Campus (2009) s01e04 Episode Script

Now, I don't normally do this, sit in one-on-one with a student, but one of the bajeros in HR has told me that you have been blessed with a birthmark shaped like a raven pecking at a corpse.
Normally, this sort of thing would tickle me but at the moment, I'm under rather a lot of pressure and I now see that this is in fact a sign from the gods.
The gods? Now, I don't think it's entirely out of my remit to insist that you show me this, er, abomination before I decide whether or not to sacrifice you this afternoon.
I'm going to leave now.
Good idea.
Professor Be-A-Lazy-Fucker, are the creative juices flowing yet 'or just the procreative ones?' You're one of five female staff I haven't slept with.
You have.
Really? Yep.
GCSE maths.
Yay! Where shall we begin? I could draw a cock in my book.
That's a thought.
Just stay away from little Miss Moffat and stop spreading well-being and confidence where they're not wanted.
How do you know what she wants? Pardon? How do you know what she wants? Has the pilgrim lowered his staff? Er sorry? Have you still got a hard-on? Seems so.
My aunt sent me a birthday present today.
It's a human thigh bone.
George Bryan.
I believe you and your financially crippled university have been expecting me? My university is no cripple, sir.
Not after I've rolled away its wheelchair and made the fucker walk.
I want you to neutralise the Canadian.
Melt the Ice Queen, Matt.
Yeah, sure.
Not you.
'Sometimes I wish my sexual scent wasn't so fucking powerful.
Canadian incoming, releasing pheromones now.
Ah, Vice-Chancellor, I thought that was you hiding under the reception desk.
Good morning, Consultant.
Hiding from me won't do you much good.
Hiding? Who's hiding? I was dealing with Grace's bunions.
Excellent prioritising.
Today, I'll be overseeing a preliminary audit of staff expenses, including yours, of course.
I'm confused.
I thought you were here just on work experience, and now you're ordering everyone around.
My team will need to see an account of your personal expenditure.
Jesus-penis! Is there something wrong with your voice? What are you doing? I don't want your sore throat.
Grace, can we get her some Calpol? I haven't got a sore throat.
So, you're not contagious? No.
Although I wish my professionalism was.
So, what, you puff on 4,000 a day? I think we both know this is just the way my voice is.
Uh? Provide me with figures, and I'll pop by before the end of the day with a verdict.
Is that actually your natural sound? Yes.
Is there a tiny little lady Borrower hugging your larynx? No.
Are you putting on a silly voice for Ramadan? Shall we say 5.
30? Great.
5.
30 it is.
But you are going to have to excuse me because I need a wee.
Perfect.
Grace, could you take over, please? This is beginning to burn.
I think your voice is very attractive.
No, you don't.
I am still Mr Beer.
Naked from the waist down.
Expenses.
My desk.
One hour.
'Oh, the joy of sums.
'The value of person A is clearly zero.
'Yet person B wastes her valuable brain space 'trying to calculate the sum of A+B.
'The answer should be self-evident - Y.
' Want a lift anywhere? 'Oh why, oh why, oh why?' Come on.
Yay! "Congratulations, you are a lesbian"? You're welcome.
I don't want people to know I'm a lesbian.
Ohh.
Hold on.
"Congratulations, you are lean"? Yes.
There you go.
Now I'm congratulating you on being thin.
Aw, thanks.
You're welcome, my lean lesbian friend.
Aw.
Toot-toot! Daa-aa! Erh-heh! Mmm-erh.
No, no, no! Huh? Not my face.
Ah, Mary, just the person.
Hi.
Someone's stolen my expense receipts.
Really? Nine months' worth.
Why would they do that? I think they're trying to fob them off as their own.
Lost theirs, trying to fob mine off as theirs.
Pretty disgusting.
Gonna have to be more careful in future.
Where do you hide yours? I don't hide them.
I just keep them in a box under my desk.
Really? No.
As if, Mr Beer.
Right! Jesus! Lovely of you to say so, but it is I, Jonty De Wolfe.
I've sent you quite a few e-mails, and you have replied to none.
I thought if I ignored them, you'd go away, like winter or car sickness.
Oh, no.
I am more persistent than the Jehovah's Witness and twice as funky.
Doesn't mean anything.
Quite.
But along with my unusual entrance, it's destabilised you.
It's knocked you off balance.
I'm fine.
Are you? What's the time, Mr Beer? What? What time is it? Oh.
Must've fallen off.
Oh, no.
I took your initial moment of confusion as the perfect opportunity to snatch your watch without you even feeling it.
Where is it? Hanging off my John Thomas.
Of course, it isn't.
Maybe it is.
You just don't know.
Can we get to the point? I've a stack of essays on my desk.
I need to find out who put them there and make them stop.
It's George.
She's stuck her beaver snout into our accounts.
Why haven't you destabilised her like what I's done with you, innit? Hasn't been the right time.
Oh, get on with it, Beer, my balls are hotting up.
When I find the right time.
Are you saving yourself for The One? Saving myself? You know I'd never save myself.
I reckon you've gone soft, mate.
I reckon I've gone hard, mate.
I reckon you're a girl.
I reckon you're a girl.
I reckon your face is a girl.
I reckon your mum's a girl.
Your cock's a girl.
No, it isn't.
Prove it.
All right, I will, I can.
I will.
How? How? I can.
By bedding William Shatner.
OK? You know William Shatner? No.
I meant the Canadian.
So you don't know the Shatner? Er, no.
Never do that to me again! Grace, would you lower me down gently, please.
What's that in your pocket? Pork.
Oh dear, oh dear, what is he doing with her? It's like watching a ten-year-old trying to drive a classic car.
Ah, Mr Gump, what's on your packed agenda today? Running followed by more running? At least he has something on his agenda.
Something other than smoking, drinking and sarcasm.
Oh, I see.
There was me thinking he was being chased.
I suppose in races I am always being chased.
Now you're just showing off in front of your new lady friend.
I don't know what he's on about.
I never do.
OK, so that's a week for one.
Have you got your SUUK card for your student discount? Here it is.
Great.
Right, and this is? Me.
You look very small.
Yes.
And Indian.
Yes.
I tan well.
Are you a student here? OK, fine.
That's not my shrivelled Indian body.
I am a lecturer here.
Right, then, I'm afraid it's the full fare and a single supplement too.
Single supplement? You're travelling alone, it makes it more expensive than a couple.
I'm not going to pay a single supplement.
You have to.
Well, I won't.
I can't book your trip.
It's people like you that give single women a bad name.
Yeah.
I'm not single.
Then somewhere a man is drinking from the cup of desperation.
If I see you on campus I'm going to rabbit-punch you in the vagina.
Sorry, Christine, could you get that? She threatened my vagina, so Know what I like about you, Flat? Nothing? That's what my dad says.
He's a wise man.
No, what I like is your simplicity.
I like that you never hide the fact that you know nothing about culture.
You're like a small woodland creature in a fairy tale.
Like a greyhound? Not small, woodland or fairytale.
Just fast.
I didn't mention speed.
Boys, please.
Boy, singular.
Man.
Jury's still out on that one.
A cheetah? That's pretty Now breakfast's settled, can I tempt you to a quick pint? Over 21s only, obviously.
I know you don't understand my job, but we've got an IDB in a minute.
Brilliant.
Haven't been to one of those in years.
What's the IDB? Grown-ups only.
It's really dull.
Bring you back a treat.
I'm 22, anyway.
Now hear this! There's an expenses moose loose about the campoose.
We are experiencing a very small audit.
There's no need for alarm, just so long as you carry your receipts at all times.
Specially after dark.
Do not approach Mr George Bryan, and do not be fooled by the large, eccentrically placed bollocks on his chest.
They are not what they seem.
This is not a drill.
I repeat, this is not a drill.
A drill sounds like this.
Drg-drg-drg-drg! Drg-drg-drg-drg! Thank you for your disbursement report template.
I believe in accuracy and efficiency.
Perhaps we have something in common there? Hmm.
As I understand it, you paid the staff twice last month? Er, yes, that was me.
Guilty, no-one else involved.
Right, but you're in the process of recouping the deficit? Yes, sir.
Madam! Miss! That must have been a very stressful time for you.
Oh, yes! First there was the money stuff, and then I had to choose who the VC was going to make redundant.
But luckily someone died so I didn't have to choose, but I still had the stress of choosing.
All this along with my personal affairs, which have got increasingly complicated.
I have a girlfriend but I think I'm in love with another woman But she's gay, and How much do you know about contract accountants? Are they brought in to save money and take over the running of a failing business? Yes.
I'm not totally au fait with the finer points of how it works.
You will be.
OK.
But thank you for all your time and effort up until this point.
That's OK.
She was nice.
So, what I would like you to do is break up into pairs and try and work up an expenditure flowchart which demonstrates how faculties can interrelate within the overall budget.
Oh.
Thanks a lot.
This is like being back at school.
I'll end up doing all the work, and you'll just put your name on it.
Oh! I take it all back.
Yup.
Been working on this bad boy all through the night.
Why does that say "firing range"? It's the floor plans for my mansion.
Mansion? The mansion I'll have when I sell the film rights.
Film rights to what? Dunno, spent all my time on the mansion.
"Helipad swimming pool.
" Yeah, like in Thunderbirds.
Well, where are the bathrooms? Er Boys! Look, it can go here, between the firing range and the log flume.
Good.
Good.
Ooh, pony house! "Pony house"? Do you mean stables? I think the stables should have cable television set to the horse channel.
Or a special pony roundabout I invented when I was 12.
You smell nice.
You know Compared to the I had a best friend once.
Arnold Rigby.
We did everything together.
Conkers in the woods, sherbet dips, swapped Top Trumps.
Then one day I betrayed Arnold.
Gave him a wedgie behind the science block that split his a-hole.
All to get into Jason Pinge's gang.
Arnold Rigby where are you now? I'm here.
So you are.
It feels like only yesterday we were skipping through a freshly mown paddock.
It was yesterday.
You wedgied me this morning.
Can I go now? I've got to clean the student union toilets.
Yeah, off you go, off you go.
And, um I really, um, really am sorry about your a-hole.
It was Professor Pinge's gang made me do it.
£599 for a circular, rotating, white leather convertible love-seat/bed.
Office furnishings.
I didn't see that in your office.
It's tiny.
Your eyes! Your eyes remind me somehow of Vancouver, the way the sky shimmers in the spring evenings.
One antique hand-crafted Persian carpet.
Yup.
Travel.
Professor Beer, there's a trend here.
I was going over your pre-appraisal form Don't you long to just get away from all this crap? And one thing in particular drew the eye.
"What could be done to make your job more fulfilling?" That is a great question, if you don't my saying, from a great mouth.
And you've put, "Being called Keith Smooth.
" Yep.
Care to expand on that? Well, at the moment I'm called Matt Beer, which is OK, but I was thinking how much better things would be if I was called Keith Smooth.
So, if someone like yourself got to know me a bit more intimately, she might call me Smoothie.
You're not taking this very seriously.
Which you find confusingly irresistible, don't you? I'm literally foaming at the gash.
Now 84 packets of Rizla papers, king size? Stationery.
Weekend away from work, which I see that you've billed to the university.
Yup.
Where did you go? Anal.
Anal? It's in Dorset.
You took a weekend away to Anal, Dorset.
Yep.
I've never done that myself Er, obviously, if there's anything you're worried about, I'm here to help.
I know how work can build up, and your personal life can affect your academic life, you know, creep into your thoughts just when you don't want it to, so if there's anything you want to share that I can help you with I've got chlamydia.
Oh! Oh, dear And so have I.
Oh.
Oh, dear.
So have I, actually.
Oh.
Hello.
We'll carry on from where we've left off next week.
Hi.
Hello.
Well, you look very smart.
Have you changed your clothes? Yeah, but you know what, you look great! Oh, I'm the same as I was earlier.
You've written so many books.
Only one.
There's about 10 there.
They're different languages.
No.
Really? You speak ten different languages! God, my mum would love you.
Would she? Yeah! I mean, you're clever, pretty, funny, you've written ten books You're the sort of person she'd want me to marry.
Gosh! I'm not sure that's appropriate talk between a student and a senior lecturer.
We'd have a lovely little cottage with a vegetable garden and a tree with a swing.
I'd go out to work every day so that you wouldn't have to.
You could just be in your study or sitting on the swing, just thinking about your next book.
Actually, that's work too.
But it's not like mending roads.
If that's what you think, this marriage is not going to last.
What?! Well, you don't respect my work.
Yes, I do! Well, no, you don't.
You think I spend my days on a swing swinging.
How about you give me some respect? I've been out all day mending the roads.
You just want to marry a younger version of your mother! Stop bringing my mother into this! You stop disrespecting my bloody work! I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
It's my fault.
Can we put this behind us? Yes.
Let's.
Let's go for a drink later and get back to how we were.
Yeah.
What?! No.
No! He just says, "Snakes.
Why did it have to be snakes?" I've done it wrong, because I don't understand that.
No, that's because I got the middle bit wrong.
Tell us the one about the Speedos.
This I will not go into.
Um It's her.
Hey.
Good! Hey, hey.
I'm looking for a holiday companion so I can avoid the single person supplement.
Yeah, I Not yet.
These would be your duties.
Total silence between the hours of 8pm and 8am.
You would eat with me but not look at me, and never refer to me by name.
Your own name would be false.
I would suggest Mr Belvedere or Grant.
You'd stick to an itinerary, spend no time with trollops, and under no circumstances would you unpack your suitcase.
Apart from that, you'd be free to enjoy your holiday.
What do you say? I-I I'm not going to come.
Fine.
But Y-y-you could call me Mr Belvedere.
Fine, fine.
Just here in the office, or Fine.
What was that for? Not sure.
You looked a bit sad.
Not sad, just in a pickle.
Can I ask what flavour of pickle? Um, no, you definitely cannot.
Where did you learn to dance? Did a year of ballet at 14.
Ratio of 15 girls to one boy.
Oh.
I was popping cherries all over the place.
Oh, well, thanks for the dance.
You're welcome.
Need a cherry pop? No.
Stop trying to ruin doing a nice thing.
Right.
Sorry.
I'm late, so Ah, this is great! What, with you being gay and me being In a loving relationship.
In the old loving relationship.
It's actually impossible to find each other attractive! Yeah, it's just like totally chilled! Yeah, so what shall we do? What do you do with your gay best friend? Feel her tits? Sorry? You probably haven't had a chance to feel many, have you? Well, no, not really.
Mainly encountered Cecilia's.
Yeah, mainly Ceclia's.
Not assessed too many breasts.
Feel free.
Really? Yeah, cup away! Right-o.
Incoming.
Here I come.
Arriving.
About OK.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right.
Really quite Really quite squishy, aren't they? Yeah Are you all right, Nicole? Grace, it's fine.
She's gay! Yeah, OK, yeah.
Ah, thanks, Nics.
That's, er, an intriguing experience.
Um, I didn't realise there was such a such a variety in the density.
Tits come in all sorts.
Hm-hm.
Well, I wish I could, um reciprocate in kind, but I don't have any lady's bits.
Only got Cock.
The, um, cock.
Yeah, it's all right, though, isn't it? I could just pretend it was a tit.
Yeah! Bloody yeah! Come on, then, buddy.
Yeah! I missed out on all this at school.
Really? Are you sure? Yeah, go on, then.
Yeah, here we go, arriving, and yay! There we go.
OK.
Is that all right? Yeah, yeah, that's That's all right.
Is it? Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, it's it's, um At rest, it's all very much sort of one unit, separates out Oh, does it? Yeah.
Well, you know all this.
Actually maybe Oh.
Bit sensitive.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
OK! So, yeah, yeah.
Have you ever actually read a book? Yeah, of course.
Since you were ten? Have you read a book since you were ten? Of course.
You've read my essays.
That's why I'm asking.
I asked her out.
Who her? Imogen.
Asked her out.
Bad luck.
Never nice to crash and burn, especially to a geek.
She said yes.
Really? Oh well Good for you.
Well done.
Thank you.
If you wanna go out with someone old enough to be your mum.
She's not that old.
She's 40.
She's 32.
Really? I had her pegged at 40.
I suppose you need to go through the rite of passage of an older woman.
No, I've been old before.
Really? Yeah, when I was 16.
My mum's cleaner.
What, Madge aged 50? Flavia, 23.
Who's next? Um, ethnic pattie, please.
Ah, right.
Using our fingers now, lovely.
Great.
Anything else? Coffee.
Well? How is my little sleeping policeman? Are you talking about your penis? Quite the opposite.
Your vagina? Your penis.
Oh.
Which hopefully is acting as a traffic-calming measure against the expense account juggernaut that is George.
Are you enjoying being a sex missile? You're mixing your metaphors.
Just choose one.
All right.
I'll be the missile.
The Sexocet.
Ah, very good! That way you can penetrate and explode deep within.
Because if you don't, we are both going to end up homeless and jobless in Shit City.
That's how you see me, is it? Some sort of fucking bronco? Pardon? Baps are a bit floury.
Sorry.
Fuck off before I beat you up.
Flat.
Flat! Ooh! Flat, I've just come to clear Oh! I've come to clear a few things up.
They have people who do that.
No, no, about what we said earlier.
Oh, right! Our date! I accidentally agreed to the date in the first place You're not backing out, are you? No, no, no.
Not at all.
Well, yes.
Yes, I am yes.
OK.
Look, Flat, you're really Ooh! Ow! Cramp, cramp! I'm what? Cramp! Oh! OK.
Sit down.
Sit down.
OK.
OK, stretch out.
This way.
There you go.
Right, just stretching out.
OK.
Does that feel better? What are you doing? Ooh! I'm just stretching out the cramp.
Feels like you're stroking the cramp.
Is that such a bad thing? You're really nice, and objectively rather gorgeous.
What about you? You're bloody lovely, with your limbs everywhere, like a sexy game of Kerplunk! I'm ten years older than you.
Please let go of my legs.
There's not even anything wrong with that one.
Come on, admit it.
You've thought about it, haven't you? I've thought about going to work dressed as Marie Antoinette, but it doesn't mean I do it.
I really need this leg to start working now.
Oh! Ah! Watch out! Oh, God! Sorry about earlier.
What can I say? Clean slate? Clean sheets? Clean underpants? Let me stop you there.
I know you find me sexually attractive, but that just does not fit in with my schedule at the moment.
Does everything have to fit with a schedule? And it's "shed-yule".
Very much so.
Aged ten - own a bike - achieved.
17 - lose virginity - achieved.
19 - attend top business programme - achieved.
22 - management consultant - achieved.
Still to come, 28 - get married, 30 - two kids, 35 - earn more than my dad, the rest are all on Post-it notes framed above my bedroom door.
Jesus, I can't do this.
I've achieved all my life-plan goals to date, but it seems that you haven't achieved anything at all.
Really? Ah, well, poor me.
Why steal the biology department's cloned pig and hog roast it? Hm? Why spend a week making love to the Afro-Caribbean society? Why charge through a staff meeting wearing just my backpack? Why put dog shit in Lydia's shoes? You think you're fulfilled? You wouldn't know true fulfilment if it covered itself in maple syrup and offered itself on a waffle.
Have you cried till you threw up, drunk yourself sober, had your heart broken by your mother's best friend? No.
I thought not.
And I don't imagine you've ever worn a papier-mache bra.
Well, I have.
Until you're the sort of person who'd do that, I wouldn't even waste my far-from-precious time fucking you.
I can see the emptiness of your life plan behind your eyes, you soulless, insipid, culture-less uptight, camel-faced Canadian moose! And this is really nasty.
Grace, stand there.
Administrative trolls, take note.
Could you hold on to the cloth, please, Grace? Thank you.
Hold it above your head.
Thank you.
Cover yourself up.
Change is coming.
Grace 1 to Grace 3.
Applause.
Applause.
Mr De Wolfe, I've been greatly insulted by Professor Matthew Beer.
What are you going to do about it? I'm not going to do anything until you tell me what he said.
He insinuated I Have a face like a camel? I know.
It's like But worse than that He undermined your very being.
He tried his very best to, yes.
Well, if he undermined your very being, he has to go! Ssh-ssh.
Hello? Yes, you can.
Yeah.
I am having problems with someone and Yep, it's a head of English who is calling someone names.
I need to make him go away.
I thought I could lure him Yeah, lure.
Sorry, it's an ugly word, isn't it? Entice? I could entice him over the hills and far away so that he's never heard of again.
Uh-huh.
Is there a chance that any of your pipers are becoming pied? Right.
I see.
I'm confusing reality with fantasy? All right.
You've been very helpful.
Thank you very much.
Sorry, child.
It seems that unless you're me, it's hard to make somebody disappear.
I cannot believe you're not taking this more seriously.
I want Matt Beer sacked! I assume when you say "sacked", you mean you want to sleep with him? No.
Whatever he has said to you has made you reassess your entire life to the extent that only uniting your bodies in unholy friction can put this right.
That's absurd.
He has a very brown tummy.
Er Oh, so, you know Cecilia? Is that your girlfriend? Yeah.
Um, well, maybe not for much longer.
Oh! Is she really ill? What? No, I'm going to give her the old heave-ho today.
Too much information.
What? Uh, no, it's not a sex thing.
I'm going to break up with her.
Oh.
Yeah.
Just thought I'd mention it.
Doesn't affect you, obviously.
Don't suppose some boring old heterosexual relationship biting the dust interests you.
So what, right? Bloody straights.
Tell me about it! OK, well, I was thinking about starting by saying I didn't mean to tell me about it, did I? OK.
OK, accommodation's closed, you lot.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna break up with Cecilia right now.
Ah, she answered! I was expecting the answerphone.
My loneliness is killing me I must confess I still believe Still believe Quick, hide me! What? Um, excuse me! Help me! Where is he? Wh-what? Professor Beer.
Why do you need him? My dear Imogen, I may be in a bit of a Horlicks, but Professor Queer has promised to take care of a rather delicate matter for me, and surprise, surprise, he has shit it up and abused our VIP guest.
Gosh! Well, I'm sorry, I haven't seen him.
Ooh! Well, if you do You look different.
Do I? Like you're about to have intercourse.
Oh, I'm very busy.
I bet he's sniffing around some weak-willed bint.
I wouldn't say you were weak-willed.
You touched my kissed my knees.
You can go now.
Not sure I want to.
It's safe.
Well, go and be safe somewhere else.
That's just it - I don't think I can be.
Excuse me.
You have very nice ankles.
Flirt.
OK.
Gonna do it.
Gonna do it, gonna do it, gonna do it.
Gonna bloody do it.
Hi, Cecilia.
Dunno what happened there.
OK.
Wanted to talk about Cecilia? Are you OK? 'Call you back in a minute.
I'm at Alton Towers!' She's at Alton Towers.
So, yeah, been thinking, we've been together for six years now, which is a long old time What's she saying? She's she's She's upside down.
Hey, you're back.
Um, yeah, right, well, the thing is She's upside down.
OK, the ride's ending, apparently.
OK, yeah.
Um So, we've been together for six years.
'I know.
Does that mean you've got me an anniversary present?' I've been thinking 'Does that mean you haven't?' I've been thinking, what if? 'Yeah?' Tell her you don't love her.
'What?' 'Is there somebody with you?' No.
No, no, no.
Um, that's just a co-worker walking past.
Um a gay one.
I don't know who that was.
'So, what were you thinking?' 'Jason?' I was thinking I was thinking what if we were to reassess the nature of our relationship? I've pretty much reconciled the credit and debit sides 'Oh, God! Can't you just stop being an accountant?' No, I'm pretty committed to that.
'Just speak English, Jason!' Jawohl! 'What?! Are you trying to be funny?' 'You pathetic little shrivelled-cock arsewipe' OK? Right, OK.
Right, OK, so, look, I'm just gonna come out with it.
See, um, I think it's time we moved on.
Do you? You do? Well, that's great.
I just No, that's fine.
Um, that's fine.
So we're agreed? Yes.
Yes.
Hooray! OK.
Yeah.
Good, OK, bye.
Bye, bye.
Yep, bye.
Right.
Right.
Now, don't regret it, cos you've done the right thing.
Yeah.
Have I, though? It's all right, isn't it? Uh, yes and no.
She's not angry.
That's good.
But then again, we've just got engaged.
Oh, you're all here.
I'm looking for a holiday companion so that I can avoid the single supplement.
I mean, I've scraped the bottom of the barrel, and I've lifted the barrel up and you guys are all stuck underneath.
So, who's going to volunteer? I love it! I love these pranks! These are just the sort of hilarious things we'd have got up to on our fucking holiday.
Your loss.
Back to work, girls.
Nothing untoward, I trust? A lot of taxi receipts here.
£45, £50, £40.
Very similar amounts.
Where do you go to? Here.
From home? No, from here.
So, you go to here from here? As I think you know, sir, I have a medical condition which renders sleep impossible some nights, so, rather than going home and disturbing Mrs De Wolfe, I get a taxi to take me on a round trip.
Now, I think you'll find, with regular-customer discounts, it is significantly cheaper than an hotel.
I'm reporting this to the department, of course.
That would be rather odd, reporting a disabled man.
Your insomnia renders you disabled? We prefer the term, "Crippled".
If I wanted to, I could report you to the department tomorrow.
You'd be out of this job like a shot.
I don't think that you want to do that.
And give me one good reason why not.
Have you ever considered an open-topped race car? A horse? And a Caribbean holiday? I think you'd find that rather lush.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? Oh look at those clouds.
They are predominantly nimbus! I think that I will stay with my back to you looking at those clouds for about a minute.
What is this? A bribe.
I'll be phoning the department now.
Oh, goodness me! You didn't think that I said a bribe, did you? Of course I did.
I'm afraid I can't legislate for your lacklustre hearing.
A bwibe is a native Puerto Rican artwork made from bundles of paper.
Absolutely fascinating, and surprisingly tasty.
I'm coming back.
You do know I'm coming back, right? Grace? 'Burst in there.
Smoulder.
Say what's on your mind.
'Come on, Imogen, there's nothing to be scared of.
' Oh! God! Sanjeev from Medieval History is having a fancy-dress party.
Come on in.
Old Dracula never fails to impress.
Girls are all desperate to be bitten.
Really? I find that very hard to believe.
My Imogen, you seem all unnecessary.
The blood is rushing to your cheeks, your mouth is dry.
You are mine, Imogen Moffat.
Your pretend teeth are beginning to pinch a bit.
Agh! Sorry, Imogen.
Got a bit carried away with the role there.
Have I ever called you Imogen before? No, just Boffin Face, or something horrible.
Sorry, I get a bit nervous.
Take the easy option pretend I'm stupid and shallow.
That's pretending, is it? Look, Imogen, I just want to say that despite the outward differences, despite the silly name-calling and childish witticisms Inappropriate sexual harassment.
Yeah, yeah, despite all that, um I think you're all right.
I don't get it.
There's nothing to get.
I think this is actually me.
This is me, raw and unplugged.
Is that OK? Of course it is! Good.
Great.
Thank Thank you.
Oh, that's fine.
It's lovely.
I mean, well, this is me.
This is me, backstage after the show, without all the glam and the glitzy hair! Make-up off! Sitting in my dressing room and drinking chamomile tea.
Good.
Good.
Maybe I should have tried this before.
Raw and unplugged approach.
You know, I've been known to sit in a kayak as a means of seduction.
Oh, the kayak! That was for my benefit? Yeah.
I just find it really hard to Communicate my feelings.
Sitting in a boat? Exactly.
So you do like me? Why do you think I'm horrible to you all the time? I have decided I do want to wear a papier-mache bra.
I'm sorry, we're having a private conversation.
Really? With the man who's been trotting after me all day like some pathetic, horny teenager? I wouldn't say pathetic.
In a kayak for me.
That's not pathetic? Um, excuse me.
Weird.
So, you still want to do this, then? Can't wait.
Got you! Who cares what people think? Let's do it.
Let's do the sex.
Shall we do it now? Well, no, the thing is, Imogen, I'm just in the middle of a qualifying race right now.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Have I spoiled your chances? Yeah.
I was in the lead.
This Oh, God! Oh, God! It's fine.
I'll say you're a maddo, escaped from the secure facility.
Oh, dear.
I made you lose.
Yeah.
Yes, but in some ways, I think I may have just won.
Friday the 8th.
How wonderful is young lust.
Old lust is absolutely disgusting, but young lust is zesty, lithe and much more picturesque.
Grace? Yes? I've just been fiddling around on the internet, and I seem to have changed my name to The Chevalier.
Your username? No, no, no.
My actual name.
Ah! What, the name on all these expense forms, Mr De Wolfe? Mr De Wolfe? Chevalier? The Chevalier is speaking.
I'll shred them then, shall I? Well That's going to help your fitness.
Oh, good.
That's good.
Thank you, by the way.
Oh, don't thank me.
Sorry.
It was great - no thanks to you.
Is that your dad? He looks really wacky.
No, that's Einstein.
Oh, yeah.
Cool.