Bobcat Goldthwait's Misfits & Monsters (2018) s01e04 Episode Script

1 [SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Knock-knock! Your friends are here! Mom, I don't have any friends.
I invited every kid from your class over.
My entire class is here? Well, no.
Just three.
Mom-m! Everybody wants to be popular.
Not me! I like to read and I like to be by myself.
Can't you just be happy that I'm a good kid? No.
It's important to be liked! Which three kids? Gabe, Owen, and Aidan.
Mom, that's a trifecta of social leprosy.
I'm a nerd 'cause I choose to be one.
Those kids have real mental problems.
I'm sure you're just exaggerating.
I'm not! Gabe eats his feelings.
Owen is a hypochondriact, unless being allergic to air is a real thing.
And Aidan? Has to see a therapist because he sent a picture, to the principal, of his weiner! Well, they sound fascinating and unique! Are you nuts? This is your worst idea, yet.
Or my best.
Boop! Let's go! Let's go! Come on, pumpkin.
Here we come.
Let's go see your friends.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Hey, everybody.
Who's excited for Ethan-palooza? More like loser-palooza.
Did you see that? Child abuse.
So, I thought it'd be fun if the boys slept in the backyard, in a tent.
[WHIMSICAL-SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS.]
I'm outta here.
Mrs.
Ethan's Mom, you and me have two totally different ideas of fun.
[SCOFF.]
Gabe, stay.
Heel.
Come.
Good boy.
How long do I have to be at this place? - Oh, it's just overnight.
- The whole night?! [LOWERING VOICE.]
It's his separation anxiety.
Owen, we live right across the street.
If you need me, I will come and get you, okay? Cool, Mom.
I think it's a great idea.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, I'm not talkin' to you.
I will.
Yeah, I will be there shortly, with the candles and the whipped cream.
Are you having a birthday celebration? No, nothing like that.
Although, we will be in our birthday suits.
[LAUGHING.]
Well, uh, it's been a pleasure, but, I have to go.
Oh, feel free to keep Aidan as long as you want.
[LAUGHING.]
No, I'm serious.
Long as you want.
- All right.
Bye, Becky.
- Oh, it's Wendy.
Yeah, still not talkin' to you.
Uh, Wendy, uh, Gabe is on a gluten-free diet and is also, uh has a low blood sugar, so, only natural snacks, and you really have to watch him.
- Mmm! - Gabe! Drop it.
Drop it.
- [WHIMSICAL TUNE PLAYS.]
- Drop.
Drop.
Is that it? Open your mouth.
Stick out your tongue.
Okay, well, I'll just find him an apple.
Ew.
I'm just so, so sorry.
There are Gabe's plastic sheets.
He has a tiny bladder.
Okay, my baby boy, you be good, now, okay? Good boy.
Thank you.
Uh, I guess I should get going.
Um don't let my Owen eat nuts.
He has a nut allergy.
That's not what I heard.
Here is your, uh, safety phone and your inhaler here you go and Mommy's pepper spray.
Spray 'em right in the eyes, sweetheart.
Right in the eyes.
Thanks.
No one is making you stay.
If you wanna come home, you can call me, at any time, and I will come and get you, okay? Affirmative.
Affirmative.
That's Mommy's brave, little soldier.
Oh! Okay, okay.
Oh.
- Okay.
- Bye.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
Well, Ethan, your friends are fascinating and unique.
This is terrible.
I'm gonna start drinking.
- [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
- [SLURPING.]
Hey, Gabe, can you help us with the tent? I can't.
I have low blood sugar.
[SLURP.]
Let's get one thing straight, dork.
- I'm not your friend.
- Yeah, dork.
Yeah, this could be bad for my image.
Sounds good to me.
When we get back to school, can we all agree this never happened? - What never happened? - Word.
Absolutely.
Your mom is so hot.
- Shut up! - You don't think your mom's hot? I don't know.
I've never checked out my mom before.
Never? [WHEEZE.]
No violence! [WHEEZE.]
I'm a pacifist! [WHEEZING.]
I need [WHEEZE.]
my inhaler.
Don't be a dick.
Hey, Ethan.
[BLASTING.]
Hello, Mr.
Greeley.
Who are your friends? They're not my friends, Mr.
Greeley.
They're just some kids my mom invited over.
- Well, hello, Ethan's, um, not-friends.
- Whuzzup? - OWEN: HI.
- AIDAN: Hey.
Why isn't he helping? I can't.
I have low blood sugar.
Hm.
So you boys aren't afraid of the Goatman? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
You know, he lives in those woods right over there.
The Goatman? You've never heard of the Goatman? The Goatman's been killing kids in this neighborhood for years.
That's not true.
Yeah, it is.
That's what happened to that kid in our class, Seth Donnelly.
Seth's parents got divorced and his dad took him out of state.
Oh, that is not what I heard.
I heard Seth was walking home between his parents' houses and the Goatman dragged him into the woods and drained his blood, - [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CLIMBS.]
- until he was dead! Anh! But you guys are fine.
- [BLAST.]
- You got this tent for protection.
I mean, that's some thick fabric there.
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
Have a nice night, boys.
Do you think that's true? Do you really think Seth got killed by the Goatman? Well, whatever happened to him, Ethan should be happy.
Why? That's the only reason you got on the basketball team.
- Ha! - That's not true.
[LIGHTER FLICKS.]
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
It's because of your mad skills.
[COUGHING.]
Can you do that outside? [COUGH.]
I'm allergic to smoke.
Fine.
I'm allergic to dorks.
[COUGHING.]
Aw, man, it smells like weed.
[PUFFS.]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
Don't worry about the Goatman.
I'm not.
I'm thinking about gluten.
What is it, and why is it so delicious? [TWIGS SNAPPING, BRUSH RUSTLING.]
Uhhhhhhh.
Did you hear that? Yeah.
[TWIGS SNAP.]
Uhohyehyehyehyeh.
[BRUSH RUSTLING.]
[TWIG SNAPS.]
[BRUSH RUSTLING.]
[WHISPERING.]
What is that? Yehyehyehyeeee.
[WHISPERING.]
It's the Goatman! [WHISPERING.]
It's not Goatman.
It's Aidan, messing with us.
[WHISPERING.]
Then go out and see.
[WHISPERING.]
No, you go out and see.
[BABBLING.]
Aidan, cut it out! - [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- Cut what out? - Arrrggghhh! - Aaaaaaah! [FOREBODING MUSIC CLIMBS.]
- Aaah! - [GROWLING.]
[SCREECHING.]
[MOANING.]
[CONTINUES SCREECHING.]
- [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [URINATING.]
Gabe, you peed on my phone! Yep.
I told you, I have a small bladder.
Shh! [BRUSH RUSTLING.]
[THUMP.]
- [GASPING.]
- [WHEEZING.]
Oh, my God! Would you stop that! [WHEEZING.]
[BLAST.]
[MUTTERING.]
[BRUSH RUSTLING.]
[RUSTLING FADES.]
What are we gonna do? Here's the plan: I will open the tent flaps and, when the Goatman comes in, Owen, you blast him with your mom's pepper spray and Aidan will hit him in the head with this baseball bat.
Me?! Why me?! You're the tough guy.
I'm not really that tough.
Like most bullies, I'm actually scared and insecure.
Okay.
I guess I'll do it, then.
What can we use as bait ? Oh, no.
[SOBBING.]
No, no! Stop crying, baby! [SOBBING.]
I'm too young to die! I don't wanna die-ie-ie! [CRYING.]
[MUTTERING.]
- [SNARLING.]
- Aaah! [CONTINUES SNARLING.]
Please, no.
No, no, no.
Aah! Aa-aah! [THUD.]
- Agh! - Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! [GROWL.]
[BLAST, CLACK.]
[THUD.]
Aa-aah! ALL: Aaaaaaah! Aa-aah! Die, bitch! Aa-aah! Aa-aah! Aa-aah! [GROANING.]
[PANTING.]
Agh.
[SQUEAK.]
Tell Mrs.
Greeley I [SQUEAK.]
Mr.
Greeley? He's the Goatman?! No! He was playing some kind of joke on us.
Well, it wasn't very funny.
I gotta go.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Why? You were the one who killed Mr.
Greeley! I'm not going down on this alone.
[WHEEZING.]
Before anyone gets crazy, let me explain something to you.
You're all accomplices.
I didn't do anything! Not true! You told me to do it, and you sprayed the pepper spray, and you were the bait, so we're in this together.
[SOBBING.]
It's my fault I look delicious! It was the gluten! Look, I think we can all agree that this was just a terrible mistake and that we need to get rid of the body.
- What?! - Not me! Listen, if we tell our parents, they will flip out and probably tell the cops and then we have to go to juvie forever.
Even if we got out, everyone would know, and they would treat us like freaks.
Cool.
Maybe you think it's cool, but I have a state spelling bee championship on Tuesday that I'm not missing.
I'm with Ethan.
Fine, but, after this, like we agreed earlier, we never speak of this night again and we are still not friends.
Agreed.
I didn't even wanna be bait.
You pushed me out of the tent! Look, Gabe, there are three of us and one of you.
Either you're in, and you help us get rid of this body; or you're out, and we blame the whole thing on you.
What?! "That's right, Officer.
That's your killer.
It was Gabe, in the tent, with the baseball bat!" That's not even how you play Clue, moron.
Gabe, I don't like this any more than you do.
Let's just get this over with and never talk about it again.
And we're absolutely still not friends, agreed? ALL: Agreed.
[GRUNTING.]
OWEN: We're going to go to jail! - Quiet, Owen! - Where are we taking him? We're gonna bury him in his backyard.
Wouldn't it be funny if, now, we got killed by the real Goatman? - What is wrong with you? - OWEN: Yeah, shut up, Aidan.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
- [RING.]
- This is deep and breathing.
- [FORCED EXHALING.]
- [RING.]
[HUMS.]
- [RING.]
- Why is it taking so long? - Hello.
- Yes, oh, hi.
Um, this is Emily, Owen's mom.
- Is everything okay? - Yes, why? Um, well, I'm I'm very concerned.
I've called Owen three times and he hasn't answered, so.
Well, I'm sure it's just because of all the fun they're having.
Fun? Owen doesn't have fun.
Can you please put him on the phone? Sure.
Ow-en! Telepho-o-o-ne! [CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
It's your mom! [WHEEZING.]
We're going to jail! I'm going to miss my spelling bee! Pull it together, man.
[SLAP.]
- Owen? - I can't! Yes, you can.
You go into that house and you act normal.
Whatever your version of normal is.
Owe-e-n! Owen! You got this.
Go! [GASPING.]
- We're all doomed.
- Hi, Owen.
Okay, one big breath.
Deep, deep to the diaphragm.
Deep to the diaphragm.
Hi.
Hi, hi, hi, honey.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, baby.
Um, is everything okay? - Are you okay? - We're having a great time.
Just ask Ethan's mom.
Don't I look like I'm having fun? Sure Did you hear that, Mom? - Everything is fine.
- Okay.
Now, I have to go and have more fun.
Bye! Buh-bye, baby.
Oh, he's getting so mature.
Mm! [EXHALE.]
My womb.
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
How'd it go? They don't suspect a thing? That's my boy.
Cool as ice.
[THUD.]
[WHOOSH.]
Uhh! Did you hit a sewer pipe? Sorry, guys.
That was one of mine.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
It's a chest.
I think we should open it.
We don't have time! What if it's money? If it's money, we split it three ways.
Uh, why three ways? 'Cause, Gabe, you haven't done a thing.
[SADLY.]
Mm.
[CLICK, CREAKING.]
[SUSPENSEFUL CHORD STRIKES.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! [HYPERVENTILATING.]
Oooh! I was right! Mr.
Greeley is the Goatman! That's the first time! I'm never right about anything! [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SCRAPE.]
- It won't fit.
- [CREAKING.]
This is like a tessellation puzzle I can't figure out, only it's a nightmare.
We have to chop off his arm.
I didn't wanna say it, but that would solve the puzzle.
Aidan, you pull on his arm, while I try to chop it off with this shovel.
Gabe, you stand there, being Gabe; and Owen, keep breathing and try not to freak out.
[SIGH.]
One, two, three.
[THUD.]
Oh, [BLEEP.]
.
Argh! You cut off my toes! Oh, my God! I'm sorry! - [SOBBING.]
- There's no blood.
- What? - [GASPING.]
A miracle! One, two, three! [THUD.]
- Aaaaah! - [LAUGHS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[THUD, CREAKING.]
Unh! Guys, I wanted to thank you for helping me.
Whatever.
Like we agreed, let's just forget tonight ever happened.
Deal.
Are you guys gonna be able to sleep? I can sleep through anything.
[MOANING, SCRATCHING DOOR.]
[SIGH.]
Rufus is my doggy-baby.
Come on in.
Aaaaaaah! [GASP.]
Aaaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! [GRUMBLES.]
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS.]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[RADIO CHATTER.]
Boys, I need to know what happened.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
It was all me.
They had nothing to do with it.
I did it.
Mr.
Greeley came into our tent and I hit him in the head with the bat.
[BIRD TRILLS.]
Is that true? I don't know how to tell you this, son, - but you're a hero.
- [ETHEREAL TUNE PLAYS.]
Not only did you save yourself and your friends, here, but you protected the lives of our entire community.
Great job, best friend.
He's everybody's best friend.
Especially mine.
Why don't you take the boys home.
They all been through a lot and I'm sure they can use the rest.
Come on, bud.
We're gonna spend the day together.
- What about Becky? - Anh, there's no more Becky.
You spent the whole night by yourself.
I'm proud of you! Gabe, come on, Gabe.
[SMOOCHING.]
Come on.
[CLUCKING, WHISTLING.]
Come on, buddy.
Stop treating me like a dog.
You're right, honey.
Come on, son.
See? You have friends.
People like you! Everybody likes you.
- Thanks, Mom.
- [CHUCKLES WARMLY.]
Mom? The other kid in the chest turned out to be Tyler.
That boy that called me names on the bus in kindergarten? Oh? You don't say.
And Aidan said that the only reason I got on the basketball team was because Seth went missing.
Well, that's not important.
What's important is that you got on the team.
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
It's important to be liked.
[THWACK!.]
[SCRAPE.]
Mom? Did you kill all those people? No, Ethan.
Mr.
Greeley? That was all you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CLIMBS.]
[CLANG, RATTLING.]
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS.]
Now eat your veggies.
They're from Mr.
Greeley's garden.
[LAUGHTER.]
Boop! [SINISTER CHORD STRIKES.]
[SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS.]
A mark.
[CLACK.]
- Action.
- Don't worry about the Goatman.
I'm not.
I'm thinking about gluten.
- What is it - All right, let's hold up.
- [LAUGHING.]
Jesus Christ! - Oh, my God! GOLDTHWAIT: Sleepover.
Those kids were great.
Kudos to you for having four amazing, young actors and getting them to give the performances that they did.
Where are we taking him? I think we did a good job, visually.
I just couldn't stop thinking about "Goonies".
- Oh! [LAUGHS.]
- You know? - For me, "Stand by Me".
- Yeah.
FRANCOMBE: Oh, my gosh, you dislocated his knee again.
- CHAPIN: Oh, no! - FRANCOMBE: Oh, God.
Snap it back into place.
Wha-pushhh! I'd say who influenced me the most was myself because I'm awesome.
[LAUGHTER.]
So.
I'm too young to die! I've never been to Detroit! I don't wanna die-ie-ie! Like which comedians do you think are funny? I like Jim Carrey.
Uh - Any other - Jonah Hill, Michael Cera.
- Any '80s comedians? - Uh.
- What do you expect? - [LAUGHING.]
Maybe Bobcat Goldthwait? [LAUGHTER.]
No, that's okay.
There's no pressure.
- [WHIMSICAL TUNE PLAYS.]
- Ahh! Goatman.
[ALL MOANING.]
All right, cut.
Great.
FRANCOMBE: Cut.
Dale "Sunshine" Fry was just the right height to put the goat mask on and take a ball bat to the face.
[THWACK.]
What about when you hit the stunt man in the head? Were you nervous then? - No, I was just bang! Bang! - [CHUCKLE.]
Aa-aah! - ALL: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Aa-aah! So, we were doing the whole shebang, right? So, I ask Bobcat Goldthwait, I was like, "Can I cuss for a second?" He was like, "Yeah, sure, Geordie.
What do you wanna say? " I say, " Can I say, - 'Die, bitch'?" I'm like - [LAUGHS.]
And then he says, "Yeah.
You can say, 'Die, bitch, ' Geordie.
" Die, bitch! - GOLDTHWAIT: Say it again.
- Die, bitch! [THUDDING.]
Okay, cut.
[LAUGHTER.]
Cut.
I think one of the fun parts was - getting slapped.
- Oh, really? - That was really fun.
- Pull it together, man.
I was expecting like a stage slap and then he's like, "Okay, actually slap him.
" I was like, "Wait, what?" [SLAPPING.]
What was your favorite part? When Gabe, over here, wet his pants.
- [SNICKERING.]
- You peed on my phone! I told you, I have a small bladder.
- Shh! - The sound of trickling water - is funny to me.
- Right, right.
- So just being in a tent - And you hear it.
with the four other cast members and stuff, and then, all of a sudden, - trickling water.
- [LAUGHS.]
It was extremely hard not to just crack up, laughing.
Oh, no.
ooh.
- [SUPPRESSED LAUGH.]
- Cut.
For continuity reasons, after I peed my pants, they had to change my pants into like having them pre-, you know, peed on.
- Pre-peed for you? - And so, like, every so often, they would send a guy over there, he would have to spray my crotch [LAUGHTER.]
and I'd be like "Thank you.
" - [SNORT.]
- [WHIMSICAL OUTRO PLAYS.]
- SPEAKER: Okay, cut.
- That's a lot of pee.
So, was any of it scary, when you were filming it? - No.
- Seeing a dead body, yeah.
- Yeah? - Give me a hand.
This was my favorite episode to film.
You guys were a blast to work with.
[CREAKING.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! [SPOOKY FLOURISH PLAYS.]