Complete and Utter History of Britain (1969) s01e04 Episode Script

1
NARRATOR: A new era begins.
Henry VII receives his crown.
# The Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# Complete And Utter
History Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# The complete and utter
This complete and utter
# This complete and utter history
Episode four. ♪
Good evening.
We start tonight with
the first Tudor king, Henry VII.
His right to the succession
was constantly challenged
by imposters like Perkin Warbeck,
who posed as Richard, Duke of York,
one of the two princes
who were murdered in the Tower,
ten years earlier.
By making Perkin Warbeck pretend to
be Prince Richard returned to life,
the Earl of Warwick
hoped to claim the throne
for his own wicked purposes.
Come back with me now to 1493
as Perkin Warbeck faces
King Henry for the first time.
My liege, I bring you someone
who you may perhaps have forgot.
What fresh mischief is this,
Warwick?
No mischief, my liege.
HE CLAPS
I bring you now the face of truth.
Who is this boy? I know him not.
Name thyself, boy.
Oh.
I'm Richard, Duke of York,
presumed murdered in the Tower
in 1483,
but by cunningly turning over
onto one side
and breathing through a piece
of straw, I avoided suffocation.
And after hiding for three weeks
in a nearby laundry basket,
I escaped from the Tower
by tying 12 sheets together
and lowering myself from a window,
eating the sheets as I went,
thus leaving no trace.
I fled to Flanders
where I've remained
these ten years since, waiting.
To claim the throne.
What?
To claim the throne.
To claim the throne.
Ah!
For I am Richard, Duke of Warbeck.
Ah! Perkin, Duke of York.
Richard, Duke of York.
And not an impersonator.
But the prince would be
a mere lad of 13.
And so he is, my liege.
Is that not so, Richard?
Richard? Perkin!
Ooh!
Me? Oh, yes.
HIGH-PITCHED:
Yes, I am but a mere lad of 13.
The same age as Richard
would have been Er, is.
As Richard is.
As I am, for I am Richard.
I am he, of course I am,
I'm only 13. Sorry.
The lad is confused, Your Majesty,
but how say you?
Is not this not the very prince?
Also
Shut up.
Right.
We shall see, my Lord Warwick,
for there is one sure sign.
As I recall, the young prince
had a birthmark on his left thigh.
Right thigh.
Left thigh.
I've got it on my right thigh.
The prince's mark
was on his left thigh.
Er Do, er, birthmarks
move around at all?
No, they do not.
No.
Oh, I've just remembered
an important appointment.
I must be gone.
I will return to claim
Guards, seize these men.
Both fools who seek to usurp
this sacred throne.
Get thee hence,
and know that I, Henry,
rightful king of England,
do scorn thee
for the fools thou art.
I also do archbishops, earls,
policemen, farmyard animals.
Pea brain!
Well done, Frank,
you had 'em fooled there.
IN SILLY VOICE:
Yes, I'm getting better, aren't I?
The Tudor period was full of
magnificent artistic achievements -
paintings, wood carvings,
rich ornamentation,
beautiful objects.
And here to put the Tudor arts
into perspective for us
is Professor Weaver.
Oh, I've got some absolutely
fantastic things to show you.
This is a complete collection.
It's the whizzo collection
of early Tudor treasures
which I bought at
the Al Mambo Galleries in Cairo
for £15/17/6.
Fantastic early Tudor treasures.
Now look at this. What have we here?
Do you know what that is?
I know what that is. It's a brick.
Probably dropped
by Henry VII himself, you see.
And here, that's a
that's a milk bottle.
That's, er, United Dairies.
Well, that shows that United Dairies
was still going strong in 1486,
you see.
Incredible to think
that Henry VII himself
might have drunk
from that very bottle.
Incredible. Almost impossible.
There's a sock.
If there's another one of those,
we're in luck.
And a bicycle pump.
I thought there was something fishy
when they tried to sell me
Mary Queen of Scots'
football pullover for £5/10.
Tudor treasures, my foot.
SMASHING
Oh, dear.
Er, can I start again, sorry?
Thank you. Yeah, only Yeah.
Ah, good evening.
This evening, I've got with me
an amazing collection
of early Tudor treasures,
and I intend
to give away these treasures
to the nation.
For £15/17/6 or nearest offer.
Now, come on, how much am I bid?
Come on, £17. £16
APPLAUSE
DROWNS OUT SPEECH
Quite right, I'm so sorry, 1476.
Thank you.
1476 was a memorable year.
For it was then that William Caxton
set up the first printing press
in England.
The spread of reading
and the printed word had begun.
But in those early days, rather
like the early days of television,
a book was a rare
and treasured possession.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Oh, damn,
just as it was getting interesting.
Put the lights on, would you, dear?
Oh, Celia.
- Richard.
Hello, Richard, how are you?
Hello, Madge, darling.
It's Celia and Trevor.
Hello, Madge, just popped in.
We can't stop.
How lovely to see you.
How are you? Are you well?
Good heavens, look, Trevor,
they've got a book.
- Oh, so they have.
- How super!
We were just shutting it, actually.
Marvellous.
Do sit down. We toyed with the idea
of getting one, didn't we, darling?
Yes, we did. We decided against it,
don't know why.
Well, of course, we only look
at the odd page here and there.
Some of them are quite interesting.
Of course,
there is an awful lot of rubbish.
Oh, I hope we haven't
stopped you looking at it.
Oh, good heavens, no, there's
nothing we wanted to read tonight.
THEY LAUGH
Although of course,
if you'd like to look at it
Well
Yes.
ALL: No, no, no.
Surely no. Indeed.
I mean, I could open it,
if you want.
Oh, no, Richard, don't bother,
honestly, really. Really.
No, we're actually quite pleased
with this one.
It is very, very reliable.
What sort is it?
It's a Bible.
Oh, yes,
I've heard they're very good.
They are, they are.
They're very easy to open.
Come on, Richard, I'm sure
you're dying to show it to us.
Oh, just a quick look, dear.
Yes, come on, Richard.
OK, well, if you really want to.
Shall I open it?
No, no, I'll do it, dear.
I'll do it.
Erm
Which page shall I show them, dear?
44, dear, that's a good one.
Yes. Right.
Er There, 44.
Just
Stop fiddling with it, dear.
Just getting it right and smooth.
Ah.
Super.
Yes.
It is rather good, isn't it?
And look, if you come
a bit closer Come on.
If you look closely,
you can see each page
is made up of a lot of little lines,
do you see?
I see. Oh, isn't it complicated?
Yes.
Don't touch it, no.
While I'm only going
to turn the page over.
I'm still a bit nervous about it,
though. Do be careful.
All right, all right.
I'll have a go. Oh, yes.
Don't shut it, er
Well, look, it is a book,
it's meant to be opened and shut.
Yes, but the man in the shop
said it was bad
to keep opening and shutting it all
the time. Oh, let Trevor shut it.
Oh, well,
but really be careful about it.
I'll be very careful.
Gently. Yes.
ALL: Oh!
THEY LAUGH
I didn't exactly hurt it, did I?
No, no, it's just these books
are so jolly new,
I'm still a bit nervous of them.
THEY LAUGH
EXPLOSION
Silly, really, I suppose.
I'll get used to them.
It's the Bloody Tower.
The ghost of Anne Boleyn
walks this night as every night.
OWL HOOTS
BRUSHING
Anne Boleyn.
The second and perhaps
most tragic wife of Henry VIII.
There can't be many people who don't
know what Henry VIII looked like.
Henry VIII, the Renaissance ideal
of the young, dashing prince
who won his subjects' devotions,
not by politics,
but by his infectious gaiety
and by his prowess as a sportsman.
ANNOUNCER:
And now, Sportsman of the Year!
And this year, the unanimous vote
has gone
to His Majesty King Henry VIII.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
STOPS
Yes, it's the centre court
at Hampton Court
where Henry first makes his mark.
Just watch this service.
It's an ace! Well done, Henry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now it's archery.
Just watch how he gets the arrow
smack on target.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on the running track, too,
this sporting king shows his paces
against England's best.
PISTOL FIRES
Yes, he's done it again!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Just look how his amazing new style
gets him over the high jump.
He's going up. Will he make it?
Yes, he's cleared it.
He's cleared it.
What a fantastic performance!
Watch it now in slow motion.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Notice how he gets
one foot over first
and here comes the other foot
right behind.
Yes, he certainly leads the world
in high-jump technique.
And he's not finished yet.
Yes, another record
for England's number one king.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here's his latest wife,
Anne of Cleves.
INDISTINC
Yes, well, may we say
well done Henry VIII,
Sportsman of the Year!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
No study of Henry VIII
would be complete
without a look at his wives.
It's sometimes difficult to remember
just how many wives he had
or in what order he married them
or who in fact they were.
Bear with me now
as we go over to Professor Weaver.
Oh, well, it's all history.
Henry VIII, as we all know,
had six wives, six whole wives.
And what I want to ask tonight
is why?
Why should Henry VIII have six wives
when I've been going out
with Maureen Spencer for three years
and haven't even been
asked in for a coffee?
All right, Henry VIII.
Well, Henry VIII's first wife
was Catherine of Aragon.
A young and, by all accounts,
extremely attractive
dark-haired Spanish lady,
not unlike the Hendersons'
au pair girl.
Smooth-skinned, dusky, mysterious,
sitting cross-legged on the settee
playing her Max Jaffa.
Not that I've actually seen her,
but I've heard Max Jaffa
coming up the stairs.
Well, I think it's ridiculous.
In this day and age, when I want
to go out to the Odeon with Maureen,
her mother comes along, too.
Well, it's very embarrassing for me,
and there's not room
for three of us in two seats.
Of course, Henry VIII, you see,
when he wanted to get rid of one,
he divorced Catherine of Aragon,
married Anne Boleyn in 1533,
and three years later, he'd
fallen in love with Jane Seymour,
a willowy, wispy little creature,
no flesh on her.
That's what surprises me.
I like big girls, myself,
I make no mark about it. I do.
I wish I hadn't mentioned
Dorita Franco, I really do.
But anyway, Henry VIII, you see,
once he got fed up with Anne Boleyn,
off with her head,
got rid with her.
On, straight onto the next one.
The same with his fourth wife,
Catherine Howard.
Off with her head,
onto the next one.
That's just what they like.
A bit of masculine aggression.
I've got an axe.
That's the genuine article.
Maureen, put on the coffee,
I'm coming over.
In 1547, Henry VIII died,
and we move on to the troubled reign
of Edward VI.
Very little is known
of this young, scholarly man
except that he built a large number
of public schools,
far too many for
the scant population of those days,
so there must have been
a severe shortage of pupils.
All right, quiet now, settle down.
Settle down, settle down!
Roll call, please, Mr Partridge.
- Potter.
- Sir.
- Smith.
- Sir.
They're all here, sir.
Well, thank you, Mr Partridge.
I'd like to welcome you all - both -
to this, your first term
in the latest school to be founded
by His Majesty, King Edward VI.
Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray.
Hip, hip, hooray.
Our first communal activity will be
the singing of the school song.
HE WHISPERS
Our first communal activity
will be a competition
to write the school song.
All entries to Mr Bacharach
before the end of assembly.
Now, the school will be divided
into eight forms,
four of which will be Potter
and four of which will be Smith.
The finals
of the one-a-side rugby competition
will be between Potter and Smith.
MASTER: Jolly good.
Meals.
All meals will be taken
in the great assembly hall,
in two sessions
just to help the caterers.
Potter, you can sit on table four,
Smith can sit
on all the other tables.
Absentees.
Now, if Potter goes absent,
then Smith will become Potter.
But if Potter
If Smith goes absent,
then Potter will still remain Potter
but will also be known officially
as Smith.
Is that clear?
Now, if Potter and Smith
both go absent,
then we shall have
to fill in with the masters.
So, now, Mr Partridge,
you can be the lower fourth,
Mr Murphy, you can be
the fifth form. Stop eating.
And Mr Sopwith, you can be matron.
Oh, goody!
Now, has any boy any questions?
Put down your hand, Mr Murphy,
you are a master today, not a boy.
Don't want people to think
we don't know what we're doing.
This is a new school,
I'm new, and you're new,
and our first most difficult problem
is to establish the proper
master-pupil relationship.
I
Smith. Smith. You're not listening.
You're so jolly boring, sir.
THEY SPLUTTER
- Smith.
- Yeah?
- You're smelly.
- So is Potter.
Yes. Gah! Oh, you rotten weed!
Come on, staff, strike them!
THEY SHOU
So much for education.
It is 1557, and the King of England
is Queen Mary.
Now,
what kind of woman was Mary Tudor?
Well, a recently unearthed statue
shows us
that she was small
with a badly chipped nose.
Her reign was a series of disasters,
but perhaps the most galling loss
to Englishmen
was the loss of our final possession
in France, Calais.
For years, England's military might
had held the French in subjection.
But eventually,
the French army developed
such cunning and devilish
fighting techniques
that it was no longer possible
for the English to resist.
MUSIC: 'La Marseillaise'
INDISTINC
THEY SHOU
HE EXHALES
Ugh! Garlic! Garlic, lads!
They only eat garlic!
HE PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE
And so, on that Beaujolais-stained
battlefield of Calais,
England lost her last possession
in France.
From now on, she had to look further
afield for success and glory,
so join us next week
in the golden age of Elizabeth
when you can
Marvel at the mighty pen
of William Shakespeare!
Discover the truth
about Elizabeth I!
See Sir Francis Drake sail the world!
Watch Sir Walter Raleigh discover
Virginia with Sir Humphrey Gilbert!
Virginia!
Yes, the naked truth revealed
in next week's
Complete And Utter History
Of Britain.
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
# Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
# The Complete And Utter History
Of Britain
# It's all in separate episodes
In separate episodes
# In separate episodes
# Complete and utter
It's complete and utter
It's complete and utter history. ♪