Curb Your Enthusiasm s01e04 Episode Script

All right, come on, Vinny.
Good.
Good catch.
Get out of bounds! What did Get out of Oh, my God, why didn't he get out of bounds? What a moron! It's only two yards that you're gonna get.
So what? You don't need two yards.
You got two and a half minutes to go, you got to get out of bounds.
I hate watching them.
They just aggravate me so much.
All right.
Yes! Go! Beautiful, first down, excellent.
That's the call! - Hi, honey! - Hi.
Cheryl's home.
No, she went to visit her mother in Tallahassee for four days.
Okay, I'll see you later.
- Hi.
Welcome home.
- Thank you.
Good to be home.
Good to see you.
How've you been? What's been going on? - Nothing.
- Yeah? You got a little What? You got a little scruff going.
It's cute.
The prostitutes don't mind it.
No? Good.
- They give you a discount? - They do, they get off on it.
- My God, I'm so tired.
- Really? There was a three-hour difference You should go up and take a nap.
I'm too wound up right now.
You know little Griffin, my youngest nephew? Yeah.
He wanted to play on the stairs, and my sister's like, "No, it's too dangerous.
" My mom says, "I've raised four kids, I " Okay, why don't you just watch your game? Come on, it's the last two minutes.
I'll be right up, okay? Man, they shoot themselves in the foot every single time they get in this position.
Somebody told me today that too much soy makes your brain shrink.
Kind of scared me a little bit.
I've been having soy for breakfast with my cereal, everyday for the last 10 years.
What am I gonna do, switch to milk now? I don't know if I could switch to milk.
You know, cholesterol.
Can't win, really.
So tell me about the trip.
What How's your cousin, Griffin? Griffin is my nephew.
How's your mother and everything? She's wonderful.
She's sarcastic wonderful, or just Does that mean she's not wonderful or - Just the sarcasm, it's - No, she really is wonderful.
I'm sorry about what happened downstairs when you got home.
I was watching the game and it was the last two minutes.
That's fine.
Doesn't sound like it's fine.
It's, you know I'm sensing rancor.
Or is it "ranker"? "Rancor"? - I know how to spell it.
- Larry, please, it's fine.
I don't know what you want me to say right now.
How about: "Honey, I forgive you.
Would you like to have sex?" How about that? Or any combination of that.
Either forgiveness or the sex.
Of course, both would be great.
That would be ideal.
I'm not expecting both.
If you were watching the Oscars or something, okay and they were about to announce the best-actress category and I came home I would say, "No, sit down, finish watching it.
" I think if you had been gone on a trip I could make two minutes for you to listen to what happened, and see how you're doing.
If it was in the third quarter easily, I'd give you 15 minutes.
But we're in the last two minutes of the game.
They've got the ball on the 35-yard line.
You know, the moment has passed.
There's nothing we can do about it now.
How many frequent-flier miles do I need? I'm gonna call you back.
Hi.
Phil Scheff called.
He said you can call him whenever you want.
- What are you wearing? - I'm gonna work out later.
You can't wear that.
What happened to the outfit I got you last week? I'm uncomfortable in it.
It's too new.
Wait a second.
You haven't shaved? - All right, what's going on? - Nothing.
No, something's up with you.
Cheryl's not talking to me, that's all.
- It's no big deal.
- All right, what did you do? I was watching the football game.
She'd been away for four days.
She comes home with two minutes left to go in the game and my attention was diverted and You gotta get her a gift.
- You can't come home empty-handed.
- Yeah.
We were at this jewelry store a couple of weeks ago and she was looking at this bracelet and it was platinum, it had little diamonds in it.
Yeah, that's it.
That's what I was afraid of.
You're that chicken I'orange guy.
Oh, yeah! - How you doing? - Good, how are you? - Good to see you.
- Nice to see you.
Thanks a lot for that chicken, that was highly appreciated.
- Did you like it? - Man, I loved it! - You wouldn't have any spare change? - No.
Anna? Here's a piece of gum.
Piece of gum? Look at this.
What should we do? - Okay, take care of yourself.
- Okay.
- No.
- I wasn't with that guy.
I'm not with him.
These are my workout clothes! Excuse me, sir, could you do me a favor? I'm gonna dial a number.
If a woman answers the phone, just hang up and if a man answers, hand it back to me, okay? - Are you putting me on? - No.
What is this about? I hate my friend's girlfriend.
I don't wanna talk to her.
Please.
Thank you.
- It's a guy.
- Thank you very much.
Richard? What are you doing now? I need you to do me a big favor.
L.
D.
- Hey.
- Hey, man.
No wonder.
Look at you.
What? You look like the Jewish Ratso Rizzo.
I was gonna work out.
Thank you for doing this.
I mean, all right - Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- The bracelet is in the front.
- That's the first thank you in over two years.
I want you to know.
You haven't done anything to thank you for.
Good point.
- So the bracelet is right in the front.
- Right.
It's platinum, it's got little diamonds.
- Is there a name like "Pluto's Tail"? - I don't know the name of it.
It's right in the front center.
- Of what? - Of the display case.
- It's prominent.
- Is it on one of the velvet neck things? - Yeah, it's right in the front center- - No, it's a necklace- It's a bracelet.
It's not on a hand.
- It's not on a thing? - There's only two bracelets in- It has to either be on a hand or on a mannequin.
Why'd I ever call this guy? Give me some bread, all right.
Use your credit card.
I'll pay you back later today, I promise.
Thank you.
Smarty pants.
Closed.
- Good planning.
- Shit.
I'll do this.
I'll do it.
But I'm hungry and we'll come back.
We'll come back, let's go eat.
- Where do you want to go? - I don't know.
- LA Farm.
- All right, you drive.
It's so gorgeous out, we haven't talked, let's walk.
You want to walk? It's about 25 minutes, a half hour it'll take us.
So what? Come on, like we're in New York again.
I never walked in New York.
It's only about 20 minutes.
I need it for my cardiovascular.
I told you, 25 relatives had heart attacks in my family.
- Do me one, let me walk.
- Okay, please.
I'm not lying.
Why do you think? We're men, right, and men need it more.
No, it's not about that.
I got it.
- No.
Why? - I got it, it's fine.
It's because they are so offended by our genitalia that they have to be in love with us to have it.
That's why we can have sex with anyone and they can't.
Because penises don't look as attractive, and that's why- Yes, they can't just have sex with any man.
They have to really love the man to get involved with their penis with their grotesque penis.
I'm missing something.
No, I think it's a good theory.
It's a disgusting theory at lunch, I'll tell you that.
We're already finished, so it doesn't matter.
- Thanks for lunch, by the way.
- You're welcome, what is this? What? There's a space here to tip a captain? A captain? Instead of a waiter? No, both.
Look at this.
There's a space for a captain, and a space for a waiter.
So, you give both.
What do you mean I give both? What am I supposed to give? You give the waiter what you want and the captain half.
Half of the waiter's? Half of my - Allotment? - I have 20 percent allotted to the waiter.
Sound like you're in the schmata business.
The captain's gonna be horning in now on my allotment? - On what the waiter's getting? - No, the waiter was good.
So, it's 30 percent, is that what you're saying? -20 and 10? - Yeah.
What does a captain do? I think I saw.
The guy at the podium.
He pointed.
The captain's horning in on the waiter, 'cause most people are probably reducing the tip to the waiter- - You think he's horning? - I do.
That's hilarious.
Who is this captain out of the clear blue sky? - You're not leaving anything? - I'm giving the waiter 30 percent.
Let the waiter give the captain 10 percent if he wants.
I'll give the waiter the money.
Let's go.
Thanks for lunch, by the way, and thanks for the penis talk.
Next time, there'll be a space for a lieutenant then maybe a colonel, tip the colonel.
"How much, Colonel?" What does the colonel get? I bet in school, you didn't put the little penny in the UNICEF slots? - I put a lot of pennies.
- It's unlikely.
- Hello, excuse me? - Hello.
I can't believe you stopped.
I've been standing here for over an hour and you're the first people that have actually stopped.
Anyway, I hate to impose on you.
I wonder if I could just take up a few minutes of your time.
I need a little help.
- What do you need? - Thank you so much.
I just moved into the neighborhood and I have these boxes in the middle of my living room and I actually just need a minute of your time to help me move them to the corner, so I don't trip over them.
- I don't see.
- Where do you live? Just right around the corner.
It would help me so much if you could just help me.
I kinda gotta get to the jewelry store.
Yes, I know, it's a terrible imposition.
I'm sorry.
How can you not help a blind man? How could you say "blind man," in front of a blind man? Please, no.
- I didn't mean that in a bad way.
- No, no.
I meant "sightless.
" I respect the blind as much as anybody.
- It's not a problem, believe me.
- I didn't mean that in a derogatory sense.
I got my own problems.
I'm a recovering alcoholic.
- I have intimacy problems.
- Poor guy, terrible intimacy problems.
Can't get close to a woman.
It's a terrible thing.
It happens to be true.
I am just saying, we're all the same.
He can't see, and you have intimacy problems.
- You guys have a lot in common.
- There are recovering people who are blind.
Your problems are very similar.
- We'll help you move.
- Thank you so much.
- We're right behind you, bro.
- Thank you.
- Are you still there? - Unbelievable, you could do this to me.
My name is Michael.
- How you doing? - Hi.
Here it is.
Thank you so very much.
This means the world.
Thank you.
What I need is the computer.
Do you see it? - Very lovely place you got, by the way.
- Really? Thanks, just put it on the table.
In the corner.
Try to think about my fingers once, will you? Great.
Just throw a little chair and I'm good.
- I can handle this.
- The agapanthus, sorry.
This is very heavy.
- Member of the lily family.
- Push it! I had a colonoscopy two weeks ago.
- Thank you very much.
- It's our pleasure.
You have no strength.
You're so fucking dainty.
You know what? The wingback chair would be better.
- There's nothing else, is there? - Where do you think I should put the TV? - Back up! - You're like a goddamn lion tamer.
Okay.
Listen, thanks.
It's Mike.
Thank you so very much, Richard.
- Larry.
- Larry, thank you.
Thanks so much.
Okay, thanks, all right.
- Be well, take care of yourself.
- Okay, just the mattress.
Where do you want the mattress? In the bedroom.
Good.
Thank you so very much.
- Okay, you're happy? You sure? - Yeah.
And it looks great, by the way.
Thank you very much, from the bottom of my heart.
You should be very happy, the place looks great.
Thank you, Larry.
Thanks, Richard.
And, you rule.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
Just bring the TV in and stick it in the fireplace there and go.
Get the TV from the bedroom? Stick it in the recess of the fireplace.
Why did we move it in the bedroom then? Why is it in the bedroom? - I don't know why we moved- - You told us to move it in the bedroom.
No, I did not! Richard said bring it in the bedroom.
You don't even want it.
Why do you want it over here? For my guests! It doesn't work over here.
You'll ruin the whole hearth effect.
What in the name of God am I gonna do with a TV in my room? I'm blind.
But it doesn't work in here! It just doesn't fit! That's where it belongs! Are you questioning my sense of space? - I'm not questioning your sense of space- - Thank you.
Bring in the goddamn TV and be done with it! - This is not a marriage, can we just do this? - Thank you.
Because I have a lot of things going on in my life, too.
- Just bring it in! - So you know, I- - Richard! - I'm sorry.
We did a good thing, but I Who knew? The blind man misled us, though.
- It's true, but- - He did mislead us.
He didn't tell us the truth about what we had to move.
He was a deceptive blind man.
I think if you're blind, you have some You got a license, you got a blind license? I can finish my own thought- - You weren't doing a very good job of it.
- I'm exhausted.
- You like that? - Shit happens.
Shit happens.
That's great.
Let me see this thing that we wasted our whole lifetime trying to get.
- See, in the front, in the center? - On that little ramp thing? It's beautiful.
I know, it's nice.
Wave goodbye.
It's good to see you.
Yeah.
I gotta tell you this.
You helped a blind man, and, to me, this was a great day.
- It was? - Yeah.
Every day's a great day for me.
Look at you, Norman Vincent Lewis.
- No, I'm not Norman Vincent Lewis.
- Are you Norman Vincent Lewis? Is it true or not that I have more, I don't know, serenity than you? You are never filled with any gratitude.
You have no gratitude.
- You have more serenity? - In my own way I do.
I am in pretty bad shape, if that's the case.
- I mean, I love you.
- You are just a babbling brook of bullshit.
- I'll see you.
- Thanks for your help.
I hear what you're saying, but I gotta tell you, Richie-boy I don't think you know what you're talking about.
If they punt, the way the Giants' defense is playing, they won't get the ball back.
Let me ask you something.
You didn't happen to pick up my credit card at lunch today, did you? I don't know, I must have left it on the table or something.
Great, we're all made up.
Everything's great.
Got her some roses.
Boy, it's amazing how these roses work.
You want to buy the bracelet? Is it her birthday? Yeah okay, go ahead.
They're running, what idiots! Do you believe this team? I gotta go.
Cheryl's home.
Hi! - How are you, honey? - Hi.
Okay.
How's it going? It's football again.
- Is there a game on? - You didn't know that? Right now, on the TV? - You're kidding? - No.
Not kidding.
How was your NRDC meeting? It was great.
We're gonna have a big beach-cleaning day.
- Beach-cleaning day? - Yeah.
Like, thousands of volunteers, and we're gonna have booths all up and down the beach, and hopefully get more people involved.
Hopefully, but not me, of course, but I wish everybody good luck.
Thank you, I would not expect you to get involved.
It's a lot of work for volunteering.
And you know what? I passed by that jewelry store on 23rd and I think, I really do want that bracelet.
You know what? I was gonna buy you that bracelet today.
- I almost bought it.
- Really? - You did? - Unfortunately, the store was closed.
You can get it tomorrow.
You know, I was I was talking to Richard Lewis on the phone earlier and he was with me today and he just asked me if he could buy it for his girlfriend and I guess I kinda told him "okay.
" Why would you do that? We'd already made up.
So, I don't want the bracelet because we made up? - That doesn't make sense.
- I know it doesn't, it was stupid.
Let's call him and tell him it was a mix-up, and not to get it for his girlfriend- I'll get it for you first thing tomorrow morning.
I don't want to call him.
His girlfriend picks up the phone - and I don't want to talk to her- - I'll call.
No.
He's got caller ID, and I'm gonna be on the phone for five hours, explaining to him why I hung up, and I don't want that.
I'll get up and go down there.
I will be there when they open the store.
I will turn the key.
I'll greet them in the morning.
- It's all done.
- Uncle Larry is here.
What's this all about? I have to get dressed up to go to this jewelry store.
- My God, you look great.
- Thank you very much.
Would you mind handing me that sport jacket, please? I can barely move.
I'm just shocked.
The restaurant called while you were in the shower.
- They have the credit card? Great.
- So, you don't need mine? No, I'm gonna go pick it up before I go to the jewelry store.
- Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hi, I called earlier about the credit card.
- Yeah, okay, let's see.
- What's your name? - Larry David.
All right, it's yours.
Thank you so much.
- Good morning.
- Hi, Perry, good morning.
Fuck! - The only table I have that night is- - Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt.
My car's blocked in.
I don't know if it's from this restaurant.
- It's a black BMW, it's a convertible.
- It's probably Perry's car.
- Who's Perry? - The captain.
He's right over there.
Could you please do me a favor? I think you're blocking my car.
Did you park in an employee-reserved space? I did.
I left my credit card here.
I just had to run in for 30 seconds.
You're the guy from yesterday.
So, you got your card? - Yes, I did.
- You had this table, too, right? And the table was good? It was great, wasn't it? - It was okay.
- The service was good? - It was fine, yeah.
- We did everything, I just want to make sure.
Normally, when we have good service, we get tips.
I think you left something like and you just drew a line through my waiter-captain tip.
- I thought maybe it was something- - Wait.
Hold on a second.
The waiter didn't give you any money? No.
Waiters don't tip out to waiter captains, and I make a living off my tips.
- That waiter didn't share that tip with you? - No, he didn't.
That is so unfair.
That's terrible.
- Really terrible.
- Yeah, isn't it? I mean you make a living off your tips.
And here is a 30 percent tip, and he gets the whole thing.
And a line right through the waiter captain.
I was emphasizing what an extravagant tip it was in some ways.
No, the waiter's- I was calling attention to it.
You know, "Here, share this.
" Actually, I'm in the middle of something right now, so- I'll move the car for you.
Just give me the keys.
I'll move your car, I'll put it in the space- - It's got a special code.
- It'll take two seconds.
Stay here, do your work, and I'll just go move the car.
You better find yourself another mode of transportation.
Richard! Wait! Wait! Anna?