Derek s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 I've had a brilliant idea, ain't I? HANNAH: He has, yeah.
Gonna sell our autographs and put the money towards funding the home.
Ripped By mstoll DOUGIE: Yeah, I don't get it, collecting autographs, but they seem to enjoy it.
And if some good can come out of it, then, yeah, why not? Andrew Lloyd Webber.
We're from Broad Hill nursing home and we're going to sell We're autograph hunters.
- You want to sell your autographs? - We want to sell our autographs, yeah.
So I just need some money for the old people.
Sit tight, mate.
OK, show me what you've managed to get there.
I forget who that is.
I can't remember.
You've got to know who it is, that's the thing.
Kerry Katona! I remember that.
Why is it? What's that yellow stuff? - It's carrot, mate.
- She was being sick.
- Oh.
That affects the value.
- Is it less valuable with sick? Yeah! - Remember that? - Porkpie, innit? Porkpie off Desmond's.
But that's not the actor.
That's not his name.
I didn't know his name, so I said, "Do Porkpie, "so I knows who it is.
" How much for Porkpie? Er, well, less than an actual pork pie.
What would be good for you is to try and target, like, film people, musicians, and then maybe if you get them to sign a photo or some of their memorabilia from their film, or something.
You can't give me any money for these, then? I don't think so, no.
Out the way, mate.
Sorry, but good luck.
New kid in town.
All right? Welcome to the big league.
Bang.
Bang.
OK.
- That's me with Baby Spice.
- Yeah.
That's me with Dermot O'Leary.
- Yeah.
That's me with Lesley Joseph.
- Yeah - That's me with Clare Balding.
You don't have to say, "That's me.
" I can I'm getting the idea that that's you.
- Have you got any that you're not in? - No, not in this.
No? It is less valuable with you It's what? It's less valuable to have yourself, like, in the middle of the If you look round here, you'll see that most of these pictures don't have you in.
He has got a point, Kev.
- None of them.
- None of them, yeah.
All right.
Katie Holmes.
Back of a pub menu.
- Katie Holmes? - Yeah.
In a Harvester? Katie Holmes in a Harvester? Was she? Yeah.
What did she order? Butternut squash.
It's not on here.
Yeah, I don't I don't know.
I don't think it's her.
Well, her name's there, Katie Holmes.
Someone's name's there, yeah.
She would have put "Katie", - rather than just "K'".
- All right.
Uncle Ben.
What do you? He's not real, is he? Do you mean the guy that makes the rice? He is real, mate! That's his signature, mate.
I can see you've got a signature.
Did you meet him? Did you Did you meet him at a premiere or something? No.
So how? This is what I'm How did you get this? I wrote to the rice company.
Right, well, that's just someone like a PR from the rice company, isn't it? - Is it? - Yeah.
He's not real.
He wouldn't sign He wouldn't sign this "Uncle Ben".
Well, then, you won't be interested in Mr Sheen.
Right, come on.
Call it a day.
Thank you.
DOUGIE: Well, honestly, what a waste of time that was, wasn't it? I mean, embarrassing.
Just more bushit from Kev, and Derek looks up to him.
It annoys me.
I know their heart's in the right pace, but honestly.
It's like knocking about with Dumb and Dumber sometimes.
Agh! Derek, for God's sake, mate! - What? - Derek! - What? - You're breaking my arm, mate.
I can't I cannot breathe.
I can't breathe.
I'm good at wrestling, ain't I? One of the best.
He's over-excited today.
Going on a day trip.
Yeah, Dumpton Gap! I've got my bloody head in your Dumpton Gap! DOUGIE: He's strong, you see? He's stronger than he looks.
A strong sort of I don't know, like an octopus.
A strong, huggy mollusc.
Are you actually trying to get out of it, Kev? No point.
He can't move, cos I've got him locked between my thighs.
He can't He can't He can't stop me.
He can't defeat me.
So we got him a game of Twister.
Just to make it seem a little bit more normal, just in case the council popped in unannounced.
He doesn"t play it.
He doesn't get the mat out.
Hejust jumps on me.
At least Right, Derek, that's That's tight, that.
He can't breathe.
Look, he's going red.
You have to let him do it.
Look.
Look at the red.
And it goes white for a little while.
I can't move.
You can't keep doing this, Derek.
- What? - This.
This was never part of the job description for me.
No-one ever warned me of this.
DEREK: I loves wrestling.
I'm strong and grabby.
I don't like real fighting.
In real fighting, you fights people what you don't like, so you can hurt "em.
But in wrestling, I wrestles people what I do like.
It's like strong cuddling, really.
Strong cuddling? Is that what he calls it? Honestly, there's times when I wish he didn't like me as much.
His affection's going to kill me one day.
What a way to go that is! Having Derek on top of me.
You see, the thing is, he weighs more than he looks.
He weighs like a little Well, not little, it's like a gorilla.
Having a gorilla on top of you.
(MUFFLED) Derek? DOUGIE: Thing is, I try and get out of it and I can't cos he's strong, so I end up thinking, "I know, I'll play dead.
" It doesn't work, he nods off.
Is he asleep? - Derek? - What? You nodded off.
- Have a brilliant time.
- All right.
You look after yourselves.
Keep 'em safe.
- See you later, Derek.
- See you later.
Take lots of photos for me, won't you? - Yeah, I will.
- I want some pictures.
See you later, bye.
Have fun.
- You take care.
- See you later.
- See you.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Have a nice day.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Barry.
- You take it easy.
- Oh, thanks.
See you.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Take care, Precious.
(PRECIOUS WHISPERS) Have fun.
See you, then.
Would have been nice to go, but someone has to stay behind cos obviously some of the residents can't go.
Some of them don't want to go.
So, um And I've got a new resident moving in today, Mrs Shaw, so we have to be here to register her.
So, er, I'd better crack on.
Those urinals aren't going to clean themselves.
DEREK: How long will it take to get there? DOUGIE: A couple of hours.
Is it faster Is it faster than a train? Er Could you race a train, if there? Can you just let me get out the car park? Yeah.
Could you race a train? If the train If there was a motorway, right, and there was a train track, what would win if it was straight, both straight, both going the same place? If it was a Lamborghini What would win what would win between a unicorn and a gerbil? It's stuff that wouldn't meet.
They'd never If they did meet, they wouldn't sort of have a disagreement.
The unicorn"s got a horn, but if the gerbil bit it, it had AIDS - not AIDS, rabies - it would kill it.
What would win out of AIDS and rabies? When are they having a race, Derek?! No, not in racing terms now, like, fighting each other.
Who would die first, AIDS versus rabies? If they met in the blood, who would win out of AIDS and? Do you know what? It might be a different result every time.
- Could you Could you give AIDS cancer? - (SIGHS) Lf if a dog had got rabies, attacked a man with AIDS and the man bit him and the dog bit the man, would the dog get AIDS? - It's not safe.
- And the - You can't concentrate.
- (SIREN WAILS) - Here you are! - What's that? What would win What would win out of an ambulance and a police car - I can't concentrate.
It's mental, this.
and a fire engine? It's funny, innit, how you can get told off for being on a mobile whilst driving? I ask I ask questions.
Surely this has got to be dangerous, hasn't it? - Having Derek sat behind you.
- I ask questions This is not safe.
(INAUDIBLE) Hannah, the manager Hi! Hi.
Hello.
I'm Hannah.
Hello, welcome to Broad Hill.
It's lovely to see you.
Hannah? Rebecca.
Shaw.
Ohhh! Shaw, yes! Oh, we went to school together.
Well, till you left when you were about 15.
16, yeah.
Oh, I stayed on till I was 18 cos I did, you know, loads of A levels, but you didn"t even do GCSEs, did you? No.
You Do you need qualifications to work here? Yeah.
What? So you passed something, then.
That's brilliant! Really proud.
Yeah! Shall we get a cup of tea? Do you want a cup of tea? Shall we have a seat? Let me introduce you to to everyone that's here.
Er, this is Sheila.
And this is Lizzie.
And this is Prem.
- Derek? - What? - A horse walks into a pub.
- Yeah.
The barman says, "Why the long face?" (CHUCKLES WHEEZILY) Cos it's a horse, innit? No, it's not because it's a horse.
Forget it, mate.
Here"s a joke.
Two Chinamen walk into a pub.
Barman says, "Why the same face?" - A racist? - Yeah.
KEV: We need to stop.
DEREK: Why? I need a piss.
He needs a piss.
I needs a wee as well.
DOUGIE: Just hang on.
DEREK: Go on, Kev.
DOUGIE: All right, go on.
Don't be ages.
Kevin, what are you doing?! Why do you think I pulled over here? There's a load of bushes there.
Go and have a piss over there! - All right! - Pissing on me wheel arch! DOUGIE: Like looking at Whipsnade, innit? Look at 'em! I hate this.
I hate stopping, cos everyone you've overtaken, they're going past me again and I'm losing time.
Could've had a piss before we left.
It's another excuse for Kev, though, innit, to get his cock in his hand.
DEREK: What's that? - KEV: Shush! - What is it? (WHISPERS) A sebaceous cyst.
Keep that to yourself.
You're quiet, Derek.
I'vejust seen the worstest penis in the whole world.
KEV: Snitch! I didn't say whose penis it was.
It's obviously mine, cos it's the worstest penis in the whole world.
All right, Pam? What? I wondered why you weren't on Facebook.
HANNAH: When am I going to go on Facebook? What woud I put on there? "Changed a bedpan"? I've never been a go-getter.
Unless you count going to get prescriptions for this lot.
It's funny, you know, seeing Rebecca Shaw's made me feel a bit sorry for myself.
With her five-bedroom house and her six-figure salary and her Prada bag and her Jimmy Choo shoes.
Never heard her talk about any friends, though, did I? Never talked about anyone but herself.
Joan used to say, "You make a living from what you get.
"You make a life from what you give.
" Derek makes nothing and he gives everything.
And then I found myself thinking, "I can't wait for Derek and Dougie to get back.
" (SIGHS) Even Kev! And that's not normal.
I wish Hannah was here, but she's got to stay back cos some people are a bit too weak to come on a thing, so she looks after them.
I misses her, but she's looking after 'em, and I'm looking after these lot.
Everyone's had a nice day, probably.
Innit? Yes, she's good as gold, Hannah.
Thejob's really important to her, do you know what I mean? She'd love to be coming out for a day trip today, but her duty comes first, do you know what I mean? There's people back at the home who needs looking after.
And duty comes first.
And you know, I'm sure her life hasn't turned out exactly as she planned, but that's because she aways thinks of others before hersef.
( COLDPLAY: Paradise) When she was just a gir She expected the world But it flew away from her reach And the buets catch in her teeth Life goes on, it gets so heavy The wheel breaks the butterfy Every tear a waterfal In the night, the stormy night She closed her eyes In the night, the stormy night Away she flies I dream of para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Dream of para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh.
It's all right, innit? It's all you need, innit? I don't know why people go abroad when they've got this on their doorstep.
But no, this is all I need, this.
A bit of peace and quiet.
DEREK: Dougie? Dougie! Douglas! There you are.
Peace and quite over with for the day.
- Dougie.
- What? Right, what would win if all the sea creatures got and foughted all the, um, um, land creatures sort of on the beach here? So, so, it was (MUMBLES) some that can't swim could fight ones that can swim.
Like a shark could fight a lion (VOICE FADES) Got to get there first.
Can you manage? Jesus! You're heavier than you look! No, you've missed it again.
You've missed it.
You've got to hit it this way, not that way.
Cos you might as well not be sat there.
It's coming round anyway.
No, you keep missing it.
Hit it.
There you are.
There you are.
You've missed it again.
Right, I'll hit it that way, you hit it this way.
Hit it now! Now! - Right.
- Now.
- Now! - Bloody 'ell! Have you ever played polo? No.
Oh, right, because I've got this polo pony, right.
They're smaller than normal horses, OK, and they're called ponies.
- Do you know what a chukka is? - No.
It"s sort of like a game.
It's a sort of a game of polo, type thing.
Anyway Hello! Right, do you want any help or Oh, yes, always.
This is Mrs Shaw.
She's a new resident coming in today and this is Rebecca, her daughter.
This is Vicky.
She's a volunteer.
- You don't get paid? - No.
Heart's not really going to be in it, then, is it? Well, the shit either comes off the bog or it don't, to be honest.
Actually, I find volunteers to be just as hard-working as paid staff.
Yeah, you wouldn't get me with my hands down a toilet for nothing.
Bit of a mug's game, that.
You'll have your head down one if you call me a mug again.
Right, shall we get you started, Vicky? Let's God.
It's disgusting.
I hope Hannah is giving her a good talking-to.
She won't last long if she's got any sense.
Don't you dare put her head down the bog without getting me to help you first.
(BOTH LAUGH) I was lying on the grass on Sunday morning of last week Induging in my sef defeats My mind was thugged All laced and bugged All twisted round and beat Uncomfortabe three feet deep Now the fuzzy stare from not being there On a confusing morning week Impaired my triba lunar-speak And of course you can't become If you only say what you would've done So I missed a miion miles of fun I know it's up for me If you steal my sunshine Making sure I'm not in too deep Really interesting, innit? Sort of coming out You know, if you're a successful, powerful, intellectual woman coming into the world, people get really intimidated.
HANNAH: Mm.
You know, you get chatted up all the time.
On one hand, they are really attracted to you attracted to me.
Um sexually attracted to me, and whatever, and then we start talking and then I can see their face fall a little bit as they realise that I'm probably more intelligent than they are (SEAGULLS CRY) It's a snail, look.
It's made a road.
It's like it's made a little road, a little trail.
That's why it probably maybe can find its way back.
Is it trying to get to the sea? Dunno.
I'll see if it goes that way.
See if I can suggest a new route to it.
Will this confuse it, if I does that and it goes back on itself? It thinks, "I've already done this bit.
" DEREK: What are you doing? Writing on crabs.
- DOUGIE: What's all that about? - He's writing on crabs.
What? What the motherfuck are you writing on crabs for? Weird question.
Why aren'tyou writing on crabs, mate? That's a better question.
No, it's not.
Why are you writing on crabs? Flat, shiny surface, mate.
Marker pen.
You do the math.
Irresistible, boy.
Just written "twat" on this one.
If I could find a bigger one, I'd write "carpet muncher".
What other words are you writing? Quim, tampon.
There's "muff" 'ere.
There's "cock" over there.
I've never heard anyone going down to the seaside sort of doing this little activity.
Using crabs as fucking Post-it Notes.
Who are you, crab police? Honestly, you amaze me.
What"s "boll"? "Boll" and "ocks".
They only make sense together.
They're like Jedward.
"Boll" and "ocks".
Go on, boys.
Go and annoy the world.
Can you find "tits'"? Scuttled off.
Junior Greenpeace.
Do you remember that? And I got sent that ring.
Do you remember that I had that silver dolphin ring at school? - Do you remember that? - Yes.
I found I went on a cruise, right, to Fiji - Hey! You're back late.
- Yes.
Got you that.
- Is that for me? - Yeah.
Brilliant.
I missed you.
Yes, I missed you.
Aw! This is Jill Shaw, the lady I told you about, that moved in today.
- This is her daughter, Rebecca.
- Hello.
Kev wroted "twat" on a crab.
Did you? Why? Yes, with marker pen.
And "muff" and - Quim.
- Yeah, quim.
- Anus.
- Yeah.
Brilliant.
I saw his knob and it's the worstest knob in the world.
- Yeah.
- Really? It's terrible.
It's like a dinosaur's knob.
Because it's, like, bony, but it's got lumps on it.
Interested? - Hmm - And he said it's a - herbaceous cyst.
- Sebaceous cyst! Yes.
Sebaceous cyst.
These are my friends.
Friends(!) - HANNAH: What did you have for lunch? - DEREK: Fish and chips.
You should get some of those.
What? Fine.
I'd better go.
Sorry I haven't turned out the way you wanted, Mother.
I've achieved enough.
Obviously I've been a disappointment to you.
It's always been the other way round and you know it, dear.
On you go.
- Bye.
- See you.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
This is Derek.
Derek works here as well.
This is Dougie.
And this is This is, um, Kev.
HANNAH: She'I get over it, back at her five-bedroom house.
She ain't got room for her mum, though.
Five bedrooms.
I've got 23 bedrooms.
And I've got a six-figure salary if you count the two after the decimal point.
Still, I suppose it was nice to see her after all these years.
She hasn't changed a bit.
She always was a cunt.
(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) Ripped By mstoll
Gonna sell our autographs and put the money towards funding the home.
Ripped By mstoll DOUGIE: Yeah, I don't get it, collecting autographs, but they seem to enjoy it.
And if some good can come out of it, then, yeah, why not? Andrew Lloyd Webber.
We're from Broad Hill nursing home and we're going to sell We're autograph hunters.
- You want to sell your autographs? - We want to sell our autographs, yeah.
So I just need some money for the old people.
Sit tight, mate.
OK, show me what you've managed to get there.
I forget who that is.
I can't remember.
You've got to know who it is, that's the thing.
Kerry Katona! I remember that.
Why is it? What's that yellow stuff? - It's carrot, mate.
- She was being sick.
- Oh.
That affects the value.
- Is it less valuable with sick? Yeah! - Remember that? - Porkpie, innit? Porkpie off Desmond's.
But that's not the actor.
That's not his name.
I didn't know his name, so I said, "Do Porkpie, "so I knows who it is.
" How much for Porkpie? Er, well, less than an actual pork pie.
What would be good for you is to try and target, like, film people, musicians, and then maybe if you get them to sign a photo or some of their memorabilia from their film, or something.
You can't give me any money for these, then? I don't think so, no.
Out the way, mate.
Sorry, but good luck.
New kid in town.
All right? Welcome to the big league.
Bang.
Bang.
OK.
- That's me with Baby Spice.
- Yeah.
That's me with Dermot O'Leary.
- Yeah.
That's me with Lesley Joseph.
- Yeah - That's me with Clare Balding.
You don't have to say, "That's me.
" I can I'm getting the idea that that's you.
- Have you got any that you're not in? - No, not in this.
No? It is less valuable with you It's what? It's less valuable to have yourself, like, in the middle of the If you look round here, you'll see that most of these pictures don't have you in.
He has got a point, Kev.
- None of them.
- None of them, yeah.
All right.
Katie Holmes.
Back of a pub menu.
- Katie Holmes? - Yeah.
In a Harvester? Katie Holmes in a Harvester? Was she? Yeah.
What did she order? Butternut squash.
It's not on here.
Yeah, I don't I don't know.
I don't think it's her.
Well, her name's there, Katie Holmes.
Someone's name's there, yeah.
She would have put "Katie", - rather than just "K'".
- All right.
Uncle Ben.
What do you? He's not real, is he? Do you mean the guy that makes the rice? He is real, mate! That's his signature, mate.
I can see you've got a signature.
Did you meet him? Did you Did you meet him at a premiere or something? No.
So how? This is what I'm How did you get this? I wrote to the rice company.
Right, well, that's just someone like a PR from the rice company, isn't it? - Is it? - Yeah.
He's not real.
He wouldn't sign He wouldn't sign this "Uncle Ben".
Well, then, you won't be interested in Mr Sheen.
Right, come on.
Call it a day.
Thank you.
DOUGIE: Well, honestly, what a waste of time that was, wasn't it? I mean, embarrassing.
Just more bushit from Kev, and Derek looks up to him.
It annoys me.
I know their heart's in the right pace, but honestly.
It's like knocking about with Dumb and Dumber sometimes.
Agh! Derek, for God's sake, mate! - What? - Derek! - What? - You're breaking my arm, mate.
I can't I cannot breathe.
I can't breathe.
I'm good at wrestling, ain't I? One of the best.
He's over-excited today.
Going on a day trip.
Yeah, Dumpton Gap! I've got my bloody head in your Dumpton Gap! DOUGIE: He's strong, you see? He's stronger than he looks.
A strong sort of I don't know, like an octopus.
A strong, huggy mollusc.
Are you actually trying to get out of it, Kev? No point.
He can't move, cos I've got him locked between my thighs.
He can't He can't He can't stop me.
He can't defeat me.
So we got him a game of Twister.
Just to make it seem a little bit more normal, just in case the council popped in unannounced.
He doesn"t play it.
He doesn't get the mat out.
Hejust jumps on me.
At least Right, Derek, that's That's tight, that.
He can't breathe.
Look, he's going red.
You have to let him do it.
Look.
Look at the red.
And it goes white for a little while.
I can't move.
You can't keep doing this, Derek.
- What? - This.
This was never part of the job description for me.
No-one ever warned me of this.
DEREK: I loves wrestling.
I'm strong and grabby.
I don't like real fighting.
In real fighting, you fights people what you don't like, so you can hurt "em.
But in wrestling, I wrestles people what I do like.
It's like strong cuddling, really.
Strong cuddling? Is that what he calls it? Honestly, there's times when I wish he didn't like me as much.
His affection's going to kill me one day.
What a way to go that is! Having Derek on top of me.
You see, the thing is, he weighs more than he looks.
He weighs like a little Well, not little, it's like a gorilla.
Having a gorilla on top of you.
(MUFFLED) Derek? DOUGIE: Thing is, I try and get out of it and I can't cos he's strong, so I end up thinking, "I know, I'll play dead.
" It doesn't work, he nods off.
Is he asleep? - Derek? - What? You nodded off.
- Have a brilliant time.
- All right.
You look after yourselves.
Keep 'em safe.
- See you later, Derek.
- See you later.
Take lots of photos for me, won't you? - Yeah, I will.
- I want some pictures.
See you later, bye.
Have fun.
- You take care.
- See you later.
- See you.
- Bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Have a nice day.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Barry.
- You take it easy.
- Oh, thanks.
See you.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Take care, Precious.
(PRECIOUS WHISPERS) Have fun.
See you, then.
Would have been nice to go, but someone has to stay behind cos obviously some of the residents can't go.
Some of them don't want to go.
So, um And I've got a new resident moving in today, Mrs Shaw, so we have to be here to register her.
So, er, I'd better crack on.
Those urinals aren't going to clean themselves.
DEREK: How long will it take to get there? DOUGIE: A couple of hours.
Is it faster Is it faster than a train? Er Could you race a train, if there? Can you just let me get out the car park? Yeah.
Could you race a train? If the train If there was a motorway, right, and there was a train track, what would win if it was straight, both straight, both going the same place? If it was a Lamborghini What would win what would win between a unicorn and a gerbil? It's stuff that wouldn't meet.
They'd never If they did meet, they wouldn't sort of have a disagreement.
The unicorn"s got a horn, but if the gerbil bit it, it had AIDS - not AIDS, rabies - it would kill it.
What would win out of AIDS and rabies? When are they having a race, Derek?! No, not in racing terms now, like, fighting each other.
Who would die first, AIDS versus rabies? If they met in the blood, who would win out of AIDS and? Do you know what? It might be a different result every time.
- Could you Could you give AIDS cancer? - (SIGHS) Lf if a dog had got rabies, attacked a man with AIDS and the man bit him and the dog bit the man, would the dog get AIDS? - It's not safe.
- And the - You can't concentrate.
- (SIREN WAILS) - Here you are! - What's that? What would win What would win out of an ambulance and a police car - I can't concentrate.
It's mental, this.
and a fire engine? It's funny, innit, how you can get told off for being on a mobile whilst driving? I ask I ask questions.
Surely this has got to be dangerous, hasn't it? - Having Derek sat behind you.
- I ask questions This is not safe.
(INAUDIBLE) Hannah, the manager Hi! Hi.
Hello.
I'm Hannah.
Hello, welcome to Broad Hill.
It's lovely to see you.
Hannah? Rebecca.
Shaw.
Ohhh! Shaw, yes! Oh, we went to school together.
Well, till you left when you were about 15.
16, yeah.
Oh, I stayed on till I was 18 cos I did, you know, loads of A levels, but you didn"t even do GCSEs, did you? No.
You Do you need qualifications to work here? Yeah.
What? So you passed something, then.
That's brilliant! Really proud.
Yeah! Shall we get a cup of tea? Do you want a cup of tea? Shall we have a seat? Let me introduce you to to everyone that's here.
Er, this is Sheila.
And this is Lizzie.
And this is Prem.
- Derek? - What? - A horse walks into a pub.
- Yeah.
The barman says, "Why the long face?" (CHUCKLES WHEEZILY) Cos it's a horse, innit? No, it's not because it's a horse.
Forget it, mate.
Here"s a joke.
Two Chinamen walk into a pub.
Barman says, "Why the same face?" - A racist? - Yeah.
KEV: We need to stop.
DEREK: Why? I need a piss.
He needs a piss.
I needs a wee as well.
DOUGIE: Just hang on.
DEREK: Go on, Kev.
DOUGIE: All right, go on.
Don't be ages.
Kevin, what are you doing?! Why do you think I pulled over here? There's a load of bushes there.
Go and have a piss over there! - All right! - Pissing on me wheel arch! DOUGIE: Like looking at Whipsnade, innit? Look at 'em! I hate this.
I hate stopping, cos everyone you've overtaken, they're going past me again and I'm losing time.
Could've had a piss before we left.
It's another excuse for Kev, though, innit, to get his cock in his hand.
DEREK: What's that? - KEV: Shush! - What is it? (WHISPERS) A sebaceous cyst.
Keep that to yourself.
You're quiet, Derek.
I'vejust seen the worstest penis in the whole world.
KEV: Snitch! I didn't say whose penis it was.
It's obviously mine, cos it's the worstest penis in the whole world.
All right, Pam? What? I wondered why you weren't on Facebook.
HANNAH: When am I going to go on Facebook? What woud I put on there? "Changed a bedpan"? I've never been a go-getter.
Unless you count going to get prescriptions for this lot.
It's funny, you know, seeing Rebecca Shaw's made me feel a bit sorry for myself.
With her five-bedroom house and her six-figure salary and her Prada bag and her Jimmy Choo shoes.
Never heard her talk about any friends, though, did I? Never talked about anyone but herself.
Joan used to say, "You make a living from what you get.
"You make a life from what you give.
" Derek makes nothing and he gives everything.
And then I found myself thinking, "I can't wait for Derek and Dougie to get back.
" (SIGHS) Even Kev! And that's not normal.
I wish Hannah was here, but she's got to stay back cos some people are a bit too weak to come on a thing, so she looks after them.
I misses her, but she's looking after 'em, and I'm looking after these lot.
Everyone's had a nice day, probably.
Innit? Yes, she's good as gold, Hannah.
Thejob's really important to her, do you know what I mean? She'd love to be coming out for a day trip today, but her duty comes first, do you know what I mean? There's people back at the home who needs looking after.
And duty comes first.
And you know, I'm sure her life hasn't turned out exactly as she planned, but that's because she aways thinks of others before hersef.
( COLDPLAY: Paradise) When she was just a gir She expected the world But it flew away from her reach And the buets catch in her teeth Life goes on, it gets so heavy The wheel breaks the butterfy Every tear a waterfal In the night, the stormy night She closed her eyes In the night, the stormy night Away she flies I dream of para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Dream of para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Para-para-paradise Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh.
It's all right, innit? It's all you need, innit? I don't know why people go abroad when they've got this on their doorstep.
But no, this is all I need, this.
A bit of peace and quiet.
DEREK: Dougie? Dougie! Douglas! There you are.
Peace and quite over with for the day.
- Dougie.
- What? Right, what would win if all the sea creatures got and foughted all the, um, um, land creatures sort of on the beach here? So, so, it was (MUMBLES) some that can't swim could fight ones that can swim.
Like a shark could fight a lion (VOICE FADES) Got to get there first.
Can you manage? Jesus! You're heavier than you look! No, you've missed it again.
You've missed it.
You've got to hit it this way, not that way.
Cos you might as well not be sat there.
It's coming round anyway.
No, you keep missing it.
Hit it.
There you are.
There you are.
You've missed it again.
Right, I'll hit it that way, you hit it this way.
Hit it now! Now! - Right.
- Now.
- Now! - Bloody 'ell! Have you ever played polo? No.
Oh, right, because I've got this polo pony, right.
They're smaller than normal horses, OK, and they're called ponies.
- Do you know what a chukka is? - No.
It"s sort of like a game.
It's a sort of a game of polo, type thing.
Anyway Hello! Right, do you want any help or Oh, yes, always.
This is Mrs Shaw.
She's a new resident coming in today and this is Rebecca, her daughter.
This is Vicky.
She's a volunteer.
- You don't get paid? - No.
Heart's not really going to be in it, then, is it? Well, the shit either comes off the bog or it don't, to be honest.
Actually, I find volunteers to be just as hard-working as paid staff.
Yeah, you wouldn't get me with my hands down a toilet for nothing.
Bit of a mug's game, that.
You'll have your head down one if you call me a mug again.
Right, shall we get you started, Vicky? Let's God.
It's disgusting.
I hope Hannah is giving her a good talking-to.
She won't last long if she's got any sense.
Don't you dare put her head down the bog without getting me to help you first.
(BOTH LAUGH) I was lying on the grass on Sunday morning of last week Induging in my sef defeats My mind was thugged All laced and bugged All twisted round and beat Uncomfortabe three feet deep Now the fuzzy stare from not being there On a confusing morning week Impaired my triba lunar-speak And of course you can't become If you only say what you would've done So I missed a miion miles of fun I know it's up for me If you steal my sunshine Making sure I'm not in too deep Really interesting, innit? Sort of coming out You know, if you're a successful, powerful, intellectual woman coming into the world, people get really intimidated.
HANNAH: Mm.
You know, you get chatted up all the time.
On one hand, they are really attracted to you attracted to me.
Um sexually attracted to me, and whatever, and then we start talking and then I can see their face fall a little bit as they realise that I'm probably more intelligent than they are (SEAGULLS CRY) It's a snail, look.
It's made a road.
It's like it's made a little road, a little trail.
That's why it probably maybe can find its way back.
Is it trying to get to the sea? Dunno.
I'll see if it goes that way.
See if I can suggest a new route to it.
Will this confuse it, if I does that and it goes back on itself? It thinks, "I've already done this bit.
" DEREK: What are you doing? Writing on crabs.
- DOUGIE: What's all that about? - He's writing on crabs.
What? What the motherfuck are you writing on crabs for? Weird question.
Why aren'tyou writing on crabs, mate? That's a better question.
No, it's not.
Why are you writing on crabs? Flat, shiny surface, mate.
Marker pen.
You do the math.
Irresistible, boy.
Just written "twat" on this one.
If I could find a bigger one, I'd write "carpet muncher".
What other words are you writing? Quim, tampon.
There's "muff" 'ere.
There's "cock" over there.
I've never heard anyone going down to the seaside sort of doing this little activity.
Using crabs as fucking Post-it Notes.
Who are you, crab police? Honestly, you amaze me.
What"s "boll"? "Boll" and "ocks".
They only make sense together.
They're like Jedward.
"Boll" and "ocks".
Go on, boys.
Go and annoy the world.
Can you find "tits'"? Scuttled off.
Junior Greenpeace.
Do you remember that? And I got sent that ring.
Do you remember that I had that silver dolphin ring at school? - Do you remember that? - Yes.
I found I went on a cruise, right, to Fiji - Hey! You're back late.
- Yes.
Got you that.
- Is that for me? - Yeah.
Brilliant.
I missed you.
Yes, I missed you.
Aw! This is Jill Shaw, the lady I told you about, that moved in today.
- This is her daughter, Rebecca.
- Hello.
Kev wroted "twat" on a crab.
Did you? Why? Yes, with marker pen.
And "muff" and - Quim.
- Yeah, quim.
- Anus.
- Yeah.
Brilliant.
I saw his knob and it's the worstest knob in the world.
- Yeah.
- Really? It's terrible.
It's like a dinosaur's knob.
Because it's, like, bony, but it's got lumps on it.
Interested? - Hmm - And he said it's a - herbaceous cyst.
- Sebaceous cyst! Yes.
Sebaceous cyst.
These are my friends.
Friends(!) - HANNAH: What did you have for lunch? - DEREK: Fish and chips.
You should get some of those.
What? Fine.
I'd better go.
Sorry I haven't turned out the way you wanted, Mother.
I've achieved enough.
Obviously I've been a disappointment to you.
It's always been the other way round and you know it, dear.
On you go.
- Bye.
- See you.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
This is Derek.
Derek works here as well.
This is Dougie.
And this is This is, um, Kev.
HANNAH: She'I get over it, back at her five-bedroom house.
She ain't got room for her mum, though.
Five bedrooms.
I've got 23 bedrooms.
And I've got a six-figure salary if you count the two after the decimal point.
Still, I suppose it was nice to see her after all these years.
She hasn't changed a bit.
She always was a cunt.
(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH) Ripped By mstoll