Crossing Swords (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Suspenseful music playing ♪
(SPOOKILY) Patrick!
(SNARLING)
Whoa! Ohh!
Stop fucking around, Broth!
(BROTH GROANS)
This is a murder investigation.
Never in a million years did I think
something this awful could happen
at a back alley fuck house.
King Merriman, this is the third lord
who's turned up dead,
all of the murder scenes
connected by this insignia.
Most lords are inbred goblins,
but Cornhill was a pretty good dude.
Really funny drunk.
I saw him headbutt a raccoon once.
Hmm. It looks like the arrow
went straight through Cornhill's mouth
and out the back of his head.
S‐Sir Wendell, what's this hole?
That's what we in this pleasure business
call a "glory hole."
Or, the "knock‐knock‐who's there?
Semen. Semen who?
See men stick their dicks
through this hole."
So, the killer could have hidden
behind this wall
and given him a mouthful
of something he wasn't expecting.
Death. (ALL GASP)
Sire, I believe we have a highly
dangerous assassin on our hands!
Assassin?
Dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
Assassin.
Dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
Assassin?
Dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
(PANTS UNZIP, DROP)
Assassin.
Dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
♪
MAN 1: We're all gonna die!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
MAN 2: I gotta get out of here!
Wow, this assassin's
got everyone on edge.
No, you fool, Princess Blossom is
coming home from boarding school.
Well, that's cool.
Yes, cool like a scorpion
up your pee‐hole.
Fool.
Yo, Tanya, I heard your dad died.
You suck his dick too hard?
(SNICKERS) Hey, Andre.
Your weird adult son still missing?
Hey, Blinkerqueef.
Fuck you!
Why doesn't my front gate code
work anymore? Huh?
And why is my room fucking freezing?
And I swear to God, if someone
touched my bong collection
Is that my sweet Blossom?
Welcome home, petal.
We got those dinosaur‐shaped
chicken nuggets you like.
I'm vegan now, ya dumb bitch.
Stop trying to make me fat!
QUEEN TULIP: Hmm.
Ugh, thank God I'm only here
for one night before Beast Feast.
About the music festival, pumpkin,
there's an assassin on the loose.
(STAMMERING)
It's too dangerous for you to go.
What? Are you kidding me?
Literally the only assassins I see
are right here.
You are assassinating my life, Dad.
Not only is it too risky,
you need to start taking
royal responsibilities seriously.
We're having you host Amateur Mime Night
at the children's hospital.
Maybe I could borrow
their invisible rope and hang myself.
I am going to Beast Feast. Okay?
I'm gonna be fine.
My ladies‐in‐waiting
are all the protection I need.
Fern tastes my food for poison.
Any meal could be my last.
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
Ivy protects the most important thing
of all: My image.
Mirror!
Flying in.
And last but certainly least,
weighing in at five million pounds,
Human Shield!
Her only job is to take one for the team
with her big, fat body, yes, girl!
(MUMBLING) We're actually the same size.
Go make out with your boyfriend,
who is a cake!
Blossom, your father and I
are putting our foot down on this.
I'm going to Beast Feast!
You are confined to your room
until Mime Night and that is final!
(SHRIEKING)
The Princess is not to leave her room
under any circumstances.
I'm so honored you're trusting me
with your daughter's safety.
Thank you for choosing me.
No, I chose you because you're the most
sexually non‐threatening squire.
Oh. But I swear to god,
you sweaty little virgin,
if anything happens to my baby,
there's a spike on the castle wall
with your name on it.
That is not a figure of speech.
You are in the "P" section,
between "Pascale" and "Pauline."
Why is it alphabetized by first name?
Sounds like something
a virgin would ask.
You have got this, Patrick.
Finally an assignment you can't screw up.
Oh shit! Where'd she go?
(CLANG) (SCREAMS)
How's the babysitting going, buddy?
Honestly, great.
I think I'm really racking up
some squire points.
(LAUGHS) Well, you better, because
the new squire rankings just came out.
PATRICK: This is so unfair.
Barry's made of stone,
how's he ahead of me?
Well, you did let the Queen get chummed,
and you killed Robin Hood
and gave gunpowder to a pirate
and blew up an endangered Kraken.
I get it, it's fair.
At least I can't screw up
my new assignment.
Yeah, it's pretty quiet in there.
Yeah, she screamed herself out
about half an hour ago.
BROTH:
Um, I think you should see this.
Eat shit, Mom and Dad. Huh!
(SHRIEKS) No!
WOMEN: (CHANTING) Beast Feast!
Beast Feast! Beast Feast! Beast Feast!
This is not gonna be good
for your ranking.
We're not telling anybody.
We're going to Beast Feast.
Hell, yeah!
Rock music plays ♪
This festival is enormous.
We're never going to find her
before they realize she's gone.
Don't sweat it, buddy.
I bought us some time.
No time to talk, Patrick.
Very busy.
(CLANGS)
I can't believe that this
is your first Beast Feast.
Let me give you the basics.
First, stay hydrated.
(GULPS)
Next, have a designated meet‐up spot.
That's our meet‐up spot.
Third, map out your day.
This year's headliner is Testa‐Kyll.
Their stage is like guillotines
and torture racks.
I heard they even have
a haunted iron maiden.
It's so dangerous that four roadies
have already died.
They didn't care because they're so metal.
And the lawsuits,
they were settled in arbitration!
(MIMICS ROCK GUITAR)
Sasha? Sasha?
Behold. A drunk festival girl
who lost her friends.
They're everywhere.
Seriously, Sasha? Where are you?
See? No meet‐up spot.
Oh, shit. The knights are here.
Do you think they're looking for us?
All right, men. Assignments.
Derrick: Wave pool.
Holler if you see anyone fuckable.
Timothee: Find the weed guy.
And I'll be at the foam party
because it ain't Beast Feast
if I'm not fuckin' soaked.
I can't hear them, but it looks serious.
We've gotta work fast, Broth.
Broth?
BROTH: Hoo‐hoo!
(GULPING)
(SIGHS) I need a new squire partner.
Dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
Hey, whoa. (LAUGHS)
Excuse me, sorry.
Got a cheeseburger
and a margarita ♪
Recently divorced from my señorita ♪
Got a fucked up liver ♪
And a dick that's curvy ♪
Now I'm 60 and single
and I'm riddled with scurvy ♪
Yeah! Love this guy!
It's the last call on Suicide Beach ♪
It's the last call
on Suicide Beach ♪
Everybody!
CROWD:
Last call on Suicide Beach ♪
It's the last call on Suicide Beach ♪
Princess. Can you get me into VIP?
Sorry. Max capacity.
Princess, will you endorse my herbal tea
that helps you lose weight
through explosive diarrhea?
It's called "Humpty DumpTea."
Yeah, send a business plan to my people.
Princess.
Can you get my uncle out of prison?
He was convicted once, but it got
overturned, and now he's back in prison
and it's unclear if he did it or not,
but they implicated his innocent nephew,
so can you un‐make these murderers?
I'll do my best.
I'll never do my best.
I mean, why do normies always want stuff?
Like, I'm the Princess.
I should be getting the stuff.
Ivy! Face, goddammit!
Human Shield, come stand
next to me so I look skinny.
Ugh.
Hey. 'Sup?
I'm Blossom.
As in, Princess Blossom. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, and this fudge guzzler
is Human Shield.
I'm Keefer. I'm in Testa‐Kyll.
I play theremin.
That's hot. You're hot.
Go French kiss a donut.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, kids, pickpocket as much
as you can and bring it back to me,
because I am your surrogate father,
unless you get caught,
in which case I never heard of you
and will not bail you out of jail.
Got it?
ORPHANS: Yes, sir, Daddy Ruben.
Do not call me that.
(ORPHANS LAUGHING)
Medieval dance music playing ♪
Princess?
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
How is this fun for you? Ow!
Aaaah!
Everybody over here say yeah!
CROWD: Yeah!
And everybody over here throw
your swords in the air, heyyy!
Wait, wait, this is a bad idea!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
(GROANS) Broth.
Did you find Blossom?
No. But I did find a lot of drugs.
We're running out of time.
My head's gonna be on a spike,
and you are
really burned.
That's weird.
I can't feel it.
You have got to get it together.
I need your help.
I already helped.
Mom? Dad?
What are you doing here?
We used to love Beast Feast
before you kids came along
and ruined everything good in the world.
We're camping for the whole festival.
We even rented our house out
to the most lovely group of gremlins.
(BURPS)
(DISH CLANGING)
(SPRINGS CREAKING)
(FEET SCREECH)
Are you here to see Blarney?
Blarney's performing?
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the Minotaur Stage
the musical stylings of Blarney.
Now this song
is about fathers and sons
growing up in a working‐class town,
just trying to weather the storm, man.
(CACOPHONY OF SOUNDS)
Uh‐oh. Oh, oh shit.
Oh, I got it.
Oh fuck.
Shit. Doesn't he sound great?
You know, Patrick,
you were conceived to this song.
(INSTRUMENTS CLATTER)
BLARNEY: All right,
I'm just gonna do it a cappella.
LADIES‐IN‐WAITING:
We wait all day, we drink all night,
ladies‐in‐waiting, fight‐fight‐fight!
(SLURPING)
Wooooo!
HUMAN SHIELD: Ski shot, bitches!
And I was like, "Children's hospital?
Why don't you suck my whole ass?"
Like, I'm going to Beast Feast.
It's so cool you work with kids.
You do so much for this kingdom.
Yeah, I do.
You're, like, the only person
who gets me, Keefer.
You're a complex woman, Blossom.
With complex emotions.
I've gotta go to sound check,
but afterwards, let's make dream journals.
(GROANING)
(SIGHS)
I think I just did my first cum.
Blossom!
Blossom!
Blossom!
Sasha? Sasha.
You're ruining my birthday.
Dramatic music plays ♪
Assassin!
Dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
Middle Eastern music playing ♪
Dammit. I lost them.
Get in on this groove, Patrick!
Broth. Did you see a guy
in a cloak with a gold pin?
(DISTORTED VOICE)
I think it could be the assassin.
I think the pin was
the same symbol as
(DOLPHIN LAUGHING)
Patrick, I can smell time!
(SIGHS) I don't know why I try with you.
(SNIFFS) Mmm, apple strudel.
Must be 7:30.
7:30? I gotta get the Princess
back to the castle.
Huh?
(LAUGHING)
Great, hand it over.
Two bucks and a crusty sock?
No wonder you're an orphan.
Your parents must've died
of embarrassment.
No gruel for any of you tonight.
Stop, please! Ohh!
I am your father!
Yoink. Dammit!
(ORPHAN LAUGHS)
(SNIFFS) Ah, Sandalwood.
Mmm. Pine forest.
(SNIFFS) Mmm. Fresh cut hay,
just like my family farm,
before Papa traded me
for a handful of magic beans
and I never saw my fam‐‐.
Mmm. Peppermint.
Why aren't you with the Princess?
You're supposed to be
her ladies‐in‐waiting.
What are you doing?
Waiting. Duh.
She's over at the bong kiosk.
Dramatic music plays ♪
(ASSASSIN SNIFFS)
Princess.
You're not supposed to be here.
Eww! A sweaty virgin guard boy.
Like, what are you, obsessed with me?
(SOFTLY) Stalker.
I'm doing my job.
There's an assassin on the loose
and we need to get you back to the castle.
Your life, and mine, depend on it.
So, what else is new?
This whole kingdom's full of haters,
and I need these bongs.
Hmm. You're about Keefer's size,
but not hot.
Try on all these shirts.
(BONGS CLATTER)
Keep up, pack mule.
I'm wearing 17 T‐shirts
and sweating a river
down my ass crack right now.
Could you at least
be a little nicer to me?
Nicer?
Being nice is a luxury I can't afford.
I'm the heir to the throne,
ya dumb bastard.
What does that have to do with it?
When you're royalty,
everyone wants something from you.
I'm not a bitch because it's fun.
I'm a bitch because it's necessary
and fun.
Oh, so being a bitch is like your armor.
(GASPS) Did you just call me
a bitch, bitch?
No, I was only repeating what you said.
You know, there's no road map
to being a princess.
(SIGHS)
No matter what I do, assholes are
always gonna fucking roast me.
There's no road map for me, either.
I have no idea what I'm doing.
(CATAPULT WHOOSHES)
Stop whining.
You know, if I fuck up,
they immortalize it in a play.
Yeah. And then that play tours.
And then your high school
drama club does it,
and then they don't even give you
the part of you.
I mean, how do you think it feels to be in
the ensemble in a play called Blossom?
Ouch. That sucks.
Don't say my play sucks.
Lightweights.
Is it your first Beast Feast, losers?
Uggh! (GASPS) Assassin!
Dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
PATRICK: Princess, wait up.
We need to leave right now!
It smells like shit in here.
We went candle shopping.
(PANTING) Ohhh!
(MUFFLED VOICE) We gotta go!
Yeah, to Keefer's concert.
Okay, c'mon, ladies, make me look
even more beautiful than I already am.
Yas, yas!
PATRICK: You don't understand.
The assassin is
dramatic music plays ♪
SPOOKY CHORUS: Assassin!
Here.
I mean, we haven't officially
said we're boyfriend‐girlfriend,
but I feel good about it,
I do, I do.
(IVY AND FERN TITTERING)
I heard that eye roll, fat‐ass.
PATRICK: Uhh!
You want the Princess?
You gotta go through me, motherfucker.
(PATRICK STRAINING)
I mean, we're totally gonna do it.
Like, we're gonna grab
each other's butts so hard
that like Jesus makes a baby pop out.
Oh! That's so hot.
I am so jealous.
Do you even know how sex works?
Hyaah! (GLASS SHATTERS)
Hyaah!
I hope you like sandalwood, bitch.
Hyaah!
Oh, shit.
(BLOWS)
Oh no, that's worse. Oh, God.
What the fuck?
What happened to my fucking bongs?
PATRICK: The assassin‐‐
(MOCKING) "The assassin."
Take some responsibility for once
in your life, Patrick.
Aaah!
Blossom! Blossom!
Sasha? Sasha!
Mackenzie.
Oh my god, I'm right here!
I thought you died!
Like, really.
I had to take a massive coke‐shit.
Ooh, ashes, ashes ♪
We all fall down ♪
Now, I'd like to bring someone special
out on stage for a duet.
Oh, no.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're
about to witness the birth of a star.
My new slam piece, Princess Blossom.
(APPLAUSE)
BOTH: Mwah!
We wrote this song backstage.
While we were doing
over‐the‐clothes hand stuff.
We might've made a baby,
but we can't find it anywhere!
Yeah!
Hardcore jam playing ♪
Every thorn has its prick ♪
Every flower has its blossom ♪
Keefer, I love your dick ♪
And your vagina is pretty awesome ♪
If you ever kiss another girl ♪
I'll pull a murder‐sooey ♪
If you ever kiss another guy ♪
I'll kill you first, then do meeeee ♪
BOTH: Covered in your blood ♪
I'm gonna be covered
in your blood, yeah ♪
Covered in your blood ♪
Oh, baby ♪
I'm gonna be covered in your blood ♪
Just cover me with your blood ♪
PRINCESS BLOSSOM:
(OFF‐KEY) Yeah, baby ♪
I'm covered in your blood ♪
Gonna be covered in your blood ♪
Boo! More like a star is stillborn!
Sasha!
She's ruining my birthday.
PRINCESS BLOSSOM:
(OFF‐KEY) I'm covered in your blood ♪
Oh, God. I know, right?
She sounds like if dog shit
got smeared onto the sheet music.
covered in your blood, yeah, yeah ♪
Blooood! Blooood! ♪
Yeah‐yeah, oh, yeah‐yeah‐yeah
oh, yeah‐yeah! ♪
Yeah‐yeah‐yeah‐yeah‐yeah ♪
Princess, get down!
(ASSASSIN SHOOTS ARROW)
(SLOW‐MOTION LAUGHTER)
Ohhhhh, shiiiiiiit.
I'm freeeeee!
Noooooo!
(THWACK!) Uggh!
(CROWD GASPS)
(SCREAMS)
Am I dead?
Oh yeah, oh, yeah.
Let's make a better baby.
(DOREEN GASPING)
I wish I was dead.
Suspenseful music playing ♪
Patrick, you saved me.
Oh, I I did, huh?
I mean, it's almost like I saved myself
because the shirts I made you wear
stopped the arrow.
But still, you did your job.
Unlike Human Shield!
I tripped?
Keef, baby, where are you?!
Here, baby. Not a scratch.
(ROPE UNRAVELING)
Keefer, look out!
Uggh! (CRASH!)
(CROWD GASPS)
Whoo! I'm okay.
(RATTLING, CLANGS SHUT)
(KEEFER SCREAMS)
(CROWD MURMURING)
Keefer!
Keef? Buddy?
PRINCESS BLOSSOM: No!
What the fuck?! (SOBBING)
(MUMBLING) Covered ♪
In your blood ♪
Am I still high,
or did you just kill someone?
But I didn't It's not my fault!
Well, that'll mean the world
to his parents.
(SOBBING) I'll never love again!
I'm going to Romeo and Juliet myself!
Nobody better stop me!
Sad music playing ♪
(PRINCESS BLOSSOM WEEPING)
(MUSIC AND WEEPING STOP)
I mean it!
I'm gonna join Keefer in heaven!
I'll do it later. I dunno.
Um, Princess
I know this is a bad time,
but Mime Night starts in 15 minutes.
French music playing ♪
(WHISPERING) I'll never forgive you.
I'm sorry.
Take your sorry, fold in it half,
and blow it out your ass!
What are we whispering about?
Nothing, Dad! Butt out!
Ten bucks that kid on the right doesn't
make it to the end of the show.
(BODY COLLAPSES)
You owe me ten bucks.
No, wait, never mind.
He was miming.
PRINCESS BLOSSOM:
Dear diary, today I met my soulmate
and I performed with him at Beast Feast.
I crushed it.
And then he died. Sad face.
But then I went to Mime Night.
I'm such a good person.
P.S., I hate Human Shield.
Your friend, Blossom.
KEEFER: 'Sup, babe? (GASPS)
Keefer?
Eerie music playing ♪
(SHRIEKS)
♪
CHILD: That was amazing!
(GAME BEEPS)
(CANNED APPLAUSE)