Cougar Town s01e04 Episode Script

Look at all these cute little cracks on your heels.
My feet have had some experience, OK, Josh? They've seen things.
- I didn't mean anything bad.
- I so don't care.
Seriously.
Oh, boy.
[Telephone rings.]
- Hello.
- Why are you out of breath? 'Cause I'm sanding down my disgusting elephant heels.
With all these shavings here I could make another foot.
- What are you doing? - Foreplay.
Oh, that's the stuff.
I gave Andy his two free sex cards for the month, - and he's already cashing one in.
- Work the ass.
- Fine.
- Oh, my God! Turn on Channel 30! There are women who didn't know they were pregnant having babies in toilets! - Really? - No.
Wrap it up.
Magic time.
You know the deal.
Normally, I decide if we have sex, but if Andy uses one of his cards I can't say no unless it's my birthday or he's hit me.
You can stay on the phone if you want, but I'm starting.
You want to hold on for a few minutes? Call me back.
Babies in toilets! Ooh! Yes! Come here, little guy.
- Hey, Jules! - Why are you here? I came by to get my saw out of the closet.
It's really hot sleeping on the boat and I need a window, like, pronto.
I thought that when we got divorced I would finally be able to enjoy my night snacks without you ruining it.
How can I ruin it? You know, one of those things is like eating three double cheeseburgers.
And there it is.
[Grunts.]
- Are you happy? - I'm just gonna go and - Hey, J-Bird, I'm sorry - Get out! Hey, paper buddy.
I just did back-to-back-to-back spinning classes.
The first two were for this big honkin' sticky bun I ate last night, the other one's for licking the frosting off my microwave tray this morning.
- Why not just skip the sticky bun? - Well, that's just crazy talk.
[Car alarm chirps.]
Oh, look who got laid last night.
That's right, chumps.
Missionary accomplished.
[Humming.]
Ah, married sex.
You know, we're lucky.
We're both divorced and attractive enough not to have to deal with that.
- You think I'm attractive? - I said we're both attractive.
- Yeah, but I'm part of both, right? - So I think you're attractive, - like you think I'm attractive.
- I don't think you're attractive.
I'm sure there's lots of people who think you're attractive, just not me.
Well, then I don't think you're attractive.
- No take-backs.
- Of course there's take-backs.
- There's always take-backs! - Nope.
Wha So, what's the big emergency? This is only, like, ten percent of the crap you still have in this house.
- Hey, it's my driver's license.
- I can't believe I was married to a man - who keeps his license in a box.
- A box marked "lmportant.
" It's like you still live here! Is this one of those times you're pissed at someone else, - and you're taking it out on me? - Maybe.
Look, I am mad about a very complicated take-back situation, but our marriage is over.
I just want this stuff out of here.
- Consider it done.
- Thank you.
Hot damn, baby! You know what this is? "Bobby and Jules doink.
" I guess it's our old sex tape.
- This goes in the keep pile, my dear.
- No.
You would show it to all your friends.
Uh-uh.
Wow.
Butt-naked 19-year-old you is stupid hot.
Look at my boobs.
Wow.
I think they're so big 'cause I was nine weeks pregnant with Travis when we made this.
But I didn't know it yet so that's why I was drinking beer.
That's a good point.
I could be pregnant right now.
Pay attention to this part.
This is where I'm dancing on the bed.
- Oh, a Running Man.
- Cute.
And stop.
After that it gets all intercourse-y.
- No one wants that.
- No.
- [Doorbell.]
- Pizza time.
- Wait.
What? - Please, you know you want me to.
You know, in a weird way, I think this is actually kind of sweet and - [ruckus on TV.]
- [Both.]
Oh! Oh, my God, I've eaten off that table.
Stop hurting Jules! - You turned it back on? Stop it! - We can't! - Then stop looking at it! - I can't stop looking.
- God.
What are you doing? - We were in love! - [Gasps.]
- [Jules.]
Oh! Travis! [TV off.]
What are you guys watching? - News.
- Tootsie.
TV's broken.
Tootsie.
Pizza's on the floor.
Oh, honey, this is so sad.
What? I'm just taking out the trash.
And if my neighbor happens to find me attractive, then - Well, I win.
- Win what? I don't know.
Stop asking stupid questions.
Sweetie, nobody wears boob tape - before 10:00am.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Bravo! Again! I know you think I'm cute.
You just don't want to say it.
I've got an idea.
Oh, great.
It's probably not insane at all.
Every night at 10:00 sharp, I'm gonna look out my window.
And if your porch light is on, I'm gonna know that's a signal that you think I'm attractive.
And you never have to say it to my face.
You've got old noodles all in your hair and Oh! Somebody's obsessed with my hair.
See you at 10:00, buddy-boy.
How'd it go? He's a jerk, and my hair smells like pad thai.
Are you watching my sex tape? Yeah, but with the volume down, so it's not weird.
- It's still weird.
- [TV off.]
You know, I used to be that young and hot.
Now, at night, I sit in front of that damn magnifying mirror and pick at things that don't need to be picked, and all I see staring back at me is a big pile of old.
Honey, it is not you.
It's that damn little mirror.
Look, mine's right here.
I spent the whole morning in the bathroom just staring at myself.
Then I got hungry so I came down here, poked at my face while I ate a bagel.
Some mirrors are friends.
That big one in my closet let me wear white pants today.
Well, not this one.
This one is evil.
Oh, God.
I have so many chin whiskers, I look like carny folk.
So many times I've just wanted to throw this thing out! - Don't.
- I have to.
Get me some tweezers.
Salad tongs, something.
So where are we supposed to put all this stuff? All the essentials stay on board.
Everything else, well No one goes behind that garage much, so So, as a grown man, you think it's a good idea to store most of your earthly possessions in the woods? Calm down.
What's a squirrel gonna do with a blender? - Mm-hmm.
- Ooh! No way! My old Cheeto.
Man, this thing is, like, 15 years old.
I saved it 'cause it looks exactly like Bruce Willis.
It must be worth, like, three times its original value now.
Trav, I dare you to eat it.
- What? No.
- Come on, little buddy.
My daddy used to dare me to eat things all the time.
I mean, I ate four bottle caps once.
Three have not passed.
I'm cool with that 'cause doing things with my pops made me the man I am today.
Well, that's a great sell, Dad, but I'm still leaning toward "no.
" - Come on.
One time.
- No.
No, no.
[Horns honking.]
Whoo! I'd like to be your bike seat! - Laurie! - What? It's fun.
You do it.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Come on.
There's a hot jogger.
Oh, fine.
Hey, sweet cheeks! Come to mama! - [Gasps.]
Go, go, go, go, go! - I can't! Laurie, come on! Well, hey, Laurie.
Mama.
I didn't mean what I said.
No, no, no, they really are very, very sweet cheeks.
Hey, maybe this will help pass the time if I just - It's so cool on the skin.
- [Jules.]
Oh, you know what? You're just an arrogant jerk who left his wife to have sex with teenagers! Guilty.
But it is kooky how many women find me attractive.
I mean, they range in age from 18 all the way up to, like - Well, how old are you? - All right, that's it.
I'm walking, Laurie.
See you at the office.
Excuse me.
So which way are we going? You want me to walk ahead so you can look at my buns? [Groans.]
Didn't think that one through, did you? Quiet time.
[Ellie.]
What are you doing? Getting the camcorder.
I knew I'd regret telling you about Jules's sex tape.
- Sex tape? What does it? - It's not happening, Andy.
Come on! [Jules.]
Grayson thinks he's God's gift to women.
I bet he thinks all we do is sit around talking about him all day, - wondering what he's thinking.
- Like we care what he thinks.
I bet he thinks his ex is all sad and pining for him.
Poor Vivian.
She gave him her best years.
- Oh, honey, were you two close? - So close! I went over and borrowed an Ace bandage from her once.
- She let me keep it.
- She sounds amazing.
You know, we should go check on her.
You want to go see if I think you're cuter than Grayson's ex? Well, I mean, only if you do.
Cute shoes.
Good shirt.
Bad skirt.
- Good skirt.
Good top.
Bad shoes.
- Are you having a seizure? Please, focus.
Come on, Vivian.
Go on your lunch break.
I've never stalked anyone before.
Well, one time I tracked down this chick that slept with my boyfriend, stole her identity and got her kicked out of college.
Does that count? I don't have to know everything about you, OK, Laurie? - OK.
- [Bells jingle.]
- Oh, this might be her.
- You are way cuter than she is.
- You're not even looking.
- Just doing my job.
Oh, wow.
See? You do think she's prettier than me.
I'll tell you something about Vivian that you don't know.
She flaunts it, Laurie.
The entire block thought she was a giant bitch.
Jules, look.
Oh, I'm so happy for her.
Preggers and engaged? I'd love to rub it in his face.
- So do it.
- No, it's too mean.
But he's been torturing you! And being mean is such a rush.
It's like that feeling you get when someone loses weight, and then they brag about it.
And then they gain it all back.
[High-pitched.]
Ooh! Oh.
- Do you even know how to be mean? - Hell, yeah.
When someone gets buggy with me, know what I do? - I don't.
- No.
First, if someone hurts my feelings, I get really, really sad for two days, but, then Then I act insanely nice to them so they feel totally guilty.
- Does that work? - I like to think it stings a little.
Jules, if you don't torch this cocky bastard, then I will.
- No, no, I want to do it.
- What is this weird mirror? No! Stay away from it.
Oh, my God, my pores look like giant bullet holes.
I see a little mustache.
[Ellie.]
Where did this woman go? Come on, you still look like that.
Should I just stop obsessing about how much older I look? Yes.
Because you are a stunningly beautiful woman.
Wrong.
The correct response is, "You don't look any older.
" That was a trap! We're not gonna do this.
In fact l'd like to use my last card.
Your cards are no longer honored at this establishment.
[Gasps.]
If you were my son and I really wanted you to eat this, would you? - Yes, out of love.
- Exactly.
- One cosmo, you jerk.
- OK.
So I'm guessing Jules showed you our sex tape? Yep.
- Did she show you the part when - Yep.
It never goes away.
Here you go, angry chick.
I hope you were smart enough to snag your sex tapes before you left your wife.
I didn't leave her.
She left me.
- Why? - Well, I wanted kids, and she didn't.
That's one of those problems you just can't fix.
So, she left.
It sucked.
- Guess who I saw today? - [Slow motion.]
No! Your ex-wife.
She's happy.
She's engaged.
And get this, she's preggers! Burn on who, huh? I'd say burn on you, pal.
How'd I do? I can't believe I did that.
I feel so guilty I could actually cry.
- Why are you eating like that? - It tastes better this way.
I don't know why.
And stop watching me eat.
I thought we had an understanding.
No, I can eat junk food in front of other people.
Oh, yay for you, Laurie.
Turn around.
Nice bite.
What are you, a wolf? - I just want my treat.
- Your sex tape ruined my marriage.
My husband and I will never have sex again because of you and your stupid, hot, 20-year-old body.
It made me hate my ancient, saggy, Don't watch me eat! Turn away.
Turn away.
She's way worse than me.
- She gets violent.
- Eek.
I'm gonna go talk to Grayson.
Will you make sure Ellie's OK? - I hate her.
- Oh, come on.
Way deep down inside you must like her a little, right? I don't think I do.
Stay here for 30 minutes, I'll give you Friday off.
Hey.
You wanna talk? I said don't watch me eat! Ow! Ow! It's so awesome that you drive a golf cart, 'cause that way we get to make, like, nine thousand trips.
Dad? Dad? [Bobby.]
Hi, junior.
I was married to Demi Moore.
I'm not eating it.
Fine.
I'll eat it, then.
[Grunts.]
See? No big deal.
I just wanted us to [gags.]
[Spits.]
It's horrible.
I just wanted us to have a thing like me and my dad.
You know, you don't like golf.
You don't like boats.
You don't like playing "let's throw things at each other's nuts.
" I mean, sometimes I wonder what part of you is me.
- Come on, I just - Not now.
I gotta go harf.
- How you doing? - So great.
I'm so sorry I was the one to, well, break the news about Vivian.
No, no, I'm glad it came from you.
- You don't mean that.
- I really don't.
OK, look, we can either talk this out, or I could just never speak to you again.
Shouldn't have given that as an option.
What? - And BTW, she hit me.
- She was watching me eat.
- I was not watching you eat! - You! You don't watch people eat.
It makes us want to cry.
And you, Ellie Torres, you are a foxy treat.
Your opinion means nothing.
You're always nice to me.
OK.
Laurie isn't.
Laurie, say something nice to Ellie.
- I can't.
- [Jules.]
Admit it.
You know she is a smoking piece of ass.
[Scoffs.]
Fine.
She's hot for a frigid, beastly, elderly woman.
- You think I'm hot? - That worked? Well, yeah, because if that trashy, big-lipped slag said it, - it might be a little true.
- You think I have big lips? - That's really sweet.
- [Cell phone beeps.]
All right, my 30 minutes is up.
I'm out.
Bye, Jules.
Later, Grandma.
Oh, hey, Jules.
Are you really in my bedroom watching our tape? Seriously, is this actually happening? Calm down.
I was just packing up the last of my stuff, and I got nostalgic.
I mean, ignore us going at it for a sec and look at our old apartment.
Now, you remember that nasty couch? We found that on the street.
You just can't find good furniture on the street anymore.
Oh, and there's our one bathroom.
Didn't even have a door.
- You loved that.
- Mmm.
So convenient.
You know why I like watching this tape? I like remembering all this.
I like seeing us when we were happy together.
Me too.
Plus, I love it when you turn around and you And I'm out.
Can I come in? "I thought you were never going to talk to me again," he said hopefully.
I'll be inside.
You come in when you're ready.
Oh! What the hell? Sorry.
I pictured that being much more of a bonding moment.
You got me.
You know, Dad, I'm trying.
Forget about all that, all right? You know, we don't need to have a thing.
Just because I like eating fossilized Cheetos doesn't mean you have to.
[Travis.]
Well, maybe that's it.
Maybe me getting you to do stupid things can be our thing.
I'm listening.
Well, you've got a real flair for decorating.
She took everything.
What do you want? - Look, your marriage sucked.
- Thank you.
And my marriage sucked.
But why would you let me think that you're some jerk - who walked away from his wife? - I don't know.
Maybe for some reason I thought you'd be really annoying and want to talk about it.
Or maybe I'd rather not relive the super-fun adventure of having someone you love just walk away.
Definitely one of those two things.
You can't just pretend it didn't happen.
Are you sure? Because I'm pretending this conversation never happened as it's happening.
Grayson, look, I know what it's like to want to erase your past.
I had Bobby move all of his crap out just so I wouldn't have a daily reminder of it.
But you can't pack away your past in boxes.
It's always gonna be a part of who you are.
I mean, look, you were treated really, really badly, which kind of justifies why you can be such a tool.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I was also treated really badly, but, you know, I'm super nice, whatever.
- Worst buck-up speech ever.
- I'm not done yet.
You need to know that eventually this isn't gonna hurt so much.
And the good times are just gonna get easier to remember.
And you're gonna end up being a stronger person because of all the stuff that you've been through.
I promise.
Really.
Oh, by the way, I hated your wife.
She was a total bitch.
Needed to be said.
You deserve better.
Any thoughts? Comments? Feelings? Questions? Well, all right.
Then I'll just see myself out.
- Hey, did you say something? - Nope.
Thought I heard something.
Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten! [Both.]
Oh! - Nice! Whoo! - Sick! What are you guys up to? Trav dared me to stick the hose in my mouth for ten seconds.
- Can I go next? - It's kind of a father-son thing.
Oh.
Yeah.
- What's wrong? - Life.
Maybe this'll make you feel better.
Thank you for always thinking I'm beautiful even when I don't.
- We can have sex again? - Yes, whenever you want - Now, please.
- What? - What are you doing? - Nothing.
What are you doing? Reading a book.
Ow! Are you and Andy all better? He's fine.
I was calling you because it's 10:00, and I was looking outside Oh, my God, his porch light is on.
- He admitted it! - You won.
I knew it! I don't want to talk about this, OK? - This is just me being nice.
- Just say it out loud! Say you're attracted to me, and I'll never talk to you about it again! - Leave me alone.
- Come on.
What's my best feature? Is it my butt? 'Cause I've been working really hard on my butt.
Yes! I can't believe you let me tape us.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- This is very exciting for me.
- I know.
- Is my back really that hairy? - Yes.
- Is this in slow motion? - No.
- Can we just erase this? - Yes.
- Great.
- No.