Blackadder s01e04 Episode Script

(Wind blows, cat miaows, dog barks) (Woman) Noble Prince, your secret note of love has won my heart.
The castle of my body is yours, by right of conquest.
Come, let your tongue dive into the moat of my mouth, let your hands take possession of the ramparts of my plumpies.
For I'm yours, and yours alone.
And I'm yours.
Urgh! Edmund! I thought you your brother.
Uh, uh, uh, aaaagh! (Falls to the ground) (Dogs bark ferociously) The Swiss are always cowards.
(Drums beat) My Lord, good news.
The Swiss have invaded France.
Excellent! Wessex, while they're away, take But the Swiss are our allies.
Well, get them to dress up as Germans, will you? Remind me to send flowers to the King of France, in sympathy for his son.
- The one you had murdered? - Yes.
(Harry) Father! - My Lord - Will you get away from me! Ha, ha, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy.
But you know where the real secret of diplomacy lies? I don't.
But I'd like to know.
There.
I can't imagine anything of any real interest there.
Let me explain.
What's that for? A couple of things.
Correct.
One of those things is? Best not mentioned.
Right! And the other is fornication.
Without it, there's no marriage.
Without that, there's no diplomacy.
Oh, I see.
Very good.
Let me explain further.
I've decided to ally to a nation most threatening to France.
The answer of course is, Chiswick, Spain! The best way to cement an alliance is marriage.
Therefore I've decided that you shall marry the Spanish Infanta! (Chiswick) Congratulations.
Actually, I don't think I can.
What? Why not? I am already engaged.
What? Who to, boy? Princess Leia of Hungary, Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg, and Queen Beowulfa of Iceland and Countess Caroline of Luxembourg, Bertha of Flanders, Bertha of Brussels, Bernard of Saxe-Coburg and Jezabel of Estonia.
No, no, no, sorry, that should be Bertha of Saxe-Coburg and Jeremy of Estonia.
Damn, damn, damn, damn! If I haven't got a son to marry her, the whole plan falls apart.
- Your Majesty.
- Yes! You do have another son, My Lord.
What? My God, of course, you're right.
The slimy one.
What's his name? - Edmund, My Lord.
- Yes, Osmond.
- Osmond can marry the Infanta! - (Harry) Excellent idea! With a Spanish alliance, we can massacre both the Swiss and the French.
(Men) Hurrah! By dividing their forces into two! Preferably their top halves from their bottom halves! Ow.
- Morning, My Lord.
- Morning.
What's happened to your neck? Huh? Er, w-w-w-well They're love bites, actually.
Look more like dog bites to me.
(Nervous giggle) Well, yes, she was a bit of an animal.
- Oh, yes.
- Fight to the death, eh? Yes.
As my tutor, Old Bubble Face, used to say, "Make love and be merry, "for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease.
" (Edmund laughs) I'd swear those were dog bites.
They are not dog bites! She was very attractive.
Yeah, shiny coat, wet nose, clear eyes.
No, Baldrick.
It was a woman.
Fair enough, My Lord.
Right, now that's sorted out.
Percy, what are we up to today? Well, My Lord First I thought that you and I might get out a couple of prisoners Actually, they look rather like dog bites.
All right, they are.
I got bitten by a dog.
A woman pushed me off a rampart, finding me hideously ugly, and I got ravaged by a rabid dog.
Satisfied? - Yes, My Lord.
- Good.
Excellent.
Good.
Right.
Percy, you were saying? Right, My Lord.
We might So it wasn't a woman? No, a dog, a dog, a bloody great dog! (Barks madly) Right, My Lord.
Harry gets all the women.
Shut up.
I never want to hear women mentioned in my company again.
- And dogs? - Or dogs.
Shut up, you.
I never want to see a woman again.
If a woman wants to talk to me, warn her.
The Black Adder is a venomous reptile and women are his prey.
(Knock at door) Enter! If you're a woman, prepare to be thrown out of the window.
My Lord, I bring a message.
Yes, obviously.
You're a messenger.
You're engaged to be married to the Infanta Maria of Spain.
What? My Lord, I bring a message.
You are Yes, yes, yes.
Ah.
Go on, get out.
Get, get out, out, out! - Well, boys, did you hear that? - (Baldrick) Mmm.
I am to marry the Infanta of Spain.
Yes, My Lord.
Shall I go and tell her? What? The Black Adder is a venomous reptile No, no, no, no, no! This is no ordinary woman, Percy.
This is a beautiful royal princess.
Just imagine what the Spanish Infanta must be like.
(Percy and Baldrick howl like dogs) Ah, bienvenida a nuestro castillo.
Espero que encuentre los deshagues a su satisfaction.
(Laughs nervously) Hmm? It's Spanish for "Welcome to our castle, "I hope the drains are to your satisfaction.
" I've jotted it down.
Should help break the ice with the Infanta.
I don't think you know the Countess Caroline of Luxembourg.
Er, no, er, how do you do, young lady? Well, good luck.
Er, bienvenue ΰ notre chβteau, Caroline Luxembourg! Ha! Have you ever seen anyone so seething with jealousy? - No.
- Seethe, seethe.
If he goes on like that, he'll turn into a seethe.
Baldrick, what are you talking about? - My Lord.
- Yes.
They say that the Infanta's eyes are more beautiful than the famous Stone of Galveston.
Mmm! The what? The famous Stone of Galveston, My Lord.
And what's that exactly? Well, it's a famous blue stone and it comes from Galveston.
I see.
And what about it? Well, the Infanta's eyes are bluer than it.
I see.
Have you ever seen this stone? No.
Not as such, My Lord.
But I know people who have and they say it's very blue indeed.
Have these people seen the Infanta's eyes? I shouldn't think so.
- And neither have you.
- No, My Lord.
What you're telling me is that something you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else you have never seen.
Yes, My Lord.
Percy, you are as much use to me as a hole in the head.
An affliction you must be familiar with, never having had a brain.
- Hello! - Hello.
Here I am, awaiting the arrival of the beautiful, ravishing Hello! Leave me alone, I'm trying to talk to someone.
while you're wittering away like a moorhen (Lady speaks Spanish) You are the love of my life, my love.
What? Percy, is this a friend of yours? Someone you You are the only one for me.
I want to hug and kiss you.
- (Speaks Spanish) - I am the Infanta! What? No one told me you had a beard.
Must be Jeremy of Estonia.
- Yo soy la Infanta! - Well, absolutely.
Aaah! (Speaks in Spanish) I have waited for this moment all of my life.
(Speaks passionately in Spanish) Your nose is smaller than I expected.
I suffer no similar disappointment.
(Speaks Spanish) My love, my love.
Mm, mm, mm, mm - (Spanish) - Your lips, I like.
(Speaks passionately) It's the rest of your body I wish to find out more about.
I'll slit their gizzards.
- My Lord, news.
- What? The Spanish Infanta has arrived.
Soon we'll have Spain in our grip.
My Lord, news.
The King of France sends his greetings.
Good news.
My diplomacy triumphs.
My Lord, news.
Lord Wessex is dead.
Ah - This news is not good.
- Pardon, My Lord.
I like it not.
Bring me other news.
Pardon, My Lord.
I like not this news.
Bring me some other news.
Yes, My Lord.
My Lord, news.
- Lord Wessex is not dead.
- Ah! Good news.
Let there be joy and celebration.
- My Lord.
- Yes.
Tell Osmond that to strengthen ties with Spain, he marries tomorrow.
Yes, My Lord.
Chiswick! Fresh horses! In 24 hours, I'll be married to a walrus.
You can't lock her out.
You may be right.
That should hold her up for at least a minute.
Wait a moment, My Lord.
I may have a plan to get you out of this marriage.
But it's a stupid plan, let's face it.
Oh, well, yes, maybe you're right.
But tell me anyway.
No, I won't bother, My Lord.
Please, tell me what your plan is.
- Please, tell me.
- All right.
I go along to the Infanta's room, and tell her you've gone mad.
She comes to the door and you meet her disguised as a little pig.
Then This is the cunning part Instead of saying "oink, oink", you say "mooo".
Then? Well, then she'll know you're mad and leave.
Ow! You shouldn't have bothered.
- My Lord? - What? I also have a plan.
Yes? Make her think you prefer the company of men.
I do, Baldrick.
No, My Lord, I mean the, er, intimate company of men? You don't mean like the Earl of Doncaster? I mean just like the Earl of Doncaster.
That great radish, that steaming great left-footer.
The Earl of Doncaster has been riding side saddle since he was 17.
Who would marry the Earl of Doncaster? No one would Brilliant! Of course.
No one would marry the Earl of Doncaster.
Except perhaps the Duke of Beaufort.
What are we going to do? First, get you looking right.
Just need to drape something effeminate around your shoulders.
Either of the Beaufort twins should do.
Right.
Perfect.
All you need to do is practise with Percy.
Practise what? Presentation, My Lord.
You over here, and, My Lord, just there.
Right, now, Percy, Lord Edmund is going to try to make himself, er, attractive to you.
Attractive? You know, like the Earl of Doncaster.
Good Lord.
Oh, well, fair enough.
No, you act normal, I'm the Earl of Doncaster.
That's me.
- Right.
- Right.
Go! Oh, my God, this is impossible.
I can't do this.
I've got a couple more things.
Oh, Percy, what am I going to do? We could try and strike up a conversation.
Ah, right.
Er, hel hello (Effeminate voice) Hello there! Ah, hello.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
Have you heard? Prince Edmund's going to marry the Infanta.
No, he damn well isn't.
Anyone who says I am, gets it.
Do you hear me? (Percy) Oh! Oh! oh! Yes, that's the kind of thing.
(Fanfare) Look out.
Here she comes.
Morning, Doncaster.
Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples.
- What is it? - The King of Naples.
Immediately, My Lord.
(Fanfare) Quick, quick.
Oh, my God.
Ah! Some, er, lark for the stag party, what? Er yes, yes, that's right.
I don't think you've met the Grand Duchess Ursula of Brandenburg.
(Very low voice) Er, no, how do you do, Ursula? I'd like a word about the speech at your wedding.
I'm going for a fruit motif.
- (Very low voice) Er, yes.
- Something like, "It is with exstrawberry pleasure that we welcome you.
" "May you be the apple of your husband's eye.
" "And may he in turn cherrys you.
" - Cherish, you see.
- Oh, ha ha.
"Even though it's an oranged marriage.
" - (All laugh) - (Harry) What do you think? (Low voice) Brilliant.
Quite, quite brilliant.
I thought it was good.
I'm hoping to squeeze in a banana by the end.
Willkommen (Fanfare) My Lord, this is it.
Mother, for Chrissakes, what do you want? Oh! Nothing, nothing.
(Fanfare) It's working, it's working! (Speaks Spanish) - I embrace and love you utterly.
- What? (Speaks emotionally) Oh, what a love, that you dress like a Spanish man to delight me.
Baldrick! - (Speaks Spanish) - What love, what love! Baldrick, you fool.
Look at the two lovebirds.
One lovebird and one love-elephant.
It's almost as if they were married already.
What did you say? It's almost as if you were married already.
That's what I thought you said.
Oh! Ah! Boys.
Yes, My Lord.
- I have another plan.
- (Infanta) Oh, uh! H'yah! (Inaudible) Is she the best you could do? I mean, I am marrying her.
It's only for a couple of days, isn't it? That's true.
Hurry up, Father.
Very well.
We are gathered, Gracious Lord, to bear witness, at very short notice.
(Woman laughs hysterically) to the marriage of these God-fearing Christians, Edmund, the Duke of Edinburgh and Tully Applebottom.
- Is that right? - Yes, that's right! Who ever would have thought it? The Duke of Edinburgh, consumed with passion, whisks away little Tully! (Tully laughs hysterically) Shut up! Get on with it! Yes, very well.
Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? No, I'm a bowl of soup.
Come on, hurry up.
And are you Miss Tully Applebottom? Er, Mrs.
Mrs.
Ah.
Ah.
Ah Never mind.
Get on with it, Father, come on.
But The church's never going to progress if it isn't a bit adaptable.
This is most unusual.
But hasn't the church always dealt with the unusual? The miracle with the fishes, for example! We'll continue.
No one knows any impediment why they may not be joined in holy matrimony.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Yes! And you are? Mr Applebottom.
The father of the bride! No, the husband of the bride.
This is my husband, Thomas.
Thomas, this is my fiancι, the Duke of Edinburgh.
Prince Edmund, this is Thomas.
Er, Thomas, this is Father O' Er, Smith.
I called about the ducking-stool fund.
Mr Applebottom, I was wondering whether I could have a temporary arrangement with your good lady.
I only need her for a very short stint.
Get out! Stupid peasant, all I want to do is marry your wife.
Get out of here! Oh! That was the Duke of Edinburgh, you know! No! That'll be the Earl of Doncaster.
(Infanta sighs contently) (Speaks Spanish) - Well, this is nice.
- Yes.
(Speaks Spanish) To have a little talk about ladies' things.
(Speaks Spanish) Just the two of us.
(Speaks Spanish) Tell me, Mrs Queen, about English men.
Oh, well, they spend most of their time with animals, you know.
And with other men.
But, oh, when they do come to the women, they only want one thing.
(Speaks Spanish) What is that? A kind of pudding, made with bread and butter and raisins.
Oh! And of course, the other thing! (Laughs and speaks Spanish) And what is the other thing? - Oh, well, custard.
- Crema.
(Speaks Spanish) Now, Edmund, what he like? I told you, this pudding.
(Speaks Spanish) - No, what's he like in bed.
- In bed! In bed, yes.
Well In bed he likes hot milk with just a little of cinnamon.
No, no, no, no.
What is he like? Oh, yes.
Well, like a little rabbit, really.
(Speaks Spanish) Mummy, Mummy, how much I love him.
I'd never have believed my stag party would be like this.
The most depressing night of my life.
At least you can take solace in one thing.
What's that? We're pretty sure she's a virgin.
At least there are no living witnesses to the contrary.
Or else we might still stand a chance.
Officially, you've still got to be a virgin.
What, My Lord? Oh! Oh-oh-oh no.
(Baldrick) No.
No! Yes! Yes! Yes! Please, My Lord, I beg you to reconsider.
You know I'd take any other way.
I'll die in there.
Don't worry, we'll give you a hero's funeral.
Bury you at sea, say you died in combat with an enemy vessel.
Right.
Now, go on, in you go.
Little boy with big job to do.
Come on, Percy, let's get the King.
(Percy chokes back tears) (In soft, high voice) Infanta! Infanta! (Infanta) Edmundo? Edmundo, amor mio.
(Interpreter) Oh, Edmund, my love.
(Infanta makes excited noises) - My Lord, Your Majesty.
- What? (Excited noises) - I bring the gravest of news.
- What? Have our armies on the Rhine been slaughtered, had their heads cut off and cheese poured down their nostrils - in the traditional Swiss manner? - No, My Lord.
(Infanta speaks passionately) (Baldrick moans) (Interpreter) Don't hold back, please, my little one.
Is it the Russian royal family, mistaken for bison, due to excessive winter clothing, and hunted down, chopped to pieces, and eaten as sweets by Mongolian bandits? No, My Lord.
(Infanta) Ahh-ahh! What, then? My Lord, the Spanish Infanta is not a virgin.
(Infanta) Ahh! Yes, I know that.
(Infanta groans) Mas! Her uncle told me.
(Interpreter) Again, please.
That's why he took 500 off the dowry.
But I thought Only one of you has to be a virgin.
Anything else? Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of Our Lord, to witness the marriage of two God-fearing Christians.
Are you Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh? Ye-yes, I am.
Are you Maria Escalosa Fiona Infan (Speaks impatiently in Spanish) Stupid person, hurry up, I wish to entwine him in my broad thighs.
Marriage is an holy state, conceived by God.
- If anyone knows just cause - (Thinks) Dear Lord, please help me now.
let him speak now or forever hold his peace.
(Thinks) Now's your chance.
So be it.
(Thinks) Oh, thanks a lot.
Come on! Do you, Edmund Plantaganet, take Maria - Usted, Edmundo Plantaganet - Oh, shut up.
to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, to cherish and to delight, to chastise and to beat until death until death do you part.
Speak up! Can't hear a thing here.
I do.
Still can't hear! I do, I do, I do! - Do you, Maria Escalosa Infante, - Si, si! - take Edmund Plantagenet - Yes, yes.
Oh, no! - I then pronounce you - Stop! Christ! I bring unbelievable news that must halt the wedding.
What? Have the Swiss and French made sudden peace at a mountain pass, then forged a clandestine alliance with Spain, leaving us without friends in Europe, unless we make an immediate pact with Hungary? Yes.
As I thought.
Are there any Hungarian Princesses in the castle? Yes, I think I've got one.
Er Yes, Princess Leia of Hungary.
What's she like? Er, Leia is young and beautiful, her eyes are like opals, her hair a cascade of perfect chestnut.
That sounds all right.
(Speaks Spanish, angrily) What is happening, please? Call her into the court.
And as for that great Spanish dumpling there, get her out of my sight at once! Or I'll eat her.
Argh! My love, save me.
Sorry, what can I do? Politics.
Come on, come on, come on.
Where is she? Where is Princess Leia? (King) Ah, good.
Good! Osmond, meet your new wife.
Hello, Edmund.
Hello.
Are we getting married now? Yes, I believe we are.
Come on, then.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today.
(Edmund) "And so it came to pass "that the Big Bear had to leave all his friends, "and go to live in a land far away, "where the elves and the fairies would look after him, "until the day that he died.
" (Leia) Oh! That was lovely, Edmund.
What a happy story.
Is it time to put the light out? Yes, my dear, I think it is.
It must be at least six o'clock.
The sound of hoof-beats 'cross the glade Good folk, lock up your son and daughter Beware the deadly flashing blade Unless you want to end up shorter Black Adder, Black Adder He rides a pitch-black steed Black Adder, Black Adder He's very bad indeed Black, his gloves of finest mole Black, his codpiece made of metal His horse is blacker than a vole His pot is blacker than his kettle Black Adder, Black Adder With many a cunning plan Black Adder, Black Adder You horrid little man (Leia) Can I have a drink of water, please? (Edmund) Yes, yes, yes.
All right.