Coming Up (2012) s01e04 Episode Script
Spoof or Die
Craig! Aye! Good one, Chickpea.
Right.
Mum.
Mum.
I don't feel good.
Not this morning, Nicky, I don't have time for this.
See how you feel when you get to school, OK? But It's only your third week.
Give it a chance.
Hurry up.
You slam my fridge? No.
I'll slam your head.
Sausage rolls in there, take one.
Where are you going? Policeman wouldn't ask you that.
What are you listening too, wee girl? I said, what are you listening to, wee girl? Um, State Of Mutilation.
That weird Goth stuff? It's alternative.
Could you keep it down, well? She's grieving.
My dog died.
And you're listening to your mental Goth shit.
It's inconsiderate, so it is.
Yeah, have you no sensitivity? What are you looking at, Stevie flipping Wonder? Writing wee flipping haikus? What are you doing? Give us it back.
Oh my God, wee lad, state o' you.
UVF? That's some retro shit there.
Give us it back.
This bus stop's like inundated with freaks.
Give us it back.
What'll you do? Call the UVF? Maybe.
Aye, right.
My arse would call them quicker.
You don't know who I am.
Chicken tits.
Bitches.
Stash.
Refreshments al fresco.
You from the estate? Whole family used to run this place.
Like hell.
But it ain't that now.
Don't be a dick.
Ever heard of Big Rabbo? My uncle's a brigadier round here.
Needed anyone sorted, he was the one you went to.
Like how? Punishment stuff.
Anyone who was out of order I think you're talking out your hole.
Shows what you know.
Are you like some badass? My da's in security.
What do you mean, security? Goes out, doesn't tell you where he's going.
Used to be flippin' mad round here.
Rabbo's a big legend.
Flippin' boring now.
Tell me about it.
Can't believe Mum dragged us here.
She's so self-absorbed.
Divorce, big wow.
This place is rubbish, apart from the big Topshop.
No-one would even notice if I died.
I've tons.
Mum's painkillers.
I'm a cutter too, actually.
I'm chronically depressed.
I should be, like, committed or something.
Do you want a Polo? This place is so boring! There's no, like, scene.
What do you do for fun round here? Lady Sovereign herself.
Stupid name for a dog! Isn't yours called Chickpea? You're the big man.
Chicken tits.
There, bitch features.
Open it.
You're the one whose top she pulled down in front of everyone.
How do you know? Cos it was in front of everyone.
Nicola! We've only just moved here.
She doesn't have any friends yet, do you, Nicky? Thanks very much for coming.
- Da.
- Don't say a word, wee lad.
But What did I say? I'm going to click that kettle so I can run at myself.
But you haven't even asked my side.
Your side? There are no sides, son.
I'm hardly going to let some wee girl I mean, she asked for it.
It's not like to hurt anyone.
I thought you'd appreciate.
Appreciate? Appreciate?! Fucking listen to ye! You dug up some wee millbag's dead dog, son.
She's making me look like a dickhead.
You don't need her to do that for you.
She's doing my head in.
Everyone's doing my head in.
You're doing my head in.
Are you filling up? Can I smell drink off you? What do you care? I'm not sorry! I got peelers at the front door.
Criminal damage! You're pathetic! Fucking wanker! You told him I did it.
- Wha - You did! And they're not going to believe me.
Look, I didn't Shut up.
- Well, what did your mum say? - Just shut up.
What is that? Fancy going for a walk? What, now? Yeah.
I want to show you somewhere.
Come on.
Come on.
Or are you too boring? Cold! Fuck up.
Oh, for God's sake.
Ow! Where are we going? This is Nicola Stewart.
She's a liar, a tout and an informant.
She's here to learn a lesson.
Craig! Don't look.
Stop it! No, don't! Don't! Don't! Drink that.
Well done, mate.
Psycho.
Were you scared? Yes.
Still bored? No.
You're right, this place is a hole.
I like Urban Outfitters and the Odyssey.
Yeah.
'This is Nicola Stewart.
'She's a liar, a tout and an informant.
'She's here to learn a lesson.
'Craig! Stop it! Stop it!' Put it online.
I can tag myself.
What? What's the matter? 'This is Nicola Stewart.
'She's a liar and a tout and an informant.
'She's here to learn a lesson.
'Craig! 'Stop it! Stop it!' Nicky! - I'm Lisa, I called.
- What are you doing calling me? - I got your number from - This is an invasion of privacy, you know that? Well have you watched it, the thing? Yeah.
It's a load of oul rubbish, just messing around.
What is it, I mean, is it a joke? Are you not bothered?! If he has touched a hair on her Hang on a minute.
Hang on a minute.
Hang on a minute! The wee lad might be daft but he's not like that.
I'd say your little fucking princess has got more to do with it.
I'm not going to stand here and listen to this.
You don't go running calling the coppers either.
Well I'm sorry, but it's 2012 and where I'm from Yeah, but you're not from around here, are you, but? You're not from around here, are you? Please can you just point me in the right direction.
OK, I'll have a look at it, OK? Right.
Bing that wee girl in as well.
'Craig! 'Stop it! Stop it! 'Stop it! No, don't! Don't! Don't! So why is it murder only then? I told you.
What people were actually killed here? Is that a joke, all right? People got killed! You're such an attention seeker.
What did you say? What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you?! Calm down, you're ridiculous! Go home.
You go home.
Seriously, what's the point? You don't even understand anything.
You're going on like some gangster soldier boy.
You're just a chav.
How am I? What, uncle Rabbo? You've less of a clue than I do.
All you do is go on about your fancy things and all you ever do's eat, eat, eat! You're not special, OK? People aren't killing each other anymore, so no one cares! Ow! Ah, fuck! Fuck! Fuckin' tart! Woman beater! You're just a massive, massive loser.
You shouldn't even exist! Craig? Fuck.
Fuck.
Craig! Craig! Craig.
Craig! Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Shit.
Sit, sit, sit.
See, I'm shit at everything.
You're a good swimmer.
Got a fucking bronze.
Lung cancer! Lung cancer! Shh! I have Jay-Z.
Is that what's-her-face? Annie Lennox.
Keep it on.
Love Annie Lennox.
I'm gonna kill her! So why do you skip school? What's the point? Hardly getting a job.
They think I'm scum.
You want to end up working in a friggin' car park? You work in a car park? Well you're hardly in any position to Yeah, just for a few shifts.
But listen Your uncle Rab, he's all just talk, you know? I know.
Like he's hung around with a few of them, but - He was never - I know.
You don't want to be getting all mixed up in all of that anyway.
It's not like it was.
- Anyway, I don't know why you would - I don't.
I kind of wish Rab was a big man.
That's all.
Just Don't know.
Do you want the heating on? Mmm.
Are you OK? Mm.
Do you like Annie Lennox? She's all right.
Right.
Mum.
Mum.
I don't feel good.
Not this morning, Nicky, I don't have time for this.
See how you feel when you get to school, OK? But It's only your third week.
Give it a chance.
Hurry up.
You slam my fridge? No.
I'll slam your head.
Sausage rolls in there, take one.
Where are you going? Policeman wouldn't ask you that.
What are you listening too, wee girl? I said, what are you listening to, wee girl? Um, State Of Mutilation.
That weird Goth stuff? It's alternative.
Could you keep it down, well? She's grieving.
My dog died.
And you're listening to your mental Goth shit.
It's inconsiderate, so it is.
Yeah, have you no sensitivity? What are you looking at, Stevie flipping Wonder? Writing wee flipping haikus? What are you doing? Give us it back.
Oh my God, wee lad, state o' you.
UVF? That's some retro shit there.
Give us it back.
This bus stop's like inundated with freaks.
Give us it back.
What'll you do? Call the UVF? Maybe.
Aye, right.
My arse would call them quicker.
You don't know who I am.
Chicken tits.
Bitches.
Stash.
Refreshments al fresco.
You from the estate? Whole family used to run this place.
Like hell.
But it ain't that now.
Don't be a dick.
Ever heard of Big Rabbo? My uncle's a brigadier round here.
Needed anyone sorted, he was the one you went to.
Like how? Punishment stuff.
Anyone who was out of order I think you're talking out your hole.
Shows what you know.
Are you like some badass? My da's in security.
What do you mean, security? Goes out, doesn't tell you where he's going.
Used to be flippin' mad round here.
Rabbo's a big legend.
Flippin' boring now.
Tell me about it.
Can't believe Mum dragged us here.
She's so self-absorbed.
Divorce, big wow.
This place is rubbish, apart from the big Topshop.
No-one would even notice if I died.
I've tons.
Mum's painkillers.
I'm a cutter too, actually.
I'm chronically depressed.
I should be, like, committed or something.
Do you want a Polo? This place is so boring! There's no, like, scene.
What do you do for fun round here? Lady Sovereign herself.
Stupid name for a dog! Isn't yours called Chickpea? You're the big man.
Chicken tits.
There, bitch features.
Open it.
You're the one whose top she pulled down in front of everyone.
How do you know? Cos it was in front of everyone.
Nicola! We've only just moved here.
She doesn't have any friends yet, do you, Nicky? Thanks very much for coming.
- Da.
- Don't say a word, wee lad.
But What did I say? I'm going to click that kettle so I can run at myself.
But you haven't even asked my side.
Your side? There are no sides, son.
I'm hardly going to let some wee girl I mean, she asked for it.
It's not like to hurt anyone.
I thought you'd appreciate.
Appreciate? Appreciate?! Fucking listen to ye! You dug up some wee millbag's dead dog, son.
She's making me look like a dickhead.
You don't need her to do that for you.
She's doing my head in.
Everyone's doing my head in.
You're doing my head in.
Are you filling up? Can I smell drink off you? What do you care? I'm not sorry! I got peelers at the front door.
Criminal damage! You're pathetic! Fucking wanker! You told him I did it.
- Wha - You did! And they're not going to believe me.
Look, I didn't Shut up.
- Well, what did your mum say? - Just shut up.
What is that? Fancy going for a walk? What, now? Yeah.
I want to show you somewhere.
Come on.
Come on.
Or are you too boring? Cold! Fuck up.
Oh, for God's sake.
Ow! Where are we going? This is Nicola Stewart.
She's a liar, a tout and an informant.
She's here to learn a lesson.
Craig! Don't look.
Stop it! No, don't! Don't! Don't! Drink that.
Well done, mate.
Psycho.
Were you scared? Yes.
Still bored? No.
You're right, this place is a hole.
I like Urban Outfitters and the Odyssey.
Yeah.
'This is Nicola Stewart.
'She's a liar, a tout and an informant.
'She's here to learn a lesson.
'Craig! Stop it! Stop it!' Put it online.
I can tag myself.
What? What's the matter? 'This is Nicola Stewart.
'She's a liar and a tout and an informant.
'She's here to learn a lesson.
'Craig! 'Stop it! Stop it!' Nicky! - I'm Lisa, I called.
- What are you doing calling me? - I got your number from - This is an invasion of privacy, you know that? Well have you watched it, the thing? Yeah.
It's a load of oul rubbish, just messing around.
What is it, I mean, is it a joke? Are you not bothered?! If he has touched a hair on her Hang on a minute.
Hang on a minute.
Hang on a minute! The wee lad might be daft but he's not like that.
I'd say your little fucking princess has got more to do with it.
I'm not going to stand here and listen to this.
You don't go running calling the coppers either.
Well I'm sorry, but it's 2012 and where I'm from Yeah, but you're not from around here, are you, but? You're not from around here, are you? Please can you just point me in the right direction.
OK, I'll have a look at it, OK? Right.
Bing that wee girl in as well.
'Craig! 'Stop it! Stop it! 'Stop it! No, don't! Don't! Don't! So why is it murder only then? I told you.
What people were actually killed here? Is that a joke, all right? People got killed! You're such an attention seeker.
What did you say? What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you?! Calm down, you're ridiculous! Go home.
You go home.
Seriously, what's the point? You don't even understand anything.
You're going on like some gangster soldier boy.
You're just a chav.
How am I? What, uncle Rabbo? You've less of a clue than I do.
All you do is go on about your fancy things and all you ever do's eat, eat, eat! You're not special, OK? People aren't killing each other anymore, so no one cares! Ow! Ah, fuck! Fuck! Fuckin' tart! Woman beater! You're just a massive, massive loser.
You shouldn't even exist! Craig? Fuck.
Fuck.
Craig! Craig! Craig.
Craig! Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Shit.
Sit, sit, sit.
See, I'm shit at everything.
You're a good swimmer.
Got a fucking bronze.
Lung cancer! Lung cancer! Shh! I have Jay-Z.
Is that what's-her-face? Annie Lennox.
Keep it on.
Love Annie Lennox.
I'm gonna kill her! So why do you skip school? What's the point? Hardly getting a job.
They think I'm scum.
You want to end up working in a friggin' car park? You work in a car park? Well you're hardly in any position to Yeah, just for a few shifts.
But listen Your uncle Rab, he's all just talk, you know? I know.
Like he's hung around with a few of them, but - He was never - I know.
You don't want to be getting all mixed up in all of that anyway.
It's not like it was.
- Anyway, I don't know why you would - I don't.
I kind of wish Rab was a big man.
That's all.
Just Don't know.
Do you want the heating on? Mmm.
Are you OK? Mm.
Do you like Annie Lennox? She's all right.