DAVE (2020) s01e04 Episode Script

1
You'd rather be blind than deaf?
Bro, what I got to see for?
I done seen it all. Easy call.
You're the only person
I've asked this to
who's chosen blind.
What type of hypothetical is this, bro,
if everybody had the same damn answer?
That's a good point, but,
like, being blind would suck.
You can't even see anything.
At least with deaf, you
It's a similar life, I guess.
Hey. Hey!
Honey, it's, uh, eh
W-Wiz Khalifa! Yeah. Honey!
We dem boyz.
- Wiz!
- Wiz Khalifa, man, what's up?
There he is. That's him.
- What a tangled web we weave.
- There he goes.
- Mademoiselle?
- Hmm?
- Thank you.
- A metal straw for your ice coffee.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I did.
You put the other straw on the ground.
It was on the ground
for, like, two seconds.
I could have wiped it off.
Oh, look what the cat drug in.
- Mm.
- Somebody suck me!
Okay.
Well
No, I mean, I did. It's all in the deck.
No, I-I did exactly what you
asked me I did all that.
Please let me redo it. It's my mistake.
Yeah, but I don't I don't
understand why that's necessary,
for me to
Yeah, I'll shave my neck.
Okay, all right. See you tomorrow.
Somebody suck me.
What a half-assed
"somebody suck me", man.
You're gonna have bad luck,
dishonoring The Mask like that.
I just feel like this
job is a dead end, man.
It's like, I have the best book
at the company, you know?
They know that, I know that.
I'm just, like, their Pac-Man.
I'm just eating shit, just
like
Pac-Man doesn't eat
shit. He eats whatever
the coinage is that he levels up with.
- You should come out with us tonight, okay?
- You should.
- Hmm.
- Emma got us into this, like, very cool
Hollywood party.
And tech people are
sponsoring it, I guess.
- Oh, are tech people are gonna be there?
- Mm-hmm.
Well, then, no. Yeah, there's
no chance I would go to that.
- That's so stupid.
- There's gonna be celebrities there.
Like real, a-above
Dave-level celebrities. Uh
- Hmm.
- I also, I heard, I heard that the women
are supposed to put their
hands against the wall like this
and then just look back at all the men.
A little toe?
- Mm-hmm.
- A little backdoor toe?
Yeah, exactly.
- Don't you want to come to the party?
- And they're gonna
Some girls are gonna
put their head down here
- and talk to you upside down.
- Like this?
- Is that so?
- Yeah.
Please come to the party.
Okay, I'm coming.
All right, I'll come.
Can't believe you're gonna try
to talk to girls in the shirt
that makes you look
like you're bad at poker.
I love these overalls. If you
scoop more coal into the engine,
will we get there faster, or ?
- You're so funny.
- Okay.
I normally hate art, but
Damn. Emma, this shit is crazy.
This the type of shit
your bitch like right here.
You did all of this?
This cliché bullshit? Hell no.
- I did the graphics for the signs.
- Oh, okay.
It's pretty nice. You
got talent, though.
I got Microsoft Word.
Lights.
I like this.
Hey, thank you.
What do you think?
Oh. I don't want to talk
about my opinion in front of the artist.
That's weird.
Oh, no, I mean, that's totally fine.
Art is meant to spawn a conversation.
All right. If you really want
to talk about it, I guess,
one question I have is: how is this art?
Okay, well, um, what do you think it is?
I think you took a bushel of
flowers and you just plopped it
in a toaster that you bought somewhere.
- That's what I'm interpreting.
- Okay, wait.
I see what's going on
here. You don't like Koons.
Oh, my God. This is not
racial in any way, my man.
No, no. He means, like, the artist.
Jeff Koons.
You are Koo Your name is Koons?
- No.
- No, I'm
No, I'm-I'm Marcus.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Hey.
I just had an amazing idea.
Okay.
What if we made popcorn
out of baby corn?
Oh, my God. That would be so cute.
- Right?
- Yeah.
I've been thinking about it
for m y a little bit.
We should do it.
What's all this "we" talk?
You trying to get in on my idea?
- No, I
- You are.
- I mean, you should do it.
- Thank you.
I appreciate your support.
Don't steal my idea.
Don't.
'Cause I'll, I'll sue you.
- What?
- I-I'm kidding. I wouldn't
I don't even know how to do that.
But I would, I would fucking
take you to court, for sure,
if you took my idea, like dead serious.
That's not cool to do that.
- Uh, okay.
- I'm joking around. But I did.
I did. I My cousin, I
fucked him up bad in court.
I've had s IP stolen from
me before and I don't like it.
- I'm kidding.
- Okay.
- Let me get you another free drink.
- I'm good.
Le Just one more.
- Let me get you one more.
- No, you know what, I'm good.
- Uh, best of luck, really.
- Well..
I was just kidding around.
Bro, is that ? Do
you know who that is?
- Who, Trippie Redd?
- Yeah, bro.
I want to produce for
him so fucking bad, dawg.
Well, why don't you just walk
your ass up to him and tell him?
I'm smacked as fuck right
now, and I don't want to be
that weird guy who walks up
to him at an art gallery like,
"Yo, what's up, T? Let me fucking"
- You want me to introduce you?
- Uh, do you don't even
- know him, though.
- Man, watch this shit.
But you don't even know him.
My boy Trippie. What's good, my nigga?
- The fuck is you?
- It's Gata.
Come on, man, you gonna act
like you don't know me, bro?
We was just at Soho House, man.
Oh, don't give me that.
My mom and your mom is cool.
You don't remember,
from the barbecue, brah?
My mom is Catherine Branton, bro.
Nah, I don't know who that is.
Hey.
I'm sorry. Uh, I'm a huge
fan of your shit, bro.
I listen to your shit all the time.
By chance, do you have, like, an
engineer or anything right now?
You know what I'm saying, like
- Nah.
- Okay.
I don't ever, like, do this,
but like, bro, I'm that guy
when it comes to engineering, like
I'm-a say it, yeah, I'm the fucking one.
- The truth.
- And I think that I can take
your music to whatever
the next level is,
you know, quality-wise.
Not anything else, though, like,
you got your own fucking swag
going down, big dawg, and
it's fucking hard, so
Bet. Let me get your info.
Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- What's up?
- Sup?
You guys throw a great party.
Oh, no, I'm not I'm not,
uh, I'm not with these guys.
I-I'm, uh, I'm in finance.
- Uh, nocturnal stock trader.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- What kind of stuff?
I've been pushing my
clients to diversify.
Are-are you in finance?
Yeah well, music manager.
- Oh, rock and roll. Very cool.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- You So you don't just handle the contracts,
- you also do their investment portfolio?
- Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.
- You do. Wow.
- Absolutely. Yeah.
That's interesting.
Okay, so the master is
the recording, right,
- and the publishing is the songwriting?
- Exactly.
Right, so the artist has
two streams of income.
You can't have one without the
other, you have to have both.
No, no, y-you're not
getting what I'm saying.
No, I am getting what you're saying.
You're not hearing what I'm saying.
Of course they're gonna
give on the royalty
if they're getting
10x on the publishing.
It's called pub.
Is it?
Yo, man, I'm telling y'all about
this Mafia game.
Tom Hanks put me down on it.
And plus, he's, like, the
best finesser in the world.
I mean, I can't believe
I honestly met him.
- Oh, my God. That's Young Thug.
- Really?
That's Young Thug right there, yes.
Mafia sucks.
Young Thug, you got to
stop surrounding yourself
with, like, yes-men and theater dorks.
Wait, what? That's Forrest Gump.
That's Gunna as well. Should
we go over Yeah? Oh, my God.
- Like I said.
- What are you talking about?
That's-that's Woody from Toy Story.
Hey, guys, you mind if we join?
Sure.
Thank you.
Dude, are you sick?
No. Just, like, weed cough.
So m
So much phlegm.
Unbelievable amount of
phlegm in that cough.
You know, hey, bro, you was
sick, like, two days ago.
Yeah, I was sick, um,
at, um, earlier this week,
but I'm not contagious anymore.
How do you know if you're
not contagious anymore?
Like, how could you
possibly deduce that?
Who-who knows when they are contagious?
Uh, are you a doctor?
I'm not a doctor. I'm just
implying that neither
By the way, such a big fan.
I am just a rapper as well, and I have
so much stuff to do this week,
and I Y-You would know.
You can't record with a
stuffed nose or a sore throat.
I just, you know I
It's a dream to be here, but
I have to exit if you're sick.
I'm such a big fan of both of you,
and if you are sick, you shouldn't be
- Fuck out of here.
- Okay.
I'm just saying, let yourself heal.
- Don't smoke if you're sick.
- Okay, bye, Young Thug.
- Yo, this nigga rap?
- Kinda.
He can't be a rapper.
Dressed like that?
No fucking rap
Fuck.
Fucking Young Thug.
David.
What?
What are you doing here?
Are you just standing here
- by yourself, doing nothing?
- Uh, yeah.
I can be alone with my thoughts.
I'm not a mental weakling.
I want to run something
by you, though, um
- You want to get situated?
- No.
Okay, uh, here it goes.
I want to be your manager.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Okay, well, I disagree. Uh,
I wholeheartedly disagree.
Wh-Why do you think
it's not a good idea?
- Why?
- Yeah.
Uh, how about 'cause you know nothing
about the entire music industry.
How's that for an idea?
Do you really think
it's that complicated?
Last night I talked to a music manager.
H-He told me exactly what he does,
which took all of 15 entire
minutes. Not that hard, okay?
You know I went to school for
business. I'm a business major.
I'm not concerned about
the workflow as much
as I'm concerned about, like,
the cultural difference here.
Oh, I am culturally hip.
I'd like I want to
fuck girls who wear Pumas.
I get it. I'm-I'm a cool guy.
Also, last night I chopped it up
with the most famous rapper I've
ever met, uh-uh, Todd Dillerson.
- Todd Dillerson?
- Yeah, Todd Dillerson.
Ty Dolla Sign?
Ty Dolla Si that's it,
Ty Dolla Sign. Yeah, him.
I thought it was more
formal to say Todd
- His name's not Todd Dillerson.
- Right. I get it.
- Are you joking?
- Okay. Whatever.
You're getting lost in the
details. That-That-That's
Aren't you the guy who runs a
rinky-dink operation that lets
rappers take tens of thousands
of dollars from him on a whim?
You don't even own LilDicky.com.
It's not like I didn't
attempt to buy LilDicky.com.
It was taken on GoDaddy, so
I had to get LilDicky2.com.
- It is what it is.
- Right. Well, LilDicky2, I
reached out to the
guy that owns LilDicky,
and I bought it from him.
- You have LilDicky.com?
- Yes. We,
we have LilDicky.com.
Okay.
This is a lot to absorb right now.
Look, Dave
I need a challenge, okay?
I-I need something new in my life.
I'm not happy right now, at all.
And you need someone
who's smart me
and who gives a shit
about you that you trust.
Do you believe in me as a rapper?
As much as it pains me to
say it, I do, I really do.
Why?
Because you've got it. I
don't know what that is.
I always thought that was bullshit.
- Hmm.
- But without me or somebody like me,
I-I don't think you'll ever
reach your full potential.
If I go through with this
- Mm-hmm?
- it's a trial run, okay?
I don't want you quitting
your job right now.
- I don't want
- My j
I'm not gonna quit my job.
No. You This is my side hustle.
You're gonna be my priority,
- but I need to make money.
- Yeah, you're getting
20% of, like, the next
Kanye are you kidding?
It's the biggest opportunity you'll
ever get in your entire life.
Wow, yeah, I guess if I do the math
right here in front of you, 20%
of what you're making right now,
then if that, if I carry
and then my cut is
Oh, is my cut zero? You
don't make any fucking money.
All right, look.
I'm struggling seeing a downside here,
because if it doesn't
work out, I just fire you.
- Mm-hmm.
- No skin off my clit.
And honestly, the ability to fire you
is almost reason enough to hire you.
Like, what a joy that would be
to just let you know that you've
been terminated. So
let's see how it goes.
Are-are you being serious?
I'm willing to give you
the title "interim manager".
Wonderful. Okay, I'll
get started right away.
So-so, do you have a business
account or something, or ?
I'm gonna put you on an e-email
with the guy who does it.
All right, perfect.
Could you send me the last three years
of his tax returns, please?
Okay. I'll send you the last five, okay?
Hey, you get zip files?
Yeah. Yes, I do.
But you don't ha-have to do that, Don.
No, no, that's okay.
Already, I'm selecting
and dragging and zipping.
I'll let you know
when it's zipped, okay?
Okay, Don. Looking forward to it.
Hey, I-I got to tell
you, Mike, Carol and I,
we're just so happy that
you've taken Dave's finances
under your wing.
Trust me, I have a front-row
seat to his spending.
It's unbelievable. We have
three Roombas at the house,
- and we don't even have carpet.
- Look at
look at this $42 on
a delivery dinner for one.
And-and why did we get him the Camry
if he's just going to Uber everywhere?
Well, at least he does
FaceTime us when he's Uber'ing.
- Yeah, but the data, the data.
- That's true.
Hey, hey, Mike, uh,
- you got a Sam's Club nearby?
- Okay. Um
You should get Dave a
Sam's Club membership.
He can just use ours.
- Um
- No, that-that would be illegal.
We use Karen Smiley's Hulu account.
- Is that illegal?
- You can't compare.
- We're taking a little bit of a stream once or
- Guys?
- once or twice wi-with fraud.
- Guys? I got to go.
- I got to jump.
- And you think it's gonna hurt somebody?
- I think it's
- Sam?
- I don't want to get in trouble. I
- All right, bye-bye.
Michael! He hung up. Because you came.
- What?!
- Shit.
Mike?
- Yeah.
- Wait-wait-wait.
- Mike?
- Yes.
Yeah, man, I have
ambition. I make moves.
"Hi. I'm Lil Dicky, and
this is my large leprechaun.
He manages me. If you
have any business inquiries,
talk to him".
Shit, man, I think it's tight, man.
Mike is family, bro. We got to keep it
in the fam, keep the grass cut.
I-I agree with What does
that mean, the "grass cut"?
- Ah.
- Keep the grass cut, fool,
so the snakes'll show.
Bro, you got to be able to
see what's going on out here.
Snakes. Oh, he's not
a snake, you're saying.
Yeah, he's I can trust him. Exactly.
That is a big factor.
Look, I understand
that it's a weird choice,
but he was the smartest
guy in my entire college.
I used to be in class with him,
and he would get in arguments
with professors and win the arguments
in front of the whole class
and humiliate the profe
- It was like Finding Forrester.
- But
mixing business with pleasure's
a terrible fucking idea.
- We do it all the time.
- I find nothing pleasurable
about working with you I
think you need to understand that
- before we do anything else.
- I'm okay.
Let me ask you this, though
does he understand
that he works for you, like,
as an employee and, you know?
- I Yeah, I think so.
- Somebody suck me!
- Hi.
- That's me as your mucus
to the neti pot.
- Mm-hmm, right.
- Also,
I was 90% sure that
this was the right room,
but, like, what if it wasn't?
- Yeah. Bold entrance.
- Can you imagine?
See? Neti pot? Mike's job.
Thanks, pie.
- You're welcome.
- Where's the distilled water?
I forgot it.
I'm sorry. But you
could just use, like
Tap water?
- Yeah.
- How? It needs distilled water.
It goes up my nose, it's
next door to my brain.
You said this was
gonna be a Mike job now?
- Mike task.
- Yeah, that checks out.
Maybe we should loop him in.
He would have brought the water.
Wow.
I'm sorry, I appreciate you, pie.
Yeah, uh, you can neti
somewhere else, because I have
Trippie Redd coming, and
obviously he's a scary person.
- He's coming soon?
- Now.
Okay, I'll go neti. BRB.
- Hey.
- What's up, rock star!
- God!
- Ooh, my little baby.
Well, shit, Elz, now that he gone,
what's up with some
studio time, let your boy
- spit some bars?
- Gata, you rap, too?
Come on, Ally.
- He does rap.
- Mm.
Right now he does not.
You owe me, bro.
I owe you? For what?
I put you in position
at the art show, bro.
You wouldn't even be
here if it wasn't for me.
How? 'Cause you walked up to him
and tried to convince him that
- your mothers were friends?
- I can't get nothing in?
I need some studio time.
I got ghetto brilliance.
- No.
-
The penguins overwhelm the baby,
crushing its head in the process.
It is a tragic
Yo, Sixers-Suns, ESPN.
You want to watch?
Oh, brother, I am knee-deep
on this penguin doc.
You should sit and check
this out. It's so sad.
Their home is depleting
at such a rapid rate.
I hate to play the client card.
The Really?
- Right now?
- Mm-hmm.
You're gonna play the client card
for the Sixers-Phoenix
Suns regular season game?
That's part of my creative process.
I love watching the Sixers
beat the shit out of the Suns.
Gets me going, so gonna need to
You know, usually, part of the
creative process is creating,
so give a manager something to manage.
Yeah. Yes.
Well said. I will do work.
- Thank you.
- Brilliant.
- I know.
- God, you're good.
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ah, ah, ah. Testing.
- Ooh ♪
- Do you have ?
- Do you have to do it right now?
- Yeah. Work should be
the top priority. I
think you were right.
Well, it should, but I am Oh, man.
I'm-I'm clocked out right now, so
Really? But the industry's 24/7.
I'm surprised you'd ever be clocked out.
- I could also just fire you.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Give you more leg to stand on in this argument.
- No, no, no.
All right, okay. You know
what? You know what?
Look at that. I am all in.
- Great.
- Uh-huh.
What-What's up? Don't you
have something to lay down?
Don't you have some bars, baby? I
Unless everything was just a big show
so I would turn off the T
You wouldn't you wouldn't
do that. Would you do that?
Don't say another word.
I'm recording audio.
Don't say another word.
My B. My B.
Let me hear you spit that
hot fire. Let's go, Daddy.
- I know it's inside that gut.
- You're fired.
Great.
Oh, I love the way they waddle.
Oh. He wants these vocals.
Damn.
Hey, I think we should be good.
All right, play that shit.
Yeah, hold up, let me pop my shit ♪
I'll kill my brother ♪
Nah, that shit's trash. Move it back.
Um he wants us to ?
He wants me to move it back?
Was that like a lyric or ?
Uh Oh, fuckin'
Bitch spleen ♪
Yeah, hold up, let me pop my shit. ♪
Nah, brah. Move it back, brah.
Move the first part to the back,
and move the second
half to the front, brah.
Move it back and put the
two in front of the one?
Oh, yeah, I got it, I think. I hope.
Pussy nigga talkin', we
gon' leave him in a ditch ♪
- I'll kill my brother ♪
- Sound good to you?
Yeah, that's hard. It's fire.
Nigga, bad with the Grinch. ♪
See some dishes in the sink.
Does that mean we had a productive day?
Unfortunately not.
I, uh I can't get
much recording done.
My nose is stuffed as a piñata.
I understand how that's hard
to get over that humongous obstacle,
but, you know, we got to get
some kind of schedule going.
Again, I can't produce
unless you produce.
Don't say "again"
when you say a sentence
for the first time ever.
It's an annoying trait that you have.
We just need to have
some kind of rhythm here.
You know what I mean? Like,
in the morning, what if, uh,
that's when you start messing
with beats, and then by lunch,
we got some lyrics
laid down, some verses?
And then, by dinnertime,
we got a hook or two.
Then, end of day, we
got we got a song.
That's a full song, right?
Oh, wait. The order
is fucked up? What ?
Okay, fine. Do the
Maybe the hook come before the
The hook'll be What-what ?
However that you arrange
it doesn't fucking matter.
But we got to have some
kind of, like, system.
Do you know what I'm saying?
Did you just, like, Wikipedia "music"?
Beats, hooks, ver That's like
- You sound
- Yesterday you spent three hours
responding to Instagram comments.
That's called fan engagement, bucko.
And you're welcome for taking
all the time out to do that.
- That's good for our brand.
- Okay.
Valid. You also spent one of those hours
only responding to one
guy that said you suck.
I'm totally okay if
a guy doesn't like me,
but to say that I'm derivative
is just contradictory.
Like, he his argument made no sense.
- I'm not derivative. That's
- No, you're not.
You are very original.
You're the only artist I know
that doesn't put out anything.
You got to have some kind of, like,
structure, you know?
It's got to be like a job.
I don't know what to tell
you. My process is very slow.
Gata always says "You can't
rush greatness". I agree.
Gata's also the same guy
that asked me yesterday
if a rhinoceros is real.
- What do you mean?
- Like a real thing.
It Because they're extinct?
No.
I'm still waiting on a
valid suggestion here.
- Like, do you have any non-cockamamie ideas?
- Oh, okay, okay.
I think if the music thing
is not working right now
no vibes are kicking, I get that
then maybe we should go viral.
Go viral?
You-you you put out a video
that you know is clickbait.
You know, lures people.
We'll put a titty in the thumbnail.
The-the cowboy kid did it at Walmart.
He was just singing in Walmart.
Some you know, like, some
country bumpkin was like,
"Look at him singing in the aisle".
And they put that dude on Ellen.
You know, I haven't used up
all my birthday wishes yet, so
it's gonna happen.
I think you're underestimating
how dumb the Internet is.
What are you doing? What-what
are you doing anyway?
Like, at right now?
Mm-hmm.
I'm drifting.
All right, let's go viral.
Be cool.
Somebody suck me!
Dave, Dave, Dave. Do it again.
It's not I didn't get it.
One more. Do it again.
I'm sorry, guys. It's from The Mask.
We're going viral.
Somebody suck me!
Shh.
- You got it?
- So good. So fucking good.
Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me!
We got to do it.
Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me. ♪
I don't understand
the concept of just
- Somebody suck me!
- Is it the yellow zoot suit?
Or is it the
throwing out the request
of somebody to actually
do something to this individual?
Yeah, that's a bold request for sure.
Imploring somebody to suck him.
Somebody suck me!
Oh, my fucking God.
Honey, come here.
Dave's on the Internet.
- Look!
- What is it?
Oh, I've read about these.
This is a G-I-F.
Authorities say the locusts could return
in as soon as four months.
Somebody suck me!
So we will continue to
follow this for you.
Somebody
- Suck me!
- Preston!
Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me!
Somebody suck me! Somebody suck me!
40 million views.
I hope Jim Carrey doesn't sue us.
You kidding me? It'd be awesome,
but it's not gonna happen.
Parody is fair use, man.
We have to monetize this.
I'm talking to a merch company
today about making shirts.
You know, I had this
other thought for T-shirts,
where it was, like, the
silhouette of my beard
and my afro right in the middle.
Who would want that on their chest?
- What are you what are you talking about?
- Oh, my God!
It's it's
the "Somebody suck me" guy.
Hey, Lil Dicky, yeah.
I'm a musical artist, too.
Do "Somebody suck me".
- Uh
- Come on! Do it! Do it!
I don't want to.
Hey, are you the gay
guy from Modern Family?
Yeah.
- It's cool. That's cool.
- No. No, it's not.