Dan Vs. (2010) s01e04 Episode Script

No, you shut up! Shut up! What are you, stupid? I said shut up! Okay, bye, Grandma.
Hey, Dan.
I thought you were ditching me for Elise today.
She's building a code-breaking supercomputer for the NSA.
To spy on Finland? - I don't think so.
- What a waste of time.
Elise's birthday's coming up.
You got that 20 bucks you owe me? Make her buy her own present! Yeah, that's what we did last year.
You said you'd pay me back this time.
You'll have to speak with my attorney.
Dan, this is not a legal matter.
I'm not suing you.
I just want my money.
Well, then you'll have to speak with my accountant.
Hey, that's a cute bear.
Where'd you get it? The last time I was at the dentist's.
I had a root canal.
They gave me that bear to make me stop screaming.
Didn't work.
Don't you have to have your permanent teeth before they can give you a root canal? That's what I said! But the dentist bamboozled my parents with his fancy medical jargon.
Tell you what, I'll take this bear, give it to Elise, and we'll call it even.
- No! Give it back! Let go! This bear has sentimental value! This bear is payment of debt! Dan, your tooth! You're going to have to go to the DENTIST!!! Stupid dentist! He did this on purpose! What a jerk! - He'll get his! - Right now? Of course not right now, I'm in horrible pain! Okay, but I don't see how this is the dentist's fault.
Obviously he gave me the teddy bear because he knew this would happen! He knew you'd break your tooth on it? How? Don't you get it? It's part of his plot to keep me coming back! - Decades later? - He's a long-term strategist.
And he's playing fourth-dimensional chess, and we're his ball of string.
I think you're mixing up games.
Go fish! I'm in horrible pain! Well, it worked.
I mean, you've got to see a dentist about your tooth.
- And play into their hands? - What other option do you have? - We're going to fix it ourselves.
- We? You mostly.
I can't see inside my own mouth.
- I'm not a dentist.
- Exactly.
So I can trust you.
Kind of.
I'm not putting my hand in your mouth.
You're a biter.
You're helping, so shut up! Are you sure you want me to use a hot glue gun on your mouth? For the umpteenth time, yes! You're overthinking! How else are we going to stick this thing back on? It says, "Not for use on human tissue.
" That's just lawyer talk.
They have to say that so nobody does anything stupid.
Now glue my tooth back into my mouth! Okay, glue's ready.
One, two I think you melted my face off! Don't be silly.
You moved before any glue came out.
Oh, okay.
Well, that was a good test run.
Let's do it for real this time.
Where's the tooth? I swallowed it.
So how do we-- We wait! And then you'll have to Yeah, I don't really want to.
Fine! So we'll use something else, you big baby! Okay, okay! I'm going to call Elise.
I once saw her perform an emergency tracheotomy with nothing but her thumbnail and a bendy straw.
- Hello? - Hey, gorgeous.
Oh, come on! Stop making kissy face and help me! - Quiet.
- What's up? Uh, just a quick question.
If something breaks, what's the best way to fix it? That depends.
What's broken? Hypothetically Dan's tooth.
Only we can't find all the pieces anymore.
- Of course.
- Did she say something disparaging? Shh.
So, any recommendations? - Yes, go to the dentist.
- I suggested that.
Dan won't do it.
- What is she saying? - She says go to the dentist.
Ugh! That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard! - I thought you said she was smart.
- Hey! Shh.
Don't shush me, I'm the victim here! Shush you! He won't go.
And he's usually so logical.
So maybe we could glue a fake tooth in there or something? What is this, the Dark Ages? You gonna bleed him with leeches next? - Would leeches help? - Chris! - No leeches.
- No leeches! Fine.
No, fine.
And don't put your fingers in Dan's mouth, it's filthy in there.
I guess.
So how's your supercomputer coming? Almost finished.
I rented us "Chainsaw Bloodbath" for later.
Oh, I thought we were renting a romantic comedy.
- This looked more fun.
- Great.
"Chainsaw Bloodbath.
" Can't wait.
You should really tell her those movies give you nightmares.
- I know.
- So what'd she say? She can't help.
She says you need a dentist.
I knew it! Girls are awful! I hate everyone! This oughta do.
Let's glue it in.
- It's stuck.
- Force it! Okay.
What are you, psycho?! - You said-- - Forget it! I never thought it would come to this.
Drive me to the dentist! I can't believe you were going to hit me in the face with a hammer! Wait.
- This is a children's dentist's office.
- Children have teeth.
That one doesn't.
Look, I go to the dentist every other decade or so.
Last time, I was a kid.
Then why are you going to the same dentist? I thought you hated him.
- I do, but he's-- He's all I know.
Hey, Danny, welcome back.
Let's update your forms.
It's Dan, and I'm a grown man with grown man needs.
Hey, I'll be over here.
- She was cute.
- She hates me.
- Were you rude to her? - No! - A little.
- Only a little? Wow, that's a big step for you.
You should ask her out.
Absolutely not! She's in league with the devil! AKA, my dentist.
Danny, we're ready for you now.
Call me Danny again, and you'll be sorrier than you've ever been in your miserable, worthless, tooth-scraping life.
- Your son is weird.
- He really is.
Unhand me, wench! Sir, please quit struggling.
Why, so you can put me under and steal my kidneys? I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub full of ice.
Well, hello, Danny.
Nice to see you again.
- You! - Shall we take a looksee? You can take a looksee at my fist, toothjacker.
Now, let's just calm down.
I promise I'll only look, okay? Oh, dear.
Been some time since you've been in for a visit.
How'd you break your tooth? You know darn well it was your trap bear.
Well, let's start with a simple cleaning.
It won't hurt a bit, I promise.
Wait! No, no! Get away from me! Oh, my goodness! Ow! Help! Chris, save me! Mama, I'm scared! No, no, I'm sure he's fine, dear.
Oh! Please, just kill me! Chris, help! I'm not going in there! Oh, it burns! It burns! - How's it going? - We haven't done anything yet.
Haven't even touched him! I know what you're planning! Chris, quick! Knock him unconscious! Hey, wanna go to a movie with me? - Was he like that last time? - He was smaller.
Well, that was one of the worst experiences in my lifetime of bad experiences.
You were unconscious for most of it.
I had nightmares the whole time.
It was horrible.
I dreamt I was at the dentist's office getting my teeth fixed.
At least your tooth is fixed.
Oh, before I forget, the hygienist said you have to come back next week.
- What? - Yeah, apparently you have a cavity they couldn't fill before the gas wore off.
Oh! Now do you see what the dentist does? Fix teeth? He fixes teeth, Dan.
Every time he fixes something, he breaks something else, Iike a crooked auto mechanic.
It's how he keeps people coming back.
You haven't been back since you learned to tie your shoes.
And now twice in one week! - Don't you think that's suspicious? - Not really.
Well, it is! And I'm gonna get him for it! Oh, what's your plan? We're gonna kidnap the dentist.
Then you're gonna hold him down while I drill a hole in his face! Wow, I am so not okay with that.
Oh, come on.
You said you'd help.
Look, I'm watching a movie with Elise in, like, an hour.
- Can I drop you off at home? - Quisling.
If I knew what that meant, would I be offended? Probably.
Are you sure you're enjoying this? It's a guy with a chainsaw in an orphanage, what's not to-- Whoa, Momma! That's a lot of blood.
What was that? Is there something in the tree? It's Dan.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
Chris.
- Chris! - Can I help you, Dan? - No, I need Chris.
- Dan, we're watching a movie.
She's watching a movie, you're shaking like a Chihuahua.
She's watching a movie, you're shaking like a Chihuahua! - Am not.
- You were trembling, honey.
But it was a very manly tremble.
Look, I can prove that my dentist is evil, but I need your help.
You should go, you weren't enjoying the movie anyway.
- Really? - Just don't do anything illegal.
Of course we wouldn't.
- Promise? - I promise.
I promised Elise we wouldn't do anything illegal.
Why would you lie to your wife like that? - You said-- - Shh! Come on, and try not to make any noise.
Let me see the toolbox.
Are you going to try and pry the door open? 'Cause it might make a lot of noise, and I'm worried that-- Okay, Dan.
You can stop now.
That's big enough to crawl through.
Are you done? Let's go.
You think you broke enough glass, Dan? Wait.
- What are you doing? - Looking for laser beams.
That's why I keep this deodorant around.
You ever think you might have more luck with girls if you used it on yourself? Stop it! What? Well, what do you think the SV stands for? What do you think it stands for? "Supervillain.
" Oh, he's not a supervillain, Dan.
You're being ridiculous.
Oh, so you're the expert on supervillains now.
Hand me the crowbar.
Or we could just What kind of supervillain leaves his door unlocked? Fine, we'll break it on the way out.
Here we go, my dental records.
Wow, that's some bad handwriting.
- It's not handwriting, it's code.
- I don't think so.
What is it? Ah! - Whoa.
- It's still in code, though.
Hmm, I can't crack it.
We need someone smart.
Who's smarter than us? Sure, no problem.
It'll take about a minute.
Lucky for you the NSA doesn't pick this baby up until Monday.
Dan, do you have something to say to Elise? Thank you.
Hmm, it's a record of dental procedures, but you're right, Dan.
Every time a patient goes in, the dentist does something that will force them to come back.
Look right here.
Here's where he fixed your tooth, but here's where he drilled a cavity while you were under the anesthetic.
I knew it.
I knew it! Now will you help me drill a hole in his face? Okay.
After him! Now we've got him! He's gone! You're not thinking like a supervillain! He's not a supervillain! I'm sure that's something all dentists have.
He's getting-- ah! He's getting aw-- ah! - He's getting away.
- Ah! He's getting away! To the car-mobile! I've always wanted to do that! - He's almost to the highway! - Get him! That's just great.
I can't believe you lost him! Nice driving! He's gotta be around here somewhere.
Hmm, maybe in that giant tooth.
It's a molar.
I bet it's because of the whole dentist thing.
You think? So when do you want to apologize? - Apologize for what? - "He's not a supervillain, Dan.
- You're being ridiculous.
" - That doesn't even sound like me! He escaped in a supercar and fled to his desert superfortress.
So, maybe he's - I think he's a supervillain.
- And? And you were right and I was wrong.
As we've all come to expect.
Let's go.
Let's go? I just admitted he's a supervillain.
This is way out of our league.
We need to call the cops.
The cops don't take my calls anymore.
- Besides, we got this.
- There's no door.
No problem.
Dan, watch out! Dentobots! Open wide! The door! - What is this stuff? - It's dental floss.
What's that? Hit him! That was so stupid.
I'm in so much pain right now! Dan, finish it! Rinse that out and spit.
Look out! Stop right there, madman! Try a little Novocain! Oh, no, I'm going numb.
Now you're gonna get it! Not likely, I'm afraid.
I call this the excruciator! Did you really think you could stop me with brute force? I had a feeling about you, Danny.
It's Dan.
I'm a grown man with a grown man's needs.
While you were under sedation, I put a device in your dental implant.
I can cause you excruciating agony - any time I want.
- You jerk! Whoo-hoo! It's one of my many inventions.
I believe you're familiar with my enamel-seeking teddy bear.
At any rate, I built this base as a test facility for my latest project.
You see, I want even more than to just cause pain to countless children.
Chris, get up! I can't, I'm all floppy.
My new device, built as the heart of this fortress, will allow me to control the mind of anyone who's ever had a filling, crown, root canal, or bridge! It will be finished tomorrow, and then I shall rule the world! And now our little game has come to an end.
For what's it worth, you were the only one to figure me out.
It's a shame I must destroy you now.
Goodbye, Danny! The name is Dan! Ha! Brought low by your own nefarious device! My teeth! My beautiful teeth! No! Self-destruct activated.
- 5, 4, 3 - Ow, ooh, ow! - You're so heavy.
- Sorry.
Have a nice day, goodbye.
Now that's what I call tooth decay! I can't believe you're making me drive us home.
I still can't move.
What if I'm completely numb for the rest of my life? - Pinch.
- Ow.
See, you're getting better, buddy.
Hooray.
Hey, you.
I rented us another movie.
It's been a rough day.
I don't know if I'm up for "Chainsaw Bloodbath 2.
" That's what I figured.
Ah, you're the greatest.
All my work, for nothing! DAN!!!