Defending the Guilty (2018) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 Must be hard for you Danielle -- if we get the best jobs now, how are you going to overtake us? What are we going to do? Do we hang out here, sniffing each other's arse fumes, or do we work together, hunt her down, crush her? You guys scheme your evil schemes.
Just don't get me involved.
Pia wanked off her boyfriend into the first-floor cafetiere.
What? This intel is dead unless we spread it.
QC interviews next week.
I know you're up for it, too.
To be honest, Caroline, it seems you have a real likeability problem.
I'm a criminal barrister, not some reporter from The One Show.
Selina and I kissed.
I love Nessa, I love my girlfriend.
I probably should have stopped earlier, but given the circumstances, I think I did pretty well.
You're not being honest with your girlfriend, are you? OK, so, you stand behind these women on escalators, and you get your scissors out.
Yes.
Mm.
Exactly, that's right.
Then you cut their dresses while they're not looking.
Yes.
Just at the nape here.
Three snips for a perfect square.
I did this one on the way here.
Ooh, look at that.
Here's a bail violation I did earlier.
Caroline, can I please? Ronald, the thing is, the police are saying - that this is a sexual assault.
- Right! I mean, it isn't such a bad thing, is it? They want to put me on some register.
Don't worry, Caroline's done loads of sexual offences.
The solicitor actually thinks it's good for a sex offender to be represented by a female barrister, - like she believes him.
- Ronald, the thing is, in order for this to be a sexual offence, it would have to be done with the intent of sexual gratification.
Oh, good, because I don't intend to do it that way.
I don't intend to do it at all.
- How do you mean? - Well, it's compulsive, isn't it? You do something once, then that pleases you somehow, and so you do it again, and soon, you just .
.
find yourself doing it.
You just find yourself wielding a pair of scissors on an escalator.
Yes! You're just there, doing a crime.
Young man, you'll learn.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh, mm, the flesh will fucking drop you in it.
OK, Ronald, we'll see you in court tomorrow.
And, erm, dress nicely.
Proper trousers.
What's wrong with these? Caroline thinks only perverts wear three-quarter-length trousers.
Well, that's silly! I adore the air on my ankles.
Spent a week in a dusty library Waiting for some words to jump at me We met by a trick of fate French Navy my sailor mate Are you eating that? No, it's just spit and margarine.
I'm hungry.
I feel like I should call a social worker .
.
hold a sponsored swim.
Jumanji! Oh, God, how long have I been out? I know I did the disclosure application for Martin and the witness summons for Christina.
Right, OK You're a bit smudged.
Right, OK.
Brrrrr! She's doing work for Martin?! I almost outrank Martin.
No-one big in Chambers will look at her.
I still can't work out how the cafetiere thing got out.
Yeah.
It's hard to say, isn't it? I guess things like that just do.
Big gossip.
People talking.
Where's my pen? Evening, homies.
Everyone coming to the Young Bar Society party tomorrow? I'm going to be saying a few unkind words on the subject of Weatheridge's legal aid reforms.
No doubt Danielle has fed you the advance beef.
Strike action? It's inspiring, Ashley.
I was saying to Will just now, it's a shame the miners didn't have you in the nineties.
- Or eighties.
I mean, I was just a kid.
- Yeah, I'm just saying, if you'd have been there, we'd have a shitload more coal and northern people would still be respected.
Wow! Will, you've got my coat.
Caroline, will I be seeing you tomorrow night? No.
I don't know why you bother.
Isn't it just some desperate ploy to convince the QC committee that you're a leader of men? Be sensible, Caroline.
The Weatheridge Report's legal aid reforms are a very serious matter.
And if my leadership role helps my case for silk, then that is a pleasant side effect of a righteous cause.
Yes, well, I'm not coming.
And if I'm pissed as a newt watching Bake Off at 9pm, that will be a pleasant side effect of not giving an arse.
Poor Caroline.
Doesn't get out much since the divorce.
Caroline's divorced? Yeah.
Six months.
She never mentioned that.
I've been spending all day with her for months.
Caroline's the private sort.
Anyway, see you tomorrow.
It'll be brutal politics, I guarantee it.
Oh, shit.
Danielle, why has the venue just cancelled? Did you put the deposit down to guarantee it? Oh, fuck.
Erm, find me another venue.
Please? Somewhere cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
- Do it for me.
- Yeah, right! - Please.
- Fuck off.
Shit! I haven't got time to dick around with I've got to do this.
Pia? Any chance you've got time to do a job for Ashley? Mm-hm! Can't believe Caroline's divorced.
I mean, I guess it explains a lot.
The coldness, the shut-offness - Literally everyone over 35 is divorced.
- That's not true.
My parents aren't divorced.
Right.
- What is that? - No, nothing.
Something just clicked into place there.
Do you know what I mean, though? Cos I've always been a bit scared of Caroline.
- But it's like with wild animals, isn't it? They're scared of you, too.
- Insightful.
Just got to know how to handle them.
Shit, I'm out of battery.
Can I use yours to send an e-mail to my phone, please? - Erm, yeah.
- OK.
Oh-ho-ho! - What's that? - Can you give it back, please? - Stalking! - Please can you? Please! Stalky stalky stalker! I'm not a stalker.
It looks like that, but, actually, I'm visiting that page because I'm interested in art.
- You're interested in art? - Yes.
- You are, are you? Yes.
Who's your favourite artist? Banksy.
Banksy.
What? It is.
I love Banksy.
- Of course it's sexual.
- Oh, come on, Miles.
He's cutting out fabric.
What's he going to do, make a really raunchy quilt? Caroline, my kids are all under six and have minds as pure as San Pellegrino, but even they'd know that a chap doesn't hack at 500 dresses unless it gives him a boner.
We've got an expert.
Dr Khaled.
Hey, Miles.
How's tricks? Yes.
And what does Dr Khaled say? - We don't know yet.
We only called him - Shut up, Will.
- Sorry, yeah.
- He'll say it's compulsive behaviour - with no sexual element.
- Really? Because the only compulsive behaviour I'm seeing is, erm .
.
ooh, Little Miss Winnypants here.
- Don't call me that.
- Well, it's understandable, I am a bit better.
Wouldn't say you were better.
Smugger, maybe.
Clinging harder to your fading youth, perhaps.
You know Caroline was MY pupil once? Oh, right! There's Dr Khaled.
You never mentioned that Miles was your pupil master.
I'm not proud of it.
Look at him, swaggering around like David Davis after a wank.
Why'd you never mention it? I bet there's loads of interesting things you've never mentioned.
Will, here's Dr Khaled, our expert witness.
Hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.
So, the defence is that the dress-cutting is a habitual thing with no sexual intent.
Right.
That's what they're going with, is it? Ah, that's ridiculous.
We're the defendant.
Oh, shit.
OK, that's interesting.
Erm, yeah, no, that happens all the time.
That's that's entirely possible.
You just said it was ridiculous.
It is.
It is ridiculous.
Erm, but it's entirely possible.
Oh, come on, we're talking about the human mind here.
It's a multimodal, contradictory mystery.
Try spinning round and saying that three times.
I've got another case tomorrow morning.
Can you get me on before then? Erm, yes, I reckon.
- Good.
- I've got to get ready.
So, what's the case about tomorrow? Oh, I dunno.
I haven't looked at it yet.
I'm saying she's guilty, but I just haven't filled in the details, so "Now, you might think the Young Barristers of the London Central Circuit "have nothing better to do than party, and normally you'd be right.
" Big laugh there.
"But we've gone over Lord Weatheridge's proposals, "and to quote Shawn Carter, otherwise known as Jay-Z, it's got 99 problems ".
.
at least" Yeah.
".
.
which is why, not content with a Retort to the Report, "we're gonna bust a new rhyme.
It's time to Withdraw for the Law.
" Big graphic comes up.
Boom.
Sound effect.
"And, yes, I do mean strike action.
" I'm not overplaying that, am I? Overplaying what? That's exactly the answer I was looking for.
So, is everything OK for the party? The new venue, it's edge? Very edge.
It's it's all sorted.
Bloody well done.
Such short notice.
- Couldn't do it without you.
- Yeah.
"He didn't mean to?" Is that honestly our defence? Maybe he DIDN'T mean to.
What do you mean to do? Things happen.
You respond naturally or you don't.
Does a drug addict mean to get high or an angry man mean to lash out? Did I mean to run out of underwear this morning? No.
Sometimes shit just happens.
People shouldn't be so judgmental.
Yeah, but by that thinking, no-one would be guilty of anything ever and there'd be no such thing as crime.
Yeah, you're right.
I was just riffing.
Members of the jury, in this case, I'm going to ask you to apply your knowledge of the world.
I don't think any of us were born yesterday, but if you were, happy birthday.
This is what we psychiatrists call "unusual and unprecedented compulsion".
And where could this compulsion come from? I dunno.
Er, his mother? His upbringing? Could be literally anything.
You name it.
Thank you.
Could the compulsion be sexual? No No.
Why not? Erm Just seems really unlikely, I think.
In my professional opinion, that's Do you think Miles was a bit soft - on Dr Khaled? - He's weakened lately.
Fatherhood, probably.
Yeah.
So, Ashley mentioned that you got divorced recently.
That is true.
Do you think maybe you want to talk about it? - What the fuck is this? - No, it's just .
.
I realise that we don't really know that much about each other, and isn't that weird? I mean, we spend an awful lot of time together.
Oh, my God, you're in love with me.
- Sorry? - I don't blame you.
- It was bound to happen.
- All I mean is .
.
that it might be nice .
.
for us to get to know each other a bit.
Like, maybe we could go bowling.
- Yeah, no, take it.
Obviously, take it.
- Caroline, it's Fiona.
Oh, yeah.
What do you want? The Young Bar Society event tonight.
You're going, aren't you? No, wasn't planning on going.
Why? Caroline, we spoke about this.
It's important to seem like you care a little about the wider Bar.
Go to the party.
I want you to meet Toni Markham from the Female Bar Society.
She can really help you.
- Yeah, networking really isn't my thing.
- She knows you're coming.
Silk, Caroline, silk.
Yeah Erm Yeah, Ashley's thing.
I might I might go tonight, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
Might be fun.
You're going, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, cool.
Caroline, Caroline! You came.
That is so touching.
It means so much to me.
Yes, well, I like to support colleagues.
Toni! Toni, you came.
That is so touching.
It means so much to me.
Ashley, our man of the moment! Hi.
- So, erm, what do you want to talk about? - You.
Your life.
Ha! Pick another topic.
An old-fashioned, please.
Jigsaw puzzles? I see Gary Cross from Lord Weatheridge's office is here.
Does he know you're recommending strike action? Oh, yes.
Collecting intel for his master.
Well, I doubt I'll get a good review.
Zero stars.
Dangerously off-message.
Ashley, you really are fantastically brave.
Brave? Ha.
I mean, what's brave? No, really.
I mean, this could have a huge effect on your chances for silk.
Now, Toni, that's neither here nor there.
This is about principle, not about the positive or negative effects on one guy's silk application.
Of course, yeah, because the effects will be negative.
Er, negative? You-you think they'll be negative? Absolutely.
It's a total disgrace that Weatheridge is on the selection panel.
Lord Weatheridge is on the fucking selection panel? Sorry, I assumed you knew.
Oh, I did.
- Oh, it doesn't change a thing.
- Great.
And then, after the marketing job, I was in business for a while.
So, I actually ran a popcorn start-up.
- Popcorn? - Er, yeah, you know, the snack food? Yes, I have heard of popcorn.
Yeah.
It was really only a few years ago.
So, we got in there.
Sounds like a very wasted twenties.
We were called Who's Your Poppa.
And, er, so, there was, like, all these characters.
There was Big Tom.
He was the tomato flavour.
And there was George Papadopoulos.
He was the feta cheese flavour.
We actually got quite a few complaints about him, because - I need to go to the toilet.
- Fair enough.
It's a bad story.
I lost confidence in it.
Danielle, slightly different take on the speech.
- I think, in fact, I'd like you to do it.
- Me? Ashley, I am not even fully qualified.
Well, then, someone else, then.
Someone younger.
This is the Young Bar Society, for fuck's sake.
I drive a Volvo.
Hey, hey, hey, Ashley, listen.
You are speaking up for something you believe in.
That makes you young.
Age is not the capacity of your car boot, it is the size of your heart.
Yes, you're right.
It's about principles.
Just principles.
Mad fucker! Caroline Bratt, is it? Yes.
Yes.
Bratt.
And you are Toni Markham.
I know who you are, too.
Good! And that is an old-fashioned you have there.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Well, no, I mean, the ones here are shit.
They put sugar in them.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Without sugar, it's just whisky.
Well, no, because of the sweetness of the cherry.
No, because no decent old-fashioned has a cherry.
Just orange.
That's the most stupid fucking thing I have ever heard.
Orange bitters, maybe.
Orange bitters are for imbeciles and the lower types of moron.
- Good to meet you, Caroline.
- Yes! Toni.
Nice crossing swords with you, too.
I'll be in touch.
Bye Toni.
I just networked.
I did.
I networked! Let's get smashed.
Ladies and gentlemen - Wow! - .
.
a little quiet, please.
Our President, Mr Ashley Jeevaratnam, is in the house! Hello.
It's lovely to see you all.
Now you might think that the Young Barristers of the London Central Circuit would have nothing better to do than party, and normally you'd be right! But we've gone over Lord Weatheridge's proposals, and to quote Shawn Carter, otherwise known as Jay-Z .
.
let's compromise .
.
because these proposals are controversial, but the basis of our whole justice system is argument between two sides, which is why Yes which is why we say to those who criticise the Weatheridge report, withdraw, for the sake of the entire legal profession.
No.
We don't.
Er, don't we? We're going on strike.
Strike.
Oh, gosh.
Well, that's, er, news to me.
So I say to you then, withdraw from striking .
.
er, for the law can endure.
Compromise is the prize.
Bustin' rhymes here.
OK, er, enjoy the party.
Erm .
.
shout-out to the caterers.
Music.
Music.
No rectal smoke.
I loved that.
And you're right, people just need to get round the table.
What the fuck was that? Er, what was what? That! Toni I don't know what you want from me.
What are you like? You've had a right life And taken a long ride But, oh, what a cost I'm not going to lie to you.
The job gets to you.
It's It's long hours, you see some unpleasant stuff.
It's hard for people to understand.
What I'm saying is you shouldn't feel too guilty about cheating on your girlfriend.
- Oh, we're talking about that.
- You know, we are in crime, and people in crime tend to be a bit naughty.
No, no, Caroline, listen.
I did a bad thing.
But I've realised it's just a decision.
- It's just a decision.
- Yeah.
It's not about what you want, because everybody wants lovely, bad things sometimes.
Well, maybe a lot of the time.
You just choose the good thing.
And maybe, like, sometimes the good thing feels like it's getting a bit boring, or maybe perhaps you wonder if you met the good thing when you were a little bit young and if things are changing.
I mean, that's OK, I guess.
Like, we're all human.
More old-fashioneds.
- Hey, Will.
- Hey, Pia.
Great place for a party.
- You should know.
- Yeah! I should - Awww! - Sorry.
Sorry.
Shit Pia? Pia? Hi.
What did you mean just then when you said that I should know? Don't be silly.
You know this place.
No, I don't.
I know OF this place.
I was desperate to find a cool venue.
And then, weirdly, you left your laptop with this place's web page open, so I called them up.
- It's all down to you.
- Oh! This is bad.
This is really bad.
Mm.
I know.
I come back to get my gym bag to find Mr Raincheck has tracked me down.
- I didn't track you down.
- Course not.
- OK, I've been thinking about you a lot.
- Mm-hm.
But I just want you to know that whatever we do tonight, it has to stop here.
Well, we can't do anything tonight.
My boyfriend's at my place.
- Sorry, did you say boyfriend? - Mm-hm.
You never said you had a boyfriend last time.
Well, I would have, but you were rattling on about your girlfriend so much, the mood was flagging.
This is good.
This is actually quite good, because it means we're on the same page.
Like, I know this sounds weird, but .
.
I kind of feel like I just need to get you out of my system and, like, maybe you just need to get me out of your system.
Look, you turned me down, Will.
If you need a rewind, make an effort.
Take me somewhere nice.
Or be good.
Baby, can you fetch my bag? Er, yep.
Yep.
Right leg, left leg There you go.
OK, just, um Watch out.
OK, just steady yourself, and then Is this your house? - Oh, yeah.
Cool.
- OK.
- Cool.
- What you doing? OK Ooh! - Er - So, thank you so much.
Yeah.
Erm, OK, I'll put the keys here, and then, er, you all right? I feel a bit sick.
Maybe if we just sit you down on this step.
So, was that the juror? - Er Er, yeah.
- Did well.
- Let's just sit down.
- Why not? - So you don't hurt yourself.
- Ooh! - Oh, Caroline.
- Oh, God.
A man .
.
arrives! I have to be on the 12.
12 or I'm in trouble, but we still have time.
Will! - Hey.
- Hey.
Er Caroline .
.
I thought I should return your keys.
Remember? I had to borrow them .
.
er, last week .
.
when I came to collect .
.
a bicycle? What? Oh, er, yes, the .
.
bicycle, which you're very welcome to.
And thank you for the keys.
Great.
So, erm I've dropped them off.
Sorry it's so late.
- Sorry, Will.
- Oh, that's OK.
So, I should probably be heading off.
- Yes, yes.
- See you later.
I should probably, erm, stay to - Help with the dishes.
- Yes, you could do with some help with those, could you? Er, night.
Night, Will.
Bye.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Caroline.
- Mm.
Will! Hi.
So you admit to the jury Sorry.
You admit to the jury that you cut - these squares out of women's dresses.
- Yes.
It's an odd compulsion of mine, but quite innocent.
I don't know why I do it, for the life of me.
In my youth, I loved fashion.
Thank you.
My colleague Mr Flynn might have some questions for you.
Mr Frobisher, erm, for clarity, I'm going to take you through the process of this compulsion.
Is that OK? Of course.
You see a woman wearing a dress you like on the Tube, yes? That's correct.
You follow her on the down escalator.
Her neck is at your chest or stomach level.
That's right.
Slowly you reach into your bag to retrieve your scissors.
They're cold, smooth.
The material of the dress flutters slightly in the almost imperceptible breeze of the Tube.
God, he's lost it.
You raise the scissors .
.
and you cut.
Snip.
Snip.
Snip.
Yes.
The cloth comes away.
You feel its warp, its weft in your fingers and then, only then .
.
you pocket it.
No further questions, Your Honour.
Mr Frobisher, you may step down.
What, now? - There are no more questions? - No.
Please step out of the box.
- Fuck.
- What? What's going on? - I think our client has got a boner.
- Oh, God.
Er, if I may, a few more questions, Mr Frobisher, what would your grandmother say about you collecting these swatches? - My grandmother? - Yes, your withered grandmother, rotting in her grave.
Or do you like cricket? Ms Bratt, are these questions strictly? Good God.
Members of the jury, I feel it should be noted that the defendant is currently sporting a particularly prominent erection.
Make of that what you will.
You'll probably just get a community order .
.
or a few weeks, given you have done it 639 times.
Well, we gave it a good shot.
Oh, er, Will, did you, erm? - Got you these.
- Excellent! Air around the ankles.
It's what life's about.
- Poor guy.
- Who? Oh, yeah, him.
Erm, by the way, erm, you know what you saw last night? You know if you mention it Sure.
Tenancy gone.
Life gone.
Yeah, you get it.
I mean, it's not as serious as it looks.
- He just has a key to your house.
- Sure.
I mean, it's been going on for a while, but, you know, I can stop when I want.
Yeah.
And the thing you saw with me, again, just another one-off.
Yeah, course.
- We'll stop now.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Just don't get me involved.
Pia wanked off her boyfriend into the first-floor cafetiere.
What? This intel is dead unless we spread it.
QC interviews next week.
I know you're up for it, too.
To be honest, Caroline, it seems you have a real likeability problem.
I'm a criminal barrister, not some reporter from The One Show.
Selina and I kissed.
I love Nessa, I love my girlfriend.
I probably should have stopped earlier, but given the circumstances, I think I did pretty well.
You're not being honest with your girlfriend, are you? OK, so, you stand behind these women on escalators, and you get your scissors out.
Yes.
Mm.
Exactly, that's right.
Then you cut their dresses while they're not looking.
Yes.
Just at the nape here.
Three snips for a perfect square.
I did this one on the way here.
Ooh, look at that.
Here's a bail violation I did earlier.
Caroline, can I please? Ronald, the thing is, the police are saying - that this is a sexual assault.
- Right! I mean, it isn't such a bad thing, is it? They want to put me on some register.
Don't worry, Caroline's done loads of sexual offences.
The solicitor actually thinks it's good for a sex offender to be represented by a female barrister, - like she believes him.
- Ronald, the thing is, in order for this to be a sexual offence, it would have to be done with the intent of sexual gratification.
Oh, good, because I don't intend to do it that way.
I don't intend to do it at all.
- How do you mean? - Well, it's compulsive, isn't it? You do something once, then that pleases you somehow, and so you do it again, and soon, you just .
.
find yourself doing it.
You just find yourself wielding a pair of scissors on an escalator.
Yes! You're just there, doing a crime.
Young man, you'll learn.
The spirit is willing, but the flesh, mm, the flesh will fucking drop you in it.
OK, Ronald, we'll see you in court tomorrow.
And, erm, dress nicely.
Proper trousers.
What's wrong with these? Caroline thinks only perverts wear three-quarter-length trousers.
Well, that's silly! I adore the air on my ankles.
Spent a week in a dusty library Waiting for some words to jump at me We met by a trick of fate French Navy my sailor mate Are you eating that? No, it's just spit and margarine.
I'm hungry.
I feel like I should call a social worker .
.
hold a sponsored swim.
Jumanji! Oh, God, how long have I been out? I know I did the disclosure application for Martin and the witness summons for Christina.
Right, OK You're a bit smudged.
Right, OK.
Brrrrr! She's doing work for Martin?! I almost outrank Martin.
No-one big in Chambers will look at her.
I still can't work out how the cafetiere thing got out.
Yeah.
It's hard to say, isn't it? I guess things like that just do.
Big gossip.
People talking.
Where's my pen? Evening, homies.
Everyone coming to the Young Bar Society party tomorrow? I'm going to be saying a few unkind words on the subject of Weatheridge's legal aid reforms.
No doubt Danielle has fed you the advance beef.
Strike action? It's inspiring, Ashley.
I was saying to Will just now, it's a shame the miners didn't have you in the nineties.
- Or eighties.
I mean, I was just a kid.
- Yeah, I'm just saying, if you'd have been there, we'd have a shitload more coal and northern people would still be respected.
Wow! Will, you've got my coat.
Caroline, will I be seeing you tomorrow night? No.
I don't know why you bother.
Isn't it just some desperate ploy to convince the QC committee that you're a leader of men? Be sensible, Caroline.
The Weatheridge Report's legal aid reforms are a very serious matter.
And if my leadership role helps my case for silk, then that is a pleasant side effect of a righteous cause.
Yes, well, I'm not coming.
And if I'm pissed as a newt watching Bake Off at 9pm, that will be a pleasant side effect of not giving an arse.
Poor Caroline.
Doesn't get out much since the divorce.
Caroline's divorced? Yeah.
Six months.
She never mentioned that.
I've been spending all day with her for months.
Caroline's the private sort.
Anyway, see you tomorrow.
It'll be brutal politics, I guarantee it.
Oh, shit.
Danielle, why has the venue just cancelled? Did you put the deposit down to guarantee it? Oh, fuck.
Erm, find me another venue.
Please? Somewhere cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, no problem.
- Do it for me.
- Yeah, right! - Please.
- Fuck off.
Shit! I haven't got time to dick around with I've got to do this.
Pia? Any chance you've got time to do a job for Ashley? Mm-hm! Can't believe Caroline's divorced.
I mean, I guess it explains a lot.
The coldness, the shut-offness - Literally everyone over 35 is divorced.
- That's not true.
My parents aren't divorced.
Right.
- What is that? - No, nothing.
Something just clicked into place there.
Do you know what I mean, though? Cos I've always been a bit scared of Caroline.
- But it's like with wild animals, isn't it? They're scared of you, too.
- Insightful.
Just got to know how to handle them.
Shit, I'm out of battery.
Can I use yours to send an e-mail to my phone, please? - Erm, yeah.
- OK.
Oh-ho-ho! - What's that? - Can you give it back, please? - Stalking! - Please can you? Please! Stalky stalky stalker! I'm not a stalker.
It looks like that, but, actually, I'm visiting that page because I'm interested in art.
- You're interested in art? - Yes.
- You are, are you? Yes.
Who's your favourite artist? Banksy.
Banksy.
What? It is.
I love Banksy.
- Of course it's sexual.
- Oh, come on, Miles.
He's cutting out fabric.
What's he going to do, make a really raunchy quilt? Caroline, my kids are all under six and have minds as pure as San Pellegrino, but even they'd know that a chap doesn't hack at 500 dresses unless it gives him a boner.
We've got an expert.
Dr Khaled.
Hey, Miles.
How's tricks? Yes.
And what does Dr Khaled say? - We don't know yet.
We only called him - Shut up, Will.
- Sorry, yeah.
- He'll say it's compulsive behaviour - with no sexual element.
- Really? Because the only compulsive behaviour I'm seeing is, erm .
.
ooh, Little Miss Winnypants here.
- Don't call me that.
- Well, it's understandable, I am a bit better.
Wouldn't say you were better.
Smugger, maybe.
Clinging harder to your fading youth, perhaps.
You know Caroline was MY pupil once? Oh, right! There's Dr Khaled.
You never mentioned that Miles was your pupil master.
I'm not proud of it.
Look at him, swaggering around like David Davis after a wank.
Why'd you never mention it? I bet there's loads of interesting things you've never mentioned.
Will, here's Dr Khaled, our expert witness.
Hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.
So, the defence is that the dress-cutting is a habitual thing with no sexual intent.
Right.
That's what they're going with, is it? Ah, that's ridiculous.
We're the defendant.
Oh, shit.
OK, that's interesting.
Erm, yeah, no, that happens all the time.
That's that's entirely possible.
You just said it was ridiculous.
It is.
It is ridiculous.
Erm, but it's entirely possible.
Oh, come on, we're talking about the human mind here.
It's a multimodal, contradictory mystery.
Try spinning round and saying that three times.
I've got another case tomorrow morning.
Can you get me on before then? Erm, yes, I reckon.
- Good.
- I've got to get ready.
So, what's the case about tomorrow? Oh, I dunno.
I haven't looked at it yet.
I'm saying she's guilty, but I just haven't filled in the details, so "Now, you might think the Young Barristers of the London Central Circuit "have nothing better to do than party, and normally you'd be right.
" Big laugh there.
"But we've gone over Lord Weatheridge's proposals, "and to quote Shawn Carter, otherwise known as Jay-Z, it's got 99 problems ".
.
at least" Yeah.
".
.
which is why, not content with a Retort to the Report, "we're gonna bust a new rhyme.
It's time to Withdraw for the Law.
" Big graphic comes up.
Boom.
Sound effect.
"And, yes, I do mean strike action.
" I'm not overplaying that, am I? Overplaying what? That's exactly the answer I was looking for.
So, is everything OK for the party? The new venue, it's edge? Very edge.
It's it's all sorted.
Bloody well done.
Such short notice.
- Couldn't do it without you.
- Yeah.
"He didn't mean to?" Is that honestly our defence? Maybe he DIDN'T mean to.
What do you mean to do? Things happen.
You respond naturally or you don't.
Does a drug addict mean to get high or an angry man mean to lash out? Did I mean to run out of underwear this morning? No.
Sometimes shit just happens.
People shouldn't be so judgmental.
Yeah, but by that thinking, no-one would be guilty of anything ever and there'd be no such thing as crime.
Yeah, you're right.
I was just riffing.
Members of the jury, in this case, I'm going to ask you to apply your knowledge of the world.
I don't think any of us were born yesterday, but if you were, happy birthday.
This is what we psychiatrists call "unusual and unprecedented compulsion".
And where could this compulsion come from? I dunno.
Er, his mother? His upbringing? Could be literally anything.
You name it.
Thank you.
Could the compulsion be sexual? No No.
Why not? Erm Just seems really unlikely, I think.
In my professional opinion, that's Do you think Miles was a bit soft - on Dr Khaled? - He's weakened lately.
Fatherhood, probably.
Yeah.
So, Ashley mentioned that you got divorced recently.
That is true.
Do you think maybe you want to talk about it? - What the fuck is this? - No, it's just .
.
I realise that we don't really know that much about each other, and isn't that weird? I mean, we spend an awful lot of time together.
Oh, my God, you're in love with me.
- Sorry? - I don't blame you.
- It was bound to happen.
- All I mean is .
.
that it might be nice .
.
for us to get to know each other a bit.
Like, maybe we could go bowling.
- Yeah, no, take it.
Obviously, take it.
- Caroline, it's Fiona.
Oh, yeah.
What do you want? The Young Bar Society event tonight.
You're going, aren't you? No, wasn't planning on going.
Why? Caroline, we spoke about this.
It's important to seem like you care a little about the wider Bar.
Go to the party.
I want you to meet Toni Markham from the Female Bar Society.
She can really help you.
- Yeah, networking really isn't my thing.
- She knows you're coming.
Silk, Caroline, silk.
Yeah Erm Yeah, Ashley's thing.
I might I might go tonight, actually.
- Really? - Yeah.
Might be fun.
You're going, yeah? Yeah.
Oh, cool.
Caroline, Caroline! You came.
That is so touching.
It means so much to me.
Yes, well, I like to support colleagues.
Toni! Toni, you came.
That is so touching.
It means so much to me.
Ashley, our man of the moment! Hi.
- So, erm, what do you want to talk about? - You.
Your life.
Ha! Pick another topic.
An old-fashioned, please.
Jigsaw puzzles? I see Gary Cross from Lord Weatheridge's office is here.
Does he know you're recommending strike action? Oh, yes.
Collecting intel for his master.
Well, I doubt I'll get a good review.
Zero stars.
Dangerously off-message.
Ashley, you really are fantastically brave.
Brave? Ha.
I mean, what's brave? No, really.
I mean, this could have a huge effect on your chances for silk.
Now, Toni, that's neither here nor there.
This is about principle, not about the positive or negative effects on one guy's silk application.
Of course, yeah, because the effects will be negative.
Er, negative? You-you think they'll be negative? Absolutely.
It's a total disgrace that Weatheridge is on the selection panel.
Lord Weatheridge is on the fucking selection panel? Sorry, I assumed you knew.
Oh, I did.
- Oh, it doesn't change a thing.
- Great.
And then, after the marketing job, I was in business for a while.
So, I actually ran a popcorn start-up.
- Popcorn? - Er, yeah, you know, the snack food? Yes, I have heard of popcorn.
Yeah.
It was really only a few years ago.
So, we got in there.
Sounds like a very wasted twenties.
We were called Who's Your Poppa.
And, er, so, there was, like, all these characters.
There was Big Tom.
He was the tomato flavour.
And there was George Papadopoulos.
He was the feta cheese flavour.
We actually got quite a few complaints about him, because - I need to go to the toilet.
- Fair enough.
It's a bad story.
I lost confidence in it.
Danielle, slightly different take on the speech.
- I think, in fact, I'd like you to do it.
- Me? Ashley, I am not even fully qualified.
Well, then, someone else, then.
Someone younger.
This is the Young Bar Society, for fuck's sake.
I drive a Volvo.
Hey, hey, hey, Ashley, listen.
You are speaking up for something you believe in.
That makes you young.
Age is not the capacity of your car boot, it is the size of your heart.
Yes, you're right.
It's about principles.
Just principles.
Mad fucker! Caroline Bratt, is it? Yes.
Yes.
Bratt.
And you are Toni Markham.
I know who you are, too.
Good! And that is an old-fashioned you have there.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
Well, no, I mean, the ones here are shit.
They put sugar in them.
Well, that's ridiculous.
Without sugar, it's just whisky.
Well, no, because of the sweetness of the cherry.
No, because no decent old-fashioned has a cherry.
Just orange.
That's the most stupid fucking thing I have ever heard.
Orange bitters, maybe.
Orange bitters are for imbeciles and the lower types of moron.
- Good to meet you, Caroline.
- Yes! Toni.
Nice crossing swords with you, too.
I'll be in touch.
Bye Toni.
I just networked.
I did.
I networked! Let's get smashed.
Ladies and gentlemen - Wow! - .
.
a little quiet, please.
Our President, Mr Ashley Jeevaratnam, is in the house! Hello.
It's lovely to see you all.
Now you might think that the Young Barristers of the London Central Circuit would have nothing better to do than party, and normally you'd be right! But we've gone over Lord Weatheridge's proposals, and to quote Shawn Carter, otherwise known as Jay-Z .
.
let's compromise .
.
because these proposals are controversial, but the basis of our whole justice system is argument between two sides, which is why Yes which is why we say to those who criticise the Weatheridge report, withdraw, for the sake of the entire legal profession.
No.
We don't.
Er, don't we? We're going on strike.
Strike.
Oh, gosh.
Well, that's, er, news to me.
So I say to you then, withdraw from striking .
.
er, for the law can endure.
Compromise is the prize.
Bustin' rhymes here.
OK, er, enjoy the party.
Erm .
.
shout-out to the caterers.
Music.
Music.
No rectal smoke.
I loved that.
And you're right, people just need to get round the table.
What the fuck was that? Er, what was what? That! Toni I don't know what you want from me.
What are you like? You've had a right life And taken a long ride But, oh, what a cost I'm not going to lie to you.
The job gets to you.
It's It's long hours, you see some unpleasant stuff.
It's hard for people to understand.
What I'm saying is you shouldn't feel too guilty about cheating on your girlfriend.
- Oh, we're talking about that.
- You know, we are in crime, and people in crime tend to be a bit naughty.
No, no, Caroline, listen.
I did a bad thing.
But I've realised it's just a decision.
- It's just a decision.
- Yeah.
It's not about what you want, because everybody wants lovely, bad things sometimes.
Well, maybe a lot of the time.
You just choose the good thing.
And maybe, like, sometimes the good thing feels like it's getting a bit boring, or maybe perhaps you wonder if you met the good thing when you were a little bit young and if things are changing.
I mean, that's OK, I guess.
Like, we're all human.
More old-fashioneds.
- Hey, Will.
- Hey, Pia.
Great place for a party.
- You should know.
- Yeah! I should - Awww! - Sorry.
Sorry.
Shit Pia? Pia? Hi.
What did you mean just then when you said that I should know? Don't be silly.
You know this place.
No, I don't.
I know OF this place.
I was desperate to find a cool venue.
And then, weirdly, you left your laptop with this place's web page open, so I called them up.
- It's all down to you.
- Oh! This is bad.
This is really bad.
Mm.
I know.
I come back to get my gym bag to find Mr Raincheck has tracked me down.
- I didn't track you down.
- Course not.
- OK, I've been thinking about you a lot.
- Mm-hm.
But I just want you to know that whatever we do tonight, it has to stop here.
Well, we can't do anything tonight.
My boyfriend's at my place.
- Sorry, did you say boyfriend? - Mm-hm.
You never said you had a boyfriend last time.
Well, I would have, but you were rattling on about your girlfriend so much, the mood was flagging.
This is good.
This is actually quite good, because it means we're on the same page.
Like, I know this sounds weird, but .
.
I kind of feel like I just need to get you out of my system and, like, maybe you just need to get me out of your system.
Look, you turned me down, Will.
If you need a rewind, make an effort.
Take me somewhere nice.
Or be good.
Baby, can you fetch my bag? Er, yep.
Yep.
Right leg, left leg There you go.
OK, just, um Watch out.
OK, just steady yourself, and then Is this your house? - Oh, yeah.
Cool.
- OK.
- Cool.
- What you doing? OK Ooh! - Er - So, thank you so much.
Yeah.
Erm, OK, I'll put the keys here, and then, er, you all right? I feel a bit sick.
Maybe if we just sit you down on this step.
So, was that the juror? - Er Er, yeah.
- Did well.
- Let's just sit down.
- Why not? - So you don't hurt yourself.
- Ooh! - Oh, Caroline.
- Oh, God.
A man .
.
arrives! I have to be on the 12.
12 or I'm in trouble, but we still have time.
Will! - Hey.
- Hey.
Er Caroline .
.
I thought I should return your keys.
Remember? I had to borrow them .
.
er, last week .
.
when I came to collect .
.
a bicycle? What? Oh, er, yes, the .
.
bicycle, which you're very welcome to.
And thank you for the keys.
Great.
So, erm I've dropped them off.
Sorry it's so late.
- Sorry, Will.
- Oh, that's OK.
So, I should probably be heading off.
- Yes, yes.
- See you later.
I should probably, erm, stay to - Help with the dishes.
- Yes, you could do with some help with those, could you? Er, night.
Night, Will.
Bye.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Caroline.
- Mm.
Will! Hi.
So you admit to the jury Sorry.
You admit to the jury that you cut - these squares out of women's dresses.
- Yes.
It's an odd compulsion of mine, but quite innocent.
I don't know why I do it, for the life of me.
In my youth, I loved fashion.
Thank you.
My colleague Mr Flynn might have some questions for you.
Mr Frobisher, erm, for clarity, I'm going to take you through the process of this compulsion.
Is that OK? Of course.
You see a woman wearing a dress you like on the Tube, yes? That's correct.
You follow her on the down escalator.
Her neck is at your chest or stomach level.
That's right.
Slowly you reach into your bag to retrieve your scissors.
They're cold, smooth.
The material of the dress flutters slightly in the almost imperceptible breeze of the Tube.
God, he's lost it.
You raise the scissors .
.
and you cut.
Snip.
Snip.
Snip.
Yes.
The cloth comes away.
You feel its warp, its weft in your fingers and then, only then .
.
you pocket it.
No further questions, Your Honour.
Mr Frobisher, you may step down.
What, now? - There are no more questions? - No.
Please step out of the box.
- Fuck.
- What? What's going on? - I think our client has got a boner.
- Oh, God.
Er, if I may, a few more questions, Mr Frobisher, what would your grandmother say about you collecting these swatches? - My grandmother? - Yes, your withered grandmother, rotting in her grave.
Or do you like cricket? Ms Bratt, are these questions strictly? Good God.
Members of the jury, I feel it should be noted that the defendant is currently sporting a particularly prominent erection.
Make of that what you will.
You'll probably just get a community order .
.
or a few weeks, given you have done it 639 times.
Well, we gave it a good shot.
Oh, er, Will, did you, erm? - Got you these.
- Excellent! Air around the ankles.
It's what life's about.
- Poor guy.
- Who? Oh, yeah, him.
Erm, by the way, erm, you know what you saw last night? You know if you mention it Sure.
Tenancy gone.
Life gone.
Yeah, you get it.
I mean, it's not as serious as it looks.
- He just has a key to your house.
- Sure.
I mean, it's been going on for a while, but, you know, I can stop when I want.
Yeah.
And the thing you saw with me, again, just another one-off.
Yeah, course.
- We'll stop now.
- Yeah.
Yeah.