Cybill (1995) s01e04 Episode Script

(Man) Cutter's the can-do market.
Delicious fresh-baked goods.
- Can do! - More! - More? - More.
Still rolling.
Go again.
- Can do! - I'm not buying it! Can do! I'm still not buying it! Can do! Make me believe it! Can do! - Perfect! - You're kidding? Cutter's the can-do market.
Tasty deli treats.
Can do! Ocean-fresh seafood.
Can do! - Garden-fresh produce.
- Can do! ? Loving one who loves you ? And then taking that vow ? Nice work if you can get it ? And if you get it ? Won't you tell me how?? Dukey! Slow down, boy! Whoa! Whoa! Oh, God, Duke! What have you got now? Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! Drop it! If you don't drop it, I'm selling you to the glue factory! - Beautiful animal.
- Thanks.
You want him? How many rags does he eat a day? - Ask my ex-husband.
It's his dog.
- You walk your ex-husband's dog? - I thought I had a bad divorce lawyer.
- (Chuckles) - Mark.
- Cybill Sheridan.
This sounds corny, but you look really familiar.
I'm an actress.
I've done some film, TV.
Nothing big.
Couple of soaps.
- My first love is the theatre.
- You are the can-do girl.
- No, I'm not.
- I've seen that commercial a hundred times.
- Can do! - All right, not so loud.
- Everybody's gotta pay their rent.
- I think it's very charming.
It made me switch to that supermarket.
- Really? - No, I'm just flirting with you.
- Oh.
- Can I buy you a cup of coffee? How do I know you don't sleep in a tin-foil hat to keep the CIA from controlling your dreams? Why? Is that a turn-off? ? If you don't know how to do it ? I'll show you how to walk that dog? I met him while I was walking Shamu here.
Jeff's on location.
I'll tell you the rest at lunch, Maryann.
I'm not gonna tell you any more.
I'm not! He's a psychiatrist.
Greyish hair, blue eyes, big feet.
See you at lunch.
Zoey, I said I'd prefer if you wouldn't say it.
- You're home early.
- Monster cramps.
Zoey, please.
I have cramps because I have a monthly cycle because I'm a woman, Dad.
Well, you'll always be my little girl.
Your little girl's uterus is sloughing off superfluous tissue.
Deal with it.
Feel better, baby.
- Maybe I should get her some soup.
- Oh, yeah, that'll do it.
Here, look, page two, bottom left.
Read it, out loud.
"LA Book Critics Association awarded the prize for full-length fiction "to Ira Woodbine for his novel Lowenstein's Lament.
" - Oh, Ira, congratulations! - Thanks.
- You should be so proud of yourself.
- I guess.
- What do you mean? - My publisher expects another book.
- They gave me a big advance.
- Oh, I'm so sorry! It's not a joke.
What if I wander around in my bathrobe without writing a word? I'll turn to drinking, end up penniless in a bus station restroom, choking on my own vomit.
Ira, you just won a major award.
Just enjoy it for five minutes and then choke on your vomit.
I suppose you're right.
Why don't we get champagne and celebrate? - Right now? - Why not? - I'm sorry.
I'm meeting Maryann.
- What about tonight? Tonight? I can't.
I've got plans.
Date plans? I shouldn't ask.
It's none of my business.
- Don't worry.
I can celebrate alone.
- Don't do that.
- Do what? - "Don't worry.
I can celebrate alone.
" - You're right.
I'm sorry.
- You did it again.
OK, OK.
I'm just used to sharing this stuff with you.
Never mind.
I guess I should go.
Ira I really am proud of you.
Thank you.
- Tell Zoey I hope she feels better.
- I will.
She didn't fake it to get out of the father-daughter putt-putt tournament? Don't be silly.
What 16-year-old girl doesn't love miniature golf with Dad? Yeah, you're right.
Bye.
OK, Zoey.
- How's the salmon? - Perfect.
No, we're still expecting a third.
- Who? - It's a surprise.
Another gimlet.
Can do! - I'm never gonna live that down.
- You said the same thing when you did the musical version of Gandhi.
- People forget.
- Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
Hello, Sharon.
This is my friend Cybill.
- Hi.
- Hey! Can do! Yeah, yeah.
Sit down.
- Can I get you anything? - Just coffee.
I'm on call.
- Sharon's a very successful surgeon.
- Oh.
- You sound like my mother.
- I'm sure she's proud.
Her new boyfriend's a surgeon too.
No, he's a plastic surgeon.
I save lives.
Richard sucks the fat out of rich people's asses.
They both work at St Luke's.
So romantic.
- (Pager bleeps) - That's probably the hospital.
Excuse me.
Her boyfriend is a plastic surgeon at St Luke's called Richard? Uh-huh.
Your ex-husband is a plastic surgeon at St Luke's called Richard.
Uh-huh.
You have made friends with her and she has no idea who you are.
- Aren't you proud of me? - Maryann, this is insane.
This is sick.
It's brilliant.
She tells me everything, where he goes.
- Makes it so much easier to stalk him.
- That was Richard.
It's his birthday and I haven't bought him anything yet.
Know what's a fun gift? One of those big, oversize wool cardigans.
- That's a great idea.
- Unless he's allergic to wool.
- Why would you think that? - Well I've known people whose throats closed up and nearly suffocated when they wear wool.
- Maybe I should ask him.
- No, that would spoil the surprise.
So, tell us more about this Richard.
Is it serious? Well, I wish it were, but he can't finalise the divorce until his wife is released from the mental institution.
- A mental institution? - Apparently the woman is nuts, Maryann.
? Crazy ? For thinking that my love could hold you? People say psychiatrists are screwed up, but you appear quite normal.
People speak highly of actresses too.
No, I meant it's so unusual to find a man that's my age, employed, single, heterosexual, not living in his mother's basement.
- Stop me when I'm wrong.
- That's all true.
I do have a little dark secret I guess you should know about.
What? I'm Spider-Man.
- Kidding.
Just kidding.
- Don't do that.
How about tomorrow you come to my place? I'll make you dinner.
Oh, you cook too? I am so impressed.
- I can do all sorts of things.
- Mm.
Ah, Daddy, look at Mommy.
Oh, Jeez.
I'm sorry - Mark? - Ira? - You two know each other? - Mark's my shrink.
- You're his shrink? - Dear Diary.
I cannot believe my ex-wife is dating my psychiatrist.
Hold on, let's discuss this calmly and rationally.
- Zoey, go to your room.
- Why? I'm already emotionally scarred.
Just go.
Ira, first of all, I had no idea Cybill was your ex-wife.
Secondly, you stopped going to therapy over a year ago.
- You said I was better.
- You said he was better? - Hah! Good line, Mom! - Zoey! This is very awkward.
I should leave you two to talk.
Cybill, thank you for a lovely dinner.
I'll call you.
- Good night, Mark.
Sorry about this.
- Don't be.
Ira.
Saw you on TV.
Can do.
Very nice.
- Let's hear it.
- That what you're doing is wrong? - A crime against nature? - Please.
You were my wife.
He was my shrink.
You two know enough to destroy me.
Yeah, go to dinner, have a little wine and then we're gonna get ya! OK, how about this? I forbid you to see him.
- Forbid? - Forbid's a little strong.
Beg.
I beg you.
Ira, you are not gonna tell me who to date.
If I have a relationship with Mark, it has nothing to do with you.
- I had a relationship with him first.
- You broke up with him.
Fine, date everybody I ever confided in.
My accountant, my proctologist, my rabbi.
Take a knife and just punch it in my heart! If I do that, can I still date the rabbi? (Maryann) ? The eyes of Maryann are on you ? All the live-Iong day ? You got a lawyer and divorced me ? But you can't get away? (Phone rings) - Hello? - Maryann, where are you? I'm on my way to 7-Eleven to get some gum.
- At midnight? - They're having a sale.
What's up? - Are you sitting down? - Hold on.
OK.
The psychiatrist I'm dating, he is Ira's shrink.
- You're kidding? - No.
Isn't it awful? That's great.
You can find out all of Ira's deep, dark secrets.
That's not me.
You're the one who's obsessed with your ex-husband.
Oh, I resent that.
- Wait! - What? Nothing.
They're out of Juicy Fruit.
Anyway, I don't care about Ira's secrets.
What I'm worried about is what he's told Mark about me.
(Maryann) Oh, my God! - That's not Sharon.
- What's not Sharon? - That son of a bitch! - Where are you? I'm stalking my husband.
What do you think? - He's kissing another woman.
- Sharon? It's somebody else.
He's cheating on Sharon, my friend.
Maryann, she is not your friend.
Oh, abandon her in her hour of need.
I hope if I ever sleep with one of your ex-husbands, you'll be more loyal.
Maryann, start the car and drive away.
I can't talk now, Cybill.
I'm going in for a closer look.
Maryann? Maryann! ? Can do, can do ? This guy says a horse can do? You know any show tunes about dead plastic surgeons? - Hi.
What are you doing here so late? - I'm meeting a friend.
And here he is now.
Hello, pal.
- I'll have another lite beer.
- Oh, somebody had a bad day.
I walked in on my ex-wife kissing my ex-shrink.
- I know.
- How long did it take her to call you? - I could hear you getting in your car.
- I don't want her going out with him.
He's a great guy, he's a professional, he's successful, he's sensitive.
He's me.
Only better.
Maybe you don't understand your role in this conversation.
I'm sorry.
Poor Ira.
- There, there.
- When's she going out with him? Are you gonna park in front of his house and spy on them? That's sick.
- Yeah, you're right.
- Ira, trust me on this.
If you don't let go of Cybill, you'll wind up hating her.
- You've gotta move on.
- Was it hard letting go of Richard? Well, it took two deputy sheriffs and a stun gun, but eventually I let go.
My friend just arrived.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here.
- Thanks, Maryann.
- Any time, Ira.
What couldn't you tell me over the phone? - The phones aren't safe.
- They're not? Too easy to tap.
I'll teach you someday.
It's about that fellow Richard you've been seeing.
- What about him? - Well a friend who knows the woman he was married to was passing by his house and saw him with another woman.
- Another woman? - 5'8", blonde hair, green eyes.
Thick ankles.
That's what my friend told me.
- That bastard.
- Sorry, don't wanna interrupt.
Just wanted to say thanks for the advice.
Maybe I can get over Cybill.
You got over Richard.
- Richard? - Her ex-husband.
- The jockey? - No, the plastic surgeon.
Good night.
Oh, yeah.
I left out a part.
? I'm crazy for trying ? And crazy for crying ? And I'm crazy for loving you? Dinner should be ready in 20 minutes.
- Great.
- You hungry? Yeah.
- What? - Oh, nothing.
It's just so funny.
- What is? - You know, everything.
I meet you by accident and you turn out to be my ex-husband's ex-shrink.
God knows what he's told you.
It's almost like I'm naked, only I'm not cold, I'm not naked, I have my clothes on.
Please, God, shut me up.
- Is this gonna be a problem? - Of course not.
Pour.
Oh, OK.
This is supposed to be a very good Zinfandel.
- How did you know I like Zinfandel? - You ordered it the other night.
Oh, of course.
You're very observant.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Cybill, I wanna clear something up.
I charge $125 an hour.
At those prices, my clients don't usually discuss their ex-wife's drinking preferences, unless drinking was a problem.
Did Ira tell you I have a drinking problem? No.
You know I can't discuss what my clients say.
Oh, of course you can't.
I'm sorry.
There was that month with the Kahlua, but I was having trouble sleeping.
- Maybe this is a bad idea.
- No, no, I'm having fun.
Let's change the subject.
Tell me about your day.
- Well, I went shopping for a new car.
- What are you looking for? A four-wheel drive.
I test-drove a Jeep Cherokee.
- Are you trying to be funny? - I don't understand.
- Ira told you the Cherokee story.
- What Cherokee story? If we had owned the car, I wouldn't have hesitated to make love in it.
But a car you're test-driving, that is wrong.
That's like making love in a department store display bed.
He told you I lost my sense of adventure, right? Well, I am very creative sexually, but the one time I don't wanna do something, that's all he remembers! He doesn't remember the beach in Mexico, or the time I picked him up with nothing on but a fur coat.
- Nothing at all? - You see? He didn't even tell you that.
All he did was whine about the demise of our sex life.
Not that it had anything to do with the lack of communication or the fact that he wore plaid boxers to bed every night of our marriage.
God, I hate plaid! I'll kill myself if you send me to Scotland.
I would! Cybill! You may have some residual feelings towards your ex-husband.
For Ira? If you'd like, I could refer you to someone.
- You're telling me I need a shrink? - What do you think? I think I don't wanna be analysed and told I need professional help.
Have you ever thought about that? No! Well, maybe you should, Mr Sigmund Zinfandel! In the meantime, excuse me if I don't wanna get on your couch! - And one more thing.
- What? You could be right.
"No," he said.
"This isn't right.
"The car doesn't belong to us.
" (Doorbell rings) Hold on! Who is it? - (Cybill) It's your ex-wife! - This can't be good.
It cannot be good.
Still wanna celebrate your book award? - Now? - Well, yeah.
Unless you're in the middle of someone.
Something.
No, I'm just writing.
Come on in.
- So, why aren't you out with Mark? - I was.
Good.
I want you to know, I was out of line the other night.
If you wanna date him, go right ahead.
Did he, uh, talk about me? - Yeah.
- He did? - What a blabber-mouth.
- Really? He even told me about the you know.
Oh, God.
That was a long time ago and I was mad at you.
- What are you talking about? - Nothing.
- What are you talking about? - Ira, I was teasing.
I knew that.
I came by because we never had a chance to celebrate your success.
Oh, well, that's great.
You know, you were a big part of that success.
We fought the entire time you were writing that book.
Which is why I wrote about a Ionely man trapped in a destructive marriage.
- You told me it was about your parents.
- You bought that? Bite me, Ira.
I'd like to propose a toast to the best novel of the year, Lowenstein's Lament.
Congratulations.
I'm damn proud of you.
Thanks.
Mark didn't talk about me at all? Well, actually, he does have an odd theory about us.
- What does he know? The guy's a quack.
- He thinks I have feelings for you.
And yet at times I found him to be amazingly perceptive.
So, do you? Maybe.
- Do you? - You know I do.
But I've been giving it a lot of thought.
We can't live together without tearing each other apart.
So, maybe we should work on just being friends.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
Friends.
Friends.
Of course, there's no law against friends being really friendly, once more, for old times' sake.
Hmm.
- You think? - What could it hurt? We're already divorced.
Good night, Ira.
What? What did I do? (? Bagpipe music) (Cybill) Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
See the second-floor window, the one that's open? - You think you can get it in there? - Easy.
- Water-based or oil? - Oil.
What am I, an amateur? You see why I like her? - I can't believe I'm doing this.
- They'll write songs about us.
- (Window smashes) - Sharon, I said the open window! - Oh, well.
- (Alarm rings) - Gun it.
- Can do!