Callan's Kicks s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Everyone in RTE is at The Galway Races spending the licence fee, which no-one pays any more.
Lights! Good evening and welcome to the show.
I'm Dobbo.
That wasn't my fault, by the way.
I'm not one to name names but you can see who's responsible for that cock-up in the end credits.
Coming up tonight, Taoiseach Enda Kenny attempts an interview.
An interview! Begod, the last interview I did was with that pit bull savage, Ryan Tubridy.
Neven Maguire shows us an easy dish you can whip up in just 3 weeks.
I would suggest some bonsai vegetables, reluctantly grown by an oppressed Tibetan monk who's taken a vow of silence.
Thank you.
Gerry and Mary Lou provo, sorry I mean prove that you can make a shinner.
Take this failed Fianna Fail councillor.
Useless, scared, confused.
Just like I was.
How do you know where I live? And Putin and Obama go head to head on Superpower Street.
Vlad, those cookies are the sovereign property of Chancellor Merkel here.
You must give them back.
Or else what? We will consider sanctions.
Sanction my big hairy Russian babushkas.
Sit back, relax, open up a Black Tower and slip into something more comfortable, like that jogger you've been lunging at all summer.
It's Friday night and this is Callan's Kicks.
Hello, Taoiseach's office.
No, I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello.
Taoiseach's office.
No, I'm afraid he's a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello Taoiseach's office.
I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello Taoiseach's office.
I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello Taoiseach's office.
I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Jesus.
Frank, are you alright? Phone an ambulance.
Well no.
The Taoiseach's phone won't let anyone call out.
Hold on.
I'll get help.
PHONE RINGS.
No Angela.
We can never be together.
(PHONE RINGING) Stop bugging me with your Troika.
Chicken! By God.
Hello.
This is the best small country in the world and we should do business.
Taoiseach? I didn't think you'd talk to the media.
The media.
Jeez, I haven't heard from ye boys in years.
Would you like to do an interview? An interview! By God, the last interview I did was with that pit bull savage, Ryan Tubridy.
He asked me what my favourite colour was and how often I go to the cinema.
I didn't know what to say so I ruled out a coalition with Sinn Fein.
This isn't The Late Late.
This is going to be a real interview.
No holds barred.
Yes.
I'll answer any question.
Cuts, health, reshuffle.
Everything on the table.
No bother whatsoever.
There's only one topic that is off limits.
The Mayo half-back line.
Okay then.
So I'll see you in RTE in an hour.
I'll see you there.
Where is it? Donnybrook.
I'll get down there myself as soon as I can.
Thank you very much for this by the way.
Frank.
Good man Frank.
Enjoying the old mid-morning nap.
A man after my own heart.
Listen, I'm going to go outside and meet my own people.
You stay there.
You're the type of fella this country needs.
Rest easy now.
Will Enda make it to the interview or will the handlers get him first? Find out later.
It's August and that means the football championship has finally started proper.
With a weekend of top quality football awaiting us in Croke Park, the burning question is, just by how many points will Dublin romp home with in the final.
There hasn't been an easier and more enjoyable romp since I hosted the Clare heats of The Rose of Tralee.
Go on Marty! Tonight, top tips for fans heading for Croker in my latest Marty's Chart-y.
It was 1951 and Mayo was thrice cursed.
Enda Kenny was born, Louis Walsh followed and a jinx was cast on the county team.
The victorious squad tried to shift John Wayne in a complicated dare involving a fainting goat, a bed pan and an unripened apple, during the filming of The Quiet Man.
An offended and swollen Wayne cursed them, vowing the country would be destroyed musically by Louis and economically by Enda and they would never win Sam again.
I curse ya! But if they did, there wouldn't be a bullock squeezed or a sister pleased in Foxford for a fortnight.
Up the kingdom! Kerry face Galway in the quarter-final on Sunday.
Kerry fans like Bridie Carty here will only travel for the final.
Although sometimes I think a decent semi is all you need.
I'm Bridie Carty and I like to party.
So confident are Kerry fans that she's already packed her lunch for that Sunday in September.
I made that sandwich back in March when the last Fungi died.
Well Kerry's had more Fungis than I've had hot camogie players.
Kerry for Sam! And if they do there won't be a loud yank served in a Killarney restaurant for a fortnight.
Now for number 1 on Marty's Chart-y.
Tomorrow the frightened and ignorant people of Monaghan come on a rare visit to Croke Park to gape in awe at modern wonders like traffic lights and employment.
Where's D2 hi? We're going to Flannery's.
No.
They'll still be in those jerseys come Monday.
Easter Monday.
And if they beat Kildare they'll get hammered mercilessly by Dubliners, both in Croker and in Coppers.
And that's it from Marty's Chart-y.
It's goodbye from me, from her, her and why not, both of you too.
It's goodnight, good luck, take care cos I'm off for a Marty's pop-up party.
Beauty is.
.
a word.
It's in the dictionary between beaver and beautician.
It's laughing.
When I get the royalty cheque to one of those books I would never read.
It's being paid truckloads of money to wear Celtic tiger jewellery made somewhere in the Midlands I wouldn't be caught dead in.
I think the best beauty tip is have a nice face.
And make sure you always have lots of money.
Shiny things make me smile.
Welcome back.
The top stories this evening.
Bertie Ahern has been dispatched to Ukraine to broker a peace deal in the war torn region.
The country's endured two world wars, a Soviet and a German invasion but my God, nothing's going to prepare them for this.
Meanwhile in unrelated news, Ukraine's economy has collapsed after Mr.
Ahern's presence created a property bubble in a week.
But breweries have reported a roaring trade while Boyle Sports opened 17 new stores in Kiev.
Irish firm Penneys is in trouble after its sister clothing chain Primark used emaciated mannequins with protruding rib cages in Scotland.
To be fair, it wasn't how the company thinks women should look.
They was just modelled on their workers in Bangladesh.
Finally, I'm forced for some God awful reason to report that Skellig Michael is being used for the new Star Wars movie.
Details are being kept under wraps to avoid spoilers.
Well here's a spoiler.
You're a 40 year old and it's a kid's film starring a gay robot, a generic Gleeson and Carrie Fisher, who lost her mind and her looks in the 1970's.
Bee blop blop.
I'm your father.
Go away and come back to me when you've got some real news.
We'll have more later.
I loved growing up in the culinary capital world that is Cavan.
We cooked everything, from the full Irish breakfast to the Ulster fry.
That's just six sausages.
Back then life was simple, cooking was simple and thanks to small population in-breeding, I myself was simple.
It was a time when bacon fries were considered exotic, Carlow was yet to be electrified and a man could eat uncooked fish off a model without ending up on Joe Duffy.
So today we're going to cook a really simple meal.
You can find the recipe for this in my brand new cookbook, Cooking Stuff with Neven Maguire.
Available now in paperback and in pop-up.
All you need, as simple as anything, is aged balsamic vinegar and some quality assured Bord Bia venison.
First things first.
You have to score the venison.
I'm not talking the type of scoring that people do with their cousins above in Cavan.
Also don't forget you have to tenderise the meat.
You can use a Victorian rolling pin for this but you'd only be letting yourself down.
No.
What I prefer to use is this 12th Century morning star.
This is what we like to use in the restaurant above in Cavan.
Beautiful.
Alternatively you can the meat tenderised by having it chewed by a teething child.
You can find out more about this in my other new cookbook, Chewing Stuff with Neven Maguire.
Now for the glazing.
All you have to do is use this very simple honey from an Albanian albino bee.
Pop it into a pottery bowl filled with blue Babylon cheese.
It really brings out the flavour of the glazing if the bowl is crafted by a virgin yet to feel the tender loving touch of a woman.
A Donal Skehan bowl if you will.
If you're just stuck, you can use Easi Singles.
Donal Skehan would! Ireland is renowned for its locally sourced organic fruit and veg, which will be great for our simple dish if you want it to taste of disappointment.
I would suggest some bonsai vegetables, reluctantly grown by an oppressed Tibetan monk who's taken a vow of silence.
Thank you Nngatric.
Now, the easiest way for yis to cut yisr vegetables is by using the mythical sword of the King of Ulster.
Simple as that there now.
This is what we use in the restaurant above in Cavan.
Reservations are still available.
You can get them online.
One last thing to do, we have to season our venison.
You can use salt and pepper but I prefer the breath of a menstruating lesser spotted Irish warthog.
Be calm, my noble beast.
All yis have to do finally is cook the meat.
Simply flick on the oven and if you don't know how to do that, you can find out all about it in my new book, Neven Maguire's How To Turn Stuff On.
Before you know it, after you preheat to 3,000 degrees and cook it for 6 weeks in a leap year, you have a dish proud to serve to anyone.
Just a little bit of garnish there.
Finally, in our next episode I'll be showing you my simple twist on a ham and cheese toasty which only takes 3 months and 6,000 euro to make.
See yis next week.
I'll have three more books out by then.
Betty bought a bit of butter.
The bit of butter Betty bought was bitter.
So Betty brought the bitter.
.
What?! Don't worry.
This isn't an Aengus Mac Grianna blooper moment.
There's just no fing news.
Shove that up your YouTube.
Coming up after the break, some of this.
Where's my latte? I'm supposed to have security on this trip.
I'm the first RTE presenter to go northside since Charlie Bird was attacked at the Love Ulster parade.
He was never the same after that.
Then he let a seal ride him.
A very odd man.
We'll see you in two minutes.
Hello there.
Are you sick and tired of being a failed politician? Are you getting no respect on the back benches? Is your political party getting a punishment beating at the polls? Well, it's time for a change.
Join Sinn Fein.
Welcome to Operation Transformation.
Transformers.
Shinners in disguise! I know what you're thinking.
Join Sinn Fein.
Are you taking the complete PSNI? A police force which I voluntarily co-operated with because I've nothing to hide.
Don't take my word for it.
Who would? Just ask former Fianna Fail member turned winner shinner, Mary Lou McDonald.
When I was in Fianna Fail I was loud, crass and I couldn't even get elected.
True.
Then I joined Sinn Fein and I became Vice President.
Can you believe it! Now I've a mansion in Cabra, I'm on Vincent Brown all the time and I finally got elected.
And I didn't even have to join the pro.
Proud of you Mary Lou.
I know what you're thinking.
How can you a be success story just like her.
Take this failed Fianna Fail councillor.
Useless, scared, confused.
Just like I was.
How do you know where I live? In just 3 simple steps we're going to transform him into a winner shinner.
Where's my chips? Step 1, the name.
What's your name? Peter John Kilbride.
Oh no, no, no.
No.
No.
No.
The name is very important.
For example.
Cad is ainm duit? Of course the northy accent.
.
Can I just ask you.
.
Hold on second.
I didn't interrupt you so kindly don't interrupt me.
Okay? See, I'm teaching you.
Now you try.
I didn't interrupt you so I.
.
No.
No.
No.
Think this calls for drastic measures Gerry.
Let's call in the lads.
The lads? No.
No.
No.
It's just a TV.
Fine.
No! No! It's a big shopping centre in Ballymena hi.
Winner shinner.
Okay, we're nearly there.
There's one thing that every shinner must have.
And it's not a shady past.
Like mine in Fianna Fail.
Or spending 30 years denying responsibility for acts of violence or criminality.
No.
It's a beard! Ta-da! Winner shinner.
Oh my chips are back.
Transformation complete.
Peadair Sean now comes with his very own Sinn Fein stock phrases.
We are all to blame.
We are all to blame.
I love that one.
Fianna Fail.
IRA.
Boyzone.
And Jean McConville.
.
Had a laissez-faire attitude to her own security.
ALL: Winner shinner! Join us next week on Operation Transformation.
Transformers! Shinners in disguise! Previously.
.
Hello.
Would you like to do an interview? I'll see you there.
(BEEPING) What's this? For the love of.
.
Red alert! The ginger nut has escaped the packet.
A whole new world.
A new fantastic point of view.
No-one to tell us no or where to go or say we're only dreaming.
Oh f.
Hello Michael.
How are you? Thank God Enda.
Where are you? I'll send the handlers to get you.
Don't speak to any strangers or journalists.
I just popped outside to do a quick media interview.
Hold on.
You can only do live puff pieces.
Whatever you do, don't mention the water charges.
All topics are open for discussion.
Ah jays, they'll ask about Brian Purcell and the Dept.
of Justice and you firing the Garda Commissioner.
Sorry Michael, I'm losing you there.
I'll send someone to get you.
Don't hang up! The person you are dialling has run out of credit.
Please leave an email after the tone.
BEEP! Meet some of my people.
How are you doing? Oi Enda.
You're a traitor.
Property tax, medical cards, water charges.
You're not from Ireland at all.
I am.
I had to fucking emigrate.
Well I've some good news for you.
The water's feckin' free.
Nice chatting to you.
A whole new world.
A new fantastic point of view.
Brendan O'Carroll himself, what.
Are you really sure you're allowed do this? Absolutely.
I'm the big daddy.
I'm ready for anything.
This is a real interview though, about actual issues.
You're allowed do that, yeah? Yes.
I was thinking we could talk about things like your botched reshuffle.
Are you okay with that? Yes.
Lovely hurling.
The banking enquiry fiasco? No problem at all.
Okay and then health.
There's a lot of problems with health and I'd like to get really down into some details there.
The roll-out of free GP care and then there's the constant budget over-runs.
And there's the nurses issue.
A&E.
Enda? Enda? Hello Taoiseach's office.
No, I'm afraid he's a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Not on top again.
Ah, Michael Collins would be proud.
Won't be long now till the pension.
Hi.
I'm Derek Mooney and I earn 220,000 euro a year.
That makes me an expert on everything.
In this new series, I'll be talking off the top of my head about The Secrets Of The Irish Landscape.
Sometimes as a journalist there are things you have to do for the greater good.
I could no longer ignore the humanitarian crisis that no-one else in the media's willing to talk about or visit.
Today I'm going to see the smoking ruins of Dublin's northside.
Where's my latte? I'm supposed to have security on this trip.
I'm the first RTE presenter to go northside since Charlie Bird was attacked at the Love Ulster parade.
He was never the same after that.
Then he let a seal ride him.
A very odd man.
The Customs House is fantastic.
Designed by James Gandon as an upmarket madhouse, it still serves this purpose as the seat of local government in Ireland.
Originally of course on the southside, it was gifted to the northside along with Howth, in exchange for Sallynoggin and free access to the airport.
A travesty which Gay Byrne lives with to this very day.
Customs House.
What custom is that? Going shirtless on a sunny day in March, getting Viles Disease swimming in the Liffey or injecting your toe with heroin? Because they're the only customs I see around here.
That and traffic jams.
Now let's enter the 20th Century and Dublin's version of Staten Island.
Busaras is fantastic.
The suspiciously award-winning architectural wonder serves at a gateway for young people emigrating from the regions, where hope and electricity are in short supply.
It also houses the Department of Social Protection, for reasons unknown on Wikipedia.
Award-winning my aras.
Even by northside standards it's an eyesore.
And people round here think pyjamas are formalwear.
I just saw a LUAS go by.
They've stolen it from the southside.
Give it back.
I need to get to Windy Arbour.
Now let's zoom to the boom years of the early 21st Century where almost anything seemed like a good idea.
I'm allergic to the traditional local beverages of Dutch Gold or Yop.
Luckily though, I brought supplies.
The Convention Centre Dublin is fantastic.
It's a stunning centrepiece of the new docklands and was built for a paltry half a billion euro.
Today it brings in literally hundreds of visitors to Dublin and is expected to break even as early as the year 3022.
What a shit hole.
It looks like it's sinking and no-one ever comes here.
They may as well nail the doors shut and it cost 460 million euro.
You could run RTE on that for 2 years.
Now it's about time we went back and had a good look at our tits in the privacy of RTE.
Taxi! But no architectural wonder compares to the leafy beauty of Dublin 4.
Viewers hoping to catch a glimpse of my amazing tits should have their Kleenex at the ready.
Tragedy has struck.
The lights of my webcam short-circuited and now my tits are on fire.
My tits are burning and it feels truly terrible.
So sad.
As I walked away from the smouldering wreckage of my tits, I was in mourning.
But then I remembered my tits might be gone but at least I'll always have Mooney's money.
Bye! Hi Angela.
Guttentag Barack.
Monsieur Obama.
Hi Francois.
Oh hello everybody.
Hello Barack.
You're looking well.
Grovel grovel.
Shut it Cameron.
Let me be clear.
I wanna tell you folks about this great new thing called a selfie.
Amazyballs.
Let me try Barack.
Zip it Cameron.
How does it vork, this selfie? A bunch of us stand real close together and we take a photo.
Let's do it.
Okay, come closer.
Cheese.
Cheese.
This is ridiculous photograph.
Foolish Putin.
You should be shirtless riding bear or judo, tossing man off.
Vlad, do you always toss off other men? Yeah.
I try to toss off one maybe two men, every day.
Do you let other men toss you off? I don't let them but sometimes it happens.
How many men would you say you've tossed off? I've tossed off many, many thousands of proud Russian men.
So how's the whole anti-gay thing working out? Very well.
Why you ask? Why you laugh? Why are you laughing?! I invented judo.
I am world champion.
I toss you off.
Hi-yah! Drat.
It's that blasted North Korean maniac.
Shut it Cameron.
I created internet.
I am fastest man in the world.
Ya! Ya! Ya! Everyone freeze.
If you ignore him he will go away.
Freeze.
Where everybody go? They disappear.
It is conspiracy.
Hi-yah! Thank goodness he's gone.
He's an a-hole.
Yeah, he's a total ass bottom face.
Fist bump me.
Maybe not.
Hold on unt second.
Who took mein cookies? It was the savage who took them.
Vladimir, what are you doing? Those are my cookies.
No they are not.
Yes they are.
Give zem back.
Cookies came to me of their own volition, in totally free and open democratic process.
What's that cookies? You want to be eaten by Russian.
Unt outrage.
Do something Barack.
As the world's policeman, I will sort it out.
Now he vill be sorry.
Vlad, those cookies are the sovereign property of Chancellor Merkel here.
You must give them back.
Or else what? We will consider sanctions.
Sanction my big hairy Russian babushkas.
Let me be clear.
I will take action.
I will unfriend you on Facebook or restrict your access to Game Of Thrones Season 5.
Useless American.
Shove it up your Sputnik.
Oh dear, oh dear.
I need new challenge now.
I go judo.
Toss off bear.
Bye bye.
He's getting away, again.
We'll soon see about that.
Look what I have.
Vot are you going to do? Vots app him to death with unt sad face? I'm gonna do what every freedom loving democrat uses to solve world problems.
Vot? Unmanned illegal drone strike.
Wowser balls Barack.
You show us how it's done.
Fire.
Look out for the.
.
Oops.
That was a wedding.
Here we go.
Try again.
Mein God.
Yeah America.
Hurrah.
Let's whup some bottom.
Are you alright Dave? I'm fine Barack.
I'm okay.
As long as I can to hang out with you.
Suck und lick spitter.
British lapdog.
Let me be clear.
That's all we have time for today.
Don't forget, you back home, we may be muppets but you're the muppets who voted us in.
Bye.
Auf wiedersehen.
Au revoir.
Dasvidaniya.
Well it is if the rumours about Enda and Merkel are true.
Oh there you are.
That's all we've time for.
Log onto Callan's Kicks Facebook and Twitter to watch the full uncut Superpower Street.
Next week we're live from the Dublin Horse Show and get a horrifying glimpse into the world of Nicky Byrne.
Goodnight and go back to sleep Ireland.
Lights! Good evening and welcome to the show.
I'm Dobbo.
That wasn't my fault, by the way.
I'm not one to name names but you can see who's responsible for that cock-up in the end credits.
Coming up tonight, Taoiseach Enda Kenny attempts an interview.
An interview! Begod, the last interview I did was with that pit bull savage, Ryan Tubridy.
Neven Maguire shows us an easy dish you can whip up in just 3 weeks.
I would suggest some bonsai vegetables, reluctantly grown by an oppressed Tibetan monk who's taken a vow of silence.
Thank you.
Gerry and Mary Lou provo, sorry I mean prove that you can make a shinner.
Take this failed Fianna Fail councillor.
Useless, scared, confused.
Just like I was.
How do you know where I live? And Putin and Obama go head to head on Superpower Street.
Vlad, those cookies are the sovereign property of Chancellor Merkel here.
You must give them back.
Or else what? We will consider sanctions.
Sanction my big hairy Russian babushkas.
Sit back, relax, open up a Black Tower and slip into something more comfortable, like that jogger you've been lunging at all summer.
It's Friday night and this is Callan's Kicks.
Hello, Taoiseach's office.
No, I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello.
Taoiseach's office.
No, I'm afraid he's a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello Taoiseach's office.
I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello Taoiseach's office.
I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Hello Taoiseach's office.
I'm afraid he has a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Jesus.
Frank, are you alright? Phone an ambulance.
Well no.
The Taoiseach's phone won't let anyone call out.
Hold on.
I'll get help.
PHONE RINGS.
No Angela.
We can never be together.
(PHONE RINGING) Stop bugging me with your Troika.
Chicken! By God.
Hello.
This is the best small country in the world and we should do business.
Taoiseach? I didn't think you'd talk to the media.
The media.
Jeez, I haven't heard from ye boys in years.
Would you like to do an interview? An interview! By God, the last interview I did was with that pit bull savage, Ryan Tubridy.
He asked me what my favourite colour was and how often I go to the cinema.
I didn't know what to say so I ruled out a coalition with Sinn Fein.
This isn't The Late Late.
This is going to be a real interview.
No holds barred.
Yes.
I'll answer any question.
Cuts, health, reshuffle.
Everything on the table.
No bother whatsoever.
There's only one topic that is off limits.
The Mayo half-back line.
Okay then.
So I'll see you in RTE in an hour.
I'll see you there.
Where is it? Donnybrook.
I'll get down there myself as soon as I can.
Thank you very much for this by the way.
Frank.
Good man Frank.
Enjoying the old mid-morning nap.
A man after my own heart.
Listen, I'm going to go outside and meet my own people.
You stay there.
You're the type of fella this country needs.
Rest easy now.
Will Enda make it to the interview or will the handlers get him first? Find out later.
It's August and that means the football championship has finally started proper.
With a weekend of top quality football awaiting us in Croke Park, the burning question is, just by how many points will Dublin romp home with in the final.
There hasn't been an easier and more enjoyable romp since I hosted the Clare heats of The Rose of Tralee.
Go on Marty! Tonight, top tips for fans heading for Croker in my latest Marty's Chart-y.
It was 1951 and Mayo was thrice cursed.
Enda Kenny was born, Louis Walsh followed and a jinx was cast on the county team.
The victorious squad tried to shift John Wayne in a complicated dare involving a fainting goat, a bed pan and an unripened apple, during the filming of The Quiet Man.
An offended and swollen Wayne cursed them, vowing the country would be destroyed musically by Louis and economically by Enda and they would never win Sam again.
I curse ya! But if they did, there wouldn't be a bullock squeezed or a sister pleased in Foxford for a fortnight.
Up the kingdom! Kerry face Galway in the quarter-final on Sunday.
Kerry fans like Bridie Carty here will only travel for the final.
Although sometimes I think a decent semi is all you need.
I'm Bridie Carty and I like to party.
So confident are Kerry fans that she's already packed her lunch for that Sunday in September.
I made that sandwich back in March when the last Fungi died.
Well Kerry's had more Fungis than I've had hot camogie players.
Kerry for Sam! And if they do there won't be a loud yank served in a Killarney restaurant for a fortnight.
Now for number 1 on Marty's Chart-y.
Tomorrow the frightened and ignorant people of Monaghan come on a rare visit to Croke Park to gape in awe at modern wonders like traffic lights and employment.
Where's D2 hi? We're going to Flannery's.
No.
They'll still be in those jerseys come Monday.
Easter Monday.
And if they beat Kildare they'll get hammered mercilessly by Dubliners, both in Croker and in Coppers.
And that's it from Marty's Chart-y.
It's goodbye from me, from her, her and why not, both of you too.
It's goodnight, good luck, take care cos I'm off for a Marty's pop-up party.
Beauty is.
.
a word.
It's in the dictionary between beaver and beautician.
It's laughing.
When I get the royalty cheque to one of those books I would never read.
It's being paid truckloads of money to wear Celtic tiger jewellery made somewhere in the Midlands I wouldn't be caught dead in.
I think the best beauty tip is have a nice face.
And make sure you always have lots of money.
Shiny things make me smile.
Welcome back.
The top stories this evening.
Bertie Ahern has been dispatched to Ukraine to broker a peace deal in the war torn region.
The country's endured two world wars, a Soviet and a German invasion but my God, nothing's going to prepare them for this.
Meanwhile in unrelated news, Ukraine's economy has collapsed after Mr.
Ahern's presence created a property bubble in a week.
But breweries have reported a roaring trade while Boyle Sports opened 17 new stores in Kiev.
Irish firm Penneys is in trouble after its sister clothing chain Primark used emaciated mannequins with protruding rib cages in Scotland.
To be fair, it wasn't how the company thinks women should look.
They was just modelled on their workers in Bangladesh.
Finally, I'm forced for some God awful reason to report that Skellig Michael is being used for the new Star Wars movie.
Details are being kept under wraps to avoid spoilers.
Well here's a spoiler.
You're a 40 year old and it's a kid's film starring a gay robot, a generic Gleeson and Carrie Fisher, who lost her mind and her looks in the 1970's.
Bee blop blop.
I'm your father.
Go away and come back to me when you've got some real news.
We'll have more later.
I loved growing up in the culinary capital world that is Cavan.
We cooked everything, from the full Irish breakfast to the Ulster fry.
That's just six sausages.
Back then life was simple, cooking was simple and thanks to small population in-breeding, I myself was simple.
It was a time when bacon fries were considered exotic, Carlow was yet to be electrified and a man could eat uncooked fish off a model without ending up on Joe Duffy.
So today we're going to cook a really simple meal.
You can find the recipe for this in my brand new cookbook, Cooking Stuff with Neven Maguire.
Available now in paperback and in pop-up.
All you need, as simple as anything, is aged balsamic vinegar and some quality assured Bord Bia venison.
First things first.
You have to score the venison.
I'm not talking the type of scoring that people do with their cousins above in Cavan.
Also don't forget you have to tenderise the meat.
You can use a Victorian rolling pin for this but you'd only be letting yourself down.
No.
What I prefer to use is this 12th Century morning star.
This is what we like to use in the restaurant above in Cavan.
Beautiful.
Alternatively you can the meat tenderised by having it chewed by a teething child.
You can find out more about this in my other new cookbook, Chewing Stuff with Neven Maguire.
Now for the glazing.
All you have to do is use this very simple honey from an Albanian albino bee.
Pop it into a pottery bowl filled with blue Babylon cheese.
It really brings out the flavour of the glazing if the bowl is crafted by a virgin yet to feel the tender loving touch of a woman.
A Donal Skehan bowl if you will.
If you're just stuck, you can use Easi Singles.
Donal Skehan would! Ireland is renowned for its locally sourced organic fruit and veg, which will be great for our simple dish if you want it to taste of disappointment.
I would suggest some bonsai vegetables, reluctantly grown by an oppressed Tibetan monk who's taken a vow of silence.
Thank you Nngatric.
Now, the easiest way for yis to cut yisr vegetables is by using the mythical sword of the King of Ulster.
Simple as that there now.
This is what we use in the restaurant above in Cavan.
Reservations are still available.
You can get them online.
One last thing to do, we have to season our venison.
You can use salt and pepper but I prefer the breath of a menstruating lesser spotted Irish warthog.
Be calm, my noble beast.
All yis have to do finally is cook the meat.
Simply flick on the oven and if you don't know how to do that, you can find out all about it in my new book, Neven Maguire's How To Turn Stuff On.
Before you know it, after you preheat to 3,000 degrees and cook it for 6 weeks in a leap year, you have a dish proud to serve to anyone.
Just a little bit of garnish there.
Finally, in our next episode I'll be showing you my simple twist on a ham and cheese toasty which only takes 3 months and 6,000 euro to make.
See yis next week.
I'll have three more books out by then.
Betty bought a bit of butter.
The bit of butter Betty bought was bitter.
So Betty brought the bitter.
.
What?! Don't worry.
This isn't an Aengus Mac Grianna blooper moment.
There's just no fing news.
Shove that up your YouTube.
Coming up after the break, some of this.
Where's my latte? I'm supposed to have security on this trip.
I'm the first RTE presenter to go northside since Charlie Bird was attacked at the Love Ulster parade.
He was never the same after that.
Then he let a seal ride him.
A very odd man.
We'll see you in two minutes.
Hello there.
Are you sick and tired of being a failed politician? Are you getting no respect on the back benches? Is your political party getting a punishment beating at the polls? Well, it's time for a change.
Join Sinn Fein.
Welcome to Operation Transformation.
Transformers.
Shinners in disguise! I know what you're thinking.
Join Sinn Fein.
Are you taking the complete PSNI? A police force which I voluntarily co-operated with because I've nothing to hide.
Don't take my word for it.
Who would? Just ask former Fianna Fail member turned winner shinner, Mary Lou McDonald.
When I was in Fianna Fail I was loud, crass and I couldn't even get elected.
True.
Then I joined Sinn Fein and I became Vice President.
Can you believe it! Now I've a mansion in Cabra, I'm on Vincent Brown all the time and I finally got elected.
And I didn't even have to join the pro.
Proud of you Mary Lou.
I know what you're thinking.
How can you a be success story just like her.
Take this failed Fianna Fail councillor.
Useless, scared, confused.
Just like I was.
How do you know where I live? In just 3 simple steps we're going to transform him into a winner shinner.
Where's my chips? Step 1, the name.
What's your name? Peter John Kilbride.
Oh no, no, no.
No.
No.
No.
The name is very important.
For example.
Cad is ainm duit? Of course the northy accent.
.
Can I just ask you.
.
Hold on second.
I didn't interrupt you so kindly don't interrupt me.
Okay? See, I'm teaching you.
Now you try.
I didn't interrupt you so I.
.
No.
No.
No.
Think this calls for drastic measures Gerry.
Let's call in the lads.
The lads? No.
No.
No.
It's just a TV.
Fine.
No! No! It's a big shopping centre in Ballymena hi.
Winner shinner.
Okay, we're nearly there.
There's one thing that every shinner must have.
And it's not a shady past.
Like mine in Fianna Fail.
Or spending 30 years denying responsibility for acts of violence or criminality.
No.
It's a beard! Ta-da! Winner shinner.
Oh my chips are back.
Transformation complete.
Peadair Sean now comes with his very own Sinn Fein stock phrases.
We are all to blame.
We are all to blame.
I love that one.
Fianna Fail.
IRA.
Boyzone.
And Jean McConville.
.
Had a laissez-faire attitude to her own security.
ALL: Winner shinner! Join us next week on Operation Transformation.
Transformers! Shinners in disguise! Previously.
.
Hello.
Would you like to do an interview? I'll see you there.
(BEEPING) What's this? For the love of.
.
Red alert! The ginger nut has escaped the packet.
A whole new world.
A new fantastic point of view.
No-one to tell us no or where to go or say we're only dreaming.
Oh f.
Hello Michael.
How are you? Thank God Enda.
Where are you? I'll send the handlers to get you.
Don't speak to any strangers or journalists.
I just popped outside to do a quick media interview.
Hold on.
You can only do live puff pieces.
Whatever you do, don't mention the water charges.
All topics are open for discussion.
Ah jays, they'll ask about Brian Purcell and the Dept.
of Justice and you firing the Garda Commissioner.
Sorry Michael, I'm losing you there.
I'll send someone to get you.
Don't hang up! The person you are dialling has run out of credit.
Please leave an email after the tone.
BEEP! Meet some of my people.
How are you doing? Oi Enda.
You're a traitor.
Property tax, medical cards, water charges.
You're not from Ireland at all.
I am.
I had to fucking emigrate.
Well I've some good news for you.
The water's feckin' free.
Nice chatting to you.
A whole new world.
A new fantastic point of view.
Brendan O'Carroll himself, what.
Are you really sure you're allowed do this? Absolutely.
I'm the big daddy.
I'm ready for anything.
This is a real interview though, about actual issues.
You're allowed do that, yeah? Yes.
I was thinking we could talk about things like your botched reshuffle.
Are you okay with that? Yes.
Lovely hurling.
The banking enquiry fiasco? No problem at all.
Okay and then health.
There's a lot of problems with health and I'd like to get really down into some details there.
The roll-out of free GP care and then there's the constant budget over-runs.
And there's the nurses issue.
A&E.
Enda? Enda? Hello Taoiseach's office.
No, I'm afraid he's a full schedule.
Can't do any interviews.
Goodbye.
Not on top again.
Ah, Michael Collins would be proud.
Won't be long now till the pension.
Hi.
I'm Derek Mooney and I earn 220,000 euro a year.
That makes me an expert on everything.
In this new series, I'll be talking off the top of my head about The Secrets Of The Irish Landscape.
Sometimes as a journalist there are things you have to do for the greater good.
I could no longer ignore the humanitarian crisis that no-one else in the media's willing to talk about or visit.
Today I'm going to see the smoking ruins of Dublin's northside.
Where's my latte? I'm supposed to have security on this trip.
I'm the first RTE presenter to go northside since Charlie Bird was attacked at the Love Ulster parade.
He was never the same after that.
Then he let a seal ride him.
A very odd man.
The Customs House is fantastic.
Designed by James Gandon as an upmarket madhouse, it still serves this purpose as the seat of local government in Ireland.
Originally of course on the southside, it was gifted to the northside along with Howth, in exchange for Sallynoggin and free access to the airport.
A travesty which Gay Byrne lives with to this very day.
Customs House.
What custom is that? Going shirtless on a sunny day in March, getting Viles Disease swimming in the Liffey or injecting your toe with heroin? Because they're the only customs I see around here.
That and traffic jams.
Now let's enter the 20th Century and Dublin's version of Staten Island.
Busaras is fantastic.
The suspiciously award-winning architectural wonder serves at a gateway for young people emigrating from the regions, where hope and electricity are in short supply.
It also houses the Department of Social Protection, for reasons unknown on Wikipedia.
Award-winning my aras.
Even by northside standards it's an eyesore.
And people round here think pyjamas are formalwear.
I just saw a LUAS go by.
They've stolen it from the southside.
Give it back.
I need to get to Windy Arbour.
Now let's zoom to the boom years of the early 21st Century where almost anything seemed like a good idea.
I'm allergic to the traditional local beverages of Dutch Gold or Yop.
Luckily though, I brought supplies.
The Convention Centre Dublin is fantastic.
It's a stunning centrepiece of the new docklands and was built for a paltry half a billion euro.
Today it brings in literally hundreds of visitors to Dublin and is expected to break even as early as the year 3022.
What a shit hole.
It looks like it's sinking and no-one ever comes here.
They may as well nail the doors shut and it cost 460 million euro.
You could run RTE on that for 2 years.
Now it's about time we went back and had a good look at our tits in the privacy of RTE.
Taxi! But no architectural wonder compares to the leafy beauty of Dublin 4.
Viewers hoping to catch a glimpse of my amazing tits should have their Kleenex at the ready.
Tragedy has struck.
The lights of my webcam short-circuited and now my tits are on fire.
My tits are burning and it feels truly terrible.
So sad.
As I walked away from the smouldering wreckage of my tits, I was in mourning.
But then I remembered my tits might be gone but at least I'll always have Mooney's money.
Bye! Hi Angela.
Guttentag Barack.
Monsieur Obama.
Hi Francois.
Oh hello everybody.
Hello Barack.
You're looking well.
Grovel grovel.
Shut it Cameron.
Let me be clear.
I wanna tell you folks about this great new thing called a selfie.
Amazyballs.
Let me try Barack.
Zip it Cameron.
How does it vork, this selfie? A bunch of us stand real close together and we take a photo.
Let's do it.
Okay, come closer.
Cheese.
Cheese.
This is ridiculous photograph.
Foolish Putin.
You should be shirtless riding bear or judo, tossing man off.
Vlad, do you always toss off other men? Yeah.
I try to toss off one maybe two men, every day.
Do you let other men toss you off? I don't let them but sometimes it happens.
How many men would you say you've tossed off? I've tossed off many, many thousands of proud Russian men.
So how's the whole anti-gay thing working out? Very well.
Why you ask? Why you laugh? Why are you laughing?! I invented judo.
I am world champion.
I toss you off.
Hi-yah! Drat.
It's that blasted North Korean maniac.
Shut it Cameron.
I created internet.
I am fastest man in the world.
Ya! Ya! Ya! Everyone freeze.
If you ignore him he will go away.
Freeze.
Where everybody go? They disappear.
It is conspiracy.
Hi-yah! Thank goodness he's gone.
He's an a-hole.
Yeah, he's a total ass bottom face.
Fist bump me.
Maybe not.
Hold on unt second.
Who took mein cookies? It was the savage who took them.
Vladimir, what are you doing? Those are my cookies.
No they are not.
Yes they are.
Give zem back.
Cookies came to me of their own volition, in totally free and open democratic process.
What's that cookies? You want to be eaten by Russian.
Unt outrage.
Do something Barack.
As the world's policeman, I will sort it out.
Now he vill be sorry.
Vlad, those cookies are the sovereign property of Chancellor Merkel here.
You must give them back.
Or else what? We will consider sanctions.
Sanction my big hairy Russian babushkas.
Let me be clear.
I will take action.
I will unfriend you on Facebook or restrict your access to Game Of Thrones Season 5.
Useless American.
Shove it up your Sputnik.
Oh dear, oh dear.
I need new challenge now.
I go judo.
Toss off bear.
Bye bye.
He's getting away, again.
We'll soon see about that.
Look what I have.
Vot are you going to do? Vots app him to death with unt sad face? I'm gonna do what every freedom loving democrat uses to solve world problems.
Vot? Unmanned illegal drone strike.
Wowser balls Barack.
You show us how it's done.
Fire.
Look out for the.
.
Oops.
That was a wedding.
Here we go.
Try again.
Mein God.
Yeah America.
Hurrah.
Let's whup some bottom.
Are you alright Dave? I'm fine Barack.
I'm okay.
As long as I can to hang out with you.
Suck und lick spitter.
British lapdog.
Let me be clear.
That's all we have time for today.
Don't forget, you back home, we may be muppets but you're the muppets who voted us in.
Bye.
Auf wiedersehen.
Au revoir.
Dasvidaniya.
Well it is if the rumours about Enda and Merkel are true.
Oh there you are.
That's all we've time for.
Log onto Callan's Kicks Facebook and Twitter to watch the full uncut Superpower Street.
Next week we're live from the Dublin Horse Show and get a horrifying glimpse into the world of Nicky Byrne.
Goodnight and go back to sleep Ireland.