Death Valley (2011) s01e04 Episode Script

It's all right, it's okay.
Keep going.
Keep going.
He's hairy, so what? Ah! Movie's over! That's a wrap! That's a wrap! One year ago Vampires, werewolves, and zombies Descended upon California's San Fernando Valley.
Authorities remain baffled by their origins.
Without a sound this nasty business gets so rotten I think it's time to put this body in the ground oh oh oh oh oh we're losing all control the buildings all turned to dust and I think it's getting closer 'cause they're coming for us What the hell are these guys doing here? Yeah, I don't know, maybe we'll get to cut out early.
Hey, would you tap that? - Who, Carla? - No, John-John.
What's the matter with you? I'm married.
What's the word, guys? Some actor went werewolf on the crew, I guess.
Yeah, come to daddy.
Bevo.
Jesus, John-John, the bat? How about grabbing the tranq-gun on this one? What? I got hands for both.
And besides, it's been a while since I had the chance to tear up some wolf ass.
Now you gonna hold me down on that baby or what, huh? That was a lot of syllables.
UhNo.
But if you're talking about taking down a werewolf, have at it.
As a matter of fact, why don't you guys take the inside, and me and Billy will take the perimeter? - Pussies.
- What's that all about? You scared of werewolves all of a sudden? Nah, I don't wanna put down a werewolf and be stuck doing paperwork here all night.
Ha! Where do you have to be? Parent-teacher conference, Lucille's first, so I wanna be there and hear how she's doing.
It's kindergarten, Stu.
How far behind could she be? Behind? That's impossible! We only feed her salmon and blueberries.
I wanna see how far ahead she is.
What the-- - What? - Oh.
We are waist-deep in a porn.
Gotta love the valley.
Hey, you wanna hear something funny? What you got? - Billy.
- Carla.
They're shooting a porn movie in here.
God damn it.
- That was good.
- I know.
All right.
Oh, my God.
Thank God.
Please tell me that you got him.
We'll get him.
Don't you worry.
Get him? That's, like, not even the same thing.
How is everybody in here doing? The girls got a little roughed up, but they're pretty good with that kind of stuff-- If you know what I'm talking about.
And the rest of us are fine.
We just can't find our makeup girl.
And we do a lot of close-ups.
Who are these guys? Oh, they're just doing a news piece.
Yeah? Hey, what do you guys shoot on? The red.
Why, what do you guys use? I have no idea.
I'm more about the [bleep.]
.
Were you here for any of this? I was, but unfortunately, I was in the bathroom masturbating the whole time.
- Excuse me? - Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not a real cop.
Nah, I'm just the insert guy.
You're gonna need to be clearer.
I'm the one who steps in if, you know, the talent has performance issues.
Do you watch porn? I do sometimes, but I'm gonna move on now.
Tell me about your werewolf.
Manny.
He's a consummate pro.
Just ask the girls, they'll tell you themselves.
And the makeup girl? Uh Mara.
She is the best in the business.
She can make a vagina look like a pair of Swedish baby thumbs.
You have to find her.
You have to make sure she's okay.
Billy, Stubeck.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Hanson - Hi.
- Mrs.
Hanson? Yes, yes.
You must be officer - Landry.
- Landry, that's right.
Oh, sorry, they're just doing a story on the UTF, - don't mind them.
- Oh, okay, sure.
- Jeffrey! - Coming.
It'll be just a second.
- No problem.
- So How do you like the UTF? I do, you know? It's, um, challenging.
And I'm guessing you're Mr.
Hanson? In the flesh.
And this is Eddie.
Well, this is my first time on lockdown, but I'm sure you guys know the drill.
We're coming up on a full moon, so I just need to make sure that you're in compliance with city ordinances regarding werewolves.
Of course, of course.
Do you wanna come in? - Please.
- Right this way.
- Thanks.
- Oh, sweetie! Jeffrey's room is right upstairs.
- Follow me.
- Okay, great.
- He is just the cutest.
- I know, isn't he? Oh, this is right where I bring his food.
We have plenty of deer in the fridge.
Okay.
Oh, here.
Go right ahead.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- After you.
- Wow.
Mrs.
Hanson, this looks great.
Thank you.
And are you in possession of the key? Oh, yes, yes.
Right here.
- Ah.
- Oh.
Honey, stop it.
One of these days.
Silly.
I can't believe they're in there shooting porn and we're out here with our thumbs up our asses.
We're looking for a werewolf, Billy.
And a makeup girl.
Why do you care so much about porn, anyway? I don't know.
Why do you care so little? I care that the girls in those movies are sad examples of childhood trauma and parental neglect.
Maybe they just like porn.
Yeah, that's probably it.
You don't think they have serious problems? I think cops have serious problems.
How much porn do you have, anyway? Two terabytes.
That's gibberish.
Is that a lot? I don't know.
Is 8,000 movies a lot? How do you even watch that many movies? I don't watch the whole movie, Stubeck.
I'm usually flushing tissues after the first scene.
Aw! What does that even mean? Oh, Jesus.
Do you know anything about porn? No, because I love my wife.
She gave me a calendar of boudoir photographs for our fifth anniversary.
What are we doing out here? I'm gonna tell them there's nothing going on out here.
What? Oh, no.
Nothing.
We've found the makeup girl.
The werewolf's in the house.
We've found the makeup girl.
I'm here with officer Joe Stubeck.
Only question is If you had a sex toy right in your face, would you recognize it? No, I probably-- Stop it! Get that away from me.
I guess not.
Hold on to this.
Why? It's not your property.
Lexi? Tori? Do I know you? No, but I know you guys.
I mean, I'm not a freak about it, but - You're close.
- Wow! You're pretty much a freak about it.
Billy, what do you say we get these girls out of here? - Yeah.
- Who are you? I'm the insert guy.
Yeah, you are.
Did you find Mara? Uh Let's talk about that later.
Everybody, get ready to bolt for the front door.
We think the werewolf is upstairs.
I don't think we have a clean path to the door.
Insert guy's right.
We'll split up.
Two of us stay here.
Two of us take down the werewolf.
- Staying here.
- I'm right with you.
Oh, that's shocking.
You guys are gonna stay here with the porn stars.
Carla, let's end this.
- Wow! - Hi.
So what is the name of this thing? I gotta know what to look for when it comes out.
Two girls, one cop.
- That is awesome.
- Yeah.
And if you look close, you can see me in the part with-- Quiet down, insert guy.
I didn't ask you to insert yourself into this conversation.
Okay.
That Billy's a piece of work, isn't he? I don't blame him.
Those girls are hot.
Hey, where'd you find the makeup girl? She came flying through a window.
But that's not what killed her.
She was torn up pretty good.
God, can you imagine a worse way to go? Eaten by zombies.
Or I have a fear about being buried alive.
I have nightmares about it.
It's kind of irrational, I know-- - I was just making small talk.
- Got it.
Sure, okay.
Evening, MrsTrager.
Sorry to interrupt, I just need to make sure that your husband is properly locked down.
No, of course.
The only thing is, we've already locked him in for the weekend, so.
That's great.
I just need to verify that.
But I told you, he's in his room.
You know, we have always complied with the city's lockup procedure.
Lockdown.
And I can't check you off my list until I come in and check for myself.
And I would have no problem with that except we just had our floors redone.
Um, Mrs.
Trager, either you're gonna have to let me in or I'm gonna force my way in.
He escaped, officer.
I am so sorry.
- How long ago? - About 40 minutes ago.
II must've waited too long to lock him in, and then he started acting up, and to be honest, I have no idea where he's gone to.
You have no idea at all? Well, uh, maybe he's gone up to the highway to chase cars or down by the creek, drinking.
Please don't hurt him! He doesn't know what he's doing! Ah, [bleep.]
.
Is this the first time you guys have been to a porn set? Trust me, it's usually not this exciting.
If you want, you can come by sometime.
That would beawesome.
You know, you guys could probably be porn actors.
- No, I could-- - You think so? - I always thought we could.
- Really? Yeah! What about you, Tori? You think I have what it takes to be a porn star? I don't know.
I haven't seen you naked.
Well, if you play your cards right, you just might, little rabbit.
Well, I hope I play my cards right, 'cause, gosh, I haven't seen a penis in, like, 20 minutes.
Porn humor.
20 minutes.
Yeah.
So what's the deal with your partner? Oh, you mean this clown over here? No, Carla.
She seeing anybody? The [bleep.]
do I know? Well, will you tell her something for me? Tranq! Tranq! Agh! Tranq! Ugh! And that's how you kick some wolf ass.
Hell yeah.
All right.
Nice work, fellas.
Nice work, insert guy.
I used to tape bar mitzvahs.
I still have no idea what it is you do, but Ugh! That's a paying job? What do we do? Mr.
Trager, wait! Aah! Uhh! Aah! Ah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Ah! Jeez.
Ugh! - What's going on? - Relax.
You're a good boy.
Okay.
Miss, I need to talk to you for a second.
Step over here.
Listen, this is none of my business, but as a father of two little girls, I have to ask.
What made you turn to porn? What do you mean? Uh, I mean, usually with this type of thing, we expect, you know, neglect, abuse A broken home, a sketchy boyfriend.
Maybe some of the other girls, but I had a healthy childhood.
Good grades, good parents, no creepy uncles or-- How does one then end up I was pre-med at UCLA, and I hated organic chemistry.
Yeah, who doesn't? And I drove my friend to a photo shoot, and the guy offered me a layout, and pretty soon I realized I could make really good money having sex, - which is awesome.
- You're not wrong.
- Shut up, Billy.
- Yep.
So no trauma of any kind, nothing you think might've pushed you in this direction? Nope.
I mean, my father never showed up to any of my parent-teacher conferences.
I don't know what that has to do with anything.
- You're joking.
- Yeah, of course I'm joking.
Oh, my God.
Billy told me you were freaking out - about your kid's thing tonight.
- Oh.
Not funny, Billy! Oh, my God.
That's terrifying.
I'm so afraid of what might happen if-- What's happening to me? Um, hopefully nothing too serious.
Here.
Just lean back, lean back.
I got you.
I'm gonna lay you down.
Guys! Guys! Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Yeah.
I've never--I've never punched a girl before.
- That's comforting.
- I feel like she had it coming, though.
You know She was turning into a wolf and everything.
Okay.
Oh, jeez.
Oh.
Do either of you wanna switch for a little bit? Sure, yeah.
I will.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
Sweet.
- He's heavy, huh? - Got it.
Yeah.
Watch your cords.
All right, watch your head.
The top one.
How you feeling, Manny? I got a crazy headache.
But, you know, other than that-- So what, I had a little outbreak, huh? I mean, what, how bad? The makeup girl's dead, Manny.
Wait a minute.
You knew you had the virus? Look, I have never worked on moon days before.
Okay, I mean it.
But I got a five-year-old starting school and my wife is pregnant again.
- Wait, wait, you're married? - Yeah.
She owns a cupcake shop in Silver Lake.
Look, anyway, I needed the money, so I went to this doctor who told me that he could control the outbreak through diet and homeopathic medicine.
- Oh, no.
- What? Oh, no! Stu, what did you do to her? She was convulsing.
Then I noticed a scratch we didn't see before.
Come on, come on.
Oh, man! She came at me really hard.
I'm sorry, Billy.
What happened to me? It's our fault, Tori.
Not like it would've made any difference, but we should've check you for bites and scratches.
Guess that one was deep enough to give you the virus.
You mean the virus Manny has? Yeah.
And you know what, I'm pretty pissed off at that guy right now.
Bad dog! No, I'm sure he didn't know he had it.
No, he knew.
He knew.
And he shouldn't have been porning tonight! What's gonna happen to me? Am I still gonna be able to work? Yeah, you can still work.
How? I look like an old Italian woman.
It will only take a day or two for that to go away You know, you just can't work on full moons.
Listen, we promise.
We'll get you back on your knees in no time.
- Ugh! - That's all i needed to hear.
- Good.
- You okey, sweety? It's not that bad.
We have to take your friend here back to the sta-- All right, all right.
Please.
So, you're still gonna visit me on set? You're crazy.
Any time, anywhere.
I mean, unless she's into a smokin' hot three-way.
How about a hug? Huh? Bring it in.
Bring it in closer.
Lawsuit! Lawsuit! All right, all right relax.
Why, you want one too? - Do not hug me.
- Cmon.
I do not want -- *** Run, Tori! Run! Run, Tori, run! Night, Tori.
You realise we just have to chase her down now? - I know.
I just thought that'd be a cool moment to watch her run away like that.
Listen.
.
- I got this.
- All right, why don't you go to that parent-teacher conference? Heh, i'm not gonna make it anyway.
I'm not freaked out like i was before.
.
Tori seems like a nice young lady.
- You ever seen "Ass Blasters 12"? - What?! Eew.
I'm going to my kid's school.
- You got this? - I got it.
Get in.
Tell your wife and kids i said hi.
They think you died.
You ready to go to work? Cause it's show time.