Can't Cope, Won't Cope (2016) s01e04 Episode Script
Mallowfornia
Is something wrong? I need you to come home! Is Christian really dead? The Daily Mail reckons he's not.
That's highly confidential information.
You invited non-staff to a Sweeney Grimes and Hunt event.
Your friend then disclosed confidential information about a client to the client's fund manager! Aisling, sort your shit out! Whatcha doing this weekend? Give me one day.
Okay, shots, ready, one, two One, two, three.
Hi, mam.
Coming home today, yeah? Yeah, I've no money though.
I'll book it, I'll put you on the 11.
No, 12.
No, 11.
Mam, I'm in the queue.
Call what out? The number, mam, the reservation number.
Didn't I send you an email? I can't access my work email, just call it out like.
Which one? There's three numbers here, Aisling.
David What do you want like? Mam, send an email to my work email.
Will you I'm on the Xbox! Well, pause the fucking Xbox, I can't access my email.
Aisling, I'll lose the match.
Just text me the number.
I'm definitely not sitting in the middle.
You have to, I get car sick.
-It's a three-minute drive.
Ah, lads, this is the last thing I need now, all right? He gets sick, Aisling, get in! For God's sake! Was there any need for you all to come and collect me? We're all just so delighted you're home! Rachel, is it? Sorry, I didn't see you there under all the foundation.
Are you for real like? Drop the attitude, Aisling, you're not 14.
Ugh! Stop.
Lads, will you sit up? Do you not have friends to go out and play with? We're watching TV like! You should be outside getting some fresh air or something.
Go outside like! You go outside.
-Mam, I'm hungry.
Can you all sit there on the couch? We need to have a chat.
Why are we constantly on top of each other? What's going on? Mam, Aisling's pushing me into the arm of the couch.
Your mother and I have been waiting to give you all a bit of news.
Do you have cancer? Rachel like! Do you? No, no, I don't have cancer, thanks be to God.
And we wanted ye all to be together so we can fill you in.
Are we getting Spanish students again? Ah, stop, lads, stop with the guessing.
Your father and I I'm moving in with mam, you can live with dad.
Jesus Christ! Will you shut up We're going to have another child.
A baby.
What? Yeah.
-Gross! I'm keeping my room.
Are you fucking serious? Watch your language now! -Watch your language Lads, are you for real? You're 49! You're going to be 70 at this child's 21st.
Do you know, I don't know why you're so upset.
You're not pregnant! Because I take precautions.
You know, we're actually very happy with the news.
Oh, well, as long as you're happy, that's the main thing, isn't it? Yeah, you can babysit for us.
Oh, Jesus! Is this the Truman Show? This cannot be happening.
If you ever breastfeed in front of me, I swear I'm going to kill myself.
You'll be breastfeeding? You don't know this now, lads, but this is a blessing and you'll all love this baby.
Are you aware of the risks, mam? Aisling, for God's sake, would you shut up? You are the worst.
This is your fault, and you I'm warning you, Aisling.
-Aisling! Mam, did you breastfeed me? Oh, my God, hi.
Hi, stranger! Jesus, I got a text off you, it was like a blast from the past, do you know what I mean? I know, yeah.
I was just in town and I was thinking about you.
So, um, do you want a drink? Um, I'll have a coffee.
Oh, you're serious? Yeah, just a coffee is fine, yeah.
I don't drink anymore.
Not that you don't drink, that I don't know you don't drink, you know.
Well, it's been a few years like, it's Yeah, I'll order.
Hi, what can you get you? Can I have two coffees, please? Two coffees, right.
So, fill me in, enough of this awkward small talk.
A bit, it's just so formal.
Sorry, sorry.
Come here, so tell me, what have you been up to? How's Dublin Ah No.
No, actually I'm I'm single.
Is that by choice or It's just the way it is like.
What about you, any women since us? Yeah, yeah, there was just the one.
Oh, what happened? Well, I'm sure you heard, um, we got married.
Two coffees.
You're married? Yeah.
Lovely.
That's That's so lovely, em, are you happy? I'm Yeah, I'm really happy.
Um We have a baby.
A baby what, a human baby? Are you okay? Yeah, you just didn't want kids though.
Things change, em, his name's Mike.
Well, that has just made my day.
Well, go on, show me a picture like.
Are you okay? Yeah, it's just fucking Mallow and the pollen.
You don't have this problem up in Dublin at all.
Well, that has just made my day.
He's so cute! What age What age is he? He's one.
Wow! Yeah, I'll see what time I finish, but I might see you after.
All right.
See you later, man.
Thanks.
Just this please.
-Aisling.
Yeah? It's Jessie, Jessie O'Gara.
Jesus Christ, are you old enough to be in here? Yeah, I'm 18 now.
Jesus.
So what do you do now, do you have kids? Do I have kids? No, I do not.
You're the best babysitter we ever had.
Right.
Danielle here, leave a message.
Aisling! Aisling, Jesus.
What you are you doing here? How are you so drunk? The state of you like.
Unfortunately.
We're going home.
Please don't tell me that you two are Did she tell you our parents are Shut up, Aisling, come on.
Get in now or I'm leaving.
You're such a fucking dry balls, it's only 2 o'clock.
Yeah, you're going to be pregnant at the same time as mam! Good luck with that.
Jessie, sit down.
Are you all right, Aisling? Want me to get you a taxi? Why? Do you want to get a taxi somewhere with me? Where would we go? I don't know.
Where do you live now? Still at home, Ais.
Oh, so I don't know.
Find somewhere like.
Come on.
You grew up so well.
-Yeah.
You're so cute.
I don't know.
I am going back to Dublin.
Come with me.
I have school on Monday though.
Oh, Christ.
Stay in school, Jessie.
Excuse me, do you, uh, know when the next train to Dublin is? In four minutes.
-Listen Are you Donal O'Dowd's daughter? No, I get that all the time.
Aisling, isn't it? No, I'm Michelle, I'm not even from here.
You see, my bag was stolen last night outside the Protestant graveyard and I've no money and I have to get back to Dublin, is there any chance you can let me on? Sorry, I can't.
I mean, I could let you on but they won't let you off in Heuston without a valid ticket.
Could you ring ahead or something like, I've no phone or anything like,nothing.
When I get my card, I can ring and pay you back.
Oh, there is no need for that.
Go on.
I'll ring ahead and tell them your story.
If they stop you, tell them Brian from Mallow sent you.
Thanks, Brian from Mallow.
Do you have vodka? No spirits.
Okay.
Six of your most expensive cans then.
All the same price.
Grand so.
Do you have the same charger as me? Excuse me, I asked you a question.
I don't know what phone you have.
I have this one with an apple on it.
Yes, yes, I do.
Can I use your charger? Thank you.
So nice.
No.
Okay.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, you know me, you know me! -Come on.
Why are you letting those girls in? Don't manhandle me! I'm running out of patience, I'm trying to help you.
Why don't you help me by doing your job and letting me in? Maybe, maybe you could come in and have a drink with me.
Jesus Christ, no! Go home.
I'm hailing you a cab or I'll call the guards to pick you up.
Ugh! Only you would get a cab from here to my house.
Fat mess, I'll walk.
Don't waste your time calling Danielle.
Excuse me, Miss.
Miss, are you all right? Miss, hello.
Miss, can you-- -Get off me! No, not yet.
Can you stand up please, Miss? I just took a break from looking for my fucking shoe.
Will you stop poking me? Can you stand up, please? Can you be less repetitive, please? Not enough.
Right, can we get your name and address, please? Am I breaking the law, am I? No.
Yes, actually, you are drunk and incapable.
Incapable of what? Lads, look, let's just walk away from this.
Look, you're not in any trouble, Miss, it's just not a very safe place to be napping.
Do you live nearby I'm not telling you where I live.
We need to escort you home for your own safety.
This my house, I'm home, walk away.
You live here? Right, let's get you inside so.
Gardaí.
Sorry, sir, sorry to disturb you, does this lady live at your address? No, I live alone.
Really sorry to disturb you.
Dispatch a patrol car Come here.
Get off me! Right, I'm going to have to take you in.
You're a danger to yourself.
Aisling O'Dowd.
Aisling, do you understand why we are detaining you for your own safety? This is fucking slack, lads, I'm not Shane McGowan like.
Oh, this is this is highly unnecessary.
On route to station, female drunk and disorderly.
? Partly for the hell of it? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the story? ? It's where you get Your glorified high? ? Partly for the story? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the hell of it? ? It's where you get Your glorified high?
That's highly confidential information.
You invited non-staff to a Sweeney Grimes and Hunt event.
Your friend then disclosed confidential information about a client to the client's fund manager! Aisling, sort your shit out! Whatcha doing this weekend? Give me one day.
Okay, shots, ready, one, two One, two, three.
Hi, mam.
Coming home today, yeah? Yeah, I've no money though.
I'll book it, I'll put you on the 11.
No, 12.
No, 11.
Mam, I'm in the queue.
Call what out? The number, mam, the reservation number.
Didn't I send you an email? I can't access my work email, just call it out like.
Which one? There's three numbers here, Aisling.
David What do you want like? Mam, send an email to my work email.
Will you I'm on the Xbox! Well, pause the fucking Xbox, I can't access my email.
Aisling, I'll lose the match.
Just text me the number.
I'm definitely not sitting in the middle.
You have to, I get car sick.
-It's a three-minute drive.
Ah, lads, this is the last thing I need now, all right? He gets sick, Aisling, get in! For God's sake! Was there any need for you all to come and collect me? We're all just so delighted you're home! Rachel, is it? Sorry, I didn't see you there under all the foundation.
Are you for real like? Drop the attitude, Aisling, you're not 14.
Ugh! Stop.
Lads, will you sit up? Do you not have friends to go out and play with? We're watching TV like! You should be outside getting some fresh air or something.
Go outside like! You go outside.
-Mam, I'm hungry.
Can you all sit there on the couch? We need to have a chat.
Why are we constantly on top of each other? What's going on? Mam, Aisling's pushing me into the arm of the couch.
Your mother and I have been waiting to give you all a bit of news.
Do you have cancer? Rachel like! Do you? No, no, I don't have cancer, thanks be to God.
And we wanted ye all to be together so we can fill you in.
Are we getting Spanish students again? Ah, stop, lads, stop with the guessing.
Your father and I I'm moving in with mam, you can live with dad.
Jesus Christ! Will you shut up We're going to have another child.
A baby.
What? Yeah.
-Gross! I'm keeping my room.
Are you fucking serious? Watch your language now! -Watch your language Lads, are you for real? You're 49! You're going to be 70 at this child's 21st.
Do you know, I don't know why you're so upset.
You're not pregnant! Because I take precautions.
You know, we're actually very happy with the news.
Oh, well, as long as you're happy, that's the main thing, isn't it? Yeah, you can babysit for us.
Oh, Jesus! Is this the Truman Show? This cannot be happening.
If you ever breastfeed in front of me, I swear I'm going to kill myself.
You'll be breastfeeding? You don't know this now, lads, but this is a blessing and you'll all love this baby.
Are you aware of the risks, mam? Aisling, for God's sake, would you shut up? You are the worst.
This is your fault, and you I'm warning you, Aisling.
-Aisling! Mam, did you breastfeed me? Oh, my God, hi.
Hi, stranger! Jesus, I got a text off you, it was like a blast from the past, do you know what I mean? I know, yeah.
I was just in town and I was thinking about you.
So, um, do you want a drink? Um, I'll have a coffee.
Oh, you're serious? Yeah, just a coffee is fine, yeah.
I don't drink anymore.
Not that you don't drink, that I don't know you don't drink, you know.
Well, it's been a few years like, it's Yeah, I'll order.
Hi, what can you get you? Can I have two coffees, please? Two coffees, right.
So, fill me in, enough of this awkward small talk.
A bit, it's just so formal.
Sorry, sorry.
Come here, so tell me, what have you been up to? How's Dublin Ah No.
No, actually I'm I'm single.
Is that by choice or It's just the way it is like.
What about you, any women since us? Yeah, yeah, there was just the one.
Oh, what happened? Well, I'm sure you heard, um, we got married.
Two coffees.
You're married? Yeah.
Lovely.
That's That's so lovely, em, are you happy? I'm Yeah, I'm really happy.
Um We have a baby.
A baby what, a human baby? Are you okay? Yeah, you just didn't want kids though.
Things change, em, his name's Mike.
Well, that has just made my day.
Well, go on, show me a picture like.
Are you okay? Yeah, it's just fucking Mallow and the pollen.
You don't have this problem up in Dublin at all.
Well, that has just made my day.
He's so cute! What age What age is he? He's one.
Wow! Yeah, I'll see what time I finish, but I might see you after.
All right.
See you later, man.
Thanks.
Just this please.
-Aisling.
Yeah? It's Jessie, Jessie O'Gara.
Jesus Christ, are you old enough to be in here? Yeah, I'm 18 now.
Jesus.
So what do you do now, do you have kids? Do I have kids? No, I do not.
You're the best babysitter we ever had.
Right.
Danielle here, leave a message.
Aisling! Aisling, Jesus.
What you are you doing here? How are you so drunk? The state of you like.
Unfortunately.
We're going home.
Please don't tell me that you two are Did she tell you our parents are Shut up, Aisling, come on.
Get in now or I'm leaving.
You're such a fucking dry balls, it's only 2 o'clock.
Yeah, you're going to be pregnant at the same time as mam! Good luck with that.
Jessie, sit down.
Are you all right, Aisling? Want me to get you a taxi? Why? Do you want to get a taxi somewhere with me? Where would we go? I don't know.
Where do you live now? Still at home, Ais.
Oh, so I don't know.
Find somewhere like.
Come on.
You grew up so well.
-Yeah.
You're so cute.
I don't know.
I am going back to Dublin.
Come with me.
I have school on Monday though.
Oh, Christ.
Stay in school, Jessie.
Excuse me, do you, uh, know when the next train to Dublin is? In four minutes.
-Listen Are you Donal O'Dowd's daughter? No, I get that all the time.
Aisling, isn't it? No, I'm Michelle, I'm not even from here.
You see, my bag was stolen last night outside the Protestant graveyard and I've no money and I have to get back to Dublin, is there any chance you can let me on? Sorry, I can't.
I mean, I could let you on but they won't let you off in Heuston without a valid ticket.
Could you ring ahead or something like, I've no phone or anything like,nothing.
When I get my card, I can ring and pay you back.
Oh, there is no need for that.
Go on.
I'll ring ahead and tell them your story.
If they stop you, tell them Brian from Mallow sent you.
Thanks, Brian from Mallow.
Do you have vodka? No spirits.
Okay.
Six of your most expensive cans then.
All the same price.
Grand so.
Do you have the same charger as me? Excuse me, I asked you a question.
I don't know what phone you have.
I have this one with an apple on it.
Yes, yes, I do.
Can I use your charger? Thank you.
So nice.
No.
Okay.
Oh, wait, I forgot.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Oh, you know me, you know me! -Come on.
Why are you letting those girls in? Don't manhandle me! I'm running out of patience, I'm trying to help you.
Why don't you help me by doing your job and letting me in? Maybe, maybe you could come in and have a drink with me.
Jesus Christ, no! Go home.
I'm hailing you a cab or I'll call the guards to pick you up.
Ugh! Only you would get a cab from here to my house.
Fat mess, I'll walk.
Don't waste your time calling Danielle.
Excuse me, Miss.
Miss, are you all right? Miss, hello.
Miss, can you-- -Get off me! No, not yet.
Can you stand up please, Miss? I just took a break from looking for my fucking shoe.
Will you stop poking me? Can you stand up, please? Can you be less repetitive, please? Not enough.
Right, can we get your name and address, please? Am I breaking the law, am I? No.
Yes, actually, you are drunk and incapable.
Incapable of what? Lads, look, let's just walk away from this.
Look, you're not in any trouble, Miss, it's just not a very safe place to be napping.
Do you live nearby I'm not telling you where I live.
We need to escort you home for your own safety.
This my house, I'm home, walk away.
You live here? Right, let's get you inside so.
Gardaí.
Sorry, sir, sorry to disturb you, does this lady live at your address? No, I live alone.
Really sorry to disturb you.
Dispatch a patrol car Come here.
Get off me! Right, I'm going to have to take you in.
You're a danger to yourself.
Aisling O'Dowd.
Aisling, do you understand why we are detaining you for your own safety? This is fucking slack, lads, I'm not Shane McGowan like.
Oh, this is this is highly unnecessary.
On route to station, female drunk and disorderly.
? Partly for the hell of it? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the story? ? It's where you get Your glorified high? ? Partly for the story? ? Solely out of boredom? ? Mostly for the hell of it? ? It's where you get Your glorified high?