Colin from Accounts (2022) s01e04 Episode Script

1
(GROOVY MUSIC)
OK, Mrs Scheller.
Um, just about done.
You feel alright?
Can't feel a thing, thank God.
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
Is it a bad one?
No, it's fine.
It's just a small tear.
Yeah.
How long will it take to heal?
Um, seven to ten days,
but you might still feel
a little sore after that,
so just take it easy.
Don't s'pose you wanna throw
another stitch in there.
Make it like new?
(LAUGHS)
Nick!
He's joking.
No.
Afraid not.
I'm joking.
I'm joking.
It's just I have a mate
who, um, his missus got
(THEME MUSIC)
You're gonna
have to talk to him sometime.
No, I don't.
I never have to talk to him again.
It is so awkward
But it's
I'm literally never talking
to him again.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, for fuck's sake.
(RINGING STOPS)
I've been staring at broken vaginas
for so long.
I'm so tired and like today
would have been
me and James' two-year anniversary.
Ash, you broke up,
so you don't have an anniversary
anymore.
Dat gone.
Do you think
I've put on weight since James?
What are you talking about?
Not at all.
Why are you looking at my feet?
Because people carry weight
in different spots.
Because people carry weight
in different spots.
Well, I don't, you know that.
No, well, your feet look great.
Just say, "You look beautiful."
You look beautiful.
And stop it.
Why are you being weird?
I told you!
Gordon just went off me
the other night.
Fuckin' old man Gordon
went off this.
Well, it's probably him.
I mean, he probably
couldn't get it up.
No, he did. It was up.
It was all the way up,
and he walked out of the room
with it still up.
Well, is he religious?
Do I have bad breath?
Say something.
Hunter Valley hinterlands.
Hey.
No, it's OK.
I mean, you just had a coffee, yeah?
No. Fuck.
I'm gross. Look at that.
I'm disgusting.
You're not.
You're a goddess.
I don't feel like a goddess.
Well OK, if you want
No, I don't want.
I haven't even said what I have yet.
No, I know what you're gonna say.
Stop pushing your dexies on me,
Meggles.
I'm not pushing them,
I'm offering them to you for free.
You have a drug problem.
Oh, don't get mean.
Sorry.
Do I?
Oh, hey,
I've got the house to myself
for like months now,
if you and Colin wanna stay.
How long have you been,
um, sitting on this offer, Meggles?
What?
Because last night
I stood outside Gordon's place
for 20 minutes
waiting for his light to go out.
OK.
Well, I'm sorry, Ashley,
I've been grieving.
Yeah.
Well, I will accept your offer.
You're welcome.
Sorry.
Check yourself.
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, fuck!
(RINGING STOPS)
Not 'cause I'm fat, though.
No.
'Cause I'm tired.
Yes.
Do they make you poo?
ASHLEY (ON VOICEMAIL): Ashley.
Leave me a message. Bye.
Oh, hey, buddy!
Want a treat? Want a treat?
Talk. Talk. Talk. Talk, fuck ya.
Hey, Brett.
Yeah?
Ah, can you do something useful
and break up the screen zombies?
Looks like a fucking Genius Bar
out there.
Fiona's gonna be here at 4:00.
Fiona's gonna be here at 4:00.
Sure.
Hey, lover boy.
What are the chances you're gonna
perk up before she gets here?
Hey?
Get your head out
of your undies and switch on, mate.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not bringing Fiona here
because she's a great hang.
I thought she was your mate.
I haven't seen her
since Year 12 for a reason.
OK.
But getting our brand
onto a major airline,
it could take us to the next level.
Mm.
Hold it.
Feel the feel the
Yeah.
Look at the font.
Oh, that's good. That's
Do you like
See how I 'italicsed' that
Yeah.
..and then I did that bit
with the sans
Yeah. Yeah, it's good.
Sorry, do you actually
wanna start turning a profit here?
Yeah.
Or or should we just use this
as a way for you to get laid?
Oh, geez, righto. Steady on.
No, because I'm more than ready
to sell my share of the business.
It's a bit early in the morning
for that tired old threat,
don't you think?
I don't think so. You know
what's looking good right now?
Crypto.
Is it.
Elon Musk said
Oh!
.. "You should get crypto."
Oh, Musk we?
Yes. Yes.
Yeah, my cousin said that, too.
But yeah,
he just bought his fourth jet ski.
He bought his wife
a new set as well.
Set of what?
Tits.
OK, stop now, alright?
Let's just focus.
Now, I don't know
how across beers Fi is
Now, I don't know
how across beers Fi is
Right.
..but she's really high up
in the company, OK?
Is she hot?
So, don't talk to her, Brett, OK?
Yes, boss.
Thank you. Thank you, Brett.
Oh, fuck.
What?
Did you say 4:00?
Yeah.
I do have a vet appointment
for the dog
You are fucking kidding me.
Chi, it'll be so quick,
I'll be back before you know it.
You know that before I came here,
I took two kids to school
and a third to the ear specialist,
and then I dropped Andre
at a voiceover.
Did you know that?
Which kid?
No Oscar.
What's wrong with him?
He's got a perforated.
He ran into a It doesn't matter.
My point is
Is he alright?
But did you Shut up.
OK.
I don't even think about Andre
and the kids when I'm here.
Well, because you don't really
like your husband, that's why.
That's got nothing to do with it.
The point I'm trying to make is
I'm professional.
OK, I'm professional too, Chi,
but I have to take care of this dog.
No, you have to take care
of your dick.
OK.
I've known you for 30 years.
I think I understand
how you work, Flash.
I understand you too.
Have you had a coffee today?
I've had, like, four.
OK. Well, there it is.
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Shouldn't be much longer.
You didn't tear
this much last time, did you?
I told you we should have gone
out the sun roof.
I'm not a car, Jordan.
It's fine, isn't it, doctor?
It's fine, yeah.
Seen much worse than this.
Doctor?
I heard you were a student.
I am.
But I've done lots of these.
Mama! Mama! Mama!
Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama! Mama!
Hi. Wanna stop that?
Mama! Mama! Mama!
Ah, if you could get her
to stop, that'd be
Rose, that's enough.
That's enough.
(BABY CRIES)
Don't suppose you could chuck
a husband stitch in there, could ya?
Just for me?
(FEIGNS CHUCKLE)
Our friends Benny and Trish
got that done.
(PHONE CHIMES)
Yeah, I've heard that before.
Could you, though?
Oh, Jordan, stop saying that.
Benny and Trish
Mama! Mama!
Yeah, well,
Trish's vagina didn't get that way
'cause of babies, take it off her.
She's fine
Just do it, Jordan, please.
Mama! Mama!
Relax.
Mama! Mama!
Relax.
(INDISTINCT ARGUMENT)
Ahh.
Ow
Are you OK?
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
I'm so sorry.
Um, I've just pricked my finger
and so there's been
some blood-to-blood contact
Are you kidding me?
And what does that mean?
And so what that means is that, um,
there's just protocol and paperwork
and we both have to get blood tests.
Oh, fuck this!
Jordan, you're not helping.
Is it protocol to rip someone
from arsehole to breakfast?
Have you seen the size of your head?
What'd you say?
Do you know how genetics work?
I mean, I didn't do this!
Excuse me?
Ah, Jordan.
Excuse me?
Jordan?
Why don't you take Rose to go
and get an orange juice
and let the doctor
do her work, yeah?
Student doctor.
Yes, and I might call my lawyer
while I'm at it.
We don't have a lawyer, Jordan.
Just go.
(CRYING) I'm so sorry.
That was really
unprofessional of me.
No, no, he deserved it.
Are you OK?
Can I give you a hug?
I haven't tied you off yet.
OK.
OK.
I'm so sorry.
That's alright.
You're not the first person
to cry down there.
(ACCORDION MUSIC)
Yes.
Hey, how's, uh, Simon going?
Do you mean Stephen, my brother?
Stephen, sorry, yeah. How is he?
Do you even care?
I mean, yeah, yeah.
OK. Um, he's fine.
Great.
Yeah, they found him, so
Oh.
And I'm doing really well,
thanks for asking.
Sorry, yeah, how are you?
I'm sorry I never called
Anyway
Yeah.
Colin is doing a lot better
than I expected, to be honest.
Oh, that's good.
How far off do you think
he is before he can walk?
What? No. Never. I
But his legs do move a bit.
Like I thought
with some dog physio
Are we not
Oh, god.
Gordon,
he has permanent spinal damage,
so he's a dog on wheels.
OK.
I mean, I sort of wish
that you'd said that in the
I mean, I sort of wish
that you'd said that in the
Can I just check if Ash is here?
We, we
She was meant to meet me here.
Look, I'm pretty sure that
your girlfriend understood
the whole
She's not my girlfriend.
It's a bit complicated.
But I just need to check
Oh, complicated. Right.
Yeah.
OK. Well, I remember that.
And and I'm sorry.
Listen, Gordon,
he needs looking after.
Are you actually committed to that,
or are you just trying to get
your next root?
That is so unfair.
We haven't even
OK, well, I'm not
I am not interested in that.
Aren't you?
No.
OK.
I'm interested
in this dog's welfare, not yours.
OK.
Gordon,
he could live for another 12 years.
Are you prepared to be complicated
with this girl for 12 years?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(PHONE CHIMES)
Is this another
'accidental' visit to see me?
Yeah. Yeah, James.
I intentionally stuck myself
during a peri-repair
just so I could come and see you.
Gene's gonna be stoked with that.
Could you just do your job, maybe?
Sure.
Name, Ashley Molden.
Yeah.
Today is the 9th
No, it's the 10th.
Cool.
(SCRIBBLING)
10 January.
OK.
Nothing? OK.
Relax your fist.
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT)
OK, I'll get you
to hold that just
Yep.
Just straighten your arm out.
Just relax.
Just try and relax.
I'm fuckin' trying!
You might be a little cold.
Can I get you a blanket?
Maybe get the blood flowing.
Is that OK?
(SOFT MUSIC)
OK, let's try again.
Go in here.
Ash?
Breathe, and just try to let go.
That's great.
Hey, everything's gonna be OK.
(DOOR OPENS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
So, what do you think?
Mmm. It's cute.
These microbreweries,
they're really
in right now, aren't they?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I was actually
What do you think of the pale ale?
It's fine.
I just thought it would, uh, pair
so well with your noodle cup,
or maybe the pretzel, do you think?
Oh!
You paired everything
with our shitty little menu?
You paired everything
with our shitty little menu?
Oh, Chi-Chi, you are so cute.
Did you want to try the amber?
Hey, Chi-Chi, it is actually
really, really good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
(GASPS) Oh, my god.
Do you remember Mr Papali?
Ah
Yeah, Mr Papali.
Like the hot PE teacher.
Remember, Michelle had like
a massive crush on him
for like three years?
She tried to fuck him
on the Year 11 school camp.
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Yeah.
Me, Juzzy, Michelle, were out.
Mr Papali walks past.
Oh, my god, amazing.
Yeah!
Have you tried the amber?
You should have seen his face
when he clocked Michelle.
"Oh, fuck."
Hilarious.
I should catch up
with those girls again.
Mm.
So, what'd you think of the amber?
Mm.
I just think it would be so great
as your flagship beer.
Yeah, totally.
And Michelle was like,
"Oh, my god, tonight's the night."
That's just classic Michelle.
Yeah!
Hey,
I've just gotta run to the loo
And then she sucked him
off in the dunnies!
And then she sucked him
off in the dunnies!
That is amazing!
God!
Hey? Chi-Chi?
Mmm?
We should get
some, like, food, like cheese,
'cause we should probably
line our stomachs
you know, before we head out.
Oh. You think we
Yeah.
Yeah? Defin Totes.
(KEYS TYPING)
Oh, wow.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PHONE CHIMES)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey.
Hey, is something up with Colin?
I'm at the hospital.
Uh, no, no, everything's alright.
I just I just thought
we were meeting there, that's all.
Oh, no, yeah, no,
I can't leave today, sorry.
I thought you knew that.
Totally, yeah.
No, that's alright. Um
Hey, did you know that
he's definitely
not gonna walk again?
Like, there's no chance?
Yeah. Did you not?
I mean, yeah, but I don't know.
I just thought with like,
dog physio, or
I just thought with like,
dog physio, or
Ashley!
We talk about this another time?
I'm just really busy, as I said.
(POUNDING ON GLASS)
(MOUTHS)
No, now!
Yeah, sorry, I'll let you go.
Hey, just before you go
um, I I did have a good time
the other night
and I would love to try it again.
Do it properly?
(BANGING ON GLASS)
Right
Uh, I really I've gotta go.
Yeah, I'll let you go.
OK, bye.
Bye.
Now, you're lucky
they aren't taking this any further
but, Ashley, your performance
from last year to this year
has slipped,
and to be quite honest
I'm surprised by that,
because the opposite
should have happened,
given that it's mostly prac.
OK.
Now, I don't wanna put too
fine a point on this,
but you're not as book smart
as some of your peers,
and you know that.
Your work ethic requires 110%
just to stay on top.
I've just been
a bit slammed here, Gene
That's your job.
You keep giving me peri
That's your job, Ashley.
If you can't handle that, speak up.
That's your job, Ashley.
If you can't handle that, speak up.
Because if you're too tired
to do your job, someone dies.
I understand.
I don't want another Bubbly Sophie.
Bubbly what?
Sophie.
OK.
Sophie Horsburgh.
Overtired
sixth year medical student.
In 2005, she injected
an elderly gent with an air bubble.
He had a heart attack. He died.
Oh, yeah. Shit.
Embolisms.
Mm-hm.
They're particularly cruel, Ashley,
because the patient can see
the expression on the doctor's face
before they felt anything at all.
Savage.
What happened to her?
To Bubbly Sophie?
She ended it.
S She killed herself?
No, no, no. Left medicine.
Oh.
Met a Polish gent,
backpacking in Russia,
and they came back,
they opened a pierogi food van
in the Northern Beaches.
Doing very well. Delicious.
Doing very well. Delicious.
Good, fresh produce.
Mm.
So, happy ending then.
Someone died, Ashley.
Someone died. That's right, yeah.
I forgot that bit.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?
Dr Bruce, hi.
Hello, wh-who's this?
It's Gordon.
Gordon.
What can I do for you?
You called me, Dr Bruce.
It's Gordon Crapp.
I called you, did I?
Oh, well, of course I did.
Gordie. Gordie, Gordie.
Ah, do you want
the good news or the bad news?
The bad news.
Well, the bad news is
I can't go sailing
'cause of the weather.
But the good news
is the results are clear.
Really? So bladder's good?
Everything's good?
No cancer present.
No cancer present.
Anyway, see you in 12 months.
Thanks for calling.
(CHUCKLES)
You called me, but thank you.
Bye-bye.
GORDON (ON VOICEMAIL):
G'day, this is Flash.
Leave a message.
(TONE BEEPS)
Don't bother coming
back in again, shithead.
And thanks again
for prioritising our business.
Chi-Chi!
Can you believe
that I married Four Finger Owen?
Who?
Owen Mitchell, remember?
He stuck four fingers up his arse,
Year 8 camp.
He was such a fuckwit.
Was such a fuckwit.
Oh!
So, did you have a favourite beer,
or was there any
Yes.
..other ones you want to try?
I do.
The last one that I just had.
Oh.
Was that the rhubarb sour
or the Hoppy Poppy?
Hey.
Hi.
Oh, it doesn't really matter,
does it,
Oh, it doesn't really matter,
does it,
'cause I can't even taste
the difference!
(CHUCKLES) OK.
Oh, hey?
Um, what do you like having
in your mouth?
Ah, the stout.
Oh, yeah, stout. Mm.
Yep.
'Cause I tell you what,
I like something stout inside me.
Copy that.
Do you like titties?
You know, like big titties?
Brett, do you wanna check the kegs?
Sorry, I didn't
No, it's all good.
I just need you to check
the kegs for the
Cool, cool.
Thanks, OK.
Oh! Is he single?
Hey, Fi, I don't know
if you've been, like,
totally honest with me.
Like I just don't feel
like you're taking this seriously,
and we are really trying
to get your business.
Oh, fuck. Oh!
Chi-Chi, I don't know
anything about beers, OK?
But like Ross does everything I say,
so just tell me
which ones to buy and he'll do it,
(SNAPS) like that.
Are you serious?
Yes.
Oh, my
Do you mind signing
just here to say that?
Do you mind signing
just here to say that?
Oh.
Was this like a purely
a business thing,
like inviting me here
because I work for an airline?
Because I'm, you know,
like a high-flyer?
No.
Because I thought
that you actually
wanted to hang out.
Absolutely! Yes!
Like properly hang out.
Absolutely! Of course I do.
Yes, Fi-Fi.
'Cause I tell you what.
I don't actually
have any friends left,
because I had
a really shitty divorce, OK?
It was really shitty,
and Michelle's gone.
Doesn't even fuckin' text me
and I just thought we
Forget it, just forget it.
When you text
Hey.
No, no, no, when you text,
I got a bit of a lift,
and that was stupid.
Hey, me too. Seeing you.
Honestly.
Fi-Fi.
Really?
Old friends are the best friends,
what?
OK.
Come on.
Alright. Awesome.
You know what I'm gonna do?
Wait a sec, I've had an idea.
Yes!
Bloody well text Juzzy,
get her to meet us all out
Bloody well text Juzzy,
get her to meet us all out
It's a plan.
..with a bag.
Do you wanna do that?
Like (SNIFFS) Get out there?
What about him? He's in it.
Ah, he's gotta work.
Us. What are we gonna do?
Party!
Whoa!
(BOTH SQUEAL)
Good boy.
Hey!
Ash?
Hey.
Hey, are you leaving?
Um, yeah. Sorry.
It's a bit last minute but obviously
there's room for us now at Meggles'.
You know, with Peggy dying, so
Oh, right.
Col and I can stay there.
Oh.
Wish I'd known.
I wouldn't have got
such a good bottle of red.
Is that Grange?
Yeah. It's 2014, but, yeah.
Wow, are you celebrating?
Yeah.
I mean, not really.
Mm?
Just a day. Just a nice day.
Lucky day.
Nice.
Don't worry,
I can finish that all by myself.
Perfectly capable.
OK.
Hey, uh
You're not leaving
'cause of the other night, are you?
No.
Are you sure?
Oh.
'Cause I just feel like
you might have been dodging me
a little bit because of it.
Dodging you today?
Little bit.
Dude, I'm so busy.
Totally.
Yeah. Um, no, it's all good.
It's totally fine.
I just You know, I've got
a lot of uni on at the moment
and, um, I gotta focus on that
and Meggles gets that,
so I think it makes sense
that I just go there.
Mm.
And you did want me to move out.
You asked me
to find somewhere to stay.
Of course I did.
It's just, uh, I didn't realise
you'd found a place,
that's all, so so soon.
Hey, Megan's.
Uh, how are you
gonna look after Col, though?
If you could still help me
with that, that would be awesome.
Oh, OK.
Yeah, if that's I mean,
he's not too much of a burden.
Well, I mean he is, but you know,
he's the sort of burden
that gets right in there, you know.
Yeah, he's a nice one.
Anyway, I'm so shattered,
so I'm gonna go.
Totally. I'll drive you.
It's OK, I've got an Uber.
Cancel it.
It's almost here.
Hey, quick shot of tequila?
(PHONE BUZZES)
It's here.
Right.
Have you got all the dog stuff?
Yeah, I've got it. Yeah. All good.
Come here.
Good boy. Come here.
See you, boy.
See ya.
See you later.
Enjoy your wine.
Will do.
Come on.
Go on, mate. Talk soon.
Yeah.
(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
Good meeting ya.
('I FELL OVER'
BY SKYSCRAPER STAN PLAYS)
(KEYS JINGLE)
Ash?
Ash, you here?
I was out to get myself
Gainfully employed ♪
What are you saying?
And take a break
From all the vices I've enjoyed ♪
What are you saying?
(COMPUTER GAME CHIMES)
On the way I fell over ♪
Nup, OK.
I was hoping someone, somewhere,
Somehow might define
This feeling that's congealing ♪
Fuck!
In the grease trap of my mind ♪
(MUMBLES)
On the way I fell over ♪
What have you got?
You had nothing!
Alright, I'm not done.
That one is done.
This one is not done, so fuckin'
Why my coat is soaking wet ♪
(COMPUTER GAME CHIMES)
I'm back, bitch!
(PHONE CHIMES)
I've been out
In the early morning rain again
Waiting in line for the weekend
Now, I had no time to wallow,
I had no time to sleep
I had no cause to pause
Because I had a date to keep
On the way I fell over
It's a 15-hour drive over night
And when temptation took
My hand My destination
Was in sight
But on the way I fell over
Mmm
And if you wanna know
Why my coat is soaking wet. ♪