Burnistoun (2009) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Just in for ma rolls.
Oh, nae rolls the day.
But I wanted a roll and sausage.
I went and bought sausages.
Want a roll.
Nae rolls.
What d'ye mean, nae rolls? I mean there's nae rolls the day, mate.
Nae rolls.
When's the rolls guy coming in wi' the rolls? The rolls guy's no' coming, mate.
The rolls guy's no' bringing any rolls.
Nae rolls.
But I've went and bought sausages.
I'm sorry you've bought sausages, mate, right? Nae rolls.
Have ye no' even got wan roll? I've got nae rolls.
But I wanted a roll and sausage.
Well, mebbe you should have checked if there was rolls first, right, cos there's always sausages, but sometimes there's nae rolls and today, on this day, on this day today, today at this moment, at this moment, as we're staunin' here the noo, mate, there's nae rolls.
Any rolls frae yesterday? Nae rolls.
Any saft rolls? Nae hard rolls, nae saft rolls, nae well-fired rolls, nae seeded buns, mate, nae rolls.
Are sausages like hot dogs? What?! Are sausages like hot dogs? No' reall Aye, kinda.
- Any hot dog rolls? - There's nae rolls.
Right? Hear me as I say this, mate, right? If you never hear one mair thing in your life ever again, there are nae rolls in this building the day.
Nae rolls.
- Nae rolls? - Nae rolls.
See the thing is, right, I wanted a roll and sausage.
There's breid.
Have a piece and sausage.
I don't want a piece and sausage.
I want a roll and sausage.
- But there's nae rolls, mate.
- Have ye no' even got wan roll? Even one of thae packets of rolls would dae.
Mate, there's nae rolls! There's nae rolls! If there was rolls, I would sell you the lot of them, mate.
I would make that roll and sausage masel, but there's nae rolls.
Do you hear me, mate? Nae rolls! Aye, all right.
I was just askin'.
Nae rolls, mate! Still nae rolls! - Can I help you? - Any rolls the day? Aye, hunners o' them.
C'mon, I'll take ye ower to them.
A donation of as little as one pound a month could be invaluable to the hospice and Listen, mate, I'm really sorry for interrupting you, but I'm just aboot to head oot the door and I really don't have time tae Is there anybody else I can talk to? No, no, no, it's just me that's in just now, and I'm aboot to shoot.
Oh, OK, OK.
Should I come back later? Aye, aye, aye, sure.
Come back, I'm just in a real hurry just now.
OK, sir, bye-bye.
Right, bye-bye.
Why did you tell him to come back, wasting the guy's time.
- Just say no.
- I don't like saying no.
So you'd rather lie about gaein' oot? That was stupid.
Why did I say I'd rushed oot? The guy's oot in the street, he'll see I've no' rushed oot.
Aw, brilliant! Look, he's sitting on the wall.
I'm gonnae have to kid on to go oot noo.
I'm actually gonnae have to pretend I'm going somewhere.
You've nowhere to go! Sorry, I shouldn't be sitting on your wall there.
I was just checking the sheet here.
No, you're all right, mate.
Listen, sorry I couldnae talk to you there, I had to get ready to head oot.
In a rush.
It's no bother, mate.
Argh! Hello? It's me.
I think I've broke my ankle.
- What are ye talking about? - I tripped at the corner.
You'll need to come in the motor and get me.
Can ye no' get back yourself? Oh, aye, that's no' gonnae look suss to the guy, is it? Me limpin' back two seconds later.
- Just come and get me.
- I cannae.
I'm not meant to be here, am I? You made out like it was just you in the hoose.
What's it gonnae look like if I suddenly pop out the door? Right enough, right enough.
I'll just need to wait it oot.
Argh! What're you doing?! Pal? Are you all right? - Don't talk to me.
- What? - He cannae know I'm here.
- Justjust go away.
- Where the bloody hell are ye? - He's still there.
That's a convincing amount of time to have been out for.
But if he's still there when I come back, he's gonnae want to talk to me aboot his bloody charity, in't he? It's dark noo, and I cannae put any lights or a telly on.
You've been away for four hours.
Four hours? Four hours! Four hours, sittin' waitin' ootside ma hoose for four hours? Look at me.
Look what you've done to me.
You're deid.
Bloody typical.
That's what I get.
That's what I get! Hiya, ma name's Kelly McGlade.
My girl band's got a gig the night.
So I'd better go and pick up these two wee manky skeletons that staun behind me.
Well, this is us, ma band, God help me.
We used to be called the Snide Rides and then we changed it to the Sizzlechests and then it was, em Then it was the Sweaty Betties.
Aye, then it was the Mingers, then it was the Do Your Dingers, then it was Romantic Cellulite and then it was, er Stupid Bastarts.
Aye, and then the Sex Cows and then it was the Helfy Howlers, then it was theSix Tits.
Then we finally settled on what we are just noo, Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds.
- We'd better get moving, Kelly.
- Aye, true.
Erm, this next song's a bit of a political song.
It's aboot how the judges and the courts treat your boyfriend when all he's done is chinned a guy for posting a shite through his granny's letter box.
- I mean, that's disgusting.
- Here! It was your boyfriend that posted that excreta hissel, hen.
Excreta? Excuse me? The shite.
Your boyfriend posted it hissel as an excuse so he could leather Tommo.
He was boasting aboot it down here.
You sayin' my ex lies to me? I'm sayin' the truth of the behaviours of men is sometimes better left outside the sphere of female knowledge, hen.
Is all.
The sphere of female knowledge? Maybe I should come ower and clatter this ankle boot against your spheres of male ballage.
Just sing your song, hen.
D'ye think we're performing monkeys or somethin'?! - Just leave it, Kelly.
- Naw, naw, naw.
Listen, I bet the last time a woman did what you telt her was when you asked your maw to go and hide your da's falsers before he gave you a gobble this morning.
Don't you talk about ma maw, ya wee hairy.
Excuse me? These two might be hairies, but I'm no'.
I've got dreams.
I'm gonnae make it oot o' here, just like you're gonnae make it oot o' here.
- Me? - Aye.
In an ambulance.
- Ohhhhh - Somebody go and pick him up.
He sounds like one of ma da's Scott Walker albums.
Now, Mr Glover, in all my years as a sperm banker, I've never come across anyone who's contributed as much sperm as you.
On our Spermometer, you've chalked up over 16,000 gallons of grade A glug-a-glug.
Nae bother.
Just gie's a bucket, I'll knock a few out while we're sitting here.
We've not actually called you in for that reason, Mr Glover.
We have aconfession to make.
What's that? A few years ago, we had a problem with the freezers, and all of our samples were destroyed.
All, that is, apart from yours.
So for a while there, we were using your sperm exclusively on all of our clients.
I'm no' fussy, mate.
You seen some of the things I've nipped? How many weans have I got? My wee pal Scott's got ten weans frae ten different women.
If I beat him, I'll be quite happy.
It's a little bit higher than that.
- How many? - You have to understand How many? Six thousand.
Sixthousand? Well, you do make a deposit here five or six times a day.
It's a lot of sperm to go around.
I just thought it would be worth mentioning.
Really? You thought it might be worth mentioning that I've got 6,000 weans? Yes.
You know, what with the recent changes in Burnistoun law, you're now financially responsible for each of those 6,000 children.
Mate, I'm no' even financially responsible for masel.
Why d'ye think I'm comin' in here chugging for ma chip money? How much money am I gonnae have to fork oot here? At a rough estimate, I'd imagine you'd be expected to pay around £300,000 a week.
And then there's the back payments, which would total£90 million.
£90 million.
Do they take Provy cheques? I've no idea what they are.
Let's move on to the more serious matter now.
That wasnae the serious matter? No.
We also sold your sperm to some scientists who were involved in stem cell research, one of whom was a mad scientist who used it to create a half-human, half-plant hybrid.
I'm no' paying out child support money for a plant monster.
No, it's not actually the money they're after.
You see, the mad scientist recently passed away, so that half-plant, half-human monster experiment is now legally your dependant.
- Wha'? - Mr Glover please let me introduce your beautiful son Project X54.
Get aff us, ya freak! Check the state of ye.
I bet ye've got greenfly.
- Who's this? - Project X54, say hello to your father.
This is my da? Here's to you, boys.
That's milk! Coming soon to BBC Burnistoun.
It just disnae make sense.
The only way that this bastard could have committed these murders is if he had inside knowledge of police procedure.
Oh, for Christ's sake, it's no' wan of us again, is it? How many times can a serial killer turn oot to be wan o' the polis in the big twist? Who was it? Come on.
Youkilled all of them? Away and put yersel in a cell by yersel.
Go on.
The minute the gaffer said this investigation would be startin' on a Sunday and conclude on the following Friday, I should have known it'd be one of us.
It always is.
Why are you covered in blood? - Um - I'm tired of this.
Away and find a cell wi' your mate, go on.
But I've only killed two guys.
And only to get revenge for something that happened in a flashback.
I don't care.
Cell! Anybody else killed anybody? I want the truth! See ma wee, deaf, wheelchair-bound wife? She's tired of me comin' hame at night and staring oot the windae wi' a dark expression on ma face.
Nae mair twists.
Good.
Aye, never saw that wan comin', did ye? Aye, ye did, exactly.
Load of shite.
Load of shite.
Which one of the police is it this time? What do you want, beautiful, elegant lady? Um, can I have an Aero? Of course you can.
I would love to give you an Aero chocolate bar, that's my favourite chocolate, anyway, but I'd love to give you a taste too, anyway, you beautiful creature.
Right.
- That's 50 pence.
- Where's your brother today? He's having a day off today, anyway, he works too hard so I'm doing it all by myself today, anyway.
OK.
I'll get your change.
Psssst, doon here.
God, are you all right? Of course I'm no' bloody all right.
My brother's tied me up.
Untie me.
- What you looking at, anyway? - Nothing.
Look at my stupid, rubbish, idiot brother.
He's all tied up.
He can't even escape, anyway.
You've gone too far this time, Walter.
- Do you want me to untie him? - Yes! No, don't untie him.
He's just practising his party piece, anyway - he's an escape man, anyway.
I am bloody not an escape man.
You are an escape man! I should probably untie him.
Just shut up and eat your chocolate, you ugly pig.
Walter, what have I told you about speaking to our ugly customers like that? Shut up, escape man.
You can't even break oot o' some rope.
I'm so strong I can break oot of a crisp.
Well, a corn snack, maybe not a tottie crisp, but Hey, come back with my chocolate, - you smelly article.
- I bought it.
Walter, will you let me back inside the van, please? What do you say, anyway? Please.
What's the password, anyway? The password is Mammy loves Walter the best.
OK, you can come back inside.
Thank you.
You know I love you, Walter.
I know, anyway.
I'll reel you in.
You'll what? Walter! Come on! Oh, I've got a big wan now, anyway.
All right, Sawney boy? - Just the usual? - Nah.
Surprise me.
Surprise ye? - I'll get ye a pint.
- Och, no.
I'm sick of pints.
Pint, pint, pint, pint.
Surprise me.
- I'll get you a pint.
- I don't want a pint.
But you like pints.
That's the thing.
I don't even really like pints.
But you're always drinking pints.
But that's society, though, in't it? I mean, that's just you been conditioned into asking for what a guy like me asks for in a pub.
A pint.
Well, nae mair.
Surprise me.
You want me to shite in a glass and gie ye that? Is that surprise enough for you? Just gie me somethingexotic.
Well, I don't even know what hauf these things are.
What's that one? I'll try that.
Gin.
Gie it a shake.
What if I try? You've got me.
All right, you've got me.
I don't know how to pour any other drinks.
I've been in this pub that long the only thing I know how to pour is pints, right? I don't know what measures to use, I don't know what goes with what.
I'm no' very well educated, am I, huh? Big man in campus wi' your gin.
Listen, you drink in ma pub, you drink pints, all right? I've just won myself a holiday, boys.
I think I'll celebrate wi' a wee piña colada.
If you're gonnae be working for the Burnistoun Herald, son, you need to know what we're all aboot.
Other newspapers promise you tomorrow's news today.
But our motto is tomorrow's news yesterday.
Tomorrow's news yesterday.
Yes.
And today is Wednesday, so that means we're printing Thursday's news.
No, no.
Tomorrow's news, yes, but yesterday.
Wednesday Thurs Friday's news! Yes.
Get out! Max, get in here.
What have you got for me, son? Burnistoun United manager Davie Soylent, he's been caught having an affair.
I like it.
When did this happen? - Today.
- Today? What's this newspaper's motto? Tomorrow's news yesterday.
Did I say today? I meant to say it happened tomorrow.
Tomorrow's news yesterday, Max, no' tomorrow's news today.
I mean, it's Friday's news, because if you print it tomorrow, then tomorrow's tomorrow is Friday.
As it should be, yes.
Which means the story broke on tomorrow's yesterday, which is today.
- So it's today's news.
- Yes.
Then it should have been printed on Monday.
Somebody should have been sitting here on Monday morning saying, "Wonderful, this is tomorrow's news, and I read it yesterday.
" No, no, that's no' right either, because if he says on Monday that he read it yesterday, that means that he read it on Sunday.
But I I don't even understand ma ain motto noo because of you pair.
Haud on, I'll get Julie in here - she's much like masel, a good man for details.
Julie, could you step in here, please? Julie, what the hell does tomorrow's news yesterday mean? It means we print tomorrow's news yesterday.
See? Simple.
Tomorrow's news, Thursday's news, yesterday, on Tuesday.
That's it.
So what are we supposed to be working on just now? Well Oh, I Right, right, picture this.
Right, our reader's sitting there on a Tuesday morning reading Thursday's news.
Right? And he's smiling a big satisfied grin and he's saying to hissel, "Good old Burnistoun Herald allowing me to me read tomorrow's news yesterday.
" No! That would mean he'd have read the news on a Monday.
What in God's name's happening here? Look, it's simple.
We always print tomorrow's news yesterday.
When tomorrow's news comes, we've already printed it one day ago.
So, we're printing newspapers people have already read already? - Nae wonder naebody's buying them.
- Naw.
Look, Davie Soylent has an affair.
The news breaks on the Wednesday.
But we've already printed that on the Monday.
So what do I dae wi' this story? You heard the boy.
Print it on Monday just past's newspaper.
But how do I dae that? Don't ask me.
You're the writer.
Sorry, that's ma mobile.
Sorry about that.
Where was I? Aye? I hear you've been doin' your Bob-a-Job through flairs 11 to 22.
What aboot it? I guess you're new round here.
I dae the Bob-a-Job through flairs 10 up.
No' any mair.
If I hear of you moppin' the landing outside Mrs Muir's hoose again, I'll mop the landing outside your hoose.
You widnae have the baws on ye.
And you think I'm gonnae gie you a bob for this job?! You think I'm no' gonnae be doon moppin' your landing? I already mopped it.
Then I'll Hoover your carpets and I'll dust your blinds and I'll sew the button back on yer duffel coat, and yer maw'll love it.
Don't talk that filth about ma maw.
I'm the only wan that Bob-a-Jobs ma maw.
McGrief! Tina.
You let a McGrief do a Job for a Bob on our landing? I wasnae gonnae gie him a bob.
That Boy Scout was gonnae do what he was telt.
And I'm telling you.
What?! Maybe I'll go doon and Bob-a-Job your whole landing for ye? Maybe I'll iron yer da's shirts.
My da' disnae even agree wi' lassies being in the Scouts.
Think he's gonnae let you go Bob-a-Job on his shirts?! Aye.
What are these, then? I've already ironed them.
Yer da' says ye didnae dae it right.
But then he never, ever gave you that ironing badge, did he? How much did he pay you to Bob-a-Job his shirts? A bob.
He only paid me hauf a bob.
Oh, I'm finished wi' the Scouts.
But I'm no finished wi' yous two.
You, you work all night #And when you're working You feel all right #And when When things stop feeling all right #And everything is all right Cos we will never listen to your rules - # No! - # We will never do as others do - # No! - # Know what we want #And we get it from you #Do what we like And we like what we do - #So let's get a party going - # Let's get a party going Now it's time to party And we'll party hard - # Let's get a party going - # Let's get a party going When it's time to party We will always party hard Party hard Party hard Party hard, party hard Party hard Party hard Party hard, party hard Party hard Party hard Party hard, party hard Party, party, party hard Party hard! #All right! # There are no two ways to tell you this, Mr Kelly.
I'm afraid that your illness is terminal.
Actually, there are two ways I could have told you.
I could have told you over the phone.
That would be a second way.
- You could have sent me a letter.
- True.
True.
That's three.
Er, e-mail? Aye, aye, that's, er, that's four.
- Um - Um You could have hired one of these aeroplanes with a banner thing on the back of them.
"You're dying.
" That's five.
Or even a smoke trail.
A smoke trail would have been cool.
That's six.
Just let me grab a note pad here and I'll, er - Er - What else? There's your salt and vinegar crisps.
Ta.
Got anymedicinals? - Just your usual? - Aye.
Got any mair? Naw, that's all I've got the noo, actually.
Do you want the plant? Aye.
And maybe something a wee bit stronger.
Cocaine? Aye.
Gie's, er11 kilos.
You're gonnae need something to guard all that stuff wi', mate.
Aye.
- Kalashnikov? - Aye, gie's that.
I've got some poppy seeds as well, if you want to get into the opium.
Aye, I've got some o' them.
But I've no really got the expertise to cultivate a poppy field.
Aye.
Er - An Afghan poppy farmer? - Aye.
- How much is that? - Er 678,335 quid, mate.
Right.
D'ye take gingies? Oh, aye, of course, aye.
Oh, nae rolls the day.
But I wanted a roll and sausage.
I went and bought sausages.
Want a roll.
Nae rolls.
What d'ye mean, nae rolls? I mean there's nae rolls the day, mate.
Nae rolls.
When's the rolls guy coming in wi' the rolls? The rolls guy's no' coming, mate.
The rolls guy's no' bringing any rolls.
Nae rolls.
But I've went and bought sausages.
I'm sorry you've bought sausages, mate, right? Nae rolls.
Have ye no' even got wan roll? I've got nae rolls.
But I wanted a roll and sausage.
Well, mebbe you should have checked if there was rolls first, right, cos there's always sausages, but sometimes there's nae rolls and today, on this day, on this day today, today at this moment, at this moment, as we're staunin' here the noo, mate, there's nae rolls.
Any rolls frae yesterday? Nae rolls.
Any saft rolls? Nae hard rolls, nae saft rolls, nae well-fired rolls, nae seeded buns, mate, nae rolls.
Are sausages like hot dogs? What?! Are sausages like hot dogs? No' reall Aye, kinda.
- Any hot dog rolls? - There's nae rolls.
Right? Hear me as I say this, mate, right? If you never hear one mair thing in your life ever again, there are nae rolls in this building the day.
Nae rolls.
- Nae rolls? - Nae rolls.
See the thing is, right, I wanted a roll and sausage.
There's breid.
Have a piece and sausage.
I don't want a piece and sausage.
I want a roll and sausage.
- But there's nae rolls, mate.
- Have ye no' even got wan roll? Even one of thae packets of rolls would dae.
Mate, there's nae rolls! There's nae rolls! If there was rolls, I would sell you the lot of them, mate.
I would make that roll and sausage masel, but there's nae rolls.
Do you hear me, mate? Nae rolls! Aye, all right.
I was just askin'.
Nae rolls, mate! Still nae rolls! - Can I help you? - Any rolls the day? Aye, hunners o' them.
C'mon, I'll take ye ower to them.
A donation of as little as one pound a month could be invaluable to the hospice and Listen, mate, I'm really sorry for interrupting you, but I'm just aboot to head oot the door and I really don't have time tae Is there anybody else I can talk to? No, no, no, it's just me that's in just now, and I'm aboot to shoot.
Oh, OK, OK.
Should I come back later? Aye, aye, aye, sure.
Come back, I'm just in a real hurry just now.
OK, sir, bye-bye.
Right, bye-bye.
Why did you tell him to come back, wasting the guy's time.
- Just say no.
- I don't like saying no.
So you'd rather lie about gaein' oot? That was stupid.
Why did I say I'd rushed oot? The guy's oot in the street, he'll see I've no' rushed oot.
Aw, brilliant! Look, he's sitting on the wall.
I'm gonnae have to kid on to go oot noo.
I'm actually gonnae have to pretend I'm going somewhere.
You've nowhere to go! Sorry, I shouldn't be sitting on your wall there.
I was just checking the sheet here.
No, you're all right, mate.
Listen, sorry I couldnae talk to you there, I had to get ready to head oot.
In a rush.
It's no bother, mate.
Argh! Hello? It's me.
I think I've broke my ankle.
- What are ye talking about? - I tripped at the corner.
You'll need to come in the motor and get me.
Can ye no' get back yourself? Oh, aye, that's no' gonnae look suss to the guy, is it? Me limpin' back two seconds later.
- Just come and get me.
- I cannae.
I'm not meant to be here, am I? You made out like it was just you in the hoose.
What's it gonnae look like if I suddenly pop out the door? Right enough, right enough.
I'll just need to wait it oot.
Argh! What're you doing?! Pal? Are you all right? - Don't talk to me.
- What? - He cannae know I'm here.
- Justjust go away.
- Where the bloody hell are ye? - He's still there.
That's a convincing amount of time to have been out for.
But if he's still there when I come back, he's gonnae want to talk to me aboot his bloody charity, in't he? It's dark noo, and I cannae put any lights or a telly on.
You've been away for four hours.
Four hours? Four hours! Four hours, sittin' waitin' ootside ma hoose for four hours? Look at me.
Look what you've done to me.
You're deid.
Bloody typical.
That's what I get.
That's what I get! Hiya, ma name's Kelly McGlade.
My girl band's got a gig the night.
So I'd better go and pick up these two wee manky skeletons that staun behind me.
Well, this is us, ma band, God help me.
We used to be called the Snide Rides and then we changed it to the Sizzlechests and then it was, em Then it was the Sweaty Betties.
Aye, then it was the Mingers, then it was the Do Your Dingers, then it was Romantic Cellulite and then it was, er Stupid Bastarts.
Aye, and then the Sex Cows and then it was the Helfy Howlers, then it was theSix Tits.
Then we finally settled on what we are just noo, Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds.
- We'd better get moving, Kelly.
- Aye, true.
Erm, this next song's a bit of a political song.
It's aboot how the judges and the courts treat your boyfriend when all he's done is chinned a guy for posting a shite through his granny's letter box.
- I mean, that's disgusting.
- Here! It was your boyfriend that posted that excreta hissel, hen.
Excreta? Excuse me? The shite.
Your boyfriend posted it hissel as an excuse so he could leather Tommo.
He was boasting aboot it down here.
You sayin' my ex lies to me? I'm sayin' the truth of the behaviours of men is sometimes better left outside the sphere of female knowledge, hen.
Is all.
The sphere of female knowledge? Maybe I should come ower and clatter this ankle boot against your spheres of male ballage.
Just sing your song, hen.
D'ye think we're performing monkeys or somethin'?! - Just leave it, Kelly.
- Naw, naw, naw.
Listen, I bet the last time a woman did what you telt her was when you asked your maw to go and hide your da's falsers before he gave you a gobble this morning.
Don't you talk about ma maw, ya wee hairy.
Excuse me? These two might be hairies, but I'm no'.
I've got dreams.
I'm gonnae make it oot o' here, just like you're gonnae make it oot o' here.
- Me? - Aye.
In an ambulance.
- Ohhhhh - Somebody go and pick him up.
He sounds like one of ma da's Scott Walker albums.
Now, Mr Glover, in all my years as a sperm banker, I've never come across anyone who's contributed as much sperm as you.
On our Spermometer, you've chalked up over 16,000 gallons of grade A glug-a-glug.
Nae bother.
Just gie's a bucket, I'll knock a few out while we're sitting here.
We've not actually called you in for that reason, Mr Glover.
We have aconfession to make.
What's that? A few years ago, we had a problem with the freezers, and all of our samples were destroyed.
All, that is, apart from yours.
So for a while there, we were using your sperm exclusively on all of our clients.
I'm no' fussy, mate.
You seen some of the things I've nipped? How many weans have I got? My wee pal Scott's got ten weans frae ten different women.
If I beat him, I'll be quite happy.
It's a little bit higher than that.
- How many? - You have to understand How many? Six thousand.
Sixthousand? Well, you do make a deposit here five or six times a day.
It's a lot of sperm to go around.
I just thought it would be worth mentioning.
Really? You thought it might be worth mentioning that I've got 6,000 weans? Yes.
You know, what with the recent changes in Burnistoun law, you're now financially responsible for each of those 6,000 children.
Mate, I'm no' even financially responsible for masel.
Why d'ye think I'm comin' in here chugging for ma chip money? How much money am I gonnae have to fork oot here? At a rough estimate, I'd imagine you'd be expected to pay around £300,000 a week.
And then there's the back payments, which would total£90 million.
£90 million.
Do they take Provy cheques? I've no idea what they are.
Let's move on to the more serious matter now.
That wasnae the serious matter? No.
We also sold your sperm to some scientists who were involved in stem cell research, one of whom was a mad scientist who used it to create a half-human, half-plant hybrid.
I'm no' paying out child support money for a plant monster.
No, it's not actually the money they're after.
You see, the mad scientist recently passed away, so that half-plant, half-human monster experiment is now legally your dependant.
- Wha'? - Mr Glover please let me introduce your beautiful son Project X54.
Get aff us, ya freak! Check the state of ye.
I bet ye've got greenfly.
- Who's this? - Project X54, say hello to your father.
This is my da? Here's to you, boys.
That's milk! Coming soon to BBC Burnistoun.
It just disnae make sense.
The only way that this bastard could have committed these murders is if he had inside knowledge of police procedure.
Oh, for Christ's sake, it's no' wan of us again, is it? How many times can a serial killer turn oot to be wan o' the polis in the big twist? Who was it? Come on.
Youkilled all of them? Away and put yersel in a cell by yersel.
Go on.
The minute the gaffer said this investigation would be startin' on a Sunday and conclude on the following Friday, I should have known it'd be one of us.
It always is.
Why are you covered in blood? - Um - I'm tired of this.
Away and find a cell wi' your mate, go on.
But I've only killed two guys.
And only to get revenge for something that happened in a flashback.
I don't care.
Cell! Anybody else killed anybody? I want the truth! See ma wee, deaf, wheelchair-bound wife? She's tired of me comin' hame at night and staring oot the windae wi' a dark expression on ma face.
Nae mair twists.
Good.
Aye, never saw that wan comin', did ye? Aye, ye did, exactly.
Load of shite.
Load of shite.
Which one of the police is it this time? What do you want, beautiful, elegant lady? Um, can I have an Aero? Of course you can.
I would love to give you an Aero chocolate bar, that's my favourite chocolate, anyway, but I'd love to give you a taste too, anyway, you beautiful creature.
Right.
- That's 50 pence.
- Where's your brother today? He's having a day off today, anyway, he works too hard so I'm doing it all by myself today, anyway.
OK.
I'll get your change.
Psssst, doon here.
God, are you all right? Of course I'm no' bloody all right.
My brother's tied me up.
Untie me.
- What you looking at, anyway? - Nothing.
Look at my stupid, rubbish, idiot brother.
He's all tied up.
He can't even escape, anyway.
You've gone too far this time, Walter.
- Do you want me to untie him? - Yes! No, don't untie him.
He's just practising his party piece, anyway - he's an escape man, anyway.
I am bloody not an escape man.
You are an escape man! I should probably untie him.
Just shut up and eat your chocolate, you ugly pig.
Walter, what have I told you about speaking to our ugly customers like that? Shut up, escape man.
You can't even break oot o' some rope.
I'm so strong I can break oot of a crisp.
Well, a corn snack, maybe not a tottie crisp, but Hey, come back with my chocolate, - you smelly article.
- I bought it.
Walter, will you let me back inside the van, please? What do you say, anyway? Please.
What's the password, anyway? The password is Mammy loves Walter the best.
OK, you can come back inside.
Thank you.
You know I love you, Walter.
I know, anyway.
I'll reel you in.
You'll what? Walter! Come on! Oh, I've got a big wan now, anyway.
All right, Sawney boy? - Just the usual? - Nah.
Surprise me.
Surprise ye? - I'll get ye a pint.
- Och, no.
I'm sick of pints.
Pint, pint, pint, pint.
Surprise me.
- I'll get you a pint.
- I don't want a pint.
But you like pints.
That's the thing.
I don't even really like pints.
But you're always drinking pints.
But that's society, though, in't it? I mean, that's just you been conditioned into asking for what a guy like me asks for in a pub.
A pint.
Well, nae mair.
Surprise me.
You want me to shite in a glass and gie ye that? Is that surprise enough for you? Just gie me somethingexotic.
Well, I don't even know what hauf these things are.
What's that one? I'll try that.
Gin.
Gie it a shake.
What if I try? You've got me.
All right, you've got me.
I don't know how to pour any other drinks.
I've been in this pub that long the only thing I know how to pour is pints, right? I don't know what measures to use, I don't know what goes with what.
I'm no' very well educated, am I, huh? Big man in campus wi' your gin.
Listen, you drink in ma pub, you drink pints, all right? I've just won myself a holiday, boys.
I think I'll celebrate wi' a wee piña colada.
If you're gonnae be working for the Burnistoun Herald, son, you need to know what we're all aboot.
Other newspapers promise you tomorrow's news today.
But our motto is tomorrow's news yesterday.
Tomorrow's news yesterday.
Yes.
And today is Wednesday, so that means we're printing Thursday's news.
No, no.
Tomorrow's news, yes, but yesterday.
Wednesday Thurs Friday's news! Yes.
Get out! Max, get in here.
What have you got for me, son? Burnistoun United manager Davie Soylent, he's been caught having an affair.
I like it.
When did this happen? - Today.
- Today? What's this newspaper's motto? Tomorrow's news yesterday.
Did I say today? I meant to say it happened tomorrow.
Tomorrow's news yesterday, Max, no' tomorrow's news today.
I mean, it's Friday's news, because if you print it tomorrow, then tomorrow's tomorrow is Friday.
As it should be, yes.
Which means the story broke on tomorrow's yesterday, which is today.
- So it's today's news.
- Yes.
Then it should have been printed on Monday.
Somebody should have been sitting here on Monday morning saying, "Wonderful, this is tomorrow's news, and I read it yesterday.
" No, no, that's no' right either, because if he says on Monday that he read it yesterday, that means that he read it on Sunday.
But I I don't even understand ma ain motto noo because of you pair.
Haud on, I'll get Julie in here - she's much like masel, a good man for details.
Julie, could you step in here, please? Julie, what the hell does tomorrow's news yesterday mean? It means we print tomorrow's news yesterday.
See? Simple.
Tomorrow's news, Thursday's news, yesterday, on Tuesday.
That's it.
So what are we supposed to be working on just now? Well Oh, I Right, right, picture this.
Right, our reader's sitting there on a Tuesday morning reading Thursday's news.
Right? And he's smiling a big satisfied grin and he's saying to hissel, "Good old Burnistoun Herald allowing me to me read tomorrow's news yesterday.
" No! That would mean he'd have read the news on a Monday.
What in God's name's happening here? Look, it's simple.
We always print tomorrow's news yesterday.
When tomorrow's news comes, we've already printed it one day ago.
So, we're printing newspapers people have already read already? - Nae wonder naebody's buying them.
- Naw.
Look, Davie Soylent has an affair.
The news breaks on the Wednesday.
But we've already printed that on the Monday.
So what do I dae wi' this story? You heard the boy.
Print it on Monday just past's newspaper.
But how do I dae that? Don't ask me.
You're the writer.
Sorry, that's ma mobile.
Sorry about that.
Where was I? Aye? I hear you've been doin' your Bob-a-Job through flairs 11 to 22.
What aboot it? I guess you're new round here.
I dae the Bob-a-Job through flairs 10 up.
No' any mair.
If I hear of you moppin' the landing outside Mrs Muir's hoose again, I'll mop the landing outside your hoose.
You widnae have the baws on ye.
And you think I'm gonnae gie you a bob for this job?! You think I'm no' gonnae be doon moppin' your landing? I already mopped it.
Then I'll Hoover your carpets and I'll dust your blinds and I'll sew the button back on yer duffel coat, and yer maw'll love it.
Don't talk that filth about ma maw.
I'm the only wan that Bob-a-Jobs ma maw.
McGrief! Tina.
You let a McGrief do a Job for a Bob on our landing? I wasnae gonnae gie him a bob.
That Boy Scout was gonnae do what he was telt.
And I'm telling you.
What?! Maybe I'll go doon and Bob-a-Job your whole landing for ye? Maybe I'll iron yer da's shirts.
My da' disnae even agree wi' lassies being in the Scouts.
Think he's gonnae let you go Bob-a-Job on his shirts?! Aye.
What are these, then? I've already ironed them.
Yer da' says ye didnae dae it right.
But then he never, ever gave you that ironing badge, did he? How much did he pay you to Bob-a-Job his shirts? A bob.
He only paid me hauf a bob.
Oh, I'm finished wi' the Scouts.
But I'm no finished wi' yous two.
You, you work all night #And when you're working You feel all right #And when When things stop feeling all right #And everything is all right Cos we will never listen to your rules - # No! - # We will never do as others do - # No! - # Know what we want #And we get it from you #Do what we like And we like what we do - #So let's get a party going - # Let's get a party going Now it's time to party And we'll party hard - # Let's get a party going - # Let's get a party going When it's time to party We will always party hard Party hard Party hard Party hard, party hard Party hard Party hard Party hard, party hard Party hard Party hard Party hard, party hard Party, party, party hard Party hard! #All right! # There are no two ways to tell you this, Mr Kelly.
I'm afraid that your illness is terminal.
Actually, there are two ways I could have told you.
I could have told you over the phone.
That would be a second way.
- You could have sent me a letter.
- True.
True.
That's three.
Er, e-mail? Aye, aye, that's, er, that's four.
- Um - Um You could have hired one of these aeroplanes with a banner thing on the back of them.
"You're dying.
" That's five.
Or even a smoke trail.
A smoke trail would have been cool.
That's six.
Just let me grab a note pad here and I'll, er - Er - What else? There's your salt and vinegar crisps.
Ta.
Got anymedicinals? - Just your usual? - Aye.
Got any mair? Naw, that's all I've got the noo, actually.
Do you want the plant? Aye.
And maybe something a wee bit stronger.
Cocaine? Aye.
Gie's, er11 kilos.
You're gonnae need something to guard all that stuff wi', mate.
Aye.
- Kalashnikov? - Aye, gie's that.
I've got some poppy seeds as well, if you want to get into the opium.
Aye, I've got some o' them.
But I've no really got the expertise to cultivate a poppy field.
Aye.
Er - An Afghan poppy farmer? - Aye.
- How much is that? - Er 678,335 quid, mate.
Right.
D'ye take gingies? Oh, aye, of course, aye.