Danger Mouse (2015) s01e04 Episode Script
Planet of the Toilets
1 # He's the greatest He's fantastic # Wherever there is danger he'll be there # He's the ace The ace! # He's amazing Amazing! # He's the strongest, he's the quickest, he's the best # Danger Mouse # Danger Mouse Danger Mouse! Tokyo, city of the future.
Hang on, that can't be right.
CASH REGISTERS RING Apologies.
The animator who drew that scene has been sacked.
Ahem.
Tokyo, city of the future.
And speeding through the streets with style, grace and scant regard for local traffic laws is Danger Mouse.
Ahhh! HORNS BEEP Our hero is on his way to the Annual Conference Of Genius Inventors.
An elite hi-tech gathering of all that bleeps, flashes and, occasionally, explodes.
DOG BARKS 20 years of my life ruined! You think you're having a bad day! On board, the most brilliant mind of our time.
PENFOLD SLURPS Cor, the ground is moving! Well, obviously, I didn't mean Penfold! I meant Professor Squawkencluck, with her latest invention.
An artificial intelligence quantum computer chip so powerful it can bring any machine to life.
It's not much to look at, is it? It may be small, but it's immensely powerful.
Often said about yours truly.
In your dreams.
Anyway, if it falls into the wrong hands, it'll be curtains for the world as we know it.
Danger Mouse? Hmm.
Do you really think pork noodles want to steal my chip, Danger Mouse? In my experience, danger lurks in the most unexpected places, Professor.
Aha! Hand over the chip! Oh, they've gone.
Keeping on your toes, eh, Penfold? That's the spirit.
No, I'm just You know London to Tokyo is a long wait without a pit stop, Chief.
Hmm.
Ah, gentleman's is over there.
First on the right.
'Scuse me! Coming through.
Thank you.
'Scuse me! Aha! - Ah! - Hans! How's the world of gene splicing going? Look after this, Penfold.
I want to get a picture before he eats himself.
But I was just Welcome to a new era in bladder relief.
Wha.
.
? My name is John, and I will be your toilet for today.
Would you care for a super poo puzzle? Oh, crumbs! ALARM BLARES Malfunction Reset F12 Software upgrade Installation complete.
I feel fantastic! There's so much I want to know about the world.
I want to read literature, rid the world of disease.
Perhaps even unlock the mystery of - oh Why am I stuck to this pipe? What is that smell? What are you doing here? Ah, well, John, to be honest, I was about to How can I put this? You see, what people do is, er - SCREAMING - Ah! JOHN ROARS Um, I accidentally might have dropped your special chip thingy into the toilet, Professor.
JOHN ROARS THEY SCREAM SHE GASPS The AI chip must have caused a fusion reaction in the toilet, boosting its already advanced cybernetic capability to - previously unknown levels.
- That can totally happen.
Too long have I been a resting place for your backsides.
Too long have I toileted - I mean toiled - in silence.
No longer will I take your I can't even say it.
Ahh! Follow that loo! Penfold, check the radar for runaway porcelain.
Righty ho, Chief.
Switching on the lav nav.
Oh, just one thing.
Could you avoid any bumps? I still really need the loo.
Ahh! Sorry, just taking the shortest route, Penfold.
Crumbs! Shortest route again! It's no use, Penfold.
We've lost him.
That toilet's gone to ground.
Ah, DM.
Terrible news.
Someone in this office has been using my coffee mug.
Oh, and the lavatories of the world are revolting.
Not revolting in the sense that they are stinky, although obviously they are Oh, skip it.
Behold! ALL: Rights for toilets! Rights for loos! Rights for toilets! Rights for loos! Rights for toilets! - And leading them all is this shiny maniac.
- John! Yes, I know what it is, Penfold.
He's calling himself Dr Loo-cifer.
Toilets of the world, I, Dr Loocifer, speak to you through your sewer pipes.
Our task is not yet finished.
I call upon you to push harder.
Strain for liberty.
To grunt for freedom! Hunt down Dr Loocifer, DM, and remove that AI chip.
Or the world will never enjoy certain comforts again.
HE GASPS CHANTING: Rights for loos! You can tinkle on your shoes! THEY GULP Toilets, we can work this out peacefully if you just take me to your leader.
Hold tight.
Ejector seat! Worst Danger Car feature ever.
Cor, a bullet train! I've always wanted to go on one of these.
Oh, no, Chief.
Where? Who? What is it, Penfold? I haven't got a ticket! THUDDING Ahh! It's a train toilet.
Amazing, I've never seen one that actually works! Ahh! That shut him up.
One ply! Will they never learn? This is our stop.
That's not a stop, Chief.
That's just an open window.
Ahh! That's a relief.
And do you know the best thing? All that crazy action has made me forget I need the Ahh, they've cloned an army! It's just a toilet factory, Penfold.
- You know what that means? - It means I still can't go! Hmm, it also means they never got Dr Loocifer's message.
Ahh! I think I may know how to find him.
CHANTING: Rights for toilets, rights for the loos! Right for toilets, rights for loos! Ow, ow, OW! Er, I mean, flush! Flush! Keep looking and stay quiet.
Staying very quiet.
TOILETS CHAN Ahh! Chief! Get back, get back! Hmm, don't like to be cleaned, ey? Could come in handy.
- Nice detective work, Penfold.
- It was? Where else would an insane toilet mastermind have his hideout but in the bowels of the city? Soon the old world will be flushed away, and we shall create the planet of the toilets.
That chip has really gone to his head.
Ah, Danger Mouse.
So glad you could drop in.
LAUGHS EVILLY More echo in my bowl, please? LAUGHS LOUDER That's better, thanks, Russell.
It's time we put a stop to this.
Ahh! You'll have to do better than that, Dr Loocifer.
Or should I call you John? How dare you use that name? Release the portaloo! PORTALOO GROWLS - The smell! - Cor, that's horrible! Is this then the end of Danger Mouse? - And Penfold! - And Penfold! How will they survive and, if they do, just how bad will they smell? Soon I will flush all your kind away, leaving a world of perfect porcelain.
WATER GURGLES Oh, crumbs! For yanking my chain, you have the honour of being first down the pipe.
TOILET GURGLES Erm, hold on.
It's just needs a few minutes to fill up again.
Looks like you flushed too soon, Loocifer.
Get away from me! Open up and say "Ah", Dr Loocifer.
No, get that away.
HE LAUGHS That tickles! Stop it! Oh! You haven't seen the last of me.
Like the waters of a blocked toilet I shall rise again.
And don't forget to wash your hands! - HE GASPS - No! Ha-ha! My baby! You did wash that, didn't you, Penfold? Sorry, Chief.
I'm otherwise engaged.
Oh, Penfold! Really? And so, thanks to Danger Mouse, the great toilet uprising is over and humanity breathes one almighty sigh of relief.
SIGHING - KNOCKING - Hurry up in there! All right, keep your hair on.
Join us next week for another exciting episode of Danger Mouse.
KNOCKING Don't rush me! Now, where's my book? # He's the greatest # He's fantastic # Wherever there is danger he'll be there # Danger Mouse # Danger Mouse Danger Mouse!
Hang on, that can't be right.
CASH REGISTERS RING Apologies.
The animator who drew that scene has been sacked.
Ahem.
Tokyo, city of the future.
And speeding through the streets with style, grace and scant regard for local traffic laws is Danger Mouse.
Ahhh! HORNS BEEP Our hero is on his way to the Annual Conference Of Genius Inventors.
An elite hi-tech gathering of all that bleeps, flashes and, occasionally, explodes.
DOG BARKS 20 years of my life ruined! You think you're having a bad day! On board, the most brilliant mind of our time.
PENFOLD SLURPS Cor, the ground is moving! Well, obviously, I didn't mean Penfold! I meant Professor Squawkencluck, with her latest invention.
An artificial intelligence quantum computer chip so powerful it can bring any machine to life.
It's not much to look at, is it? It may be small, but it's immensely powerful.
Often said about yours truly.
In your dreams.
Anyway, if it falls into the wrong hands, it'll be curtains for the world as we know it.
Danger Mouse? Hmm.
Do you really think pork noodles want to steal my chip, Danger Mouse? In my experience, danger lurks in the most unexpected places, Professor.
Aha! Hand over the chip! Oh, they've gone.
Keeping on your toes, eh, Penfold? That's the spirit.
No, I'm just You know London to Tokyo is a long wait without a pit stop, Chief.
Hmm.
Ah, gentleman's is over there.
First on the right.
'Scuse me! Coming through.
Thank you.
'Scuse me! Aha! - Ah! - Hans! How's the world of gene splicing going? Look after this, Penfold.
I want to get a picture before he eats himself.
But I was just Welcome to a new era in bladder relief.
Wha.
.
? My name is John, and I will be your toilet for today.
Would you care for a super poo puzzle? Oh, crumbs! ALARM BLARES Malfunction Reset F12 Software upgrade Installation complete.
I feel fantastic! There's so much I want to know about the world.
I want to read literature, rid the world of disease.
Perhaps even unlock the mystery of - oh Why am I stuck to this pipe? What is that smell? What are you doing here? Ah, well, John, to be honest, I was about to How can I put this? You see, what people do is, er - SCREAMING - Ah! JOHN ROARS Um, I accidentally might have dropped your special chip thingy into the toilet, Professor.
JOHN ROARS THEY SCREAM SHE GASPS The AI chip must have caused a fusion reaction in the toilet, boosting its already advanced cybernetic capability to - previously unknown levels.
- That can totally happen.
Too long have I been a resting place for your backsides.
Too long have I toileted - I mean toiled - in silence.
No longer will I take your I can't even say it.
Ahh! Follow that loo! Penfold, check the radar for runaway porcelain.
Righty ho, Chief.
Switching on the lav nav.
Oh, just one thing.
Could you avoid any bumps? I still really need the loo.
Ahh! Sorry, just taking the shortest route, Penfold.
Crumbs! Shortest route again! It's no use, Penfold.
We've lost him.
That toilet's gone to ground.
Ah, DM.
Terrible news.
Someone in this office has been using my coffee mug.
Oh, and the lavatories of the world are revolting.
Not revolting in the sense that they are stinky, although obviously they are Oh, skip it.
Behold! ALL: Rights for toilets! Rights for loos! Rights for toilets! Rights for loos! Rights for toilets! - And leading them all is this shiny maniac.
- John! Yes, I know what it is, Penfold.
He's calling himself Dr Loo-cifer.
Toilets of the world, I, Dr Loocifer, speak to you through your sewer pipes.
Our task is not yet finished.
I call upon you to push harder.
Strain for liberty.
To grunt for freedom! Hunt down Dr Loocifer, DM, and remove that AI chip.
Or the world will never enjoy certain comforts again.
HE GASPS CHANTING: Rights for loos! You can tinkle on your shoes! THEY GULP Toilets, we can work this out peacefully if you just take me to your leader.
Hold tight.
Ejector seat! Worst Danger Car feature ever.
Cor, a bullet train! I've always wanted to go on one of these.
Oh, no, Chief.
Where? Who? What is it, Penfold? I haven't got a ticket! THUDDING Ahh! It's a train toilet.
Amazing, I've never seen one that actually works! Ahh! That shut him up.
One ply! Will they never learn? This is our stop.
That's not a stop, Chief.
That's just an open window.
Ahh! That's a relief.
And do you know the best thing? All that crazy action has made me forget I need the Ahh, they've cloned an army! It's just a toilet factory, Penfold.
- You know what that means? - It means I still can't go! Hmm, it also means they never got Dr Loocifer's message.
Ahh! I think I may know how to find him.
CHANTING: Rights for toilets, rights for the loos! Right for toilets, rights for loos! Ow, ow, OW! Er, I mean, flush! Flush! Keep looking and stay quiet.
Staying very quiet.
TOILETS CHAN Ahh! Chief! Get back, get back! Hmm, don't like to be cleaned, ey? Could come in handy.
- Nice detective work, Penfold.
- It was? Where else would an insane toilet mastermind have his hideout but in the bowels of the city? Soon the old world will be flushed away, and we shall create the planet of the toilets.
That chip has really gone to his head.
Ah, Danger Mouse.
So glad you could drop in.
LAUGHS EVILLY More echo in my bowl, please? LAUGHS LOUDER That's better, thanks, Russell.
It's time we put a stop to this.
Ahh! You'll have to do better than that, Dr Loocifer.
Or should I call you John? How dare you use that name? Release the portaloo! PORTALOO GROWLS - The smell! - Cor, that's horrible! Is this then the end of Danger Mouse? - And Penfold! - And Penfold! How will they survive and, if they do, just how bad will they smell? Soon I will flush all your kind away, leaving a world of perfect porcelain.
WATER GURGLES Oh, crumbs! For yanking my chain, you have the honour of being first down the pipe.
TOILET GURGLES Erm, hold on.
It's just needs a few minutes to fill up again.
Looks like you flushed too soon, Loocifer.
Get away from me! Open up and say "Ah", Dr Loocifer.
No, get that away.
HE LAUGHS That tickles! Stop it! Oh! You haven't seen the last of me.
Like the waters of a blocked toilet I shall rise again.
And don't forget to wash your hands! - HE GASPS - No! Ha-ha! My baby! You did wash that, didn't you, Penfold? Sorry, Chief.
I'm otherwise engaged.
Oh, Penfold! Really? And so, thanks to Danger Mouse, the great toilet uprising is over and humanity breathes one almighty sigh of relief.
SIGHING - KNOCKING - Hurry up in there! All right, keep your hair on.
Join us next week for another exciting episode of Danger Mouse.
KNOCKING Don't rush me! Now, where's my book? # He's the greatest # He's fantastic # Wherever there is danger he'll be there # Danger Mouse # Danger Mouse Danger Mouse!