Cooper's Bar (2022) s01e04 Episode Script
Internet Clot?
1
♪♪
[Cellphone chimes]
We need to respond to
Kris Latimer.
She says she's taking the money
offer down $1,500
every hour
we don't get back.
Jesus, where did she learn
how to make deals,
the Taliban school of
negotiation?
I say we tell her
to go fuck herself.
Cooper's Bar's starting to
take off
and our new house drink is
turning a nice little profit.
How many customers
did you have last week?
11, and three of them
actually paid.
Cooper,
this is 25 grand!
It's not enough, Dave,
for my freakin' life rights?
And she's planning on
squeezing me out,
which means you and Brandon
are out, too.
Not if we go with the plan
that's just been hatched
by Cooper's newly promoted
director of
social media content
creation.
Oh, that really chips off
the tongue, Brandon.
What are you,
a Bacardi blimp?
I just met with
Billy Canasta,
you know, the crazy nail kid
from the other night,
and he has just been made
brand ambassador for Bacardi.
Bacardi's got
a diplomatic corps.
What, are they about to
invade Margaritaville?
Stop, okay?
Billy promotes the brand
as he promotes his lifestyle.
I convinced him to come here
to shoot a bunch of
social media stories
at Cooper's Bar.
Oh, nice!
Like a commercial.
Cha-ching!
Not exactly.
Location fee alone's
10 grand a day.
No, definitely not.
Listen,
they're gonna star
Cooper Marino!
I could do my one-man show
about bartenders
off-off-off Broadway.
There's no cash in it,
Cooper.
A commercial
that doesn't pay?
It's not a commercial!
Does Bacardi even know
we're doing this?
It's not about Bacardi, okay?
It's about Kris Latimer!
[Cellphone chimes]
Speak of the devil.
It's Kris Latimer.
She said this is
her final offer.
Either you accept this
or she'll find
some other wannabe hack
who has a shithole bar
in his dirt pit backyard
and buy his sad-sack
life rights.
That's ridiculous.
There's no other place
like Cooper's Bar.
Yeah, and your a one-of-a-kind
sad-sack loser, Coops.
Exactly what I'm saying.
We do the Billy Canasta post.
It'll be like
proof of concept,
the ultimate audition tape,
and when it goes viral,
Kris Latimer
will be beating down
your door
to play Cooper Marino.
Holy shit.
One time he's right.
This sounds like
a terrible idea.
David, you can direct it.
Oh, let's do it!
Let's see if we can stall
the Wicked Witch
of the West Side
till this comes out.
Here, use my dic-to-text.
"Use your dick to text?
Can't I use my fingers?"
Oh, Cooper.
[Cellphone chimes]
Dear Kris,
there has been some movement
on the project
that we believe alters
the landscape.
It would be inappropriate to
further discuss
without a semi-executed DNA
receipt
that must be triplicated
by DOA.
Failure to provide this
will result in Cooper Marino
finally telling Hollywood
to go fuck itself
so he can move back to Buffalo
and open a bar.
Come on, Cooper,
we almost had that.
[Cellphone whooshes]
Oh, shit.
Oh, what?
I was joking!
Get it back.
I'll say you just had
a stroke.
♪♪
[Sniffs]
Ahh.
♪♪
In case of party,
add Bacardi.
In case of party,
[chuckling] add Bacardi!
[Gruff voice] In case of party,
add Bacardi.
Ain't no party
unless there's Bacardi.
Quit branding,
you clod pole.
I just got the rhythm.
It's just a tweak,
okay?
Chris McCoy once said
a script is never finished.
It's abandoned.
You said we didn't even need
a script.
Just be yourself.
You being yourself
is saying shit like
clod pole.
Whatthe hell?
What What, do you got a
figure skating gig after this?
Directing's its own kind of
performance, Cooper.
I'm gonna bring a youthful
Harry Style vibe to the set.
[Chuckling]
Harry Styles?!
In "Death in Venice"!
Look, the, uh,
star's got a couple of
unforeseen demands
in his deal memo.
I don't have a deal memo.
It's the other star,
Billy Canasta.
It's just a product placement.
No big deal.
Oh, that's hot.
♪♪
You know, I always say,
"In case of a party,
Billy,
add Bacardi."
[Laughs]
Hi, I'm Billy Canasta
from "Who's Got Crabs?"
Where's the Canasta deck?
Cut it there!
David, please.
You said this would take
45 minutes.
I have a client coming.
This is ridiculous.
30 seconds.
Brandon, bruh!
You promised there would be
a Canasta deck
behind the bar!
I-It's behind the bar.
Where people can see it!
Cooper's isn't really
a skate bar.
Come on, Cooper.
This product integration's
what it takes to
get something made.
Chillax.
Chillax?
We okay? Alright? Good.
Okay, let's, uh, go again.
-Roll sound!
-Rolling.
On forever.
Look, I-I don't know
about this anymore.
I'm just, like,
not feeling it.
Something about this is just,
like, so
old fashioned.
You mean like Cooper's busted-up
twinkly lights?
-They're vintage.
-Old and broken
does not mean vintage,
bro.
Well, we're just trying to
catch the essence
of Cooper's Bar, bruh.
Yeah, bro, the essence
is kind of molded.
Let's move some of
those palm trees
in front of
this dirty furniture.
Excuse me, Fart Spice.
Those are from
Barbra Streisand's yard sale.
You know who
Barbra Streisand is?
Yeah, she played
Seth Rogan's mom.
Look, no offense, man,
but, like,
the way you act today
in contemporary media
is you don't act.
Do you get that?
Like, you just
you just got to be yourself.
It's all about
authenticity.
Authenticity.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
So, what, I should, uh,
bleach my teeth
as white as a toilet bowl
or paint my fingernails?
Man, I look delicious.
And I look like
a merch kiosk.
Is this what you call
authentic?
Coop, Coop.
If you can fake authenticity,
you're money, baby.
You can't argue with the likes.
Look, if you don't have the
chops to play the bartender,
it's not that big a deal.
The The
The chops?
Oh, just, oh
The The chops?
I don't play
the bartender.
I am the bartender.
And you know what
the best part about being
the bartender is?
Tossing losers like you
who stink up the joint.
Now, get the hell
out of here.
Can I put this down now?
Yeah, I'd rather sell
suppositories
on the One America Network.
Billy:
Hey, Coop, gimme one of
your Bacardi daiquiris.
In case of a party,
add the Bacardi.
♪♪
[Music skipping]
[Sighs]
Can't even play myself
in a shitty social media post.
Billy stole
all my ideas.
How did they build it
so fast?
It looked exactly like
this place.
I'm destined to be
an Uber driver.
No.
Let's call Antonia
at the studio.
There's got to be a way to
get around Kris
and straight to Cyrus Long.
That would be
career suicide.
You don't have a career.
Let's do it.
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
♪♪
[Cellphone chimes]
We need to respond to
Kris Latimer.
She says she's taking the money
offer down $1,500
every hour
we don't get back.
Jesus, where did she learn
how to make deals,
the Taliban school of
negotiation?
I say we tell her
to go fuck herself.
Cooper's Bar's starting to
take off
and our new house drink is
turning a nice little profit.
How many customers
did you have last week?
11, and three of them
actually paid.
Cooper,
this is 25 grand!
It's not enough, Dave,
for my freakin' life rights?
And she's planning on
squeezing me out,
which means you and Brandon
are out, too.
Not if we go with the plan
that's just been hatched
by Cooper's newly promoted
director of
social media content
creation.
Oh, that really chips off
the tongue, Brandon.
What are you,
a Bacardi blimp?
I just met with
Billy Canasta,
you know, the crazy nail kid
from the other night,
and he has just been made
brand ambassador for Bacardi.
Bacardi's got
a diplomatic corps.
What, are they about to
invade Margaritaville?
Stop, okay?
Billy promotes the brand
as he promotes his lifestyle.
I convinced him to come here
to shoot a bunch of
social media stories
at Cooper's Bar.
Oh, nice!
Like a commercial.
Cha-ching!
Not exactly.
Location fee alone's
10 grand a day.
No, definitely not.
Listen,
they're gonna star
Cooper Marino!
I could do my one-man show
about bartenders
off-off-off Broadway.
There's no cash in it,
Cooper.
A commercial
that doesn't pay?
It's not a commercial!
Does Bacardi even know
we're doing this?
It's not about Bacardi, okay?
It's about Kris Latimer!
[Cellphone chimes]
Speak of the devil.
It's Kris Latimer.
She said this is
her final offer.
Either you accept this
or she'll find
some other wannabe hack
who has a shithole bar
in his dirt pit backyard
and buy his sad-sack
life rights.
That's ridiculous.
There's no other place
like Cooper's Bar.
Yeah, and your a one-of-a-kind
sad-sack loser, Coops.
Exactly what I'm saying.
We do the Billy Canasta post.
It'll be like
proof of concept,
the ultimate audition tape,
and when it goes viral,
Kris Latimer
will be beating down
your door
to play Cooper Marino.
Holy shit.
One time he's right.
This sounds like
a terrible idea.
David, you can direct it.
Oh, let's do it!
Let's see if we can stall
the Wicked Witch
of the West Side
till this comes out.
Here, use my dic-to-text.
"Use your dick to text?
Can't I use my fingers?"
Oh, Cooper.
[Cellphone chimes]
Dear Kris,
there has been some movement
on the project
that we believe alters
the landscape.
It would be inappropriate to
further discuss
without a semi-executed DNA
receipt
that must be triplicated
by DOA.
Failure to provide this
will result in Cooper Marino
finally telling Hollywood
to go fuck itself
so he can move back to Buffalo
and open a bar.
Come on, Cooper,
we almost had that.
[Cellphone whooshes]
Oh, shit.
Oh, what?
I was joking!
Get it back.
I'll say you just had
a stroke.
♪♪
[Sniffs]
Ahh.
♪♪
In case of party,
add Bacardi.
In case of party,
[chuckling] add Bacardi!
[Gruff voice] In case of party,
add Bacardi.
Ain't no party
unless there's Bacardi.
Quit branding,
you clod pole.
I just got the rhythm.
It's just a tweak,
okay?
Chris McCoy once said
a script is never finished.
It's abandoned.
You said we didn't even need
a script.
Just be yourself.
You being yourself
is saying shit like
clod pole.
Whatthe hell?
What What, do you got a
figure skating gig after this?
Directing's its own kind of
performance, Cooper.
I'm gonna bring a youthful
Harry Style vibe to the set.
[Chuckling]
Harry Styles?!
In "Death in Venice"!
Look, the, uh,
star's got a couple of
unforeseen demands
in his deal memo.
I don't have a deal memo.
It's the other star,
Billy Canasta.
It's just a product placement.
No big deal.
Oh, that's hot.
♪♪
You know, I always say,
"In case of a party,
Billy,
add Bacardi."
[Laughs]
Hi, I'm Billy Canasta
from "Who's Got Crabs?"
Where's the Canasta deck?
Cut it there!
David, please.
You said this would take
45 minutes.
I have a client coming.
This is ridiculous.
30 seconds.
Brandon, bruh!
You promised there would be
a Canasta deck
behind the bar!
I-It's behind the bar.
Where people can see it!
Cooper's isn't really
a skate bar.
Come on, Cooper.
This product integration's
what it takes to
get something made.
Chillax.
Chillax?
We okay? Alright? Good.
Okay, let's, uh, go again.
-Roll sound!
-Rolling.
On forever.
Look, I-I don't know
about this anymore.
I'm just, like,
not feeling it.
Something about this is just,
like, so
old fashioned.
You mean like Cooper's busted-up
twinkly lights?
-They're vintage.
-Old and broken
does not mean vintage,
bro.
Well, we're just trying to
catch the essence
of Cooper's Bar, bruh.
Yeah, bro, the essence
is kind of molded.
Let's move some of
those palm trees
in front of
this dirty furniture.
Excuse me, Fart Spice.
Those are from
Barbra Streisand's yard sale.
You know who
Barbra Streisand is?
Yeah, she played
Seth Rogan's mom.
Look, no offense, man,
but, like,
the way you act today
in contemporary media
is you don't act.
Do you get that?
Like, you just
you just got to be yourself.
It's all about
authenticity.
Authenticity.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
So, what, I should, uh,
bleach my teeth
as white as a toilet bowl
or paint my fingernails?
Man, I look delicious.
And I look like
a merch kiosk.
Is this what you call
authentic?
Coop, Coop.
If you can fake authenticity,
you're money, baby.
You can't argue with the likes.
Look, if you don't have the
chops to play the bartender,
it's not that big a deal.
The The
The chops?
Oh, just, oh
The The chops?
I don't play
the bartender.
I am the bartender.
And you know what
the best part about being
the bartender is?
Tossing losers like you
who stink up the joint.
Now, get the hell
out of here.
Can I put this down now?
Yeah, I'd rather sell
suppositories
on the One America Network.
Billy:
Hey, Coop, gimme one of
your Bacardi daiquiris.
In case of a party,
add the Bacardi.
♪♪
[Music skipping]
[Sighs]
Can't even play myself
in a shitty social media post.
Billy stole
all my ideas.
How did they build it
so fast?
It looked exactly like
this place.
I'm destined to be
an Uber driver.
No.
Let's call Antonia
at the studio.
There's got to be a way to
get around Kris
and straight to Cyrus Long.
That would be
career suicide.
You don't have a career.
Let's do it.
♪♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there is
something more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪