Bupkis (2023) s01e04 Episode Script
Crispytown
1
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
So they are pulling the offer
on "The Fast and the Furious."
What? Why?
Because you were
photographed doing whippets
at the White House
Correspondents Dinner.
It's on "Just Jared."
Dude, everyone there was drunk.
You're 29.
Who does whippets
outside of high school?
It was with the Avengers, okay?
Like two of 'em.
- Who?
- Cool ones.
Like from the first movie.
How do we fix this? Can
he do a charity event?
- Or
- [PETER SIGHS]
Do people know what
happened to his father?
On 9/11?
- Ma
- Look, Pete,
we just have to prove that
you can show up to a place on time,
do your job with zero catastrophes.
Yeah, guys, I'm not that bad.
You're treating me
like I'm an island boy.
Listen. We'll do whatever it takes.
Good.
Vin Diesel's daughter is a fan.
She's having a birthday
party on a yacht this weekend.
If you could perform
there on time and sober,
I think they'd reconsider.
Pete, I know you can do this.
It's a birthday party for a kid, guys.
I think I got this.
It's in Florida.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- What?
Oh, Florida is where
you were at your worst.
It's everything wrong
with you in one state.
Look. I'll be good, okay?
I'll get the movie, all right?
I'm glad to hear
that you are open to
making the right decision,
but I'm a bit concerned
because you're doing nitrous right now.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Just do the show
without attracting any
attention to yourself.
I don't want to see a
single paparazzi photo of you
acting stupid in Florida, okay?
Okay.
- Evan.
- Yeah?
I need you to put this on Pete.
Uh, what what is it?
It's a tracking device.
I need to know where he is
and what he's doing at all times.
I'm also sending Poppy
and Roy with you guys.
What? W-why?
There's some sandwich Poppy wants
one last time before he dies.
Is this is this really necessary?
This is Florida. We
cannot be too careful.
Okay.
[ENERGETIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
Ooh-ooh! ♪
♪
Gilly.
♪
Take it easy, bro. It's a rental.
Hey, who's all those friggin' guys?
- Those are the boys.
- Boys go everywhere with him.
Hey, Amy,
who's that supermodel
standing there with you?
Hey, Roy.
She knows my name. [LAUGHS]
- Yo.
- Yo, Petey.
Lotta ass out in Florida right now.
I'm checking my Bumble, dude.
I might have some fucking
pussy this weekend.
Also, you're in my profile picture,
so that's helping quite a bit.
I DM'd Chris Evans.
Dude, I told him I was with you guys,
and he was like, "Cool."
- Okay, everybody ready to go?
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER]
Roy are you sure you know
how to drive that thing?
Oh, I'll figure it out.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
♪
Sorry! I'll get someone to fix that.
Last call ♪
Ooh-ooh! ♪
- Last call ♪
- Ooh-ooh! ♪
Hey, Ma. What are you doing?
Pete and Poppy are on 95 right now.
They are going 12 miles
over the speed limit.
Okay, okay. This is disturbing, okay?
You need to stop stalking Pete
like the rest of the world.
What am I, chopped liver? Come on.
Let's go out. Let's do something.
What do you wanna do?
I wanna go out to dinner. Come on.
We should be taking advantage
of the fact that Pete's not here.
Enough. He's a grown man, okay?
So, uh, so, what what'd
you do before you retired?
I was in the export business.
- Negotiator-slash-courier.
- [CHUCKLES]
Kinda sounds like you were in the CIA.
Joe tell you that?
What?
Hey, no doobies in the fucking car.
I won't be able to breathe.
Fucking guys. Damn it.
No problem.
We don't got to get high to have fun.
- Right, boys?
- Right.
We just gonna watch TV
and eat these gummy bears.
You got gummy bears?
[SOFTLY] Crillz, mm-mm.
What?
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Have a little more, yeah.
- Way to go.
- Good?
- Yeah, tastes all right.
- Okay.
You might wanna take it easy on those.
He's gonna be in the
stratosphere, nigga.
So what do you guys do?
I love your grandson. That's what I do.
Yeah. Me, too.
- I also make acai bowls.
- I'd kill for him.
Where the fuck you find these assholes?
- Staten Island.
- Change my name,
- move to Michigan
- [NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Fuck, it's my agent.
[SIGHS]
What's up? You okay?
Someone's leaking shit.
It's the paparazzi again.
- Sounds like you got a rat.
- Really?
You think someone would rat on me?
Well, you surround yourself
with garbage, you attract rats.
Uh, no offense, guys.
Nah, I get it.
I don't.
Ugh, I'm getting tired over here.
I'll take a little nap.
Yo, those some badass glasses.
- You like 'em?
- Yeah.
- You wanna try 'em on?
- Fuck yeah.
There you go.
- How do I look?
- Yeah, you look good, my G.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [LAUGHTER]
Ah.
[LAUGHTER]
Good night, sweet prince.
[SMOOTH UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
I don't even think
she put our names down.
You know, let's just go to Danino's.
Let's go.
You know what? Fuck
this. We're getting in.
♪
Excuse me, sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
♪
Okay, that's great. Thank you.
She's giving us a table.
What did you do?
Told her Pete was coming.
Well, look at you.
Right this way, ladies.
I feel disgusting.
I'm not hungry anymore,
but I still need a drink.
[SIGHS]
Psst. Pete.
So I've got this movie idea
I been writing down in my notes.
Have you?
So we start off on a dark and rainy day.
There's a man in a ten-gallon hat,
smoking a cigarette.
He looks down and sees
his shoes are untied.
He ties his shoes and
then walks to the casino.
Is he gonna play blackjack?
Is he gonna put the
money back in his pocket
and go home to his wife?
Does he have a wife?
What the fuck are you talking about?
If you are telling me
that no one at work knows,
like, do they even know
that I'm your mother?
[LAUGHS] Yeah, announce
it to the whole hospital.
Oh, hey, my brother's really famous.
That's all you should talk to me about.
Oh, so you don't like all the attention?
No, I just like having
one place in the world
where I get to be
Casey, not Pete's sister.
I was on a date once,
and the guy was like,
"I'm so sorry for all that
your brother went through
when his dad died."
Who's the sensitive mystery man?
Okay, um, do you know what it's like
to have people constantly ask you
about your brother's dick?
So your friends are interested in him.
See? That's what he needs.
Like, a nice, normal, average girl.
- Like you!
- Average?
No. You know, I mean not
these starlets, you know,
that do yoga.
Okay, stop talking about Pete.
Which one are you?
I'm Dave.
Mr. Larocca said there
was something about me
he just didn't like,
so I have to stay up
here the rest of the trip.
Uh-huh.
Hi. I hope you're enjoying everything.
Yes.
Uh, but at this point,
your guest probably isn't arriving,
and we're gonna need this table.
I'm sorry, do you have
any idea who my son is?
Timothée Chalamet. Yeah.
We're the Chalamets!
And I I am Pete Davidson's mother.
I just told you I don't want
I am. That's his sister.
And you're not gonna
usher us out of here
like we're sort of normal people.
- All right?
- All right.
I'm the queen of Staten Island!
Okay, okay, come on.
Marisa Tomei played me in the movie!
[UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC]
♪
Touchdown, hand down ♪
So then he takes the
playing card out of his hat,
the Ace of Spades, and that's his name.
Ace fucking Spade.
You gotta work on that pitch.
It's just a lot of stage direction.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- The fuck?
Yo, how'd they know I'd be here?
I don't know. I-I used your
fake name, Tostito Jones.
They're probably here for me.
I just shot my second
episode of "Blue Bloods."
[CHUCKLES] Fame move fast.
It's your rat.
- Fuck.
- Fucking rat.
[SIGHS] Let's do this. Let's go.
Yeah, yeah.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- [GRUNTS] No more pictures!
- Oh, shit!
- What's going on?
- [SCREAMS]
- [CAMERA PARTS SHATTERING]
- Holy shit.
Hey, what's up, boys? Welcome to Miami!
305. That's the area code.
Y'all ready to get Crispy?
- Come on. Let's go.
- Welcome to Miami.
Who the fuck is that?
Hey, no pictures, no pictures!
Yeah, please. Don't do that.
I'ma take care of everything for you.
One second. I just gotta get the keys.
I already got it, boss.
Room 427, the Kid Rock suite.
Hold on. Do you work here?
Is that true? It's
called the Kid Rock Suite?
I mean, it's just the room that
me and Kid Rock did a bunch of coke
and made love to this woman
and it was mad romantic.
- I don't like this guy.
- Yeah?
Well, I don't like this guy, either.
[LAUGHS] Crispy!
Oh, I like those
glasses. Can I try 'em on?
No.
Come on, move your crunchy fucking ass.
Lady?
Oh, yeah. And by the
way, my name is Crispy.
I got all the best jewelry
in Southern Florida.
Hit me up. I'll hook you guys up.
Oh, my shit is way better
than Lou's Diamonds.
Lou's Diamonds can suck
my dick from the back.
Crispy!
This is fucking awesome!
That's what I'm talking about, dude!
These movies are fucking sick, man.
Vin Diesel is like Martin Scorsese.
The two share the same photo in my head.
How can you love this and not "Endgame"?
I mean, Doc Brown's
DeLorean makes more sense
than Dominic Toretto's Charger.
This is a dumb debate, okay?
Action beats sci-fi every time.
It's just mindless fun.
Like, that's the beauty of these movies.
You don't have to follow a story.
- There's no logic.
- That's right.
Just strap in, wait for 'splosions.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Yeah, I got a fucking hand job
to "The Fast and the Furious" once.
[SNORING]
[CHUCKLES AND SNORTS]
- Oh, hey!
- [GASPS]
Hey, I got locked out of my room.
- Can I use your shower?
- [GROANS] Yeah, dude.
Where the fuck did you go last night?
[CHUCKLES] Where, indeed.
[SOFTLY] Where, indeed.
The fuck happened to your face, dude?
See ya at breakfast.
[CHUCKLES] Classic Dave.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
This OJ is mad pulpy.
- Yeah. That's coffee.
- Thanks.
- I'll get the next one.
- Cool.
- [SIGHS]
- Hey! Morning! There he is!
What happened to your face?
I made it right.
What are you guys doing?
Roy's coming with the car
and we're gonna go have
the Cuban sandwiches.
You forgot?
Oh, we're gonna stop at Crispy's first.
We'll get, like, the sandwiches later.
You're gonna see that asshole?
Yeah, it'll be fun.
You don't even know the fucking guy.
Hey, Pete, I-I don't
think we have time.
He's, like, totally
in the wrong direction.
What are you talking about? We gotta go.
We gotta go to Crispy's.
We can't miss this party.
When a guy like that
walks into your life,
you kinda just gotta go along with it.
When in Rome, you do as the Romans do.
That was originally a threat.
Quando a Roma.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
All right, guys. Come on.
Hey. Listen to me.
Whatever happens to him, I do to you.
Y-you mean, like, only,
like, the bad stuff, right?
Yeah, just the bad stuff.
- You supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
- He supposed to -
Party like a mofo ♪
- She's supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
- We supposed to -
Party like a mofo ♪
- You supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
Looks pretty cool, huh?
- She's supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
Hey, let's just, like,
keep the car running.
Man, fuck you.
Pete, wouldn't it be
funny as, like, a bit,
you bought us these watches as a, like,
'cause they're so dumb?
I would get the dumbest one as a bit.
Hey, Pete. I think this is,
like, a really weird situation.
We're in a gas station
that sells necklaces.
Yeah, yeah, let's get
the fuck outta here.
Lock the fucking safe, Raoul! Ah!
Oh, shit! Pete, you made it!
Oh, baby, I knew you was a real one!
Take it in, baby. Crispy
Diamonds, world-famous.
I built this place with my bare hands.
Huh? It's crispy, right? Huh?
- Yeah, man.
- Let's get you hooked up.
Yeah, uh, we just, you
know, wanted to come by,
say hello, and check out the place.
It's real cool, but we gotta
get going for a gig, so
What do you mean? Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna drive all
the way out to see me
and not check out all the crispies?
You know I got the crispies.
Come on, you can't leave.
Just give me one more chance, all right?
Look, I got the Instagram wall.
You can take a picture in front
of the famous Instagram wall!
Sorry, man. We gotta go, but
You know what? You're right.
This place is a shithole.
I'm gonna take you to
someplace really crispy.
I got another place.
It's five minutes away.
We could get there in 20 minutes.
Just give me one second to
call my friend and hook it up.
Glenda, will you get 'em some tap water?
[SNAPING FINGERS] Glenda? Glenda?
She's in a K-hole! I'll be right back.
[UPBEAT MUSIC ON RADIO]
So we're, like, going to,
like, a second location?
Yeah. He said it's, like, extra crispy.
Yeah, welcome to the
Crispy compound, boys.
I rented this place out to
Diplo once for a foam party,
if you guys wanna watch
the Ring footage later.
- [CHUCKLING] Take it in, boys!
- Wow.
This place is sick, man. We
should've came here first.
- Make yourselves at home.
- Wow.
That that was, like, literally,
like, a two-hour
drive. We are so fucked.
Fuck.
Pete, you should buy this fucking moose.
I'm not selling a fucking thing!
- [SNORTING LAUGHTER]
- Dad, you're embarrassing me.
[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY] Crispy!
Your name is Ben!
Shh! Come on!
You and your friends
can take a look around.
Don't touch anything or you're dead.
Come on, Pete. I wanna
show you something.
Okay.
I'm so sorry. My dad's so embarrassing.
I don't even know if
he's my biological dad.
He raised me, but we
never really known if he
Hey, uh, Mr. Crispy, uh,
Pete's has to get to this
show before this boat leaves.
His career kind of depends on it.
Okay, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Are you, like, the manager
or the agent or something?
'Cause what the fuck do you
keep interrupting me for?
Seriously? I just need a
couple minutes with him.
Okay, look, I'm sorry, look.
Please, pretty please with sugar on top
just give me two seconds,
we'll be right back.
- That's all I need!
- We're almost done.
Okay? Just two minutes. Huh?
I care about stuff, Pete.
- That's cool, man.
- I care about stuff, Pete!
- [SIGHS] Sick, bro.
- Yeah, this this is so
I mean, look, you got the leather crisp,
the air conditioning gets extra crispy.
Of course, the GPS, in case
you wanna go to Crispytown.
Oh, fuck! The paps are back.
How do they keep finding
us? I don't get it.
Oh, shit.
Well, if you want, we could
get the fuck outta Dodge.
- That'd be great. How?
- In the Dodge.
[LAUGHING] Crispy!
[LAUGHS] Hey, fuck you, Dad!
[BOTH LAUGHING] [ENGINE REVVING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
What just happened?
You know what the fuck just happened.
What are you waiting for?
Get the fuck outta here!
[ENERGETIC SYNTH-DRIVEN MUSIC]
Go!
Go! [KEYS JINGLING]
- Let's go, baby.
- Let's ride.
- [KEYS JINGLE]
- Fuck it! Let's do this.
[THE POINTER SISTERS' "NEUTRON DANCE"]
Hey, what are we doing here?
Why are we doing this?
We're all chasing this guy?
For a picture? And this is the car?
Did you decide this?
I'm bigger than the car.
I don't want to take it anymore ♪
I'll just stay here
locked behind the door ♪
♪
Just no time to stop and get away ♪
'Cause I work so hard
to make it every day ♪
♪
Whoo-hoo ♪
We cooking today, boy!
Save this nigga, Pete!
Whoo-hoo ♪
♪
Oh, shit! They're following you?
- Fuck!
- "Page Six" and "Just Jared"!
You just keep driving,
and I'm gonna smoke these jive turkeys.
[CACKLES]
No, it's fine! They can
just take my picture!
Oh, no!
♪
[GUNFIRE AND RICOCHETS]
There's fucking guns! Crispy, no!
BOTH: Oh, shit!
- [GUNFIRE AND RICOCHETS]
- Keep it straight!
Don't do that! Please! Please!
The fucking pickles. That's the secret.
Unbelievable pickle. Watch. You'll see.
- Holy shit.
- Mm-hmm.
That's a pickle.
Oh, shit! They're
coming around that way!
[YELPS] He's gonna shoot!
He's shooting at us!
- Excuse me!
- Oh, no. God!
- Let me take care of this.
- [SCREAMS]
[GUNFIRE AND RICOCHETS]
♪
[SCREAMS] You fucking killed a guy!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
We are gonna be so
fucking late to the show!
I don't think the Cubans are known
for their cu-zeen,
I'll be honest with you.
For their what? Cu-zeen?
I don't the Cubans are
known for their food.
- You said cu-zeen.
- Cu-zeen. That's right.
- It's not coo-zeen?
- Okay, well
I'm not saying
[INDISTINCT] Maybe it's
It's cu-zeen.
It's coo-zine or cu-zine?
Cu-zeen.
Gilly, what the fuck
is going on back there?
That guy dead?
Guys, I'm gonna be honest with you.
This fucking sucks!
Evan, how you feeling
over there, huh? [LAUGHS]
Guys, this is not good!
Guys, what do we do?
How the fuck are we
talking to each other?
And it's hard to say ♪
Just how some things never change ♪
And it's hard to find ♪
Any strength to draw the line ♪
Oh, I'm just burning
doin' the neutron dance ♪
♪
Now it's time for the heavy artillery.
The Nick Cannon, baby!
- Watch your hair!
- Oh, what?
- Oh, fuck.
- What the fuck?
- [LAUGHS]
- No.
- The ultimate crispy!
- No!
Don't kill my friends!
Please don't kill my friends!
- What is that?
- BOTH: Bazooka!
[LAUGHS]
♪
♪
Oh, my God!
- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]
♪
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God. I think I
killed that crispy to death.
[LAUGHS]
Crispy! [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah!
- [INDISTINCT]
This is insane.
I can't believe this ended up being
kind of the coolest shit I've
ever seen in my life, dude.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Yeah, baby!
- [GUNSHOT]
Oh, fuck!
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
♪
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
♪
[RETCHING] Oh, fuck!
Fuck, did we just kill somebody?
[GROANS]
[COUGHS]
All right, motherfuckers.
It's been real.
If y'all ever in the 305
again, you know who to call,
but I change my number,
like, every two weeks,
so you can email me at
BenGluberman@2cmail.net.
Hot boy shit. [GIGGLES] Whoo! [SIGHS]
Crispy.
[ENGINE REVVING]
All right, we're shutting it down.
I'm getting sober now.
No more drugs.
[BIRDS SINGING]
You made back-to-school pancakes?
Mm-hmm.
I know it seems like I pay
so much more attention to Peter,
but honey, you are
always in my thoughts.
And so now, I'm gonna
make sure to show you that
- every single day.
- Okay.
I need you to tell me exactly what
you're talking about right now.
Oh, it's nothing for you to worry about.
It's all for the best.
So I'm just supposed to live in fear?
No, you can rest assured
that your mother is keeping
a watchful eye on you.
Do I have a transmitter
in my body right now?
Oh, please. That's ridiculous.
It's just your phone,
your car, and your key fob.
Point is, I'm now going
to interfere in your life
just as much as I interfere in Peter's.
So listen,
I went onto Instagram, and I found out
all the other people who
work at your hospital,
and I have identified your
handsomest supervisors.
No.
All right? Let's start with Patrick.
Married.
How 'bout Brian?
Oh, I see a pause there!
I know what I gotta do.
I gotta slide in some DMs.
Fuck.
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
I'm glad we made it,
but something's still
fucking pissing me off.
Like, how the fuck do
they keep finding us?
How do they all know our location?
Oh, shit. Uh, Pete, I
gotta tell you something.
Your mom has been
tracking your location.
- What?
- Whoa!
- Your mom's the rat, dude.
- You think?
Definitely, dude. He just said it.
- I don't know.
- My mom's a rat?
She's definitely the rat.
You guys don't think she
would do that to me, right?
We should kill her.
Peter.
Come on. I wanna talk to you a minute.
What's up, what's up?
You're gonna kill your mom?
Your mom is a fucking rat?
I don't know what to do.
Shut the fuck up.
What are you, fucking stupid?
Yes.
Yeah, I think so. I
wanna show you something.
Look at these pictures.
Every place we went,
the paparazzi were there.
Look at everybody's face,
how surprised and shocked we all were.
Not this big, fat
fuck. Look at this face.
He looks happy. What do you mean?
What's wrong with that?
"What's wrong with that?"
That's your fucking rat.
He's like he knew there
was gonna be paparazzi here.
He looks like he's ready to
walk the fucking red carpet
like he's gonna win a
fucking Emmy or something.
- Gilly's the rat.
- That's your fucking rat.
What do I do?
I can't take care of everything for you.
You just get rid of him. That's all.
Thanks, Pop. You're, uh
you're part of the crew now.
I don't want to be part of your crew.
Fuck your crew.
Just do this and take
care of your own shit.
All right.
[SIGHS] Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah.
Just, like, over there in private?
Yeah.
'Sup, dude?
"'Sup dude" me. I know it was you.
- Fuck. I didn't do anything.
- You sold me out.
- I didn't sell you out.
- Yeah, you did.
You sold me out. My Poppy
told me you sold me out.
You're gonna listen to that guy?
- Yeah!
- Why?
He's my fucking grandfather!
What the fuck is that, dude?
Why would he lie? What'd you do?
- I didn't do anything.
- Just tell me what you did!
All right.
There was a girl at the "Daily Mail."
Got a weird thing going.
I wanted fucking to
have sex with her, dude.
So I told her where you were a bunch.
That's what I'm worth? You
sold me out for a blow job?
It was head.
Do not let this ruin our
fucking future together, dude.
What?
You know what I'm talking about.
We started from the bottom,
dude, and now, we're
- we're here, we're here!
- No, we didn't!
I've known you for like three months!
I was pretty low, dude!
That was my bottom!
Dude, it's over.
Dude, don't fucking
tell anybody about this.
Don't tell Chris Evans.
Don't fucking touch your phone, dude.
Do not tell Chris Evans about this.
- I just told him.
- Chris!
Dude, it's over. Go home.
We're friends, dude.
We're, like, tight friends, dude.
It's not about friends,
it's about family.
You're not family. Now
get the fuck outta here.
[WIZ KHALIFA'S "SEE YOU AGAIN"]
[DELICATE PIANO MUSIC]
♪
It's been a long day ♪
Without you, my friend ♪
And I'll tell you all about
it when I see you again ♪
Shall we?
There you go. Thank you.
I'm proud of you, Peter.
I love you, Poppy.
Where's Gilly going?
- He lives in Miami now.
- Oh?
- He was the rat.
- Oh
Oh, oh ♪
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
♪
♪
Slap him in the face,
you weird, little man!
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[CHEERS] Yes! Yes!
Yeah, not sure what
that means, but we won.
And now you gon' be with
me for the last ride ♪
Let the light guide your way ♪
Yeah ♪
Hold every memory as you go ♪
And every road you take ♪
Will always lead you home ♪
Home ♪
It's been a long day
from where we began ♪
Oh, I'll tell you all about it ♪
When I see you again ♪
- Oh, oh ♪
- Uh ♪
- Oh, oh ♪
- Yeah ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Yo ♪
When I see you again, see you again ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
So they are pulling the offer
on "The Fast and the Furious."
What? Why?
Because you were
photographed doing whippets
at the White House
Correspondents Dinner.
It's on "Just Jared."
Dude, everyone there was drunk.
You're 29.
Who does whippets
outside of high school?
It was with the Avengers, okay?
Like two of 'em.
- Who?
- Cool ones.
Like from the first movie.
How do we fix this? Can
he do a charity event?
- Or
- [PETER SIGHS]
Do people know what
happened to his father?
On 9/11?
- Ma
- Look, Pete,
we just have to prove that
you can show up to a place on time,
do your job with zero catastrophes.
Yeah, guys, I'm not that bad.
You're treating me
like I'm an island boy.
Listen. We'll do whatever it takes.
Good.
Vin Diesel's daughter is a fan.
She's having a birthday
party on a yacht this weekend.
If you could perform
there on time and sober,
I think they'd reconsider.
Pete, I know you can do this.
It's a birthday party for a kid, guys.
I think I got this.
It's in Florida.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- What?
Oh, Florida is where
you were at your worst.
It's everything wrong
with you in one state.
Look. I'll be good, okay?
I'll get the movie, all right?
I'm glad to hear
that you are open to
making the right decision,
but I'm a bit concerned
because you're doing nitrous right now.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Just do the show
without attracting any
attention to yourself.
I don't want to see a
single paparazzi photo of you
acting stupid in Florida, okay?
Okay.
- Evan.
- Yeah?
I need you to put this on Pete.
Uh, what what is it?
It's a tracking device.
I need to know where he is
and what he's doing at all times.
I'm also sending Poppy
and Roy with you guys.
What? W-why?
There's some sandwich Poppy wants
one last time before he dies.
Is this is this really necessary?
This is Florida. We
cannot be too careful.
Okay.
[ENERGETIC ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
Ooh-ooh! ♪
♪
Gilly.
♪
Take it easy, bro. It's a rental.
Hey, who's all those friggin' guys?
- Those are the boys.
- Boys go everywhere with him.
Hey, Amy,
who's that supermodel
standing there with you?
Hey, Roy.
She knows my name. [LAUGHS]
- Yo.
- Yo, Petey.
Lotta ass out in Florida right now.
I'm checking my Bumble, dude.
I might have some fucking
pussy this weekend.
Also, you're in my profile picture,
so that's helping quite a bit.
I DM'd Chris Evans.
Dude, I told him I was with you guys,
and he was like, "Cool."
- Okay, everybody ready to go?
- [ENGINE TURNS OVER]
Roy are you sure you know
how to drive that thing?
Oh, I'll figure it out.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
♪
Sorry! I'll get someone to fix that.
Last call ♪
Ooh-ooh! ♪
- Last call ♪
- Ooh-ooh! ♪
Hey, Ma. What are you doing?
Pete and Poppy are on 95 right now.
They are going 12 miles
over the speed limit.
Okay, okay. This is disturbing, okay?
You need to stop stalking Pete
like the rest of the world.
What am I, chopped liver? Come on.
Let's go out. Let's do something.
What do you wanna do?
I wanna go out to dinner. Come on.
We should be taking advantage
of the fact that Pete's not here.
Enough. He's a grown man, okay?
So, uh, so, what what'd
you do before you retired?
I was in the export business.
- Negotiator-slash-courier.
- [CHUCKLES]
Kinda sounds like you were in the CIA.
Joe tell you that?
What?
Hey, no doobies in the fucking car.
I won't be able to breathe.
Fucking guys. Damn it.
No problem.
We don't got to get high to have fun.
- Right, boys?
- Right.
We just gonna watch TV
and eat these gummy bears.
You got gummy bears?
[SOFTLY] Crillz, mm-mm.
What?
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- Have a little more, yeah.
- Way to go.
- Good?
- Yeah, tastes all right.
- Okay.
You might wanna take it easy on those.
He's gonna be in the
stratosphere, nigga.
So what do you guys do?
I love your grandson. That's what I do.
Yeah. Me, too.
- I also make acai bowls.
- I'd kill for him.
Where the fuck you find these assholes?
- Staten Island.
- Change my name,
- move to Michigan
- [NOTIFICATION CHIMES]
Fuck, it's my agent.
[SIGHS]
What's up? You okay?
Someone's leaking shit.
It's the paparazzi again.
- Sounds like you got a rat.
- Really?
You think someone would rat on me?
Well, you surround yourself
with garbage, you attract rats.
Uh, no offense, guys.
Nah, I get it.
I don't.
Ugh, I'm getting tired over here.
I'll take a little nap.
Yo, those some badass glasses.
- You like 'em?
- Yeah.
- You wanna try 'em on?
- Fuck yeah.
There you go.
- How do I look?
- Yeah, you look good, my G.
- Yeah, yeah.
- [LAUGHTER]
Ah.
[LAUGHTER]
Good night, sweet prince.
[SMOOTH UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
I don't even think
she put our names down.
You know, let's just go to Danino's.
Let's go.
You know what? Fuck
this. We're getting in.
♪
Excuse me, sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
♪
Okay, that's great. Thank you.
She's giving us a table.
What did you do?
Told her Pete was coming.
Well, look at you.
Right this way, ladies.
I feel disgusting.
I'm not hungry anymore,
but I still need a drink.
[SIGHS]
Psst. Pete.
So I've got this movie idea
I been writing down in my notes.
Have you?
So we start off on a dark and rainy day.
There's a man in a ten-gallon hat,
smoking a cigarette.
He looks down and sees
his shoes are untied.
He ties his shoes and
then walks to the casino.
Is he gonna play blackjack?
Is he gonna put the
money back in his pocket
and go home to his wife?
Does he have a wife?
What the fuck are you talking about?
If you are telling me
that no one at work knows,
like, do they even know
that I'm your mother?
[LAUGHS] Yeah, announce
it to the whole hospital.
Oh, hey, my brother's really famous.
That's all you should talk to me about.
Oh, so you don't like all the attention?
No, I just like having
one place in the world
where I get to be
Casey, not Pete's sister.
I was on a date once,
and the guy was like,
"I'm so sorry for all that
your brother went through
when his dad died."
Who's the sensitive mystery man?
Okay, um, do you know what it's like
to have people constantly ask you
about your brother's dick?
So your friends are interested in him.
See? That's what he needs.
Like, a nice, normal, average girl.
- Like you!
- Average?
No. You know, I mean not
these starlets, you know,
that do yoga.
Okay, stop talking about Pete.
Which one are you?
I'm Dave.
Mr. Larocca said there
was something about me
he just didn't like,
so I have to stay up
here the rest of the trip.
Uh-huh.
Hi. I hope you're enjoying everything.
Yes.
Uh, but at this point,
your guest probably isn't arriving,
and we're gonna need this table.
I'm sorry, do you have
any idea who my son is?
Timothée Chalamet. Yeah.
We're the Chalamets!
And I I am Pete Davidson's mother.
I just told you I don't want
I am. That's his sister.
And you're not gonna
usher us out of here
like we're sort of normal people.
- All right?
- All right.
I'm the queen of Staten Island!
Okay, okay, come on.
Marisa Tomei played me in the movie!
[UPBEAT SALSA MUSIC]
♪
Touchdown, hand down ♪
So then he takes the
playing card out of his hat,
the Ace of Spades, and that's his name.
Ace fucking Spade.
You gotta work on that pitch.
It's just a lot of stage direction.
- [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- The fuck?
Yo, how'd they know I'd be here?
I don't know. I-I used your
fake name, Tostito Jones.
They're probably here for me.
I just shot my second
episode of "Blue Bloods."
[CHUCKLES] Fame move fast.
It's your rat.
- Fuck.
- Fucking rat.
[SIGHS] Let's do this. Let's go.
Yeah, yeah.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING]
- [GRUNTS] No more pictures!
- Oh, shit!
- What's going on?
- [SCREAMS]
- [CAMERA PARTS SHATTERING]
- Holy shit.
Hey, what's up, boys? Welcome to Miami!
305. That's the area code.
Y'all ready to get Crispy?
- Come on. Let's go.
- Welcome to Miami.
Who the fuck is that?
Hey, no pictures, no pictures!
Yeah, please. Don't do that.
I'ma take care of everything for you.
One second. I just gotta get the keys.
I already got it, boss.
Room 427, the Kid Rock suite.
Hold on. Do you work here?
Is that true? It's
called the Kid Rock Suite?
I mean, it's just the room that
me and Kid Rock did a bunch of coke
and made love to this woman
and it was mad romantic.
- I don't like this guy.
- Yeah?
Well, I don't like this guy, either.
[LAUGHS] Crispy!
Oh, I like those
glasses. Can I try 'em on?
No.
Come on, move your crunchy fucking ass.
Lady?
Oh, yeah. And by the
way, my name is Crispy.
I got all the best jewelry
in Southern Florida.
Hit me up. I'll hook you guys up.
Oh, my shit is way better
than Lou's Diamonds.
Lou's Diamonds can suck
my dick from the back.
Crispy!
This is fucking awesome!
That's what I'm talking about, dude!
These movies are fucking sick, man.
Vin Diesel is like Martin Scorsese.
The two share the same photo in my head.
How can you love this and not "Endgame"?
I mean, Doc Brown's
DeLorean makes more sense
than Dominic Toretto's Charger.
This is a dumb debate, okay?
Action beats sci-fi every time.
It's just mindless fun.
Like, that's the beauty of these movies.
You don't have to follow a story.
- There's no logic.
- That's right.
Just strap in, wait for 'splosions.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Yeah, I got a fucking hand job
to "The Fast and the Furious" once.
[SNORING]
[CHUCKLES AND SNORTS]
- Oh, hey!
- [GASPS]
Hey, I got locked out of my room.
- Can I use your shower?
- [GROANS] Yeah, dude.
Where the fuck did you go last night?
[CHUCKLES] Where, indeed.
[SOFTLY] Where, indeed.
The fuck happened to your face, dude?
See ya at breakfast.
[CHUCKLES] Classic Dave.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
This OJ is mad pulpy.
- Yeah. That's coffee.
- Thanks.
- I'll get the next one.
- Cool.
- [SIGHS]
- Hey! Morning! There he is!
What happened to your face?
I made it right.
What are you guys doing?
Roy's coming with the car
and we're gonna go have
the Cuban sandwiches.
You forgot?
Oh, we're gonna stop at Crispy's first.
We'll get, like, the sandwiches later.
You're gonna see that asshole?
Yeah, it'll be fun.
You don't even know the fucking guy.
Hey, Pete, I-I don't
think we have time.
He's, like, totally
in the wrong direction.
What are you talking about? We gotta go.
We gotta go to Crispy's.
We can't miss this party.
When a guy like that
walks into your life,
you kinda just gotta go along with it.
When in Rome, you do as the Romans do.
That was originally a threat.
Quando a Roma.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
All right, guys. Come on.
Hey. Listen to me.
Whatever happens to him, I do to you.
Y-you mean, like, only,
like, the bad stuff, right?
Yeah, just the bad stuff.
- You supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
- He supposed to -
Party like a mofo ♪
- She's supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
- We supposed to -
Party like a mofo ♪
- You supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
Looks pretty cool, huh?
- She's supposed to ♪
- Party like a mofo ♪
Hey, let's just, like,
keep the car running.
Man, fuck you.
Pete, wouldn't it be
funny as, like, a bit,
you bought us these watches as a, like,
'cause they're so dumb?
I would get the dumbest one as a bit.
Hey, Pete. I think this is,
like, a really weird situation.
We're in a gas station
that sells necklaces.
Yeah, yeah, let's get
the fuck outta here.
Lock the fucking safe, Raoul! Ah!
Oh, shit! Pete, you made it!
Oh, baby, I knew you was a real one!
Take it in, baby. Crispy
Diamonds, world-famous.
I built this place with my bare hands.
Huh? It's crispy, right? Huh?
- Yeah, man.
- Let's get you hooked up.
Yeah, uh, we just, you
know, wanted to come by,
say hello, and check out the place.
It's real cool, but we gotta
get going for a gig, so
What do you mean? Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna drive all
the way out to see me
and not check out all the crispies?
You know I got the crispies.
Come on, you can't leave.
Just give me one more chance, all right?
Look, I got the Instagram wall.
You can take a picture in front
of the famous Instagram wall!
Sorry, man. We gotta go, but
You know what? You're right.
This place is a shithole.
I'm gonna take you to
someplace really crispy.
I got another place.
It's five minutes away.
We could get there in 20 minutes.
Just give me one second to
call my friend and hook it up.
Glenda, will you get 'em some tap water?
[SNAPING FINGERS] Glenda? Glenda?
She's in a K-hole! I'll be right back.
[UPBEAT MUSIC ON RADIO]
So we're, like, going to,
like, a second location?
Yeah. He said it's, like, extra crispy.
Yeah, welcome to the
Crispy compound, boys.
I rented this place out to
Diplo once for a foam party,
if you guys wanna watch
the Ring footage later.
- [CHUCKLING] Take it in, boys!
- Wow.
This place is sick, man. We
should've came here first.
- Make yourselves at home.
- Wow.
That that was, like, literally,
like, a two-hour
drive. We are so fucked.
Fuck.
Pete, you should buy this fucking moose.
I'm not selling a fucking thing!
- [SNORTING LAUGHTER]
- Dad, you're embarrassing me.
[CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY] Crispy!
Your name is Ben!
Shh! Come on!
You and your friends
can take a look around.
Don't touch anything or you're dead.
Come on, Pete. I wanna
show you something.
Okay.
I'm so sorry. My dad's so embarrassing.
I don't even know if
he's my biological dad.
He raised me, but we
never really known if he
Hey, uh, Mr. Crispy, uh,
Pete's has to get to this
show before this boat leaves.
His career kind of depends on it.
Okay, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Are you, like, the manager
or the agent or something?
'Cause what the fuck do you
keep interrupting me for?
Seriously? I just need a
couple minutes with him.
Okay, look, I'm sorry, look.
Please, pretty please with sugar on top
just give me two seconds,
we'll be right back.
- That's all I need!
- We're almost done.
Okay? Just two minutes. Huh?
I care about stuff, Pete.
- That's cool, man.
- I care about stuff, Pete!
- [SIGHS] Sick, bro.
- Yeah, this this is so
I mean, look, you got the leather crisp,
the air conditioning gets extra crispy.
Of course, the GPS, in case
you wanna go to Crispytown.
Oh, fuck! The paps are back.
How do they keep finding
us? I don't get it.
Oh, shit.
Well, if you want, we could
get the fuck outta Dodge.
- That'd be great. How?
- In the Dodge.
[LAUGHING] Crispy!
[LAUGHS] Hey, fuck you, Dad!
[BOTH LAUGHING] [ENGINE REVVING]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
What just happened?
You know what the fuck just happened.
What are you waiting for?
Get the fuck outta here!
[ENERGETIC SYNTH-DRIVEN MUSIC]
Go!
Go! [KEYS JINGLING]
- Let's go, baby.
- Let's ride.
- [KEYS JINGLE]
- Fuck it! Let's do this.
[THE POINTER SISTERS' "NEUTRON DANCE"]
Hey, what are we doing here?
Why are we doing this?
We're all chasing this guy?
For a picture? And this is the car?
Did you decide this?
I'm bigger than the car.
I don't want to take it anymore ♪
I'll just stay here
locked behind the door ♪
♪
Just no time to stop and get away ♪
'Cause I work so hard
to make it every day ♪
♪
Whoo-hoo ♪
We cooking today, boy!
Save this nigga, Pete!
Whoo-hoo ♪
♪
Oh, shit! They're following you?
- Fuck!
- "Page Six" and "Just Jared"!
You just keep driving,
and I'm gonna smoke these jive turkeys.
[CACKLES]
No, it's fine! They can
just take my picture!
Oh, no!
♪
[GUNFIRE AND RICOCHETS]
There's fucking guns! Crispy, no!
BOTH: Oh, shit!
- [GUNFIRE AND RICOCHETS]
- Keep it straight!
Don't do that! Please! Please!
The fucking pickles. That's the secret.
Unbelievable pickle. Watch. You'll see.
- Holy shit.
- Mm-hmm.
That's a pickle.
Oh, shit! They're
coming around that way!
[YELPS] He's gonna shoot!
He's shooting at us!
- Excuse me!
- Oh, no. God!
- Let me take care of this.
- [SCREAMS]
[GUNFIRE AND RICOCHETS]
♪
[SCREAMS] You fucking killed a guy!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
We are gonna be so
fucking late to the show!
I don't think the Cubans are known
for their cu-zeen,
I'll be honest with you.
For their what? Cu-zeen?
I don't the Cubans are
known for their food.
- You said cu-zeen.
- Cu-zeen. That's right.
- It's not coo-zeen?
- Okay, well
I'm not saying
[INDISTINCT] Maybe it's
It's cu-zeen.
It's coo-zine or cu-zine?
Cu-zeen.
Gilly, what the fuck
is going on back there?
That guy dead?
Guys, I'm gonna be honest with you.
This fucking sucks!
Evan, how you feeling
over there, huh? [LAUGHS]
Guys, this is not good!
Guys, what do we do?
How the fuck are we
talking to each other?
And it's hard to say ♪
Just how some things never change ♪
And it's hard to find ♪
Any strength to draw the line ♪
Oh, I'm just burning
doin' the neutron dance ♪
♪
Now it's time for the heavy artillery.
The Nick Cannon, baby!
- Watch your hair!
- Oh, what?
- Oh, fuck.
- What the fuck?
- [LAUGHS]
- No.
- The ultimate crispy!
- No!
Don't kill my friends!
Please don't kill my friends!
- What is that?
- BOTH: Bazooka!
[LAUGHS]
♪
♪
Oh, my God!
- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]
♪
[SIGHS]
Oh, my God. I think I
killed that crispy to death.
[LAUGHS]
Crispy! [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah!
- [INDISTINCT]
This is insane.
I can't believe this ended up being
kind of the coolest shit I've
ever seen in my life, dude.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Yeah, baby!
- [GUNSHOT]
Oh, fuck!
[SINGING IN SPANISH]
♪
- Whoo!
- Yeah.
♪
[RETCHING] Oh, fuck!
Fuck, did we just kill somebody?
[GROANS]
[COUGHS]
All right, motherfuckers.
It's been real.
If y'all ever in the 305
again, you know who to call,
but I change my number,
like, every two weeks,
so you can email me at
BenGluberman@2cmail.net.
Hot boy shit. [GIGGLES] Whoo! [SIGHS]
Crispy.
[ENGINE REVVING]
All right, we're shutting it down.
I'm getting sober now.
No more drugs.
[BIRDS SINGING]
You made back-to-school pancakes?
Mm-hmm.
I know it seems like I pay
so much more attention to Peter,
but honey, you are
always in my thoughts.
And so now, I'm gonna
make sure to show you that
- every single day.
- Okay.
I need you to tell me exactly what
you're talking about right now.
Oh, it's nothing for you to worry about.
It's all for the best.
So I'm just supposed to live in fear?
No, you can rest assured
that your mother is keeping
a watchful eye on you.
Do I have a transmitter
in my body right now?
Oh, please. That's ridiculous.
It's just your phone,
your car, and your key fob.
Point is, I'm now going
to interfere in your life
just as much as I interfere in Peter's.
So listen,
I went onto Instagram, and I found out
all the other people who
work at your hospital,
and I have identified your
handsomest supervisors.
No.
All right? Let's start with Patrick.
Married.
How 'bout Brian?
Oh, I see a pause there!
I know what I gotta do.
I gotta slide in some DMs.
Fuck.
I mean, it doesn't make sense.
I'm glad we made it,
but something's still
fucking pissing me off.
Like, how the fuck do
they keep finding us?
How do they all know our location?
Oh, shit. Uh, Pete, I
gotta tell you something.
Your mom has been
tracking your location.
- What?
- Whoa!
- Your mom's the rat, dude.
- You think?
Definitely, dude. He just said it.
- I don't know.
- My mom's a rat?
She's definitely the rat.
You guys don't think she
would do that to me, right?
We should kill her.
Peter.
Come on. I wanna talk to you a minute.
What's up, what's up?
You're gonna kill your mom?
Your mom is a fucking rat?
I don't know what to do.
Shut the fuck up.
What are you, fucking stupid?
Yes.
Yeah, I think so. I
wanna show you something.
Look at these pictures.
Every place we went,
the paparazzi were there.
Look at everybody's face,
how surprised and shocked we all were.
Not this big, fat
fuck. Look at this face.
He looks happy. What do you mean?
What's wrong with that?
"What's wrong with that?"
That's your fucking rat.
He's like he knew there
was gonna be paparazzi here.
He looks like he's ready to
walk the fucking red carpet
like he's gonna win a
fucking Emmy or something.
- Gilly's the rat.
- That's your fucking rat.
What do I do?
I can't take care of everything for you.
You just get rid of him. That's all.
Thanks, Pop. You're, uh
you're part of the crew now.
I don't want to be part of your crew.
Fuck your crew.
Just do this and take
care of your own shit.
All right.
[SIGHS] Can I talk to you for a sec?
Yeah.
Just, like, over there in private?
Yeah.
'Sup, dude?
"'Sup dude" me. I know it was you.
- Fuck. I didn't do anything.
- You sold me out.
- I didn't sell you out.
- Yeah, you did.
You sold me out. My Poppy
told me you sold me out.
You're gonna listen to that guy?
- Yeah!
- Why?
He's my fucking grandfather!
What the fuck is that, dude?
Why would he lie? What'd you do?
- I didn't do anything.
- Just tell me what you did!
All right.
There was a girl at the "Daily Mail."
Got a weird thing going.
I wanted fucking to
have sex with her, dude.
So I told her where you were a bunch.
That's what I'm worth? You
sold me out for a blow job?
It was head.
Do not let this ruin our
fucking future together, dude.
What?
You know what I'm talking about.
We started from the bottom,
dude, and now, we're
- we're here, we're here!
- No, we didn't!
I've known you for like three months!
I was pretty low, dude!
That was my bottom!
Dude, it's over.
Dude, don't fucking
tell anybody about this.
Don't tell Chris Evans.
Don't fucking touch your phone, dude.
Do not tell Chris Evans about this.
- I just told him.
- Chris!
Dude, it's over. Go home.
We're friends, dude.
We're, like, tight friends, dude.
It's not about friends,
it's about family.
You're not family. Now
get the fuck outta here.
[WIZ KHALIFA'S "SEE YOU AGAIN"]
[DELICATE PIANO MUSIC]
♪
It's been a long day ♪
Without you, my friend ♪
And I'll tell you all about
it when I see you again ♪
Shall we?
There you go. Thank you.
I'm proud of you, Peter.
I love you, Poppy.
Where's Gilly going?
- He lives in Miami now.
- Oh?
- He was the rat.
- Oh
Oh, oh ♪
[OVERLAPPING SHOUTING]
♪
♪
Slap him in the face,
you weird, little man!
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
[CHEERS] Yes! Yes!
Yeah, not sure what
that means, but we won.
And now you gon' be with
me for the last ride ♪
Let the light guide your way ♪
Yeah ♪
Hold every memory as you go ♪
And every road you take ♪
Will always lead you home ♪
Home ♪
It's been a long day
from where we began ♪
Oh, I'll tell you all about it ♪
When I see you again ♪
- Oh, oh ♪
- Uh ♪
- Oh, oh ♪
- Yeah ♪
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Yo ♪
When I see you again, see you again ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪