Boomers (2014) s01e04 Episode Script

1 (# SMOKEY ROBINSON & THE MIRACLES: The Tears Of A Clown) Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Ripped By mstoll Now if there's a smile on my face It's only there trying to fool the public But when it comes down to fooling you Now, honey, that's quite a different subject But don't let my glad expression - # Give you the wrong impre # - (SONG ENDS ABRUPTLY) Have you invited everyone from work? Yep.
What about champagne? Have you got champagne? I want a bit of sophistication, a bit of class.
We don't need champagne.
We've got cava.
Cava's fine for that lot.
You are going to be nice to everyone, aren't you, Alan? Joyce, this is your retirement party, I want everyone to feel welcome.
I'm just not keen on having it at home, that's all.
You can't ever really relax when you're throwing a party.
Yeah, but you're not throwing it, Joyce - I am, and it'll be fantastic, I promise.
What I really wanted was a very tasteful surprise party at a country hotel.
Sandra, when she retired from the police Here we go.
she had a themed famous detectives party at the Marriott.
Marquee, swing band, chocolate fountain, Hercule Poirot serving all the champagne cocktails.
It had a bit of class, a bit of tastefulness, a bit of sophistication.
Yeah, but you don't have to spend that kind of money to be classy, Joyce.
I promise you I will transform our house into your very own, special, country hotel, just for the day.
Ah, where would I find a patio heater and some heavy-duty plastic sheeting? Hi! - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, you didn't all need to come.
It's Saturday morning, Joy.
What else are we going to do? If Maureen doesn't get her garden centre fix of a Saturday she goes into withdrawal.
Which one for the front porch? I can't decide.
I've literally fallen in love with them both.
We like the coffee in here, don't we? Yeah.
Best cappuccino vanilla shake in Thurnemouth.
Certainly is.
Actually, it's the only cappuccino vanilla shake in Thurnemouth.
All set for tomorrow? Got your party head on? - I think so.
- It's a big day for Joyce.
End of a working life.
That's the last time she'll ever make any money.
You want to make sure it goes with a bang.
I'll do my best.
And you're not on your own, remember that.
We're all on hand to chip in.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
Joyce has been a rock for us all over the years, and we're going to do everything we can to make tomorrow a day she'll remember for ever.
Maureen's bringing crisps.
(BIRDSONG) How was London? Oh, it was lovely.
Really nice to catch up with Jackie.
We had a fantastic lunch in Covent Garden.
Sounds upmarket.
No, it was smart, but not over the top.
Being from London I'm not fazed by these places - I'm used to a bit of glam.
Are we going to get a bit of glam at yours tomorrow, Joyce? Wouldn't get your hopes up.
Alan's organising it.
It's not going to be a big do anyway.
There's been a few retirement parties got out of hand recently.
I'm not going down that road.
Barbara Wait had to have her living room carpet steam-cleaned after hers, and she said her toilet was awash with urine.
Men get worse as they get older, don't they? Have you tried a ping-pong ball? You know, in the pan? Give them something to aim at.
It worked for John.
I don't think Alan could hit a ping-pong ball.
Trevor would struggle to hit a table.
How's the video tribute going? It's all done.
I've got this new camera.
Does all the editing for you.
It's amazing! Well, cost a bob or two, mind, but you never regret money well spent, do you? - How much do I owe you? - No, no, put it away.
- OK.
- This is on me, for Joyce.
Now, I've kept it light.
I mean, I can't stand it when people get all soppy over those things, you know.
It's like a birthday card.
You want a funny one or a syrupy one.
Did you ever get one of those cards, right, which says, '"For that someone extra special on their birthday'"? Nine times out of ten, the person who's sent it is a pillock.
Did I tell you I've taken up cycling? 150 minutes a week.
That's all you need.
- I'm going to get this one.
- I wouldn't.
What's wrong with it? Well, it's no good.
It's the cheapest.
You get what you pay for, see.
You only get one retirement party.
Do you want Joyce's to be remembered as the one where all the guests caught hypothermia and died? It's happened before.
Now, we don't want you to worry about catering tomorrow, - do we, Maureen? - No.
We're taking over the kitchen.
So you can concentrate on letting your hair down.
I'm doing nem nuong.
Nem nuong.
Vietnamese.
Very cosmopolitan.
I'm doing an Asian fusion course at the U3A.
You want to go online and check them out.
You can do all sorts of things.
Very interesting courses.
- Really, Carol, you don't need to.
- Joyce, it's all taken care of.
We don't want to hear any more about it.
Yeah, but nong numong - Nem nuong.
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
That sounds like it might be tricky.
Joyce, you want a bit of sophistication, don't you? A little bit of cosmopolitaneity.
I agree.
I mean, I think we're very sophisticated up here.
Do you know what Jackie said to me the other day at lunch? '"You look like you've settled in to life in the country.
'" Know what I mean? Like I was some sort of simpleton up from the provinces.
We're not simpletons.
We're not simpletons up from the provinces, are we? I mean, people from London think that anyone beyond the M25 is out in the sticks.
We're hardly out in the sticks.
- Exactly, Carol.
- We're only an hour from Norwich.
I'm losing a lot of redcurrants to birds.
Are you? Carol only got three jars of jam off her bush last summer.
Really? Only three? - Mad keen on jam-making, Carol is.
- Yeah? Oh, yeah.
And sewing, knitting.
She's actually been teaching me how to knit.
We're communicating much better, I think.
We've been given listening exercises to do by the counsellor.
Listening to the other person is a crucial part of any, er, relationship.
What? You want to get yourself off somewhere nice.
You know what I'd do? I'd go to Norway on a cruise.
I've always had this fantasy of lying naked in the snow with a big, blond Scandinavian man - you know, a Viking type - watching the northern lights.
When you're retired you've got the time to do these things.
Me and Alan were thinking about Weymouth.
That one.
It's got more babies.
Oh, John.
Hi.
Hi.
Er Uh How's the bike? Yeah, good.
So So So, what are you doing here? Oh, I get my vegetables from the farm shop.
- They're all locally sourced, so - This is Sarah.
- It's actually Sara.
- Yeah.
Um, I told you about Sara from the cycling club.
The over-60s cycling club?! Well, we were out the other day, and, er, she was at the side of the road.
She had a puncture.
He came to my rescue.
Fixed my tyre, readjusted my seat, sorted out my gears.
I mean, he's multi-talented.
He's got a great singing voice too, hasn't he? - Has he? - Oh, yeah.
He was singing us all sorts of things to keep us going.
He's a cheerful soul, aren't you, John? Always looking to make friends, he is.
Just report him to the police if it starts to feel like stalking.
Oh, no.
No, it's great to meet people.
We just moved into the area.
Across the road from Joyce.
- Oh, that's brave of you.
- That's what I said.
Well, we decided we wanted the kids to grow up by the sea.
London is just too claustrophobic.
You've moved up from London? Yeah.
I think Joyce is going to love retirement, don't you? Yeah.
You know, I was thinking, you know, you've bought her a present from both of us, and she'll love that, but that's from you, really.
I should get her something from me, something warm and personal, you know.
Yeah? - So what if tomorrow at the party - Yeah.
I give her an assessment of her annuities and pension options? - She'd like that.
- You think? - Yeah.
- Oh.
- Trevor? - Yes? We've got some time now, haven't we, to do things, and you've been careful with our money? Yes, I have.
The secret is buying in the troughs and selling at the peaks.
It sounds easy, but, you know, you've got to know what you're doing.
What do you think about a Norwegian cruise? Oh, that sounds interesting.
We could see the northern lights.
Just lie in the snow looking up at the stars.
We'd need plenty of layers on.
(WHISPERS) Oh Joy? Joy, have you met your new neighbour? Sarah has just moved in across the road from you.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
It's actually Sara.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sara is a much nicer name, isn't it? I told her she's got to meet the gang.
Oh, don't know what she's done to deserve that.
This is Joyce.
She's having a party tomorrow.
She should come along, shouldn't she? Yeah, the more the merrier(!) She's up from London.
- I couldn't crash your party.
- Oh, Sara, you are coming and that's that.
- Well, that is very kind.
- Yeah.
See you tomorrow, then.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Lovely girl, she is.
I feel like we've got a connection, because of the London thing, and because she's got the same arse I had 30 years ago.
(# THE WHO: My Generation) - # People try to put us d-down - # Talkin' 'bout my generation # Do you want me to do anything? No.
I'm doing all the work, Joyce.
It's my treat.
Now, where do you keep your big pans? Hi.
Hi.
And a chopping knife.
Is this a chopping board? No, that's a tray.
Oh, it looks like a chopping board, doesn't it? Have you got a chopping board? You know, I could do that.
No, Joyce, I don't want you to do anything.
You go and have fun.
I'm totally self-sufficient here, once I get the blender.
Er - Carol? - Mm? Why don't I have a go for five minutes, get it started, and you could go and help out in the other room? But I've got the recipe.
Yeah, but you can still be helpful in there.
Doing what? Well, making sure the drinks are topped up.
Hi.
Making sure the nibble bowls are full.
- OK, but then we swap back.
- Yeah.
We can do it on a tag-team basis.
Exactly.
Now, it's quite straightforward except that one of the kids will go into an anaphylactic shock if they eat any peanuts.
- Which one? - Can't remember.
- # Why don't you all f-fade way? - # Talkin' 'bout my generation Don't try and d-dig what Hey, it's going well, this, isn't it? I think so.
Bit quiet though.
You know, it would be nice to get people going a bit.
Bit of dancing, you know? Joyce doesn't want them to get going too much.
Dancing could be fatal for some of them.
I don't know how we're going to get by without Joyce.
The NHS is going to grind to a halt, although some would say it already has.
Ha! Ha-ha, yeah.
Pat, are you all right for drink? Oh, yes, thanks.
Love the champagne.
Well, actually, it's cava.
Can't tell the difference, can you? No, it's champagne.
I've just seen it poured from the bottle.
- Joyce will appreciate it.
- Oh, she will.
She'll want a proper grasp of it, certainly with all the changes to annuities - that they're bringing in.
- Well, you should tell her.
Well, I think later.
I think now.
Watch him, Trev.
That's the local Viagra dealer.
What? I'm joking, mate! He is single, though.
I don't think we're at that stage.
Nobody ever thinks they're at that stage until it's too late.
Keep an eye on him, Trev.
It'll start out with an innocent looking cocktail sausage and, before you know, it'll have grown into something a lot bigger.
They're not cocktail sausages.
They're spring rolls.
Hi.
- Oh, brilliant! You came.
- Yeah.
This is Inga and Alf, my husband Dan.
- Hello.
- Hope Joyce doesn't mind us crashing.
Oh, she'll love it.
Everybody is very friendly round here.
That is the main difference that I noticed when I moved up from London.
Everybody is so quaint.
Hey, I thought we said ' "no champagne'".
It's only a couple of bottles, Alan! Are we not allowed a couple of bottles?! I'm retiring today.
I think I deserve a little celebration.
What are you doing? - I'm making a peanut satay.
- What are you doing that for? Because Carol says we have to have a peanut satay and a chilli dipping sauce with her Vietnamese nibbles, and one of them has got to be non-peanut, because one of Sara's kids has got a peanut allergy, and the other one can't eat gluten.
I mean, why bring them out anywhere if there's a risk of death every time you open a bag of bloody crisps?! - Who's Sara? - She's some woman I don't even know - from across the road.
- What did you invite her for? (SHOUTS) I didn't! Ah, that's better.
What are you up to? Oh, I'm going to put up Lee's old train set.
Oh, his little train set.
Oh, he used to love his little trains, didn't he? - Yeah.
- But I'm just wondering, Alan, I'm just wondering why you are putting it out (LOWERS VOICE) in the middle of my retirement party? - Well, obviously there's a reason.
- Oh, yeah, there must be a reason.
Like there's probably a reason I am standing in the middle of my kitchen covered in peanut paste rather than celebrating my retirement in the refined surroundings of the Marriott Hotel.
- Well, yeah - No, that's all right, Alan.
You don't have to tell me now, because I'm a bit busy.
But I tell you what, why don't we make an appointment and talk about it later(?) Ooh, let me see.
Ooh, look, there's a window in my diary just come up, and it starts on Monday morning at nine o'clock and finishes when I'm dead! Does that work for you(?) (SOUL MUSIC PLAYS) Crisp? Do you want me to run the tribute video now? Er, no, perhaps leave it a bit longer.
Right, just give us a shout when you're ready.
Now, listen What is that? Oh, it's Lee's old train set.
OK.
Yeah, but listen, just to warn you, I've connected your amp and I'm going to ramp up the sound a bit.
Hey, it's a celebration for Joyce.
We've got to keep everybody up and buzzing.
Yeah.
We don't want to get everybody too worked up.
I'm not talking wife-swapping, Alan.
I'm just saying let's get everyone going.
SARA: Yeah, well, I will do.
Hi, there.
You having a nice time? Yeah, I'm having a great time.
I've been giving her the lowdown, bit of local knowledge.
Not that I'm a local, as you know.
Yes.
So, what are you going to do with yourself now you're retired? Ooh, I haven't really thought about that yet, Sara.
I'm really jealous.
I wish we could just give it all up and indulge ourselves like that.
You know, just do nothing.
I would take the kids on a round-the-world trip.
Me and Dan both feel very strongly it's important to expose them to alien cultures.
Well, you've come to the right place then.
Norfolk.
Oh.
No, it's lovely here.
The coast is so beautiful and windswept.
It's like being in a scene from The Piano.
More like Cocoon.
It's great for the children to mix with people from your generation.
It gives them a different perspective, you know.
It's like living history for them.
You could tell them what London was like in the Blitz.
How amazing would that be? I don't think I remember the Blitz, Sara(!) Might need to ask Maureen about that.
Sara is home-educating Alfie and ALL: Inga.
That's interesting, isn't it? Yeah.
We don't like to set boundaries for them.
I wish we'd home-educated our Mark.
Didn't learn nothing at that school of his.
- She likes ornaments, does she? - Oh, kids will find fun in anything.
We like to let them experiment.
It's good for their imagination.
- (CHINA SMASHING) - Oh, time for Inga's banana.
(# THE ANIMALS: House Of The Rising Sun) She's very nice.
Yeah, I've got that.
- And not too loud.
- No worries.
Er, when are you doing this surprise tribute video? I don't know.
I was going to surprise you.
Well, I've got to know when to serve the buffet.
- When do you want me to do it? - Well, any time you want.
After people have finished eating? Oh, no, don't wait for that.
We'll be here all night.
- After the cake? - No, people will be half asleep.
- How about now? - No, too early.
- So when? - Like I said, whenever you want.
Joyce, have we ever spoken about annuities? Not now, Trevor.
I'll catch her later.
I would.
Check it out, dude.
Proper train set.
My son loved this when he was your age.
He used to play on this thing for hours.
Mate, is that awesome, or is that super-awesome? Yeah, Alf likes his iPod games, so this will be a real educational change-up for him.
Yeah, well, everything's on computers these days, isn't it? - Yeah, course it is.
- Even our stuff's on computers.
I was looking for some photos this week to put up today.
Er, I was going to do like a photo-board thing, you know, special moments from Joyce's life.
- Oh, yeah, sure.
- Yeah, yeah, but the point is, I couldn't find anything from the last ten years because everything is on the computer, or on the ' "iCloud'".
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
- Yeah.
Plus, with everything being on the computer, you've got to know the password to access it.
- You can't just hand them on.
- Exactly.
That'll be the last conversation you'll have with Alf.
You'll be on your deathbed, and he'll be like, '"Before you go, Dad, there's just three little words I'd like to say to you.
' "What's your password? '" It's OK, mate.
Daddy's not dying.
(# FREE: All Right Now) There she stood - (VOLUME DOWN) - # in the street Smiling from her head to her feet Is there any chance we could have a word about when you'll be showing the tribute video? I just need to know when to make my speech.
No problem.
I'll give you a shout.
I'm really looking forward to it.
Oh, it's good, Trev.
You'll love it.
Yeah, there's music, and credits at the end and everything.
No mushy stuff, you know.
I can't stand it when people get mushy.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.
Um, when do you want me to do my bit? What? Well, I haven't done my bit yet.
Are you saving me for the end? That's the plan, Trevor, yes, save you for the end.
What, just before the credits? Just after.
How does that work? - We'll sort it out in a minute.
- OK.
No worries.
I wouldn't want to be the only one missing.
No.
Oh, you'll love this one.
(# THE DAVE CLARK FIVE: Glad All Over) Hey, you'll like this.
Do you know it? Dave Clark Five? Proper music.
#Always be mine (SINGS ALONG) # I'm feeling # Glad all over, yes I'm - # Glad all over - # Baby, I'm Glad all over Seeing your two reminds me of when our Mark was little.
We used to take full advantage of everything that growing up in the big city had to offer, as I'm sure you did yours.
We took him to the first McDonald's when it opened in Woolwich.
Oh they love their McDonald's, don't they? We've never been.
Alf and Inga are vegetarian.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we only really ever eat the chips.
Um, I think we ought to be heading off.
Inga is getting a bit bored.
Oh, don't be silly.
Stay and chill out.
I know what it's like looking after small children, bless 'em.
It's exhausting.
You don't want to be doing that all afternoon.
Oh, Joy, would you look after Inga? Oh, no, you don't need to.
Oh, Joy don't mind.
She's brilliant with kids.
No peanuts.
Do you want some more wine? Here we go.
Here's Uncle Alan.
I'm not Uncle Alan.
Well, I can't just say ' "Alan'".
It sounds a bit threatening.
Not as threatening as ' "Uncle Alan'".
Have we got any DVDs we could sit her in front of? Well, I can't take her round with me.
She might cop a stray peanut.
Have a look in the cupboard.
Come on, sweetheart.
Let's find you a DVD to watch.
- I'll have to check it's OK with my mum.
- Oh, don't worry about that.
You haven't got any dodgy DVDs, have you, Uncle Alan? (# SAM & DAVE: Hold On, I'm Comin') What the British invasion did, in terms of what it meant for US music Just wondering when we might talk about the tribute video? In a minute, love.
What it did was it reconnected them to the blues roots of pop music.
You see, we got Scousers to reinvent Black music, basically.
Oh, it's all right, Dan, you can say ' "Black'".
They gave it to us, and we gave it back to them via the Mersey Beat, and what have you, in a repackaged way.
Yeah.
Without Herman's Hermits you wouldn't have What was the one you said? Rizzle Kicks.
Rizzle Kicks.
I never had one of these.
Look at the detail on that, underneath, where you wouldn't even see it.
This is what it's all about, isn't it, retirement? It's not parties.
It's not about sorting out annuities and boring pensions.
It's only money, isn't it? As long as you've got your health and you're enjoying yourself, nothing else matters.
- Thanks for that(!) - What? I'm trying to sort these bloody kids out and you're sitting here playing with your bloody train set.
- No, I'm not.
- You've left me to look after everyone again.
It's my bloody party! I've done nothing but sort people out.
- You like sorting people out.
- No, I don't.
I'd rather be sitting here on my arse - playing silly buggers like you.
- I'll, um, check on the patio heater.
You've embarrassed Trevor now.
I haven't embarrassed Trevor.
I've embarrassed you! Joyce? Joy, we've got a little bit of a problem.
- What's the matter, sweetheart? - She's been watching DVDs on her own.
Well, I looked through them all.
There were no dodgy ones.
Yeah, but you didn't stay with her and help her understand what she was watching.
Well, I showed her how the remote control works.
I like to check everything my children are going to watch.
I promise you there's nothing in this house that isn't family-friendly.
I've got a grandchild myself and I wouldn't allow it.
Yes, well, I'm sure you know what's best for them, but I think I'm probably the best person to judge what's right for my children.
It's only make-believe, love.
It's a film.
It's not real.
I think you'll find this is very real.
Alan? Why have we got a film of the liberation of Belsen Concentration Camp - lying about in our DVD cupboard? - Well, it's a documentary about the end of the Second World War.
It's the actual footage shot by the Americans who got there first.
It's, er, one of the first, er, colour newsreel films.
I don't know.
Look, I know you're doing your best, but maybe you shouldn't have children round if there aren't appropriate activities for them to engage with.
Well, that's nice of you to point it out, and I'll certainly bear it in mind(!) But in actual fact, I never did invite your children round, Sara.
You brought them round off your own bat.
And quite honestly, I've never seen more badly behaved, obnoxious children in my entire life, and I've been to France! (SHE MOUTHS) (WHISPERS) I'll call you.
(JOYCE SIGHS) All I've done is have people dictating to me.
'"These are the people that are coming round.
'" ' "This is the food we're having.
'" ' "This is the drinks we're serving.
'" All right, calm down, Joyce.
I think you're over-reacting.
It's only a party.
Well, why couldn't we have hired a hall out? That's what other people do.
Or gone out for a nice meal, - just me and you? - We couldn't do that.
Or treated ourselves to a nice week in Spain? - We couldn't do it, Joyce.
- Why not? - Because.
- Because what? Because we can't afford it.
My annuity has come up a bit short.
This is the best I can do for the minute.
Do you mean we haven't got any money? No, of course we have, just not as much as we thought, that's all.
Well, what are we going to do? Am I going to have to go back to work? - No.
- Alan, look at me.
Is this a retirement party, or is it not a retirement party? It's not a retirement party.
Oh, thank God for that.
Are you all right? Yeah.
Is she all right? It's always a struggle when you move to a new area.
Yeah, not everyone's as adaptable as us, love.
I know.
We're very lucky like that.
- We fit in anywhere, don't we, babe? - We do.
I wouldn't mind having her arse, though.
Oh, don't be daft.
I'm not interested in that.
I don't care what you look like.
It doesn't matter to me.
Obviously it does matter to me, er, but it's not What I'm saying is, you've got a lovely arse.
(# THE MONKEES: I'm A Believer) Now I'm a believer Not a trace Of doubt in my mind Oh, Alan, you've done me a tribute video.
Er, hi, Joyce.
Er, Alan here.
Um, I'm very proud of you and, er, I want you to know that whatever you decide to do with the rest of our lives - Aw! I'm behind you 100%.
MAUREEN ON DVD: Joyce is my best friend What are we going to do about the presents? I'm getting a bit emotional.
Look, I'm glad you're retiring because then you can spend more time shopping with me, and, er, anyway, deep down I know you're a lazy cow and it'll suit you down to the ground.
- Aw! Mm - There you go.
JOHN ON DVD: Hey, Joyce.
Hope you like the video.
It's cost Al a fortune.
Anyway, listen, happy retirement, kid.
Um, can I just stop you there? - There's something I want to say and - Can I just go first, Joyce? I've just got a few words to say at this point.
- Good luck, Joyce.
- Ah, thank you, Pat.
- Now - And don't forget, if you ever need a doctor's appointment, well, don't come to us because we're all bloody useless.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah, - well - But, in recognition of all your years of service, we've all clubbed together and raised £75 towards your dream - Caribbean cruise.
- Oh, thank you.
And thanks, everyone, for coming, but I've got a little bit of an announcement I want to make.
I'm not retiring.
So, Pat, if you and the gang'll have me back, I can put off this nightmare for another year or two.
Bu! Oh You'd better have this back now.
Oh, I can't take it back.
Oh, course you can.
Everybody else is.
Joyce, I didn't get a chance to say something on the tribute video.
But if I had, it would be something like this.
We all love you, Joyce, and we'll all be there for you whenever you need us.
- Been doing communication in counselling.
- Mm-hm.
(JOHN SNIFFS) Are you all right? Yeah, yeah.
I thought you didn't want it to be too syrupy.
- I didn't.
- Alan? - Mm? - Excuse me.
Alan! Give it back, Alan.
(# THE KINKS: Sunny Afternoon) Ripped By mstoll The taxman's taken all my dough #And left me in my stately home Lazing on a sunny afternoon #And I can't sail my yacht He's taken everything I've got All I've got's this sunny afternoon Save me Save me, save me From this squeeze