Dead Set s01e04 Episode Script

'This programme contains very strong language and scenes of horror which some viewers may find disturbing.
' - It's the Big Brother live feed.
- Hurrah.
- My girlfriend works there.
- On that? Yes.
And I'm worried about her.
BANG! BOTH SHOUTING You're that fella off Big Brother, in't ya? You know, you're shorter in real life.
SHOUTING, GUNSHOTS It's not a bite! Bollocks.
I'm not taking the chance.
- No, please.
- Aargh! Aargh! Sorry.
SCREAMING SCREAMING Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hurry! GROWLING, SCREAMING - Are you gonna be sick? - No.
No! You're not doing that in here! Gray! (MAN) They're gonna keep pouring in from outside if we don't shut the gate.
(KELLY) As long as we're still breathing, we're smarter than them, and that's why we're gonna beat 'em.
That's her! She's alive! Good girl.
Good girl.
RATTLING SNARLING We've caned these.
Don't give me no more.
No problem.
GUNSHO Why do they keep coming towards the house like that? I'm glad they do.
Easier to pick off.
Yeah, but why? Some kind of primitive intuition, maybe.
They feel the need to be near us.
Don't forget, this place used to be like a church to them.
Maybe they can just smell bullshit.
GUN CLICKS (VERONICA) Get him.
Right, that's the last of 'em.
Clear for now.
Just the ones we can't see and those at the gates.
HOWLING, SCREAMING THUNDER RUMBLING SNARLING LOUD GROWLING DOOR RATTLING Fuck this.
Fuck this.
Yes.
Right.
Right.
Right, right.
WHIMPERING That's a light machine.
It's not a machine, it's a lamp.
Well, it lights up the room.
Well, it's dead now.
It's bad for the environment, wasting light.
I'm not wasting it.
I'm turning it into something else.
What, like recycling? If you like.
Then that's OK.
It's only 36 miles.
That's a long way on foot with those things around.
I'm not just going to sit here, am I? - You won't make it.
- I can't not try.
I mean, I can see her, do you know what I mean? Look, I can't just stay here and play farmhouse kitchen with you.
Look, we've got to think long-term.
No.
We're away from the cities.
There's a wall around these grounds.
We can eat veg from the garden and catch fish in the river.
What river? SCREAMING Stand up.
Fucking stand up.
Stand up! Go over to the door.
Move! Listen to me.
Stand there.
Put your hand on the door, on the fucking handle.
- I don't like it.
- Shut up and listen.
You're gonna open that door and you are gonna slam it, fucking slam it on her when she's halfway in.
Do you understand what "halfway" is? Do you understand? - Say, "Yes, I understand.
" - Yes.
Then are you ready? I don't like it.
It is this, or we take it in turns shitting in the bin until we starve to death.
Does that appeal? No? Then are you ready? Do not fuck this up.
All right? WHIMPERING Get ready.
CRYING Now! SCREAMING Oh, my God.
You killed her.
You've killed her.
You've killed Davina.
I hired her.
I can do what I like.
Oh, my God.
Result! Why didn't you tell me this ran into the grounds? You're the genius with the map.
This is the Blackwater.
Runs around the back of the studios.
- Yeah, so? - That's fate, that is.
We're safe here! And I have got to go.
Well! You can't just stay here on your own.
Alex! GROWLING, CHOMPING CHOMPING, GROWLING ENGINE REVVING I packed your bag.
Thank you.
What's with the axe? Where's the gun? No ammo.
There is.
You said there's one bullet left.
I only said that to make you feel better.
What would you have done if one of those things was in there? Outrun you.
LAUGHING Right.
REVVING ENGINE Heat.
Grazia.
Nuts.
Zoo.
Nuts and Zoo, man? Now that is the axis of wanking.
- Oh, Nando's.
- McD's.
- Classy.
- Let me tell you something, yeah? When you wake up and you've got a massive hangover, there is nothing better than a good Egg McMuffin.
Yeah, I'll give you that.
Kill or cure, innit? Come on, we're off track here.
- EastEnders.
- Lost.
Doctor Who.
It's a kids' show.
- It's not a kids' show.
- It is.
- The Sopranos.
- No, already finished.
We're talking about things that have ended prematurely because of this mess.
Come on, Jops.
If you want to play, get it right.
YouTube.
Facebook.
Oh, shit.
MySpace! Amazon.
Now you're on it! - Is this where you make Big Brother? - Yes.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! - Shut up.
She's a new one.
Hello? Hello? Hello.
Is this even working? Hello? (PA) Hello? Hello? - It's a voice.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, we're being rescued! YELLING, CHEERING Hello? Ssh, ssh, ssh.
Stop.
- Listen! - Is that one of the Big Brother voices? Patrick, is that you? Yeah, yeah, it's me, um - Kelly! - Kelly.
That's it.
Listen.
We are trapped in the gallery.
We? Who are you with? Are you OK? - Hello, Space! - Pippa? No way! I was stuck in the room, and he done a poo and it stank! What the fuckis wrong with you? (PATRICK) Listen, fuck the reunion.
You've gotta get us out of here.
Can you make your way across the car park? - Is it safe? - Ish.
- Ish? - We've closed the main gates, and cleared most of those in the compound.
- What do you mean, "cleared"? - That'll be me.
SHOOTING NOISES - Where the fuck did that come from? - It's a long story.
Fine.
Just come and get us out, then.
We can't.
We are trapped in here! How many of those things are up there? It's one thing shooting from here, another heading out there.
Says the man with the gun to me with the pointy stick! I'm sorry, mate, it's not worth the risk! Fuck you.
- What's he doing? - What are you doing? - What are you playing at? - Put the shutters up! - Is this guy for real? - Patrick.
Right.
No dialogue, just instant abuse of human rights.
Oh, fuck off, Shami Chakrabati.
Try this.
ALARM WAILING, ROOSTER CROWING Oh, my God! Patrick! - What are you doing? - Shut up.
ALARMS BLARING Stop it! Whose house do you think you're standing in, you stupid speck of shit? ALARM WAILING, ROOSTER CROWING (KELLY) Patrick! We're coming to get you.
Thank you.
ALARM STOPS Bollocks! - But Pippa's there as well.
- You can't go up there, man.
We've got guns.
They haven't.
SIGHING Stay here, then.
GUN RELOADING Space? GROWLING I've got you covered! GASPING Don't worry about it.
It's just Brian.
TEARING, CLAWING (KELLY) Fuck, it is Brian.
Come on.
Come on.
You took your time.
We should pass by an old abbey.
And then some woods half a mile later.
The studio's behind there.
All right.
So what's the best way back down? What am I, fucking invisible? I'm talking to you.
PIPPA AND SPACE LAUGHING (PATRICK) Fucking hell.
Yeah, what are you looking for? Crown Court? Come on.
It's worth a try.
- I heard something on the radio.
- What? - Some foreign voice.
- Saying what? I don't know! I don't speak foreigner.
You know, a foreign voice is good enough for me.
We're gonna find the nearest port, and get out of Britain.
- Come on.
- We can't.
Why not?! You'll see.
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, my God.
I don't like it.
They just keep coming.
DISTANT CRYING, SCREAMING Look, it's still not safe here.
We should get back into the house.
Oh, fuck.
It's the best place to be right now.
Shit, that's one of them, er"water door" things, innit? A lock, yeah.
Hurry.
- Everyone, this is Patrick.
- Hi, Patrick.
Oh, fuck it.
- Fucking starving.
- So are we.
Patrick, it's gotta last.
You've got a Biodome.
Grow some fucking courgettes or something.
Here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Not in here.
I'm trying to give up.
They won't listen.
Take it outside, you dirty bastard.
WHISPERING What? Pass me that peanut butter.
What's the magic word? Fuck off.
- What the? - Fucking hell.
GASPING Fuck! You all right? Do it.
I liked our farmhouse.
I'm so sorry.
I know.
Fuck! (KELLY) Look who's off the fag wagon.
Guy's a dickhead.
You don't wanna work under that.
Yeah, just let him walk it out.
Poor bastard's got a lot to come to terms with.
(VERONICA) And who ain't? The whole world's gone fucking tits up, and we don't even know why.
- (MARKY) It's a terrorist attack.
- (SPACE) No, it's bigger than that.
"And the sea gave up the dead which were in it.
"And death and hell delivered up the dead which were in them.
"And they were judged, every man, according to their works.
" Judgement Day.
It's in the Bible.
You can't wheel out the Bible.
- I thought you was an atheist.
- Yes.
You trying to say that God's punishing us for something? No, I'm not saying God If it's Iraq, I never agreed to that in the first place.
That wouldn't be fair.
Or the other place.
Palestinia.
I'm not even saying there is a god.
But if there is, maybe all this is happening because he or she or it is judging our culture and smiting us accordingly.
Yeah, but why be such a cunt about it? Fuck! Fuck! Oh, fuck! GROWLING, SNARLING SNARLING, GROWLING It's like a losers' convention in here.
- Proud of yourselves? - Want another fag, Patrick? Oddly enough, I don't, Kathy.
- Kelly.
- Yeah, whatever.
- We need an escape plan.
- Like we haven't thought of that.
Think of it as a task, if that helps.
Come on, we should hit the road! We can't get to the road no more.
You haven't fucking tried! Patrick, I agree with you.
Patrick.
I agree with you.
I do.
But there's no way through those gates.
You've seen them.
We've got the keys to a van.
So we'll just drive.
- We'll drive away! - We can't just drive past.
All right? They won't step aside like some fucking chambermaids.
We'll just, we'll We'll distract them! We'll distract them.
We'll bait them away, OK? We'll bait them away from the gates long enough and then we'll drive straight through.
(SPACE) With what? A ball of string? Look, they eat flesh, don't they? Right? That's what they eat.
We'll give 'em some.
There's a man-sized portion of Pedigree Chum laying right there.
- Fuck off! - We'll chop 'em up.
SCREAMING We'll chop 'em up! We'll toss the best bits to the fucking ghoulies.
They'll run after that.
Munch, munch, thanks very much.
We'll drive straight through.
You're not doing that.
I didn't say it was gonna be a genteel parlour game, you titted fucking idiot.
But it is worth a pissing shot! No.
No, no, no, it's not.
Actually, I think we should at least consider it.
(KELLY) What? Fucking hell.
You should come and help me with this! It's not as bad as it looks! Bunch of cowards.
I'll do it.
I'll fucking do it.
Have that.
Lovely.
Look at that.
What's the fucking matter with you? Bloody backwards fucking livestock.
GROANING Hey? Think you've still got a fucking audience? Do you? What are you gonna do? Fucking sit here? Breathing in each other's fucking bum clouds until the sky falls in? Pardon me, but I am a fucking bit more fucking ambitious than that.
A bit more fucking ambitious, thank you very much.
Come here, you.
If you had to fucking work for a living, instead of trying to do a fucking quick fix.
Hey? "Look at me! Look how famous I am! "I've been a twat on telly for two months.
" Maybe you'd know what that means? But, no.
Want it now, want it fucking now.
Well, come and get it.
CRYING Get this fucking bit out here.
Look at that! Precision! Bit of precision and pride in your job.
It's not a lot to ask, is it? Don't even Don't even know what that is.
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Look at this! What is that? Stop fucking crying.
This is an escape plan.
Kel! Are you gonna let this fruitcake get away with this bullshit? He's right.
Look, I'm sorry, but he is.
It's worth trying.
Space! Space! Oh, got a live one.
GUNSHO