Dead Ringers (2002) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 What can I say, Lennox? Paula Radcliffe offered me a good time if it went her way.
Tony Blair says that Britain will provide air cover for the American invasion of Iraq, utilising planes capable of leaving the ground beneath them totally devastated - Concorde.
If the tail fin doesn't get them, the other bits will.
People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister.
Embarrassed forehead, fake Rolex, dodgy wife.
You'd think that I'd be furious with Cherie for getting mixed up with a con man like Peter Foster.
You assume I'd be angry with Cherie for ruining our good name.
But I'm not.
No, because my name is not Tony Blair.
No.
My name is Enrico "The Condor" Martinez.
You thought that "Third Way" rubbish was real? It's not the first time I've done this.
I was President of Bolivia for seven years before I was rumbled.
But that won't happen here.
I've got Peter "Fingers" Mandelson in a jet waiting to spirit me away with £20 billion of Gordon Brown's loans and my Page 3 model girlfriend.
All I have to do is find another bunch of suckers gullible enough to make me leader.
USA.
Perfect.
Shifty eyes, swarthy face, offshore bank account.
See you later, suckers.
Don't believe the press.
What happened in Munich was self-defence.
I was just sat there, when this nutter comes up to us with this big metal object.
God knows what damage he could've done.
So, naturally, I decked him.
He'll think twice before giving me emergency dental treatment.
Anyway, I like this.
I can fit more fags in, know what I mean? We are the Cheeky Girls.
Touch my bum.
This is life.
More on that story later.
There was a shock reaction to a foul-mouthed outburst by Charlotte Church at a concert in Cincinnati.
To discuss this, I'm joined by geriatric shag-maniac Mick Jagger.
- All right, Kirsty.
- Can you believe Charlotte saying "(BLEEP) off.
I don't do no meet and greet" to a wheelchair-bound fan? No, the thing is, she was well out of order, actually, because Keith Richards deserves a lot more respect than that.
(SQUEAKS) Surely 16-year-old Charlotte is old enough to know better.
- She's old enough to be your girlfriend.
- Well, that's quite true, but, no, it's not Charlotte's fault.
When she started getting successful in the music business, she went to swearing school.
And this, presumably, is common practice.
Oh, yeah! We all get sent there.
It's the only way to get street cred.
And Charlotte Church did train with the master.
All right, Charlotte.
You might have the voice of an angel, but you ain't gonna get nowhere unless you've got the mouth of a (BLEEP)ing trucker.
Now, it's for your own good.
Pay attention.
"I am (BEEP)ed.
" "You are (BEEP)ed.
" "They are (BEEP)ed.
" "He, she or it is (BEEP)ed.
" "We're all (BEEP)ing (BEEP)ed.
" Now, what's the collective noun for a load of (BEEP)ers? A (BEEP)ing load of (BEEP)ing (BEEP)ers.
Now, have you done your homework? No, I haven't done my homework.
Not "I haven't done it".
It's "I haven't (BEEP)ing done my pissing homework".
And don't (BEEP)ing tell me that your dog ate it, because I ate the (BEEP)ing dog.
- Stay there until you finish it.
- Do I (BEEP)ing have to? By Jove, I think she's got it.
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING) - Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Thank you for joining one on Her Majesty the Queen's QVC value shopping channel.
We have an extraordinary array of gifts, exclusively available to members of the Royal household, because we can't be arsed paying them proper wages.
They can be yours on a nod and a wink, because we get more free gifts than I've insulted foreigners.
First is this beautiful diamond-encrusted antique tiara.
Now, Philip, I believe this is one of yours.
That's right, Liz.
It was given to me by an Arab, so I've no desire to keep the bloody thing whatsoever.
In the shops, this would set you back £20,000.
But you can have it for the bargain price of sod all, provided you're one of those peasants who cleans our toilets, brushes Charles's teeth or satisfies Edward's every demand.
The tiara is elegantly presented in this carrier baglike so.
And, Liz, that makes it perfect for carting round to a society jeweller's , so you can flog the tiara for more dosh than Harry spends on hashish.
Join us after the break for more exciting offers, like this - a fully self-collapsing trial.
This new Windsor model allows a £2-million court case to fold to virtually nothing in seconds.
- What a bargain! - Cheap as chips! Starting in a few minutes on ITV, "News At Ten" with Trevor McDonald.
Warning - may contain news.
G'day.
Welcome to "Animal Hospital".
I've got a brand-new pathologist with me on the show.
So, Professor Ryan, what can you tell from this little fella? Well, what we've got here is a man, 44 years of age, who lived in Hull, supported Bristol Rovers, had an affair with his secretary and who drove a Ford Capri with a stripe.
It's a cute little hamster with a dicky tummy.
- I'm afraid you're wrong, Ryan.
- Wrong? Oh, I'm never wrong.
I'm Professor Sam Ryan.
Ghandi with a medical degree.
Look at the smile, the glimmering smile that reveals the truth within.
Stone the dingos, Ryan! The thing's a gerbil! Talk to the smile, 'cause the face isn't listening.
I can also deduce that my air of superiority is so annoying that any minute now I'm going to be hit by an elderly bearded Australian man brandishing a wobble board, who did a cover of " Stairway to Heaven" - and once had an extra leg.
- # Diddle-iddle-iddle-um # (WHACK) What a turn-up, viewers.
Seems she was right.
Look at my glimmering smile Good evening, my fellow citizens of the United States of Amoeba.
Together with my White House staff, we have been studifying Saddam Hussein's 11,000-page dossiere for some 24 hours now.
This is what we've made of it so far.
Saddam claims that we are looking for any excuse to attack his country.
My generals have assured me that is a completely erogenous statement.
The conditions for war being avoided are simple.
First, Iraq must comply fully with the UN resolution and declarify all their weapons of mass destruction.
Second, the Iraqi parliament must be dissolved and the running of the country handed over to Rachel from "Friends".
Third, Ramadan must be replaced with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
Furthermore, every mosque in Baghdad must be converted into a Starbucks.
All Iraqi women must stop wearing burqas and adopt as their national dress an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini.
Dearest Reginald, I must confess, brother, that of late I have found myself quite taken with Mr Parcy.
My dear Jane, I must urge caution on your behalf.
He has a reputation as something of a cad in polite society.
Parcy has a roguish eye for many an eligible young lady.
- Surely not.
- I tell you, he is a complete blackguard.
- Ah, here he comes.
- Hello, darling Jane.
Yes, it is I, Ian McKellen, aka villainous cad Mr Parcy.
Don't speak too soon, McKellen! Not you again, Rickman! This deliciously over-the-top villain's role is mine! Never.
If anyone is to deflower that virgin in an implausibly melodramatic 19th-century manner, it'll be me.
But everyone knows I'm far more moustache-twirling and cruel than you are.
Yes, but I'm more stiff-necked than you, and I do a great set of arched eyebrows.
McKellen, I'll get your Regency super-villain role.
Not if my miniature cannon has anything to do with it! That puny thing is no match for my Regency bazookoid blaster.
Oh, no! In their rampant desire to humiliate me, they've killed each other.
Where will I find another rakish villain at such short notice? Hello! I'm Brian Blessed! Sod off, fatty.
If you win the Boxing Day test match, you'll find it's just as easy starting a bush fire in Melbourne as it is in Sydney.
Notorious conman Tony Blair, aka Enrico "The Condor" Martinez, has fled the country, leaving a trail of innocent voters he swindled.
Yeah, he played me for a right mug.
He promised I'd get a top-of-the-range Y-reg cabinet minister, but instead I ended up with this.
In regards to and furthermore and if I could just return to my first point.
I've had my say, so I'll have yours as well and whereas and in so far as in so much and you'll find in so much that so far is so much and so much is so far then.
That's when the voters realised they'd been fobbed off with a cut-and-shut politician.
John Prescott was the back of Denis Healey welded onto the front of a 1973 Morris Hillman.
But this man fared even worse, as he fell for Blair's smooth-talking patter.
Yes, I was completely taken in by the crook.
I handed over 20,000 in good faith for this timeshare scheme he was flogging for a Downing Street property.
I should have known, but how am I going to explain to the wife that I'm not now going to be Prime Minister for two weeks next June after all? Come, my young apprentice.
Remember, these salesmen can be very wily.
We'd best keep our wits about us.
Ah, I sensed you.
How much is this ship? - This one is £12,799.
- I need passage to Aldershot so I hope it could get me there.
- Could it get me to Aldershot? - Oh, there and further.
Quite a reasonable size boot.
It can take big cases, if you ever have one.
It's a fine cargo hold.
Plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two druids and no questions asked.
- It's got a CD as well.
- A long time ago, I had a Ford Galaxy, far, far away.
I like that you can see a metric speedometer.
Metric.
No Imperial entanglements.
So a ship of this type, how fast may it go? 120 miles an hour, which is quite fast.
You're not meant to do them speeds, anyway.
- But could it outrun Imperial vessels? - Quite a few.
Quite a few, you know? - What about the handling on this ship? - The road-holding is great.
- So, very good handling? - Very.
- Could it resist a tractor beam? - Er, possible.
I not certain.
All the features on the vehicle are simple to see.
We like to indicate what they do.
This light metallic colour is very pleasant, too, isn't it? - You like that, yeah? - Yes, I do Yes.
The colour of my last car was a little on the dark side.
- Can you spread the cost? - Yeah.
What sort of period would you like? We can arrange that.
No problem.
I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot.
You've been very helpful.
Very helpful indeed, my friend.
I foresee you will become a great master one day.
(HEAVY BREATHING) I sense it, too, my young apprentice.
We meet again, old man.
The circle is now complete.
You cannot win, Darth.
If you strike me down, you'll lose your no-claims bonus.
Your bakery products are weak, old man.
Luke! No No, I don't think I can do this.
OK, cut there.
Look, Saddam, we've talked about this.
Apologising to Kuwait didn't work.
The dossier didn't work.
It's your last chance to soften your image.
OK.
And you're sure this will work? Trust me.
It will be great.
OK.
From the top.
I'll never forget the very special moment when my grandfather sat me on his knee and gave me my first Werther's Original.
Now I'm the grandfather, with a special little boy of my own Are you smiling at me? You want my Werther's ?! I'll give you my fist! Werther's Originals - I like them much more than anthrax.
This is the diary of Captain Scott.
The date is March 27th 1912.
We are caught in a terrible blizzard.
Fuel and supplies are desperately low.
Someone must be sacrificed.
I have come upon a way of deciding.
A brutal method but necessary.
Quite right, Captain.
So, polar exploration party, you've banked a feeble two powdered eggs and half a Kendal mint cake.
Who's dragging you back? Who's gone south in more ways than one? Who's the biggest ice-berk on the continent? It's time to vote off the weakest explorer.
Scott of the Antarctic.
You voted for Captain Oates.
Why? - I don't think he can make it.
- You've hardly covered yourself in glory.
You said you'd reach the pole first, but Amundsen beat you by? - A month.
- Hardly a photo finish, was it? - We had technical problems - Save it for the penguins, beardy.
Captain Oates, by a unanimous vote, you are the weakest explorer.
Goodbye.
I'm going outside now and I may be gone some time.
You'll be gone forever, matey.
Now shove off! Friday night on BBC1, we'll discover who has won "Fame Academy", as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity and, helped by designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, hurls them straight back into obscurity.
As Overseas Development Minister, I obviously welcome the deal between the French and the British governments to close the Sangatte refugee camp.
As it turns out, it was a straight swap.
Britain takes hundreds of Kurdish asylum seekers and the French agree to take me.
Tony Blair figures he'll get far less bad press from hundreds of Kurds arriving than from me opening my bizarrely constricted mouth.
As the new Bond film "Die Another Day" breaks box office records in America, the production is still plagued by complaints about excessive product placement.
So, you fiend, you've lured me to your secret lair.
That's right, Mr Bond, and there's no way you can escape.
What is this infernal creation you've strapped me to? This, Mr Bond? This is Dr Diabolical's all-new Superhero Slice-A-Matic Deluxe 4000.
The Superhero Slice-A-Matic Deluxe 4000 is the labour-saving killing machine.
It slices.
It dices.
It purées.
It even makes soup! All with the minimum of effort.
It's the torture machine no super-villain should be without.
Now with new improved George Foreman drip tray for a 60% less greasy slaughter.
- So, you expect me to die? - No, Mr Bond I expect you to buy.
Hi, kids.
Yes, it's that time of the morning again.
The Brightly Coloured Blobs! Flommit, what's happened to your flommumbrella? Everyone knows Flommit loves his flommumbrella.
You don't any more? You now love your new flommiracket? But won't the mummies and daddies be very cross at being forced to buy the same dolly, but with a different plastic accessory? And where will the mummies and daddies want to stick the flommumbrellas they wasted ten quid on three months ago? Yes, that's exactly where.
It was with great interest that I read of the Government's plans to give equal rights to same-sex relationships, but I would urge them to extend this beyond same-sex relationships to same-person relationships.
For instance, I, Brian Sewell, have been in a deeply devoted relationship with myself for many years.
I could never love anyone as much as I love me.
And so I have married myself, promising to love the sound of my own voice and listen to no one else's opinions for as long as I live.
My God, but I'm beautiful! A lot of people said, "Jimmy, why don't you do some stand-up comedy?" I thought, it's something I've never I haven't tried it before.
At the end of the day, if I don't try, I'll regret it, so here goes.
- (MAN) Good luck.
- Thank you.
(COMPÃRE) Here's a man, it's his first time as a comedian.
Please welcome Jimmy! (BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION) Yes, er Hello.
Yes.
Good to see you.
Yeah, erfunny, really.
This, you know, is my first, um (CLEARS THROAT) It is my first show, and obviously, I'm going to bea little bit nervous, but at the end of the day, people say, "Go out there and give it a go.
"See what happens.
" Listen to this.
Listen to this.
(MAKES SCUTTLING SOUND ) That's a funny noise, innit? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Anyway, do you remember the '70s? What is it they sayabout the '70s? At the end of the day, if you can't remember the '70s, then obviously some something quite bad probably happened, and you just erased it from your memory Something terrible, whatever it was.
Oh, God.
The other thing I was going to say was about my grandfather.
My grandfather, he used to tap dance on broken biscuits.
He did! He didn't break them.
They were already broken.
He used to just tap dance on them.
Again, not a joke, it actually did happen.
- (MAN) So, how do you feel that worked? - Oh! Oh, I don't know Just, the whole experience filled me with this overwhelming - I don't know - overwhelming sense of love and acceptance and adulation, I suppose.
- Really? - No, I died on my arse.
Elizabeth has for the last 30 years suffered from a condition which causes her to fall asleep suddenly for no apparent reason.
Tonight, we investigate the baffling state of narcolepsy.
I first developed the symptoms shortly before my wedding.
It's terribly inconvenient, given Iain's job as leader of the Conservative Party.
Absolutely, because I might want to discuss with Elizabeth my ambitious plan to slightly modify commercial property legislation, and yet, uncannily, that's just the moment when the narcolepsy often strikes.
Isn't it? There we go again.
And people say that narcolepsy only affects two in ten thousand people, but in my experience, it's becoming a real epidemic My name is Greg Dyke and I am Director General of the BBC.
Now, you might know that now she's stopped playing moany Lisa on "Eastenders", we're giving Lucy Benjamin her own cop show.
Why? I tell you why.
It's the same reason that Steven Tompkinson, Nick Berry and Pauline Quirke all ended up being gritty cops - because I once bet Gloria Hunniford that I could turn everyone in the BBC into hard-bitten detectives for my " Crime Doubles" shows.
Well, a bet's a bet, innit? Two quid I stand to win, and "everyone" means everyone.
A vicious gang war has erupted in London, and it's up to one hard-bitten cop to stop it.
Hello and welcome to the show! I'm AC/DC Dale Winton.
Blue? It's so last season.
- Doesn't look good, guv.
- You're telling me.
Blackheads, wrinkles, bags under the eyes I've got one word for you, sweetheart - Botox.
Your face is your fortune.
You've gotta get it done.
Here's a little tip for budding detectives out there.
You've gotta get yourself a good grass.
Organic wheatgrass.
Britney swears by it.
Guv, we found these stashed in a holdall outside.
It's just as I thought Chanel's Glimmering Evening Satin.
Should get some of this for Martine.
It's time to review our suspects, so let's release those balls! Mad Dog Murphy's been linked with brutal slayings 57 times this year.
Hacksaw Murphy could be lucky for some.
It might be the eighth appearance this year for Crazy Sam.
The bonus suspect is Dave the Hammer.
- Oh, and it's Killer Z! - Not seen him for a while.
Now then, sweetheart, I'm going to ask you a few questions.
Is this shirt Gucci? Because Tom Ford sent a lot of black down the catwalks this autumn.
- What? - Look at this gold chain.
I'm loving that! It's so retro.
I adore it.
Do you work out? You're in great shape.
Are those highlights? They really suit you.
Yeah.
Lot of Dickie Davidson going on.
It's nice.
I'm sorry, you've had those teeth professionally whitened.
- He has, hasn't he? - All right! I'll confess everything! Shipment times, distribution network I'll name names, everything, but please, please, no more compliments about my appearance! You are a pet.
Join us next week, when I hunt down a vicious serial killer, and S Club and Ricky Martin will be performing live! Till then, bye-bye.
For me, Russell Crowe, to truly relax between takes on a movie, I seek out the pleasure that only a sparse, heartfelt, moving piece of poetry can offer.
If not that, shagging the director's wife behind a trailer normally does the trick.
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got.
I'm just, I'm just Kirsty from the block.
More on that story later.
The Government's been accused of a fudge with its hunting bill.
- I'm joined by the Prime Minister.
- There's no fudge.
Furious green wellies, angry Barbour jacket, get-off-my-land teeth.
We simply decided against an outright ban on hunting in favour of a compromise proposal.
- Indeed? - Instead of the fox hunt, we're banning "Bargain Hunt".
The cruelty on display is simply abhorrent, as can be seen from this video smuggled out of BBC1.
Hello and welcome to "Bargain Hunt", with me, David Dickinson, the only person who saw the Austin Powers movies for the fashion tips.
I think today we're going to run a bargain hunter to ground.
(SQUEALS) (TONY) It's terrible to see dumb bargain hunters being set upon by baying dealers who force horrendous porcelain ducks, figurines and novelty hat stands on them.
People say it's harmless fun watching them suffer so terribly when this tat comes to auction, but I say it is barbaric.
Desperate to mobilise opposition to a ban, a massive rally organised by the Pro-"Bargain Hunt" Alliance will take place this weekend in central London.
We have one of the organisers on the line.
What the Government seems to have forgotten, Kirsty, is the terrible knock-on effect any ban would have on businesses.
Without my harmless activities, countless tanning salons and hairspray manufacturers would be driven out of business.
Many high-profile opponents to an outright ban have now started coming forward.
Bargain hunting is a noble British tradition.
Flogging off dodgy antiques to unsuspecting mugs has for countless generations been a way of life for my family and untold numbers of butlers here at the Palace.
Bargain hunting is part of the language.
I've lost count of the times I've looked at Edward and thought, "Could be a duffer.
" And over on BBC1 in a few minutes, a chance to see that advert for the BBC's Freeview digital service.
But if you miss it, it'll be on half an hour later, then again and again, throughout the night, until you want to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie.
If you don't deliver those Van Goghs as agreed, sunshine, it'll be more than your ears getting cut off.
As with Brooklyn, David Beckham had the name of his second child Romeo tattooed on his back.
Here's hoping he calls his next child Kick Me Hard.
Tony Blair says that Britain will provide air cover for the American invasion of Iraq, utilising planes capable of leaving the ground beneath them totally devastated - Concorde.
If the tail fin doesn't get them, the other bits will.
People of Britain, this is your Prime Minister.
Embarrassed forehead, fake Rolex, dodgy wife.
You'd think that I'd be furious with Cherie for getting mixed up with a con man like Peter Foster.
You assume I'd be angry with Cherie for ruining our good name.
But I'm not.
No, because my name is not Tony Blair.
No.
My name is Enrico "The Condor" Martinez.
You thought that "Third Way" rubbish was real? It's not the first time I've done this.
I was President of Bolivia for seven years before I was rumbled.
But that won't happen here.
I've got Peter "Fingers" Mandelson in a jet waiting to spirit me away with £20 billion of Gordon Brown's loans and my Page 3 model girlfriend.
All I have to do is find another bunch of suckers gullible enough to make me leader.
USA.
Perfect.
Shifty eyes, swarthy face, offshore bank account.
See you later, suckers.
Don't believe the press.
What happened in Munich was self-defence.
I was just sat there, when this nutter comes up to us with this big metal object.
God knows what damage he could've done.
So, naturally, I decked him.
He'll think twice before giving me emergency dental treatment.
Anyway, I like this.
I can fit more fags in, know what I mean? We are the Cheeky Girls.
Touch my bum.
This is life.
More on that story later.
There was a shock reaction to a foul-mouthed outburst by Charlotte Church at a concert in Cincinnati.
To discuss this, I'm joined by geriatric shag-maniac Mick Jagger.
- All right, Kirsty.
- Can you believe Charlotte saying "(BLEEP) off.
I don't do no meet and greet" to a wheelchair-bound fan? No, the thing is, she was well out of order, actually, because Keith Richards deserves a lot more respect than that.
(SQUEAKS) Surely 16-year-old Charlotte is old enough to know better.
- She's old enough to be your girlfriend.
- Well, that's quite true, but, no, it's not Charlotte's fault.
When she started getting successful in the music business, she went to swearing school.
And this, presumably, is common practice.
Oh, yeah! We all get sent there.
It's the only way to get street cred.
And Charlotte Church did train with the master.
All right, Charlotte.
You might have the voice of an angel, but you ain't gonna get nowhere unless you've got the mouth of a (BLEEP)ing trucker.
Now, it's for your own good.
Pay attention.
"I am (BEEP)ed.
" "You are (BEEP)ed.
" "They are (BEEP)ed.
" "He, she or it is (BEEP)ed.
" "We're all (BEEP)ing (BEEP)ed.
" Now, what's the collective noun for a load of (BEEP)ers? A (BEEP)ing load of (BEEP)ing (BEEP)ers.
Now, have you done your homework? No, I haven't done my homework.
Not "I haven't done it".
It's "I haven't (BEEP)ing done my pissing homework".
And don't (BEEP)ing tell me that your dog ate it, because I ate the (BEEP)ing dog.
- Stay there until you finish it.
- Do I (BEEP)ing have to? By Jove, I think she's got it.
(INDISTINCT MUMBLING) - Oh, hello.
- Hello.
Thank you for joining one on Her Majesty the Queen's QVC value shopping channel.
We have an extraordinary array of gifts, exclusively available to members of the Royal household, because we can't be arsed paying them proper wages.
They can be yours on a nod and a wink, because we get more free gifts than I've insulted foreigners.
First is this beautiful diamond-encrusted antique tiara.
Now, Philip, I believe this is one of yours.
That's right, Liz.
It was given to me by an Arab, so I've no desire to keep the bloody thing whatsoever.
In the shops, this would set you back £20,000.
But you can have it for the bargain price of sod all, provided you're one of those peasants who cleans our toilets, brushes Charles's teeth or satisfies Edward's every demand.
The tiara is elegantly presented in this carrier baglike so.
And, Liz, that makes it perfect for carting round to a society jeweller's , so you can flog the tiara for more dosh than Harry spends on hashish.
Join us after the break for more exciting offers, like this - a fully self-collapsing trial.
This new Windsor model allows a £2-million court case to fold to virtually nothing in seconds.
- What a bargain! - Cheap as chips! Starting in a few minutes on ITV, "News At Ten" with Trevor McDonald.
Warning - may contain news.
G'day.
Welcome to "Animal Hospital".
I've got a brand-new pathologist with me on the show.
So, Professor Ryan, what can you tell from this little fella? Well, what we've got here is a man, 44 years of age, who lived in Hull, supported Bristol Rovers, had an affair with his secretary and who drove a Ford Capri with a stripe.
It's a cute little hamster with a dicky tummy.
- I'm afraid you're wrong, Ryan.
- Wrong? Oh, I'm never wrong.
I'm Professor Sam Ryan.
Ghandi with a medical degree.
Look at the smile, the glimmering smile that reveals the truth within.
Stone the dingos, Ryan! The thing's a gerbil! Talk to the smile, 'cause the face isn't listening.
I can also deduce that my air of superiority is so annoying that any minute now I'm going to be hit by an elderly bearded Australian man brandishing a wobble board, who did a cover of " Stairway to Heaven" - and once had an extra leg.
- # Diddle-iddle-iddle-um # (WHACK) What a turn-up, viewers.
Seems she was right.
Look at my glimmering smile Good evening, my fellow citizens of the United States of Amoeba.
Together with my White House staff, we have been studifying Saddam Hussein's 11,000-page dossiere for some 24 hours now.
This is what we've made of it so far.
Saddam claims that we are looking for any excuse to attack his country.
My generals have assured me that is a completely erogenous statement.
The conditions for war being avoided are simple.
First, Iraq must comply fully with the UN resolution and declarify all their weapons of mass destruction.
Second, the Iraqi parliament must be dissolved and the running of the country handed over to Rachel from "Friends".
Third, Ramadan must be replaced with the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
Furthermore, every mosque in Baghdad must be converted into a Starbucks.
All Iraqi women must stop wearing burqas and adopt as their national dress an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini.
Dearest Reginald, I must confess, brother, that of late I have found myself quite taken with Mr Parcy.
My dear Jane, I must urge caution on your behalf.
He has a reputation as something of a cad in polite society.
Parcy has a roguish eye for many an eligible young lady.
- Surely not.
- I tell you, he is a complete blackguard.
- Ah, here he comes.
- Hello, darling Jane.
Yes, it is I, Ian McKellen, aka villainous cad Mr Parcy.
Don't speak too soon, McKellen! Not you again, Rickman! This deliciously over-the-top villain's role is mine! Never.
If anyone is to deflower that virgin in an implausibly melodramatic 19th-century manner, it'll be me.
But everyone knows I'm far more moustache-twirling and cruel than you are.
Yes, but I'm more stiff-necked than you, and I do a great set of arched eyebrows.
McKellen, I'll get your Regency super-villain role.
Not if my miniature cannon has anything to do with it! That puny thing is no match for my Regency bazookoid blaster.
Oh, no! In their rampant desire to humiliate me, they've killed each other.
Where will I find another rakish villain at such short notice? Hello! I'm Brian Blessed! Sod off, fatty.
If you win the Boxing Day test match, you'll find it's just as easy starting a bush fire in Melbourne as it is in Sydney.
Notorious conman Tony Blair, aka Enrico "The Condor" Martinez, has fled the country, leaving a trail of innocent voters he swindled.
Yeah, he played me for a right mug.
He promised I'd get a top-of-the-range Y-reg cabinet minister, but instead I ended up with this.
In regards to and furthermore and if I could just return to my first point.
I've had my say, so I'll have yours as well and whereas and in so far as in so much and you'll find in so much that so far is so much and so much is so far then.
That's when the voters realised they'd been fobbed off with a cut-and-shut politician.
John Prescott was the back of Denis Healey welded onto the front of a 1973 Morris Hillman.
But this man fared even worse, as he fell for Blair's smooth-talking patter.
Yes, I was completely taken in by the crook.
I handed over 20,000 in good faith for this timeshare scheme he was flogging for a Downing Street property.
I should have known, but how am I going to explain to the wife that I'm not now going to be Prime Minister for two weeks next June after all? Come, my young apprentice.
Remember, these salesmen can be very wily.
We'd best keep our wits about us.
Ah, I sensed you.
How much is this ship? - This one is £12,799.
- I need passage to Aldershot so I hope it could get me there.
- Could it get me to Aldershot? - Oh, there and further.
Quite a reasonable size boot.
It can take big cases, if you ever have one.
It's a fine cargo hold.
Plenty of room for me, my apprentice, two druids and no questions asked.
- It's got a CD as well.
- A long time ago, I had a Ford Galaxy, far, far away.
I like that you can see a metric speedometer.
Metric.
No Imperial entanglements.
So a ship of this type, how fast may it go? 120 miles an hour, which is quite fast.
You're not meant to do them speeds, anyway.
- But could it outrun Imperial vessels? - Quite a few.
Quite a few, you know? - What about the handling on this ship? - The road-holding is great.
- So, very good handling? - Very.
- Could it resist a tractor beam? - Er, possible.
I not certain.
All the features on the vehicle are simple to see.
We like to indicate what they do.
This light metallic colour is very pleasant, too, isn't it? - You like that, yeah? - Yes, I do Yes.
The colour of my last car was a little on the dark side.
- Can you spread the cost? - Yeah.
What sort of period would you like? We can arrange that.
No problem.
I can give you 2,000 now and 15,000 when we get to Aldershot.
You've been very helpful.
Very helpful indeed, my friend.
I foresee you will become a great master one day.
(HEAVY BREATHING) I sense it, too, my young apprentice.
We meet again, old man.
The circle is now complete.
You cannot win, Darth.
If you strike me down, you'll lose your no-claims bonus.
Your bakery products are weak, old man.
Luke! No No, I don't think I can do this.
OK, cut there.
Look, Saddam, we've talked about this.
Apologising to Kuwait didn't work.
The dossier didn't work.
It's your last chance to soften your image.
OK.
And you're sure this will work? Trust me.
It will be great.
OK.
From the top.
I'll never forget the very special moment when my grandfather sat me on his knee and gave me my first Werther's Original.
Now I'm the grandfather, with a special little boy of my own Are you smiling at me? You want my Werther's ?! I'll give you my fist! Werther's Originals - I like them much more than anthrax.
This is the diary of Captain Scott.
The date is March 27th 1912.
We are caught in a terrible blizzard.
Fuel and supplies are desperately low.
Someone must be sacrificed.
I have come upon a way of deciding.
A brutal method but necessary.
Quite right, Captain.
So, polar exploration party, you've banked a feeble two powdered eggs and half a Kendal mint cake.
Who's dragging you back? Who's gone south in more ways than one? Who's the biggest ice-berk on the continent? It's time to vote off the weakest explorer.
Scott of the Antarctic.
You voted for Captain Oates.
Why? - I don't think he can make it.
- You've hardly covered yourself in glory.
You said you'd reach the pole first, but Amundsen beat you by? - A month.
- Hardly a photo finish, was it? - We had technical problems - Save it for the penguins, beardy.
Captain Oates, by a unanimous vote, you are the weakest explorer.
Goodbye.
I'm going outside now and I may be gone some time.
You'll be gone forever, matey.
Now shove off! Friday night on BBC1, we'll discover who has won "Fame Academy", as the BBC plucks someone from obscurity and, helped by designers, choreographers and a million-pound prize, hurls them straight back into obscurity.
As Overseas Development Minister, I obviously welcome the deal between the French and the British governments to close the Sangatte refugee camp.
As it turns out, it was a straight swap.
Britain takes hundreds of Kurdish asylum seekers and the French agree to take me.
Tony Blair figures he'll get far less bad press from hundreds of Kurds arriving than from me opening my bizarrely constricted mouth.
As the new Bond film "Die Another Day" breaks box office records in America, the production is still plagued by complaints about excessive product placement.
So, you fiend, you've lured me to your secret lair.
That's right, Mr Bond, and there's no way you can escape.
What is this infernal creation you've strapped me to? This, Mr Bond? This is Dr Diabolical's all-new Superhero Slice-A-Matic Deluxe 4000.
The Superhero Slice-A-Matic Deluxe 4000 is the labour-saving killing machine.
It slices.
It dices.
It purées.
It even makes soup! All with the minimum of effort.
It's the torture machine no super-villain should be without.
Now with new improved George Foreman drip tray for a 60% less greasy slaughter.
- So, you expect me to die? - No, Mr Bond I expect you to buy.
Hi, kids.
Yes, it's that time of the morning again.
The Brightly Coloured Blobs! Flommit, what's happened to your flommumbrella? Everyone knows Flommit loves his flommumbrella.
You don't any more? You now love your new flommiracket? But won't the mummies and daddies be very cross at being forced to buy the same dolly, but with a different plastic accessory? And where will the mummies and daddies want to stick the flommumbrellas they wasted ten quid on three months ago? Yes, that's exactly where.
It was with great interest that I read of the Government's plans to give equal rights to same-sex relationships, but I would urge them to extend this beyond same-sex relationships to same-person relationships.
For instance, I, Brian Sewell, have been in a deeply devoted relationship with myself for many years.
I could never love anyone as much as I love me.
And so I have married myself, promising to love the sound of my own voice and listen to no one else's opinions for as long as I live.
My God, but I'm beautiful! A lot of people said, "Jimmy, why don't you do some stand-up comedy?" I thought, it's something I've never I haven't tried it before.
At the end of the day, if I don't try, I'll regret it, so here goes.
- (MAN) Good luck.
- Thank you.
(COMPÃRE) Here's a man, it's his first time as a comedian.
Please welcome Jimmy! (BAND PLAYS INTRODUCTION) Yes, er Hello.
Yes.
Good to see you.
Yeah, erfunny, really.
This, you know, is my first, um (CLEARS THROAT) It is my first show, and obviously, I'm going to bea little bit nervous, but at the end of the day, people say, "Go out there and give it a go.
"See what happens.
" Listen to this.
Listen to this.
(MAKES SCUTTLING SOUND ) That's a funny noise, innit? (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Anyway, do you remember the '70s? What is it they sayabout the '70s? At the end of the day, if you can't remember the '70s, then obviously some something quite bad probably happened, and you just erased it from your memory Something terrible, whatever it was.
Oh, God.
The other thing I was going to say was about my grandfather.
My grandfather, he used to tap dance on broken biscuits.
He did! He didn't break them.
They were already broken.
He used to just tap dance on them.
Again, not a joke, it actually did happen.
- (MAN) So, how do you feel that worked? - Oh! Oh, I don't know Just, the whole experience filled me with this overwhelming - I don't know - overwhelming sense of love and acceptance and adulation, I suppose.
- Really? - No, I died on my arse.
Elizabeth has for the last 30 years suffered from a condition which causes her to fall asleep suddenly for no apparent reason.
Tonight, we investigate the baffling state of narcolepsy.
I first developed the symptoms shortly before my wedding.
It's terribly inconvenient, given Iain's job as leader of the Conservative Party.
Absolutely, because I might want to discuss with Elizabeth my ambitious plan to slightly modify commercial property legislation, and yet, uncannily, that's just the moment when the narcolepsy often strikes.
Isn't it? There we go again.
And people say that narcolepsy only affects two in ten thousand people, but in my experience, it's becoming a real epidemic My name is Greg Dyke and I am Director General of the BBC.
Now, you might know that now she's stopped playing moany Lisa on "Eastenders", we're giving Lucy Benjamin her own cop show.
Why? I tell you why.
It's the same reason that Steven Tompkinson, Nick Berry and Pauline Quirke all ended up being gritty cops - because I once bet Gloria Hunniford that I could turn everyone in the BBC into hard-bitten detectives for my " Crime Doubles" shows.
Well, a bet's a bet, innit? Two quid I stand to win, and "everyone" means everyone.
A vicious gang war has erupted in London, and it's up to one hard-bitten cop to stop it.
Hello and welcome to the show! I'm AC/DC Dale Winton.
Blue? It's so last season.
- Doesn't look good, guv.
- You're telling me.
Blackheads, wrinkles, bags under the eyes I've got one word for you, sweetheart - Botox.
Your face is your fortune.
You've gotta get it done.
Here's a little tip for budding detectives out there.
You've gotta get yourself a good grass.
Organic wheatgrass.
Britney swears by it.
Guv, we found these stashed in a holdall outside.
It's just as I thought Chanel's Glimmering Evening Satin.
Should get some of this for Martine.
It's time to review our suspects, so let's release those balls! Mad Dog Murphy's been linked with brutal slayings 57 times this year.
Hacksaw Murphy could be lucky for some.
It might be the eighth appearance this year for Crazy Sam.
The bonus suspect is Dave the Hammer.
- Oh, and it's Killer Z! - Not seen him for a while.
Now then, sweetheart, I'm going to ask you a few questions.
Is this shirt Gucci? Because Tom Ford sent a lot of black down the catwalks this autumn.
- What? - Look at this gold chain.
I'm loving that! It's so retro.
I adore it.
Do you work out? You're in great shape.
Are those highlights? They really suit you.
Yeah.
Lot of Dickie Davidson going on.
It's nice.
I'm sorry, you've had those teeth professionally whitened.
- He has, hasn't he? - All right! I'll confess everything! Shipment times, distribution network I'll name names, everything, but please, please, no more compliments about my appearance! You are a pet.
Join us next week, when I hunt down a vicious serial killer, and S Club and Ricky Martin will be performing live! Till then, bye-bye.
For me, Russell Crowe, to truly relax between takes on a movie, I seek out the pleasure that only a sparse, heartfelt, moving piece of poetry can offer.
If not that, shagging the director's wife behind a trailer normally does the trick.
Don't be fooled by the rocks that I've got.
I'm just, I'm just Kirsty from the block.
More on that story later.
The Government's been accused of a fudge with its hunting bill.
- I'm joined by the Prime Minister.
- There's no fudge.
Furious green wellies, angry Barbour jacket, get-off-my-land teeth.
We simply decided against an outright ban on hunting in favour of a compromise proposal.
- Indeed? - Instead of the fox hunt, we're banning "Bargain Hunt".
The cruelty on display is simply abhorrent, as can be seen from this video smuggled out of BBC1.
Hello and welcome to "Bargain Hunt", with me, David Dickinson, the only person who saw the Austin Powers movies for the fashion tips.
I think today we're going to run a bargain hunter to ground.
(SQUEALS) (TONY) It's terrible to see dumb bargain hunters being set upon by baying dealers who force horrendous porcelain ducks, figurines and novelty hat stands on them.
People say it's harmless fun watching them suffer so terribly when this tat comes to auction, but I say it is barbaric.
Desperate to mobilise opposition to a ban, a massive rally organised by the Pro-"Bargain Hunt" Alliance will take place this weekend in central London.
We have one of the organisers on the line.
What the Government seems to have forgotten, Kirsty, is the terrible knock-on effect any ban would have on businesses.
Without my harmless activities, countless tanning salons and hairspray manufacturers would be driven out of business.
Many high-profile opponents to an outright ban have now started coming forward.
Bargain hunting is a noble British tradition.
Flogging off dodgy antiques to unsuspecting mugs has for countless generations been a way of life for my family and untold numbers of butlers here at the Palace.
Bargain hunting is part of the language.
I've lost count of the times I've looked at Edward and thought, "Could be a duffer.
" And over on BBC1 in a few minutes, a chance to see that advert for the BBC's Freeview digital service.
But if you miss it, it'll be on half an hour later, then again and again, throughout the night, until you want to rip your own face off and stick it up Steven Berkoff's jacksie.
If you don't deliver those Van Goghs as agreed, sunshine, it'll be more than your ears getting cut off.
As with Brooklyn, David Beckham had the name of his second child Romeo tattooed on his back.
Here's hoping he calls his next child Kick Me Hard.