Dead Like Me s01e04 Episode Script

Everybody dies.
I'm told that's just the way it is.
I'm told I'm not supposed to argue or question or even try to understand.
I'm told a lot these days.
Ever since my life was snuffed out by a toilet seat and I joined the ranks of the undead.
This is Rube.
He's undead too.
He gets the list, who's to die, when and where, which he passes on to the rest of us grim reapers.
- This is what we look like to the living.
- Holy shit.
My name is George Lass.
I take souls.
This was my home, and this was my family.
Dad, Reggie, Mom.
They're having trouble coping.
Do you guys get off dropping pianos on people? It's not our job to drop the pianos.
Whose job is it? Gravelings.
They set things in motion, make the accidents happen.
- They kill people? - Life and death have to exist in harmony.
- That balance has to be maintained.
- Or else? Things get out of hand, and that ain't pretty.
Long and gnarled is the fickle finger of fate, but that finger has a pisser of a hangnail.
It can be crippling, and in the game of life and death, it's good that fate has a weakness, like the candy-coated goodness of a lightly salted Peanut Poppy.
For those not raised in the South, a Peanut Poppy is like a peanut M&M, but just different enough to avoid litigation.
And the purple ones are the best.
From the fields of Georgia to a factory processing unit to a store near you .
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something as insignificant as a Peanut Poppy can change fate.
I kind of prefer M&M's.
I like these.
These are salted.
I think I'd like them better if they weren't.
I mean, they're good but Go buy yourself some M&M's.
I wish she had a tail.
If it was wagging, I'd know she liked me.
I'm gonna eat a Listerine strip.
These make your breath smell like ass.
Ass and peanuts.
Dammit.
- My guy's a no-show.
- Were you on time? For the time you gave me.
So does this mean a soul is gonna rot now? He had an appointment.
- He missed it.
- So? So buttons.
Don't you listen? Somebody doesn't show up, the appointment gets cancelled.
- It's rare but it happens.
- So he gets to live? - Consequence-free? - Till his appointment's rescheduled.
You said you can't reschedule.
You can't change fate.
Cardinal rule - everybody dies.
Every so often things don't go as planned.
So on a whim he goes to pick up doughnuts for the office and he gets to live? Sounds like instant karma.
No one mentioned death had a loophole.
That's really fucking unfair.
You like the ladies, right? Sure you do.
You and me, hop and pop? Clearwater casino, north of the border? - Drive up, fly back.
What do you say? - I'm easy.
Actually, I know some mates in Clearwater.
Here.
You might wanna ask for a late lunch.
- Where's Betty? - Incapacitated.
She's working on it.
Hello! There's been a mistake! Fate isn't always fickle.
Sometimes it sticks to what it knows.
Thanks for the ride, Joy.
I asked you not to call me that.
It's your name.
Don't you like your name? It's fine, but you don't need to say it unless someone asks you what it is, got it? You might want to nod or something to acknowledge that I've spoken.
- Thank you.
- Now can I go? Yes.
It was like watching reruns of my childhood.
I knew almost nothing about my sister.
I'm not even really sure what grade she's in.
Fifth, I think.
Help! - Hey, Lassie.
- Lass-hole.
How could someone so invisible to me be so visible to everyone else? Gross! Maybe because she acted like the princess of weird.
I sense you're not challenged.
Are you challenged, Millie? Sort of.
Cold and flu season is almost upon us.
We're about to get very busy.
How would you feel about having a weensy bit more responsibility? Uh - OK.
- That's the spirit.
United Insurance is looking for a filer with a positive attitude.
This is regarded as a low-interest position, so our options will be limited.
I'd like you to compile a list of remedial-skill avails for me and prioritise them.
- In what order? - Start with people who are best suited and work your way down to the dregs.
Isn't responsibility fun? As I worked through the dregs, I couldn't help but ponder the day I died.
What if I stayed in the office for my 35-minute lunch hour? What if I ate in the break room? What if I missed my appointment? What if it really was unfair? I may not have been able to save my life, but that didn't mean I couldn't save somebody else's.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Um My gynaecologist called and he needs to reschedule a little early, so if that's possible He just can't make up his mind, can he? - Yeah.
So is that OK? - Of course, don't be silly.
I hope it's nothing serious.
No, no.
I'm fine.
It's just - I'm fine.
- Is it a What? Are they doing a? Oh, uh-huh - Whatever it is, early detection is key.
- Yeah.
Last time I had a Pap, my ass stuck to the paper, so when my ob-gyn told me to slide down, the paper ripped.
He kept trying to pull more paper up from that little roll under the table and tuck it around my head, but that kept falling off too.
I tell you, we got to laughing.
I was laughing so hard he couldn't get the speculum in because my muscles were all tense, because of the laughing.
You know, I think that was one of my best laughs ever.
- You got 14.
Dealer has 16.
Hit or stick? - Don't know.
- Why aren't you watching the table? - Don't know.
You hit.
Somehow, the guy next to you busts.
Do I like this guy? He's your fellow man.
Of course.
You took his card.
He doesn't wanna be your friend.
- He's crying into his beer.
- Then I would stick.
Someone can blow it for the whole table.
- So don't let her sit at the table.
- She's already sitting.
- Don't get excited.
- I'm not excited.
What are you talking about? You probably should have this conversation with George.
- Why you doing this to me? - What? - Nothing.
- I'm not doing anything.
- Just take a breath.
- I'm breathing fine, Mason.
Good.
If you want, I'll talk to her.
I don't want you talking to anybody.
I'm sorry I brought it up.
- Don't be sorry.
- It was a mistake.
- We were having a chat.
- I should say it to George.
- We didn't have this conversation.
- What conversation did we have? Who gives a shit? Not this one.
Gary, I thought you came in here to exercise.
- I did.
- What happened? Nothing.
I'm exercising.
What are you talking about? I found a way to work out and read at the same time.
I do that every day, Gary.
You see our treadmill has a book stand.
Can you cook and work out at the same time? Or drive? - Of course not.
- Well, now you can.
- What is that? - A miracle.
No more crunches, no more sit-ups.
All I have to do is simply turn it and burn it.
All you have to do for your Absolver is send I found PJ Monroe almost two miles from where he was scheduled to die.
- I'm sorry.
Mr Monroe isn't available.
- Did you tell him it's important? - He's on his way out.
- It'll only take a second.
He's not gonna see you.
He doesn't know who you are.
I'm the girl his son drugged, and it's regarding him video-taping me while homeless people had sex with my unconscious body.
I'll double-check.
A stream of lies spewed from my mouth, each one more elaborate than the last.
I drew on everything I ever read in Penthouse Forum and made it my own.
I was queen of deception, and I was on fire.
By the time I finished, I almost believed it myself.
.
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woke up someplace else.
You don't show up for your appointment, it gets cancelled.
- Cancel my two o'clock.
- Rare, but it happens.
I would like to give you some money.
And instant karma to boot.
PJ Monroe should be running a red light to make his two o'clock, but he's not.
Excuse me.
I am so sorry.
My sister's card.
Call her.
She's a lawyer.
She will crucify that little son of a bitch.
- Thanks.
- OK.
Mason and Rube had popped the busload of gamblers and were flying home standby.
- Where are you going? - To kill that fucking baby.
I'm just kidding.
I love babies.
I gotta make a sissy.
Back in two shakes.
But tempting fate is another issue altogether, especially when you're supplementing your income smuggling drugs up your ass.
While Rube was being fickle-fingered, I was returning to Happy Time with a click in my heel.
I was strong.
I was invincible.
I beat the system, righted a universal wrong, but what about the variables? Not even Herbig, who sanitises herself to the point of pathology, can account for all the variables.
These are the remedial-skills avails that Delores asked for.
I'll just leave 'em on her chair.
I was just writing you a note.
How'd it go? - How did what go? - The Pap.
Oh.
Fine, fine.
It's all good.
- I was just - When d'you get the results? Um Uh - A couple of days.
- That's quick.
By the time I get my results, I forget I've had the test.
- I hope they don't make you repeat it.
- They won't.
They will if it's abnormal.
Listen, I left you a Bowes catalogue.
Your workspace is a little sparse.
Why don't you get yourself a blotter and one of those jelly wrist supports? OK.
Pull your pants down around your ankles and bend over, please.
OK.
I was kidding about the baby.
You want me to say sorry? I'll say I'm sorry.
It's every Saturday for ten weeks.
I thought it might be something fun we could do together.
- I have yoga on Saturdays.
- Well, you could do both.
What do they make you do? Undies too, sir.
It's a pottery class.
You make pottery.
What kind? Coffee mugs, bowls.
Can't you just buy those at the store? Would you prefer to paint? I'm gonna have to ask you to lean into me.
Just a kind of general apology? To whom it may concern? He's clean.
Put your clothes back on.
You're free to go.
Thanks.
I'm gonna pretend this didn't happen.
I think something just broke.
I'm gonna kill that fucking baby.
You're very well liked here.
- I am? - Absolutely! I've never seen someone find their place so quickly.
It really feels like you're one of us.
But this part-time business, it just isn't working out for you.
I'd like you one more day a week.
What do you say? Uh, what day? Tuesday, so we get you Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
OK.
Somehow I was failing upward.
Wonderful! That makes me very happy.
I stood out because I was the only one standing.
Delores Herbig.
Why, hello, Sandra Sherman.
Thank you so much for returning my call.
Yes, yes, I do.
Are you still available? Wonderful! You just made my day.
Have Crystal call Deloitte & Touche and say we got that executive assistant.
Sandra! She had her little secret, and that secret was safe with me.
For all I know, it was her cosmic role to spread disease, and for all she knew, I was the enemy.
Um Delores asked me to ask you to I couldn't bring myself to give her an order, even if it was from someone else.
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for the number to the lady at Deloitte & Touche.
Thanks.
And just so you know, I won't tell anyone about what you did, OK? What did I do? Even after thwarting fate itself Nothing.
.
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Crystal still intimidated the shit out of me.
Never mind.
- Hi.
- I just got off the phone with Marilyn.
You're making friends all over the place, aren't you? Good.
But I said I wanted Crystal to make that call.
I couldn't say Crystal scared the shit out of me, so I said: She seemed really busy and I didn't wanna bother her.
Crystal was busy? I'm sorry.
Were you about to use the phone? I was just calling you to see if there was anything I could do to help.
I became aware of the words after they left my mouth.
I like the way you show initiative, Millie.
I like it a lot.
I'd better watch my back.
Pretty soon you'll have my job.
Only after you get a promotion.
I felt dirty.
Well, keep up the good work, and thank you.
You're welcome.
You could learn a thing or two from that girl.
Everybody's on the clock tonight.
I think I should probably bow out.
I'm feeling unwell and a bit stopped up.
That's not an option.
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
- These are right next to each other.
- Is a balcony gonna collapse? - Some don't even have times.
- You got an eight-hour window.
It's all a bit of a hiccup.
Nobody expects perfection.
- Is there gonna be an earthquake? - A bus of ladies going over a cliff? I know just the one.
It seemed like a good time to slip in under the radar.
I forgot to tell you, my last guy didn't show up.
Just thought you might wanna know.
What's the soup today? Cream of bullshit.
I stood at the intersection for like an hour and nothing happened.
Pretend a few days have gone by and you rethought this lie.
You're sad, repentant, because you had an epiphany.
I'm not lying.
- Jesus! - Peanut, people lie all the time.
- It's not a bad thing.
- Sweet Jesus! You're just misguided.
How's about trying some honesty out for size? I can't seem to make my fingers work.
A little help here, please? - What have you got to say for yourself? - Help me.
Help me.
Jesus.
I'm not lying.
If a lie is big enough, there's a need to protect it.
- It's almost maternal.
- Thank you, Jesus.
I could only pray there wasn't any surveillance footage linking me to PJ Monroe and his non-death.
I can't get this.
I planned to call as little attention to myself as possible.
It landed on my wank.
My wank is the key.
That was the plan anyway.
- Have you thought about having a wank? - No.
I saw a dirty movie about a girl who had a wank.
- She looked like a boy with fake tits.
- Will you please stop talking? Athletic supplier Monroco issued a massive recall of their latest product Absolver.
I want to say that the Monroe corporation is deeply troubled by the loss of life.
It slowly dawned on me that I may have made a mistake.
I didn't know PJ Monroe was contemplating the latest risk-assessment warning from Legal when I paid him a visit.
I didn't know he was surprised to learn, after months of exhaustive testing, Product Safety had determined that people who exercise sweat.
I didn't know that sweat when combined with an un-ground electrical current could result in what the boys in the lab nickname a belly fire.
But I did know PJ Monroe was distracted and not thinking clearly that day.
The potential dangers of the Absolver were somehow far from his mind.
You're not my son! I didn't teach you to treat women that way.
What the hell's the matter with you? Are you insane? I'll kill you! I don't think this is what Delores had in mind when she said responsibility is fun.
May I have your attention, please? Rube was tap-dancing about an after-life fuck-up with the Absolver souls.
.
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a little off guard today.
There's just a bit of a backlog and I appreciate your patience.
I apologise.
This is just terribly embarrassing.
Look Before you go anywhere, I'm gonna give you the name of somebody whose magic just does wonders.
You'll be happy.
I wanna thank you for understanding.
I had this one dude and he had these electrical belts all over his body.
He looked like the Bionic Man, Bionic Woman, Six Million Dollar Man, whatever that shit is.
I don't why these people do this.
You know that lady on Three's Company with the big titties? I did her thing.
Her butt-blaster, ass-master Whatever.
Anyway, I looked ridiculous.
Are you high? I've got illegals in my bottom.
- Why do you do this to yourself? - I don't know.
You're taking this awfully hard.
I just feel really bad about all the people that had to die accidentally.
Is that it? I thought maybe you saw the news and were feeling shitty about what you did.
Pulled the wrong piece out.
A hiccup is when something happens that's not supposed to happen.
The system has to figure out what that something is and fix it.
- PJ Monroe.
- I'm sorry.
What'd you do? Slash his tyres, have him arrested? I just talked to him.
Must have been some conversation.
- I guess.
- I hope it was worth it.
- You got the hots for the guy? - No! - Did he give you some money? - No! Help me out.
I just wanted to see if I could do it.
I need somebody to give me lessons on how to communicate with you, peanut, 'cause I'm at a loss.
The coin's in the slot and the gumball's on its way and I'm plumb out of wisdom.
I'd start sleeping with the lights on.
I didn't know if that was a threat or a warning.
Rube washed his hands of me, but that didn't mean I was off the hook.
It only got worse.
I broke the rules.
The gravelings declared hunting season on my ass.
Ow! Rube was only responsible for us up to a point.
No, no, no.
Do I look like I own rubber sheets? You're sleeping on the floor.
- You're not making me sleep on the floor? - Sure I am.
Let me get a pillow.
It's a nice pillow.
Sleep tight.
It was sad to realise he'd have my back, if I hadn't already turned it on him.
I'm putting a pan next to your head for throw-up.
It's right next to your head.
The burden of spreading disease didn't rest solely on Crystal's shoulders.
After all, there's lots of ways to spread disease.
For Christ's sake! Ow! Fucker! Shit! I didn't know you used that kind of language, Millie.
I don't.
It just really hurt.
Well, it's a very aggressive word.
I know.
It's just I won't say it again.
I'm sorry.
Do you see how red it is? Maybe you'd better get some ice on that.
All around me the bridges were burning.
I feel like I've been poisoned.
Have you been poisoned? No, not on purpose.
I had some bad salmon once.
- I don't touch it any more.
- Was it salmon mousse? I don't know.
It was canned.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Why are you leaving? - You'll put me in a bad mood.
And I don't wanna be in a bad mood.
- Do you not like me? - Not right this minute.
You're a constipator.
You disturb my shit.
I think you're marvellous.
This is not your role model.
In case you haven't noticed, I'm really sorry.
You'll be sorry till I forgive you or till you stop doing stupid things.
- You never tried to save anybody? - No.
- Have you? - I need to be unconscious.
I know I piss you off, but you piss me off too.
- I piss you off? - You accept everything the way it is.
- Why don't you ask questions? - I'm not curious.
If you don't get this right, someone'll drop a toilet seat on you.
Give this to Roxy when she shows up.
Here.
I got something.
Buy yourself a waffle.
Cherry on top.
Do you think I'm a constipator? Heed his advice and stay on his good side.
He's like a volcano.
He erupts and he spews lava, and all the little villagers, they run around for their lives.
But he stops and you can go back to the safety of your own home.
How long is he gonna stay mad? I've seen him stay mad for years.
I've seen it, but not like this, pit-bull mad.
It's like this disturbing, simmering, quiet rage mad.
But he likes you, George.
He'll stay mad for less time.
Days? Weeks? - What's the other one, after that one? - Months? That's the one.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Why aren't you at work? - Called in sick.
Come in.
- I have to wash my hands.
- No, you don't.
- I have dirt under my fingernails.
- You're not fooling anyone.
Sit down.
What's with that bird, Reggie? - You didn't kill it, did you? - I found it like that.
Any other dead animals here I should know about? No.
Keeping a dead animal in your toy box is something a crazy person does.
- I'm not crazy.
- Garbage man wouldn't even take it.
I had to call Animal Control and the health department before someone would pick it up.
What do you want me to do about it? I don't like where we're headed.
I don't I hate it so much.
I love you, Reggie.
Every time I talk to you, I feel like we're little rats in a cage, and we keep touching that goddamn bar, and we keep getting shocked.
We don't effing learn.
Doesn't it make you tired? 'Cause I'm tired.
You missed me, motherfucker! - Did you see that thing fall down? - You have a flat tyre.
I walked out my truck, the shit fell down.
May I have some juice? These brats egged my car.
Then this bitch comes up to me.
$25 ticket.
So? Pay the damn ticket.
It's been a fucked-up week.
In that moment, I understood Roxy more than ever before.
A piece of the puzzle had fallen into place.
It was like finding out someone's parents are psychiatrists or Catholic.
Roxy had an even shittier job than me.
I don't know how she put up with it.
I didn't know JH Arnold was the sunshine after a long dark night of assholes.
I didn't know he greeted his ticket with a smile and said, "You got me.
" I didn't know he shared his favourite candy, the candy his silver-haired mother shipped to him special on birthdays and holidays.
And I didn't know she got his name on a Post-it almost a year to the day after their brief but fateful meeting.
But I do know there was something about him she thought was worth saving, because she changed his fate.
I don't know how, but she did.
They made her breath smell like ass, but the Peanut Poppies won her over.
She'd never admit it, so there was no point in asking.
I saw the words coming out.
I didn't understand a word.
- You got a flat tyre.
- I heard you.
Is one of those mine? Thank you.
So I bought Crystal a present, a shoe gift-wrapped in dog turd.
I'd been bitch-slapped by fate.
But does that make me fate's bitch? They say if you mess with the bull, you get the horns, but what if the bull hung the cape over you and said red was your colour? I could easily replace the light bulb, but the smell of dog shit under her desk was gonna linger.
Whether it be wrestling with fate or engaging in the art of war, sometimes a ceasefire is necessary.
After a long protracted battle, was I finally forging an ally? Maybe fate doesn't always have the last word.
Maybe fate doesn't want the last word.
The first step in taxidermy is to have your wires measured and cut.
One of you needs to hold the specimen.
Pull the tips of the wings to full extension, while your partner threads the wire between the bone and the feathers, starting with the scapulars and into the contoured feathers.
Your feather work and attention to detail is what makes your mount look alive.
Penne with mushrooms, northern Italian style, pinch of tarragon, light on the oil.
Touch of vermouth.
I use Aqua di Via.
Extra dry.
Not that cheap domestic crap.
ww.
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