Brickleberry s01e04 Episode Script

Native American news, your source for news on and off the reservation.
How.
Bad news today.
Casino profits down.
Liquor prices up.
Offensive Native American stereotypes at all-time high.
- Now for weather.
- Look like sun.
Make that rain.
Now, for feel good news, go to paleface reporter.
How, Chief.
I'm live here at Yellowstone National Park, where a rare white buffalo was born this morning.
Tourists are pouring in to see the adorable animal.
This is just another example of why Yellowstone is our country's greatest National Park.
Son of a bitch! Hell yeah! (Bleep) Technology! Ha ha! Brickleberry Yellowstone! Yellowstone! Humph! They've got a cute animal.
They didn't have 25 campers die in their Park this month.
Blah blah blah.
We shouldn't worry about Yellowstone.
We could just make some improvements.
Here's one.
We are done playing second fiddle to that bastard Yellowstone! Aw, Malloy, if you'd only wear your little birthday present, I'll bet tourists would flock to see you too.
I bet you'd like to see my tight ass in that, you creepy pervert.
Fine.
Do you know what we're gonna do? Drown a homeless man? No, we're gonna find something even more adorable than their shitty white buffalo.
We shouldn't exploit animals for monetary gain just because Yellowstone is.
I agree with Ethel.
So, who's gonna find me an animal these dopey tourists can't resist? Not me.
I hate animals.
To be fair, most animals hate black people.
And Mexicans.
Ooh, I would like to volunteer to find the cutest animal ever.
Shit.
Anybody else? Anybody? Okay, Steve, just don't screw it up.
Remember when you "volunteered" at the retirement home? I'll show Woody.
How hard could it be to find a cute animal? Let's see.
Ugly, fat, too ethnic.
Bingo.
Excuse me, folks.
Official Park business.
- Come here, you rascal.
- Oh! Excuse me, excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Oh! Get away from me! Sorry.
Almost got it.
Got it.
Luckily, it got caught in your panties.
You folks have a nice day.
Woody is going to love you.
This is the most adorable animal ever.
Aw, look at you.
- Aah! - Oh, my God, you are cute! Which is cuter? I don't know.
The tourists loved the squirrel.
The hiker, God rest her soul, loved the rabbit.
If only I could have both.
But how? That's it! You guys just need to (Bleep) each other.
Okay, enough foreplay.
Yes! Work it! Get in balls deep! Pound it! Pump it! All right, everybody, listen up.
I have an important announcement.
This box I hold before you contains the cutest animal on the planet.
It's half squirrel, half rabbit.
I call it the Squabbit.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! So cute, I can't take my eyes off him.
Have you ever seen a cuter animal? Look at that.
Oh, I just want to cuddle him.
It's not that cute.
It's got those Taylor Swift teeth.
How did you get a squirrel and a rabbit to mate? The same way you get laid.
I dressed the squirrel up like a whore.
- Dumb ass ho! - Shut your mouth, Denzel.
Listen, this whole thing seems very wrong, Steve.
She's got a point.
It's not natural.
It's like a freak of nature or something.
Nah, that one's too easy.
Woody, now I know what you're thinking, but please don't make a spectacle of this poor animal.
I would never do that.
Wow, 40 million views.
The Squabbit is the best idea I've ever had.
Well, actually, I kind of had the idea.
Oh, come on, Steve.
There's this new thing called modesty.
You should try it sometime.
Look, I get it.
You want to be a part of team Squabbit, well, I've got a special job for you.
Picking up Squabbit shit.
Oh, it's everywhere.
Check under the bed.
Some of it's mine, but most of it's his.
Hey, fella, who likes video games? Here, you can have Malloy's.
Gotta keep our new star happy and entertained.
What's that F.
U.
To God doing here? Who? Oh! He lives here.
Well, now you have a choice to make, because I'm not gonna sleep under the same roof as that thing.
Denzel, what the hell are you doing? I printed some Squabbit merchandise to make some extra money.
You can't sell that stuff! The Squabbit is the sole property of Brickleberry National Park.
What, you got child support payments or something? Man, that's racist.
As a matter of fact, I've been saving up for tickets to the symphony.
- Really? - Nah, I'm just messing with you.
I got child support payments.
Psst! Come here.
I'm the cute guy here.
What the You won this round, Squabbit.
Let's see how you handle "baked potato.
" I don't get it.
This worked on Woody's hamster.
Why won't you die? Huh.
It was that easy.
My Squabbit! What did you do? You killed my Squabbit! I did not mean to kill him that time.
Get out of my sight! You're dead to me, bear cub! Get out! Oh, God.
My little Squabbit.
Why? Why!? Answer me, God! Why? Why do bad things happen to good Squabbits? What the It's a miracle! Thanks, Jesus.
Oh! Baby Squabbits? The Lord taketh and then he giveth a shitload.
Hallelujah! So you woke up and there were six Squabbits? And this all started after Malloy cut the first one in half? - Exactly.
- Where's Malloy? Oh, he's like my dead wife.
In the woods somewhere.
What a rapid gestation period.
It must be their mutant DNA combin Deh-deh-deh! Science! Shut up! Ethel's right.
Aren't you concerned about how fast they're reproducing? Yeah, of course you agree with your girlfriend.
I'm not concerned at all.
More Squabbits, more tourists.
Mo tourists, mo money, right, Denzel? Where's Denzel? All right, which one you want? I got, "I heart Squabbits," "Squabbitude," "Rasta Squabbits," "Squabbit pissin' on a Jesus fish," "Squabbits (Bleep) longer".
What you want? I got it.
Oh, I'll take that one in white.
Denzel! Oh, shit! Aah! Yo, be cool.
It's my boss man.
Look, more Squabbits! We're gonna need extra crowd control for tomorrow.
Uh, that's cool, man.
Yeah, I was just about to give these folks a tour of, um That dirt road that's too small for cars.
You mean the hiking trail? Yeah, the hyper-sail.
Whatever.
Okay, get back to work then.
Ooh, don't worry.
I'll take care of that.
So, let's see, you owe me 10 for the shirt and 5 for the finger.
Who needs Woody? I can make it in the forest.
I'm a bear! Siri, I need to schedule a hot stone massage.
Hey there, brother bear.
Looks like I found myself a new friend.
New record.
Three seconds, and I already hate you.
Gosh, are you having a bad day or something? Does a bear shit in the woods? Yes, we do.
Huh.
I always thought that was just an expression.
I hope to God you guys have baby wipes.
Uh, no.
So you just use dry toilet paper? Now, what the heck is toilet paper? You are a nasty bastard.
Isn't it great? We're charging double for admission, and they're paying it! Stupid suckers! Woody, these Squabbits have eaten nearly all the vegetation in the Park.
- We have to get - Look at this.
- Oh, man, I sell those for ten.
- Ten? Overpopulation of one species is a problem, Woody.
Yeah, I know.
So is your camel toe.
I'm standing here with Woody Johnson, creator of the Squabbit.
As far as I'm concerned, there can never be too many Squabbits.
And I'd like you to make love to me, right now, on the air.
Well, all right.
Oh! What the You are the smartest man on Earth.
Here's $3 million in pennies.
And a Nobel Prize.
I know.
I'm great! See, Malloy? I was right, you were wrong.
Admit it.
Aah! Ow! Aah! Uh! I'm okay.
It was just another wet dream.
Aah! Ah! Uh! Listen up.
We've got too many goddamn Squabbits! The tourists can't even get in the gates.
Damn you, Steve, this was all your stupid idea! Thank you.
It's about time I got a little credit.
I am declaring open season on Squabbits! I want every poacher in the state here to shoot, stab, run over, decapitate, eat, kick, or fist those little bastards.
Or we could just relocate them.
We're gonna relocate 'em, all right.
To hell! Everybody grab some ammo.
It's killing time! Pssh, I'm great at killing time.
Hee hee.
- No, you can't just kill them.
- Yeah, Woody.
Spoken like a couple of dopey liberal broads.
I don't know what bleeds more Your hearts or your parts.
We have to stop that maniac.
How? He doesn't like to be bothered during killing time.
Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, it's your idea, so it It's gotta be good.
- You're pretty.
- What? I want to wear your ass like a fake beard.
- What? - Uh, nothing.
Who's ready for dinner? No way! Honey! Guys, I'm allergic to bees, and I didn't bring my Epi-pen.
Yummy to my bear tummy! You're having honey for dinner? It's a goddamn condiment! Wow, these things are hard to kill.
We'll see about that.
- Stop in the name of pita! - Oh, great, pita.
- Peta? - No, pita with an "I.
" It's a completely different organization.
I don't know what you heard, but we haven't harmed a single Squabbit.
What, you like the duds? I'll give you a good deal on one.
I knew it! We forbid you from harming one more Squabbit! And who's gonna stop us? You and a bunch of picketing pita pussies? Puhh! Commence operation Squabbit Storm.
You have a whole army? What do you think we spend our money on? Starving children? That would be a waste.
Now, just stay cool.
Nobody's gonna hurt any animals here.
Whew! It was just a cockroach.
Aah! No! Wait.
Who the hell was that guy? You have sinned against the animal kingdom, an act punishable by death.
We're Park rangers.
Everything we do at this Park is to keep animals safe.
Yeah! Get him! Bite that mother(Bleep)! Woo! I won! Give me my goddamn money.
This isn't that bad.
What is this? A beaver's asshole.
This is a low point.
Wow, thank you.
You saved my life.
I do not know how I could repa Hold on.
O-m-f-g.
I miss u.
Emoticon sad face.
I never r-o-t-f-l-m-f-a-o anymore.
I less-than sign three you.
If you want to make out, I'm gay if you are.
No! I mean, if you want to make up, I'm game if you are.
Goddamn auto correct! Okay, you lowlife humans! Prepare to meet your demise in the most unethical way possible.
Death by cosmetic testing! What are you gonna do, put makeup on us? - Oh, my God! - That was horrible! Everything's fuzzy.
Can you see? I can't feel my lips.
Oh, it stings.
Oh.
I didn't think it was that bad.
They shoved lipstick up my goddamn dick hole! Me too.
Normally I have to pay 50 bucks for that.
All right, it's time to finish you off.
I am honored to die to give you sustenance.
I still love you.
- Now it's our chance to get out of here! - Anyone know how to pick a lock? Allow me.
Ah-ah-ah.
We'll be safe up here.
Those stupid Squabbits can't climb.
What are they doing? Learning.
- Screw it.
- Connie, what are you doing? I thought you loved animals as much as I do! Uh, not really.
I thought it would make you go down on me.
Uh, I mean, like me.
We can talk about it later.
It didn't kill them! It didn't kill a single one of them! They're impenetrable from the outside.
Maybe we need to attack them from the inside.
Like feeding them poisoned food.
They ain't touching those dead bodies.
They only eat living things, like us.
Where are we gonna find a living thing so toxic, so vile, so afflicted by a disease, that it could wipe out an entire population? Hello! Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Pamela Anderson? - Jackpot! What's that skinny old man with the tit job doing here? Winnie the Pooh never had to deal with this bullshit.
You can do this.
You're a bear.
Just remember what those jamboree bumpkins taught you out in the woods.
Grrr-owwwwwl.
Okay, who ordered the hot stone massage? Thank you, Siri.
That will be $80.
So, how are we gonna trick her into feeding herself to the Squabbits? Can we get through one emergency where you guys don't put on a drag show? Malloy! Oh, sweet Dick Eisenhower! Thank God you're here, little buddy.
Okay, I'm ignoring Ziggy Stardust.
Somebody else want to tell me what's going on? I know it's crazy, but hear me out.
We have to kill Pam Anderson because I'm in.
Okay, we know she's infatuated with cute animals, but in order for this to work, we need something extraordinarily cute.
I've got an idea.
So cute! Need to hug.
Aah! Oh, Malloy, you did it! Yeah, we can't forget to thank Steve, the fat moron who made these things in the first place.
Steve, o-m-f-g! Congratulations, rangers.
Killin' time was a huge success.
All the Squabbits are dead.
Well, too bad we don't have an animal to attract tourists anymore.
Don't worry, Woody.
I've created a much safer animal.
I give you the wolverinigator.
Ow! - Ow! Oh! - Uh! - Don't move! - Aah! He smells fear! Aah!