Code Monkeys (2007) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dave: Screw you,
you stinking computer!
Jerry: Dave, I keep telling you,
command-s.
Todd: Oh, you are one
handsome beast.
Those push-ups are
really paying off.
Baby oil is your friend.
Claire: Oh, Black Steve,
you're gonna leave
your wife, right?
[Bat squeaking]
[Ribbit]
[Woman screams]
Larrity:
Now, lookie here, boy.
This is my top-secret safe,
built special to keep all my
money and valuables away from
them sons of bitch thieves
I call employees.
One of Hitler's old
bunker builders built it.
Guy by the name of Ricky.
Dean: Wicked, Dad!
Larrity: Only way to open it
is by punching in
the top-secret code,
known only to me and my brain.
Let me see if I
can remember this sucker.
Ehh. Yeah. Bingo! Yee-ha!
Gotta check every day
to make sure it's all here.
Gold coins, check.
Treasure chest, check.
Unicorn skeleton, check.
Stuffed ex-wife--
Dean: Mom?
Larrity: Check.
Giant marble.
FYI, genuine marble, check.
Leprechaun
on a pile of gold, check,
and a leprechaun
on a chair, double check.
Davey Jones' locker--ahem.
Not now, Davey.
My Rubik's cube with 3--count
'em, 3--reds on one side.
Yes, I'm a goll-darn genius,
and, every single
"Reader's Digest"
from the past 6 months,
and I mean every single
last one of them.
OK, everything's--
bend me over, kiss my ass,
and hand wash my privates!
I've been robbed!
There's a sack of money missing.
Dean: You said sack.
That's another word for balls.
Larrity: Supposed to be
105 bags here.
I only eyeball 104.
Dean: How can you tell, Dad?
Larrity: I can smell it.
It's as if somebody stole
one of my babies, and that baby
was made out of money
instead of useless baby meat.
Dean: Dad, check
out this horse! I found it!
Larrity: Dean, you're
more useless than fake boobs
on a dead pig.
Get off of that, boy!
We got a snake in the pit,
and I aims to find it.
Larrity: Howdy, random employee.
[Mary groans]
Get in here, Dean. I don't want
nobody listening in.
Dean:
Dad, what's going on, bro?
Larrity: I want you to find
this thief and bring him
back to me alive
but just barely.
Dean: You got it, Dad. Whoa!
Look out!
How much is "barely"?
Larrity: Boy, just do it!
Come on!
Dean: Yes, sir.
Larrity: Man, oh, man.
Why didn't I pull out when
I had the chance?
Clarence: Ooh, yeah! ♪
Only one thing is better
than a pure water Jacuzzi ♪
Dean: Hey! You know anything
about a missing sack of cash?
Clarence: No, but I do
know about bubbles.
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles ♪
Dean: What the [bleep].
I'm out of here.
Clarence: That guy is the only
guy I wouldn't sleep with ♪
Nah, I take that back ♪
I'd sleep with him, too,
because that's how gay I am ♪
Whoo!
Benny: Give me three dimes
on the Knicks with the points.
Dean: Hey, Korean midget.
Benny: Gotta go.
Dean: Who was that
you were just talking to?
Benny: Ha ha! Uh, this is my
toy phone, Mr. Dean!
This one's my imaginary
friend--Fred the dragon. Ha ha!
Dean: Oh, sorry, buddy.
Don't know what I was thinking.
Benny: Dopey mother-[bleep].
Give me Joe!
Todd: Wow.
This is what Rush must've felt
like after they recorded "2112."
Robot: Todd, you are a genius.
Todd: Thank you,
my little and only friend.
Dean: What's up?
Here's the deal, nerd.
Either you, Dave,
or Jerry is a thief.
Todd: The immortals
steal, but I, a god,
can only create.
Dean: What does that mean?
Todd: It was Jerry.
Dean: I knew it. Thanks, bro!
Dave: Excuse me, Jerry.
I have to take a leak.
Jerry: Fine, Dave.
It's not like you have
to ask my permission.
Dave: Thanks, man.
I appreciate that.
Jerry: Damn it, Dave.
Go to the bathroom.
Dave: Way ahead of you,
buddy. Ahh.
Jerry:
Stop peeing in juice bottles!
Dave: Yeah, but it's my juice,
so think of it as recycling.
Jerry: It smells like
a mixture of ass and piss
in this room.
Please, for the last time,
start using the bathroom.
Dave: Dude, the bathroom is,
like, 20 feet down the hall,
which is, like, 20 feet too far
when you're
playing video games, man.
Jerry: Dave, you're supposed
to be programming games,
not playing games.
And at least throw the bottles
away when you're done.
Dave: Yeah, I'm gonna put that
on my "To-don't" list.
Dean: Listen up, turd boxes.
Someone's been
stealing from my dad.
and I've got a pretty
good idea who it is.
Jerry: Well, It's not me.
I've never stolen anything from
Mr. Larrity or this company
unlike some people.
Dave: Surely you do not
refer to moi.
Black Steve: Hey, yo, Dave.
Can you hook me up with
that company credit card again?
I want to use it
to buy some cocaine.
Dave: Here you go, my man.
I didn't know drug dealers
accepted credit cards.
Black Steve: Oh, hell yeah.
Dave: Dude, just be
sure you return it by Tuesday.
Black Steve: No, man,
you ain't gettin' this back.
Yo, Dave, you stocking liquor?
Jerry: Nope.
It's actually
gallons of urine.
Black Steve: Ha ha!
You mother-[bleeps] is crazy.
Larrity: What did you found out,
"Murder She Wrote"?
Dean: Dad, I think
it's Dave and Jerry!
They've been using
your money to buy orange juice!
Larrity: Whew!
That looks extra pulpy!
Let me take a swig. Ugh!
[Jerry groans]
Dave: Don't worry, dude.
Urine is sterile.
Black Steve: Gross me out.
Dave: My new shoes!
Mary: What the hell
just happened?
Jerry: Oh, you know.
The usual Monday stuff.
Sprayed by the boss
by a mouthful of urine.
Larrity: Well, Dean searched
this place high and low
for that dirty sum-bitch who
been diggin' his greasy hands
into my pockets.
And, as usual, he fumbled
the ball on the 2 yard line.
Mailman: I have a delivery
of 1,200 Swatches
for, uh, GameAVision?
Larrity: What
the hell's a Swatch?
Dave: It's game parts.
It's very technical stuff
that involves computers
and addition and math.
Larrity: Anyway, since I can't
find out who's been stealing
from me, I'd thought I'd go
ahead and reward everybody who
is not stealing from me.
You see, if only one of you
was stealing, that means
the rest of you are not.
That's called logic, people.
Dave: Makes perfect sense, sir.
Larrity: So, we're going
on a little company retreat.
My way of thanking
all but one of you
for not being a grade-A
cow turd.
Bus picks up tomorrow
morning out front, 8 AM sharp.
Yee-ha.
All right. Get in there.
Coffee, doughnuts
are in the back.
All you can eat. Have at it.
Yeah. That's right.
You, too, fatty.
Jerry: Man, free trip?
Coffee, doughnuts?
Maybe this guy
isn't as bad as we thought.
Dave: Uh-huh.
Dude, this crazy mother-[bleep]
is exactly as bad as we thought.
Dave: Um, Mr. Larrity, sir,
this, um, doesn't seem like
a vacation.
Larrity: Right you are, son.
It's like I used to tell
my pappy.
Just 'cause you been to
a magic show
don't mean you know how to saw
a woman in half
without winding up in jail.
And here you are in jail.
Heh!
Dave: Yeah,
that doesn't make sense.
James Tiberius Shank:
Senses bid you adieu
when you walk through
my gates, cons.
Wow. Welcome to Rapeville State
Penitentiary, cons.
I am James Tiberius Shank, but
you may refer to me as Warden.
For the next 48 hours, your
asses are mine.
Clarence: I've seen worse ♪
James Tiberius Shank:
This is where you
start serving your time for
stealing from my good friend,
Big T. Larrity.
Larrity: Amen!
Hallelujah, brother.
James Tiberius Shank:
Y'all got big dreams.
You want fame? Well, fame costs.
And right here is where you
start paying
with pain and sweat.
Jerry: Isn't that the speech
from the movie "Fame"?
Dave: Whoa. You watched "Fame"?
Jerry: What? It's a good movie.
Todd: A fine film, indeed.
I love that movie, too.
Would you like to join my
VHS club, Jerry?
We'll be watching "Dune"
next week.
Jerry: No, thanks.
I'm good, Todd.
Todd: Probably better than way.
I mean, VHS stands
for very hot stud,
and you clearly would not
fit in.
Dave: Hey, dude, are you sure it
doesn't stand for
very heavy [bleep]-head?
James Tiberius Shank: Ass face,
who told you to talk up, boy?
Dave: Oh, I was just telling my
pal here--aah!
Jerry: Dave, are you--aah!
James Tiberius Shank:
Anyone else want to open
their pie holes?
That's what I thought.
You'll each be assigned
a prisoner who will scare
the living [bleep] out you.
Or maybe I also might ask some
tough questions about
Manichean circumstance
in today's Americans.
But, mostly, they gonna scare
the living [bleep] out you.
Guards, take 'em away.
Boys, I got a special prisoner
for you two.
[Loud mechanical buzzing]
Dave: Wow. This place is crazy.
Hey, let's take a bet on who
gets raped first.
Jerry: Dave, this is serious.
Dave: I got 20 bucks on Todd.
Todd: I got a piece of that
action.
I'll take 40 on myself.
Mary: Wait.
You're betting on yourself?
Todd: Hey, I'm sorry.
I know myself. I am hot.
And, unfortunately,
both men and women
find me incredibly attractive.
Mary: Gross me out with a spoon.
Every time you talk, I want to
burn my ears off
so I don't have to listen to any
more of your crap.
Jerry: Hey, has anyone
seen Clare?
Mary: Oh, she volunteered for
conjugal visits.
Jerry: What?
Mary: I think she thought
"conjugal" had
something to do with
teaching prisoners grammar.
Clare: Why are you dirty
criminals
all staring at me like that?
I know I'm pretty, but I'm just
here to teach you English.
Prisoner: No more talking.
[Clare screaming]
Guard: Uh, let's see,
Red, and, weird Viking guy,
ahem, you're in here with one of
our most famous convicts,
the serial killer.
Todd: What's he in for?
Mary: Uh, probably killing,
douche.
Todd: How do you know he
didn't bounce a check?
[Mary screams]
Dave: Holy [bleep], Dave.
This is it.
Guard: This way, maggots.
Dave: Yeah.
There's no way that Todd doesn't
find the business end of
one of these guys'
whammo sticks.
That 20 bucks is mine, buddy.
[Electricity crackling]
Larrity: Thanks for doing this
for us, pal.
James Tiberius Shank:
Anything for a fellow
blood and bone brother.
Dean: Prison's cool.
James Tiberius Shank: Yes, sir,
Dean, prison is cool.
Let me show you round.
We got a lot of famous
prisoners here. Let me see.
This is Giovanni. Now, he's in
jail for killing a rare gorilla
who was trying to have relations
with his girlfriend.
Larrity: Poor son of a bitch.
I've been there.
James Tiberius Shank:
Powers Boothe in for stealing
the movie "Red Dawn,"
and, uh, this old guy Blackie.
Larrity: Why do they call you
Blackie?
Blackie: Well, I guess it's
'cause I'm black.
Larrity: I don't get it.
Blackie: Well, the warden didn't
pay me much mind as usual.
I guess that's all right,
but what did I really expect?
James Tiberius Shank:
Blackie, stop
with the external monologue,
all right? He's crazy.
I'm transferring him
to Shawshank Prison next month,
let them deal with him.
You know, you doing me
a favor, too.
The more civilians we get
inside to really experience
the prison lifestyle, the more
I believe that
my dream of turning this place
into a profitable theme park
can become a reality.
All I need is a few
initial investors.
Larrity: You may have
something there. Heh.
You have a prospectus
I could eyeball?
James Tiberius Shank:
I got it right here.
I carved it on this man's chest.
If you notice
on the second graph, it says
Jerry: Dave?
Dave: Don't be scared, buddy.
Hold my hand.
Dave: OK, got it.
It's as black as hell at night
in here, man.
Man: It just got blacker.
You guys done holding hands?
Jerry: Oh, please.
Dave: Holy crap, Jerry.
He's totally gonna kill
your ass.
Prisoner: Nah, man.
I found peace in prison!
Dave: No way. The only thing
you ever find in prison is
a one-way ticket to ass.
Jerry: Dave, I already cried
and peed myself.
I have nothing left.
So shut the [bleep] up.
Dave: So what's your name, dude?
Hondo: Major John Hondo,
United States Special Forces.
Dave: Go by the name of Dave,
GameAVision USA.
And this is my friend Jerry,
AKA the little girl.
How long you in for, dude?
Hondo: Not too long.
If I don't get a pardon from
the president tonight,
then they're gonna execute
me at midnight.
But I'm innocent!
Jerry: What are you in for?
Hondo: I know some secret
[bleep]-up stuff that went down
in Nicaragua.
Hondo: If I wasn't such
a peaceful man,
I'd kick some ass!
Dave: Ah. So, uh, you're just
gonna roll like toilet paper?
I thought you said you were part
of Special Forces,
not special ed.
Dave: What the hell
you say, boy?
Jerry: Heh heh. Don't listen to
him. He's an idiot.
We know you're in the Army.
[Telephone rings]
Hondo: Hold up.
That might be him now.
-Dave, what are you doing?
-You'll see, dude.
Hondo: Yo, what's up?
[Caller's voice muffled]
Hondo: Yeah, this Hondo.
Is this Reagan? All right.
So you gonna let me go or what?
Oh. All right, Reagan.
Talk to you later, man.
Dave: Yo, man, what's the word?
Are you gonna get this pardon
or what?
Hondo: No, I did not
get my damn pardon.
Dave: Yeah, I like the anger.
I was really pulling for you.
That Reagan is a dick. You know,
Jerry voted for him 3 times.
Jerry, laughs weakly:
He's kidding.
Dave: Hey, man, seeing how
they're gonna kill you
and everything, what say
you, me,
and the little lady, of course,
bust out of prison tonight?
Dave: OK, what are you doing?
Dave: Listen, dude, I'm trying
to destroy Larrity in one swoop.
So what do you say, Hondo?
Hondo: We gonna book it out of
here tonight, homies.
Reagan framed me,
and he gots to pay.
Dave: Awesome. Let's roll.
[Computer chimes]
Todd: Convict, name's Todd.
I know what you're thinking:
"It's my lucky day," right?
"That's one gorgeous piece of
man meat standing
in front of" you.
[Mary groans]
Todd: Well, you're
absolutely right.
So take a piece of the Todd pie
whenever you want.
Serial killer: You with
the red hair, you're beautiful.
Todd: Her? Well, while your
charisma is probably an 8,
your vision is clearly no more
than a 2.
Serial killer:
So where you from?
What kind of music do you dig?
Mary: Yeah. I'm gonna stand
over here now.
Todd: Well
[Sighs]
I guess that
just leaves you and me
[Exhales]
my dangerous friend.
[Serial killer groans]
Todd: The loneliness of
the long-distance runner.
I know it. I feel it every day.
Look at me. I'm 33 years old.
I'm single. I'm at the top of
my game.
I'm devastatingly good-looking,
almost to a fault.
It's no wonder than so many
people are jealous
of my superior talents.
That's the price of genius.
I can't blame them for being
weaker than I.
If I had to work with me,
I, too,
would be shaking in my boots
because I am the best.
This is undisputed. Huh.
Well, at least he didn't suffer.
I'm only thankful that the last
thing he saw was
my beautiful face.
Mary: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Hondo: J-man, start digging.
Jerry: Well, I don't have
anything to dig with.
Hondo: No problem.
I keistered some equipment.
D-man, pull the string.
Jerry: OK, I'm gonna throw up.
Hondo: Nah, you gonna dig,
mother-[bleep].
[Bird chirping]
Larrity: What a little world
you've created
for yourself, warden.
James Tiberius Shank: Yeah.
I can do anything I want to
these fellas--
anything at all.
[Prisoner coughs]
Prisoner: Excuse me.
James Tiberius Shank:
I don't remember tables
being able to cough, do you,
Mr. Larrity?
Who wants to shoot some cons
out a cannon?
[Prisoner grunts]
We're gonna put one of these
in a carnival, Midway area.
You know, for the children.
Larrity: Whoo, doggies!
Warden, you are one creative
sum-bitch. Heh.
I do believe we could make
some money together.
Jerry: Ah, man, Hondo,
I can't dig anymore.
Hondo: Aw. You don't have to
dig, little buddy.
Jerry: Really? Thanks, man.
Hondo: You can dig or get some!
Jerry, moaning: I'll dig!
Dave: That's my buddy
Jerry, a real workhorse.
[Yawns]
You know, Hondo, you're
a great motivator.
Hondo: Thank you.
It's key in any position to
communicate with your employees
and let them know what's
expected of them.
Dave: Hey, man, when we bust out
of here, I think--
I'm not gonna promise, but I
think I have a job for you
at GameAVision
in human resources.
Hondo: That's cool. You OK for
a little white dude.
Dave: And you're cool for
a large, threatening,
sociopathic black man. So there.
Hugs? No. No hug. OK.
Dean: I'm bored.
Larrity: Yeah?
Well, after you eat off
a human's back and, you know,
have shot a couple cons out of
a cannon, this place
gets a little old.
Don't seem like you get all
the repeat business
that makes for a successful
theme park, buddy.
James Tiberius Shank: Wait,
wait, wait. No, that's not true.
Look, there's--there's plenty of
other stuff to do.
Uh, we can watch some TV.
Or, uh, hey,
maybe we can put
a puzzle together.
Puzzles are fun, right?
Larrity: No, thanks. Heh.
Dean, I think we need to get
to getting.
Red Leader: Sir,
this is Red Leader.
James Tiberius Shank:
I know you're Red Leader.
You got a red suit on.
Red Leader:
Hondo has escaped, sir.
James Tiberius Shank:
No one escapes. Sound the alarm.
Ooh, thinks this place is
boring, huh?
How about hunting
a little human prey?
Let's see who's bored, then.
Larrity: Yee-ha!
Now you're talking my
language.
James Tiberius Shank:
You and Dean get up in a tree,
get the high ground.
Me and the boys will attack him
head-on.
Larrity: Yee-ha! They don't
call me
"Shoot first and ask questions"
Larrity for nothing.
Hondo: Freedom!
Revenge is mine.
Dave: Hondo, what the hell
are we doing here?
Hondo: Slight detour, my man.
Dave: Is this part of your
grand plan?
Hondo: No, man. I just want to
blow the [bleep] out
of some white people.
Jerry: Why?
Hondo: 'Cause they remind me of
Reagan.
Dave: Yo, I hear that.
Jerry: Dave!
Dave: [Bleep] you, cracker.
Jerry: Dave, you are a cracker.
Dave: Not today, dude.
Take that, whitey. Take that.
Hondo: Huzzah! Huzzah!
Jerry: Why do you keep pushing
this psychopath to Crazytown?
Hondo: All this quadrant
is clear! All you are dead
Jerry: Oh, look. I'm--aah.
Hondo: That lady's dead.
Good and dead. All right.
Huzzah!
[Yelling]
Oh! Yeah!
[Yells]
James Tiberius Shank:
Hondo, son,
I'm gonna need you to calm
down.
[Hondo yells]
Jerry: Nice cut.
Red Leader: Blue Leader, we've
got ourselves a situation here.
Blue Leader: I'm on it,
Red Leader.
[Guards screaming]
Larrity: Man, look at
that Hondo go.
That beautiful black buck's like
a well-oiled killing machine.
Truly a thing of beauty.
Son, hand me my gun so I can put
a bullet in his head.
Let this be a lesson to you.
Always take the high ground.
[Guards scream]
Bingo.
[Ruff ruff]
What the hell? Leash that mutt!
[Fires rifle]
Hondo: You grazed my ear.
You're too good to make that
sort of mistake.
Why did you spare my life, Tex?
Larrity: Let's just say I'd
sooner rape the "Mona Lisa"
than destroy a highly honed
big black killing machine
like yourself.
Hondo: You do realize someday
I'm gonna escape, come back,
and kill you, right?
Larrity: I wouldn't have it any
other way.
Hondo: Dave and Jerry, you dudes
are OK.
Will you come visit me
in the joint?
Dave: Absolutelynot.
We're not going to prison.
So take care, dude.
Jerry: Well, Dave, you caused
a once-peaceful man to kill
hundreds of innocent civilians.
You took down a prison, and you
almost got the both of us killed
in the process.
Dave: Yeah, it would've been
the perfect day
if only Todd had got
his ass toggled.
Todd: I can't believe no one
wanted to bop my bip.
Black Steve:
I'll toggle you, man.
Todd: Nah, nah.
It's not the same.
Mary: What the hell were we
supposed to learn
from all this other than that
Todd's sad life can cause a man
to kill himself?
Mary: I learned that stealing is
wrong
and prisoners, like everyone
else, love me.
Dave: And, Clare, my dear, you
doth learned the golden rule.
Whores are loved everywhere
and in every position.
Jerry: Hey, that reminds me.
Where the hell is Clarence?
Dave: I don't know, dude.
He disappeared as soon
as we got here.
Clarence: Bend me over ♪
Give me some love ♪
'Cause where there is
a prison ♪
There is love ♪
[Cheering and applause]
Larrity: Well, I hope y'all
enjoyed your little vacation
as much as I did.
Still don't know who stole
from me, but be sure of this.
I'm gonna find you.
Class dismissed.
I'll see everybody at
the picnic next week.
Todd: Well, well, well.
I guess the money I stole to
pay for my army of
Lettuce Patch Dolls will go
unnoticed another day.
You're all 18, right?
Todd, as Tiffany: "We sure are.
"We sure are, you sexy man.
Hey, come get me right now,
me and my 300 sisters."
[Regular voice]
Just a minute, girls.
I need some rest.
Todd, as Tiffany:
"No, you don't.
I just can't wait, you big,
sexy stud."
Todd: Thank you, Tiffany.
[Elephant trumpets]
Hondo: If I wasn't such
a peaceful man,
I'd kick some ass!