Clone High (2002) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Previously, on a very special Clone High.
Joan made a declaration.
Abe, I want you.
And Abe found a new form of recreation.
He's not gay or anything.
Abe actually likes Cleo.
A girl.
That was just a hilarious plot twist.
Hey, you miss an episode, it's your funeral.
I'm talking to you, Doug.
Way way back in the 1980s' Secret government employees Dug up famous guys and ladies And made amusing genetic copies Now the clones are sexy teens, now They're gonna make it if they try Loving learning challenge judging Time to laugh and shiver and Cry Clone High, Clone High I've never seen so few fans at a cross country meet.
Lope, Abe Lincoln, lope! Man, it's hot.
I think I'll pour this sports drink all over myself.
Ooh, it's sticky.
Dinger! I won! And I didn't even scuff my loafers! Oh my god! We just won a cross country duel meet! Let's destroy property to show how much we appreciate the team! Stupid stop sign! Yeah! Books! Ready? Okay! Riot! Yeah! Books! Flip the pool! Thank you! Those loveable scamps! They're rioting at a college level! Riot! Now let's talk about yesterday's horrifying shenanigans.
Feel free to say anything, because today I'm gonna be your care-iff.
You see.
Okay, moving on I know teenagers have an awful lot of confusing feelings, but today it is unlawful, to bottle 'em up.
You gotta LET EM OUT! Like I do, every night between ten and ten-fifteen on a pillow shaped like my father.
So let's brainstorm some constructive ways we can express ourselves.
Uh, Joan of Arc makes movies.
Uh, I make films? Kay? On video? Experimental video art, particularly not intended for audiences.
Okay, wonderful! Making films is a, is a, is a relatively inexpensive way to express oneself, I guess.
I'd like to help.
I was on that cross country team! For this reason, I hereby volunteer to organise the first annual Take Back The Afternoon Film Festival To Save Clone High! Fantastic! Now we'll never have another riot! Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet.
But that riot was unacceptable.
Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They FLIPPED the bitch! Principal Scudworth, if you were running this school properly there would be no riots.
Only clone soldiers trained for superior intellectual and physical combat.
Little do they know, I have my own plans for these clones.
Plans that don't involve these shadowy figures at all.
You're talking in a normal indoor speaking voice.
So I am.
Little do they know, I have my own plans for these-- Scudworth! You're walking on thin ice, man.
Clone of Karen Carpenter thin.
I think this is an issue we should talk about.
In person.
Maybe we could have dinner! Perhaps the Olive Garden.
It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype! We were thinking somewhere more intimate.
Your house.
Next Friday.
No dairy.
Please.
Dammit! I haven't been to the Olive Garden in like, forever! Mr Butlertron, my bosses are coming over for dinner, and look at this place! I haven't changed a thing since I got my degree in the mad sciences from ASU! Maybe some overpriced knickknacks will add a touch of class.
They've got a great selection down at Restoration Pottery Peer N Barrel.
Are you thinking what I'm programmed to be thinking? Shopping spree! Shakka branna, George Washington Carver! dammit, Gandhi! You know how I hate to be interrupted while I'm in my peanut lab! Okay, check this out.
I have this ass-kicking idea for the film fest.
It's about these two cops, and they're different, but in many ways, they're the same.
It's staring me, and check this out, it's staring you! No.
See, it's two different cops, from two different precincts, learning to fight crime together as buddies! Please go away.
Check this out! You play Leon Black, and I'm Tandoori Jones! And you won't believe what it's called.
- Black and Tan? - Black and Tan! High five, racial pride! I don't like those movies, Mahatma.
They're filled with bad dialogue and trite plot twists, and they perpetuate racial stereotypes.
Naw, dog.
See, this is about dissing racial stereotypes.
The know the old one about how Indians and Blacks don't get along? No.
Well Black and Tan will prove, that even though we're different, we're ultimately a hilarious combo! Good day, Gandhi.
Good day! There's a part for the peanut.
We're listening Next! Thank God I got the key to this editing room.
Aw yeah.
Casting couch.
Wow! Clipart! You know, I'm glad we get to spend some time alone.
Hi, Abe.
My film is really coming along.
I'm doing an autobiography called The Best Of The Best Of The Best Of The Best the Best.
The whole premise is how tough it is to be me.
Popular, smart, well travelled, and incredibly well-endowed.
Boob-wise.
Hey, is there a time limit on the films? Would you tell a sunset that it couldn't last forever? Sunsets last six minutes.
Does a sunset have a soundtrack featuring Smash Mouth? See ya.
And Abe? I'll see you, at the movies.
Joooooaaaan! Joan! Thank God you're okay! I've been looking all over the restaurant for you! Abe, we put out an APB on your missing friend.
It's okay, officer, I found her.
What are you doing here? It's not safe, this table's not even bussed! I don't know how to say this.
You don't have to.
You think the film fest is too commercial.
- I do? - Yes.
Film at Clone High used to be just you and Andy Warhol and your disturbing art films.
But now Cleo's got her epic, Gandhi's doing his cop movie, and Mother Teresa's got that teen slasher sex romp.
But it's not about them.
This festival's all about you.
Joan.
Me? Abe? You, and me, and what you have here.
Heart-wise.
Like my film.
It's everything I've been wadding up the sad chamber of my heart! And now I'm shooting that wad.
In thirty-five millimetre.
Joan, isn't there just one thing in that beautiful and honest heart of yours that you need to express? Yes Abe.
I love-- Shh.
Don't tell me.
how me.
In your film.
Well, I'll see you guys.
Okay now, Cleo baby.
This is the shot where you reveal how difficult your life really is.
And, go! Oh, I'm sorry, Ang.
Am I having a nightmare? Because if I was awake, those cue cards would be written in CALLIGRAPHY! Oh my God, I am so sorry.
Get the hell out of here! You are not my son! Okay, remember.
You're Gabe.
Gabe Linkoln.
Now your motivation is that you're in love with your best friend, but you just haven't told her yet, and go! Line? There is no line right now, you just scream and weep.
And go! At first, I thought you were wack, Black.
But now, we've both learned that when east meets west, it's deadly! Bueno momento, Black and Tan.
Eat shell! Go to hell, Señor Peanie! Last one there's a rotten huevo! Say what? Cut.
No no no, man.
You're making me fall asleep! To death, bro.
Okay, the line is, "say whaaaaaat?" Say what? - Say whaaaaaat? - Say what? - Saaaaay, - Say.
- Whaaaaaaaaaat? - What? Say whaa-- Gandhi! This character is not me.
- Say whaaa-- - Stop it! Listen! You and I, don't get along! I'm off the project! Watch out for that water tower! Wow, G-Dub.
You saved my life! Hey man, would you stay if I rewrote your character? No! I'll rewrite it.
My way.
Say whaaaaaaaaat? Remember, this film is my heart.
I want your voice to weep with honesty and truth! And all that is real in this world.
Aaaand go! And all that is real in this world.
Aaaand go! There's nothing in the rule book that says a giraffe can't play football.
No.
Feel it! There's nothing in the rule book that says a giraffe can't play football.
Get out your funbrella, Mr B! Because it's raining style! 缺歌词 Well, there it is.
I'm finished! Well I'm not.
Keep it down over there! Finally, a film that perfectly expresses all of my feelings for Abe.
Hey, Joan.
What was that you were saying quietly? Abe! Hi, I just finished my film, and it really expresses my true-- I'm so proud of you.
Opening yourself up, and expressing what's inside.
You're such an honest and true friend.
Friend? It's been hard for me because I'm trying to win over Cleo, and run the film fest, but knowing I have you as a pal, gives me the strength to do it.
Pal? Don't worry, bro.
Cleo will never take your place as my best friend.
Bro? Yeah, even closer than a sister.
So close that we could sleep in the same bed and never touch or kiss.
So anyway, thanks for expressing yourself, man.
Man.
Joan, I almost forgot to pick up your-- Amigo? Buddy? Fella? Where are you, guy? Hey, what's this? You're going to express yourself, Joan.
Even if I have to do it for you.
Do you mind? Some of us are nailing Catherine the Great here! Or should I say, Catherine the So-So? Abe? Abe? Abe, why is my name on the program? Because it deserves to be.
I found your film in the trash can and I submitted it.
No! No, you don't understand, Abe! This film is embarrassing! For both of us! How could I be embarrassed by a friend? Who's got the legs? Me! That's who! Me! Who knows, Joan? Maybe your film will change the world.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Open up, Thomas Edison.
I know what you're after, Joan.
And you're not gonna get it! But you don't understand! Or do I? - No! - Or is it yes? No! Let me in! You can try all you want, Joan.
But we both know that even an angry woman can't claw through steel that's two feet thick! Well, the apartment's all finished! I couldn't've done it without you, Mr B! And speaking of without you, go hide in the kitchen.
But, Wesley My entire career is riding on the success of this dinner.
And I don't need the electronic help muddling it up! Don't let him see you cry.
Just make it to the kitchen.
Meet Leon Black, a Harvard educated scientist turned expert police detective.
Meet Tandoori Jones, a jive talking, smooth walking typical Indian supercop, who 缺动词 by his own rules None! Together they are Black and Tan! Thus concludes this caper.
And speaking of capers, I thought we ordered from a deli! Oh, it's from a deli all right.
New Delhi, India.
We've been transferred there for our next adventure! What is that you saaaaaay? Now I'd like to introduce my film It Takes A Hero.
Here is my soul, friends.
My soul.
I love you.
He's going, home.
I have your baby in me, giraffe! Wow.
Single tear.
Okay.
Our next film, by Cleopatra, is titled The Best Of The Best of the-- Oh my god! Damn coal powered projectors! Well, all the films are ruined.
There is no God! There is a God! Except Joan's film, which has somehow expanded in the fire, and will now be seen in widescreen.
Ugh, there is no God.
This is a sign, Joan! If you don't express yourself, you'll just keep saying "fine" when someone asks you how you are.
And then one day someone will say "How are you, Joan?" And you know what your answer will be? There won't be one.
Because you'll be dead.
So, religion's for fools, eh? Fools and liberals! Hello.
Am I in space? Because you all look out of this wooorld.
Board of Shadowy Figures, I'd like to you meet Mr Butlertron.
My butl-- no.
My friend.
Well Scudworth I must confess, We actually came to dinner tonight to kill you.
But we had such a wonderful time that we're going to give you another chance! Oh Mr B.
You've done it again! Look.
I think it's obvious what this is about, so let's just get it over with.
Whisper, whisper.
Hush, hush.
Celine Dion-athon, Celine Dion-athon.
Whisper, whiiiisper.
Whisper! Ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha, you love A-abe! Go away, Sigmund Freud.
Could it be any more obvious? Well that's it! Wasn't this the best film fest ever?! Yeah! I can't hear you, Clone High! Film fest! Film Fest! So, I guess things are totally different now.
Not really, everyone's still rioting.
No, I mean with my film.
Now you know the truth about how I feel.
Uh yeah.
And it doesn't change things? Uh No? Thanks for not making this too weird.
I just felt so exposed, because mine was the only film that was truely personal.
What? Did you watch my movie Joan, or did you just see it? Unlike you, I didn't make a beeline for the obvious.
I used a little something called symbolism.
You see Joan, I was that giraffe.
Wow.
So, if you were the giraffe, who was that little girl? Good night, Joan.
Good night.
I've got nothing to say Next time, on a very special Clone High.
JFK and Cleo break up for reals.
Joan and Cleo duke it out, lady style.
And something tragic may or may not happen.