Crash s01e04 Episode Script

Man: Previously on ''Crash'' l'm sorry, Ben, l-- Eggshell me, you motherfucker! Legends can come out of nowhere, just like my latest project.
l thought he was the driver, no disrespect.
No no no, he's not my driver.
That's my protégé.
Hey, easy on the brakes, Sebastian.
Cocksucker.
This ain't ''Driving Mr.
Blackie.
'' Detective Finet-- ring any bells? - Yeah.
- Someone shot him last night.
- Eddie: ls he dead? - You'd better hope not.
- Bebe.
- No, it's me, Ann.
Hi.
Who are you? l'm Sean Adams, the architect.
Peter: You want to talk about bathroom remodel, l'll humor you.
But l am not moving the goddamn kitchen.
lf my wife wants it, l'll make it happen.
Are you pulling us over after what you did? Step out of the vehicle, please, sir.
l'm just a cop doing my job.
Could you stop this? He's watching.
( crashes ) ( theme music playing ) ( both moaning, grunting ) You are terrific.
Wait wait wait.
Wait wait.
Yeah? Are you close? - Yeah.
No.
- Are you close? No.
Oh, God.
Come on.
Fuck me.
Wait wait wait.
( both moan ) ( exclaiming, panting ) ( banging ) ( yells ) All right, l shot my load.
- Enough with the banging.
- ( both chuckle ) Jesus.
l'd like to see them stay quiet during sex like that, right? Oh, fuck.
Oh my God.
l'm afraid to look down there.
l think my dick exploded.
( laughs ) Oh, shit, l gotta go.
- What's the rush? - Gustav.
Fuck Gustav.
He can wait.
He gets upset if he waits, okay? You think the kids heard us? l doubt it.
Yeah.
Bye.
Hi.
( sighs ) Hi.
The kids still up? No, they just passed out.
They were playing hard all day.
The garbage disposal's broken.
So buy a new one.
That's your solution to everything, right? - Hi.
- Hi.
- How was work today? - Oh, another shitty day.
That good, huh? That guy just has it in for me.
- Who, Ted? - Yeah, listen to this.
l dropped the kids off this morning, You know, see l'm ahead of schedule, so l take the bus up to Costco to get some things for the boys.
Such a responsible mother.
Well, as l am there, l get a call that l missed a kid-- a kid that was just added to the route.
Let me guess-- Ted's the one who added the kid to the route.
Who else? You know, he tells me that the told me yesterday, but he didn't say a damn word.
Oh, l am telling you, as soon as l find a better job, l am gone.
l thought you were fixing the disposal.
( disposal whirrs ) lt's called a reset button.
See, that's why l married you.
- Oh, that's why? - Mm-hmm.
Great ass.
( dials ) ( phone rings ) Hello.
l had to put my balls on ice.
Gustav's here.
l can't talk right now.
Oh? l have to see you.
l gotta go.
How's tomorrow? You have the wrong number.
You coming? - What? - You coming to bed? Yeah.
Yeah, l'm beat.
Oh, not too beat, l hope.
What are you doing? My wifely duties, the fun ones.
( giggles ) ls something wrong? No.
What could be wrong? l love you.
l love you too.
( dance music playing, women laughing ) Oh, yeah.
Oh, bubble up, Bubble up, bubble up.
Get every one of those little bubbles.
Yes yes yes yes.
( laughing ) Oh, yeah.
Oh! ( laughs ) Oh, yeah.
Whoa.
Boom! Oh, yeah.
Argh-hh! What was Smokey doing here? l rode in on the leopard, their chariot of panthers.
l brought them their music.
l brought them their ritual madness.
l brought them their wine.
l-- ( laughs ) l'm fucked up.
You've got every fucking color of the rainbow here, Ben.
Yeah, well, yeah, all right.
Justice, l'd like you to meet Panic.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Girls, girls, meet Panic, the guest of honor, and he's an up-and-coming star who's about to go to work with famed rapper and hip-hop mogul Jim Jones.
Are you for real? Hee-hee.
Yeah.
He just sent over the papers.
Here they are-- the contract.
He wants you to come in.
He wants you to lay down a track, man.
Whew.
Oh my God.
So what's all this? That's just standard legal jargon shit.
You'll find it in every contract.
You know, the one thing about becoming a star is signing things like this that don't mean anything, make no sense.
One time l signed this contract for seven years.
There is no contract in California for seven years.
You know, it's illegal.
lt's like fucking slavery is what it is.
Whoo.
Can l get a lawyer to look at it? You want to sign this or don't you? lf you don't want it just tear the fucking thing up, man.
Just throw it away.
Throw your fucking life away.
Fuck you, man.
Fuck you.
l never said l didn't want it.
Welcome to the party.
Ladies, girls, let's make a toast here, please, a toast.
Oh, yeah.
A toast to fame.
No, to the future! - The future, yeah.
- Sure sure.
The future, the future, the future.
( grunting ) Whoa.
( laughing ) Ben: All right, Doc.
What a fucking joke.
( distant hammering ) - lt's okay.
- Lou: Holy shit.
What did you guys do? Hey, you're gonna have to pay for that.
This kind of stuff happens.
They have completely fucked up this house.
l apologize.
l'll have somebody fix that up right away.
Dad, let me take care of this.
Russ l'm so glad that you're doing so much so quickly.
lt's changing everything.
But l just need you to put down some floor covering.
No problem.
l can do it right now.
- Thank you.
- You'd better call Peter, 'cause when he sees this he's gonna blow a gasket.
l'll call Sean.
- ( Ben laughs ) - You all right? - Don't touch me.
- Ben: Ooh.
You could cause permanent spinal damage.
Permanent, eh? You fucking faker.
Whoa, what are you doing? You're gonna kill him.
Don't pander to him.
He's fucking faking, man.
The man fell down the stairs.
You don't think that he's done this before? You always have to be the center of attention, don't you, Sebastian? You threw yourself down the stairs.
Oh, l'm having chest pains.
- We should call 911.
- ( Ben laughs ) Did anybody actually see him fall? Hey, wait a second.
This party's not over till l say it's over, ladies.
You wait here, honey.
Don't leave.
l'm paying.
- ( moaning loudly ) - ( door closes ) Mission accomplished.
You can stop your fucking groaning.
l think l'm hemorrhaging.
How can you tell? Tell me, how can you tell if you're bleeding internally? l'll call an ambulance.
( laughs ) Yeah yeah, go ahead.
Give the thespian an audience.
He's got nothing else to fucking live for.
Come on, Justice.
Sorry you have to see this stuff.
You're gonna be all right, bud.
lt's game time.
You might want to suit up.
( moaning loudly ) Kenny: lt's supposed to get even hotter tomorrow.
( police radio chatter ) l said it's supposed to get hotter tomorrow.
l'm not kidding, you know? Seriously, they're saying it's gonna hit that century mark again.
All right.
That's it.
Come on, we gotta talk about this.
What? What do you mean, what? You.
You've been a fucking mute for the past few days.
Look, you cleared your name.
Your boy Axel is alive and kicking, which, by the way, if at any point you want to thank me for my involvement, you go right ahead.
l thought you'd be happy.
l am.
Good for him and his wife.
He hasn't called.
Why should he? l'm gonna be fine.
l just don't want to talk about it, okay? We've got a hands-free violation.
- ( siren wailing ) - To be continued.
License and registration.
Did l do something wrong? Well, it appears you're not up to date with current events.
See, last time l checked the Beatles were still broken up, Red Sox finally won the World Series again, and California passed a hands-free law regarding cell phones.
Oh my God, l am-- l'm so sorry.
l was just talking to my husband about the baby.
That's even more reason you shouldn't be talking on the phone.
l just found out we're having a boy and so l wanted to call him and tell him.
That's great.
A boy, huh? ls that right? Let me tell you, they're great up until the age of nine.
After that you might want to consider putting him up for adoption.
Congratulations, though.
You look good.
Let me see that.
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Here's what l'm gonna do-- l'm gonna let you go.
Under two conditions, though-- first, l want you to purchase a hands-free device - for your phone, okay? - All right.
Second, l want you to seriously consider naming your boy Kenny after me-- with two ''n''s and a ''y,'' not ''i-e'' like some crazy California name.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Be safe, please.
Ma'am, can you please sign here? l thought you were gonna let me go.
He was, but l'm not.
The law's the law.
Bebe: l'm sorry about that.
Thank you.
Have a nice day.
Ma'am, l'm sorry about the confusion.
Thanks for nothing.
That's with two ''n''s and an ''f'' you.
She's gonna raise that kid to hate cops.
lf he grows up and shoots me it's your fault.
Would you mind? Thanks.
Easy.
Good.
Easy.
Agh.
Damn.
lt'll be good to have you home.
Yeah.
l gotta go to the precinct and fill out some paperwork first.
Will she be there? Hey, what did l tell you? l know, but you've said that before and it still went on.
You know, for 10 days l was lying on that hospital bed only two things were on my mind-- you and Nicky.
Ann, it's over.
l swear l'm yours and yours alone.
lt took something this big to make me realize things, but l did realize them.
l'm never gonna leave you.
l'm never gonna be with anyone else, never, on the soul of our son.
Come here.
Come here.
- Agh.
- ( both laugh ) Okay.
Slowly slowly.
There it is.
There it is.
There it is.
Shh.
Thank goodness you're here.
We have a man with permanent spinal cord damage, chest pains, and he's hemorrhaging.
And he's right over here.
You can start groaning now, Sebastian.
The paramedics are here.
What happened? He fell down the stairs.
- Allegedly.
- Let's check his vitals.
Styx, let's go.
- Styx.
- Yeah.
His vitals.
Open your eyes, please.
- Styx, are you a drummer? - No no.
lt's Styx with a ''y'' and and ''x,'' not like the band but like the ferryman to Hades.
Charon was the ferryman to Hades.
Styx was the river that he transported the souls across into the underworld.
( imitates buzzer ) The skeleton guy in the boat-- Yeah, that would be Styx.
( imitates buzzer ) yourself.
Read the classics.
Styx is a fucking river.
Barbarians.
- Eddie: feeling any pain? - Just some aches in my neck, a little tingling in my extremities, a little jaw pain.
Hurry and check his blood for bullshit, because it's reaching lethal proportions.
Stay still, please, sir.
Agh.
Wait, what are you doing? We have to secure your neck while transporting you.
Transport? Class of '75, second in my class, Hopkins University.
l don't need a hospital.
What a real man you've become in the last five seconds.
Oh, no more feet for me, Doctor.
Just cut off my foot because l am a real man.
Sir, are you waiving your right for hospital care? He's a faker.
You're enabling him.
l'm just doing my job.
You're not doing it very well if you can't see a florid case of Munchausen's Syndrome.
Would you mind stepping out of the room so we can do our job, sir? Come on, baby, let's go relax for a little bit.
Oh, baby, relax with you? Mmm! ( laughs ) - Eddie: Thank you.
- Ben: Oh, man.
Hello? l gotta see you today.
l can't.
lt's Gustav's day off.
So just tell him you gotta run an errand.
You know he doesn't buy that anymore.
Well, then make up something else.
Jesus.
Look, l really need to see you, okay? Let's meet tomorrow.
Yeah, l can't wait that long.
You can't wait for one day? Don't make me beg.
Please beg.
Jesus.
My dick is so goddamn hard, it could fuckin' cut diamonds.
Okay.
l'll see you at 3:00, the usual place.
All right.
( scattered applause ) Shit, you came back.
We gave away your locker.
Aw, yeah.
You should go to the firing range-- be a target.
All right, all right, you all had your fun.
Man: When are you coming back for good? Not for a few more weeks.
l need to fill out some paperwork.
How's physical therapy going? Painful.
Okay, l think we're all good.
lt was probably just a transient ischemic attack.
Thank you.
l've always depended on the strangeness of kind people.
Man, thanks for sticking around and looking after him.
Yeah, no problem.
Make sure he sees a doctor.
He could use some X-rays.
Yeah, no doubt.
l'll take care of it.
lt could be serious.
Someone really has to follow up.
Yo, l said l got it.
You got it.
Yeah, motherfucker, l said l got it, man.
What's your problem? l don't know, man.
You even know these people? Yeah, l know these people.
What, you think l'm just their boy or something? lt's like that, huh? You think l'm a pimp? l don't know, man, it's just-- lt's just what? What? You see a black dude with a naked bitch and right off l'm a pimp? Whatever.
l should knock you the fuck out.
Back the fuck off, dude, or you may be the one we have to take out of here.
Eddie, we gotta roll.
What? Take care of your friend, Huggy Bear.
Fuck you, man.
- Whatever, man.
- Just relax, all right? Where are you going? You're usually good for three rounds.
Well, between you and Gustav, this is the fifth time since yesterday.
Gustav banged you three times? He ravaged me.
Where does he find the energy? l mean, that guy's older than salt.
Albanians believe that if they keep their woman's stomach full, they won't look for bread elsewhere.
- Oh, is that right? - Yeah.
So he knows about us? No, but it doesn't take him much to suspect something.
l'm his fourth wife in eight years.
Four wives? With that face? What's wrong with his face? Sweetheart, 100 years ago people would pay admission to see a face like that.
l'm just saying.
Ha ha.
l don't want you sleeping with him anymore.
You're crazy.
- Am l? - Yeah.
Where are you going? Hey, no.
Hey hey hey, come here.
Hey hey hey.
Get back here.
Don't make me drag you in.
Come here.
Now listen to me.
You tell Gustav that he can't have this anymore.
What do l gotta do, plant a flag in it? Well, there's something you should understand.
This doesn't belong to you.
lt doesn't belong to Gustav.
This belongs to me.
You don't know how happy l get when l hear a vagina's been liberated.
( keys drop ) - l can smell him.
- What? Gustav-- l smell him on you.
You couldn't smell him before.
Yeah, well, l can smell him now.
- No, you can't.
- Trust me, it's a distinctive Eastern European B.
O.
Oh, really? Come on, Kenny.
No, l can't, l can't.
Ugh! So the remaining debris should go right down to the dumpster.
You shouldn't have any more problems.
Great.
Thank you.
lt's amazing how fast all this happened.
Oh, it's gonna be beautiful-- the late afternoon sun streaming in the window, bathing the whole room in a warm golden glow, as your dad has his back washed by his Caribbean nurse-- just beautiful.
That's disgusting.
Didn't mean to gross you out.
Ugh.
- Huh.
- What? That's supposed to be a revent on that drain.
Do you mind if l check the master bath? Not at all.
So is everything all right? lt's a little different.
l'll modify the drawings.
No charge, of course.
So do you have a lot of other jobs? A few.
None are as extensive as yours.
You've got my full attention.
You okay? Yeah, l think l got something in my eye.
Must be some dust.
- l'm fine.
- Let me see.
l don't see anything.
lt's fine.
l think l got it.
l'll have the guys do a damp wipedown at the end of the day.
lt'll help contain the dust.
That'd be great.
Okay, let's hear it.
''Oh my God, you're not dead? Who did l send flowers to? Thank God you're alive.
l felt bad missing your funeral.
'' Wow, tough crowd.
l'm sorry you didn't break me down with your late-night comedy routine.
l have a lot to do.
Must be important-- so important you can't even say hello.
Hey, look look, l know you're scared of losing me after what happened.
But that shouldn't change things.
lf anything, that should bring us closer together.
- Look-- - Come on.
( Bebe groans ) Do you remember the last thing you said to me that night, hmm? You said you had a lot to say.
Remember that? l never got to hear a single word.
Why don't you tell me now what you wanted to say then? Now is not the time.
Why not now? What's changed? A lot.
A lot's changed.
To the point you can't even talk to me? Two weeks haven't gone by yet.
You don't need two weeks for things to change drastically.
Let's go somewhere and talk.
l saw Ann.
Again about Ann.
What about us? She was by your side in the hospital much more than l was.
( throws papers down ) You know, l always wondered what she looked like.
l pictured somebody worn out, someone weary.
She was beautiful.
And that's when l realized that she was real, she was human.
And the truth hit me like a brick-- l'm not just in a relationship with a man.
l'm in a relationship with a man, his wife and his kid.
And l can't do that anymore.
( moans ) God.
Oh, God.
Oh God.
Oh my God! Oh, get the hell out of here! - Oh, God.
- Get out of here, Callie! What are you doing here? l'm here to see Dad.
Guess l should have knocked.
They saw you were pregnant, right? Could they miss it? Callie, l wish l knew you were stopping by.
l told Dad l was coming.
Didn't he tell you? Don't interrupt.
She's in the middle of a story.
So they still gave you a ticket? l mean, l was on the phone for maybe two seconds.
And the guy cop was creepy.
l'm pregnant and he still flirted with me.
Here, you do not need that bullshit.
Come on.
You're so ridiculous.
So what's for dinner? Fish? Lou: You know, Callie, this baby is the closest thing l'll have to a son.
l've always dreamt of taking my boy to a baseball game, eating hot dogs.
Let's only hope l live long enough to see that day.
What are you talking about? This nurse your sister hired.
What's wrong with her? She's from the islands.
God forbid something would happen to me-- l'm afraid she'd sacrifice a chicken instead of calling 911.
Dad, you know damn well lsodelle is good at her job.
( knocks on door ) Hi.
What are you doing here? Sorry to bother you, but l left some contracts in your kitchen.
Come on in.
Everybody, this is Sean Adams.
This is my sister Callie.
- Pleasure.
- Hi.
Of course you know Megan and my father.
Mr.
Loskey, Megan, good to see you.
Hi.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
l don't want to interrupt.
l just needed these.
- Oh, Jeez.
- Oh, you okay? Yeah.
l don't know about the pepper, though.
Why don't you stay for dinner? l mean, it's the least we can do with all the work you've been putting in.
You know, l don't think we have enough.
l didn't know Callie was stopping by and Peter will be home soon.
No worries.
l'll take a rain check.
- l feel awful.
- No, it's fine.
Visit with your sister.
Good seeing you again, sir.
See you later.
That's your architect? He's hot.
You're a lucky girl.
l can see why you're so excited-- about the renovations.
Whoa.
What the fuck, man? l have abused my cavernosa.
And even though it is a faithful soldier, it refuses to stand at attention.
Ben, man, you've gotta stop talking this crazy shit.
Just tell me what's up.
Ah, therein lies the rub.
Nothing's up.
l've got a goddess in my bed and yeah, l want you to go in there and close the deal for me.
Look, man, are you crazy? l am certifiably crazy, but l do have a goddess in my bed.
l'm not mounting some unsuspecting female, no.
Anthony, l would never do that to you or her.
l mean, she's not unsuspecting.
lf anything, she's anticipating.
She thinks you're the next Tupac.
Who told her that? l did.
Hey, man, fame is a very potent aphrodisiac.
Come on, man, what about Seal? l mean, if he wasn't famous, man, he couldn't get laid inside a women's prison with a fistful of pardons.
Yo, are you saying l'm ugly? No, man.
l'm just saying that even a hint of fame can make a statue spread its legs.
And l want you to go in there and l want you to close this show.
Come on, Panic.
She's in there waiting for you, man-- a goddess.
( shower running ) Damn.
For a second there l didn't think you were coming.
You don't have to be nervous with me.
Oh, please.
Then what are you waiting for? You know, l ain't really trying to do this.
Yeah.
l'm not your type? No, yeah, you, uh l didn't say that.
lt's-- Then what's the problem? l'm just not like that anymore.
Look, l did a lot of fucked-up shit when l was younger and l had my fun.
You know, l took this job to get away from all the shit in the hood.
Who knew that white people in the hills was also crazy as shit? You're kind of cool, Panic.
Anthony-- that's my real name.
Denise-- that's mine.
lt's nice to meet you, Denise.
So how about we get it on not as Panic and Justice, but as Anthony and Denise? Nah, you know, you remind me too much of my cousin.
Yeah.
Does your cousin give great head? 'Cause l am the best in town.
Okay, you know what? Nah.
l'm good.
l'm good.
l'm on the clock.
Bring in the Doctor for me.
You can't fuck the Doctor.
Ben already paid for the whole day.
l've got to get my work in.
Look, the Doctor-- All right, how about this? How about we just sit here for a little while? Then you slip out the back door.
Ben will never know.
lf we're gonna sit here for over an hour l'm sure as hell not gonna talk.
( unzips fly ) ( speaking Korean ) ( whispering ) ( sighs ) You should wait for me to come home before you pay respects to ( speaking Korean ) You're diabetic.
An infection can be very bad.
l noticed you're running out of insulin.
This should last you the rest of the month.
l'm not in medical school, not yet.
But they deserve more from their son for their sacrifice.
That's why l can't stop now, no matter who or what's in my way.
( sniffling ) Kenny: This is the address where l know he lives.
You didn't hear it from me.
l know he'll be there tonight.
Thanks for all your help.
l appreciate it.
Lieutenant, you look like a million bucks.
ls that before or after taxes? Hey, good looking out.
l heard you led a charge down to K-Town.
l was just doing my job.
Let me know if you need anything.
Battaglia, hold up.
Yeah.
There is actually something you can do for me.
Come here.
Do you know what's up with our girl? She won't even talk to me.
lt's none of my business.
Yeah, l guess not.
All right, look, cops come in two breeds, right? There's junkyard dogs and pets.
You and me-- we're junkyard dogs, got the pretty wife on our arm who cooks and cleans and takes great care of the kids, right? And we got the girl on the side.
Now she's the one you wine and dine so you can have your fun with.
Your problem is, Bebe ain't that kind of girl.
She's the kind of girl you marry, not the type you fool around with.
Yeah.
You're trying to make it both ways with the same type of woman.
So you make a choice-- divorce your wife or cut Bebe loose.
Just don't string her along.
She deserves better.
You both do.
So l'm fucked if l do and fucked if l don't.
Welcome to the junkyard.
Jesus.
What the hell are you doing? l know you won't let me in, so Look, l know what l've done to you.
l know the shit you had to deal with.
Mm-hmm.
l'm gonna ask Ann for a divorce.
Oh, please.
''Oh, please'' what? l'm dead serious.
You've sung this song before.
lt's getting old.
l've already called a lawyer.
Bebe, don't shut me out.
Not now.
l can't do this anymore, Axel.
lt's just too fucking painful.
l know l may be too late.
The simple truth is, if l can't be with you l don't want to be with anyone else.
Bebe: l love you.
That's what l wanted to tell you that night.
You said you had a lot to say then.
That's only three words.
lt's still a lot.
You know, you realize a lot of things when you're lying in a hospital bed.
And the only thing l kept on thinking about was you.
lt took something this big to make me realize things, but l did realize them.
l am never gonna leave you, never, on the soul of my child.
( laughing ) Agh.
Easy easy.
l'm sorry.
( police radio chatter ) - lnez: Gustav.
- Call my lawyer.
( phone vibrating ) Hey.
l need your help.
Gustav's being deported.
They're saying something's wrong with his Green Card.
Okay, all right, all right.
Just relax for a second.
Shit.
All right, l think l got a buddy who might be able to help.
l can't promise you anything yet, but l'll put in a call, okay? Yeah.
l mean, anything.
Kenny: Hey hey, don't worry.
All right? We'll figure something out.
Listen to me.
We're gonna be okay, all right? Okay.
Thank you.
l owe you.
Yeah.
Yes, you do.
SubRip & timing adjustment by Rapunzel