Cooper Barretts Guide to Surviving Life (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Hey.
Cooper Barrett here, once again, with another important life lesson.
When you're in your 20s, you tend to feel like you're invincible, which can lead to getting into bad situations for some very dumb reasons.
My name is Cooper Barrett.
My friends and I are here to mess up our lives so you don't have to.
- The world can be a scary place.
- Earthquakes, tsunamis, Bill Cosby, those ear spacer thingies.
But there's one thing that's scarier than all of that.
And that's when you can't find your phone.
The most important thing is to stay calm.
I will find you.
- Cooper, what happened? - Are you okay? Were we robbed? Did they take my Beanie Babies? No, it's way worse than that.
I can't find my phone.
Oh, buddy, I'm so sorry for your loss.
- It's in a better place now.
- Uh, it's a phone.
I was in the Laundromat, and I came right here.
I've checked everywhere in between.
I'm completely off the grid.
Now I know what those poor bastards in the '90s felt like.
- That's horrible.
Why you didn't call us? - 'Cause I didn't have my phone.
I don't know anyone's numbers.
I just have you all stored with the little pictures and I just, I just press on your tiny little faces and it calls you.
- It's the perfect system! - Hey, hey.
You know what the great thing about phones is, though? You can buy another one.
I can't.
They're, like, 700 bucks.
All right, look.
Here's what we gonna do.
You can share my phone, okay? We can be phonemates, all right? One rule, though.
No LOLing allowed.
You know you not laughing out loud when you typing, okay? - Mmh-mm.
- A "ha" or a "ha-ha" would do just fine.
I don't know where else it could be.
Well, we were at the bar this morning, watching the game; did you check there? - The bar.
- The bar, the bar! Bar, bar, bar, bar, bar I'm gonna ask around.
Hey! We know you! - Hey.
- Oh, hey! What is the occasion? Oh, well, we're just celebrating - a big new purchase.
- That's right.
Josh just bought a sweet new car.
- Ooh, you got a Ferrari? - Lambo? - Submarine? - No, no.
Brand-new SUV, fully loaded, video screens in the back - so the kid can watch cartoons.
- Yeah! Your excitement makes me sad.
Either way, we're gonna get drunk and sing karaoke.
Oh, yeah, we are.
You guys are like Benjamin Button, where you look 40, but you're actually a thousand years old.
Guys, guys, my phone's not here.
- What? - That's so weird.
Okay.
Well, you definitely had it last night at dinner, and then at the observatory.
Yeah, 'cause we took the selfie at sunset.
- Yeah.
- Selfie at sunset? - What's going on? - We don't talk about it.
Oh! I got it! It just popped up on the Find My Phone thing.
- Whoever has it just turned it on.
- Hey, that's not far from here.
- Let's go get it.
- Uh-uh-uh, that's not such a good idea.
People get killed chasing down their phones.
My buddy Phil tracked down his a few years back, ended up having an affair.
He's much happier now.
Either way, it's very dangerous.
You know what, Josh? It could be dangerous, but bros stick together.
You think these guys want to go? They got better things to do.
I actually don't have anything better to do.
I got a mah-jongg sesh with the ladies.
But they're in 'cause they're bros.
But if you want to go do your old guy stuff, then, - you know, go ahead.
- No, no, no.
I'm in for the bro adventure.
- What? - Hey, listen, I'm the original bro.
I'm the only actual bro here.
How am I gonna be Hootie without my Blowfish? I will hang out with you tonight, Leslie.
I won't do Hootie, but I will "Uptown Funk" the crap out of you, girl.
- Wow.
Wow.
- Perfect.
To the SUV! - Bro-venture! - Bro-venture! Find that phone! Find that phone! I'm so glad I'm staying with you.
- Yeah.
- I don't want to go with them.
All right.
When we get to wherever this is, I'll go up and knock.
I need you guys to have my back in case anything goes down.
Got it.
Think something serious is gonna go down? Yeah, man, we could get shot.
This is gonna be fun.
That's not fun! Getting shot's not fun! All right, says it's right here on the left.
Lil' Spoons Ice Cream Shop? Whoo! Let's go kick some ass! - Hey, Josh, the child lock.
- Dude, you got the child safety locks on, man.
I got it.
I got it.
- Don't know how to work this car? - Hold on one second! That's the windows, man.
- Unlock it.
- Unlock it.
Josh.
Okay, just let me You guys.
We got an emergency situation going on.
- Stop playing! - Okay, okay.
We could put it on the stage Everyone! - Okay.
- So you hate it.
I love being married.
It's just sometimes I miss the single life.
So, who are you gonna hook up with tonight? - Uh, probably no one.
- Oh, yeah, right, because of Cooper.
What? Come on, don't pretend there's nothing there.
- There's nothing there.
- Mm.
There's nothing there! I'm serious.
- Cooper's like Steve Buscemi.
I love him, - Mm.
But I don't want to have sex with him.
Well, if you don't have feelings for him, then you can go talk to that cute guy over there.
Mm, no.
He's good-looking like a modelly, perfect face, I-can-see-our-kids kind of way, but I'm just not feeling it.
Because you have feelings for Cooper.
- No! - Ugh! In that case, I will go talk to him for you.
- Please don't.
- You're welcome.
I don't need your help.
I got this.
No.
No.
No.
Barry? "Irish need not apply.
" Did you know Barry's racist? Oh, yeah, but just against Irish people.
He had a really bad experience last St.
Patrick's Day.
- Listen, about that guy - Let me guess.
He wants me to come over, have a drink with him.
Oh, no, honey, he doesn't like you.
- Can we have more shots? - Sure.
Uh what? Welcome to Lil' Spoons! Thanks.
Thanks.
So one of these ice cream-loving fools is a thief! But which one? I say we start punching people in the face and ask questions later.
Go easy there, Dwayne "Mr.
T" Johnson.
No, it's two different people.
No, instead of hitting strangers in the face, I say we call my phone and see who answers.
Ooh, catch 'em red-handed.
Or in this case, phone-handed.
No.
I'm sorry.
Hated myself the second I said that.
Aha! Got you, Joe Biden! Oh, Barry, that is not Joe Biden.
No, this is Joe Biden.
Look at the man's face.
That's Joe Biden, and this is his wife, the Second Lady.
These are just really, really old white people.
Come on.
It's still ringing.
- Hello.
- Shh, shh.
Um, hi.
You stole my friend's phone, and we would like it back, please.
Why don't you try to come get it from me? Okay, I got this.
I can tell you I don't have any money.
But what I do have is a very particular set of skills.
If you let my phone go now, that will be the end of it.
But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.
I won't actually kill him.
That's from Taken.
- They need to make a sequel.
- All right.
Good luck.
Aw, what? He out-Taken-ed us.
Hey, he's already on the move.
He's heading toward downtown.
- Let's go.
- Uh, guys, guys, uh, the area that he's headed towards is pretty dangerous at night - I'm just saying.
- What? USC is downtown.
It's probably just college kids.
One street is college kids.
The next street over is Murdertown.
Murdertown? Oh, I love Murdertown.
That's my favorite Sondheim musical.
You know what, guys? I may not have a special set of skills, but what I do have is a special set of friends.
You guys.
I'm talking about you guys.
- A little cheesy.
- Nice moment.
Come on, hands in.
Neal? This is a really bad idea.
And - break! - Murdertown! All right, this is it.
I'm gonna wait in here.
I'm gonna stay.
Oh, come on, man.
It's not that bad.
- Look, there's a cop right there.
- That's a homeless guy.
No, that's definitely a cop.
Look, he's, like, investigating something - No, he is pooping.
- Oh, yeah.
See, I told y'all we should've brought our guns.
I don't think paintball guns would've been that helpful in this situation.
Unless you want to add to all of this graffiti.
Come on, guys.
We could be 30 seconds away from getting my life back.
Neal, what happened to kicking ass and taking names? That was at an ice cream shop.
This is like the Bates Motel.
- Just buy a new phone, Cooper.
- I can't afford one.
Plus, I want that phone.
It has important stuff on it.
I don't have the cloud 'cause of Edward Snowden.
I don't care what nobody says.
That man is a patriot.
Yeah, guys.
I think I'm gonna sit this one out, stay in the car with Neal, you know, make sure he's okay.
You know what, I got your back.
I'm your ride or die.
- You my Bobby, I'm your Whitney.
- All right, everybody relax.
Josh and I are like that, too.
He's my Jay and I'm his Bey.
- We're going in.
- Beyoncé, we out.
- Thank you for calling me that.
Good luck! - We support you spiritually.
Holler if you need us! You know, I don't really think of you as my Jay.
Yeah, I have no idea what you're saying right now.
Okay, can we just go over this again? What did you say to that guy? - I said, "Hi.
" - Oh, my God! You are so rusty.
What else? - I said, um, "This is my friend Kelly.
" - Oh, stop talking.
No wonder he rejected you.
He didn't reject me.
He rejected you.
Well, the situation's a little ambiguous.
No, he specifically said he did not like you.
You know what, you got me in this situation.
Now I have no choice but to fix it by bringing out the big guns.
What's up, O'Hanlon's?! Yeah! All right, this one goes out to all the fellas in the front row with the, uh, construction boots, the, uh, button-down shirt, the cropped black hair - Okay, they got it, Kells.
- Drop the beat.
- Ah - Uh, uh - Ah - Check it, check it Man, this is getting kind of real.
What if we have to, like, fight? Dude, that's not gonna happen.
I'm a black man, okay? All I got to do is puff up my chest and act a little gangster.
- What if they're black? - Then I just act crazy, man.
Black people hate crazy.
I got a plan for every type of person except for mermaids.
All right, get ready to run.
Are you guys here for the party? We are now.
And I'm looking for my phone.
Britney just found one.
Why don't you come in, get a drink, and I'll grab it for you.
Mmm.
I am digging this new ride, my man.
- Yeah.
- It's like a wagon-shaped living room.
I'm pretty happy about it.
Hey, check it out.
Maybe this neighborhood's not so bad after all.
Those kids are pretty good.
Usually, 99% of skateboard jumps land with a broken ankle and me laughing at them.
- Oh! Oh, oh! - Oh! That was awesome! - You! I like it! - Yeah, you! Yeah, bud! Nice! Uh-oh.
- This is bad.
- What did you just do? Tell me, ma, what it's gonna be, she said You don't know what you mean to me - I do, all I think about is you - Oh, oh Even when I'm with my boo - Uh, Kelly? Kelly! - You know I'm crazy about you That's my boyfriend, bitch.
You have a girlfriend! That's why you were pretending not to like me.
That makes sense.
East Coast, I know you're shakin' right You're about to get punched in the face.
What? Oh, boy.
Uh, okay.
I'm comin', I'm comin', I'm comin'.
Think we should tell Josh and Neal? No, I think they're safer in the car.
We are going to die! For real? In America? Oh, my God.
I love cheerleading.
That's my favorite sport.
I'm a spotter.
I can hold anybody.
- Give us your money! - I will be notifying your parent and/or legal guardian and will not be giving you any of my money! Here's our money.
Here you go.
I'm calling Cooper.
He doesn't have his phone! - Oh, yeah.
Uh, Barry.
- Yes! Hello? I'm sorry.
Uh, I'll text Leslie again.
And we'll get that phone, too.
And your clothes.
You guys will not be getting away with this! I am a lawyer and can get you all in serious trouble! Yeah, good luck.
Good luck.
That's him.
- What? - I'd recognize that voice anywhere.
That's the kid that has Cooper's phone.
Come on, man.
We just want my friend's phone back.
Sure.
For a hundred bucks.
Okay.
Josh, can I borrow a hundred dollars? They have our wallets! How much for my friend's wallet? Ooh, this is the best night of mine's or anyone else's life.
I got to figure out how to get my phone stolen by a bunch of hot 20-year-olds all the time.
- Man - Here's your phone! Oh.
Thanks.
Uh this isn't my phone.
Oh.
Damn it.
You want to make out later? Yeah, I'd like that.
Barry, that wasn't my phone.
Barry? Hey.
I'm Ashley.
Can I ask you a question? Is this outfit guy hot or girl hot? You are girl, guy, animal, and tree hot.
I'm not implying you sleep with animals or trees, but if you did, I wouldn't judge.
I'm Barry.
Mmm.
Ooh, la, la.
Where is my phone? - Hey! - Oh, hey, guys.
Sorry, I'll be out in a sec.
Just, uh, keep doing what you're doing.
Cooper, you still owe me that make-out.
Yeah, I know, I just I just really - got to find my phone first.
- What could be on your phone that's better than making out with me? Oh, you know, I have a few apps that I, that I really love, but, um probably definitely nothing.
I'm sorry, there's just something on my phone that means a lot to me.
I can't explain it.
I'll make out with you.
Ow! That was insane.
Yeah.
Who would have thought that a hip hop song could lead to any violence? I'm sorry.
I only approached that guy because I wanted to get you to admit that you were really into Cooper.
- Clearly, you're not.
- No, I'm totally not.
Okay? Although there was this one weird moment last night.
- I knew it you had sex.
- No! God, no.
We were up at the observatory - and the sun was setting and - And you had sex.
Would you just let me finish? We had just taken a selfie overlooking the city and we looked at each other, and I just thought Whatever.
It's stupid.
- Aw.
Kelly.
- There's nothing there.
- Kelly.
- Hey, uh, is this your phone? I thought I saw it fly out of your hand after you threw a choke hold on that girl.
It is.
Thanks.
So, what are you doing after this? I'm married with a child.
What about tomorrow night? No, thank you, I'm good.
Looks like, uh, baby mama's still got it.
- All right.
- Not so rusty.
No.
- Josh? - Oh, God.
Look, look, look, Tina Tina, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but this is not happening right now.
I need to find my phone.
Okay? Sorry.
Cooper, we are in ththe middle of a Weird Science teenage male fantasy and you're sitting there looking for your phone? I have important stuff on there, man.
I don't know who you are anymore.
So you drove all the way out here just to help your friend? Damn right.
You know, I'm a ride or die.
Unless I had a girlfriend, then she'd come first.
How come you don't have a girlfriend? Because I just met you.
There's a fire.
You bet there is.
No, there's an ugly, boring car on fire outside.
Josh! You want kids? - Barry! - I'll be back, baby, I'll be back! What did you do to our car? You guys really should've come inside the house.
Damn, man.
This is the worst.
And you're wearing my Underoos.
Laundry day's tomorrow.
Wait, so you're saying a bunch of teenagers took my phone, then they took your phones and your clothes and we're just gonna let them get away with this.
- Looking that way.
- No.
No, no, no.
We're gonna go back to the apartment, we're gonna regroup, we're gonna get the paintball gear, we're gonna track 'em down and then - we're gonna give 'em hell.
All right? - Yeah! All right, let's do it.
- And break! - No, no break.
Not this time.
Josh, you love this stuff.
Yeah, I do most of the time, but my brand-new car just exploded! Listen I love our adventures.
I do.
But I also love karaoke.
And a dependable automobile.
And the occasional procedural drama like Bones.
There's no shame in that, honey.
Boreanaz is a straight-up fox.
No one can tell me that dude doesn't still have it.
One day you'll understand that you don't always have to act like an idiot to get what you want.
Come on, honey, let's go.
Later.
Guys You coming back in, baby? I can't.
I got to get a cell phone from some teenagers.
You know, man stuff.
This is the place.
That's the turd.
- Everyone ready? - Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, hold on.
Let me kiss my girlfriend first.
Ha! Is that Kate Upton? I don't have a picture of Ashley yet.
Look, now, remember, guys, today we draw a line.
For days and years to come, people will tell the story of three brave young men who courageously fought back against the tyranny of rambunctious teens dressed in paintball gear, in our mid-20s about to storm a house.
What the hell are we doing? I have no idea.
I'm all fogged up.
Long story short, your son stole our stuff and then blew up my brother's brand-new, fully-loaded SUV.
Brandon, get your sorry ass down here.
I'm very disappointed in you, young man.
Like I said: special set of skills.
Look what I got.
- Oh.
- Hey! Ratting out a kid to his parents.
- How very middle-aged of you.
- Yeah, you were right.
Sometimes the best way to handle things is the mature, non-paintball approach.
I'm never watching Bones, though.
Well, you don't know what you're missing.
It looks like they - kissed and made up.
- Yeah.
It's good, because - Josh means everything to Cooper.
- I think you might mean a little something to him, too.
Can you just forget about that observatory stuff? It didn't mean anything, and honestly, I-I wouldn't go there and he definitely wouldn't.
Okay, well, if you ever want to duet again, just give me a call.
I do want to duet again, but first I need to heal up and learn some submission moves.
So, to sum up: teenagers are jerks.
Sorority girls are awesome.
And just 'cause you're young doesn't mean you're invincible.
'Cause if you're not careful, bad things can happen that are way worse than losing one of these things.
Speaking of: back up your phone, because some of the things on here are irreplaceable.
- What are you looking at? - Nothing.
Hey, everybody, everybody, this is Ashley.
She's my Bobby now.
He's my Whitney! - Mmm! - Mmm! That's sweet but disturbing.
Oh, one more thing I freaking love Bones.
- She's my Bobby, though.
- We get it.
- No, no, no - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hi, Bobby Ashley.
- Hi.
What is it? - It's a time machine.
- It's a landline.
I got it in case we ever lose our phones again.
I feel like we're living in a museum.
Yeah, let me text Ashley.
Oh, hold on, I want to check my e-mail real quick.
Guys, it's a landline.
You can only use it to call people.
The last thing I want to do is talk to people on the phone.
You can't say emojis, Cooper.
Cooper! Put your talking machine on silent! Hello?