Dad's Army (1968) s01e04 Episode Script

Day after day, the German Luftwaffe continues to attack our shores, and day after day, the RAF takes its heavy toll.
This beautiful summer of 1940 will be remembered as Britain's finest hour, but let us not forget the men on the ground.
Apart from the regular army, there is Britain's citizen army – the Home Guard.
So far, they haven't been issued with tanks, but are they prepared to wait? Not Tommy Atkins.
What they lack in equipment, they certainly make up with ingenuity and British bulldog fighting spirit.
Watch this.
It's the latest thing in flame–throwers.
A veteran of many campaigns demonstrates the deadly effect of this weapon.
So watch out, AdolfI We're on the home ground now and, what's more, we're preparing a warm welcome.
– Bottoms! – I beg your pardon, Pike? Bottoms! Bottoms! Bottoms! Oh, and tops.
– What are you talking about? – The uniforms have arrived, sir.
– Where are they? – Mr Wilson's signing for them now, sir.
– There are 25 pairs.
– There are 17 of us.
One and a half pairs each.
– How many caps? – 16.
That's one short.
That will lead to trouble.
The fellow without a cap could get an extra pair of trousers.
What good will that do? As we only have five rifles, he could have one all the time.
That would upset the rifle rota, and that in turn would upset the water bottle rota.
I can't keep on altering all the rotas.
– No, you've taken great pains over them.
– It's time somebody else drew them up.
Take it in turns, you mean? Good idea.
Draw up a rota for it.
Sir, why don't you let me take a pair of trousers down to GHQ and I'll swap it for another cap.
That's a very good idea.
– It's nearly 5.
30.
0ff you go.
– A good idea, Pike.
– Where are you going? It's only 5.
15! – You can go, too.
Thank you very much, sir.
Miss King, draw those blinds on your way out, will you? Let's sort these trousers out.
– T.
T.
F.
N! – Goodnight, Miss King.
Is it fair that we should choose ours before the others get a chance? It's not a question of choosing them.
It's a question of making sure you get a good fit.
I suppose so.
There aren't really any sizes on them.
They seem to be all right.
– I think I've got these on back to front.
– Mine are the same.
– There's no fly.
– No fly? – It's quite all right.
They're at the side.
– At the side? How inconvenient.
Mainwaring here.
Yes.
Yes.
What? I see.
Thank you very much indeed.
– These are not intended for us.
– Who were they intended for? The ATS.
At ease, everybody.
Squad.
Squad, 'shun! Slope arms.
One, two, three.
One.
One.
Pass them back.
Centre rank.
Centre rank.
Slope arms.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
The men are ready for your inspection, sir.
– You've missed a rank out.
– I'm sorry.
Rear rank.
Slope arms.
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
– The men are now ready, sir.
– Order arms.
Stand the men at ease.
– It was a waste of time, wasn't it? – Wilson! All right.
Order arms! One, two, three.
One, two, three.
One.
One! Stand at ease.
We've got some good news today, men.
We've had an issue of field service caps.
After the command "fall out", collect your caps from Lance Corporal Jones and gather round for a lecture.
Platoon, fall out! Six and seven eighths.
– They're large, medium or small.
– I'll have a large.
– Here you are, big head.
– I'm the same.
– One small one, please.
– There you are.
– Which side do you put them on? – On the right side.
Like that.
– Does it suit me? – If you're retreating.
You've got it back to front.
Do you expect me to stick that thing on my head? You can stick it where you like, Mr Frazer.
I'm just the man that gives them out.
Pay attention.
Gather round.
Come along.
Quickly.
Now, let's sum up our situation.
In spite of shortages, we've made ourselves into a compact, fighting unit.
We have five rifles, ten rounds of ammunition for each rifle, four water bottles and now we've got a cap each not to mention the equipment we've improvised for ourselves.
Quite an advance on the early days, eh? Today I want to deal with enemy agents.
They're being dropped all over the place in various disguises – nuns, priests, peasants, police Some of them might even be disguised as British army officers.
They'll give you stupid instructions.
Then how do you tell the difference? Use your head, Frazer.
You can always tell when a man is really British.
Excuse, please.
Is this the HQ of the First Platoon, B Company Home Guard? Yes, it is.
What can we do for you? I'm from HQ Area Command.
– I should like to ask a few questions.
– Certainly, Captain.
Corporal, carry on with rifle maintenance.
What did you want to know, sir? – I want to know what weapons you have.
– Well, at the moment Just a moment, sir.
Excuse me, Captain, for one second.
– How do we know he's not a German spy? – Of course he isn't.
– He's in a British army officer's uniform.
– The accent doesn't match the uniform.
Don't let's be snobbish.
He doesn't have to be a public–school man to hold a commission.
Look at his cheek.
He's got a duelling scar.
There were some pretty rum goings–on in Oxford in the '20s, you know.
You may be right.
If you are, I'll soon put a stop to his little game.
– You want to know what weapons we have? – That is right.
Right.
Frazer.
We have this for a start.
– Get your hands up.
– I beg your pardon? – Get 'em up! – But I don't Corporal, cover this man.
– Be silent.
Get your hands up! – Now, look here – What do we do now? – How about a staff meeting? Good idea.
Corporal Jones.
– We don't want any "Ja" and "Nein".
– Corporal! Yes, sir! Hang on to this.
If he as much as bats an eye, let him have it right up.
I just showed him the cold steel.
It never fails.
They don't like it up 'em.
– Control yourself.
– It's going into action after all these years.
We ought to make sure he is a Nazi before we hand him to the authorities.
There's only one thing to do.
We must grill him.
Over a slow fire.
That'd make him talk, sir.
We did that in the Sudan.
– In the Sudan we done that, sir.
– Pull yourself together.
We're not savages.
Everything will be done according to the Geneva Convention.
What does it say here? Here we are.
"Interrogation of enemy suspects.
" Ah! Pronunciation test.
Say after me a few simple English words.
– A few simple English words.
– I haven't started yet.
– Now, say "soothe".
– "Suthe.
" – Wrong.
– Wronck.
– "Retch.
" – "Retch.
" – "Rats.
" – "Retz.
" – No.
"Rats.
" – I said, "Retz".
– "Those.
" – "Thoz.
" What would you do if Mrs? What would Mrs Mop say to you? She would say, "Can I do you now, sir?" Here's a good one, sir.
Who won the boat race in 1935? – Cambridge.
– He's right.
– It was raining at the time.
– Was it? Look here.
Who the hell are you? I'm Captain Winogrodzki from the Polish Free Forces attached to GHQ.
Why didn't you say so in the first place? We're sorry.
It was an understandable mistake.
I would call it a stupid mistake! Now, as you know, meny German airmen from creshed planes are lending everywhere.
However, the area commander is a leetle anxious in case any British pilots are shot by meestake.
It has not happened so far, but a steech in time savessomething.
– Nine.
– Nein? A stitch in time saves Oh, never mind.
So he has issued an order that lone parachutists are not to be shot down before they have a chance to dis–clos themselves.
Furthermore, a bounty of ten pounds will be paid for every Nazi airman captured alive and in good condition.
That is all.
Good day to you, Captain! Do you hear that? Ten quid for every Nazi airman caught in good nick.
– Jonesy, come here.
We're on patrol tonight.
– That's right.
You want to keep your eyes open.
Bring your reading glasses.
Here, watch it! Hang on a tick.
My feet are killing me.
– Put that light out! – What's the matter with you? A sniper might see it.
What are you talking about? There's no snipers around here.
– You're not in the flipping Sudan.
– Good job, too.
You wouldn't last five minutes.
I'd shoot fuzzy–wuzzies just the same as you.
The poor blighters only had spears.
It wasn't just fuzzy–wuzzies.
It was flies and dysentery and malaria and gippy tummy.
– You should have packed it up, then.
– We didn't.
We was soldiers.
There's a field marshal's baton in every knapsack.
Sounds as if you'd have been better off with a bedpan.
– Achtung! – Don't do that! You could frighten the life out of him at his time of life.
It wasn't me, it was you.
You nearly jumped out of your trousers.
I could have shot you.
You're supposed to keep a look–out like soldiers, not talk like old women.
You will be reported for slacking.
Names? – Jones, sir.
– Pike, sir.
– Smith.
– Walker! Thanks very much! It is no use you try and give me falsies.
I will remember you all.
You are the baby.
You are the old grandpa.
And you are the one that jumped out of his trousers.
Wake up your ideas! He's not supposed to talk to an NCO like that in front of his men.
– It's against Queen's regs, that is.
– King's regs, you silly old muffin.
– What time do you make it? – Half past one.
Another hour and a half.
Let's go.
There won't be any German planes tonight.
Why'd you have to open your big mouth? Mr Jonescan you hear a plane coming? Yes.
If it comes any lower, I'll give him one right in the seat of his Heinkel, I will.
Watch out.
He's coming this way.
You cowardly bastards! Sounds like one of ours.
Bravo, lads! Well done! – That wasn't one of ours! – I think that dropped over in that copse wood.
The searchlights are after him.
You're a bit late, mate! They're machine–gunning us! Machine–gunning innocent women and children! They don't care, you know.
It's one of our fighters machine–gunning him.
Well done, lad! Get a move on! They'll soon be off home now.
They just get a smell of one of our fighters and they're off home.
You cowardly Boche! – Mr Jones – What? What's that white thing floating down? Oh, my gawd! – It's a parachute! – Shall I fire? No, remember what the Captain said.
We've got to wait to see if he exposes himself first.
It might be one of ours, see.
He's landed in the water.
Halt! Surrender or we fire! Say if you're a German! Say if you're British! If you are, say so! – Can you see anything? – No.
It's too dark.
– Can you see, lad? – Yeah, I can.
It's coming towards us.
– I think I ought to fire, Mr Jones.
– Wait.
I'll give you one more chance.
Surrender or we fire! Go on, then.
Squeeze.
Blimey! He's taking off again! It must be a secret weapon.
– No, it's his spirit rising up again.
– No.
There's something white floating in the water.
I think I've killed him, Mr Jones.
Oh, blimey! There goes our ten quid! Go and fetch him.
Go and fetch him, Private.
Go on.
– Well, that's nice, innit (?) – Go on.
– Oh, blimey! – What's up? You've shot a bleeding swan! Killing swans is against the law, isn't it? Yes, that's serious, that is.
All swans belong to the king.
– What are we going to do with him? – Take him home.
I'm gonna pluck it, dress it, then have him with some roast potatoes and Brussels.
– What about the king? – He's always eating it.
– We ought to report it.
– Do you want your share or not? – Course I do.
– Shut up, then.
We'll pick it up later.
All right.
I still think you ought to report it, Joe.
"I still think you ought to report it, Joe.
" You miserable old goat! – Who are you? – Luftwaffe.
Luft–waffy? You're Nazis, you are.
Get back! I've got a couple of Germans here! A couple of Jerrys.
Blimey! 20 quid's worth! – What do you mean? – Ten quid for every German in good nick.
– How are we gonna get them along? – Cut their trouser buttons off.
Hang on to this.
Wait a minute Careful! I'm not sure how far you're going.
That's 'cause I haven't made up me mind yet.
Oi! Stick 'em up! Over your head.
Hands up.
March! – Come on! Keep 'em, covered, Spikey! – Why is it always me? Go on! Oi! You go next.
– Why? – I'll feel safer.
– Are you there, Wilson? I'm coming in.
– Good.
Always glad to see you, sir.
– Put the light out! – I'm so sorry.
Just a minute.
Hang on.
– There we are, sir.
You can come in now.
– The damn door's locked! I'll unlock it for you, sir.
Blast! – What's the matter? – Can't find the key.
Put the light on, find the key, put the light off and then open the door.
– I can't find the light! – This is ludicrous! It's by the wireless.
Got it.
Clever me.
I can see the key quite clearly, sir.
Hang on.
I'll be with you in a moment.
You can come in.
– Are you there, sir? – No, I'm here.
I came round the other way.
Put the light off! – Is it shut? – Yes.
Must get some light traps – blankets or something.
– Is anything happening out there, sir? – They're combing the sky with searchlights.
Sir! Permission to speak, sir! We've captured a couple of Jerry parachuters.
– What?! – Showed them the cold steel.
They come quiet as mouses.
They don't like it up 'em, you know, sir.
– Heil Hitler! – None of that.
Pike! Godfrey! I don't know what you're saying, but you're my prisoners.
Behave yourselves and everything will be all right.
Any Nazi tricks, I won't answer for the consequences.
We must ring headquarters.
Guard them well, Pike, Godfrey.
Walker, Jones, make a report.
A splendid evening's work.
Marvellous.
Well done, Jones and Walker.
– Just wait till GHQ hears about this.
– Don't forget about the 20 quid.
Hello? – This thing's dead.
– I know.
– They cut it off.
– Cut it off? Very good, sir! I'll explain to him, sir.
– The bill wasn't paid so they cut it off.
– Don't they know there's a war on? – We're a military unit.
– The vicar can't afford to pay it.
– Why? – Because of the invasion scare.
He's had to put a stop to his campanology.
He can't ring his bell, sir.
– So? – The vicar edits the "Ring–a–Ding Monthly".
They've stopped publication, so his income's dropped.
I have two valuable prisoners and my communications have been severed.
Permission to speak, sir! I can telephone them up from my shop, sir.
Good man, Jones.
Off you go.
Mind the lights! – It's too late now, Walker.
Put it on again.
– The lights! – Permission to speak.
– Of course, blast you! – There's no need to talk to him like that.
– It's all right.
– Captain Mainwaring meant no offence.
– What's the matter? I don't know GHQ's telephone number.
Well, why don't? No, of course you don't.
Sorry, Jones.
You've done very well tonight.
I'm proud of you.
With men like you about, Britain has no need to fear.
Thank you.
I'll bring you half a pound of liver later on.
Don't waste any more time.
Lights! – Lights! – Who's in charge here? – Captain Mainwaring here.
– Oh, it's you.
Look here.
If I have any more trouble with this place, I shall remove your bulb, understand? You don't have the authority to lay one finger on it.
Enemy aircraft are circling overhead.
They've fired several haystacks.
If I didn't know otherwise, I'd say you were signalling to the enemy.
I know you've a job to do, but aren't you going a little too far? I have two enemy airmen out there in the hall.
I don't care if you've got Goering and Goebbels out there.
Put this light out or I shall extinguish it meself! – Get off my premises.
– I'm going, but I've warned you and you! Mind the light! Has anybody interrogated those two in case there are more of them? Not as far as I know.
– Where are they? – They went outside with Mr Godfrey, sir.
Went outside? What on earth for? They wanted a tinkle, sir.
– That's what me mum calls it.
– When she says "tinkle", she means – I know what she means! – He took his rifle.
They shouldn't be long.
Mind you, they've been gone quite a while.
– I say, have they come back? – No, Mr Godfrey.
– Oh, the rotters! – Godfrey, come here! Get after them.
Take whoever's on guard with you.
Come here, Godfrey.
What happened? The foreign gentlemen wanted to wash their hands.
– Why didn't you tell them they couldn't? – We're not beasts, are we, sir? – Go on.
– I took them to the outside convenience.
I shoved one down the spout.
– One of the Germans? – No, sir.
A bullet, sir.
It was very dark at the time, but I kept as close to them as I could in the circumstances.
– You went in with them? – No, they locked the door.
– Didn't you think that was suspicious? – No.
I usually lock the door myself.
– Go on.
– They seemed to be taking a long time so I coughed to give them a kind of hint.
Coughed (!) You should have done a damn sight more than cough! I called to them.
When they didn't answer, I went to the window at the back.
– Which was open? – No.
It was closed and barred.
– How did they get out? – While I was at the little window at the back I assume that they slipped out the little door in the front.
Holy suffering cats! – Any sign of them? – I haven't really looked.
– I forgot my rifle.
It's awfully stupid of me.
– Get after them! And you, Pike! The MPs will be here any minute to collect them.
I'll look a right fool! – I'll ring 'em and say it's all a practical joke.
– We're the practical joke, Walker.
Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, halt! They're back! I've just recaptured these men who say they've escaped from your custody.
– Is that correct? – Yes, I'm afraid it is.
I don't know what sort of an army you are in, Captain, but I don't think it is the same as mine.
I've no difficulty in surprising your patrols.
You have no guard outside your headquarters.
The ARP complains that you are signalling to the enemy, and now you allow prisoners to escape! All these inefficiencies will be reported! Furthermore, I shall claim the bounty for these men myself.
I see.
I think your attitude's a little high–handed, to say the least.
If you have any further comments, I'll be in my room.
Good.
That will leave me free to interrogate these men.
– See they're well covered, Walker.
– Huh (!) – Got some Jerry prisoners here, mister? – That's right.
There they are.
Blimey! Three of them.
I thought he said two.
– Must have been a bad line.
– No Yeah.
It must have been.
All right, you lot.
Outside in the van.
Oi! Outside in the van.
Eh, Bob, this one's dressed as a British officer! I am a British officer, you fool! You don't sound like one, does he, Bob? Did he come with the others? Eryeah, as a matter of fact, he did.
Listen, I'm a British officer attached to HQ Area Command.
– He's got a gun! Get it off him.
– What are you doing? – You shouldn't have let him keep it.
– Sorry.
I'm new to this game.
Look, I'm a British officer.
Here are my papers.
Here is my identity card, my railway warrant to London for my leave tomorrow, and here is a letter from the lady I am going to see in Golders Green.
– Bob, what do you think? – You've got to hand it to these people.
– They're very thorough.
– Yeah.
Yeah, you're darned right.
– Outside in the van with him.
– I protest! You are making a mistake! Can I do you now, sir? Cambridge won the boat race in 1935! They don't know when they're beat.
Just putting the Jerrys in the van.
There's your receipt.
Take that to your brigade HQ, and you'll get 30 quid bounty.
– 30 pounds? – That's right.
Three prisoners, 30 pounds.
Goodnight, sir.
Three prisoners? Ah, wellwe had a stroke of luck, sir.
Another one turned up.
How did you persuade the captain to give his share up? He persuaded himself, sir.
There's your liver, sir, and there's a couple of kidneys to make up the weight, sir.
I'll get you some chops for a nice mixed grill.
– They've disappeared into thin air.
– You're too late.
I've dealt with all that.
They're on their way to headquarters, plus another one that Walker rounded up.
Don't tell me you're getting THEM on the black market an' all! There they go.
– Wellquite an eventful evening.
– Very good, yes.
I say, as we got an extra L10, why don't we spend L5 of it on a celebration platoon dinner? – Good idea, sir.
– Would you like to order now, sir? For a fiver, I could rustle you up a medieval dinner.
– What's that? – A very rare luxury, sir.
Roast swan.