuck, girl, you canceled.
Uh! Oh, fuck that, it's fine.
Shh, shh, shh.
My mom's like a fucking puritan.
Uh, your father is, um [Clears throat.]
Not gonna come out with us, uh, today.
He's, uh -- okay.
Forgot some work he had to do, some re-- uh, reports or something.
You want me to talk to him? Nope, that is the last thing i want.
I want us to go out and have a lovely time with this beautiful little dragon of ours.
Is that okay? Yeah, absolutely.
[ Laughs .]
Okay, thank you.
Billie: Let's get some fucking candy! Oh, my god, Billie.
Please.
What? Let's trick-or-treat.
What are you? I'm a Bambi killer.
[ Imitates explosion .]
Oh, my god.
What? It's not even a character or anything.
Come on.
I never heard of it.
Well, I just threw it together.
What are you? I am a mother, thank you.
Um, same every year, a mother.
There's no such character at all.
What the fuck are you? Me? Nothing.
I'm -- I'm -- I'm -- I'm Elliott from "e.
T.
" [ Laughing .]
You are.
[ Laughs .]
Where's dad? Is he coming? No, no, he's got something to do, apparently, for work, I'm guessing.
Whatevs.
We'll still have fun.
You know? It'll be fine.
Drew can't come, either.
She's got family shit.
Really? Yeah.
It'll be just us, then.
[ Toy imitating sword slicing .]
Ow, ow.
[ Laughs .]
Oh, sorry to interrupt.
You, uh, texting some waitresses or? I'm checking my stocks.
Oh, okay.
Well, um, if it's humanly possibly for you to put the seat down after you a take a piss, that would be great.
It's humanly possible.
It's possible.
Yeah? Can you? The seat down.
Put it down.
You just put it down, yeah.
I don't do chick things.
Also, um, I'm not wearing any underwear.
You may enter.
Thanks.
I've never been allowed in here before.
Oh.
There were no trolls allowed back then.
Shut the fuck up! I'm gonna fucking kill you! I will fucking destroy you! Your troll punches don't hurt.
I'm gonna punch you in the brain! I will punch you in the brain! So mean.
I was so traumatized in high school.
You and your friends would call me that all the time.
I did it for your own good then.
It was to put scales on your chest.
Shut the fuck up! It was for you to grow up to be a big, strong frog.
[ Laughing .]
I hate you.
A big, strong frog.
Do not let me fall asleep in here, by the way.
Okay.
Okay? Okay.
Do it.
[ Laughs .]
Dad's not home, by the way.
Fuck him.
On a holiday.
On the greatest holiday.
[ Sighs .]
Why do you defend him, anyway? I mean, between you and my mom, someone has to.
That is one thing Candice and i have in common -- what a douche bag we think my dad is.
He's always been nice to me.
Yeah, yeah.
It's so weird, I guess.
It's like you're a girl.
You're young and pretty.
You have an ass that could stop traffic at 50 yards.
50? Yeah, is it -- is it -- 100 yards.
Yeah.
Did I say 50? Yeah.
I meant 100 yards.
100, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The traffic's stopping right here.
[ Laughs .]
You really think we can do this, you and me? Yeah.
Seriously? There's nothing wrong with it.
You know that.
Um Yeah, no, I know.
You know that's true.
I know.
I just, uh -- it's weird.
It's like for some reason -- i don't know.
I can't put my finger on it, but I like you.
It's retarded, I know.
Um, yeah.
I know.
So Me, too.
It's fucking crazy.
I like you a lot.
It freaks me out.
Okay, so did you really get chicken salad sandwiches for Halloween one year? Yes.
Is that -- that's not a lie? Yes.
Not just me, a lot of kids.
A lot of kids got really sick.
I wasn't allowed to eat it, but, yeah.
Yeah, Candice would not let you eat that shit, no way.
No.
Oh, my god.
Your childhood is so fucking freaky.
I know.
It's weird.
We really do just barely survive it, don't we? Yeah.
I'm just glad you were in mine, though.
I'm glad you were in mine, too.
I mean, even though I did -- i hated you in high school.
Oh, I know.
I remember.
I just didn't really want to see you in the city.
I mean, i avoided you there.
And I would even not come home some holidays just to not see your face.
Me, too, yeah.
Yeah.
Really just went out of my way just to avoid you like the plague.
I remember.
But, um [ Chuckles .]
Just so you know, that was allSexual tension.
What? Yeah.
I'm serious.
I'm dead serious.
I remember.
I remember when you came to town the first time I saw you.
Really.
There was -- there was this beautiful, blue-eyed little troll.
There was this troll.
[ Chuckling .]
So mean! So mean.
Just so you know, i really -- I really did always like you a lot.
Well, thank you for saying that.
You're very welcome.
Kiss me, you mean fucking asshole.
I'm not just any mean fucking asshole.
I'm your mean older brother.
I'm your nasty little sister.
[ Laughs .]
Yeah.
Hey! Carson, come in here.
Get off me.
Get off me.
Man, she was trying to -- she was trying to -- I win! She was trying to beat me up.
She's got -- she's got troll power.
Come on in, bud.
Got guns.
I'm strong.
Show us the candy.