Californication s01e04 Episode Script

- Father? - Daughter? Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom? What are you talking about, revenge? Don't make it like it wasn't the least bit satisfying to fuck the wife of the man who turned your "precious little book" into a big, shitty movie.
Sick of you talking shit about me in the press.
I thought you came because you found out I fucked your wife.
Asshole.
Charlie Runkel's office.
Your assistant makes me want to touch myself in a bad place.
But from now on, if I make a mistake or I screw something up, you should feel free to discipline me in whatever way you see fit.
- Hi.
Remember me? - How could I forget? - Best blind date of my life, asshole.
- Let me make it up to you.
Can I take you out sometime? The guy you saw me with last night is married.
Fucking a married a guy for 5 years? Call him whatever you want.
He can stay with me.
Once upon a time, I used to love you.
And no matter what, you will always be a part of my life.
But I'm not in love with you anymore.
Yusef, what's a five-letter word for "excitable boy"? Zevon.
Booyah.
That's a smart dog.
So - last night.
- What about it? I don't want to be hyperbolic or anything, but I think we took things to a whole other level.
And why do you feel the need to relive it the next morning? That's half the fun.
You know, it's like getting to do it all over again.
Except without the after-sex sadness that comes down upon one.
Hank, I think we need to talk.
Talk, really? Has anything good ever come of such a thing ever? We've been spending a lot of time in the bedroom, which is nice, very nice.
But I'm also just coming out of this horribly dysfunctional relationship that only existed in the bedroom You want me to do you in the shower.
I get it.
You want to go out on the town with some Hank on your arm.
You want to stroll around with some of this.
That's totally understandable.
We can do it.
We can go out.
Anything.
Anything you want to do.
We'll do it.
Just name it.
Let's go.
Right now.
- Okay, there's this fund-raiser.
- No, can't do that.
That sounds excruciating.
I won't do that.
It's your agency.
You must be invited.
And I'm sure it went right in the circular file.
Come on, it'll be fun.
It's for a good cause.
Well, I'm not much one for causes, good or otherwise.
I'm not a joiner.
- Apathy kills, Hank.
- I don't care.
Does that feel like apathy to you? You look half, you know, halfway decent.
Thanks.
How's Becca? - Well, she's a little bummed.
- Well, that's understandable, - but this thing came up.
- I know, but she's just - Dad.
- Beautiful daughter.
- Gee, I don't know where that - A bribe? No, I like to think of it more as a token of my paternal affection.
Are you serious? This is awesome! Just when I thought we'd agreed not to get her a cell phone.
I thought we decided that, too, but then I realized she can call me whenever she's pissed at you and lurch, so changed my mind.
Do you have a date? - I do.
- Do you like her? - She is pretty cool.
- As cool as mom? Sadly, I have come to find that that is not possible.
Well, if it's a date and not just a random hookup, - I guess I approve.
- Yes! But I wanna hear all about her tomorrow.
Absolutely.
Call me.
I can't believe you.
So Stop it.
The date.
- Are you in love? - Shut up.
Where are you taking her? Red Lobster? Denny's? I wish.
I got this fucking fund-raiser at the agency I got roped into going to.
Fascist architecture.
Can I ask you a question? - Go for it.
- What are we doing here? - Mixing and mingling.
- That's what I thought.
That explains why my sphincter tightened up a couple notches.
Relax.
There's your agent.
- What the fuck? - What's the problem? You know how much I hate that motherfucker.
Yes, I know how much you hate that A-list, in-demand motherfucker.
But I've been trying to sign him for years.
Don't make me fire your ass all over again.
Hank, if I depended on you and you alone for my commissions, Marcy and I would be sharing a TV dinner under a bare light bulb right now.
OK but don't do it in front of me.
It's like watching you cheat on me with another man.
You give much better head.
Always have, always will.
I am impressed.
I can't believe you managed to drag this nonpartisan asshole - out of the house for this shindig.
- I had to use all of my feminine wiles.
And a butt plug.
Speaking of which where's Marcy? Emergency waxing session.
As we speak, she's likely staring into the business end of Angelina’s vagina.
Let's take a time-out while I meditate on that for a few moments.
You do that.
I see a friend.
You come find me.
I'm sorry.
did you say something? I told you, man.
You just needed to meet a nice girl.
- She's not so nice.
- Naughty? Do I ask you about Marcy's - sexual proclivities? - Yes, all the time.
It's odd, actually.
So, what are we talking about here? A little "S&M"? A little light "B&D"? Slow down, tiger.
Morticia.
Call me Hank, please.
- So, do you still need me? - Did you finish reading the manuscript? - Did you write your coverage on it yet? - No, not yet.
Then, I think you just answered your own question.
- Back to work.
- Yes, sir.
Anything you want to tell me about there, captain? Please.
I'm a married man.
Anything you want to tell me about there, captain? Can we agree not to throw down while we have our cocks out? Really? Yours is out? - Fag.
- I'm done fighting you, Moody.
This from a man who had a six-pack of whoop-ass opened up on him last week.
I couldn't hurt you if I wanted to.
You're your own worst enemy.
That is a very astute observation coming from a dumb guy.
Did me a big favor, actually.
Got me out of a horrible fucking marriage.
You and Sandy splitting the sheets? Do tell.
That bitch is crazy.
Last time I ever marry a fucking white woman.
I'm with you there.
- Well, how'd she take it? - Haven't told her.
- Thinking about doing it tonight.
- Here? she's here? That's right.
There she is.
The former Mrs.
Moody.
I was never officially a Moody.
You were moody.
You just weren't a Moody.
You could've made me less moody if you'd made me into a Moody.
- I'll make you a Moody right now.
- It's too late.
- It's 4 hours to Vegas.
- No, it's too late.
We'll stop in Barstow, in-n-out burgers, shakes, fries, celebratory coupling, which I believe is part of our sordid sexual history.
You know, it's very tempting, but I'm gonna have to say no.
But thank you.
Over.
Could you be on your best behavior tonight? Please, please.
Like a child you talk to me.
What do you think I'll do? - You are a child.
- Stir the punch with my dong? Quite possibly, yes.
And that's the thing with you, Hank.
One never knows what to expect from you or your dong.
And how is this not a virtue? You know, honey, you do look beautiful tonight.
Well, that's Thank you.
Thank you.
Stop it! No.
You just said you would behave.
Bill is around the corner.
- Okay, come on.
We can be adults.
- It just gets so lonely sometimes.
I need a hug in a moment, the moment passes, and I'm good.
Smell you later.
- You finished yet? - Putting it together right now.
Bring it to me in my office.
U.
T.
K.
Charlie Runkel's office.
It's your wife.
Hey, baby.
Yeah, it's going well.
How about you? How is Angelina's cookie? Really? Well, that's one of the benefits of adoption.
You know what? You're you're breaking up.
Yeah, you're You're I'm losing you, babe.
Okay, got to go.
Tell me what to do.
What if you don't wanna do what I tell you to do? I think you're missing the point.
Thank you.
There you are.
Hank Moody, please say hello to my colleague Jonathan Mandel and his lovely wife, Nikki.
- Hank Moody? The writer? - I used to be.
Now I'm Hank Moody the blogger, soon to be Hank Moody the bartender.
Meredith turned me on to your blog.
- Highly entertaining, Hank.
- Well, that's what I do.
I entertain.
I'd be interested to see what you write about this little shindig.
Well, just off the top of my head I find interesting to hear these people ranting and raving about saving the environment when they'll probably blow like 10 000 pounds of fuel on their private jet planes getting down to Cabo this weekend.
That's right, babs.
You heard me.
Tell Oprah I said so.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, ladies.
- Meredith, can I get you another drink? - Will you excuse us? - Your writing is so good.
- Well, Thank you.
I'm a bit of a scribbler myself, you know? Nikki Man That Nikki Mandel.
You write all that Hollywood, trophy, - clit-lit stank, don't you? - That's me.
Masturbation material for the North of Montana hausfrau.
You had me at masturbation.
- I was hoping so.
- You got me all wet.
The trick is coming up with good story ideas.
I would imagine.
I'm always on the lookout for new material - if you know what I mean.
- It's hard not to know what you mean, especially when you're being so subtle about it.
Doesn't pay to be a wallflower.
You and your husband seem fine.
- What's the deal? - Looks can be deceiving.
Those two have been playing grab-ass for years now.
"I see," said the blind man.
Excuse me a moment.
Can I talk to you for a second? - What are you doing? - What are you doing? No, what are you doing? That's married guy.
Come on.
- I didn't know he was gonna be here.
- Come on.
Okay, I knew.
I'm sorry.
I don't care.
It's still a lie.
Look, you want to create a fuss with me? That's fine.
I'm listening.
I'm kid chaos.
I'll create some chaos for you.
How? How? I want to be a 40-year-old virgin.
Why? Because it seems like, once you get laid, your life basically turns to shit.
It's not so bad.
You've had the sex? Sure.
What's it like? Good.
Bad.
Weird.
Powerful.
I don't know.
Look, don't worry about this stuff.
You got plenty of time.
- Watch the hair.
- Sorry.
You Miss your dad, don't you? I Miss my mom.
For what it's worth, I know my mom really likes you.
I like her, too.
It's just not the same, you know? Do you like Bill? Sure.
He's nice.
But he's not like Hank.
Seriously, you're really lucky.
Nice.
- Watch it! - Well, thank you.
Great! - You could look where you're going.
- And you could be a bit less of a cunt.
- What did you say? - What did I say? I cunt hear you.
Back it up, lady! What the hell happened here? The guy spills his drink on me, then he called me a cunt.
I didn't say a word! I bumped into her.
My bad.
- You liar! Yes, you did! - She just freaked out on me.
You should've come and get me.
- I can take care of myself.
Thank you.
- Clearly.
Sweetie, this is hardly the time or the place for a scene.
Can't we all just get along? I'm not looking to press charges or anything.
- Get off of me.
- He's trying to be decent.
No.
He's trying to be a dick.
You want me to have him thrown out? Just say the word and I will.
I don't.
I just want to go.
Now, look, there's a couple I want you to meet.
Turns out they bought that house you re-did.
There we go.
Turn.
Come on, lean forward.
Yeah, just like that.
Just like that.
Look at you, you dirty, little animal.
- Like this? - Yes.
I missed.
Yes, look at that.
- Holy fucknuts! - Shit! - What, don't you fucking knock? - Don't you lock? Why don't you go grab him some water or something? Take it easy there, Diane Arbus.
Don't have a coronary, 'cause I wouldn't know how to explain that to your wife.
It's all right.
Maybe it's time to punch out there, Bettie Page.
Here.
First things first You're not gonna stroke out on me, are you? Good.
You just relax.
It's all good.
It was me.
You're lucky it was me coming in that door, huh? Look at me, look at me.
Let me see those eyes.
Yeah, you're good, you're good.
- What the fuck? - What the fuck were you thinking fucking around with your secretary? "How much of a big fat cliché can I be"? She started it, man.
Come on.
I guess I - got a little carried away.
- You think? I don't even know what happened, man.
One minute, I am sailing along, I'm being the guy who would never, ever cheat on his wife.
The next second, I'm spanking the bare, naked ass of a 22-year-old girl.
I'm not gonna be judgmental, because, a/ Who the fuck am I to talk? and b/ What you just described sounds incredibly hot.
But you got to get your shit together.
All right? You owe it to Marcy.
I know.
I'm such a fucking asshole, man.
If anybody deserves to be disciplined, it's me.
It's not an invitation.
If you're having problems in the boudoir, it's worth a conversation with the old lady.
I'm afraid that ship sailed some time ago.
I don't know, you know, Marcy, to me, is nothing if not a dirty, little girl.
I think, with all due respect, if you talk to her, I think she'd be into some seriously freaky shit.
Big boy.
You're not crying, are you? - A little bit.
Jesus Christ.
- May I have another glass of wine? - Hey! Time to hang up your drinking shoes, lady.
You love me, don't you, Hank? I've certainly grown very fond of you.
- But I think that's - Let me guess.
It's a little early for this particular discussion.
Something like that, yeah.
We'll probably never make it to this particular discussion.
Why do you say that? Well, when you've spent the last five years loving a man and wondering why he doesn't love you back you tend to get a wee bit cynical about things.
You stay right here and you hydrate.
I'll be right back.
What'd you say? You need a double dose of Viagra to get wood and you wear a fanny pack on the weekends.
- Think you're pretty clever, don't you? - You wanna fuck around, fine.
Fuck around all you want, I'm no judge Judy.
But don't string a woman along for a major chunk of her childbearing years.
That's not cool.
- Who are you? Don Quixote? - No, I'm not even Don fucking Knotts.
- I'm a big fan of the lady in question.
- That's incredibly noble, considering how the lady in question talks about you.
I was curious, because despite what you say, I do care about her, So, I asked, "Who is he? Is this someone I need to worry about?" You know what she said? "Him? He's nobody, a loser, "someone to pass the time with when I'm not in bed with you.
" So, maybe you're the one who needs to be cut loose, pal.
- You're very lucky, my friend.
- And why is that? 'Cause I promised someone I'd be on my best behavior.
Fucking fucker! - My God! - What are you doing? I'm glad we came.
That was fun.
You're funny.
There you go.
You're good, you're good.
- Proud of me? - Almost never, but, yeah, I approve.
No, no.
My behavior me and my dong.
- Well-behaved.
- Right good.
- Did nothing.
- Congratulations.
You are proud of me.
Did you have a good night? Yeah, I did.
For a radical environmentalist such as yourself, this whole evening must have given you a clit-boner.
You're disgusting.
See you next Tuesday! Fuck you! What is that? What are you doing? He's just a classy guy.
He called me a cunt.
- This guy called you a cunt? - I dealt with it.
I dealt with it.
It's okay, I just want to Excuse me.
Good night.
Good night.
- Hey.
- Hey, mom.
I'm sorry.
Go back to sleep.
- Mom? - Yeah? Can I ask you something? Anything, my love.
Do you love Bill? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Do you love dad? Yes because we have you in common.
I mean I don't love him in that butterflies-in-the-tummy way anymore.
I mean not in the way that we love Johnny Depp, definitely not.
Right.
Is dad a bad person? No, not at all.
He does have a habit of getting himself and everyone else around him into trouble sometimes, but Bill is a good person, sweetie.
You know, he's kind, he's smart, and he really He thinks things through.
I love you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
It's been a long time since someone held my hair back as I puked.
It's been an honor and a privilege.
Care to join me? Whew, still kind of barfy.
Get some sleep.
Thank you.
It's what I do.
"B" to the "E" to the "C" to the "C" to the "A.
" - Hi, dad.
- What up, G? I called because I had a feeling you couldn't sleep.
Right as usual, my beautiful, precocious daughter.
Remember what you used to do for me when I couldn't sleep? Dose you with opiates?.
You'd look at the ocean and count the mermaids.
I did do that.
I'm a better father than I thought.
Maybe you should try that, and it will help.
Yeah.
One Two Three no, that's a sea lion.
Four Five Six no, that's a bum.
Seven Eight Nine no, that's Daryl Hannah.
Ten Eleven