Clone (2008) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - Night-night.
-Goodnight.
Doyou like to havefun? Yeah! Who doesn't? Well, now,fun comes in atube! So did l! Cringles! Cringles.
The's a party in evey tube! - l need that.
- uy two, getonef.
Meet girls in your area.
50 peRent off! lt's so hard tofind adecent man in thecity.
l'll tell you what's even harder, my stools.
Here, ty my stool soener.
Evac-u-now? That even sounds gentle.
Oh, barman? Two shoetinis, please.
And your phone number.
hac-u-now.
For when youjust have to get it out ofyou.
Hey, you're not due to work this morning.
l can see, like manyyoung women, you're having a problem with your stools.
Stop messing.
l need to get these stools down now.
Well, in that case, you may want to ty Evac-u-now +.
Developed in a real Iaboratoy by experts.
When using Evac-u-now +, we recommend you do not leave your home.
ln 99, the ritish Government an a secret pro)ect to cate the first human c(one.
lntended to be a supersoldier, that experiment went horribly wng.
Now he and his creator are on the run, tying tofind the key to unlocking the clone's superhuman abilities before the Government finds and tUlls them.
This is theirstoy.
Dad? Dad? Dad? Are you up yet? Yes, l am.
But l'm out shopping.
Please leave a message.
Hi, Dad, it's me, Clone.
l didn't hear a beep, so l don't know ifthis is recording or not, but -What is it? - You have a message.
Oh, for God's sake! Why are you up so early? l need things.
l didn't realise it before, but it's been made so clear to me.
l need to consume things and own things and l gotta have some brand names, like, right now! All right, all right! Calm down.
What is it you need? There's so much.
l need to release the equity in my home.
l need the good bacteria.
Oh, and l need longer, more luxurious lashes, and this is not me talking, this is Penelope Cruz, Hollood actress.
Have you, by any chance, been watching television all night? Yes, yes, l have.
l learned so much.
Clone, they're iust adverts.
Oh, right.
Are you pretending you know what an advert is? - l am, yes.
- Sweet.
You're going to have to make a lot more money before you can aflord to buy crap like that.
Yhho and a boRle offun! Ghe me yourorder, (est ye wa(k the p(ank.
ln bnckets, pinte laugh.
Oh, balls! Sory, it's my first day.
Can l get the Sunday Lunch Bucket Combo, please? ls thatfortwo orfour ple? Can you do it for one? l supe.
Itjust sort of makes me sad.
l don't think l like you.
Where's my usual pirate? Aagh, he didn't want to talk to you.
Avast! Anything else, si Skull and Crossbones Sundae, with extra chocolate cannons.
You want a triple bypass with that, fatso? You're vey rude for a fast food pirate! lt's me, Victor.
Howdid you know l was here? Where else are you going to be? With friends? Does this mean that my order didn't go through? lt's Victor.
Alert Colonel Black! lt's)ust, Ihe got this voucher and you're suped to tell them when you order.
Doyou havethe DNAresults? Yeah, l did awholewo-up.
ut she's completely normal.
No anoma(ies whatsoever in the samp(e.
Whateversial mental abilities Rose has, she wasn't born with them.
They're acqui? And, um, about thevoucher.
It's only good for today, so What does Victor want? Why is he risking communication? We're not sure, sir.
He's been doing a DNAwork-up On SOme WOman.
Even on the run, he's vetting potential girlfriends with medical tests.
Classic Scorpio! You n a map of her bnin.
Oh, and how do you suggest l get that? Well, you'll need to convince her to get a braìn scan.
Right, and how am l supposed to persuade a 26-year-old woman to get a brain scan? l'm not a pop star from the charts! Hi, lan.
Hi, Clone.
Alpha team.
l'm sending you co-ordinates.
Victor and the clone are both there.
Move in.
The target is a family restaurant.
lt will be full orinnocent people.
So, please, kill them all.
And remember, they're unarmed.
So enjoy it.
Rose, l got a great new idea to help kids learn how to tell the time.
lt's a book for evey minute orthe day.
You're writing 1,440 books? Yes, it's called the Professor When series.
The flrst book is called ''7.
32am, Murder on Sex Mountain''.
l'm in talks with several publishers to stop writing them.
-Where are my keys? - Maybe you lost them.
No, l don't lose things.
l have a photographic memoy.
Somebody must've taken them.
Why would anyone want to do that? Can l have some more coflee, please, Rose? What are you doing? You just asked for a top-up.
- Youiust gave me atop-up.
-What? Just now.
- Are you all right? - l thought l was.
Oh, l'm sure it's nothing.
l mean, it's not like you have early onset Alzheimer's.
Oh, dear, sugar.
- l'll get it.
- Oh, no, let me help you.
Here.
Rose, oh, good heavens.
l really must dash.
Well, here's a little something for you.
Oh, thank you! 20p? l'll alert my banker in the Cayman Islands! Rose, haveyou got any speciais ontoda - Yeah, liust wrote them on the - Bye, Rose.
# Shaving as close as a razor can Making me feel like a shaven man And then, the shaving seems to attract a lady.
Washing powder? Fabric soRener? No way! Two in one! l asked you not to do that aer the shampoo and conditioner.
- How much do l owe you? - f1 37.
78.
No problem.
Keep the change.
- l'm calling the police.
- Oh, here, use my phone.
Anay, you've got a nice lad there.
Bit too grabby with my moustache.
But nice.
Look, l iust need to know that it won't happen again.
You have my word on it, Constable.
Thank you.
Oh, iust one more thing.
l need to have a look at your son's ID.
lD? What happened to all the ''You've got a nice lad there, bit grabby with the moustache, but nice''? Formality.
Just need to run him through the system.
Make sure he's not some kind or criminal fugitive.
l'll get it right now.
Here you are.
This appears to be the four or spades, sir.
Oh, really? You have to be more careful! lfthis policeman lfthis policeman had arrested you, we'd have shown up on the grid and we'd be dead by now.
What were you thinking oR You said if l wanted to buy things, l needed to make more money.
So l did.
l didn't mean literally! You can't draw your own money! You have to earn it by having ajob and working for it, or by marying a rich and fragile woman.
This isn't money.
This is money.
What you did was a crime.
But that stuflwas iust sitting there on the shelf.
No-one was using it.
No-one was enjoying it.
l need that stufl, Dad.
l gotta have that stufl! You've not gotta have that stufl! You don't need it, you want it.
l'll tell you what we need.
We need money to pay the rent and buy food.
And Constable Cheapskate here has not been an enormous help.
Now, put him in the big bins round the back orthe shop.
Won't we get in trouble forthis? No.
No-one will listen to him.
l gave him 10cc orlntoxicon.
He'll be drunk forweeks.
You can do it.
You can do it.
She always says hello.
That means she lìkes you.
fartoutside.
Wait, wait, wait! OK.
l'm good.
What's he doing? ls he going to ask her out? What's going on, men? Why are there snacks here? And who said you could watch bacon on TV? Just monitoring the lan Cam.
He's back in the shop, sir.
Managed to buy himself a pair of balls yet? Hi, Jasmine.
Here.
That'll bef5.
99.
Oh, no, no.
This is embamssing.
Do you not have enough money? Yeah, no.
l mean, Ihe got plenty or money.
Here, here.
p the change.
This is brilliant! Watching another man's pain is like bathing in sunshine to me.
ls there anywaywe can pipe this directly into my house? These arefrom Tesco.
Wait, why hwe you ghen me 50 pounds? lt's a gift.
The flowers, not the money.
But you can heep the money, no strings aRached.
l mean, l'm not expecting sex.
Unìess you agr to ìt.
That's the law.
l'm not a npist.
Can l have some oryour Sprite? These nuts are incredibly salty.
Fine, l'll look again.
- Something wrong? - The shop said l didn't return the DVD and l know l did.
lfyou need a place to hide out from the cops, let me know.
- Gin and tonic, please, Rose.
- Finally, l can retire! This is going to sound a bit crazy, but were you wearing that tie when you came in here? Of course, it's my Monday tie.
- You're not crazy, Rose.
- Maybe there's something wrong with me.
Rose, Alzheimer's is a vey strong word.
- l didn't mention Alzheimer's.
- Not surprised.
It can be harrowing.
But it's not as ifyou're experiencing pervasive memoy loss, diMculty perForming familiar tasks, problems with language.
All you did was forget a fewthings.
You know, the DVD, keys, coflee lemon.
Besides -thank you - l saw a documentay on Alzheimer's Oh, my God! - What? - The DVD was in the dishwasher! l'm having diMculty perForming familiar tasks! Oh, Rose.
You don't have to wory about it.
Not until you start floozing gurds.
What? - What is floozing gurds? - l don't know.
All l said was, don't wory about it until you start losing words.
Well, Rose, l really must go.
Sav a rice bay.
Where did you get all this stuR Don't you ever listen? l told you not to steal.
You're not light-flngered enough.
Didn't have to steal.
Turns out, in return for working at the pub, l get paid minimum wage.
Plus tits! You're supposed to give me that money so l could pay the rent and buy us food.
0on't wory about rood.
l got a load of Cringles.
There's a party in eveytube! l also got the new eight mega pixel Aqua Cam, because some of life's most precious moments happen underwater.
There will be no precious moments.
There will be no party.
Advertisements are lies, designed to separate fools from their money.
Oh, really? ls this a lie? ls this a lie? ls this a lie? This is a lie! l want my money back! Did l wake you? l can see howthis looks bad.
Stop that noise! That's really penetrating.
l'm vey disappointed in you, Dad.
Only because you don't have all the information.
l know it looks like l'm stealing from my son under the cover or darkness, but really, l'm doing it out orlove.
STOP IT!! Look, you are wasting our money.
l can't trust you with it.
- This is foryour own good.
- Our money? My signature is on your femur.
What's yours is mine.
But that can't be right, can it? lf eveything that's mine is yours, they wouldn't have the word ''mine'' at all.
lt would all be yours.
They would just say, ''What's yours is yours.
'' - l don't have any money leR! - Then l'm glad what's yours isn't mine.
Because that would be nothing.
Maybe you should get aiob.
l do have aiob.
l'm currently taking a sabbatical in a world or shit.
How come you always describe me with swear words? Because you're a pain in the arse! Maybe ifyou were nicerto me, l'd feel like sharing my money and l wouldn't be a pain in your bottom.
Notice how l didn't have to lower myselfto your level.
All right.
l can see how l've not been a vey good dad to you.
ln the future l will put more energy into being nicer to you.
l'll be your dad better.
Let's imagine the hug.
Now, give me f20.
What makes you think you're the only person interested in being my dad? OK, let'siump right in.
What flrst interested you in the position or being my dad? Well, at flrst it was a Nobel Prize, but now, liust need your money.
- What about you? - l've always longed to be a father.
Perhaps that's why l've written more than 1,400 children's books.
Plus, you're got lovely dimples that l can imagine putting coins in.
Good answer, SFB.
OK, next question.
Which historical father flgure has most inspired you? Well, l would have to say God.
l really admire the way he crucifled his own son.
For me, l'd have to say, it's atie between my grandfather, who was an incredible role model and sacriflced eveything so l could have a better life than he did, and the dad out or The Sound orMusic, who not only outwitted the Nazis, but also got oflwith Julie Andrews while his kids watched and sang close harmony.
Moving on.
Mr O'Jesus, what would you say was your biggest flaw? l'm looking at it.
Thinking outside the box, tying to make the interviewer cy.
lnteresting.
- Same question.
- My biggest flaw would have to be that l care too much.
What a novel answer.
lt's almost like your flaw isn't really a flaw.
l don't need to hear any more.
Mr For Brains, theiob is yours! - Obiection! -What? l would like to cross-examine Shit For Brains.
- Is he serious? - Cross examine? This is most irregular.
Can he do that? l think so, yes.
Your contention is that you would make a better father than me.
- Is that correct? -Well, there's a lot or ls that correct, sir? Why don't you tell us about your relationship with your father? l don't see how my relationship with my absent father has any bearing on these proceedings.
- It goes to motive.
- l'll allow it.
So, l'll ask you again, Monsieur For Brains, how did you feel about your father never being around? l suppose l thought it was a cycle or abusive behaviour that l would inevitably recreate with my own son.
- Oh, my God! - He was going to recreate it! This crowd really has a distinct personality.
So, l will ask you for the flnal time, would you make a better father than me? No! No, l wouldn't.
- You're the man fortheiob.
- Yes! He's your father.
No matter how cold and menacing he appears to be.
Go to him! And treasure these years under his steely, judgemental gaze.
And there it is.
l reallythink l'm losing it! - Why, what happened? - Well, a few things.
l got home tonight and there were tomatoes in my wardrobe and my hat was in the fridge.
l feel like l'm going mad and l'm scared.
l'm really scared.
Rose, there's something l need to tell you.
l haven't been completely honest with you.
l think you need a brain scan.
As soon as possible.
Maybe l should blive.
- What? - Drive.
OK, Rose, we'll have a diagnosis in a couple or minutes.
- Is this mic oR - Yes.
Have you ever dreamt or making a world-changing medical discovey? - What doctor hasn't? - Exactly.
But since you're nothing more than a glorifled X-ray technician, it's never going to happen, is it, unless fate intervenes? And guess what? l'm fate and l'm intervening.
This is the cure for male pattern baldness.
- Are you ioking? - Do l look like l'm joking? What doyou look like whenyou'rejoking? Focus your tiny mind.
This is a closely guarded government secret.
Only nine people in the world know about it.
You will be number ten.
You will be rich beyond the dreams oravarice.
How do l knowthis is real? You don't.
But what have you got to lose? - What do you want in return? - Just leave me alone for flve minutes.
Wander ofl down the corridor and dream about -what size yacht you want to buy.
- Deal! Hello? Hello? ls there anybody there? l'm going to press the panic button! Och, no.
l'm here, l'm here! Don't wory.
Don't fret, pet.
- Doctor? - Um aye? Why are you suddenly Scottish? Oh, because l'm a diflerent doctor to the one who brought you in.
But l shall deflnitely be going before you come out, so we probably shan't meet.
Oh, right.
Why's that? Shyness, shyness.
Terrible shyness.
That's why my doctoring is mainly conducted over a microphone and through speakers.
So Let's have a look at that wee brain oryours, shall we? Sory, wrong room.
'l mean, l'm not expecting sex.
.
# That's Jasmine! l deflnitely think he stood a chance with her until he brought up rape.
That's me! Right, l'm switching back to the live feed.
Now, in orderto create a map oryour brain, l'm iust going to have to say some words and you iust have to well, you don't have to do anything, really, just respond naturally.
So, let's begin, shall we? Kittens.
Nazis.
Oh, yes, vey good, vey good, yes.
You seem to have a preference for kittens over Nazis.
Vey good.
Let's continue with iust a few more words, shall we? Heaven, Hell, death, black, white.
Wait! What's this? There's a large dark mass on your leR hemisphere.
Oh, my God! l have atumour? Nope, no.
Just testing your fear response.
Sory about that.
- l've got eveything l need.
- Doctor, what's going on? Do l have Alzheimer's or not? Alzheimer's, or course.
Let me just check.
Uh, various factors, hormone levels, serotonin, cary the two - No, you're flne.
- Oh, thank God! That's such a relier.
Is myMendthere? CanI speakto him? Oh, l'm afraid not.
He iust popped out for a flapiack and a hot beverage.
Typical.
Self, self, self.
Sticks me into a brain machine and runs out for oaty biscuits.
Oh, that seems a bit unfair.
We only had a brier interaction, but he seemed absolutely charming.
Victor? He's an arrogant bloody idiot! Right, time's up.
l've decided on a 75-foot schooner named the Haiy Celeste.
What? When these two areas light up in tandem, it's a strong indicator or romantic love.
What was she iust thinking about? Maybe she heard me talking about my boat.
Can l come out now? Yes, we'll get you out orthere, or course.
And l will be running along, because l can feel the shyness rising, the face reddening Get me the scans, now.
ls Victor back yet? Yes, yes, l'm right here, Rose.
Well, goodbye, doctor.
Vey nice meeting you.
Oh, yes, and you.
It was a pleasure.
You're a wonderFul human being.
So glad she's not mental.
Well, goodbye.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
- Clone, l need to talk to you.
-What is it? - Don't do that for halfan hour! - l have got good news and bad news.
The good news is l have a map or Rose's brain, which means l have eveything l need -to flx you.
- That's great.
Can you also flx the room? It won't stop spinning.
lt seems to want my lunch back.
One day when there are 50,OOO oryou marching on the battlefleld, l shall miss the wobbly man-child, dy heaving on the carpet.
ln that case, let's get in the bath and take a picture with my underwater camera.
Speaking or disturbing images, take a look at the bad news.
It's Rose's brain.
Oh, no, you said you weren't going to do that! l kept my promise.
It's a picture.
Now, according to this brain scan, Rose is in love with me.
- But you're old enough to be her - That's right.
ln love with me.