Count Arthur Strong (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Arthurs Big Moment
1 HE HUMS TO HIMSELF All right, Grandad? Oh, hello.
You on your holidays? What? No.
Well, tuck your shirt in then.
If my mother had caught me in the street with my shirt hanging out, there'd have been hell to pay.
There would have been no Sunday school for me, never mind waddling down the road with your trousers round your ankles.
Have a think about that.
POP MUSIC PLAYS SHE HUMS TO HERSELF Sorry.
Love this song.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it's got a It's got a lovely rhythm.
Is it a new song? You don't know it? No, I don't.
I'm not I don't really like music.
What? I find it more irritating than anything.
All music? Eryeah.
Only me Coming through the door Singing this song And I'll have a number three.
Thank you! I couldn't live without music.
You can't not like all music.
That's like you're an alien or acat.
No, I'm not a cat.
No.
I don't like string.
You don't like string? No, II do like string.
Katya, are you back on the solids then? This is a soup bar, Arthur.
It's made from soup.
You want to be careful, though.
That might be one of those GM foods.
You don't want to touch anything out of Greater Manchester.
Hey, Sinem.
Have you written "fizzy slush" on the board? No.
We have to let the people know we have the machine.
The kids love fizzy slush.
No, they don't.
It's disgusting.
I don't even like saying the words.
You know, I don't even like thinking about it.
Fizzy slush? Ugh.
Where's the chalk? Stay away from my sister.
What? I said, "Where's the chalk?" In the drawer.
Tea and two toasts, please, Bulent.
All right, John? How's tricks then? Morning, Arthur.
Morning Sorry, what's your name again, mate? My name's Michael.
What are you asking him for? Sorry? You said WITH RISING INFLECTION: "My name's Michael.
" You're not sure of your name? No, I am.
Well, don't say it like a question.
All right, sorry.
WITH RISING INFLECTION: My name's Michael.
That was worse, if anything.
You made me think about it too much now.
My name's M Mi Michael.
I've done it again.
Here, Arthur, here's that book I was telling you about.
Oh, thanks, Eggy.
Looks like a good one.
The Faux-lympics? What's that? It's about how they faked the Olympics.
What? Yeah.
To keep our minds off the recession.
What do you mean faked? They didn't happen.
The whole Olympics? Yeah.
The ones that were in London? Yeah.
Then what was that on the telly? Actors.
Actors? They were all actors? All the athletes? But there were thousands of them.
That's why they're only every four years.
The casting takes ages.
It's all in the book.
Well, I look forward to reading that, Eggy.
I thought there was something funny going on when I was watching it.
Something funny going on? Yeah.
The 400 metres, for instance.
The man that won that was in an episode of Casualty.
Yeah, they slipped up there, didn't they? Did anyone notice anything strange on the way here? Yeah, I did, John.
They've got a two-for-one offer on lamb chops at the butcher's.
Very strange.
No, it's not that, Arthur.
It's just it feels like something's about to happen.
You bet it will.
Two-for-one on chops? It'll all kick off now.
We need to get different colours for the chalk so "fizzy slush" jumps out.
Yeah, like a mugger.
There is a lot of faces on the manor I don't recognise.
Kids.
What are they all doing here? Maybe there's something wrong with them.
What? Maybe they've had flies on them.
Who? His chops.
Maybe it's a consignment of condemned meat from Greater Manchester.
I'm talking about the kids, Arthur.
What, the butcher's kids? Do you think they've done something to the meat? Maybe they've been seen coughing on it.
SHOUTING AND GLASS SMASHING SHOUTING GETS LOUDER Everyone, get into the back room! What's the matter? I'm not going in the back room, I'm having my tea.
There's a mob.
They're smashing things up.
I'm not shifting.
Which one's the back room?! Come on! GLASS SMASHING Sit down in that chair, love.
Shut the door, shut the door.
GLASS SMASHING AND BANGING ON DOOR Who is it? BANGING ON DOOR No, thank you.
They won't get through.
Dad put that door in.
I knew it.
I knew it.
The fool! The silly fool! Did he not know what would happen? Two chops for the price of one! That's just asking for trouble.
I don't think it's anything to do with the chops, Arthur.
Cheap meat does things to people, Michael.
I know.
Are we sure this is really happening? What? How do we know that there really is a riot? Because of the riot.
BULENT: Move away from the door.
What you think you're doing? Never mind.
Just open the door.
They're Venetian blinds.
Some of them are quite sharp.
Quick, out of the way.
You can't go out there, you idiot.
I'll be fine.
No.
Please, stop him.
No, don't do this.
Don't do this.
I'll tell Mum.
I will tell Mum.
Bulent, I think Sinem's right.
Mind your business.
OK.
Oh, my God.
He'll do it.
He'll do it.
We have to stop him.
Please.
Raaargh! Get off me! I'm doing this because I like you, Bulent.
Let go of me.
I like you, Bulent.
I'm doing this because I like you.
You can't hold me for ever.
What do I do? We could use some of that.
BULENT: Hey, everyone, I'm OK now.
I'm very, very calm.
Everything will be fine now.
Sorry about earlier.
You can let me go now.
See? I am so calm.
You're not angry? No.
Do I look angry? Hm, you look a bit odd.
That's because he's smiling.
Why are you smiling? I'm smiling because I'm calm.
Please, my good friends, let me go.
I will not do anything.
I think we'll just leave things as they are for a bit.
Until he stops smiling.
OK, I'm not smiling.
Get me out of this! Get me out of this! That's worse than the smiling.
Can we turn him to the wall? SMASHING AND CLATTERING Oh, you hear? You hear what they are doing? Yeah, and it could be you they're doing it to, you idiot.
Yes, you want to calm down or you'll be hyperventilating yourself.
We'll have to put a paper bag over your head.
No, no, no.
Don't, don't.
Should I? No.
Sorry, Bulent, we'll just have to sit it out.
Well, it might be a while.
It's kicking off everywhere, according to Twitter.
What? What are you on about? He's long gone.
Who? Hitler.
Not Hitler.
Twitter.
Twitter.
According to Twitter.
I have absolutely no idea what you are on about.
The police are saying if you're in a safe place to stay there.
Well, I guess that's all there is to it.
Are you all right, Katya? Why are they doing this? It's the butcher's kids.
They've been coughing on chops so he's doing them two-for-one and all this has kicked off.
Thanks for that.
Oh.
No problem.
I hope it didn't seem like I was, you know What? A You know, a .
.
a Westerner suppressing him.
Listen, I'm a bit worried about Arthur.
Arthur likes having an audience.
Right? Well, now he's got one.
All of us.
And we can't leave.
Have you ever seen Arthur perform? Yes.
Once he rented the library and did a little show, you know.
Everyone went.
Well, everyone except Bulent.
Trying to be polite, you know.
Katya fell asleep so she missed the worst of it but we saw all of it.
Listen, you two, it's about Arthur.
Yeah, I've told him.
Did you tell him about the little show? However bad she says it was, it was 100 times worse.
We've got to keep his mind on other things, Michael.
We mustn't let him do a little show.
For God's sake, don't let him do a little show.
It's good stuff, this, isn't it? It's very effective.
How much do you pay for a roll of that then? ã2.
50, wholesale.
That's quite reasonable, isn't it? Yes, it's not bad, actually.
My cousin in the market Look, just put it back on the shelf! I thought you'd have more food than this in here.
Mind your business.
Leave my shelves alone.
I'm only thinking ahead, Bulent.
I don't know how long we'll be here, do I? Anything you eat, you pay for.
Double.
Yes, but surely in the circumstances, you'll allow us some dinner on the house? I mean, when I left home this morning I didn't know I'd be involved in a siege situation, did I? CRASHING I don't think we'll be in here too long.
SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE These things tend to flare up and blow over pretty quickly, don't they? Well, you're saying that, you know, but look at the wooden horse of Troy - that went on for months.
It was ten years, actually.
They spent ten years waiting in a horse? No, no, the siege of Troy lasted ten years.
Or that's how the story goes.
There wasn't actually a big wooden horse that people hid inside.
That's a myth.
I'm not so sure.
You believe in a big wooden horse full of people but not the Olympics? Ten years? I'm not stopping in here for ten years.
What will we do with ourselves? How will we keep ourselves entertained? What if? Arthur, who do you fancy in the 4:15 at Chepstow? Lucky Madam.
She's running good, is Lucky Madam.
Let's keep talking about racing.
Here.
Here's the paper.
Have a look and see who's running tomorrow.
All right.
Oh, it's a good line-up tomorrow, actually.
Laugh A Minute, Great Showman, Dancing Dandy, Stunning Performance, Under The Spotlight.
What about the crossword? The crossword.
Let's do the crossword.
That'll help pass the time.
I suppose we could do the crossword.
I've not seen today's.
Let's have a look.
Oh, you've made a start on this.
Six down.
Major sporting event of 2012 beginning with O.
Well, we know it's not the Olympics, don't we, Eggy? So we can rule that out.
Arthur, why don't you put on a little show? To keep our spirits up like that one you did in the library.
What an absolutely marvellous idea! What about the crossword, Arthur? Bugger the crossword! This is much more important.
Singing on the Underground.
We'll Meet Again.
A bit of the old Blitz spirit.
That's what's needed here.
Isn't that right, Katya? SHE SNORES LOUDLY Right, settle down.
Oh, this is going to be great.
I don't want to watch a show.
HE LAUGHS Oh, very funny, Bulent.
Oh, this riot has turned out to be a blessing in disguise, hasn't it? Excuse me.
Be a man, John.
For God's sake, be a man.
Jesus Christ.
Superstar.
The Sound Of Music.
The Phantom Of The Opera.
Cats, Oliver, Chess.
The King And Me.
The Wizard Of Iz.
And, of course, who could forget the world's longest-running musical about a French revolution? Les Miserablies Mamismislisarablie abilies.
Misliesaughabulous.
Mrs Arbless? Blism Mislisughugh ohughARGHABLES! Ever since the first caveman howled at the moon and blew on a flute made out of someone's jawbone, man has always had the urge to sing, and sing he has, right up to the present day.
SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE I'd like to do for you now some of my favourite tunes.
THEY GROAN This short selection of 14 songs THEY GROAN .
.
is my gift to you, ending in a medley of the greatest songs of Sir Andrew LordLloyd Webber.
Hey, do you remember? I was just about to do that bit in the library when the fire alarm went.
Sorry, what is this? He's going to do a little show to keep our spirits up.
Who is he? He's Count Arthur Strong.
He and my dad used to do a double act.
His dad was Max Baker.
WITH RISING INFLECTION: I'm Michael Baker.
I've done it again! I used to love Max Baker.
Wow.
This could be great.
Like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel Like a snowball down a mountain Or a carnival balloon Like a carousel that's turning Running rings around the moon Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face And the world is like an apple Whirling forward HE MUMBLES Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind Keys that jingle in your pocket Words that jangle in your head Why did summer go so quick? Was it something that I said? Lovers walk along the shore And leave their footprints in the sand Is the sound of distant drumming The drumming of your hand? When she said that it was over You were suddenly aware That the autumn leaves were turning To the colour of her hair! Like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel Never ending nor beginning An ever-spinning reel As the images unwind Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind! HE SOBS I'm going to go.
Take me with you, please.
Please.
I don't think you should go out there.
I can still hear them milling about.
No, I think I'd like to risk it.
Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to tonight's show.
I'll be back in a minute.
I've just got to do a costume change.
That's like his third song and he thinks he's just started.
No, I'm sorry, I'm going to slip out.
Lock the door behind me.
Goodbye.
May God have mercy on your souls.
SHOUTING AND SMASHING That lucky bastard.
BIG BAND MUSIC OLD WEST MUSIC JAUNTY MUSIC CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC So, I suppose this hasn't done anything to change your opinion of music.
You know, I exaggerate that to some extent.
My dad was always trying to push me into things.
Music was one of them.
Show tunes.
He was always trying to get me to sing.
So II developed this sort of, "I hate music," thing.
It's not true.
Not really.
God, what was that song he was always trying to get me to do? One about Oh, from the Audrey Hepburn film.
What was it? Oh, I used to love it.
Er Oh, anyway.
Can you believe Katya's still asleep? You've got to envy that.
SHE GIGGLES I reckon there's nobody out there, you know.
Oh, my God! No, it's just very convenient that we were talking about the Olympics and then that happened.
I can hear them out there.
YOU can hear them.
It could be a recording.
It might all be faked, like the moon landings.
Oh, God, Eggy! Come on, you have to believe in some things otherwise you justyou go mad.
No, no.
You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
Last time anyone did that, I looked quite the fool.
Quite the fool.
And my wife, she You're married? I was, yes.
I thought we were happy.
But that wasn't true.
Evening classes, she said she was doing.
But that wasn't what she was doing.
It wasn't that at all.
No, no, no.
Not falling for that again.
Not falling for anything again.
And now it's the 1960s! Oh, this is a duet.
You could do this with me.
I'm not going to sing with you, Arthur.
Oh, go on.
Me and your dad used to do this one.
No.
Oh, well, suit yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, close your eyes and imagine, if you will, a young Julie Andrews.
MEDLEY OF SHOW TUNE MUSIC Arthur.
La, da, da-da, da, da-da! Arthur, please.
Please! Arthur, I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to ask you to stop entertaining everyone.
But I've got to do my Shakespeare yet.
What? Yeah.
When I was going to finish my musical show, I was going to do my Shakespeare show.
No, I'm sorry, Arthur.
I think if you do Shakespeare someone might die.
We'rewe're very grateful though, you know, for for keeping our spirits up.
No, we're not! We're not grateful! You are Hey! Oh, bravo! Bravo! Thank you, Katya! More! More! Oh, I couldn't.
I couldn't.
Oh, go on then! No! You see? You see? They hated it! Just shut up! You made a terrible situation many times worse.
And that show you put on was the worst thing I've ever seen! Hey, listen, it's in my blood, is show business.
Well, then go and work in a box office somewhere.
Sell ice creams in the interval.
Just stay off the stage.
You don't belong there! You bring misery to everyone who sees you perform! Bulent! No, no, Sinem.
Let him speak his mind.
So, which bit didn't you like then? All of it! All of it! You have no talent.
None.
That's why his old man left you behind.
Because you have no talent! SHE GROANS Are you all right, Katya? My pills.
I have to take my pills.
Where are they? Out there, under my table, in the Iceland bag.
Oh, I'm sorry, Katya, but we might have to wait till all this is over.
They're for flatulence.
We're going to get you those pills, Katya.
Oh! Hold my hand! Hold my hand! Oh, God.
Where are you going? I'm going to get Katya's pills.
No, don't you go.
I'll go.
Don't let go! Oh! It's not a good idea, Arthur.
I'll go.
No, no, no.
You stay where you are, John.
It's been made perfectly clear to me that my presence here has been at best tolerated.
No No, no.
I know where I stand.
I've lived my life.
Now step aside, everybody, if you will, and allow me to retrieve Katya's flatulence tablets.
I may be some time.
Oh, well done(!) Oh, very brave(!) An old man.
You, you shouldn't have let him leave.
You shouldn't have said those things.
You could have defended him.
But you didn't.
Because you know I'm right.
You all do.
He can't sing, he can't dance, he can't do anything! And you're conning him when you kid him otherwise.
KATYA GROANS All right, all right, all right, Katya.
Let's just try and think of something else.
Just imagine we're not here, not in a store room.
We're in Poland.
We're in Krakow withum Lech Walesa.
No, no! Donald Sutherland.
I like Donald Sutherland.
OK, in Krakow with Donald Sutherland and you are eating golonka and watchingMASHthe film, not the food.
Oh! So sorry, Katya, I don't really know much about Poland.
I've been to Sweden.
Could you sing to me? I don't really I'm not I don't.
SINEM: Here he is! Look what I got.
A pair of pumps and a telly.
Hey, they've still got the labels on them as well.
Oh, hey, and feel in my pocket.
They're for you.
Did you get my pills? Oh, for crying out loud.
I knew there was something.
Here, hold that, you.
I'll be back in a minute now I've remembered.
No, Arthur, don't.
BOY: What's in here then? Oh, ho! Come in here, you.
Look at this.
One of the ringleaders, I'll bet.
What are you talking about? I'm not a ringleader of nothing, man.
I'll kill him! Now, now, Bulent.
Don't go jumping the gun.
We haven't asked him what his demands are yet.
What are your demands? I haven't got any demands.
Well, you're not much of a ringmaster then, are you? You smashed up my cafe, my business! I didn't smash nothing up.
I'll smash you.
Oh, yeah? How are you going to do that, bruv? You're all wrapped up.
Look, I just wanted a fizzy slush, yeah? I'll pay for it.
Look.
SINEM: You like those? No, my girlfriend loves them.
I think they're disgusting.
Aaargh! THEY SHOU Please, don't No Bulent Uhum Moon River, wider than a mile I'm crossing you in style someday Oh, dream-maker, you heart-breaker Wherever you're going I'm going your way TOGETHER: # Two drifters Off to see the world There's such a lot of world to see We're after the same rainbow's end Waiting round the bend My huckleberry friend Moon River and me! You people are mental.
Who are you? I'm Michael Baker.
Now that's how you say it! Why are you still in here, anyway? You know it's all over.
Oh, yeah, it was a very quiet when I was out there.
For God's sake.
Why didn't you tell us? We can all leave.
Come on, Katya, let's go.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Have you seen the state of the place, mate? How long have you been here? Just under an hour.
JOHN: Oh, look at this.
Hey, there really was a riot.
This story shall the good man teach his son And Crispin Crispian will ne'er go by From this day to the ending of the world But we in it shall be remember'd We few, we happy few We band of brothers For he today that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother Be he ne'er so vile This day shall gentle his condition And gentlemen in England now a-bed Will think themselves accursed they were not here And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
In the windmills of your mind! BULENT: Oh, look at this! Look at this! Hey! The fizzy slush machine's OK! KATYA: My pills!
You on your holidays? What? No.
Well, tuck your shirt in then.
If my mother had caught me in the street with my shirt hanging out, there'd have been hell to pay.
There would have been no Sunday school for me, never mind waddling down the road with your trousers round your ankles.
Have a think about that.
POP MUSIC PLAYS SHE HUMS TO HERSELF Sorry.
Love this song.
Oh, yes.
Yes, it's got a It's got a lovely rhythm.
Is it a new song? You don't know it? No, I don't.
I'm not I don't really like music.
What? I find it more irritating than anything.
All music? Eryeah.
Only me Coming through the door Singing this song And I'll have a number three.
Thank you! I couldn't live without music.
You can't not like all music.
That's like you're an alien or acat.
No, I'm not a cat.
No.
I don't like string.
You don't like string? No, II do like string.
Katya, are you back on the solids then? This is a soup bar, Arthur.
It's made from soup.
You want to be careful, though.
That might be one of those GM foods.
You don't want to touch anything out of Greater Manchester.
Hey, Sinem.
Have you written "fizzy slush" on the board? No.
We have to let the people know we have the machine.
The kids love fizzy slush.
No, they don't.
It's disgusting.
I don't even like saying the words.
You know, I don't even like thinking about it.
Fizzy slush? Ugh.
Where's the chalk? Stay away from my sister.
What? I said, "Where's the chalk?" In the drawer.
Tea and two toasts, please, Bulent.
All right, John? How's tricks then? Morning, Arthur.
Morning Sorry, what's your name again, mate? My name's Michael.
What are you asking him for? Sorry? You said WITH RISING INFLECTION: "My name's Michael.
" You're not sure of your name? No, I am.
Well, don't say it like a question.
All right, sorry.
WITH RISING INFLECTION: My name's Michael.
That was worse, if anything.
You made me think about it too much now.
My name's M Mi Michael.
I've done it again.
Here, Arthur, here's that book I was telling you about.
Oh, thanks, Eggy.
Looks like a good one.
The Faux-lympics? What's that? It's about how they faked the Olympics.
What? Yeah.
To keep our minds off the recession.
What do you mean faked? They didn't happen.
The whole Olympics? Yeah.
The ones that were in London? Yeah.
Then what was that on the telly? Actors.
Actors? They were all actors? All the athletes? But there were thousands of them.
That's why they're only every four years.
The casting takes ages.
It's all in the book.
Well, I look forward to reading that, Eggy.
I thought there was something funny going on when I was watching it.
Something funny going on? Yeah.
The 400 metres, for instance.
The man that won that was in an episode of Casualty.
Yeah, they slipped up there, didn't they? Did anyone notice anything strange on the way here? Yeah, I did, John.
They've got a two-for-one offer on lamb chops at the butcher's.
Very strange.
No, it's not that, Arthur.
It's just it feels like something's about to happen.
You bet it will.
Two-for-one on chops? It'll all kick off now.
We need to get different colours for the chalk so "fizzy slush" jumps out.
Yeah, like a mugger.
There is a lot of faces on the manor I don't recognise.
Kids.
What are they all doing here? Maybe there's something wrong with them.
What? Maybe they've had flies on them.
Who? His chops.
Maybe it's a consignment of condemned meat from Greater Manchester.
I'm talking about the kids, Arthur.
What, the butcher's kids? Do you think they've done something to the meat? Maybe they've been seen coughing on it.
SHOUTING AND GLASS SMASHING SHOUTING GETS LOUDER Everyone, get into the back room! What's the matter? I'm not going in the back room, I'm having my tea.
There's a mob.
They're smashing things up.
I'm not shifting.
Which one's the back room?! Come on! GLASS SMASHING Sit down in that chair, love.
Shut the door, shut the door.
GLASS SMASHING AND BANGING ON DOOR Who is it? BANGING ON DOOR No, thank you.
They won't get through.
Dad put that door in.
I knew it.
I knew it.
The fool! The silly fool! Did he not know what would happen? Two chops for the price of one! That's just asking for trouble.
I don't think it's anything to do with the chops, Arthur.
Cheap meat does things to people, Michael.
I know.
Are we sure this is really happening? What? How do we know that there really is a riot? Because of the riot.
BULENT: Move away from the door.
What you think you're doing? Never mind.
Just open the door.
They're Venetian blinds.
Some of them are quite sharp.
Quick, out of the way.
You can't go out there, you idiot.
I'll be fine.
No.
Please, stop him.
No, don't do this.
Don't do this.
I'll tell Mum.
I will tell Mum.
Bulent, I think Sinem's right.
Mind your business.
OK.
Oh, my God.
He'll do it.
He'll do it.
We have to stop him.
Please.
Raaargh! Get off me! I'm doing this because I like you, Bulent.
Let go of me.
I like you, Bulent.
I'm doing this because I like you.
You can't hold me for ever.
What do I do? We could use some of that.
BULENT: Hey, everyone, I'm OK now.
I'm very, very calm.
Everything will be fine now.
Sorry about earlier.
You can let me go now.
See? I am so calm.
You're not angry? No.
Do I look angry? Hm, you look a bit odd.
That's because he's smiling.
Why are you smiling? I'm smiling because I'm calm.
Please, my good friends, let me go.
I will not do anything.
I think we'll just leave things as they are for a bit.
Until he stops smiling.
OK, I'm not smiling.
Get me out of this! Get me out of this! That's worse than the smiling.
Can we turn him to the wall? SMASHING AND CLATTERING Oh, you hear? You hear what they are doing? Yeah, and it could be you they're doing it to, you idiot.
Yes, you want to calm down or you'll be hyperventilating yourself.
We'll have to put a paper bag over your head.
No, no, no.
Don't, don't.
Should I? No.
Sorry, Bulent, we'll just have to sit it out.
Well, it might be a while.
It's kicking off everywhere, according to Twitter.
What? What are you on about? He's long gone.
Who? Hitler.
Not Hitler.
Twitter.
Twitter.
According to Twitter.
I have absolutely no idea what you are on about.
The police are saying if you're in a safe place to stay there.
Well, I guess that's all there is to it.
Are you all right, Katya? Why are they doing this? It's the butcher's kids.
They've been coughing on chops so he's doing them two-for-one and all this has kicked off.
Thanks for that.
Oh.
No problem.
I hope it didn't seem like I was, you know What? A You know, a .
.
a Westerner suppressing him.
Listen, I'm a bit worried about Arthur.
Arthur likes having an audience.
Right? Well, now he's got one.
All of us.
And we can't leave.
Have you ever seen Arthur perform? Yes.
Once he rented the library and did a little show, you know.
Everyone went.
Well, everyone except Bulent.
Trying to be polite, you know.
Katya fell asleep so she missed the worst of it but we saw all of it.
Listen, you two, it's about Arthur.
Yeah, I've told him.
Did you tell him about the little show? However bad she says it was, it was 100 times worse.
We've got to keep his mind on other things, Michael.
We mustn't let him do a little show.
For God's sake, don't let him do a little show.
It's good stuff, this, isn't it? It's very effective.
How much do you pay for a roll of that then? ã2.
50, wholesale.
That's quite reasonable, isn't it? Yes, it's not bad, actually.
My cousin in the market Look, just put it back on the shelf! I thought you'd have more food than this in here.
Mind your business.
Leave my shelves alone.
I'm only thinking ahead, Bulent.
I don't know how long we'll be here, do I? Anything you eat, you pay for.
Double.
Yes, but surely in the circumstances, you'll allow us some dinner on the house? I mean, when I left home this morning I didn't know I'd be involved in a siege situation, did I? CRASHING I don't think we'll be in here too long.
SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE These things tend to flare up and blow over pretty quickly, don't they? Well, you're saying that, you know, but look at the wooden horse of Troy - that went on for months.
It was ten years, actually.
They spent ten years waiting in a horse? No, no, the siege of Troy lasted ten years.
Or that's how the story goes.
There wasn't actually a big wooden horse that people hid inside.
That's a myth.
I'm not so sure.
You believe in a big wooden horse full of people but not the Olympics? Ten years? I'm not stopping in here for ten years.
What will we do with ourselves? How will we keep ourselves entertained? What if? Arthur, who do you fancy in the 4:15 at Chepstow? Lucky Madam.
She's running good, is Lucky Madam.
Let's keep talking about racing.
Here.
Here's the paper.
Have a look and see who's running tomorrow.
All right.
Oh, it's a good line-up tomorrow, actually.
Laugh A Minute, Great Showman, Dancing Dandy, Stunning Performance, Under The Spotlight.
What about the crossword? The crossword.
Let's do the crossword.
That'll help pass the time.
I suppose we could do the crossword.
I've not seen today's.
Let's have a look.
Oh, you've made a start on this.
Six down.
Major sporting event of 2012 beginning with O.
Well, we know it's not the Olympics, don't we, Eggy? So we can rule that out.
Arthur, why don't you put on a little show? To keep our spirits up like that one you did in the library.
What an absolutely marvellous idea! What about the crossword, Arthur? Bugger the crossword! This is much more important.
Singing on the Underground.
We'll Meet Again.
A bit of the old Blitz spirit.
That's what's needed here.
Isn't that right, Katya? SHE SNORES LOUDLY Right, settle down.
Oh, this is going to be great.
I don't want to watch a show.
HE LAUGHS Oh, very funny, Bulent.
Oh, this riot has turned out to be a blessing in disguise, hasn't it? Excuse me.
Be a man, John.
For God's sake, be a man.
Jesus Christ.
Superstar.
The Sound Of Music.
The Phantom Of The Opera.
Cats, Oliver, Chess.
The King And Me.
The Wizard Of Iz.
And, of course, who could forget the world's longest-running musical about a French revolution? Les Miserablies Mamismislisarablie abilies.
Misliesaughabulous.
Mrs Arbless? Blism Mislisughugh ohughARGHABLES! Ever since the first caveman howled at the moon and blew on a flute made out of someone's jawbone, man has always had the urge to sing, and sing he has, right up to the present day.
SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE I'd like to do for you now some of my favourite tunes.
THEY GROAN This short selection of 14 songs THEY GROAN .
.
is my gift to you, ending in a medley of the greatest songs of Sir Andrew LordLloyd Webber.
Hey, do you remember? I was just about to do that bit in the library when the fire alarm went.
Sorry, what is this? He's going to do a little show to keep our spirits up.
Who is he? He's Count Arthur Strong.
He and my dad used to do a double act.
His dad was Max Baker.
WITH RISING INFLECTION: I'm Michael Baker.
I've done it again! I used to love Max Baker.
Wow.
This could be great.
Like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel Never ending or beginning On an ever-spinning reel Like a snowball down a mountain Or a carnival balloon Like a carousel that's turning Running rings around the moon Like a clock whose hands are sweeping Past the minutes of its face And the world is like an apple Whirling forward HE MUMBLES Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind Keys that jingle in your pocket Words that jangle in your head Why did summer go so quick? Was it something that I said? Lovers walk along the shore And leave their footprints in the sand Is the sound of distant drumming The drumming of your hand? When she said that it was over You were suddenly aware That the autumn leaves were turning To the colour of her hair! Like a circle in a spiral Like a wheel within a wheel Never ending nor beginning An ever-spinning reel As the images unwind Like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind! HE SOBS I'm going to go.
Take me with you, please.
Please.
I don't think you should go out there.
I can still hear them milling about.
No, I think I'd like to risk it.
Thank you! Thank you! And welcome to tonight's show.
I'll be back in a minute.
I've just got to do a costume change.
That's like his third song and he thinks he's just started.
No, I'm sorry, I'm going to slip out.
Lock the door behind me.
Goodbye.
May God have mercy on your souls.
SHOUTING AND SMASHING That lucky bastard.
BIG BAND MUSIC OLD WEST MUSIC JAUNTY MUSIC CREEPY ORGAN MUSIC So, I suppose this hasn't done anything to change your opinion of music.
You know, I exaggerate that to some extent.
My dad was always trying to push me into things.
Music was one of them.
Show tunes.
He was always trying to get me to sing.
So II developed this sort of, "I hate music," thing.
It's not true.
Not really.
God, what was that song he was always trying to get me to do? One about Oh, from the Audrey Hepburn film.
What was it? Oh, I used to love it.
Er Oh, anyway.
Can you believe Katya's still asleep? You've got to envy that.
SHE GIGGLES I reckon there's nobody out there, you know.
Oh, my God! No, it's just very convenient that we were talking about the Olympics and then that happened.
I can hear them out there.
YOU can hear them.
It could be a recording.
It might all be faked, like the moon landings.
Oh, God, Eggy! Come on, you have to believe in some things otherwise you justyou go mad.
No, no.
You can't pull the wool over my eyes.
Last time anyone did that, I looked quite the fool.
Quite the fool.
And my wife, she You're married? I was, yes.
I thought we were happy.
But that wasn't true.
Evening classes, she said she was doing.
But that wasn't what she was doing.
It wasn't that at all.
No, no, no.
Not falling for that again.
Not falling for anything again.
And now it's the 1960s! Oh, this is a duet.
You could do this with me.
I'm not going to sing with you, Arthur.
Oh, go on.
Me and your dad used to do this one.
No.
Oh, well, suit yourself.
Ladies and gentlemen, close your eyes and imagine, if you will, a young Julie Andrews.
MEDLEY OF SHOW TUNE MUSIC Arthur.
La, da, da-da, da, da-da! Arthur, please.
Please! Arthur, I'm sorry.
I'm going to have to ask you to stop entertaining everyone.
But I've got to do my Shakespeare yet.
What? Yeah.
When I was going to finish my musical show, I was going to do my Shakespeare show.
No, I'm sorry, Arthur.
I think if you do Shakespeare someone might die.
We'rewe're very grateful though, you know, for for keeping our spirits up.
No, we're not! We're not grateful! You are Hey! Oh, bravo! Bravo! Thank you, Katya! More! More! Oh, I couldn't.
I couldn't.
Oh, go on then! No! You see? You see? They hated it! Just shut up! You made a terrible situation many times worse.
And that show you put on was the worst thing I've ever seen! Hey, listen, it's in my blood, is show business.
Well, then go and work in a box office somewhere.
Sell ice creams in the interval.
Just stay off the stage.
You don't belong there! You bring misery to everyone who sees you perform! Bulent! No, no, Sinem.
Let him speak his mind.
So, which bit didn't you like then? All of it! All of it! You have no talent.
None.
That's why his old man left you behind.
Because you have no talent! SHE GROANS Are you all right, Katya? My pills.
I have to take my pills.
Where are they? Out there, under my table, in the Iceland bag.
Oh, I'm sorry, Katya, but we might have to wait till all this is over.
They're for flatulence.
We're going to get you those pills, Katya.
Oh! Hold my hand! Hold my hand! Oh, God.
Where are you going? I'm going to get Katya's pills.
No, don't you go.
I'll go.
Don't let go! Oh! It's not a good idea, Arthur.
I'll go.
No, no, no.
You stay where you are, John.
It's been made perfectly clear to me that my presence here has been at best tolerated.
No No, no.
I know where I stand.
I've lived my life.
Now step aside, everybody, if you will, and allow me to retrieve Katya's flatulence tablets.
I may be some time.
Oh, well done(!) Oh, very brave(!) An old man.
You, you shouldn't have let him leave.
You shouldn't have said those things.
You could have defended him.
But you didn't.
Because you know I'm right.
You all do.
He can't sing, he can't dance, he can't do anything! And you're conning him when you kid him otherwise.
KATYA GROANS All right, all right, all right, Katya.
Let's just try and think of something else.
Just imagine we're not here, not in a store room.
We're in Poland.
We're in Krakow withum Lech Walesa.
No, no! Donald Sutherland.
I like Donald Sutherland.
OK, in Krakow with Donald Sutherland and you are eating golonka and watchingMASHthe film, not the food.
Oh! So sorry, Katya, I don't really know much about Poland.
I've been to Sweden.
Could you sing to me? I don't really I'm not I don't.
SINEM: Here he is! Look what I got.
A pair of pumps and a telly.
Hey, they've still got the labels on them as well.
Oh, hey, and feel in my pocket.
They're for you.
Did you get my pills? Oh, for crying out loud.
I knew there was something.
Here, hold that, you.
I'll be back in a minute now I've remembered.
No, Arthur, don't.
BOY: What's in here then? Oh, ho! Come in here, you.
Look at this.
One of the ringleaders, I'll bet.
What are you talking about? I'm not a ringleader of nothing, man.
I'll kill him! Now, now, Bulent.
Don't go jumping the gun.
We haven't asked him what his demands are yet.
What are your demands? I haven't got any demands.
Well, you're not much of a ringmaster then, are you? You smashed up my cafe, my business! I didn't smash nothing up.
I'll smash you.
Oh, yeah? How are you going to do that, bruv? You're all wrapped up.
Look, I just wanted a fizzy slush, yeah? I'll pay for it.
Look.
SINEM: You like those? No, my girlfriend loves them.
I think they're disgusting.
Aaargh! THEY SHOU Please, don't No Bulent Uhum Moon River, wider than a mile I'm crossing you in style someday Oh, dream-maker, you heart-breaker Wherever you're going I'm going your way TOGETHER: # Two drifters Off to see the world There's such a lot of world to see We're after the same rainbow's end Waiting round the bend My huckleberry friend Moon River and me! You people are mental.
Who are you? I'm Michael Baker.
Now that's how you say it! Why are you still in here, anyway? You know it's all over.
Oh, yeah, it was a very quiet when I was out there.
For God's sake.
Why didn't you tell us? We can all leave.
Come on, Katya, let's go.
Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing? Have you seen the state of the place, mate? How long have you been here? Just under an hour.
JOHN: Oh, look at this.
Hey, there really was a riot.
This story shall the good man teach his son And Crispin Crispian will ne'er go by From this day to the ending of the world But we in it shall be remember'd We few, we happy few We band of brothers For he today that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother Be he ne'er so vile This day shall gentle his condition And gentlemen in England now a-bed Will think themselves accursed they were not here And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
In the windmills of your mind! BULENT: Oh, look at this! Look at this! Hey! The fizzy slush machine's OK! KATYA: My pills!