Dag (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Stop ringing!
God damn it!
- This is Dag.
- It's Malin.
- What are you doing?
- I'm multi-tasking.
- You have to come in.
- You said I had no clients.
- And now you're fully booked.
- How come?
It war that ad I talked about.
- How long have I got?
- No one's fighting yet, -
- but I would get a move on.
Hold off on the espresso.
At twelve one Thursday,
the hour hand starts leaving
just a black trace.
Everything can be fixed.
Nice espresso.
- Not too strong?
- No, just right.
Have we paid a hundred bucks
an hour to watch you read the paper?
- Indoor voice, Torfinn.
- I must be allowed to say something.
It war your idea to come here,
and then you just sit there.
And this guy cunts his minutes
whilst reading the paper.
- He pulled at my bra.
- He started it.
I see we have a lot
to work with here.
Where should we begin?
Is it the wardrobe, the sex, lies?
- I'm not into women.
- Since when am I a woman?
Just look at yourself.
- There's no shame in looking good.
- Dressing up like a Polish maid, -
- is not looking good.
You slut.
OK, I'll change, and then you
can see how he'd like me to look.
- How's the rest of the day looking?
- Fully booked.
- Great.
There. This is what
he wants me to look like.
Not in public, that'd be awkward.
But at home, you can't keep him away.
But you like wearing a dress.
Pippi Longstocking
is the only girl I want to fuck.
It's so humiliating to walk
around in huge shoes -
- when I actually have
really dainty feet.
- That's enough.
- No.
- Yes!
- No!
Dag, you know I hate interrupting.
Marianne was just here.
- She's waiting for you in the park.
- All right. Give me a sec.
Being gay means that you're proud, -
- and accepting of differences. Everyone is
unique, and you have the balls to be so.
So give Sven some credit
for being a first edition.
And you Just try a bit harder.
Shave, use make-up, go shopping.
Anything, just a little better.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it wasn't
Dame Edna you came out of the closet for?
I'll be right back.
Give them two espressos. Maybe
they kill each other before I'm back.
- The park?
- Yes.
- Sister.
- Brother.
- Anything I can do?
- I just wanted to say hi.
- Hi.
- They make good coffee.
I know.
Did you ask me here to tell me that?
Yes No.
- Theo moved out.
- Great.
Or, rather, it will take
a bit of getting used to.
One day they're tiny, and
all of a sudden you're redundant.
I've always thought that
now I get to be Marianne, -
- not just Mum.
Imagine going on a date and
saying you have a 17-year old son.
And spend two years of your life
getting to know someone.
Say something!
Getting to know someone
works both ways.
Coming from you.
Could you teach me
to be alone?
To not need anyone?
To be an emotionally numb fortress?
- Teach me to be alone, Dag.
- You don't want that.
Don't tell me what I want
or don't want.
The dates you've set me up with, -
- you've done it to prove it works. That
there's someone out there for everyone.
Now it's your turn. I'll spare
you my phonebook, -
- as it's lean and mean.
You'll get out there, and someone
will realise how great you are.
- You're just scared.
- You know what, Dag?
I want to be on my own.
I'll stop by after work.
What? You're coming to visit?
There's a first time for everything.
You remember dad's birthday, right?
- Already?
- He's turning 75.
He doesn't think it's worth celebrating.
75?
- That's a round number.
- Not to him.
- So there, it's all in the genes.
- I guess so.
- See you.
- Bye.
Benedikt?
- Has he been here long?
- He walked right into the door.
- A couple of times.
- Sit down.
- What the hell happened?
- They're trying to fucking kill me.
Mia, her brothers,
the whole fucking Balkans.
Even the dog took a bite.
- Calm down.
- Calm down? Mia descends from -
- 11 generations of
Serbian butchers!
They're not trying to kill you.
Listen. They've been chopping
things since starting school.
When Mia turned 4,
they gave her a band saw!
And her brothers are ten times worse!
In forth grade,
for show-and-tell, Dragan, -
- wasn't that into
stamps or coins.
Nobody knew where they came from.
He refused to say.
They were all left feet, Dag.
How sick is that?
- Did they do this to you?
- What do you mean?
- Have you looked in the mirror?
- No, I can't.
- It's a side-effect of the Ritalin.
Can't see a thing.
- Ritalin?
- It was all I had.
- You don't have ADHD.
- I know. Hence the side-effects.
I was hit by the taxi
I tried to hail.
Speaking of taxis,
could you call one for me?
Listen, talk to Mia.
This can't go on.
They want me to sign
the damn paternity papers.
- And you are the father!
- Are we entirely sure about that?
Entirely sure.
Sleep it off, and stop experimenting
with other people's medicines.
Here you go.
Call a taxi for Andrea Bocelli.
The ad really worked, Dag.
Jesus Christ.
Just cancel Bozo and Gacy.
I've had enough morons for one day.
- Are they still in there?
- Yes, -
- but it's been very quiet
for a while.
- They've made up?
- You could say that.
Where do we keep
the furniture cleaner?
You must be loving this.
- Hello?
- Theo just showed me on the internet.
Search for "spaztic MILF" on YouTube,
it gets a little
I just thought I should tell you.
- Who is it?
- Is Mads there?
- Just a minute.
- Thanks.
Who are you?
Don't you recognise me?
- Oh, shit.
- Relax, I won't hurt you.
- What's going on here?
- Hi, my name is Eva.
Or "spaztic MILF",
as your son calls me.
Should we go for a walk, Mads?
We'll talk about it later.
- Don't be so nervous.
- I can remove
It's all right.
I was actually quite flattered. You and
your buddies spent all those hours -
- on a woman twice your age.
It was so flattering that I
couldn't stop thinking about you.
What are you doing?
What do you think?
Someone might come.
Just close your eyes.
Don't worry.
Don't look.
Did you enjoy watching me dance?
Did you like filming it?
Spaztic MILF. Was it you idea
to post it on the web.
Sending it to all your spotty,
miserable teenagers, -
- and talk about the old chick
who thinks she's still got it?
What have you done?
What the fuck?
Goddamn whore!
Don't call me a whore.
Oh my good, I'm so dizzy
It's open.
- You leave it open?
- Yes.
- Should I lock it?
- Feel free.
- So, this is how you live?
- Dag, I've lived here for 16 years.
It's been that long
- Feeling any better?
- A little.
Self-pity isn't all that charming.
The first time I got
my own place, -
- I sat in the middle of the floor,
with all belongings in a bin bag, -
- and all I could think was "Yes!".
But now, there's nobody
to wait for anymore.
You're the best mum in the world.
I'm sure Theo thinks the same.
Better than our mum?
- Have you talked to dad?
- He doesn't answer the phone.
- He doesn't want to celebrate.
- No one should be alone on their birthday.
You're lonely against your will.
He's choosing to be alone.
- But it's not healthy!
- You wanted it a few hours ago.
Can you at least sit down?
We are all responsible
for our own lives.
There's just this little stretch
between birth and death.
The only one
you answer to is yourself.
As long as you don't
hurt anyone else, your only job -
- is to be as happy
as you possibly can.
If he doesn't want to celebrate,
we need to respect that.
- He didn't use to be like this.
- Yes, he did.
But he lived with someone,
which only makes it worse.
Don't you remember Friday nights?
They were married for 35 years.
They stuck it out, no matter what.
- That's love.
- No, that's not love.
That's just habit
and fear of being alone.
They got together because of love,
and stayed together because of kids.
And after that,
they just coexisted.
If you, like mum, live to be 70, -
- you've wasted three quarters of
your life on an empty relationship.
Just because that's what you feel
is expected of you.
Can't we just drop by?
Bring a present.
We don't need to celebrate,
just show him we're there for him.
- He's got no one else.
- Sure. Why not.
I'm glad I have you, you know.
- Yes.
- Yes.
I've got some ex-clients
I could fix you up with.
- Single, obviously.
- No thanks.
- Bergersen?
- Go away.
- Did you fall?
- I said, go away!
One step closer, and I'll scream.
- I have to help you.
- Homo in the house! Homo in the house!
Homo in the house!
Philip Roth said it best:
"Old age is a massacre".
What's Bergersen's motivation?
What keeps him from putting -
- a shotgun to his lips,
and sucking on both barrels -
- like en infant at a full breast.
Men don't develop new muscle cells
after they've turned 30.
We can only grow the ones we have in
size, while they're constantly dying.
So Bergersen's body massacre has been
going on for close to 50 years.
He's not bitter. Bitterness requires
a partner, and he lives alone.
He's not happy.
He's pissed off.
His anger keeps the fire going in his
dying steam engine of an old body.
In about 40 years,
I'll be Bergersen's age.
My own massacre
has been going on for years.
I've just refused
to follow the news bulletins.
- Hey there.
- Am I disturbing you?
Can a disturbed man be disturbed?
Interesting question.
Minus and minus is plus, right?
I've just had a long day.
I've got a water leak
in my apartment.
I'd lend you my towel,
but that may be a bad idea
They'll fix it in a few days, but
I'm going to have
to ask you a favour.
Money? Money's not an issue.
Business has really picked lately.
No, it's worse than that.
You're not making this very easy.
I won't be able to pay you back.
So, your couch? Is it available?
- When I'm not sitting on it, it is.
- Jesus Christ.
I know I'm supposed to say yes,
but can't you stay with Marianne?
She said her place feels empty.
She's learning to become a "fortress
against an eternity of darkness".
- Does that ring a bell?
- It does. A mid-life crisis.
- But not yours?
- I finished mine alone in the dark.
Please don't make me beg.
I feel old, tired and empty.
- Can I crash on your couch for a few days?
- Of course you can.
- Come on in.
- Thanks.
There's a hook for your jacket.
If you could take your shoes off
Actually, it's not that important.
In the morning,
I'll come out of my bedroom, -
- through the living room,
into the kitchen Just after 8.
I'm not a big fan of
If there's a DVD inside,
please don't take it out, -
- because it remembers
where it was if I stopped it
Of course.
- Wine?
- Yes, please.
Feel free to use
the massage belt.
I have some wet wipes somewhere
that you can use
To wipe You know, if you use it.
I'll keep that in mind.
I'll get you a pillow and a duvet.
- Thank you.
- I'll be a while.
OK.
OK.
Life is long.
A week is nothing.
This will be fine, Dag.
It will be fine.