Chad (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

1
TOGETHER: [CHANTING] We're number one!
We're number one!
We're number one!
YOUNG MAN: Whoo!
♪♪
[ELECTRONIC SOUNDS ECHOING]
♪♪
YOUNG WOMAN: No justice!
TOGETHER: [CHANTING] No peace!
No justice!
No peace!
No justice!
No peace!
No justice!
No peace!
No justice!
♪♪
Great.
I guess my ass needs an identity.
♪♪
You could do a sport, like maybe
one of the intramural teams?
Peter, you know I refuse to sweat.
Mm.
Uh, you could try
the Speech and Debate club.
Okay, Denise,
I cannot stress this enough.
I actively hate everyone
involved in that activity.
Guys, these aren't really
feeling like Chad to me.
Like, when you describe me
to others, what do you say?
- What?
- You know,
Like, when you're
describing me to various people
you're trying to impress, like,
what would you say my thing is?
You don't like being outdoors.
You also don't like being indoors.
Guys, these are honestly dead on,
but, like, what do I like?
What about Asian Appreciation Club?
Oh, I don't know
if Chad would like that.
Well, Chad's right here. Let's ask him.
What's Asian Appreciation Club?
It's really neat.
We dip our toes into everything
that's great about Asian culture.
We read manga, sample Asian candies,
and watch Chinese action films.
Wait, so you just sit around
eating snacks
and watching movies for credit?
What a scam. I love it.
Yeah, sign my ass up.
It's not a scam.
It's about honoring Asian experiences.
And understanding the culture
and exploring the issues.
Yep, I'm into all that
P.F. Chang's, Awkwafina, the whole deal.
It's not about P.F. Chang's.
It's about culture.
Okay, Denise, whatever it is
you need to hear me say,
just pretend I said it.
♪♪
[SIGHS]
Oh, God.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WOLF-WHISTLES]
Playa pimp! [CHUCKLES]
Excuse me?
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to whistle.
That was weird.
Um, I'm just going
to Asian Appreciation Club.
I'm not, like, excited
about it or anything.
I'm sorry, were you gonna say something?
Your mouth moved a little bit.
No, no.
Hey, uh, bump me.
[LAUGHS]
Alright, well
Alright, see ya.
Wow, sitting on the floor
right out of the gates.
Wow, you're here.
Ah, it's like my two favorite
worlds are finally colliding.
Peter, stop waving.
I'm three feet away from you.
Welcome to
Asian Appreciation Club, Chad.
Please feel free to peruse
our art, food,
and literature station.
Thank you. I will.
[GONG CRASHES]
Your people like that sound, Denise?
Sorry. Wow.
And now for the moment
I've been excited for most.
I'd like to introduce you
to someone very special to me.
- Fantastic.
- Yeah.
- Whoa.
- PETER: Yeah.
It's a fully functioning,
perfect-grade Gundam model.
I've been working on it for 32 hours.
It has an internal skeleton.
You a freak, my man.
How quickly can you fire up
one of these for me?
Very.
Hell yeah.
Great club, you guys.
I seriously appreciate Asia now.
In fact, I'm gonna head on
over there and appreciate
the Asian craftsmanship
that went into this iPhone.
See ya.
[SIGHS]
[MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS]
♪♪
Hey, man.
Just want to say
I'm really loving your choices,
like, head to toe.
You look sick, dude.
Thanks.
What's your birth name?
Mine's Ferydoon.
What, were you born, like,
Kiko or something?
No, just Kevin.
You were born Kevin?
Yeah.
That wasn't, like,
a late-in-the-game pivot?
No.
Kev-dog, what are you
What are you watching?
It's K-pop, man.
Oh. Oh, yeah, K-pop.
[SINGING IN KOREAN]
Drama ♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
Hey, yeah, yeah ♪
Are you done?
Can I have my bud back, please?
Uh-huh.
♪♪
One spaghetti for Mrs. Popular,
and one for Mr. Cellphone Music.
Honey, put that away.
Oh, my God.
Have you guys, like, heard
about this K-pop thing?
It's awesome. You probably haven't.
It hasn't really hit the States yet.
Slow down, you're gonna choke.
[COUGHING]
Chad, chew your food.
Drink some water.
[COUGHS]
Ugh.
It's awesome.
It's basically this Korean
mash-up of pop,
hip-hop, and R&B.
And they have to go to these,
like, crazy schools
where they basically train
for like 17 hours a day,
and some of them even have
to get plastic surgery.
It's so awesome, Mom.
You're so stupid.
Everyone already knows about K-pop.
It's literally one of
the most famous things on earth.
Which Which is what I'm saying.
We all know about K-pop and
And we all like it.
I'm really glad you're excited
about something, Chad.
I really am.
It's so sick, Mom.
I feel like it was made for me.
I mean, it was made
for teenage girls, but okay.
Oh, yeah? Can a teenage girl do this?
♪♪
Oh, those moves.
Your Chad is talented.
This is K-pop.
Wow.
♪♪
[SINGING IN KOREAN]
Denise: The multicultural
assembly is only two weeks away,
and we're gonna show this school
what Asian Appreciation Club
is all about.
Hey, Kev, check it out.
Got that MONSTA X merch.
The website wasn't in English,
so I accidentally bought
37 of them if you want one.
Tight.
Which is why this year I decided
we're going to do a traditional
Chinese tea ceremony.
[COUGHS] Weak sauce.
Excuse me?
I coughed and said "weak sauce," Denise.
Your idea is horrifying.
Do you have any better ideas, Chad?
Actually, I do.
You guys have been sitting on
an Asian gold mine,
and that gold mine is K-pop.
Why don't we do a K-pop concert
and blow the lid off
this whole damn school?
I-I don't think a K-pop
performance is appropriate
for an educational assembly.
You're right, Denise.
Yeah, maybe we should just do
the tea ceremony then.
O-Oh, and while we're
humiliating ourselves,
maybe we can throw on some baby overalls
and stick our thumbs up our asses.
Or we can be the most popular
club in school
and be rock-star legends!
Chad, you can't just show up and
derail Asian Appreciation Club.
Baby doll, you're not even full Asian.
Your dad's a Polish real-estate agent,
and I'm Iranian, which is
smack dab in the middle of Asia.
So it turns out I can't derail
Asian Appreciation Club
because I am Asian Appreciation Club!
Who's with me?!
Are you guys in or what?
This is gonna be awesome!
Come on, Denise!
What do you say, Kevin?
I know what that
tiny little shrug means.
Kevin's in! Let's do it.
♪♪
It's okay, it's okay. We can do
the tea ceremony next year.
♪♪
And 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.
Strike and mm, and pose, and uh-huh.
On time. Okay, get into formation.
Pump those balls, even the girls.
More in sync, you guys, come on.
This time on the beat. Faster, Peter.
Like you got a huge-ass crush
on someone.
Now get that money out.
We have too much money!
We need to get rid of some of it.
Everyone's looking confident.
Would it kill you to smile, Denise?
Give me one of these
and go into a heart.
Ohhh!
We are from Korea!
Good.
[KNOCKING]
Chad, get out of the bathroom!
I need to pee.
Pee in the backyard.
Mom!
Chad's been in the bathroom for an hour.
I think he's, like, jerking it.
Okay. I got it.
Honey? Is everything okay in there?
Yeah, I'll be right out.
[SIGHS]
Chad, what is that on your face?
Oh, it's a sheet mask
made of Korean shark sperm.
If you want glass skin,
you got to work for it, Mom.
- Freak.
- Sticks and stones, whore.
Chad!
Not you!
Mom, check this out.
Is that you?
Yeah.
I mean, hopefully it will be one day.
I-I just got to get a job
to pay for all my surgeries.
Uh, honey, aren't you taking all this.
K-pop stuff a little too far?
Are you kidding, Mom? I love it.
It's like I'm finally part
of an awesome culture
I can be proud of.
What about being Persian?
We have amazing food, incredible tea,
and people love our cats.
Pass.
- I don't want any of that.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
If you like cool music,
you'll love this.
[ SINGING IN FARSI]
Hey!
Dokhtar Irooni mesleh goleh ♪
This is a classic! Come on,
Chad, why aren't you dancing?
I'm upset.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
Oh, hey, Reid.
A-Are you, um, going to the
multicultural assembly tomorrow?
Well, yeah, it's mandatory,
so I kind of have to.
For sure, for sure.
Um, 'cause me and
the Asian Appreciation Club
are gonna be doing a K-pop performance.
K-pop? Really? Wow.
Y-Yeah, that's really cool, right?
Yeah. It's just
It's like a really big swing, you know?
Takes a lot of balls,
but you're a maniac, dude.
I love it.
I'm a maniac. [CHUCKLES]
[ SINGING IN KOREAN]
♪♪
- That was good.
- Yeah, that's getting better.
The snap was like
- Yeah.
- Alright.
You guys thought that was great?
- Yeah.
- All pretty proud of yourselves,
but that was dog shit.
That was full-on dog shit
stuck to a horse's penis.
I didn't think it was that bad.
I mean, we were having fun, right?
I'm surprised you guys
didn't pee your pants
because that's how little
control you had
over your bodies.
The performance is tomorrow.
Does everyone understand
K-pop is a big swing?
Come on, Chad.
Let's do it again.
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.
Stop! Stop, stop.
Peter, what was that?
That was a body roll.
Oh, my God, he thinks that was a body
I need you to show up, Peter.
Have you even been practicing?
Of course I have.
All I do is practice this
and work on my Gundam robot.
I'm taking that away from you.
- What?
- I'm taking it away from you.
- You're distracted.
- No, no, no, no, no!
Chad, I'm so close to finishing it.
Please, it's not Little Peter's fault.
You named him Little Peter?
Wha That's so weird!
- He's not your little son!
- So hectic.
Stop, the glue's still drying!
Chad, you're gonna
Sorry. I'll put
Help put him back together.
Just leave it, Chad.
You've touched him enough.
Chad, you're taking this way too far.
You're being a jerk.
Here we go.
Denise is being a hater.
Very surprising turn of events not.
Right, guys? Not.
Right, Kevin?
I mean, I hesitate to engage with you,
but you are being wack.
How could you pop off at me like that
after everything we've been
through together?
As a founding member
of the Asian Appreciation Club,
I'm calling an emergency vote.
All those in favor of kicking
Chad out of the club.
♪♪
Well, I'm really sorry
you guys feel that way.
But guess what, I'm gonna
do this concert
with or without you.
I don't even care
if it's a one-man show.
Watch me rep this damn culture
all by my damn self.
Sayonara, bitches.
[CRUNCH]
♪♪
Dear God or Allah or
little baby Jesus or whatever,
I've never really prayed before,
but figured
I'd give it a try since
I'm so scared
about tomorrow's performance.
Chaddy joon.
You're praying?
Just figured it couldn't hurt.
You want to know what I think God is?
What?
I think God is just love.
Okay, I don't really know
what to do with that.
I'm just not sure how random-ass love
is gonna save me from
this performance tomorrow.
Well, that is why you have your friends
going up there with you
To have your back, lift you up,
to keep you from eating shit.
What? What do you mean?
Oh, my God, Chad,
when I was your age, I ate so much shit.
I thought I was this hotshot
little man boy who knew it all.
But I was wrong.
Without friends, you're basically
a lonely little street rat
eating shit left
and right breakfast, lunch,
snack, and dinner.
You're a shit-eating machine.
You're a shit-eating machine?
Man, if it was just you up
there on this stage,
[CHUCKLES] goddamn,
that would be depressing.
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
You Just you alone, freaking out.
[LAUGHS]
I Don't even think about it.
♪♪
I don't want to eat shit.
♪♪
[SHOFAR SOUNDING]
Te-ki-yaaah!
[APPLAUSE]
CHARLES: Yes. Let's give it up
for little Bobby Padnik,
who is bringing the High Holy
Days to Westpark High, right?
Dare I say
Shofar, so good.
We got your text, Chad.
What do you want?
You know, they say sorry
is the hardest word.
Well, guess what.
I'm brave then, because I'm sorry.
I'm hanging by a thread,
begging you for forgiveness.
Please, please forgive me
so we can perform together.
It's all I'll ever ask of you,
and I promise
I won't F-up again.
Denise, I'm sorry I called
you a half-Polish loser.
I don't remember you saying
those exact words, but
Well, I definitely did.
I-I honestly went out
of my way to do it.
Multiple times.
Don't you have someone
you owe an extra apology to?
Kevin, brosef, my main man
I'm talking about Peter.
Peter, Peter pumpkin eater.
Man, we've been through a lot together.
I'm so sorry I completely
murdered your beautiful robot.
Little Peter was an absolute gem,
and it would be my honor
to buy you a new Little Peter.
Thank you for remembering
his name, but he was $500.
Let's put a pin in that.
I love you so much.
Okay.
Guys, I am so sorry,
and I'm trying to be
vulnerable as hell right now,
standing before you as
a little boy in a floral blouse
just straight-up
holding my dick in my hands.
So what do you say?
Let's blow the roof off this
gymnasium and do our dance!
Please, Denise.
Please. I mean,
we did practice extremely hard.
Up next, Asian Appreciation Club
with a tribute to K-pop.
[APPLAUSE]
♪♪
MAN: Hey!
♪♪
Dramarama ♪
♪♪
Ow!
[ SINGING IN KOREAN]
♪♪
No way, not funny ♪
[ SINGING IN KOREAN]
♪♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
Hey ♪
[ SINGING IN KOREAN]
♪♪
Chad: Dramarama, dramarama ♪
Dramama dramama mamama ♪
And 5, 6, mama, 6, mamamama ♪
Dramam Ramama ♪
[APPLAUSE]
- That was awesome.
- Crushed it.
Really did. I was like
And then you were like, "Aah!"
And then Peter was like, "Ah!"
- And the girls were also in it.
- We got to celebrate.
How about we grab some Boba
and hang out at my place?
Hell yeah! Kevin, you in?
- Yeah.
- Kevin's in!
Oh, my God, yeah!
Chad, come here. [LAUGHING]
What? Oh, I'll be right
[CLEARS THROAT] right back.
Chad, that dance thing
was freaking hilarious.
You had me cracking up.
Way to make fun of the assembly.
You bodied that shit.
I was supposed to be funny,
so that's good that
that's what that was to you.
But seriously, dude,
you're really freaking funny.
You should write memes.
Thanks, I'll try to immediately.
Uh, do you like tacos?
We're gonna go make a Del run.
Uh, I love tacos. [CHUCKLES]
Okay, cool, let's bounce.
Okay, I'm coming with you.
Chad, I thought we were
gonna grab some Boba.
I
just have to eat tacos.
Okay, Chad. Have a super night.
We'll miss you.
Hey, Reid, wait up!
Yeah, that makes sense.
♪♪
Reid, wait up!
REID: Tacos! Tacos!
Tacos! Tacos!
Tacos! Tacos!
[SIGHS]
You guys, you're never gonna believe it!
I changed my mind!
[SINGING IN KOREAN]
♪♪
♪♪
Dramarama ♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
Dramama Ramama Ramama, hey ♪
[SINGING IN KOREAN]
Dramarama ♪