Dad Stop Embarrassing Me! (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

Oh, snap! I didn't know I was gonna
find my favorite sister here.
I'm your only sister.
Look, Chelsea. I got something
that's gonna change your life.
- You're hooking me up with Donald Glover.
- You know what? I am not.
But I know Danny Glover.
Look. This is what I was thinking about.
The lip gloss idea.
Why don't we do that as a limited
summer release? Hmm? Run with it.
You are finally taking my advice.
- Damn right, I am.
- You should've in high school.
I said your Jheri curl
made you look like a Black Kenny G.
First off, my Jheri curl was popping.
The reason I know that,
'cause Ice Cube saw me
at the mall one time and yelled out,
"Yay, yay. West-sia-fo-lia-nia."
Shut up.
Anyway, I was thinking,
your great marketing skills,
here's how we're gonna change the world.
How about you come work
with me at Bay? Toast.
It is hard enough
living under the same roof with you.
- You want us working together, too?
- I prefer you moved the hell out, but
Bay is struggling, and think about it.
It's a family biz
that our mom passed down to us,
and it's a Black-owned business.
Right now, white people feeling guilty.
It's time we run with that.
Ooh, yeah.
We can capitalize on the Caucasians.
- Capitalize on the Caucasians.
- [sing-song] Capitalize
Mmm-hmm. So, what d'you think?
[sighs] Let me think about it.
That's not the worst idea you've ever had.
The worst idea I ever had was when I had
my Jheri curl close to that grill.
Ooh!
[both] Yay-yay!
There she is. My favorite girl.
- Oh! Uh-uh.
- Oh!
Let's make this clear.
We're not dating,
and this is not a relationship.
But if you wanna buy me jewelry,
I ain't mad at that.
It's all good, Chelsea. Keep it casual.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I got a lot of entanglements, girl.
No, I was just kidding. Call me. Uh
I'll be here.
That's a special talent, J.
Making Chelsea disappear. Want a beer?
Manny, you said you was cleaning
the pool. This ain't the pool.
Oh, no. Today I was supposed to water
the plants, but it rained last night.
So it's like Mother Nature
gave me a day off.
Uh
Will y'all kill all that noise?
I'm playing Tijuana Fats here
for 20 bucks.
Thought you said it was ten.
Well, that's before
I made my first four shots.
And game! Mmm. [chuckles]
You owe me one blue hunnid.
Hmm.
[phone chimes]
Another Amber Alert? I thought
I blocked those stupid things. Oh.
It's from Visa. [clicks tongue]
Zia just spent $12 on a smoothie
at Whole Foods.
"Report as fraud." And now it's free.
Wait a minute. Whole Foods?
Sasha said she was going to the movies.
That's on the other side of town.
Nah, Zia's at Whole Foods.
Man. I'd love for her
to grab me some banana chips,
but she'd know I was tracking her.
Wait. You track your daughter
on your phone?
You respect Sasha's privacy
and don't track her behind her back?
You're a terrible father.
Give me your phone.
You can track your kids on your phone?
I'm glad they didn't have that
when you were little.
I liked when my kids got lost.
Gave me a little me time.
- Sasha's at Dave & Buster's.
- What?
- This is crazy. That don't make no sense.
- It does if she's lying to you.
No, look, maybe your
triflin' ass daughter might lie,
but not my baby girl.
No, but your teenage daughter would.
No, hold on. I'm not worried
about Sasha, okay?
- All I'mma do is just text
- [phone chimes]
You know what? Don't even have to text.
She just texted me.
"Having a great time with Zia
at the movies. Call you later."
Looks like Sasha's lying to your ass.
Nobody goes to Dave & Buster's
by themselves.
Their whole menu is shareables.
Well, if she's not with Zia,
who could she be with?
She better be with Jesus.
Let's get to Dave & Buster's.
- Pops, you drivin'?
- Hell yeah.
You know I ain't got my license, though.
We can laugh, we can hang
But don't embarrass me ♪
Please don't say the wrong thing
Dad, don't embarrass me again ♪
We can dance, we can joke
But don't embarrass me ♪
Don't embarrass me
Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪
I know that you mean well
But don't be so foul ♪
When I'm hangin' with my friends
Please don't be actin' wild ♪
I said please don't embarrass me
Dad, stop, don't embarrass me ♪
[gunshots on arcade game]
You're supposed to shoot the bad guys,
not the cops.
You play your game, I'll play mine.
Thunder, you copy?
This is White Lightning.
You got a 20 on Sasha?
Negative.
[grunts]
Manny, holla at me.
Negative.
All I see is some selfish bastard
hogging the Skee-Ball.
That's right. I'm talking to you, big man.
[dance music playing]
Ah! She's right there. There's Sasha.
I guess I'm not the only one
who goes to Dave & Buster's by themselves.
What I don't understand is why would
she lie and say she's at the movies?
[Sasha] What's up?
- Oh, hell no!
- I don't think that's Jesus.
That boy may not be Jesus,
but he's about to meet him.
Hallelujah ♪
[vocalizing]
Why does it suddenly feel
cold and old in here?
[grunts angrily] I'm going over there.
- No!
- You can't go over there.
She'll know you're tracking her.
She'll tell Zia.
Then Zia will figure out
that I'm tracking her.
And then she'll be too mad
to teach me the Renegade.
[grunts]
That's all I got.
Plus, Mr. Brian,
you already told Sasha
she couldn't hang out with him.
And that only made her want him more.
You remember your barbecue
bacon pork rinds?
I didn't even know I wanted 'em
till you said I couldn't have 'em.
Then I ended up finishing the whole bag,
butt-ass naked in your bathtub.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna go get us some Slurpees.
[imperceptible]
Oh, you got pros
in different area codes, huh?
- Not on my watch. Portrait.
- [camera shutter clicking]
We gotta figure out how to stop this,
but without her knowing.
What you wanna do, Brian?
I got Carole Baskin's number.
We will never see this fool again.
No, Pops.
You know what we need?
We need a duct tape and a chicken wire.
What? No.
We'll just go to the kid's house
and scare him away.
Pops, you know what to do.
I have a very particular set of skills.
Skills I have developed
over a very long career.
Skills that make me a nightmare
for people like Brodie.
Okay. Kiss-Your-Bottoms
lives right down there.
Right there. 321 Evergreen.
Now if we gonna snatch this kid
out in the street, I'll do a leg.
Every time I do arms, I get bit.
We ain't gotta do that.
We'll scare him
and make him pee just a little.
I ain't gonna carry his leg, then.
[door opens]
- [Johnny] Brodie Owusu Jr.?
- What can I do for you, Oficer?
Oh. Hi, Mr. Dixon and hello, sir.
[laughs] Brodie. Brodie, Brodie.
We need to holla at you.
- Uh, sure. What
- Cut the Nickelodeon bullshit.
We seen you.
We seen you all over that girl
at Dave & Buster's,
and I got pictures to prove it.
Right here. Look.
Oh, not that one. Hold on.
Right Mmm. Ooh!
- Did you see that? [chuckles]
- Yeah.
Anyway. Right there. Look at it.
- What you got to say about that?
- I mean, I like the other one better.
Listen.
Why don't you drop the charades, huh?
Why don't you cut the shenanigans
and just be who you really are?
Shoot straight. Come on, dawg.
All right. What's on your mind, B?
B? My name ain't B, bro.
I'm Brian Dixon.
You put some respect on my name.
Aw, my bad. I mean, you said
you wanted to shoot straight.
[chuckles] You know, player to player.
Pimp to pimp.
[exclaims] What did this fool just say?
Something about players and pimps.
I'm not sure which one he is.
I heard him.
So that was all a charade, huh?
Where's that guy that was in line
at the Yeezy convention?
Look, that was just
a part of my game for the honeys.
Let me tell you something.
My daughter ain't no side piece.
She ain't nobody's honey.
And you stay away from her, B.
Come on, big dawg.
That's my shorty right there.
I'll snatch a knot in yo' ass. [grunting]
What big dawg is trying to say is
you better watch out,
'cause I could arrest you right now
for impersonating
Gerald Johanssen from Hey Arnold!
You ever been hooked up
to a car battery before?
Uh, who are you anyway? Morgan Freeman?
No. But if you keep getting smart,
you're about to get shawshanked.
Oh, never mind.
I'mma go get these jumper cables.
It's your choice, Brodie! Nipples or nuts?
And if you don't pick nipples,
you're nuts.
First of all, Brodie,
which is a whack-ass name by the way,
my daughter is a good girl
so I need you to stay away from her.
You understand?
You know what?
I don't.
And I'mma say it to you like this.
Get off my porch,
mall cop, goofball and old man.
Old man? You 'bout to find out
who's a old man.
[electricity crackling]
Now, it's your pick, Brodie.
Nipples or nuts?
Johnny, hold these.
I'mma take your damn package, too, boy.
[muttering indistinctly]
Johnny, come on with your nasty ass.
Yeah. Tell Russell Westbrook
that the clothes fit just fine.
Yeah, perfect size.
I'll do a post or something. All right.
Hey, Sasha, what's up? How was Sephora?
It was fun. I got the eye shadow palette
you wanted for research.
Get anything for yourself?
I wasn't in the mood to shop. Girl stuff.
Girl stuff? Like
Girl stuff, huh?
Uh
Girl stuff.
You want to, uh
You wanna talk about anything?
- Not really.
- [whispers] Thank God.
- Here's the eye shadow.
- Mmm. Okay.
- Oh, that's mine.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Mine.
- All right.
- Mine.
- Yeah
Ooh! Desert Dust
- Yeah.
- That's mine, too.
- All right. [chuckles]
- Uh, here's the shadow.
You said you ain't
get nothing for yourself.
No, I said I wasn't in the mood to shop.
Okay, all right.
- Oh, by the way, your Visa's maxed out.
- What are you talking about?
Listen. I just got
my credit card score up to 540.
Project Power.
Don't pistol shrimp me.
What you doing here?
I arrested a perp in the neighborhood,
but I got some news for you.
Brodie's ghosting Sasha.
Who told you this? Did Zia tell you?
No. She left her phone in the kitchen
and I read her and Sasha's texts.
Also, apparently,
Lil Baby's new song slaps.
All right. Look. You know what?
This is all wrong,
but it's working out brilliantly.
Pops is always right.
Nipples or nuts, huh?
[both chanting] Nipples or nuts
- Hey, nipples or
- Nipples or nuts
- Johnny?
- What?
We've already talked about this.
We call them men and women.
Men have nipples, too, Chelsea.
And some of them
even like them played with.
Oh!
Okay, Johnny, we all heard that.
We're standing right here.
[officer over radio] All units.
Burglary suspectat 4th and Peachtree.
That's the perp from my cruiser.
He wanted the window down
because it was hot.
All units, please be advised.
The perp is very persuasive.
Chels, whaddup?
I've been thinking about your offer
to work with you.
Ah! And I've been thinking
that you was gonna come to your senses,
and that's why I'm a step ahead of you.
I have the celebratory
champagne here to celebrate.
But it ain't the good kind.
That's 'cause you're too cheap
to buy the good kind.
I'm not taking the job.
That's why I don't have the good kind.
What are you talking about?
I love the idea of running marketing here,
but you can't pay me
what I'm making at Co.
And I'm stretched thin
already paying for all my ex-husbands.
Actually, two of them.
'Cause one thinks I'm dead.
Why don't I leave you two alone?
Thank you.
[Brian mumbling]
Chels, what is it? Is it about the money?
Tsk. Hell yeah. Come on,
I got health care. I got a 401(k).
- And I got a company car.
- I could get you a company car.
You just gotta co-sign for it.
Look, it's our mom's family business.
You can't do this, Chels.
I know, bro, but I
[sighs] I just can't.
- No, you can.
- No, I can't.
- You trippin'.
- Why?
Because blood is thicker than water.
And blood is thicker than Coca-Cola, too.
But Coca-Cola pay them bills.
All right, I'mma take these.
I'mma try 'em out.
All right, bro, love you, bye.
I hope you break out.
Brian, Citibank is
on line two about your Visa.
Report it as fraud and we get it free.
I thought Brodie and I were really vibing.
We were gonna get matching henna tattoos
of our couple name.
Brosha.
I'm sorry, angel.
I've been telling you since you were
four months old that boys suck.
Or maybe something really bad
happened to Brodie.
Like, he's in a coma.
Or even worse,
he lost his phone.
What should I do, auntie?
Well, you could do
what I always used to do.
You find something of his to burn.
Is that why we always used to
have those bonfires every summer?
Yeah, that's my girl. Pyrotherapy.
Ooh. You could do what my cousin Kiki did.
Okay. Okay.
So you take a picture of one of your boobs
and send it to him,
and he's definitely gonna text you back
and ask for the other one.
Mmm-mmm. We're definitely not doing that.
[chuckles] Y'all are underage.
Hey, ladies, what you doin'?
Sasha got bread-crumbed, side-barred
and now she's benched.
I'm sorry.
Or congratulations Chelsea, translate.
Yeah, so this guy that she likes,
he stopped responding to her texts.
Oh, right. Yeah, that sucks.
I got ghosted once,
and then three weeks later,
he un-ghosted me
with a Venmo request for rent,
for the two nights I slept over.
You know, a guy once ghosted me,
but I saw right through him.
Get it? Like a ghost,
I saw right through him.
[laughs]
- Bless her heart.
- Okay. Tough crowd.
You know what?
I'mma tell you
what my mama used to say to me.
A woman's worth
comes from the inside, not the outside.
But if these boys start playing games,
you toss his ass to the side.
Yes.
You know that Bay was
her entire idea, right?
Really?
Okay. Think about this.
How many single moms could've built
a successful company from scratch?
Especially when one of your kids
is as dumb as your daddy.
Oh, gosh, I miss her.
Uh-oh. Rooster in the hen house.
What's up, Pop?
Chelsea, you're gonna need
a new car battery.
Why?
[door closes]
Owusu Jr.?
What the hell?
So, we gonna do
the boob thing or what, huh?
Are you sippin' that for me? [laughs]
Because I just won
the Father of the Year award.
What are you talking about?
I just saved my baby girl
from her first bonfire.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Are you sure?
'Cause if it has anything to do
with Sasha's friend Brodie,
she's still upstairs devastated right now.
Yes. It has everything to do with Brodie.
See, I got the picture
to get him out the picture.
- Oh, God.
- Look at this.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
Who is this little player
with his arms all around that girl?
Focus. That's Brodie.
Gimme this.
You're stalking this little boy.
Yes, you are.
- You did that to me in high school.
- Chels
I'm not stalking him.
And don't you ever snatch
my phone like that.
Listen, what happened was
the minute Sasha turned her back,
he rolls up to another girl
and tries to get warm.
- You can't show her this.
- Why not?
Okay. You have got to
stay out of her business.
Listen. She is my business, okay?
And I am the chairman and the CEO.
You're a control freak, Brian.
Let the girl sink or swim on her own.
Yeah. She's gotta go through stuff.
You know, things happen.
We drowned a few times.
- Girl, I'm
- We still alive though.
- We okay.
- I'm still drowning.
Mmm.
You look like y'all need some floaties.
Okay, look, I know how to handle this.
I'll handle it my way,
and that is I lay down the law
and I'm Father of the Year.
For what? You crossin' a line, B.
Get your snorkels,
and I hope you get bit by Jaws.
Wow.
Shoot that [grunts] That's what
I'm talking about. LeBron James.
[grunts] Mmm-hmm. Uh Huh.
Bang! Time out, San Antonio.
- Stacy, I thought you left.
- I was hoping we could talk.
Can't talk right now
because the king is on. [chuckles]
Get that, LeBron. Take that for yourself.
Okay. LeBron has got his bread.
We need to talk about yours.
LeBron doesn't eat bread
during the playoffs.
We aren't on the team.
- You're on the couch.
- What you doin'?
This better be good.
Bay isn't doing well,
but I think that I can help.
I know it's not doing well.
Why you rubbin' this in my face?
What're you sayin'?
Look, I'm being serious, okay?
I want you to consider me
for head of marketing position.
- Head of marketing?
- Yeah.
Uh [hesitates] Look,
we've been struggling with that. I mean
Okay.
Since you turned off the king
give me a king's pitch.
- Hmm?
- All right
Well, I'm perfect for this job
because I studied marketing at Emory,
and for the past five years, I have gotten
to know Bay from the inside out.
I know all of your goals,
your strategies, your secrets.
Secrets?
You mean I didn't delete
my search history?
You know, I was trying to look up StubHub.
Right.
Anyway, you signed
a non-disclosure agreement, so
It was just a piece of paper that said,
"Please don't tell anyone anything,"
written in red lipstick.
But it was on company letterhead.
From the Hampton Inn at Dulles airport.
[laughs] That's still a company.
Brian, I know that Bay
is a family business, okay?
But I care about it
like I'm part of the family.
And I promise, if you trust me and let me
run with this, I am going to kill it.
[grunting]
Oh. Okay. Okay.
That was a king pitch.
Hmm. You know what?
Because you did that
and your other qualifications
It's yours.
Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
Thank you so, uh
[bang]
Brian Uh
Why is Chelsea taking out
Pops' car battery?
Nipples or nuts, Stace.
Nipples or nuts.
How crazy is it,
when we were in high school,
dads were telling us
to stay away from their daughters,
and now we're doing the same thing.
[chuckles] Come on, man.
You didn't have no girls.
- Really?
- Really.
What do you call that girl
I took to the prom?
A hostage.
She was a fine-ass hostage, though, right?
[mumbling agreement]
Dude, I can't believe you!
Baby, I am your father.
Trust me. Fifteen years
of child support receipts to prove it.
Well, 14 years, 'cause that first year
she didn't look like me.
You actually went to Brodie's house?
Watch this. I can get out of anything.
I am the David Blaine of lies.
Why aren't there any Black magicians?
Brodie? Brodie who? [chuckles]
See? David Blaine.
[scoffs] Oh,
he ain't gettin' out of this one.
He's about to fall apart
like a bootleg Louis bag.
Well, Brodie just sent me this.
It's video from his Ring doorbell.
Video? That's not good.
Oh Oh, uh
See, what had happened was
I was We were out.
We're getting into Jehovah's Witnesses,
and we rolled by his place.
But you gotta understand.
You can't hear what we're
We're testifying to him
but there's no audio.
Oh, it has audio.
Audio?
That's not good.
Do you have any idea
how embarrassing this is for me?
No, you don't.
Because you always embarrass me.
I can't believe you went behind my back
and threatened Brodie.
I can't believe you went behind my back
and went out with him in the first place.
Okay? Now, this is my house.
It's my rules.
You'll abide by it
'cause I pay the bills here.
[scoffs] So I have to follow all
your rules around here,
no matter how stupid they are?
First of all, you watch your tone,
your delivery and your neck.
Whatever this is, all this
I need still-necktedness in this house.
Good talk.
That's the thing. You never let me talk.
You just lay down your rules
without listening to my point of view.
I'm a teenage girl.
I'm gonna talk to boys.
And I am a grown Black man
and I'mma whip them boys' asses.
God. Do you even listen to yourself?
Look, I'm sorry I went behind your back.
But what choice did I have?
Okay, well, I accept your apology.
- You don't think you did anything wrong?
- You know what? Hell to the no.
Hey, on the bright side,
we didn't fry Brodie's nipples.
You know what really sucks?
I thought Brodie didn't like me
because of me.
But it turns out he didn't like me
because of you.
Thanks, Dad.
You know what? I was protecting you.
Okay? I got video proof
of your perfect little Brodie right here.
He's right here with
Hell
did I just delete it?
Delete what?
Deleted the video
Well, anyway. Brodie ain't shit.
Okay? He is a wolf
in skinny jeans clothing,
and he is playing you like a upright bass.
Look at this.
I don't need you to protect me.
I've been taking care of myself
for 15 years just fine.
That's how you're gonna talk to me, huh?
I was there for you three weeks
every summer and the holidays.
Well, maybe I should've
just stayed in Chicago!
Well, you ain't!
You're here!
You're in my house!
- And it's my rules.
- Okay.
- There's my Nubian queen.
- There's my soon-to-be-celibate king.
Don't even talk to me.
Why would you delete the video?
You know what I was trying to do.
You deleted that video.
You also deleted
my "Twerking While Working" video.
Okay. Guess what? It wasn't me.
That was Stacy.
But I deleted "Twerking While Working."
Anyway, Brian, listen.
I got some great news.
- I don't wanna hear it.
- [sighs]
I'm gonna take the marketing job
with you at Bay.
Oh
I was thinking about Mom and I was
thinking about how much Bay meant to her.
- Yup?
- And you're right.
- Bay should be a family business.
- Mmm
So I quit my job at Coke.
You quit? Like, quit quit?
Like, Dave Chappelle quit?
Dave Chappelle
[mimics Chappelle] "Quit"?
[mimics Chappelle] "Quit."
[in normal voice] I'm over, it's done.
- [sighs]
- [electricity crackling]
The hell is that?
Pops, what you doing?
Manny owed me some money
from our little pool game.
I will find him and I will kill him.