Daytime Divas (2017) s01e04 Episode Script

1 Nina: Previously on Daytime Divas I saw footage of you sexually harassing an underling.
You cannot fire me! And this is my "I fired Mo" dance.
And I can tone it up! I'll go! Come on! None of this is working for me.
- I am not leaving my house.
- Of course not, Brad.
You'll move into the basement.
Maxine: Kibby, this is Julian, a personal sober coach.
Say what it is you want to say, Andrew.
We both know you're already pregnant.
- I thought you said you couldn't - I can't.
We're going to stay together while I get through this election, then we'll get a divorce.
An old assistant of mine is writing a book about me.
That woman was a neighbour of mine.
I could tell you stories.
Anna, call me back.
We need to discuss this book of yours.
And update your music.
The Backstreet Boys, really? They pay you for that? (Sighs) Be sure to wipe down all the surfaces before you unpack my belongings.
Maxine, I know you did what you thought was right and I absolutely respect that, but I'm so sad about Mo being gone.
- Oh, I see you're devastated.
- Oh, if you want a list of - some great Mo replacements - I'm good.
So, who you think they're going to get to replace Mo? Kibby, you've never been through a co-host replacement.
As senior co-host, I will sit down with Maxine.
We'll throw out a few names, we'll have some interviews.
Really? Because they've already set up five chairs.
Nina! - She's right.
- Should we count again? Maxine didn't waste any time.
I'll email her my thoughts.
What if they got someone louder than Mo? (Chuckling) There's nobody louder than Mo.
Or more obnoxious.
I miss her already.
It's absolutely beautiful.
Shawn: Portia, your seat is second from the left.
- So this is my throne, huh? - Shawn: That would be it.
I guess it'll do.
Oh that's that That's that lady.
No, no, no.
That's Portia Camden.
She's a lifestyle guru.
She's me, only black.
She's a Democrat.
You're a conservative Republican with all the wrong values.
I'm the moral compass of the show, and I'm the one that does the crafts and the cook books and the party planning.
What if the audience likes her better than me? Heather, relax.
We lost Mo.
Maxine's going to go with another comic.
Portia's funny.
And believe me, she's a threat to all of us.
She's smart and political.
And she's a lesbian.
- Do you know her? - Yeah, we scissor together on weekends.
Ever since Etsy took off, everyone is doing crafts.
- Ah! - Hi, ladies.
I'm Portia.
No baby.
Bring it in.
I'm a hugger.
- Ah.
- Hi.
Look at your little dimples.
Hi! - Hi.
- Yes.
I am all about the senses.
Plus, I feel like I already know you bitches.
(Laughing) I am a huge fan of the show.
Oh, well we're very And you want to know what's going to make me a bigger fan? When they make me permanent.
(Laughing) - Oh, this is just a tryout.
- Yeah, yeah.
So please, make sure you put in a good word for me.
Oh, she'll put in words.
Please.
Okay, perfect, perfect.
Oh, whoa, wait a minute now, honey.
Who are you, baby? Why are you sneaking up on me like that? I'm Ramona.
I need to take you to sign some paperwork.
Lead the way.
- Ciao, ladies.
- Ciao.
- (Smooching) - Ciao.
Ciao! No way is that Portia staying.
We cannot let that happen.
We will be gracious and respectful and welcoming, and then we'll ice her out.
(Light chuckle) Oh Okay.
In all my years recording the news, I've interviewed presidents, princes and pop stars.
But there are other voices that I wanted to be heard.
So a decade ago I created a show where women could sit down and say what's on their minds.
And boy, do they ever.
We have a real slice of American pie, who puts faith and family first; a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist with a passion for justice; a child star who is all grown up her POV is OMG; and featuring special guest host, Portia Camden; and me, Maxine Robinson.
I'm in the left chair every day at noon on The Lunch Hour, where no topic is taboo.
As much as it hurt us all to say goodbye to our beloved Mo, she felt it was time to focus on her comedy career.
You okay, babe? You still got morning sickness? We wish her all the best in her new and exciting options.
That's old news, so let's have some good news.
Let's welcome our new co-host.
Guest co-host.
Temporary.
Just this week.
Let's meet lifestyle expert, Portia Camden.
(Audience cheers and applause) Hi.
Hi, baby.
(Smooch) Thank you, Max.
Hey.
Just think of me as the fly Martha Stewart.
If Martha and Beyoncé had a love child, honey, it would be me.
(Audience laughter) Now you've seen Portia on James Corden, and as a party planner in Tyler Perry's Madea Plans a Party.
Wow, Tyler's really running out of ideas, huh? After the huge success of her last book, Make My Cake and Eat It Too, Portia's come out with a new book called Get Your Greens On.
Right.
Get Your Greens On.
And you want to know what? There isn't one kale recipe in here.
I know I'm going to get trolls, but it had to be said.
I don't care.
Enough damn kale! All: Enough damn kale.
Portia: Right? Enough damn kale.
Now, Portia will be signing her books at Barnes and Noble at Union Square.
Portia: I'll be there at 7:00 You know, I also have some very exciting news.
I'll be launching my first record, For God's Sake this Friday night at Eternal Springs Church Wonderful, Heather.
Wonderful.
Okay, now it's time for our round table.
Never has there been a scarier time to be pregnant.
- Nina.
- Mm? The Zika epidemic.
The CDC has recommended that all pregnant women be tested.
Yes.
You know, my nanny was saying that in the Caribbean they're telling women just not to get pregnant.
Okay, well, that's just not realistic unless they're going to be providing (Hiccup) Excuse me.
The CDC has recently (Hiccup) The CDC has recently (Hiccup) Ooh.
Breathe, baby.
You don't have Zika.
Oh, I'm sorry.
The risks of actually (Hiccup) The risk (Flatulence) (Audience titters) Maxine: I understand Florida has been inundated Yes, yes.
Actually, in Florida, they've actually called it a State of Emergency I'm about to call a State of Emergency up in this damn studio.
Whoa, Nina.
Can someone please get us some scented candles? Where's my girl, Ramona? - Hey, Mona.
- Okay.
Ha ha ha, everybody.
Yes, I farted.
(Audience laughter) Here she is.
Maddie, the restraining order against your former Lacey from Outer Spacey co-star Kibby Winsley has been lifted.
Are you afraid of her? Maddie: I've made peace with what happened.
Congratulations, Kibby.
No more restraining order.
That's gotta make you feel good.
It does, because now I can call Maddie a bitch to her face instead of from fake Twitter accounts.
You know, I feel sorry for her.
I hope that she uses this as an opportunity to move on.
(Screaming) (Bang) Man: Ouch.
Phasers on stunned.
Oh, I can't watch this anymore.
Kibby, this is an opportunity.
You need to make amends to her.
- No.
(Bleep) her.
- You assaulted her.
You need to take responsibility for your actions.
Was it always your dream to grow up to be a giant bummer? (Chuckling) Okay, this is getting crazy, Anna.
Oprah returns my calls after one message and you, sir, are no Oprah.
So let me be crystal clear, we need to discuss this so-called book.
(Clunk) (Slow instrumental music) Iran's presidential election was won by Ma-Mahmoud Ahmadine Ahmadinej Ma-Mahmoud Ahma - Oh.
- Max.
What? We're about to go on.
I can't even say this Mahmoud Mah Ma Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Who cares? Look, I just got off the phone with the network.
Yeah? They're buying The Lunch Hour.
You did it! (Laughing) Oh, no.
We did it.
- (Smooch) - Maxine.
- Can I talk to you? - Ah, yes.
What is it? Sorry, I heard that Shawn hasn't found a replacement yet for Craig.
Craig? The segment producer.
He's supposed to produce Heather's church piece tomorrow but his wife went into labour yesterday.
So send him a basket and keep it under $30.
Oh.
Okay.
Also, I was wondering if maybe you would give me the opportunity to produce the segment because I've been here - for three years - Sure.
Fine.
- Go ahead.
- Oh! Thank you.
I won't let you down.
I'm already proud.
Now Ramona, I need you to do - something for me.
- Uh huh.
Can you call Anna Crouse at this number? And And keep calling until she picks up.
I will be in my office.
And you are going to grow out your hair, right? - Yes.
- (Sighing) Hey.
I just got off the phone with Anna Crouse.
You? She owes me a call.
So the book she's doing on you, are we cooperating or not? - What do you think? - I don't know.
I mean, she worshipped you.
You gave her a career.
And that's all she gets.
My life is private.
I don't need to relive my painful memories for anyone.
Mom, you don't even know if that's what she's going to write about.
You don't get on the best-seller list by writing that I played clarinet in high school.
Got it.
So, what did you think about Portia? - The network seems to love her.
- So do I, if it means the network will stop looking for ways to bring back Mo.
And I thought I wasn't going to smile today.
- (Chuckling) - Wait, we need to figure out what to do about Leon.
The last thing we need is a sexual harassment suit.
Oh, just keep that idiot happy.
He wants to be a producer, so I'm going to give him Heather's church segment and hope he doesn't screw it up.
I hope he does.
- I don't want to air that thing.
- Okay, so perfect.
So, Leon'll - produce the church piece.
- Wait, but I Ramona, you're doing such a great job.
- Where's Anna Crouse? - She's, she's unavailable indefinitely.
Hello, Anna.
Seems a little desperate, Maxine, coming all the way out here.
It's on the way to my favourite outlet mall.
I figured it's a way to kill two birds.
You know, I really enjoyed listening to all your messages, especially as they got more and more shrill.
(Chuckles) What is it that you want? Is it money? A bigger starter home in a less iffy neighbourhood? I have everything I want, Maxine.
I have a dream job at New York Weekly.
I buy expensive bras now.
- (Phone dings) - Ooh.
Confirmation of my interview with a certain notoriously press-shy pop star.
Seems like you're kind of on fire.
I get a best seller out of you, it's just another win.
There is no story here, Anna.
I think there is.
I've been talking to your neighbour, Philip.
Oh, he's chatty.
He had a lot to say about you and Ted.
I guess the walls are kind of thin.
Please.
Philip, the grand dame of penthouse B.
He's crazy.
He dusts off old cubic zirconia he finds on Ebay and sells it as estate jewellery.
Now look, I've asked you nicely to drop this book.
Now I'm going have to be less nice.
You really want to tango with me? (Dog barking) I'm not afraid of you, Maxine.
You have no power over me anymore.
We'll see.
So what do you think? Should I wear this for the record launch, or this? I texted Mo but I haven't heard back from her.
Heather, you sent me packing to the basement, which means I no longer have to pretend to care what you wear.
Pretend? Wow, Brad.
It's nice to know that you never cared.
Could you just tell me what you're wearing so we don't clash? No more clashing, Heather, 'cause I'm not going to be there.
Could you just show me a little bit of support? Mo's gone and we have this new co-host who's really good, and it's intimidating.
I'm all alone and this situation here, it's it's very new.
Could you just show up to support me? No, Heather, I can't.
(Upbeat pop music) Hmm.
Sia's doing a concert tonight.
What do you want to bet that's Anna's press-shy celebrity? How's knowing that going to stop her from writing that book? It won't be that hard to stop her.
She may have gotten her teeth fixed, but she's still the same fragile mess with an under bite that I mentored years ago.
- You used to like her.
- Yeah.
Oddly, I still do.
That's why I'm going to fire a few warning shots.
Hopefully I won't have to go in for the kill.
I dreamed about this moment, but I never thought it'd actually happen.
And you know what? It feels pretty good.
(Laughing) And guess what else? I beat Oprah.
(Laughing) Oh, we did it.
- We? - What's the matter? Oh, nothing.
It just would have been nice if you mentioned me, your husband, in your speech.
Oh Ted, I'm sorry.
I meant to, I just I couldn't have done this without you.
(Smooch) Lovely to see you, Philip.
How are the family jewels? Much in demand.
And beyond your price range.
I believe you ran into a dear old friend of mine recently.
Anna Crouse? Are you telling me you have friends? Anna is, uh, very talkative.
I hope that wasn't too much of an imposition.
On the contrary.
She's most engaging.
- Very inquisitive.
- (Elevator dings) - Going down? - (Sighing) Kibby: Oh my God, Portia, these are amazing.
Oh my God.
- These are amazing.
- Right? - So good.
- Hey, hey, where're you going? You've got to try one of my hush puppies.
I made them with orange zest and rosemary.
Ah, no thank you.
I don't usually care for food that's too busy.
Heather, you have to try one.
They are insane.
- Ah, anybody else want one? - So much for icing her out.
- Mo would have had my back.
- Well, I really wanted to but - she got me through Fartgate.
- And she's so fun.
Only because she's not a threat to you.
Nina and Kibby, could you give us a second? - This lady and I need to talk.
- Sure.
- Can I just grab one more? - One more.
For the road.
Enjoy.
Yes, so, what can I help you with? "Yeah, so, what can I help you with?" What's up with that shit? - I don't even believe that's you.
- I beg your pardon? What do you think, I'm trying to step on your toes or something? No, of course not.
If anything, I think that we You've been doing this for years.
Yes.
Even so And saying some whack shit, by the way, that nobody in their - right mind would ever agree with.
- I don't - You've got to be more confident.
- I wouldn't say that me not I would never let some bitch come up in here and take - my place.
I'd be all over it.
- You know what? - Just let me finish, please! - There you go.
I'm just protective of my brand.
That's all.
And you should be.
You don't have to worry about me.
You've got to remember, you're a bad ass.
You've got your own thing going on.
Plus, you're very white.
We really don't overlap.
- Hush puppy? - Okay.
- (Laughs) - (Munch) - Mm.
- Good, right? - Mm-hmm.
- (Laughing) - Rosemary? - Yes, and orange zest.
Mm.
I'm going to need the recipe for this.
Ah, yeah girl.
I'll give you the recipe.
(Sighs) This feels so good.
Yeah, so, why do I feel like I'm being scammed? You're literally like a minute pregnant.
Can you really have swollen feet? Good training for you.
I plan on being very high maintenance.
- (Phone ringing) - It's Andrew.
(Sighs) No, another fundraiser.
I've already been to two this week.
I'm tired! Solution: you could tell him that you're pregnant with my baby and leave him.
Oh right, that's not complicated enough for you.
I told you I was going to handle it.
This is only temp - Just temporary.
- Yes.
Yeah.
Hey, who told you you could stop rubbing my feet? Who told you to start? - My feet hurt.
- No, that's not how it works.
I carry the child.
You rub my feet.
No.
No.
Shawn: This is a two-way street.
- (Street din) - No.
No way.
You want me to make amends to Maddie on air? I don't even want to be in the same room as Maddie Finn.
Public reconciliation.
Do you know how far that'll go - to help rehabbing your image? - Please don't make me do it.
- We've already booked Maddie.
- You do need to make amends.
I know it's hard, Kibby, but you're a public figure.
Just think about all the people you'll inspire when they see you taking the high road.
Fine.
I'll take the stupid high road.
Are we keeping the half-wit happy? So far, no lawsuits.
I guess it's time for me to do what I need to do.
Leon, I stumbled across some tickets.
Interested in seeing Sia tonight? Oh, the chick with the wig.
No.
But you got any tickets for 2 Chainz? I'm not a ticket broker.
Sia's a sold-out show.
Tickets, $300 a pop.
Two backstage passes.
Guess you could probably double that.
Hi, I'm picking up tickets and backstage passes for tonight.
The name is Crouse.
Anna Crouse.
It's my real name.
Our secret.
If you get arrested, call Ramona.
What do you mean, they've been picked up? I have a pre-show interview with Sia, an exclusive.
Look, just call Sia's people.
Tell them Anna Crouse is here, okay? Anna Crouse already picked up her tickets.
No, I'm Anna Crouse.
And I'm not leaving until I'm in Sia's dressing room, alright? Oh hi, sir.
No, no, no.
That's alright.
I'm a journalist.
I have an interview with Sia.
My name's Anna Crouse! (Whispering) Psst! Backstage passes? Only $600.
Hello? Sorry about Sia.
I hope your editor hasn't lost too much faith in you.
Consider yourself warned.
Okay, so, tomorrow during the segment thanks you will hold up the ribs and present them to camera.
And then I will say something like, I can't wait to serve Portia's southern beer braised short ribs to my husband.
(Squeals) That works for Portia.
(Laughing) So, am I going to meet that man of yours at your record thing tomorrow? No.
Brad can't make it.
- Is he away? - No.
Well, screw him.
I'll be there.
Hey, ladies.
We've got to bump the segment.
Nick's people are asking if he can sing a second song.
Oh wait, wait.
We've worked so hard on this.
You mean to tell me we spent all morning preparing this beautiful plate of short ribs and we don't get a chance to show it off? I do wish there was something I could do, but What do you think about this, Heather? - Well - Guys, there's nothing I can - It's a little disrespectful.
- It's Nick Jonas.
These ribs have been braising for three hours.
- Don't make me call my agent.
- I don't think there's any You know what? Use my phone.
I prefer to keep the segment, Shawn.
We've worked very hard on this.
Fine.
I'll tell Nick's people that we agreed to the one song.
- But this better be good.
- (Laughing) - Thank you.
- Yeah, thank you.
- We appreciate it, Hun.
- Oh my God.
- That was so much fun.
- (Laughing) Oh my God.
What is that awful smell? - You sure it's not you, boo? - (Laughing) You need to get some air.
Why do they call it morning sickness when you barf all day? Just go home.
I can't.
I have that fundraiser with Andrew tonight.
Tell him you can't go.
It's too much.
Nina, you're pregnant.
You need to take care of yourself.
Really? Thank you for the tip.
Great.
I'm the big bully again.
Look at all these trolls all over my Twitter feed.
Everyone's on Maddie's side.
She always gets special treatment.
What about what she did before I pushed her? It doesn't matter.
God, Kibby, do you want to stay sober? You've got to stop blaming people for everything.
You've got to worry about your own side of the street.
- Recovery sucks.
- Yeah.
- What do I have to do? - Make it about you.
That should be easy for you, right? When you talk to Maddie, everything out of your mouth should be an "I" statement.
I did this.
I did that.
I felt this.
I felt that.
Okay? - I miss cocaine.
- (Julian laughs) Nice move, Maxine.
But I managed to reschedule.
Lunch with Sia's much nicer anyway.
Plus, you gave me a little free time to work on my book.
I really think you're going to like chapter five.
- Call New York Weekly.
- (Knocking) Come in.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
Get that out of the building.
Better yet, send it to Mo.
Oh, hello.
I need to give a very important message to Anna Crouse.
I'm calling on behalf of Sia.
- Anna: Where is this place? - Woman: (Phone) I'm sorry Anna, but that's the address Sia's people gave us.
Well that's the address for a methadone clinic.
Do you understand this is the second time I'm going to miss - this interview? - (Horn honking) - (Tire screeching) - Oh God damn you, Maxine.
(Phone dings) Ugh - (Knocking) - Portia: Come in.
Hey, Portia.
Could I ask you a question, real quick? Is Brad blind? How can he not have an opinion? Honey, it's the green.
- Do you really think so? - Yeah.
Men don't know shit, girl.
You look hot in that dress.
Turn around.
Let me see.
(Laughing) Thank you.
Oh I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with these kind of things lately.
I just think it's good to have fresh eyes, you know? Speaking of eyes, what are you going to do about makeup? And why aren't you doing Latisse, honey? You barely have any lashes.
I'm sorry.
Am I giving you way too much unsolicited advice? No, no, no.
Not at all.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
It's actually kind of nice to have someone who's interested.
Mm-hmm.
You're damn right.
You deserve a man that worships you so much that he has an opinion about every damn thing in your life.
Don't you take anything less, honey.
You know, your man should be telling you every day you're beautiful.
You're beautiful.
(Slow romantic music) So what do you think? Heather! What do you think? What do you think about makeup? Should we do something with your lips? No! No, we shouldn't.
No.
(Stammering) Gosh, gee, I didn't realize how late it was.
Good night! - (Slam) - (Footsteps) (Click) So I can't help but notice that Nina's been showing up to work tired lately.
I mean, she mentioned all the fundraising events you guys have done just this week.
- Seems like a lot.
- Oh, it is.
Well, how about you give her the night off? - Let her rest up.
- (Zipping) I'm sorry.
I'm not sure how this is any of your business.
It's my business because I'm her producer.
I need her fresh for the show.
I see.
You're asking as her producer.
I thought it was because you're the father of her baby.
Oh, did Nina not mention I know? (Dramatic instrumental music) (Phone dings) Oh, I am done playing games.
Hey, Franklin.
What's up with the kicks? I thought the editor of New York Weekly would at least own a pair of Jordans.
Maxine, you made it.
How great.
- (Smooch) - Let's see what you got.
- Okay.
- (Thumping) (Clunk) At least my check wasn't reflective of my performance.
Oh, forgot to thank you.
We received your very generous donation Monday.
You know how I do love nature, as long as you - keep it outside.
- (Laughing) I hear we know someone in common.
Didn't you just hire an old employee of mine? - Anna Crouse.
- Yes.
She just started with us.
I've got to say, she's already - cocked up a big interview.
- Oh dear.
Sorry to hear that.
We did have a similar problem with her.
I was never quite sure she had the stuff.
(Upbeat pop music) - (Footsteps) - Kibby! - Ah! - Oh my god.
- Maddie.
Hi.
- It's so good to see you.
- I missed you so much.
- Really? Yes.
We're total friends.
Look, I honestly don't even think about the other stuff, you know? It's crazy.
We were so young and so dumb.
- Yeah, totally.
- Right? Okay, I should probably get to hair and makeup.
But I will see you on set, bitch.
Female Announcer: Welcome to The Lunch Hour.
Today we have a very special reunion of the stars of Lacey from Outer Spacey.
- I'm feeling better.
- Good.
Glad to hear it.
- Are you okay? - No.
I'm not.
Announcer: And now, Maxine, Kibby, Nina, Heather and Portia.
So Heather, anything you want to tell us about your very exciting record launch later on today? You know we are so excited, right ladies? - Oh, totally.
- Yes.
You know I'll be there.
Very excited.
Andrew and I wouldn't miss it.
Yes, well, I will be singing the title song from my new album, For God's Sake, at the Eternal Springs Church.
And if her singing does not get us there, that Reverend Dylan is sexy as hell.
That's disrespectful.
He's one of God's children, Portia.
And all of God's children are sexy as hell.
Really? Well you've never been to one of my family reunions.
(Audience laughter) Well, speaking of reunions, it's time for our own reunion.
Let's bring out America's sweetheart, Maddie Finn and our own Kibby Winsley.
Come on out, Maddie.
- (Audience applause) - Welcome.
Hello.
Thank you for having me.
- (Giggling) - (Gasp) What? I didn't do anything.
I'm, I'm sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm still working through some of the PTSD from what happened.
Well PTSD can be debilitating and vastly underreported in women.
I hope you're getting help for that.
Yeah, actually, I, um, I've started therapy which, you know, I can't believe I'm saying out loud.
But I've learned that there's no shame in asking for help.
- You're doing great.
- We're really proud of you.
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm really proud of myself too.
After what Kibby did to me, I never thought I would be in the same room as her again.
I guess I've always just been so afraid of her.
- Oh, come on.
- Kibby, let's start with you.
Is there anything you'd like to say to Maddie? Remember, just "I" statements.
Your part only.
Yes.
I would.
Maddie, I'm sorry about how I treated you.
I was always jealous that I wasn't a part of your posse.
I knew you only hung out with femme girls, but That's not really true.
Sorry, my truth.
I actually thought I was fat, even though I wasn't because of some comments I overheard you say.
I never said that you were fat.
No, no, no.
I'm not saying you did.
I'm just talking about my part.
I guess I just wasn't confident enough in myself to join in the coke parties you always had in your dressing room.
(Stammering) Okay, that's not I never I practically had to learn how to walk again after what she did to me.
- Can we go to commercial? - Absolutely not.
And I shouldn't have made such a big deal out of it when you made out with my boyfriend at my birthday party.
Okay, he hit on me.
He said I was cute.
I never should have told everyone you when you gave him chlamydia.
Okay, I never gave him chlamydia.
- If anything, he gave me herpes.
- (Audience gasps) And I am so sorry that your spinoff got yanked after six episodes because I was right, you can't carry a show.
And now we can go to commercial.
Well that didn't go quite the way I expected, but you handled yourself Well, let's just say you handled yourself, Kibby.
I'm proud of you.
I love this sobriety shit.
Alright, bitch, you better watch out unless you me to tell everyone how you really kept your job on Lacey for so long.
Lord knows it wasn't your acting.
Slut.
(Dramatic instrumental music) - What did she mean? - I don't want to talk about it.
- (Knocking) - Yes, come in.
- (Clunk) - Hi.
I'm sorry if things got a little weird out there.
Yeah, what was that about? Well, in the interest of being direct, which I know you appreciate, I'm heterosexual.
Well, congratulations on that.
Oh, oh wait a minute.
I know Did you think that I was trying to, like Oh no.
No.
- Girl, I'm married.
- Well yeah, but, just in case.
And honey, you're not my type.
Not at all.
Oh.
Okay, good.
- I mean, no offense.
- No, I mean, listen.
If you and I were, like, the last two humans on Earth and we needed to repopulate the planet, the planet would die.
You understand what I'm saying, right? I mean, I know it's a faulty logic and all, but - Thank you for clarifying.
- Okay.
- Have a good day.
- Okay.
You too, honey.
- (Click) - Okay You want to tell me what's going on? Why you've been such a jerk to me? You know, I had a little conversation with Andrew.
- You spoke to Andrew behind my back? - Don't do that.
Why didn't you tell me that Andrew knows about our baby? - I couldn't.
- Why? Is it because he has something on you? You think he's going to hurt you? Sweetheart, I won't let him do that.
Please, can we just not do this right now? Andrew is coming.
We have Heather's church (Gasp) Oh my God.
- Shawn: What's going on? - Something's wrong.
(Panting) Andrew: Hey, what's happening? Excuse me.
I'm going to have to take her to the hospital.
But I'm her husband, alright? I got this.
- Come on, babe.
- (Panting) (Upbeat instrumental music) You see Jenny, I believe that faith is God's plastic surgery.
If you feel at peace in here, then you'll look at peace up here.
Can I ask you a question? - He is so sexy.
- Language.
You're in a house of God.
Sort of.
Shawn, it's an upset stomach.
Nina's got to learn it's okay to hurt the craft service lady's feelings.
Just say no to sushi.
It's just weird she hasn't called.
Well why are you so worried? She has a husband.
Whatever it is, he'll take care of it.
- (Click) - (Laughing) - (Dinging) - (Laughing) - Oh.
- (Dinging) Do you do anything here? Well actually, Maxine and I are kicking around a few ideas for a show.
I'm thinking I can use an assistant.
So, do you know any hot girls? Why are you getting ahead? Why are you getting things? 'Cause I'm thirsty, Ramona.
They got to be thirsty.
'Cause I'm thirsty.
Go, go.
Thank you.
Yeah.
This is just perfect.
You know, if you're having feelings for Portia, that's okay.
Excuse me? I'm just saying, I've noticed an energy between you guys all week, and being sexually fluid I pick up on that.
Look, I am not attracted to Portia.
I am a married woman.
Heather.
How are you? Are you ready to sing for us today? Ah (Sighs) Something wrong? Would you like to talk? Yeah.
Oh my god, I was so worried.
- I'm fine.
- Everything okay? Yes, I'm fine.
It was just an upset stomach.
Why are you being coy? It's time everyone knew the truth.
Nina and I are pregnant.
(Gasp) That's wonderful news.
Now I've got to figure out how I can exploit it for ratings.
(Laughter) Yes, and I know you will.
Shawn.
I'm glad you're okay.
I'm here for you.
I kissed her in my mind.
I mean, it wasn't, like, a lesbian thing.
It was Heather, you know our church is more progressive than most.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Anybody can do anything.
I can marry my dog, whatever.
So, can I ask you a question? I noticed your husband's not here with you this evening.
How's everything going at home? Oh, things couldn't be better.
He's sleeping in the basement and we haven't been intimate for weeks.
Do you like my new haircut? - Excuse me? - My haircut, do you like it? - Yeah, it's nice.
- Thank you.
Do you know why I ask? It makes me feel good when someone says something nice about me.
Really? You're just going to ask for it? My point is, maybe you're not so much attracted to Portia as you are to the attention she's giving you.
I'm just I'm so lonely.
(Sniffing) And I miss feeling special to a man or to anyone, I guess.
I know it shouldn't matter but sometimes I'm so scared that no one's ever going to tell me that I'm beautiful.
Heather.
You're very beautiful.
Wait.
This is real, right? - (Smooching) - (Slap) Thank you very much.
You are absolutely right.
I did need to hear that I was pretty and I did need the attention but shame on you for taking advantage of my needs.
- And for being so attractive.
- (Door slams) Hey, babe.
Anna: (Over phone) You miserable hag.
You sound upset, Anna.
You win.
You got me fired.
- You win.
- Well, I usually do.
But in this case I don't know what you're talking about.
I'll drop the book.
I just want one thing from you.
Sure, we're friends.
Anna: Make me a co-host.
You hear me? A co-host.
(Cheers and applause) (Laughing) Oh, thank you guys so much.
I am very happy to be here.
Something good always happens when you go to church.
(Giggling) You did a great job this week, Portia.
But we're going with another co-host.
Really? Oh.
Okay.
Wow.
So, is it because of all the weirdness between Heather and I? Heather: Can't control the things that happen to us.
Yes.
Heather: And that you really just have to put your faith Thank you.
Heather: And reflecting upon that, I realized how that affected me and my life.
I'm sorry things are so complicated.
How about I simplify it? I'm making the rules.
We're doing this my way.
Let's all raise our hands up to God.
(Humming) No hard feelings? Sooner or later you were going to find out your girlfriend isn't just a whore, she's a liar too.
For God's Sake - (Gasp) - (Excited crowd din) Let me make this easy for you, Nina's having my baby.
So from now on, we're going to do things my way.
(Dramatic instrumental music) (Distant sirens) - You won't believe the night I had.
- Yes, I saw, Grandma.
Brown liquor was made for nights like this.
Something tells me tomorrow is going to be harder.
- What about the book? - It's been taken care of.
I'm making Anna a co-host.
I know what I'm doing.
- You always do.
- (Clink) Both: Mm.
Ted: I will do whatever I want, you bitch.
Ted, I think you've had enough.
(Smash) - Who the hell do you think you are? - No! Tell me nothing bad's going to happen.
I promise, baby.
Everything's going to be okay.
This better be good, Philip.
I've had a bitch of a day.
And I have a bitch of a neighbour.
- (Click) - (Classical music plays) Ted: (On tape) I will do whatever I want, you bitch.
Maxine: (On tape) I think you've had enough.
Ted: (On tape) Who the hell do you think you are? Nina: Next time on Daytime Divas Isabelle, I thought I could handle the damage myself.
That was your first mistake.
You should have called me.
Our agreement still holds? The book is dead.
As your late husband, Ted.
Do you really want that rude, vile basket case on the show? You're not creating buzz.
You're replaceable, it's as simple as that.
You keep me out of it.
Why not expand your horizons? I know a dean at the university.
Kibby: I mean, I love to learn stuff, obvi.
Andrew is capable of playing very dirty.
Maybe I can help you.