Cucumber (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

1 - For Christ's sake, go home.
- Oh, don't you start! There's this bloke at work.
Here's my number, better strap that whopper down, mate.
- What are you looking for, then? - Someone like you.
He scores! All my life I've been scared of the man.
- Does this mean you're a virgin? - I'm really not talking about it, OK? Freddie.
Nice to meet you at last.
- Sorry.
- That's OK.
We're all mad.
You're meeting him eight o'clock, Saturday night, I used your photo.
Got you a date.
'I've got a date.
' - Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Can you breathe? - Yeah, I'm fine.
- Clive! - Sorry! I'm not even Scottish, it was this stupid website thing, this kilt fetish.
I'm Rupert.
My real name's Rupert, hello! Right.
Rupert.
Nice name.
Sorry.
I'm babbling.
I just get so excited! Cos all that stuff you told me, online.
I have to say, Henry, I love a man who knows exactly what he is.
And what is that again? Power bottom.
Cheers! So, if I phone Transport, the request has to go through Steven.
They've doubled his workload.
Although, technically, Steven asked for the requests.
That's not how he sees it.
So it was Sanjay's idea, to ask you out.
- He dared me.
- Yeah, you know we had a thing? Me and Sanjay.
- Last year.
Just for a couple of weeks.
- Yeah, he told me.
- And that's OK? - It's cool.
It's not like too cool? Cos, like Some girls, a couple of times, the fact that I go with boys It's, er - It's like a trophy.
- Hold on.
Pulling you is like winning a trophy? Fuck off.
And that's Alannah.
That's her.
Alannah.
Wow.
God knows what she sees in me.
We've been together for six months.
She's absolutely gorgeous.
Does she know about tonight? No, do you think I should? Oh, my God, no.
No way! Do you know what the maddest thing of all is? The Rescuers.
Someone at Disney went mad that day, they said, "Let's do a film about a mouse.
" 'It's like edging.
' This Henry of yours is edging.
You've seen the edging websites? And that's my secret.
It's called oil-pulling.
Every morning, I take a mouthful of sunflower oil, and I keep it in my mouth for 20 minutes.
Cos he moves in with this boy, who he's never going to have, and maybe that's the whole point.
He can edge instead.
And this mouse is like Zsa Zsa Gabor.
In a big hat.
No swallowing, just 20 minutes in my mouth.
And the oil draws out all the toxins.
I'll tell you what the worst thing of all is.
- Secateurs.
- Oh, my God.
I haven't had a cold for three years.
And what does this mouse do? Well, she rescues people.
And that's it! That's all it is! - That's a very deep cut.
- Ouch.
How mad is that? Whole thing is a great big edge.
Never cut yourself with secateurs.
- Right, there's a bit of a step.
- Where? - There? - That's it, yep, careful now You're wasting petrol.
So zis appartement of yours, is it close by? Je me demande.
It's not far.
15 minutes walk.
I hope you have a good relationship with your neighbeurs.
Why's that? Because I am going to ride ze ass of Henri, mon ami, until you whimper and squeal like ze pig.
You will not have a confortable shit for ze whole of next week, monsieur.
Well Bon.
To the man who got us here Daniel.
I've been swimming with him.
- I've been in the changing rooms.
- Seriously? He is packing it.
To be blunt, I'd let that man fuck me senseless.
As hard as he fucking wants.
Do you want another? We could go back to mine.
Great.
Good.
You can be Daniel.
Come on! It's simple enough! I just want to know, what's the difference - between men and women? - Don't do this.
- I'm just asking! - No, no, no, don't I mean, like now, sitting here, on a date, with a man, with a woman, what's the difference? All right.
The one, obvious thing? If If I was on a date with a man, right now I'd be absolutely, 100%, cast-iron guaranteed to have sex.
No.
Can't see any difference.
OK.
There you go, thank you very much.
- Hope you had a good time.
- Yeah, it was great, thanks.
Food was lovely.
- Now it gets complicated.
- OK.
Well, - good luck, I suppose! - Thanks.
We don't have to.
We can just say goodnight.
If you want.
I don't know.
- I'm terrified.
- Oh, my God, really? - Just a bit.
- Look, you can go home, I don't mind.
I mean, we've been friends for so many years now.
We can just write this off as one mad night.
No.
No, let's keep going.
Really.
It was my idea in the first place, so let's just do it.
Jesus Christ.
The romance is killing me! The hotel, then? Yeah.
I'm so going to fuck you.
Now.
Cliff's got a theory That's my solicitor, Cliff.
He says they've got to keep the electricity on, or they'd lose their rights in arbitration Oh man, I can't wait any more! I'm sorry, I'm dying for this.
Aren't we all? You're in charge.
You tell me what you want.
Mr Power Bottom! Well.
Where to start? It's good to have guidelines, don't you think? Cos some of those positions can go spectacularly wrong! Don't want to break anything now, do we? - That would be terrible.
- And look.
We don't have to do anything fancy.
All I want is a nice, hot fuck.
With a nice, hot man.
That's you, by the way! Ta-daaa! Rupert the Bare! That is healthy.
All yours.
- Lovely.
- So, where do we start? Yes, it's funny, cos straight people think the top's got all the power, don't they? But it's the opposite, isn't it? Cos the bottom controls the fuck, doesn't he? - You've got it! - Good.
Because I have decided.
I only give this arse to someone who deserves it.
And I'm not sure about you, yet.
Really? Oh, my G Um is there something I didn't do, or ? Let's find out.
Sit down.
Tell me all about yourself.
So, then, when we do fuck it'll be so much more intimate, yeah? We'll have real penetration.
Of the mind.
Wow, yeah.
So, come on, drink.
There we go.
So.
Rupert.
Start with your childhood.
There's just one thing.
You OK? Yeah.
I should've said.
I don't want to do anal.
If that's OK.
OK.
What? - That's cos I go with men, yeah? - No.
It's because I go with men.
Isn't it? You think that means I fuck everything up the arse.
No.
It's because every man I ever meet wants to fuck me up the arse, these days.
They expect it! This isn't about you, Freddie, I just think I think men like fucking women from behind so they don't have to look at our faces.
Seriously? I do.
I really do, it happens more and more.
They'd rather fuck me looking at the back of my head.
OK.
Sorry.
I blame Michael Bay.
How does that work? He casts all those women with flat faces.
Their faces are literally flat.
Like they've been pressed into a wall, from behind.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah.
It's like they're designed from the back.
His camera just goes round their arse, so they can be fucked from behind with no eye contact.
Face against the wall.
And then what happens is, all those boys see those movies, every single boy, right across the world, then they all go out, every Saturday night, and they all think they can get the same thing.
The flat-face fuck.
That's not me.
- No.
- I mean it.
That's not me.
Is that OK? - Of course it is.
- Are you sure? Look, whatever you'd do at this stage, just do it.
You'd put your hand down there, yeah? - Yeah.
- OK.
- There.
- Thank you.
Is that all right? Fine.
There's no need to pat me.
I'm not.
You're patting me.
You're actually patting my vagina.
I'm stroking.
You're not feeding the pony.
I'm being careful.
You don't need to be careful.
I said so, didn't I? You're not the first hand to go down there, I've checked it out myself, it works, it more than works.
I've got a Viagra.
Oh, that's nice! No, it's not personal, don't be like that.
It's just this is slightly unnatural, it might help.
OK.
Go on.
It's in my washbag.
Sorry.
We can keep going.
Never mind.
I shouldn't have asked you in the first place.
Let's just have a cuppa.
But I've taken it now.
Right.
Got it.
Come on.
Hard as you like.
No.
Seriously.
It's been ages.
Fucking hammer me.
No, I mean, no.
Sorry but I really mean no.
What is it? Shit.
I'm sorry.
Shit! Nine years with Henry and not a single fuck.
Not even once?! We had sex.
We did all sorts of things but he wouldn't fuck, and he wouldn't be fucked.
And, yeah, I put up with it.
That's a bit mad.
OK, yeah, I know it's mad, sorry.
I dunno.
I've this friend called Max, he won't let anyone touch his dick.
- Not ever.
- So, what does he do? Well, apparently it's the best sex ever.
You lie there, he does all the work.
I'm really sorry.
But you fuck? I have done.
I mean, I can.
Then fuck me.
You fuck me.
I seriously can't.
It just doesn't work.
Literally.
I lose it.
I promise you, I've tried it a million times, I just go soft.
Two bottoms, no top.
Couldn't you, though? - Just tonight? - Look, you're really nice and this was great.
I don't think it's the big romance though, do you? - Not really.
- I could still fuck you, but I've waited for nine years.
That's nine years of waiting for the sex that I want and I can't fake it for one more night.
Honestly, I can't.
Christ I want to get fucked.
We're going to fuck you, you little whore.
I'm going to choke you with my big fat dick.
Then I'm going to take hold of your tiny, little dick - and I'm going to - Shamrock! - What?! - Shamrock! No way.
No, no, don't.
- Don't.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Fuck! You could've warned me.
He did say "shamrock".
What's the point of a safe word if you don't use it in time? That's how people die, that is.
It's your fault.
You're too hot, both of you.
Fucking hell.
- Are you OK? - Yeah.
Great.
Sorry about that.
Thanks, though, it was brilliant.
How long till you can do it again? Half an hour? OK.
I've taped EastEnders.
You've recorded it.
There's no tape any more.
I've recorded it, then.
Might be more like an hour.
I've kind of lost the urge a bit, now, to be honest.
I've got all that paperwork tomorrow.
So, - how do I get home? - No, you might as well stay the night now, I can drive you back in the morning, no worries.
I fancy some toast.
What do you think? Who wants toast? And he looked up, great big smile, and he says, "No, I'm full, but thanks for the smoky bacon crisps!" I love my job.
I do, I love it.
That Bus Priority Package is going to revolutionise Manchester.
Revolutionise it! But people don't listen! Even my own mother You keep coming back to your mum.
She was a spiteful woman.
All you wanted was a good shafting and here I am, going on about my mother.
That's OK.
Oh, God, you're the most powerful bottom I ever met.
You've, like reduced me.
You've made me this fucking mess.
You are amazing! C'est moi.
And I think you need to get something to eat.
Oh, can't we just fuck? No offence, but you're crying over your mother it's not the hottest thing in the world.
You're a little bit too drunk.
I think you need some food to mop it up.
What have you got? Nah we're in the middle of town, let's go and get a burger.
But I'm exhausted.
Well, it'll waken you up! Come on! Follow the bottom! Did he like it? Sanjay? What?! Being fucked? Oh, now you like it! Tell me.
What did you do to him? I fucked his tight little arse.
Tell me! I went inside him.
Deep.
Hard.
Tight.
Right up inside his guts.
Oh, Sanjay.
Fuck.
You hot little fuck.
I was his first.
Able Road, thanks, mate, M20.
You bastard.
You complete and utter bastard.
I've just had the worst night of my life, and it's all your fault.
'Why, what happened?' 'Did he have AIDS?' 'Oh, fuck off.
' What was it, what went wrong? 'I'm not telling you.
' - I think you get off on this stuff.
- 'Are you at home?' I'm in a cab.
Well, I am halfway through a bottle of whisky.
Come on round.
'It's Saturday night, for fuck's sake, let's do it.
'I'm flat 6, Whitwell Court, it's on Stretford Road.
' Change of plan, mate.
I'm going to Whitwell Court, Stretford Road.
Don't let anyone tell you that midwives are lovely.
She saved Adam's life.
She did, she saved him.
And she cut me open from my vagina to my anus.
Jesus! - She was saving his life.
- I know, but The whole thing was so angry.
That's what I'll never understand.
She stitched me back up like she was punching me.
I'd no idea it was that bad.
Well 15 years ago, now.
And then there's this silence.
For years.
Everyone just shrugs it off.
They all say, "Oh, it's never quite the same, once you've given birth, down there.
" I'd see doctors and nurses and they'd all say, "Oh, it's never quite the same.
" Women.
Every single woman I know, they all said, "Oh, it's never quite the same.
" Every single one of them.
But then you had Molly.
Oh, I was working.
It was all functional.
Even then, with Molly, they laid me back and had a look and the doctor said, "Oh, what happened to you?" And I explained.
And they all said, "Oh, it's never quite the same.
" Like that's OK.
Like all that damage is natural.
Like it's worth it.
Exactly.
That's the price you pay, for having kids, that's the deal.
And then it reached the point three years ago, where I couldn't stand up without needing to piss.
I mean, I didn't know, but it turns out everything was collapsing.
And then, I saw this doctor.
By chance, this locum, out of the blue.
And she was young.
Thank God, she was young.
And she said "What the hell have they done to you?!" She literally said, "Oh, my God!" She looked between my legs and said, "Oh, my God!" Good for her, though.
Oh, absolutely! She had me rebuilt.
She sent me to this consultant, he said, "Mrs Whitaker, I can give you the vagina of a 17-year-old.
" Cue many jokes.
Um And it worked! After all these years, I'm brand-new.
And then I let you down.
No.
No, you didn't.
Well.
We didn't complete it, did we? - The road test.
- Oh, Brian, stop it.
No, that's not your fault.
No.
I just thought I'd wait for the right man to come along.
And then I kept waiting.
It's funny.
My brother's got all these hang-ups about his body, and I thought, "I'm no better than him!" So I looked back 26 years and I chose that man with the really good kiss.
Oh, here we go, it must be getting late, if you've started saying all nice things.
You can bugger off now, go on! Go home.
How's that Viagra? They've got a porn channel.
I'll leave you to it.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I love you.
I love you, too.
So I'm the fucking enemy, back home.
The divorce is all my fault.
I mean, I played around, I'm not denying that, but only because she was asleep every fucking night.
We had sex like, every three months.
I put an X on the calendar at work.
An X for every night we had sex.
Four Xs in one year.
So, you played around.
Like what? Nothing special.
Girls at work.
- Girls? Plural? - Yeah.
You dirty dog.
There was this one girl.
Work experience.
Started on a Monday morning.
By ten past two in the afternoon, she was sucking me off.
- No way?! - Ten past two.
Locked the door.
On her knees, fingering herself.
18 years old, how was I going to say no? Did you put it on the calendar? Big fucking smiley face, mate.
End of the month, 31 smiley faces.
"Did you put it on the calendar"? We should go to bed.
Yeah.
Oh, I am raw.
I'm fucking done in.
- Time I went home.
- No, stay the night.
I'll get a taxi.
No, it's Saturday night, it'll take hours and I'm not waiting up.
- Stay! - I'll try Stretford Cars.
Stay the fucking night! Come on, then.
There you go.
- But that's your bed, yeah? - So? - I'll go home.
- Fuck's sake.
It's a one-bedroom flat, what else are we going to do? Don't be such a girl and get in.
Right That is me sorted.
Don't fucking snore, I'm up at seven.
- But I'll sleep on the floor.
- Oh, shut up! Look, you should have the bed.
- I can go and sleep on the settee.
- What for? - Cos it's easier.
- What does it matter? Look I'll just go home.
Christ, you don't half witter.
Now, get to bed, you poof! And don't stare.
All right? I'm the nasty one, am I? I'm the nasty one?! Then what does that make you, Clive? Sweetheart! Don't! You said he was hot, didn't you? Well, didn't you? You said it first! Don't do this.
Don't you dare Oh! Mon brave! Bonsoir.
Bonsoir.
- Are you all right? - Ça va? Oui, ça va bien, merci, you dickhead.
Zis is mon ami Henri.
- All right, Henry? - Très bien.
You've picked up the lingo.
How did you end up with this nutter? I just got lucky.
I'm Leigh.
That's Charlie.
That's Essex, Maypole, Dickie, Bob.
I don't know who he is.
- Nice to meet you.
- You owe me, Rupert, you're buying! I will honour ze Charlie boy wiz the pommes frites! Et un burger! Do you want anything? - No, I'm fine, thanks.
- OK.
I've got a little something.
I kept a little something back.
Just for you! Lookin' fabulous! Henri, zey have changed their minds, zey desire ze Chinese instead, do you want to come, mon ami? No, I'm fine.
- Vous êtes sûr? - Absolument.
Thanks, yeah? See you around.
Hey, hey, mes amis, mes amis, wait for me! He say, "All for one and one for all.
" What kind of musketeer bullshit is zis? I don't like Chinese.
Do you mind, can I sit with you? Oh, I was just going to go.
Oh, don't leave me on my own.
I'm only having chips.
- You sure you don't want anything? - No.
Honestly.
OK, er, I'll have a coffee.
Black.
Coffee it is.
Look after that.
Only me.
Party was shit.
- Who's your friend? - Tomasz.
OK.
- Night, then.
- Mm You bastard! You fucking bastard! Are you happy now? Are you? You've fucking ruined my relationship.
You fucking bastard! I copped off with this bloke, once.
And he pissed in the bed.
I I don't mean he wet himself.
I mean he stood up and had a proper piss.
Then got back down and went to sleep.
Lying there! Oh, my God! And I still fancied him.
I had this one bloke he ran away.
He actually ran.
I got him back to mine, I went for a piss, I heard the front door go, I looked outside and I saw him running down the street.
- Did he take anything? - No.
That was the point.
I ran back down, thinking, "Oh, my wallet! It's gone!" No, it was still there.
It would have been better if he'd nicked it.
He was just running away from me! That's brilliant.
Actually running.
I thought I'd finished with all this.
Battling through shit, just to end up with crabs and chlamydia.
Hey, now, don't turn me on with your sexy talk.
How old are you? 40.
What about you? Are you too young? Cos back in the '80s, if I had a one-night stand and then, a couple of days later, I'd get a bruise on my leg or something No, and me, that was the '90s, too.
- You'd think you were going to die? - Oh, yeah.
That was terrifying.
Walking around for days, thinking "I'm dead.
" As if sex isn't scary enough.
We grew up with that.
Those fucking icebergs.
Still some of those nights can be good.
OK Sorry.
That was kind of cheesy, yeah? You shouldn't bother with me.
Really.
Seriously.
Fuck off.
I've told those stories for years.
The man who pissed the bed.
The man who nicked my computer.
The Canadian.
And the punchline was men are mad.
That's what I'd say, men are mad.
But it wasn't them, it was me.
I was the mad one.
- It's like tonight, with Rupert.
- Well, Rupert is mad.
I know, but Oh he's nice, isn't he? Oh, I think he's hot, yeah.
He was lovely.
All that daft French and everything.
I really liked him.
So I got rid of him.
W what do you mean? I spend all this time wanting sex.
All the time.
Every day.
And then I push it away.
I'm there, with Rupert and I'm horny.
And at exactly the same time, I'm working out all these strategies to get away from him.
To escape the sex.
I swear, I can be so happy not having sex.
Why's that? I suppose all those men, it's like I created the circumstances to get rid of them.
Even while I was horny as fuck.
Y you didn't make a man piss! Huh, no.
But still I chose him.
I found a man drunk enough to piss.
You said you had that boyfriend.
And I got rid of him, too.
Took a long while, but then push.
I still don't get it.
Why do you push them away? I don't know.
They scare me a bit, men.
Really? Yeah.
Hmm.
I think I kinda know what you mean, a little bit, with the sex.
Cos sometimes there is that pressure, the pressure to have sex.
And you know why, don't you? It's because there's too much porn, these days.
Oh, tell me about it! It wears me out.
All those men, and they're so hard - all the time.
- Exactly! And they're so good at it! The trouble is it makes me think that sex is for sexy people and the rest of us can just - give up.
- Hmm.
And now it's worse, cos it's free! I know! Yeah And where did all that Japanese porn come from?! Well - Japan! - Yeah! They must have changed a law or something.
But every time a Japanese video pops up, I think, "I don't fancy him.
" But then I think, "Is that racist?" Porn is making me feel racist.
I feel pressured into wanking over Japanese footballers just to prove I'm a nice man! I know, I know! Oh, I can't cope.
I never could! And it's all so technical, these days, it's all top, bottom, vers, top can flip, bottom can turn.
Jesus! I mean, a nice fuck is all well and good, but now it's like we're fracking each other.
There's hydraulics involved.
And you know why, don't you? Because it's all about the arse! - Whatever happened to the front? - I like the front! Oh, I love the front! But everyone thinks gay men just fuck, fuck, fuck! I actually think it's a form of prejudice.
That we must fuck, and be seen to fuck, or we're not gay enough.
And sometimes I just want to have fun.
I just want to be with someone and do ordinary things, not bloody athletics.
I just want to be happy.
I know exactly what you mean.
OK? Yeah.
Ha Thank you.
There you are.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you, Henry.
You too - Leigh.
- Oh, aw! It's Leigh, L-E-I-G-H, not L-double-E.
Just so you know.
People always get that wrong.
What time is it? It's four o'clock! Your turn.
Hey, I'm knackered, don't take long.
Oh, this is amazing.
Oh, my God.
How can you afford this? It's all a total scam.
Town Hall Mafia sort of thing.
We could all be arrested, any minute.
This is an old man who lives here and won't leave.
Otherwise known as Henry.
- Hi, I'm Anna.
- Nice to meet you.
It went well, last night.
I didn't ask.
Freddie's too nice to say, but he set me up on a date last night.
Oh, sorry.
Hi.
Er, I'll just be bathroom, OK? Two minutes.
Sure, that's fine.
That's not the man from the photo.
No.
I dumped him, picked up someone else at 2am.
- Pchoo! - Oh, you boys.
How was last night? Good.
It was good, last night, wasn't it? We could, um give it a go.
What do you think? Yeah.
I'd like that.
Great.
And you never even replied! Not once! You didn't even text! How many times a day do you text me? - Every fucking hour! - Because you never reply! Oh, this is the difference! You want to know the difference?! This is it! - How do you take your coffee? - Just milk.
Thanks, then.
See you in work.
Yeah, that was a good night.
That was a laugh.
See you.
Hiya.
Aw, you look nice, I was just going to phone.
Good time? Not bad.
How about you? It was absolutely lovely, thank you very much.
- Come here! - Argh! Put me down! We could go to the cinema.
I like the cinema on Sundays.
If that's all right? Yeah.
Fine.
I don't want to get too heavy.
No.
Sounds good to me.
Kids! Come and say hello to your uncle's new boyfriend.
Oh, my God, not a new boyfriend?! - Hello, new boyfriend! - Henry has got a new boyfriend! Or we could just stay here.
I don't mind.
I'm worn out.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
Oh! They've started.
Sorry.
That's what comes of living with kids.
It's all right.
I'm used to it.
You should hear my neighbours.
Fucking Muslims.