Cavendish (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - Hey, man.
- Hey.
- What you working on? - I'm taking over this advice column while the writer's on vacation.
- Oh, cool! - Yeah.
This this reader wants to know if he should quit his job to pursue his dream - of stand-up comedy.
- Yeah, that's a no, right? Yeah, I wrote, "No.
" That's it so far.
- That's all I have.
- I think that's all you need.
- I think that's enough.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Just push him off that path.
Man, this sounds like a really good gig for you.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
- No, I'm serious.
I mean, you give good advice, and you're a good writer, and you're thoughtful and smart.
Plus, also nice and generous.
- OK, what's this about? - Well the carnival is in town, and I sort of don't have money at the moment, and Dad and Ruth are still in Summerside.
- There it is.
- So I was hoping that you could give me some money to go to that, please.
- No.
- Please, man.
Please! It's so good this year.
They got a freak show tent.
Andy, some of these freaks are out of this world.
They got the tallest boy in the Maritimes under 12.
They have the world's oldest Red Hot Chili Peppers fan.
I'm not lending you any money.
What happened to all those gigs that you used to do? I don't know, my sources dried up, and I blew the last of my savings on my Rude Guy t-shirts.
- Have I shown you those? - No.
I'm actually wearing one right now if you want to have a gander.
There you go.
Haha! There he is.
- I'll sell you this one if you want it.
30 bucks.
40? 50? - No.
- No, you keep going up.
- $60.
- Mark, you need a job.
- Hmm! You need to get a real job.
That way, you can use the money that you make to do - the things you like.
- Andy, I wouldn't know how to get a job even if I wanted one.
Now, that is something I can help you with.
- What the hell is this little self-satisfied display? - Trying to help you.
That's awful.
Never do that face again.
(theme song) Well, we are hiring.
Are you both applying for the job? No, I'm just here for support.
It's Mark's first interview, and I just want to make sure he doesn't blow it.
He's not wrong to worry about that.
In many ways, I do not want this job, but in other ways, the money, I do want it.
Oh, wow, that is a refreshingly honest answer.
OK, let's look at this resume.
- You've used a very large font.
- Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, that's just to emphasize his strengths.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And also, just to be completely honest, it is not that much stuff on there.
The bigger font just kind of makes it look like more stuff.
Yeah.
Another very honest answer.
Thank you so much.
Hey, if you like honesty, Mayor Breeley, I can honestly (small chuckle) just lay it all out for you right now, - put my cards on the table.
- Oh! OK.
I'm a lazy guy, and he gets mad about it, - but not a lot he can do.
- I do.
I do.
I also will show up late.
It's mostly a power move that I kind of put out there if I'm ever feeling small, and I want to assert my dominance.
You know, see what they do about it.
Fire me if you want, you know.
I don't give a s! Pay me first.
- OK - Oh, he also has - his CPR certificate.
- Yeah, but that stands for Cool Prankster Rascal.
You said that was for first aid.
Yeah, 'cause I was pranking you like a cool rascal.
I cannot believe she offered you that job.
Yeah, well, I'm a charismatic guy, Andy.
I told you I win people over.
Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm not taking the job.
- What? Why? - Because I wouldn't get paid until Friday, and by that time, the carnival would already be gone.
OK, alright.
Well, we'll apply for a job at a bar, get some tips.
- I'm done playing around, man.
I just wanna go to the carnival.
- Yeah, but if you go - to the carnival, you won't have any money.
- I will figure it out, Andy.
I always do.
I'm a sneaky guy, I'm resourceful.
A problem solver.
Trust me, when I put my mind to things, I Oh, man, I can't get this tie off.
How do I get this tie off? - Just pull it.
- For real though, I can't.
- Let me try it.
- I'm making it way tighter, and it hurts me very badly.
It's making me choke, and I can't breathe.
- (repeating): It's OK.
- Thank you.
Jesus! Ugh! No, you hold it, I hate it.
See you later.
- (kids screaming) - (carnival music) (man): Do you wanna go faster? OK, Mark, show time.
Excuse me, Ma'am, do you have any tickets you could spare? Any tickets at all? Some money? It's not for me.
It's for my kid who's really sick.
He wants - to ride the Himalaya.
No? - Sorry.
Do you have any tickets or money you could spare? - Sorry, man, I only carry a day pass.
- Right.
Got you.
Oh, Bryn! Bryn, Bryn, Bryn, Bryn! Stop! - Can I borrow some money? - No, I already spent it all on my pass.
- I'm gonna see the furry twins.
- What's the furry twins? Two twins completely covered in fur.
Right.
So like part of the freak show or something? No, Mark, they run the tilt-awhirl.
They're not freaks, they're perfect.
They're perfect.
We're almost there.
Just a little calibration and - Hey, Dr.
Green.
- Oh, hey.
You don't have a couple bucks I could borrow, do you? I'm sorry, Mark, I've already spent $200 here.
- $200? Where's all your prizes? - You know, I didn't win a one, but I can't seem to stop.
You know, I think I may have a gambling problem.
I did not know that about myself.
Right.
Well, are you putting back spin on your throws? - Do you want to take a shot? - Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell you what, give me a cut of your prizes.
- OK.
- For real.
Yes, that's that's fine, yes.
Aaah alright.
AAAH! AAAH, look at this guy! - I know him, I know him.
- Told ya.
- - (people cheering) Ooh, yeah! Oh, - Dr.
Green? - Ha ha ha ha! Alright.
Kid, do your thing.
- (blowing air) - My man.
Come on now.
Papa needs a new potato guy.
(people cheering) I peeked a little.
I peeked a little.
OK.
There you go, pal.
Why don't you go give that to a sexual partner of your preference at school, OK? No judgment.
Under 18.
- Hey, man.
- Someone wants a word.
Yes, alright, cool.
Dr.
Green, if I don't come back, call the police, please.
(muffled carnival music) Thank you, Jethro.
Please, take a seat.
(ominous music) - My name is Marni.
- Hi.
- That's Jethro.
- Hi, Jethro.
- This is Evangeline.
- (with Quebecer accent): You're very good at, how you say the ball toss? You have won many potato men.
Well, I mostly gave 'em away.
I just like to play.
Cut this crap! Your playing is our profit.
Easy, Evangeline.
Just put the knife away.
She's really into knives right now.
It's a whole thing.
- Right.
- So - how long you been a carny? - Oh, I'm not a carny.
I'm a I guess, a carnival enthusiast.
Well, that makes things kind of difficult for us.
We let you run around here all weekend, we're not gonna have any prizes - left when we hit the next town.
- Right.
Well, you really don't have to worry about that.
I don't even have any money, so Yeah? How would you like some? I would like some very much.
Yes, please.
- Any amount.
- Alright.
I'm prepared to offer you a job.
- Are you serious? - Hm.
You want to give me a job? You don't wanna see my resume or anything like that? 'Cause it's bad.
As long as you haven't been convicted of any major crimes Sweet! Sorry, um, - how major are we talking about? - Major.
Then, I am almost certainly clean.
Great.
Evangeline will show you around.
Thank you so much! Thought I was gonna get killed when I came in here; this is way better.
Hey, step right up! Step right up! Five bucks gets you three balls! Six bucks gets you three balls plus I get a dollar.
Oh-oh! Good deal for me.
Hiya, Mark.
Great job earlier.
Look, you gotta spot me a couple of throws.
Dr.
Green, I told you.
There's no freebies, man.
- Mark, it's it's me.
- We don't have - that close a relationship.
- OK, OK, OK.
I mean, - what if I gave you this watch? - No, I'm not taking your watch.
- That's a really nice watch, man.
- Yes, it's a nice watch.
My father was a watchmaker.
It's the first he ever made.
He told me never to pawn it.
I can pawn it.
Don't pawn it.
Don't - don't pawn your dad's watch.
- Mark! Well, uh Bryn told me you're working here.
- What the hell, man? - One second, I'll be right with you.
Peanut, going on break, pal.
Let's go! Hey, what do you guys think of my getup? Pretty cool, right? Yeah, it's great.
Mark, you know I can get you - a better job, right? - What?! Are you kidding me? This place is perfect, Andy.
I get free rides, free prizes and more money than I know what to do with.
Check it out, I got a potato man phone case! - Wow, that's awesome! - Yeah, and it's so heavy.
Yeah, that's great, Mark.
It's just Isn't this place, like, - filled with weirdos? - Andy! No! That is such an old misconception.
These people are some of the greatest folks I've ever met! Peanut back there has died five different times.
And he says each time, he brought something back.
Isn't that wild? That's Beth over there.
She is the world's oldest Red Hot Chili Peppers' fan.
Hey, Beth! Beth! - Beth, how old are you? - 85! What are you listening to right now? - What do you think? - Hell yeah, girl! Hell yeah! Ooh! And that's Evangeline.
Come on, I want to introduce you guys.
Let's go.
- (carnival music playing) - Here we are.
Evangeline, threatened me with a knife when we first met, but we are cool now.
Hello, handsome.
Who are your friends? Oh, this is my brother Andy, and this is Bryn, the niece of a woman who may or may not be dating our dad.
- Hello.
- I like your necklace.
Is that a lock of hair in that vial? It's fur.
One of the furry twins gave it to me.
- I don't know which one.
- Those twins, they're such charmers.
Like this one there, huh? With his sweet face and his undernourished body.
- He's such a sweet one! - Well, the tone says compliment, so that's how I'm gonna take it.
One moment.
If I catch you cheating again, I will cut off your hand.
Cool! Right, we're gonna get going, Evangeline, but nice seeing you.
You know what, Bryn? Yesterday, Mark was unmotivated and borderline unemployable.
I don't like to pat myself on the back usually You've still got vomit on your shirt from the teacup ride.
Yeah, those things spin way too fast.
(phone ringing) - Yello? - Oh, hello, Andy.
- And how's my favourite son? - Oh! I'm good, Dad.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
I was actually asking - about Mark.
- Rollie - He's just kidding, Andy.
- I can't even see him, and I can tell how angry he is.
Hey, Andy, Ruth and me are staying another night in Summerside.
The yard sales out here are outrageous.
- Tell him about the skulls.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
We bought 50 human skulls.
Somebody was just selling 'em out in his yard.
Wait.
What guy has 50 human skulls? Who cares? Somebody offers you 50 human skulls at a fair price, you don't ask questions.
- Yes, you do! - So anyway, where is Mark? 'Cause I want to tell him about this gift - I've got him: a skull.
- Mark got a job.
- He's working at the carnival.
- Oh, that's nice! He's a carny! Or is there another term that they prefer to that? Maybe a person of carnival? Andy, what the hell is Mark doing working at a carnival? He wanted to go, but he didn't have any money, so I convinced him to get a job.
Why didn't you just give him the money?! Because he needs to learn responsibility, Dad.
Andy, let me explain something to you.
Carnivals are dangerous places, and Mark is a sweet, naive boy.
They will eat him alive! Mark is a 30-year-old man; I think he can take care of himself.
- Oh, is that what you think? - Yes! I mean, I'm starting to lose confidence, but overall yes! Oh, that's great.
Well, as long as you're happy with that.
I am! I am not going to baby Mark anymore, and you know what? Neither should you.
(hanging up phone) So then I said, "I don't care "how much you cry about it, if you don't got the tickets, - you don't get to ride, baby.
" - (all laughing) You did not say that.
I did.
I said it right to his 6-year-old face.
And he felt it.
He felt it.
- Haha! - Yeah, you were born for this work, man.
Just like the rest of us here.
I'm just sorry I didn't figure that out earlier.
Many of us came to it late in life.
I used to be a camera operator on films.
Ah, cool! Anything I might have seen? Are you familiar with the Ken Burns' Civil War documentary? Yeah.
What? You worked on that? No, I worked on a pornographic parody of it.
That was 50 hours, right, with some of the largest battle scenes in pornographic history.
- Battle scenes? Wow, OK.
- Oh, but it wasn't expensive.
Like, 'cause we just used like photographs, moving screen left, screen right and top to bottom.
- OK.
- Critics said our faithfulness to the form ruined any hint of eroticism.
Sure, OK.
Wow, that's amazing! - Thank you.
- You know.
Yeah.
Did you all have jobs before this too? Played in the CFL.
- (rock song in the background) - CFL CFL I won MVP seven times.
Right.
No, I'm just trying to My face is the first thing you see when you enter the Canadian Football Hall of Fame.
Football! There it is.
There it is.
I always forget that Canada has a football league, but cool! Good for you! OK, I'm gonna get another drink.
Anyone else want something? You're good? OK.
Be right back, guys.
(indistinct chatter) Soon, you will be joining us on the road.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
How far are we gonna travel anyway? Some carnivals cover the Maritimes, some the country, but our carnival covers the Maritimes.
Oh, OK, yeah.
Not really where I thought that was going, but right on.
You want to see what our living quarters look like? - Sure, yeah.
- Come on.
Oh, jeez! OK.
- Would you like a drink? - Oh, uh, yeah, sure.
It's a nice place.
Oh, OK Just two different liquors that were sitting out, that's fun.
Oh, it smells so old.
I'll put that there.
I never told you what I used to do for a living.
- Oh no, you didn't, no.
- I worked with the homeless.
- Oh, wow! That's really nice.
- I taught them how to fight for a series of online videos called Homeless Battles.
Right, OK, that is that is less nice than I thought it was.
- Very much so.
- OK.
This is moving so, so fast.
Um.
It's just like sort of starting to dawn on me that we don't know each other too well - You are so sweet, huh? - Oh So much nicer than my husband.
Yeah.
Yeah, I could have sworn you said "husband" there.
Oh, don't worry, we are separated.
I've made it very clear I care nothing for him or his precious Canadian football.
Your husband is Jethro? OK, I'm gonna go.
- I'm gonna leave this place.
No.
- I knew you were no good! - OK.
- One day in the carnival and you're already - angling for my girl! - Nothing happened, Jethro.
I am not your girl! We are separated! And you are having sex with strangers all the time! I did that once because you wanted to open up our relationship, - and I cried the whole time.
- Because you are weak! - Oh, wow! - Oh, bravo! Where did you learn to catch like that? - The stupid CFL? - It's not stupid.
It's much harder than the NFL.
We only get three downs instead of four, and our field is ten yards longer.
- Ten yards! - Spare me your defense of that ridiculous league, OK? Eight teams total; - 2 are called the Roughriders? - That was only for a bit.
Ottawa is called the Redblacks now.
- It's not perfect, but it's OK! - It is OK.
So I feel like this argument is no longer totally about me, so I'm just - gonna scoot pass you - You're not going anywhere! - Jethro, get away from me! - (Evangeline screaming) - (gasping) - What? What? Was that your - was that your favourite vase? - Those were my father's ashes, - you brute! - Ohhh - (dramatic music) - (dog barking) - Andy! - Hey, I brought vino! Turn around, Andy, we gotta get out of here! Dad was right, this place is bad! - Let's go! - Oh, oh my! Come back here and face justice - like a man! - Mark, what is going on?! Why do these people want to kill you? Just get inside first, come on! Go, go, go, go, go! OK, OK.
OK, OK, OK.
OK, let's go.
Let's try this again.
- (busy signal) - OK, OK, OK.
Busy, still busy.
Why wouldn't it be? Why would the only police officer in this town not have call waiting?! - Mark, what the hell is going on? - OK, so turns out I sort of almost hooked up with Evangeline, who's like married to Jethro, who's this former - CFL star monster - Wait, wait, wait.
That was Jethro Boyd? Like, seven times CFL MVP Jethro Boyd? I don't know.
What How do you know that? I love the CFL.
It's a harder league.
Just deeper end zones, only three downs, it's great.
Shut up! Where's Dad? He'll save us.
Dad?! - He's still in Summerside.
- Oh, my God, that's right.
There's nothing to save us now.
They're gonna kill me, Andy.
Those carnies, they probably got some crazy punishment in store for me.
They're gonna skin me alive.
They're gonna take my dick, Andy.
Oh! Andy, they're gonna take my dick.
- They're not gonna take your dick.
- I think they might No, they're not.
Look, look.
For all we know, we lost them.
(indistinct clamoring) OK.
Yeah, they probably have your address on file.
- What's going on? - Oh, God There's a bunch of carnival folk outside, Bryn, and they wanna kill me! - Are the furry twins there? - Did you hear what I said, Bryn?! They want to kill me! I'm gonna go put on something nice.
- I'm gonna go talk to them.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Don't do that, Andy.
Don't talk to them.
There's no talking here.
- No talking.
No talking.
- Mark.
It's OK.
Look - (soft music) - This is what big brothers do.
- Oh, shit! - We should have run when we had the chance, Andy, you idiot! Mark, you have been found guilty of two counts of carnival impropriety and in accordance with carnival law, Jethro has chosen trial by combat.
- What?! - OK.
We respect your custom, but isn't a fight to the death a bit extreme? It's not to death.
It's just to a certain degree of injury.
Oh, it's just to a certain degree of injury, Mark.
"A certain degree of injury?!" Then you fight him, Andy! OK.
Mark! Mark, Mark, Mark! His one weakness is he overruns his passes.
This isn't football, you moron! What the hell are you talking about?! Oh, my God! He's ripped! (lamenting indistinctly): with his shirt off! (punk rock music) (gunshot) - - Crush him, Jethro! (inaudible shout) (inaudible speech) - (angry honking) - HEY! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! This is my property, so you can all clear off right now.
Please and thank you! Sorry, sir, this is an internal matter pertaining to official carnival business.
And once it's settled, we'll be out of here.
I know all about your "carnival law".
And that means I know that the aggrieved could accept reconciliation in goods rather than blood - if he, or she, so chooses.
- Well, yes.
But Jethro has chosen - trial by combat.
- Yes.
Well Jethro hasn't seen what I have to offer.
For instance Fifty human skulls! - Where'd you get 'em? - (Ruth laughing) Hey! When someone sells you 50 human skulls at a fair price, - you don't ask questions! - I hear that! - Rollie said it earlier.
- What do you think, sweetheart? If we piled up these skulls, they'd make a nice shrine to your father.
- (soft melody) - Oh That would be really nice.
We'll take 'em.
Do you think Jethro would give me an autograph? The hell is wrong with you, man? (tired sigh) I'm sorry, Dad.
I never should've let Andy talk me into joining - the job market.
- That's right, son.
Listen, next time you need money, just come and see me.
How is that the lesson here? He can't spend his whole life without a job.
Hey, you can just hush your mouth.
You pushed him into all this.
And it cost me fifty skulls.
Fifty skulls, Andy.
- Fifty - How is he gonna replace those? Uh? Those don't come along at a fair price every day.
(long inhaling) Well I'm just glad it all worked out for the best.
The whole family back together, in the kitchen.
Doing our thing.
Minus Bryn.
Where where is Bryn? Guaranteed she followed those furry twins - back to the carnival.
- Yes.
- That's a 100% what happened.
- Oh, I don't believe it OK.
Well, I'm sure everything is just fine, but just in case I think that we should probably all hop in the truck and go track her down.
OK.
Now, please.
Now, now, now.
I'm actually feeling very worried about this.
Go, go.
(indistinct mumbling) (panicking): Let's go! You can make your life a misery if you try