Chickens (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hosannah in Excelcis E'en so here below, below, let steeple bells be swungen And I-o, i-o, i-o Bert, what are you doing? Oh, sorry! Sometimes I like to sing Christmas songs when it's not even Christmas.
No, not that.
What are you wearing? Just my house dress.
What's that? It's a dress to change into when I come home.
Not an explanation.
If it's jealousy at work here, I bought you one each as well.
Where are all these dresses coming from? All right, I'll tell you the story.
I did go to the gents' outfitters to look for some non-dresses.
Some clothes.
But they've been shut up, so I went to Frocks By Fiona instead and, word to the wise, they've got some genuinely innovative pieces in there.
Are you wearing make-up? Oh, my God.
Spanish inquisition.
How much have you got on? Not very much.
Right.
People aren't really wearing a lot of make-up at the moment.
So you're not wearing very much, but only because it's not fashionable to wear very much.
Oh, yeah.
If it was fashionable, I'd slather it on.
I'm definitely a more is more kind of guy.
This quiz has lost a certain something since the men left.
It used to be brilliant.
Now it's just What's the best way to cheer up a friend whose relationship has ended? This sort of thing.
Anything for that, George? I'm on terrible form.
I'm not going to be winning any prizes for answering pub quiz questions, that's for sure.
Question six - share an experience, however small.
And what do we put for that? I don't know, it's not even a question.
Time to sprinkle my tinkle.
Oh, sorry.
Don't you want to use the toilet? Yeah, but There's one free there.
Thank you.
That's fine.
Yeah, so, as I was saying, my left one is bigger than my right one.
Do you wear a special bra? No, I just pad it out with tissue.
In fact Can I pinch a square? What's up, Cecil? The men's toilets were out of order.
They're being used for storage.
Storage of what? The billiards table mainly.
Well, let's get that back out.
I think that might be a bit tactless.
What, because it would disrupt the quiz? No, because of the memories of the men who used to play billiards around it, many of whom are now dead.
Yeah, dead from embarrassment.
Bottom of the inter-village league 1913.
The lads had an absolute shocker.
So I went into the ladies and there were some ladies in there.
So I went to leave, but they didn't seem to mind.
And then they started talking about their bodies, as though I wasn't even there.
I'm going to try.
George.
George.
Question four - nutmeg.
Nutmeg, of course! You grate it on top.
George, I don't approve of cheating.
It's not cheating, I knew that, I just hadn't written it down.
I thought you said we were allowed to do whatever we wanted? I didn't say that.
It was that man there! We should probably go.
I love our home.
Home from home.
The Home Secretary.
It's funny to think without the war the three of us would never have been brought together.
Cecil wouldn't have been chucked out of his house, and Cecil wouldn't have been reclassified as an cripple.
They're both me.
Oh, Christ, I think the Headmaster is paying us one of his visits.
What? No! Shh.
Hello, Headmaster.
This is a bad place.
Would you like to come in? Me? Set foot in here? Not if you don't want to.
All right, I will.
You men not having another drink? It's only Tuesday.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present George, the human calendar.
Always knows what day it is.
That's not a bad thing, Bert.
It's not a good thing.
It is a good thing.
Jesus.
You're not all here are you? The full set.
I'm just off to bed actually.
Stay now you're here.
What have you got to get up for anyway? Fair point.
That's right, linger.
Suffer me to see you.
Look at this dump.
I feel better already, thinking about how you all live.
In each others' pockets.
Broken souls, broken men, bad people.
It makes me rather gay.
One for the road, George, then I'll be out of your way.
And that's the thing about Hindus, they walk from right to left, no matter what direction you wanted to go in the first place, and that's why they can't, for the life of them, establish any kind of internal infrastructure.
Does that answer your question? I didn't ask a question.
Well, I must say I feel in much better fettle.
There's nothing like the shock to the system you get coming into a hovel like this.
You've done me a service.
Good night, you miserable creatures.
Good night, Headmaster.
By the way, just wanted to double-check you've remembered about my strike tomorrow.
What strike? I'm going on a day's strike in protest at the withdrawal of German from the curriculum.
I did drop you a note.
Is that what it was? I didn't understand a word of it.
I thought it would be amusing to write it in German.
Well, that's taken the shine off what was shaping up to be a very nice little evening.
Oh, don't let George get to you.
Let me tell you something about George.
According to his fiancee, he once got blown over by some wind.
What a travesty of a man.
It's true.
It's true.
Do you know what his favourite food is? It's mackerel.
Well, that makes absolutely perfect sense! Bert, what are you doing? What's your name, soldier? Soldier, of all things.
It's Bert.
Fancy a taste of the chalk, Bert? Have you got some on you? I mean would you like to be a teacher? It's easy.
I'll do it.
I'm not convinced by you.
Why not? Why does nobody believe in me? Will you do it? Love to.
And the irony is you led me right to him.
The main irony is he can't add up.
What a terrible evening.
Well, didn't follow any of that.
Hope he didn't leave on my account.
No.
You've just agreed to cover George's work tomorrow.
Hmmm, interesting.
What was it you did again, George - boxer, was it? Teacher.
Boxing teacher? Maths teacher.
Where have I got boxing from? I don't know.
Why have you bought tinned liver? It was the only thing she would sell me.
This has a best before date of 1901.
Ladies first.
Oh, thank you.
Did you hear that? What? She said, "Ladies first.
" Oh, right.
Ha.
There's something going on in this village.
It's almost like men and women are not equal, that would be ridiculous, but it's like they don't know I'm a man.
Is that it? Have they forgotten that I'm a man? Oh, dear, Cecil.
You've really got your knickers in a twist.
I don't wear knickers.
I'm a boy.
Ah! Ladies, can I help? That's all right.
We're almost finished now is all.
Also, it's pretty tough on account of it being traditionally man's work.
I wish we were men! You're better off out of it, sweetheart! Thanks though! So are you saying? Cos the thing is, to a certain extent, I am a man.
Oh right, yeah, I get that.
Well, what's the difference really? Men, women.
We're all, in a sort of human sense, women.
We're all women? Oh, no, I just meant in the sense of 'womankind Anyway, thanks for the offer.
Ooooh, I like your shoes.
Thanks.
My name is Bert Walpole and I have some things to teach you.
You want my opinion, you're wasting your time here.
My dad used to say, if you want some money, marry a rich old whore and slit her throat.
You're giving her 8 out of 10? You're giving Neelands an eight? I don't know what you see in her.
These two are not even in the same league.
Who's got the whisky? Birthmark, have you had all of that? Jesus, show a bit of restraint.
Kidding, I'd do the same in your shoes.
Prop him back up.
Ragged a Duchess once.
They do not screw like the rest of us.
He knows what I mean.
Is this a more acceptable noise level, Mrs Littlefair?! How long's that been? Is that nearly the end of the day? It's only ten past nine, Bert.
Bloody hell.
Cecil, you old bollocks! Constance? What are you doing here? I'm over from town.
Mum's expanding the delivery route and I'm covering my brother's round.
How's it going? Not great.
They're making me wee sitting down and calling me ladies first.
Why? I dunno.
I guess cos I'm not in the army.
But you've got flat feet.
So what's the issue? People don't realise how serious an affliction it is.
I know! An army pack weighs 80 pounds.
Broken arches can't spread the weight evenly without crippling pain.
Yes, thank you! Your feet become so sore and swollen, they can't fit into the boot.
Bloody right! God, I wouldn't be seen with you if I thought you were a shirker.
I hate those bastards.
George Wright for example.
You have to take an absolutely firm line with creatures like that.
They should be locked in a cell with a cannibal and when the cannibal eats them, he should be knighted or made an MBE.
Constance, may I say something? What you just said has really moved me.
Good to see you, Cecil.
Nice to spend some time with a man for a change.
I'll have to make the most of you.
Oh, boy.
What a day.
Such a long day.
So long, I thought it was never going to end.
Absolutely.
It was the longest day of my life.
Hey, Winky.
Schnarf! Schnarf! Bad! What's this? Don't ask.
Go on.
She'll tell you about it later, George.
I wish he was in every day.
Sorry, I think we're both just a little bit giddy.
Too much time together.
Practically inside her.
I must admit it does tickle me to see my betrothed laugh so much In a second, I'll have to do Dr Wigglebum.
No, don't.
I'm going to get a drink.
Don't you dare.
Women shouldn't have to get their own drinks.
They should be pampered.
Bert.
What? Can you not kiss my fiancee, please? I could just as easily say, can you not kiss my colleague.
That's not a rule in quite the same way.
Also I didn't kiss her.
Can't get near her.
Yeah.
Sorry.
I won't kiss her in front of you.
And I'll assume you won't kiss her behind my back either.
Assume away.
Cecil? What's that, a girl? The first rumble of adolescence.
Shut up, Bert.
Thought this must be your house, it says Fat Ugly Cripple above the door.
So, I've ended up staying with my aunt and going back tomorrow.
I expect you must be busy this evening Not in any way.
You must have lots of your own things to be getting on with though.
Nothing.
Nothing in my life.
Apart from you.
Apart from you coming round.
'Be a bit keener.
' And look, you've got people over, I'm going to go.
Really nice to see you.
Cecil, are you not going to invite your guest in? What are they doing here? Yes.
What it is They are staying here so that I can talk them into joining the army.
Like beating my head against a brick wall.
Do you three spend a lot of time together? None.
I literally only come to this house to sleep.
So every night? Sounds like a lot when you put it like that.
I suppose it must be every night though.
It's every other night.
A lot of the time I don't bother to come home, so actually I rarely bump into them.
This is really the first time we've spent together in ages.
Good to see them, actually.
I mean, not good.
Bad.
But unusual to see them.
My, how they grow.
Well, perhaps I better come back at another time.
No, no, stay.
These two were just going to the pub.
On laundry night? I'd love to hear how that works, Cecil.
Fine.
You two stay here if the thought of a couple of hours in a warm pub is really so impossible to bear.
We'll go to the pub.
Wait for us.
Where are you going? Pub.
You just made it sound quite nice.
Right, this is a separate trip.
We do not recognize it.
Stay a minimum of 20 paces back at all times, and do not engage with us socially at any point during the evening.
Hello, watch your wallets, folks.
You pubbing it tonight, Dribbler? Damn hell right, I am.
It's going to be biblical.
See you later.
You'd make a good father, Bert.
Oh, slow down, Winky, I don't think we've got to that stage yet.
Oh, no! Although, hypothetically, I think you and I would actually have really beautiful children.
Well, if they had your eyes And your body Okey-dokey.
Just going to drop my bag off.
All right, my love, I'll wait for you here.
Back in a tick! I'll be waiting too.
Bert, there's something I feel I must raise.
I love our moments, George.
Ever thought about growing a moustache? Possibly.
I'd be happy to supervise it if you wanted.
All right.
I didn't What do you mean supervise? You'd be the boss, George.
I'd follow your lead.
Right.
Well, we'll look into that, but in the meantime there is something else.
You're hoping that I might about-turn on the old Winky offensive? If possible.
George, don't say another word about it.
You're a good friend of mine.
Thanks.
So you are going to lay off her then? No can do, I'm afraid, old toss.
But you just said you would.
No, I said don't say another word about it because tedium doesn't even cover it and you're a good friend of mine, that's just an irrelevant fact, at the end.
Adding a fact on at the end - doesn't cost anything.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Please, Bert, I love Winky so much, and I've wanted her to be my wife for four and a half years and now it's finally happening and I'll take care of her and we're going to live a quiet, happy life together.
I'm going to buy five Dobermans and they'll all sleep in the bed with me, we've both got plans for the future, George.
At least what I'm doing's original.
Please, don't be facetious, this is my life.
All right, look.
I'm not very good at matters of the heart.
The thing is It's so difficult to express myself.
Bear with me.
Take your time.
OK.
I've bloody hell.
I've wanted Winky to be my wife for four and half years now.
Bert! And, you know, it's finally happening.
You can't just steal my emotions, Bert.
Why not? You must have stolen yours from somewhere! Hi, love.
Hi, sweetie.
Oh, this looks promising.
Tell me why you're miserable and whatever else terrible is happening to you.
Winky's receiving sustained attacks from Bert and I'm powerless to defend her.
Oh, God.
You see what happens, George? You've given her a taste for the dark stuff and now she needs ever greater quantities of it to keep her satisfied.
I suppose I did rather give her a taste for the dark stuff.
Well.
This situation is going to be reversed.
I will not have her slip into the pit.
Thanks for not considering me the pit.
Bert's the bottom of the pit.
You're a little seat carved into the side of the pit.
Doesn't sound too bad.
It is bad.
Depends what the pit's like.
It's a bad pit.
Well, this is nice.
Something new.
Speaking of introducing Winky to new things, why don't you tell her your views on marriage, Bert? Oh, glad you've asked.
I know the past 10,000 years have not been kind to this idea, but it is my belief that the wife should be buried alive along with the husband when he dies so that he may keep her in the next world.
Too easy.
Here you are, my love.
Go on then, Cecil, I'll treat ya.
No, I'll get it.
Keep quiet, I'm doing you a favour! Buy yourself something nice.
What's happening? It's just a bill, Cecil.
You've still got a cock.
Yes.
I certainly have.
Excuse me.
You've forgotten your handbag.
It's not my handbag.
It's mine.
It's NOT my handbag.
I've had just about enough of this.
Right.
Order! Order, pub!! I am a man! And I'm going to prove it to you.
That statement never leads anywhere good.
I want you to challenge me to assert my manhood in some way, physical or violent if necessary, dangerous and frightening if possible.
What can Cecil do, ladies and gentlemen? Cut your head off.
Not doing that, obviously.
I like the thought though.
Fly out of the pub.
OK, you're mucking around now.
Go back in time.
All right, Nellie, don't subvert it.
I was thinking more steal Frew's village sign or like eat five worms? Something like that? Anyone? Hello? You? Oh, sorry, I'm not involved in this, I'm not actually from this village.
I'm just staying here on my way to Lincoln.
OK, you can still contribute.
Yeah, sorry, I don't know what you're doing.
Sorry, sorry everyone.
I'm just staying here on my way to Lincoln.
Climb into a field with a bull! Yes.
Thank you.
I'll do it.
Sleep in a grave.
OK.
Get a tattoo.
Right, there are three now.
So which one am I going to do? Lincoln, what do you think? What do I think about what? Which of the three options should I do? What are the options? Oh, my God.
Get a tattoo Yeah, that one.
Do you want to hear the other options? No, the first one.
Not bothered.
Tattoo.
Another drink for our tattoo artist! She's already pretty drunk.
Does she really need another one? You won't regret this, Cecil, no-one ever regrets tattoos.
Right, let's do this.
Gladys? Um, is that knife clean? It's self-cleaning.
Expose the flesh.
I do two designs.
Pair of hairy balls or a thistle.
I'll have the thistle, please.
I don't do the thistle any more.
Bloody piss-taking Scots taking the Michael.
Where's your ink? Where's your ink, mate? Um.
Is there anyone else who could do this? Do you want to try and get the knife off her? Come on! This is doing my head in!! Can we just fucking get on with it?! Not too late to pull out of it, mate.
No, I'm not pulling out of it, George.
For the blood.
Get me something bigger.
Get me the yard.
No, I am pulling out of it.
You're right.
I'm a woman.
Definitely.
I'm a delicate, vulnerable, long-haired, pregnant woman.
My kind of girl.
Hello, Constance.
You are a man.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming round here to say that.
And I know that you would have signed up What are you doing? I need to get something from my bike.
Bert, stop! Let me past! Do you hear me, Cecil? No.
What? Not you.
Get out of the way.
It doesn't matter what people think of you.
What make you a man is how you conduct yourself, how you present yourself to the world.
I need to get something from my bicycle basket.
That's what make you a man.
Thank you.
No, it's not there in the end.
Where is it then? Oh, it's by the coats.
Bird brain.
The register was by the coats, headmaster.
I'm surprised you can find anything in this chaos.
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Clement was in school today.
Didn't make it home, eh? We've all lost pupils every now and again.
What are we going to tell the parents? Quicksand.
We go with quicksand.
Always quicksand.
Do you play whist? Because No.
Farewell.
You know, 50 years ago there were dragons in England.
You know that, boy? You know what I mean?