Black Books s01e04 Episode Script

Fran! Fran! Fran! Bernard, Bernard! There you are.
Wait till you hear this.
No, me first.
I can't hold onto this one.
My story goes first.
- No! I'm not backing down.
- Neither am I.
- You know what that means.
- Count.
One, two, three.
- Say "peanuts".
- Peanuts.
- I want Manny in on this.
- No, he's no good.
He stayed up all night with his birthday present.
A complete set of The Sweeney and an espresso machine.
Hello? What? Do me a favour.
It's a flamin' bookshop.
Course we got Jane Austen.
Right.
OK, my story.
- Imagine, yeah? - Yeah.
- Imagine you're a woman.
- OK.
- And now imagine - Wait! I'm still OK.
And now imagine you have a boyfriend.
OK? And now imagine you see that boyfriend with another woman.
- OK! My story! - It's Peter I'm talking about.
Peter wouldn't do that to me you.
He's scum.
This morning, I was getting into my car - I just feel so Now, my story.
- You know Gerald and Sarah? - Gerald, er, your friend Friend? When I first came to London, he put me up, he lent me money, he helped me find a job, this place.
I was an incredibly good friend to him.
And even though, even though I fancied his girlfriend, I did not make a pass at her.
Well, once.
Twice.
A few times.
But not after I realised just how angry it made him.
- Once, but only - Get on with the story.
Well, they invited me to a dinner party and I went, had a good time, woke up with a bit of a hangover.
Well, a big hangover.
So I went to the chemist to get some fizzigood.
- Some what? - Fizzigood - make feel nice.
- Oh, Alka-Seltzer.
- Yeah.
"Soluble.
" Mm.
Mm.
Make feel nice.
Fizzigood feel nice.
Gerald! Sarah! Thanks for the dinner party! 'Completely blanked me.
' Well, maybe they didn't see you.
Could something have distracted them? Like what? Gunfire.
Was somebody shooting? Let's see.
Was someone firing a gun? Was someone firing? No, I don't think so.
Manny, you look like you could use some sleep.
Yeah, yeah, in a little bit.
The thing is, this bloke behind me, behind me, behind me don't look! - I reckon he's got a shooter.
- He's a hundred years old.
You're wired on coffee and cops.
And so what? So they blanked you.
So what? So what? They blanked me.
That's a powerful thing in civilised society.
It's like, it's like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post.
You must've done something awful.
Something really awful.
Do you think? Oh.
You didn't do that thing? Your Belly Savalas thing? No, I didn't do Belly Savalas.
So, Bernard, being blanked really made you feel that bad? Yeah.
Terrible! Hmm.
Manny, get some sleep.
Something really awful.
God, what did I do? What did I do? Think! Think! Get down! Thank you.
Enjoy.
It's dreadful but it's quite short.
Manny! Come over here.
You want a case? I'll give you a case.
Figure out what I did last night.
OK, the dinner party.
Ooh! What? Sat on myself.
All right.
Let's start by reconstructing the evening.
Who else was there? Well, Gerald and Sarah, obviously.
- What's their D-40? - Well What? - What do they do? - Oh.
Gerald's a food writer.
He had a big hit with Basic Meals for the Ultra-Rich.
Sarah's an interior designer.
She's on that programme, - Pet Surprise.
- Pet Surprise? - What's that? - Oh, you know.
They take the dog out, he thinks it's a normal walk, but when they come back the kennel has a patio and French doors.
Yep.
Yeah, yeah.
Then they take the blindfold off And he's like, "Oh, my God.
" - Right.
- And there were a few others, people who talk about salad for five hours.
And then I won again.
He was smaller than me, only eight, but I still won.
I won again and again and again and again.
So.
How much had you had to drink before you turned up? - You assume I'd been drinking.
- How much? - How much? How much? - That I'd have a - How much? - A couple of bottles.
Right.
So you were in a bit of a state.
No, I was fine.
Oh, come on! Think! - Hiya.
- Is this yours? - Er, yes.
- Misunderstanding.
Not her fault.
She's young.
High spirits.
Thanks! Try and keep it indoors.
See what you did? You made the police come to their house! Wow.
There's more.
Oh, God, Bernard, look at you! I'm a happy-go-lucky scamp.
Exquisite gifts, as always.
You're very early, Bernard.
Oh.
You remember Jimbo, don't you? I'm not sure.
What do you do? - No, he's our son.
- Oh, thank God.
I thought you had a disease.
Oh, this is a child.
Gerald? Can you help me, please? Ah, Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Come here.
We'll do the thing.
Ah! Here.
Here there we go.
Take it.
Shh Take it.
Now Actually, Jim, can I have that back? Shh.
Thanks.
Jim, have I told you about the old country? The songs, Jim.
Oh, they'd melt your face.
# Oh, I live in a shoe on Moore Street # I'm a prostitute from Newry # The child's involved somehow.
He's done something and pinned it on me.
Huh.
It's always the children, isn't it, Bernard? Manny, if you have one more sip of coffee Help! Help! Help! I got it! - Help! Help! - Wait! Stop! All right? And my keys! My house keys, they were in it.
How will I get into my house without my keys? It was a plainclothes policeman? Yes.
Oh, officer, officer Bernard! Bernard! No questions, OK? Can you do my shoelace? No can do, neckface.
- What happened to you? - What happened to you? You first.
No, come on.
Are you the next Bond villain? You should have "Dorset - 5 miles" on you.
Come on, you tell.
Tell me.
Don't mind this.
It's a very dull story.
Come on.
No, no.
You first, come on.
- Tell me.
- No.
Oww! - Tell me.
- Tell me.
- Ah, ah, ah! - No, no, no! Ahh! OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
OK.
You remember when I told you I saw Peter with that girl? Mm-hmm.
I couldn't get it out of my head so I shut the shop, went down the beauty parlour and got myself done.
'When the next thing, who walks by the window but Peter? ' Then I remembered what you said about the awesome power of the blank.
'And I knew I might not get a second chance.
' So you dealt with this in a mature, reason Shut up.
Anyway Fran? Fran? Fran? Fran! You were knocked down and No, that's not how I got this.
The way I got this was No, it's too embarrassing.
You next, what happened? Well, I was - We're closed.
- We're closed! Hello? Hello? Hello?! Yeah, yeah.
Hello Raiders.
You'd just better watch it! Or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen! And we'll arrest your arse.
Goodbye.
You know, I thought you might want some coffee.
- No, I've gotta go.
- No, wait.
We need you.
Look, got a favour to ask.
We got someone who isn't turning over.
Could you sit in on the interview? - Hey? - What's with the face fungus? Er undercover.
Undercover work.
Gotta blend in with a heavy metal group who stole some furniture.
- Right.
- Bastards! So anyway, can you help us out? No, I-I can't, I really can't.
They need me on the job.
Hang on.
Who's your governor? I'll ask him.
- Oh, what the hell.
- Good lad.
- Grab your coffee.
- Right.
OK, so far, we've been going at him hard.
It might be time he found that sympathetic ear he needs.
Know what I mean? So I'm nasty, you're nice.
OK? What? - You're not so bad.
- No, no.
In the interview.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I was, er making a police joke.
Yeah, right.
It's Barry, by the way.
- Carter.
- Carter? Yeah, lovely.
We'll let him sweat it out for a few minutes, OK? Finish your coffee.
It's not bad, is it? Bernard! Come on! So, what happened? All right.
After you left, I remembered something about the dinner party.
I did do Belly Savalas.
Dooby, dooby, dooby, dooby.
What's that? I can't hear you, Belly Savalas.
Who loves you, baby? Ha ha.
What about that, eh? But I also realised it wasn't Belly Savalas that upset them.
It was something else.
Something much, much worse.
Oh, you didn't do Cobumbo, did you? No.
I didn't have any cigars.
All right, so you were knocked down.
Even though I wasn't badly hurt, I went to hospital for checks.
And Peter insisted on coming with me.
OK.
I blanked him in the ambulance.
How do you blank somebody in an ambulance? Come on, Fran.
Keep your eyes fixed on mine.
Come on! Fran? Your eyes on mine.
Keep your eyes fixed on mine! Fran! Fran! Hurry, man, hurry! Did you ever get to tell him why you were blanking him? I certainly did.
I spent some time explaining in very clear terms why he was a scumbag and the fancy lady he was with was a slut.
- It was his sister.
- Yes.
He was comforting her.
Just lost her job.
Ah.
He won't be seeing you again? He says he wants to see other, less mad women.
All right, now you, come on.
I want to know how you became the little teapot.
I don't want to tell it again for Manny.
Where is he? Remember, I'm nasty, you're nice.
Nogsy.
You miss me? I was just thinking, "When's Inspector Norris coming back?" Oi! Smart lip doesn't work with me, Nogsy.
I don't react well to it.
Now, you better start giving me something solid or I'll feed you to the sharks.
You have beautiful eyes.
You're going away, understand me? This is the end of the line.
Shall I phone Hong Kong Kitchen and get us all some crispy duck? Sorry? Listen.
You better speak up or else we'll be talking to your missus.
How do you like that, family man? Hey.
When this has blown over, let's go see Les Miserables.
Have you been to the zoo? It's brilliant.
What's, er What's going on? Carter.
Listen.
I don't know what you're doing but it's working.
He's getting shaky.
You take over.
Offer him a deal.
- What sort of deal? - You call it.
Don't give away too much.
He's looking at two years minimum.
- I'll be back in ten.
- Huh? - Ten minutes.
- Oh.
Hey? Right.
I'm locking the door, Nogsy.
It doesn't open again until you give my partner something! Yeah, that's definitely locked.
- I'm not a policeman! - What? I'm not, I've just had too much coffee! What are you talking about? - What'll I do? - I want Norris back.
I'll talk to him, I ain't talking to you! Ahhhh! Ah! It's a boy! So, come on, back to the story.
I knew I'd done something heinous so I went to see them.
- What do you want? - To say I'm sorry.
- I'm very, very sorry.
- Oh.
Well.
Please accept my gifts.
Maybe then we could clear the deck somehow and-and you could actually tell me what it was that I actually did.
Bernard? Fran? Well, you did it.
I don't know how you did it, but you did it.
Well, you know, Barry, I'm just a cop.
Ooh.
Just one copper tryin' to make a difference.
Yeah.
Fell off a chair to some extent.
You know, Barry, I been doing this job for tw And you know, it doesn't get any easier.
So that's why I've made my decision to retire.
That's right, I'm retiring.
Nogsy was my last case.
I've had 100% success rate, I'm only getting older and slower.
It's time for this old warhorse to be put out to pasture.
Well, that's a shame.
I been on the job nearly 20 years too.
And you are the best bloody copper I have ever worked with.
- It's been a privilege.
- OK, fair enough.
- All right.
- Yeah.
Oh, God.
Anyway.
Where was I? You went to Gerald and Sarah's to ask what you did.
- You mean you don't remember? - Not as such, no.
You don't remember asking for about the 100th time where the toilet was, drunk out of your skull? You went to the toilet and you were gone an awful long time Get him out.
Get him out.
Get him out.
- I will.
- Out.
Get him out now.
- I will.
- Get him out.
Out.
Gerald.
- Could I ask you a question? - What? You know the thing, the thing that cleans these things.
Why is that in your bathroom? I'm not Coco Chanel but I think that's a bit weird.
Bernard, why don't I call you a cab? I don't want a cab.
It's only half one.
Anyway, listen.
Why do you have a toaster in your bathroom? We haven't got a toaster in our bathroom.
Well, you should put a lock on the door anyway because I was on the toilet, little Jimmy comes in, he's drinking milk from the fridge and that's all wrong.
It's unhygienic.
And what was going through your brain when you thought, "Oh, yeah, I'll buy a wicker toilet"? I thought I did something bad.
So I go to the toilet in your wicker chair, it's a faux pas.
Faux pas? I thought I drank all the booze or something.
- You did drink all the booze.
- Look at Jimmy.
What? What? What? He looks surprised.
All children look surprised.
Everything's new to them.
Have I told you, by the way, that he he, er he smokes? - He does not smoke.
- Well, he's up to something.
I've never said this because I was being nice.
But your son has the, er the cold, dead eyes of a killer.
I come to your house, I bring a bottle of wine - A policewoman.
- Policewoman, bottle of wine, the point is I made an effort.
And OK, I was slightly indiscreet.
And I'm sorry! I am.
But you you blanked me.
So - So what? - I think I deserve an apology.
Out.
I came all the way across town to apologise, I don't even have the fare for a taxi back.
I behaved with dignity, honour and grace.
I'm a bit upset now.
You wouldn't understand - I'm talking about dignity! Hence So why were you embarrassed to tell me? Oh, well, I fell, you know.
It was so undashing.
And going to the toilet through a chair, well, we've all been there.
What happened to you? Oh, I have had some day.
- What happened? - Well, it started off What happened to you? Ooh! That was a particularly bad one.