Bruiser (2000) s01e04 Episode Script
Love golf
1 (Man) Uno, dos, tres, cuatro (# Jaunty tune) (Man thinks) Oh, my God.
I'm walking behind a really pretty girl.
She's gonna be worried.
She can probably hear my slightly weightier, masculine footsteps.
Maybe I should run and overtake her so she knows I'm not following her.
No, she'll think I'm running to attack her.
I'll slow down.
No, that'll spook her.
I'll stop altogether.
No, no, people'll think I'm lurking.
Oh, shit! hat will I do? I'm not a stalker! - (Clattering) - You all right? Yes, it's just this bollocking green stuff that they've stuck round the lawn.
They're bastards! It got caught round my foot.
- Shh! - Yes, I know! I am a burglar, you know.
I have done this before.
I know we're not supposed to disturb the bastards.
Right.
Now, the first thing to do is to get through the window without drawing attention to yourself or causing any injury.
So, we use this device to cut through the glass.
- Oh, shit! Aah! Bollocks! My hand! The noise! - Shh! Yes, I know! Right, you do it! You burgle the house, you bastard! - I'm bleeding and crap.
- No, please! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's not your fault, I should know better.
Right, well, let's just try and get this open, shall we? - Is there - (Alarm) An alarm? Do you think there's an alarm? Yes! I probably do! Shall we stay here now? Shall we get arrested? Shit! Bollocks! Arse! Wank! We've disturbed them now.
The cops are coming.
- (Dog barks) - Yes! There goes the bloody Doberman.
Right.
I've got the washing-up brush.
Run! Know why I do amateur gymnastics? Cos it's pussy on a stick.
The whole place is a hive of frenetic fleshy activity.
Roly-polies, shuttle runs, star jumps back flips and horse vaulting.
It's like a big sweaty slap.
It's like a cry for sex.
The girls like a man in an outfit that proves tight is right.
I like to put two medicine balls either side of me, stand bolt upright, and pretend I'm a penis.
The girls soon get the idea.
And it's back to the changing room for another strenuous workout, i.
e.
sex! For foreplay, I like a bit of playful towel-flicking.
It lets the ladies know you're there.
I often will ask a girl if she'd like to bed down in my hairy swamp.
The answer is always yes.
Then, it's just the unholy union of two natural beasts in sweaty congress, pressed against cold tiled floor.
It's usually over in minutes.
Join a gym.
Get fit.
Get laid.
Go figure! Now, then, miss.
Who do we think we are this morning? Nigel Ma Could you wind your window down, please? Who Who do we think we are this morning? Nigel Mansell? - What? - I said, "Who do we think we" Can you just step out of the car, please? Frisk her, Kevin.
Now, we don't normally frisk people when we stop them, but I thought I'd just buy us a few seconds so I can explain what we're doing.
- What's happened is, she's been - Finished, she's clean.
Right.
I haven't quite OK.
- Werewere you in a hurry, miss? - I was only doing 65.
No, no, I wasn't being sarcastic.
I wasI was just asking, are you in a hurry? Cos, you know, this tends to take some time.
You know, television.
Very slow process.
Don't worry.
We'll We'll do things to your face.
Now, what she's done is I don't mean we're gonna beat you up.
I mean, we'llwe'll pixels your face, we'll make your face squares.
What she's done is, she's Sorry, you didn't answer my question.
- Are you in a hurry? - Not especially, no.
Good.
Now, what she's done is Er, I'd betterI'd better explain her first.
To her.
Now, you've got this plank.
That plank, sticking out the back of your car.
(Mouths) And it could be causing a You are listening to me, aren't you? Cos it's you I'm talking to.
It could be causing all kinds of obstruct I mean, the main thing is, is it fixed? Kevin.
Kevin's gonna find out whether it's fixed.
- Because, you know, I've got my hands full.
- It's fixed.
Right, Kevin's fixed it.
No! Kevin says it's fixed.
Which is, ergood.
So, that's fine.
No! No, it isn't.
No.
I've ordered 20 MC2000s for the office.
- Fantastic.
- They're Disc Magazine's top tip.
- They're shite.
- What's so fantastic is that their performance is a total ROM/RAM inter The performance is fucking retarded.
And they've caught the boat intranet-wise.
- They're the best on the market.
- That is bollocks! - I beg your pardon? - MC2000s are total jism.
And I'm the poor gonad who's gonna have to sod about with them.
- What's wrong with them? - They're wank.
They'll shag your hardware.
Disc Magazine says they're superb.
Disc Magazine's for knobheads.
Those machines are offensively arse.
- I've ordered them now.
- Well, you're a tit.
Unorder them.
- I don't think I can.
- Then you're shafted.
They can't be that bad, can they? Erm Basically, your problem's the hardware.
I mean, I could bodge it with some motherboards, but it's gonna be shagged for a week.
- It's toss.
- Oh, God.
Will the whole system go down? - Pardon? - Will the whole system be shagged, or can you toss it off? Well, I can toss it off onto the server.
That should give you enough backup while I frig with the motherboards.
Oh, bless you.
You're an angel.
(Bell) Des Lynam? Have you seen that guy try and dig a bean trench? It's like watching gay sex.
I want Titchmarsh or nobody! OK, guys, the Alan Titchmarsh hour.
What's the angle? OK.
Gardener's World, in which Titchmarsh and other gardeners are spun round very quickly.
And Alan Titchmarsh is always the last one to be sick.
Well, Jo, before I hate it, let me tell you something.
This is my Love Golf and this is my Hate Golf.
This is the beautiful St Andrews Golf Course in Scotland, where I played a round with Nigel Mansell.
I love that golf course.
And this is Woodhall Spa Golf Course in Lincolnshire where I didn't play a round with anybody because the whole place is overrun with sheep! I hate that place! At the moment, you're Hate Golf, but take Alan out of the garden and put him behind the wheel of the car of his dreams, and who knows what might happen? Love Golf! Love Golf! OK.
Titchmarsh is behind the wheel of a Volvo 340 reviewing the country's Little Chefs.
It's called Titchy Chefs, and if we can find a Little Chef in a marsh, well, you're ahead of me.
- Where's the love interest? - There isn't one.
- Hate Golf! - It's Janine Krankie! She plays a madcap transvestite little chef.
I love that compassionate woman! - What happens next? - We don't know.
Are you twanging my dick, mister? Or an educational programme for the deaf.
A Titch In Sign Saves Mime.
Where Alan Titchmarsh teaches little deaf kids how to do sign language.
Does Alan know sign language? No, but neither do the deaf kids, they won't tell the difference.
That is one hell of a bad idea.
That's the worst idea since an idea James Garner told me at a party.
And that was really sloppily thought through.
Or how about Around The World in Eighty, where Alan Titchmarsh time-travels back to 1980 and wanders round the world in it humming to Kajagoogoo.
Love Golf! Where's the golf? Er The time machine is a huge golf ball, because you know how the inside of the TARDIS had those white round things that were like the inside of a golf ball, well This is the outside of a golf ball and the inside of a phone box! It's mad, it's like war.
Now you're talking.
Now you guys are really talking! Shall I tell you what you're talking? You're talking a bunch of shit! Now go out and write me a quiz about rhododendrons before I split my ring! Margaret? I need a new Hate Golf.
And don't tell me you don't know what I mean.
(Bicycle bell) God bless! So now, if Kevin turns sharply Not yet, Kevin.
If Kevin were to turn Right, do it now.
You see, he's knocked me.
You see, he's knock That's enough.
You see, he's knocked me with his protruding bottom.
- Now what - Excuse me.
Yeah, yeah, be with you in a minute, miss.
Now, what I'm saying is, there's no law against having a protruding - Bottom.
- Face.
Bottom! So that's fine.
But lest we should not forget the plank.
There's still this plank.
Now, then.
If Kevin's bottom is this plank with the car, is this here, is it, is this, and I wasI were, sorry, a children some ch If I were children, then that would be surreal.
No! That would be, you know, planks and children.
You know, doesn't go.
As it is, er, it was just, fortunately, Kevin's bottom and me.
So no harm done there.
What a happy ending.
Right.
It's all right.
The crap about VT viability is good shit, liked the case study.
- Cheers.
- Now, Alan.
Redo the toss about PCs.
I know it's wank, but if they want arse, let's give it to them.
- Which toss did you want me to rejig? - All that jizz on page 44.
Now, ermSue.
Basically, your strategies are a bit buggered.
Really? I don't see how.
Where's the problem, exactly? - It's bollocks.
- But I used the new MC2000.
The new MC2000 is a twat that only produces bollocks.
- Have I taught you nothing? - Shall I do it again? Yes.
And try to remember that most of the software in this building is cock.
So don't bring me pieces of arse and then complain you've been shat on by the system.
See you later.
Right, let's bodge this pisspot.
- Right, Steve, you paid last time.
- Yeah, I did.
So it's my turn.
Have whatever you want, my treat.
Really? Anything? - Absolutely.
- Brilliant.
So I could have the fresh mussels and the fillet steak and a big pudding? If that's what you want.
What if I was still hungry? Could I have another pudding and some cheese? - And a couple of coffees? - Well, I'd be surprised if you managed all that.
- The portions here are quite big.
- Yeah, but, in theory, you'd still pay for that? - If I was still hungry? - Erm, yeah.
I mean, there's no point at which you're gonna say, "No, you can't have that, I'm not buying you any more food, Steve"? You'd probably just bite your lip and hand over your credit card.
Yes, I suppose so.
Could I drink champagne all night? - Erm, whatever.
- Would you mind? - No.
- But would you mind? I said you can have whatever you like.
Be honest with me, Jill.
Be honest.
If I drank champagne on your money all night, you would mind.
Yes, I suppose I would.
Yeah.
But would you mind enough not to pay? Even though you mind, would you mind that much? No, I wouldn't refuse to pay.
Right.
So, if, then, I had the fresh mussels, the steak with diane sauce, the crème brûlée, plus another one, plus cheese, plus two, maybe three cappuccinos, and let's say, three bottles of Dom Perignon, that would come to about £200.
Agreed? Now, you said that I could have what I want.
What if I brought my sister? Would you have told her she had to pay for herself? - Probably not.
- No.
So if she has the same as me, then we're looking at at least £400, plus tip, let's say 450 quid.
- Right? - Yeah.
Right.
I'll have the soup and the change in cash, please.
(Bicycle bell) All the best! - So, what have you got for me? - Well, I think you'll like this.
Erm, it's the latest on the market.
But Ellis knows all the technical jargon, so, er, over to him.
Erm Right.
Basically, that's wank.
This PDC system is as shite as the next, but what it does do is make your data warehousing a piece of piss.
Right.
So how about the booting transfer? Is that up to scratch? No.
It's bollocks.
But you can bodge the shitter with Micropull and you're sorted.
It's still a twat, but it won't dick around with your existing software.
Right, so it's a twat, but a flexible twat? Yeah.
Does the job, if you don't mind fucking the chips.
Well, I'll fuck the chips.
Great.
Now, then, miss.
Excuse me, could you not listen to your wireless, please? - Thank you.
- (# Tinny music) Now, this isn't an official caution, er, so do what you like.
No, no, that's not it.
This is just an informal, friendly sort of, "Don't do that," sort of a caution.
- About what? - Oh, good question.
Erm Did you pay for this car? No, that's not it.
Kevin, did you take notes? - It was a plank.
- It was a plank, yeah.
So, the plank.
Plank, car, sticking out, doesn't go, children, protruding bottom, need I say more? Now, that was just an informal sort of caution, erm, after all, it was only a plank.
If it had been more specific, it would have been a more difficult problem to deal with, but as it was, we didn't have the time or the words to cope with the whole situation.
Thank you.
Safe driving.
- Wotcher! - Hiya! You're watching BBC Digital Active A-level Funsize, and this is the Geography Zone! Now, geography is quite a long word, and if you're studying A-level geography, you might even find spelling your subject a bit scary.
(Both) Oooooooh! Now, geography is about where things are and where, like, we are, and how things relate to each other and us.
But if you didn't already know that, then don't panic.
Hey, Andy, I think we've got our first fact.
Anyway, we're here in the countryside of the county of Shropshire, which is stuffed full of geography! Over there is a river! Rivers happen when it rains on a hill, and the water forms to make a river.
Like this one! Hey! Get off! There are fewer rivers in hot and dry countries such as Ethiopia, - the capital of which is Addis Ababa.
- Adidas? (Woman) So, let's review our funsize fact file for geography.
That's very important, especially in exams.
(Andy) Fact 2.
Rivers happen when it rains on a hill, and the water collects to make a river.
(Woman reads) (Both) Fact-tastic! - See you later! - See ya! No, I said don't go there.
Would you like a coffee? Why don't we go and have itsomewhere else? Great.
I'll get the bill.
Here it is! Good evening, miss.
- Can I have a word with you, Roger? - For God's sake, Sparky, not now.
But something terrible's happened.
I've gone blind, Roger.
Totally and utterly blind.
- Can't see a sausage.
- That's awful.
- Thank you for your concern, miss.
- Sorry.
What do you mean, you've gone blind? I think it was when we were playing Torches in the Dark.
You shone your secret-agent torch with the green filter in my eyes.
And since then, everything's been getting fainter and fainter.
- Roger, how could you? - Er You'll have to look after me for evermore, Roger.
There'll be no room for anyone else in your life.
Not now! - Not now I'm blind.
- Maybe you're just dazzled, temporarily.
Dr Twinky said that being blinded can cause you to go deaf as well.
"Dr Twinky says this.
Dr Twinky says that.
" You know what, I don't think Dr Twinky exists.
I think you just use him as an excuse to make up ridiculous stories to ruin my life.
I don't think Hello, Dr Twinky.
I don't believe it.
Did someone mention my name thrice? Erm, Roger, maybe coffee another time.
- No, no, don't go.
- I could, of course, spare you, Roger, and spirit Sparky away to the Puppet Home for the Deaf-Blind.
I just need to hear you say you love me one more time, ere I go, Roger.
- You what? - Close your eyes and imagine us playing Mousetrap in the garden for the last time.
Then say it.
Say you love me.
I love you, Sparky.
Look, I think I'm just getting in the way.
Amanda! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Had you going there, you big tit! You're as gullible as he said you were.
Sparky! Twinky! You colossal pranny! Ooh! Ow! So, Pauline.
Sell yourself.
I can work with BASIC Java, Perl, Python - Hymen - Hymen's a heap of shit.
- It's quite good with graphics, though.
- It's not, though, is it? It's arse.
Now, is it arse because it frigs with your Tcl/Tk or is it arse because it buggers your F: drives? - Er - Come on.
We know it's wank, so let's isolate the wanky components.
Is it that the language composition is a bit - Bollocks? - Yeah, a bit bollocks.
Yeah, exactly.
So if you had to piss about with it, how would you bodge the bitch? - You could move the loop to A:? - Good, the loop's a prick.
- Move it.
- Convert to Perl.
Yeah, excellent, Perl's a piece of raw piss.
And then frig with the prick till it's done.
Welcome aboard.
- (Bicycle bell) - Good luck, lad! (Man) ErI've got a bit of an announcement, actually.
I'm quite glad we've got the cameras here.
Cos over the last few weeks, I've become convinced, well, in fact I know, someone is definitely trying to kill me.
Oh, here we go.
He does this.
Every Well, last time, we was on holiday, and he starts going on about how this German is stalking him.
He was stalking me.
I looked into his eyes and I saw murder.
Some people have it in them to kill a man, and I was Well, he was that man.
- But I was the man he had it in him to kill.
- He did not have it in him.
- He did have it in him.
- He did not have it in him.
He was a German on holiday.
You accused him of stealing your towel, - so he punched you in the face.
- He was a murderer.
Then you were frightened of him, so you go on about him trying - He was a murderer.
- He was not a murderer.
Never mind him, because I don't think it's him this time.
- Oh, really? Who is it this time, then? - Well, I don't like to point the finger Well, erm In fact, I know it's Chris.
Chris? What, Chris Bakewell, your mate? My mate once.
He's trying to kill me now, I've gone off him.
(Bell) - Do you do poison? - Er, no, sir, just shit.
This is Skegness.
Don't I know it.
Do you do dinghies? Very small ones, ones too small for a grown woman? Ones in the shape of a duck that can't swim? Erm I think this might be what you're looking for.
- Has it got a puncture repair kit? - Yeah.
It's attached.
- Good.
Do you do sharks? - I'm sorry, sir? - I mean, do you do seafood? - Erm, yes.
Big seafood with teeth that like dinghies? I don't think so, but there's some pretty big fish up at the aquarium.
- Do they do lobsters with guns? - I'm sorry? Have they got jellyfish that looks like jelly and you eat it, but die of sting? - I don't think so.
- How long's the pier? Er 120 metres exactly.
Have you got a guidebook that says it's 121 metres that's so engrossing you don't look where you're going - when you're reading it? - Erm, no.
Do you do donkey rides on a lion? A lion that might want to eat a person? - A person that looked like this? - But why What are you saying? I'm saying I want to eat her up.
We're very much in love.
- I'm going to go and bury her in the sand.
- Oh.
That's nice.
- Have you got a digger? - Erm, no.
How competitive is the sand castle competition? - Is it so competitive you could die of stress? - Er, I don't think so.
The bouncy castle? Could you bounce so high you'd go into orbit and asphyxiate in the vacuum? Erm Well - When's high tide? - Er, 11 o'clock.
How high is high tide? Could it get so high that it flooded your hotel room while you're painting your fucking toenails again? - Erm, only in winter.
- Is it safe to swim in the harbour? - Not at the moment.
- You star.
(Door slams) You all right, darling? All right, I'll see you later.
Bye.
- Who was that? - It was Chris.
- Did he say he's trying to kill me? - Yeah See? Told you he's trying to kill me.
He's not trying very hard.
I mean, what's he done about it exactly? - What attempts has he made on your life? - He came at me with awith a flag.
- With a what? - A flag.
Yeah, he came at me with a flag.
Tried to smother me, but it was sloppy, I managed to get away.
Yeah.
He hadn't thought it through.
But he'll be back.
He won't make the same mistake again.
This time he'll have a plan.
- A flag.
- Yeah.
- Why a flag? - First thing that came to hand, I suppose.
He prob I don't know, I didn't ask him.
- Look, he's the psycho, not me.
- Well, what country's flag was it? - England.
Britain.
- Well, Union Jack or St George's cross? I don't know What does it Look, never mind the flag.
I wish I'd never mentioned the fucking flag.
The point is, he's trying to kill me.
I just don't see why he'd come at you with a flag, that's all.
And then there was Kevin Costner in the bathroom! Really? Oh, heady days.
Cos you started acting early on, didn't you? You were a prodigy.
Well, of course, my mother was an actress.
Of course.
She had her ups and downs as well, didn't she? Well, I think everybody knows that my mom fought a long dependency against alcohol, but she tragically finally lost when I was nine.
And you very much picked up the baton from her, didn't you, Tash? - Well, that's - Let's talk about your early childhood.
Your father was a big producer.
Your mother, as you said with such dignity, was an alky.
In fact, she drank so much, you must have been born pissed! (Giggles) Well, they did say that when my mom used to feed me, she didn't know which bottle to pick up.
(Laughs) Oh, were you bottle-fed? Yes, that was probably safer.
She must have had tits like optics.
But it's great that you can laugh about it now, though.
Now, your first big film break came at the grand old age of five.
Honestly.
And it was a huge hit, as we know.
What was that like? Was it exciting? Or did you go a bit mental? Or perhaps a combination of the two? Well, I think that it was a lot for a five-year-old to take in.
And you did take in a lot, didn't you, Tash? You first checked into a clinic at the age of seven.
Now, I've been doing a bit of maths.
So, you're an alcoholic at seven, so you must have been a heavy drinker when you were six, so even when you were five you must have been on for a pint.
I mean, how does that work? How did you get served? - Sorry, is this interview just gonna be - Oh, Christ, I've gone too far, haven't I? Oh, shit.
You're offended.
I've blown it.
No, it's OK, it's just that, you know, I'm not proud of who I was then, you know, what with the booze and the drugs.
Oh, yes, the drugs.
Drugs, they're worse, if anything, aren't they? But there must be an upside, surely, otherwise you wouldn't do it, would you? I mean, there was all this booze and drugs and parties and films and stars and sex, presumably, because you're quite a looker, even now.
There you were, kicking your shoes off on a bar table, and the men were forming an orderly queue.
- How dare you? - Oh, God, I've really done it this time.
- Uh! Damn right! - Oh, I see what you've read into it.
Please don't go, Tash.
I need this interview.
Kevin Spacey chased me off with a hose.
Thanks, Tash.
Thanks for calming down.
You're such a professional.
No, all I was getting at is that it must have been a very wild time.
What was the wildest thing you did? Was it that thing with Telly Savalas and a Twix? - (Bicycle bell) - I like you! All right, it wasn't a flag.
It was a knife.
- He come at me with a knife.
- Why did you say it was a flag? I don't know I was trying to protect you, I suppose.
Better call the police, then.
If he's come at you with a knife, - he's obviously off his rocker.
- He is, he's trying to kill me.
- I'll ring the police, then.
- No, don't.
I don't think it's a police matter.
What do you mean? He's just told me he's come at him with a knife, - then he says it's not a police matter.
- It's personal.
It's a man thing, you wouldn't understand.
You didn't tell Chris to tell me that he was trying to kill you, did you? No, of course not.
- (Doorbell) - That'll be Chris, come to kill me.
I hope he's brought his flag.
I'm standing here on the set of Green And Pleasant with a woman who is not only a Jewess, but also an actress.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, let me check I've got this straight.
You'reyou're Jewish, but you're not playing a comedy role in this drama? - I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about - Yeah, about you.
Oh, you fascinate me.
So have you never done comedy? - Not really.
- Oh, but surely you're witty.
- No.
- So you're Maureen Lipman, but serious.
Oh, do you know her? Did you ever meet her at temple? - I'm not religious.
- Oh, but you're clever, right? I mean, you just don't choose to use it as a weapon like we do.
I mean, forget Roseanne Barr and Joan Rivers, a serious Jewish actress.
I like that.
In this country, there are many serious Jewish actresses.
Like Rachel here, and Miriam Margolyes.
Oh, do you know her? Oh, do you know Miriam Stoppard? - No.
- Oh, come on! How many Miriams do you know? You must know thousands! - Well, actually, my mother is called Miriam.
- Of course she is! A large, serious Jewish mother with a serious actress for a daughter! Oh, she must have thrown her hands up in horror when you told her you weren't gonna be a comedienne.
- She was very supportive.
- Oh, how sobering for us Yankees.
In this country, serious acting is a good move for a Jewess.
That's food for thought.
And I'm Sasha Solomon.
Oh, do you know Vanessa Feltz? Now, you see, she thinks she's funny, but she's not.
(Whistles) Aaah! Aaaaargh! Aaaah.
Hello.
Welcome to Outdoor Wee, where I'm already in mid-outdoor wee with retired cricket umpire, Harry Dicky.
And here we are in Harry's local garden centre.
- Harry, hi.
- Hello to you, Keith.
Now, Harry, tell me, are you a keen gardener? Oh, very much so, yes.
Obviously, when you retire, you've got a bit more time on your hands, so now I get the chance to tidy up the garden a bit.
- Do a bit of planting.
- Uh-huh.
I see.
Tell me, how many Test matches did you actually umpire for in the end? Because I think it's a bit of a record, isn't it? Certainly is, yes.
Er Well, over 28 years, it came to, er 131, not counting one-dayers or Sorry, Keith, I seem to be getting a bit carried away.
Right, well, we'll, erwe'll leave you to it, Harry.
Er, well, that's the last in the current series of Outdoor Wee.
- Oh! - But we'll be back next year Oh, come on.
Come on.
- having an outdoor wee - Nearly hit a century.
Come on.
Oh, win me Ashes.
Come on.
- with the likes of Ian McKellen - Couple more.
Oh, you know I like that.
- and Chris de Burgh.
- Come on.
Knock me bails.
- Till then Cheers.
- Oh, you bastard.
(Grunting) Howzat! You see, and that is the reason we're in exactly the same position we were in 30 years ago.
Yeah.
Well, I take your point, but can I just play devil's advocate for a minute? Sure, yeah.
(Phone ringing)
I'm walking behind a really pretty girl.
She's gonna be worried.
She can probably hear my slightly weightier, masculine footsteps.
Maybe I should run and overtake her so she knows I'm not following her.
No, she'll think I'm running to attack her.
I'll slow down.
No, that'll spook her.
I'll stop altogether.
No, no, people'll think I'm lurking.
Oh, shit! hat will I do? I'm not a stalker! - (Clattering) - You all right? Yes, it's just this bollocking green stuff that they've stuck round the lawn.
They're bastards! It got caught round my foot.
- Shh! - Yes, I know! I am a burglar, you know.
I have done this before.
I know we're not supposed to disturb the bastards.
Right.
Now, the first thing to do is to get through the window without drawing attention to yourself or causing any injury.
So, we use this device to cut through the glass.
- Oh, shit! Aah! Bollocks! My hand! The noise! - Shh! Yes, I know! Right, you do it! You burgle the house, you bastard! - I'm bleeding and crap.
- No, please! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
It's not your fault, I should know better.
Right, well, let's just try and get this open, shall we? - Is there - (Alarm) An alarm? Do you think there's an alarm? Yes! I probably do! Shall we stay here now? Shall we get arrested? Shit! Bollocks! Arse! Wank! We've disturbed them now.
The cops are coming.
- (Dog barks) - Yes! There goes the bloody Doberman.
Right.
I've got the washing-up brush.
Run! Know why I do amateur gymnastics? Cos it's pussy on a stick.
The whole place is a hive of frenetic fleshy activity.
Roly-polies, shuttle runs, star jumps back flips and horse vaulting.
It's like a big sweaty slap.
It's like a cry for sex.
The girls like a man in an outfit that proves tight is right.
I like to put two medicine balls either side of me, stand bolt upright, and pretend I'm a penis.
The girls soon get the idea.
And it's back to the changing room for another strenuous workout, i.
e.
sex! For foreplay, I like a bit of playful towel-flicking.
It lets the ladies know you're there.
I often will ask a girl if she'd like to bed down in my hairy swamp.
The answer is always yes.
Then, it's just the unholy union of two natural beasts in sweaty congress, pressed against cold tiled floor.
It's usually over in minutes.
Join a gym.
Get fit.
Get laid.
Go figure! Now, then, miss.
Who do we think we are this morning? Nigel Ma Could you wind your window down, please? Who Who do we think we are this morning? Nigel Mansell? - What? - I said, "Who do we think we" Can you just step out of the car, please? Frisk her, Kevin.
Now, we don't normally frisk people when we stop them, but I thought I'd just buy us a few seconds so I can explain what we're doing.
- What's happened is, she's been - Finished, she's clean.
Right.
I haven't quite OK.
- Werewere you in a hurry, miss? - I was only doing 65.
No, no, I wasn't being sarcastic.
I wasI was just asking, are you in a hurry? Cos, you know, this tends to take some time.
You know, television.
Very slow process.
Don't worry.
We'll We'll do things to your face.
Now, what she's done is I don't mean we're gonna beat you up.
I mean, we'llwe'll pixels your face, we'll make your face squares.
What she's done is, she's Sorry, you didn't answer my question.
- Are you in a hurry? - Not especially, no.
Good.
Now, what she's done is Er, I'd betterI'd better explain her first.
To her.
Now, you've got this plank.
That plank, sticking out the back of your car.
(Mouths) And it could be causing a You are listening to me, aren't you? Cos it's you I'm talking to.
It could be causing all kinds of obstruct I mean, the main thing is, is it fixed? Kevin.
Kevin's gonna find out whether it's fixed.
- Because, you know, I've got my hands full.
- It's fixed.
Right, Kevin's fixed it.
No! Kevin says it's fixed.
Which is, ergood.
So, that's fine.
No! No, it isn't.
No.
I've ordered 20 MC2000s for the office.
- Fantastic.
- They're Disc Magazine's top tip.
- They're shite.
- What's so fantastic is that their performance is a total ROM/RAM inter The performance is fucking retarded.
And they've caught the boat intranet-wise.
- They're the best on the market.
- That is bollocks! - I beg your pardon? - MC2000s are total jism.
And I'm the poor gonad who's gonna have to sod about with them.
- What's wrong with them? - They're wank.
They'll shag your hardware.
Disc Magazine says they're superb.
Disc Magazine's for knobheads.
Those machines are offensively arse.
- I've ordered them now.
- Well, you're a tit.
Unorder them.
- I don't think I can.
- Then you're shafted.
They can't be that bad, can they? Erm Basically, your problem's the hardware.
I mean, I could bodge it with some motherboards, but it's gonna be shagged for a week.
- It's toss.
- Oh, God.
Will the whole system go down? - Pardon? - Will the whole system be shagged, or can you toss it off? Well, I can toss it off onto the server.
That should give you enough backup while I frig with the motherboards.
Oh, bless you.
You're an angel.
(Bell) Des Lynam? Have you seen that guy try and dig a bean trench? It's like watching gay sex.
I want Titchmarsh or nobody! OK, guys, the Alan Titchmarsh hour.
What's the angle? OK.
Gardener's World, in which Titchmarsh and other gardeners are spun round very quickly.
And Alan Titchmarsh is always the last one to be sick.
Well, Jo, before I hate it, let me tell you something.
This is my Love Golf and this is my Hate Golf.
This is the beautiful St Andrews Golf Course in Scotland, where I played a round with Nigel Mansell.
I love that golf course.
And this is Woodhall Spa Golf Course in Lincolnshire where I didn't play a round with anybody because the whole place is overrun with sheep! I hate that place! At the moment, you're Hate Golf, but take Alan out of the garden and put him behind the wheel of the car of his dreams, and who knows what might happen? Love Golf! Love Golf! OK.
Titchmarsh is behind the wheel of a Volvo 340 reviewing the country's Little Chefs.
It's called Titchy Chefs, and if we can find a Little Chef in a marsh, well, you're ahead of me.
- Where's the love interest? - There isn't one.
- Hate Golf! - It's Janine Krankie! She plays a madcap transvestite little chef.
I love that compassionate woman! - What happens next? - We don't know.
Are you twanging my dick, mister? Or an educational programme for the deaf.
A Titch In Sign Saves Mime.
Where Alan Titchmarsh teaches little deaf kids how to do sign language.
Does Alan know sign language? No, but neither do the deaf kids, they won't tell the difference.
That is one hell of a bad idea.
That's the worst idea since an idea James Garner told me at a party.
And that was really sloppily thought through.
Or how about Around The World in Eighty, where Alan Titchmarsh time-travels back to 1980 and wanders round the world in it humming to Kajagoogoo.
Love Golf! Where's the golf? Er The time machine is a huge golf ball, because you know how the inside of the TARDIS had those white round things that were like the inside of a golf ball, well This is the outside of a golf ball and the inside of a phone box! It's mad, it's like war.
Now you're talking.
Now you guys are really talking! Shall I tell you what you're talking? You're talking a bunch of shit! Now go out and write me a quiz about rhododendrons before I split my ring! Margaret? I need a new Hate Golf.
And don't tell me you don't know what I mean.
(Bicycle bell) God bless! So now, if Kevin turns sharply Not yet, Kevin.
If Kevin were to turn Right, do it now.
You see, he's knocked me.
You see, he's knock That's enough.
You see, he's knocked me with his protruding bottom.
- Now what - Excuse me.
Yeah, yeah, be with you in a minute, miss.
Now, what I'm saying is, there's no law against having a protruding - Bottom.
- Face.
Bottom! So that's fine.
But lest we should not forget the plank.
There's still this plank.
Now, then.
If Kevin's bottom is this plank with the car, is this here, is it, is this, and I wasI were, sorry, a children some ch If I were children, then that would be surreal.
No! That would be, you know, planks and children.
You know, doesn't go.
As it is, er, it was just, fortunately, Kevin's bottom and me.
So no harm done there.
What a happy ending.
Right.
It's all right.
The crap about VT viability is good shit, liked the case study.
- Cheers.
- Now, Alan.
Redo the toss about PCs.
I know it's wank, but if they want arse, let's give it to them.
- Which toss did you want me to rejig? - All that jizz on page 44.
Now, ermSue.
Basically, your strategies are a bit buggered.
Really? I don't see how.
Where's the problem, exactly? - It's bollocks.
- But I used the new MC2000.
The new MC2000 is a twat that only produces bollocks.
- Have I taught you nothing? - Shall I do it again? Yes.
And try to remember that most of the software in this building is cock.
So don't bring me pieces of arse and then complain you've been shat on by the system.
See you later.
Right, let's bodge this pisspot.
- Right, Steve, you paid last time.
- Yeah, I did.
So it's my turn.
Have whatever you want, my treat.
Really? Anything? - Absolutely.
- Brilliant.
So I could have the fresh mussels and the fillet steak and a big pudding? If that's what you want.
What if I was still hungry? Could I have another pudding and some cheese? - And a couple of coffees? - Well, I'd be surprised if you managed all that.
- The portions here are quite big.
- Yeah, but, in theory, you'd still pay for that? - If I was still hungry? - Erm, yeah.
I mean, there's no point at which you're gonna say, "No, you can't have that, I'm not buying you any more food, Steve"? You'd probably just bite your lip and hand over your credit card.
Yes, I suppose so.
Could I drink champagne all night? - Erm, whatever.
- Would you mind? - No.
- But would you mind? I said you can have whatever you like.
Be honest with me, Jill.
Be honest.
If I drank champagne on your money all night, you would mind.
Yes, I suppose I would.
Yeah.
But would you mind enough not to pay? Even though you mind, would you mind that much? No, I wouldn't refuse to pay.
Right.
So, if, then, I had the fresh mussels, the steak with diane sauce, the crème brûlée, plus another one, plus cheese, plus two, maybe three cappuccinos, and let's say, three bottles of Dom Perignon, that would come to about £200.
Agreed? Now, you said that I could have what I want.
What if I brought my sister? Would you have told her she had to pay for herself? - Probably not.
- No.
So if she has the same as me, then we're looking at at least £400, plus tip, let's say 450 quid.
- Right? - Yeah.
Right.
I'll have the soup and the change in cash, please.
(Bicycle bell) All the best! - So, what have you got for me? - Well, I think you'll like this.
Erm, it's the latest on the market.
But Ellis knows all the technical jargon, so, er, over to him.
Erm Right.
Basically, that's wank.
This PDC system is as shite as the next, but what it does do is make your data warehousing a piece of piss.
Right.
So how about the booting transfer? Is that up to scratch? No.
It's bollocks.
But you can bodge the shitter with Micropull and you're sorted.
It's still a twat, but it won't dick around with your existing software.
Right, so it's a twat, but a flexible twat? Yeah.
Does the job, if you don't mind fucking the chips.
Well, I'll fuck the chips.
Great.
Now, then, miss.
Excuse me, could you not listen to your wireless, please? - Thank you.
- (# Tinny music) Now, this isn't an official caution, er, so do what you like.
No, no, that's not it.
This is just an informal, friendly sort of, "Don't do that," sort of a caution.
- About what? - Oh, good question.
Erm Did you pay for this car? No, that's not it.
Kevin, did you take notes? - It was a plank.
- It was a plank, yeah.
So, the plank.
Plank, car, sticking out, doesn't go, children, protruding bottom, need I say more? Now, that was just an informal sort of caution, erm, after all, it was only a plank.
If it had been more specific, it would have been a more difficult problem to deal with, but as it was, we didn't have the time or the words to cope with the whole situation.
Thank you.
Safe driving.
- Wotcher! - Hiya! You're watching BBC Digital Active A-level Funsize, and this is the Geography Zone! Now, geography is quite a long word, and if you're studying A-level geography, you might even find spelling your subject a bit scary.
(Both) Oooooooh! Now, geography is about where things are and where, like, we are, and how things relate to each other and us.
But if you didn't already know that, then don't panic.
Hey, Andy, I think we've got our first fact.
Anyway, we're here in the countryside of the county of Shropshire, which is stuffed full of geography! Over there is a river! Rivers happen when it rains on a hill, and the water forms to make a river.
Like this one! Hey! Get off! There are fewer rivers in hot and dry countries such as Ethiopia, - the capital of which is Addis Ababa.
- Adidas? (Woman) So, let's review our funsize fact file for geography.
That's very important, especially in exams.
(Andy) Fact 2.
Rivers happen when it rains on a hill, and the water collects to make a river.
(Woman reads) (Both) Fact-tastic! - See you later! - See ya! No, I said don't go there.
Would you like a coffee? Why don't we go and have itsomewhere else? Great.
I'll get the bill.
Here it is! Good evening, miss.
- Can I have a word with you, Roger? - For God's sake, Sparky, not now.
But something terrible's happened.
I've gone blind, Roger.
Totally and utterly blind.
- Can't see a sausage.
- That's awful.
- Thank you for your concern, miss.
- Sorry.
What do you mean, you've gone blind? I think it was when we were playing Torches in the Dark.
You shone your secret-agent torch with the green filter in my eyes.
And since then, everything's been getting fainter and fainter.
- Roger, how could you? - Er You'll have to look after me for evermore, Roger.
There'll be no room for anyone else in your life.
Not now! - Not now I'm blind.
- Maybe you're just dazzled, temporarily.
Dr Twinky said that being blinded can cause you to go deaf as well.
"Dr Twinky says this.
Dr Twinky says that.
" You know what, I don't think Dr Twinky exists.
I think you just use him as an excuse to make up ridiculous stories to ruin my life.
I don't think Hello, Dr Twinky.
I don't believe it.
Did someone mention my name thrice? Erm, Roger, maybe coffee another time.
- No, no, don't go.
- I could, of course, spare you, Roger, and spirit Sparky away to the Puppet Home for the Deaf-Blind.
I just need to hear you say you love me one more time, ere I go, Roger.
- You what? - Close your eyes and imagine us playing Mousetrap in the garden for the last time.
Then say it.
Say you love me.
I love you, Sparky.
Look, I think I'm just getting in the way.
Amanda! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Had you going there, you big tit! You're as gullible as he said you were.
Sparky! Twinky! You colossal pranny! Ooh! Ow! So, Pauline.
Sell yourself.
I can work with BASIC Java, Perl, Python - Hymen - Hymen's a heap of shit.
- It's quite good with graphics, though.
- It's not, though, is it? It's arse.
Now, is it arse because it frigs with your Tcl/Tk or is it arse because it buggers your F: drives? - Er - Come on.
We know it's wank, so let's isolate the wanky components.
Is it that the language composition is a bit - Bollocks? - Yeah, a bit bollocks.
Yeah, exactly.
So if you had to piss about with it, how would you bodge the bitch? - You could move the loop to A:? - Good, the loop's a prick.
- Move it.
- Convert to Perl.
Yeah, excellent, Perl's a piece of raw piss.
And then frig with the prick till it's done.
Welcome aboard.
- (Bicycle bell) - Good luck, lad! (Man) ErI've got a bit of an announcement, actually.
I'm quite glad we've got the cameras here.
Cos over the last few weeks, I've become convinced, well, in fact I know, someone is definitely trying to kill me.
Oh, here we go.
He does this.
Every Well, last time, we was on holiday, and he starts going on about how this German is stalking him.
He was stalking me.
I looked into his eyes and I saw murder.
Some people have it in them to kill a man, and I was Well, he was that man.
- But I was the man he had it in him to kill.
- He did not have it in him.
- He did have it in him.
- He did not have it in him.
He was a German on holiday.
You accused him of stealing your towel, - so he punched you in the face.
- He was a murderer.
Then you were frightened of him, so you go on about him trying - He was a murderer.
- He was not a murderer.
Never mind him, because I don't think it's him this time.
- Oh, really? Who is it this time, then? - Well, I don't like to point the finger Well, erm In fact, I know it's Chris.
Chris? What, Chris Bakewell, your mate? My mate once.
He's trying to kill me now, I've gone off him.
(Bell) - Do you do poison? - Er, no, sir, just shit.
This is Skegness.
Don't I know it.
Do you do dinghies? Very small ones, ones too small for a grown woman? Ones in the shape of a duck that can't swim? Erm I think this might be what you're looking for.
- Has it got a puncture repair kit? - Yeah.
It's attached.
- Good.
Do you do sharks? - I'm sorry, sir? - I mean, do you do seafood? - Erm, yes.
Big seafood with teeth that like dinghies? I don't think so, but there's some pretty big fish up at the aquarium.
- Do they do lobsters with guns? - I'm sorry? Have they got jellyfish that looks like jelly and you eat it, but die of sting? - I don't think so.
- How long's the pier? Er 120 metres exactly.
Have you got a guidebook that says it's 121 metres that's so engrossing you don't look where you're going - when you're reading it? - Erm, no.
Do you do donkey rides on a lion? A lion that might want to eat a person? - A person that looked like this? - But why What are you saying? I'm saying I want to eat her up.
We're very much in love.
- I'm going to go and bury her in the sand.
- Oh.
That's nice.
- Have you got a digger? - Erm, no.
How competitive is the sand castle competition? - Is it so competitive you could die of stress? - Er, I don't think so.
The bouncy castle? Could you bounce so high you'd go into orbit and asphyxiate in the vacuum? Erm Well - When's high tide? - Er, 11 o'clock.
How high is high tide? Could it get so high that it flooded your hotel room while you're painting your fucking toenails again? - Erm, only in winter.
- Is it safe to swim in the harbour? - Not at the moment.
- You star.
(Door slams) You all right, darling? All right, I'll see you later.
Bye.
- Who was that? - It was Chris.
- Did he say he's trying to kill me? - Yeah See? Told you he's trying to kill me.
He's not trying very hard.
I mean, what's he done about it exactly? - What attempts has he made on your life? - He came at me with awith a flag.
- With a what? - A flag.
Yeah, he came at me with a flag.
Tried to smother me, but it was sloppy, I managed to get away.
Yeah.
He hadn't thought it through.
But he'll be back.
He won't make the same mistake again.
This time he'll have a plan.
- A flag.
- Yeah.
- Why a flag? - First thing that came to hand, I suppose.
He prob I don't know, I didn't ask him.
- Look, he's the psycho, not me.
- Well, what country's flag was it? - England.
Britain.
- Well, Union Jack or St George's cross? I don't know What does it Look, never mind the flag.
I wish I'd never mentioned the fucking flag.
The point is, he's trying to kill me.
I just don't see why he'd come at you with a flag, that's all.
And then there was Kevin Costner in the bathroom! Really? Oh, heady days.
Cos you started acting early on, didn't you? You were a prodigy.
Well, of course, my mother was an actress.
Of course.
She had her ups and downs as well, didn't she? Well, I think everybody knows that my mom fought a long dependency against alcohol, but she tragically finally lost when I was nine.
And you very much picked up the baton from her, didn't you, Tash? - Well, that's - Let's talk about your early childhood.
Your father was a big producer.
Your mother, as you said with such dignity, was an alky.
In fact, she drank so much, you must have been born pissed! (Giggles) Well, they did say that when my mom used to feed me, she didn't know which bottle to pick up.
(Laughs) Oh, were you bottle-fed? Yes, that was probably safer.
She must have had tits like optics.
But it's great that you can laugh about it now, though.
Now, your first big film break came at the grand old age of five.
Honestly.
And it was a huge hit, as we know.
What was that like? Was it exciting? Or did you go a bit mental? Or perhaps a combination of the two? Well, I think that it was a lot for a five-year-old to take in.
And you did take in a lot, didn't you, Tash? You first checked into a clinic at the age of seven.
Now, I've been doing a bit of maths.
So, you're an alcoholic at seven, so you must have been a heavy drinker when you were six, so even when you were five you must have been on for a pint.
I mean, how does that work? How did you get served? - Sorry, is this interview just gonna be - Oh, Christ, I've gone too far, haven't I? Oh, shit.
You're offended.
I've blown it.
No, it's OK, it's just that, you know, I'm not proud of who I was then, you know, what with the booze and the drugs.
Oh, yes, the drugs.
Drugs, they're worse, if anything, aren't they? But there must be an upside, surely, otherwise you wouldn't do it, would you? I mean, there was all this booze and drugs and parties and films and stars and sex, presumably, because you're quite a looker, even now.
There you were, kicking your shoes off on a bar table, and the men were forming an orderly queue.
- How dare you? - Oh, God, I've really done it this time.
- Uh! Damn right! - Oh, I see what you've read into it.
Please don't go, Tash.
I need this interview.
Kevin Spacey chased me off with a hose.
Thanks, Tash.
Thanks for calming down.
You're such a professional.
No, all I was getting at is that it must have been a very wild time.
What was the wildest thing you did? Was it that thing with Telly Savalas and a Twix? - (Bicycle bell) - I like you! All right, it wasn't a flag.
It was a knife.
- He come at me with a knife.
- Why did you say it was a flag? I don't know I was trying to protect you, I suppose.
Better call the police, then.
If he's come at you with a knife, - he's obviously off his rocker.
- He is, he's trying to kill me.
- I'll ring the police, then.
- No, don't.
I don't think it's a police matter.
What do you mean? He's just told me he's come at him with a knife, - then he says it's not a police matter.
- It's personal.
It's a man thing, you wouldn't understand.
You didn't tell Chris to tell me that he was trying to kill you, did you? No, of course not.
- (Doorbell) - That'll be Chris, come to kill me.
I hope he's brought his flag.
I'm standing here on the set of Green And Pleasant with a woman who is not only a Jewess, but also an actress.
- Hi.
- Hi.
So, let me check I've got this straight.
You'reyou're Jewish, but you're not playing a comedy role in this drama? - I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about - Yeah, about you.
Oh, you fascinate me.
So have you never done comedy? - Not really.
- Oh, but surely you're witty.
- No.
- So you're Maureen Lipman, but serious.
Oh, do you know her? Did you ever meet her at temple? - I'm not religious.
- Oh, but you're clever, right? I mean, you just don't choose to use it as a weapon like we do.
I mean, forget Roseanne Barr and Joan Rivers, a serious Jewish actress.
I like that.
In this country, there are many serious Jewish actresses.
Like Rachel here, and Miriam Margolyes.
Oh, do you know her? Oh, do you know Miriam Stoppard? - No.
- Oh, come on! How many Miriams do you know? You must know thousands! - Well, actually, my mother is called Miriam.
- Of course she is! A large, serious Jewish mother with a serious actress for a daughter! Oh, she must have thrown her hands up in horror when you told her you weren't gonna be a comedienne.
- She was very supportive.
- Oh, how sobering for us Yankees.
In this country, serious acting is a good move for a Jewess.
That's food for thought.
And I'm Sasha Solomon.
Oh, do you know Vanessa Feltz? Now, you see, she thinks she's funny, but she's not.
(Whistles) Aaah! Aaaaargh! Aaaah.
Hello.
Welcome to Outdoor Wee, where I'm already in mid-outdoor wee with retired cricket umpire, Harry Dicky.
And here we are in Harry's local garden centre.
- Harry, hi.
- Hello to you, Keith.
Now, Harry, tell me, are you a keen gardener? Oh, very much so, yes.
Obviously, when you retire, you've got a bit more time on your hands, so now I get the chance to tidy up the garden a bit.
- Do a bit of planting.
- Uh-huh.
I see.
Tell me, how many Test matches did you actually umpire for in the end? Because I think it's a bit of a record, isn't it? Certainly is, yes.
Er Well, over 28 years, it came to, er 131, not counting one-dayers or Sorry, Keith, I seem to be getting a bit carried away.
Right, well, we'll, erwe'll leave you to it, Harry.
Er, well, that's the last in the current series of Outdoor Wee.
- Oh! - But we'll be back next year Oh, come on.
Come on.
- having an outdoor wee - Nearly hit a century.
Come on.
Oh, win me Ashes.
Come on.
- with the likes of Ian McKellen - Couple more.
Oh, you know I like that.
- and Chris de Burgh.
- Come on.
Knock me bails.
- Till then Cheers.
- Oh, you bastard.
(Grunting) Howzat! You see, and that is the reason we're in exactly the same position we were in 30 years ago.
Yeah.
Well, I take your point, but can I just play devil's advocate for a minute? Sure, yeah.
(Phone ringing)