Desmonds (1989) s01e04 Episode Script

1 From the long, warm nights with an ocean breeze To the damp and to the rain of London city We come from the sun to live in the cold I miss my rum I want my coconut tree Don't scratch my soca Till the party's over Let's keep the music sweet Wind up your waist and feel the beat Don't scratch my soca How's that, Peter? (Wails) - What's this? - (Crying) Mummy! If I wanted his hair cut like that, I would have done it myself.
What's wrong with a good, old-fashioned haircut? - That's it, it's old-fashioned.
- I don't like it! - Quiet! - Yes, shut up.
You told me you wanted a classic 1940s style.
That's how they was wearing it.
I should know - I'm old enough to remember.
I said I wanted a 1980s version of a 1940s hairstyle.
I didn't want a bald head! I suppose a tip is out of the question? A big boy would never have let this happen! Look at you! There was a time when people wanted a haircut.
Now they want it styled.
Well, things change.
Fashion take over.
I remember you used to have some fancy hairstyles yourself, Desmond.
That's because we had style, didn't we, Porkpie? Yeah, man.
For a man who claims he had style, - this place isn't the epitome of it, is it? - What's wrong with it? Well, for a start, the decor is simply appalling.
No colour co-ordination.
- At least it's original.
- You can say that again.
You see that lamp? I was one of the first people I know to buy that lamp.
Now everybody got one.
Nobody with taste has a lamp like that these days.
- I do.
- Need I say more? I must fix this chair.
Next! Nobody wants me to cut their hair any more.
I better join you, Porkpie, and take early retirement.
You don't want to do that.
You end up hanging around barber's shops all day.
There you go.
I want you to go to the supermarket for me.
You see what I've been reduced to, Porkpie? A gofer.
- Gofer? - Yes, "Go for this, go for that.
" - I better go for college.
- What lecture do you have, Matthew? Is Education A Panacea To Social Deprivation? Ooh! - I better not keep you, then.
- Bye.
Come along, Porkpie.
Let's go.
Shirley, what's this? "One tin toms.
" - Oh, go on! - (Laughing) - Yo, Mum, see you later.
- Yo, Sean.
- Where you think you going? - To school.
And since when they change the name of your school from St Christopher to Beas Street Posse? No, no, no, no, Mum.
Beast Street, with a T.
- I haven't got my T yet, though.
- Let me help you.
Here's a sentence that starts with a T.
Take it off.
- Oh, but Mum! - No buts.
(Muttering) Here, Sean, like my new top? Nice, innit? Look.
Yeah, it matches your teeth.
- Boy, he's vexed.
- What is the Beast Street Gang? It's a gang of kids that hang on at East Street.
They put the B in front of the name and call it the Beast Street Posse.
- All right, girls? - Hello, Lee.
Oh, where is everybody, eh? Gone shopping.
They're taking early retirement.
Shall I put it on a bit of string and shove it round your neck so you don't lose it? Serious.
- All right, what are these, eh? - Let me guess.
- Erm, earrings? - Oh, get out.
- Keys.
- Yeah.
- Car keys.
- Yeah.
- Your new car! - Yeah! What happened to the old motor, the Black Man's Wheels? Black Man's Wheels? (Both) BMW.
No, it's too conspicuous.
Always getting pulled up by the Old Bill.
- Fancy taking me to school, then? - Well, I've got no business here, have I? Come on.
Oh, well, I'll er be off then, Mum.
See you later.
Sean, what's in the bag? Er, my PE kit.
- Let me see it.
- What do you want to see it for? - You've seen it before.
- Go and put that jacket back.
But Mum - No buts.
- No buts.
Can I just see Lee's new car first, please? - What kind of foolishness is this? - What you doing, man? Read.
You have a pound? You put it in there.
And you push it in there.
You never push it in hard enough.
How much harder you want me to push it? £1.
29, buy nothing yet.
(Car stereo) We'll soon be parted Oh, Lord.
I wonder what the police want with my Gloria and Lee.
Maybe they want to know the name of the tape Lee playing.
- That is a hard tune.
- Oh, shut up, Porkpie.
Treat me right What's going on here? What are you doing in this car? What's going on here? How can I go on living a lie? What are you doing, man? This is a private car.
- Where is everybody? - Gone shopping.
The customers gone with them? It's Wednesday, Michael.
We're never busy on a Wednesday.
I've been looking at the figures, Mother.
Frankly, every day is Wednesday.
Look, we've got to do something about our image.
For a start, what is that man doing on the phone? Making a phone call.
I know.
But he's always there.
That's because none of the phones round here work.
British Telecom said that nine out of ten public phones are now working.
Yeah? Well, Peckham's got the tenth one.
I still maintain that this shop needs a radical change.
We have to convince Father to move with the times.
Michael, sit down.
Just sit down.
Please.
Go easy on your father.
You hear? You know what happens to him every time you mention the words "radical" and "change".
He goes a distinct shade of green, his eyes pops out of his head - and you two end up arguing.
- Mmm.
Look, he's been running this shop his own way for more than 20 years.
- Huh, well - We've never made a great profit.
But we've never made a loss and none of our children have gone without.
I'm proud of you, Michael.
I'm also proud of your father.
So just hold back the revolution, yeah? And let's do things gradually.
And when the shop is yours, you can revolt to your heart's content.
- Gradually.
- Gradually.
Yeah, fine.
What are you doing back here now? The banks close? Lunch break.
I just popped in to see Father about the accounts.
Oh, you want something to eat? Listen, I got some stew and some banana fritters.
I've I've eaten, Mother.
So you eat already? My food isn't good enough for you? It's not that, Mother.
It's just that every time I come in you try to shove something in my mouth.
I don't know anyone who likes the sound of his own voice like my eldest son.
Hello, Father.
- What kept you? - The police almost kept us.
- Porkpie, take them bags upstairs.
- What happen? Well, they wanted to see Lee's particulars but everything was in order.
- We seen everything, didn't we? - Yeah, man.
You see, he was driving along and suddenly Yeah, yeah.
OK.
Desmond, mind the shop.
But I - Hi, Desmond, what happening? - Hi, Burt.
Right how you want your hair cut? It's all right, I'll wait for Shirley thank you.
- You want a haircut? - Yes, yes.
Well, that's what I'm giving you, a haircut.
- Dad, that's - Shut up.
I've come to get my hair coiffured.
Look, this is Desmond's barber shop.
If you want your hair cut, stay.
If you want it coiffured, coiff off.
- Look, I didn't come here to be insulted.
- Why not? - You didn't come to get your hair cut.
- Hah! Haircut? What do you know about a haircut? You wouldn't know a good one if it poke you in the eye.
- Gentlemen, pl - Shut up! - Who are you, anyway? - I'm his partner.
You mean he got someone stupid enough to be a partner? - What do you mean, "stupid enough"? - Get out of my shop.
Yes, come out! I mean no! I - Don't worry.
I am going! - But I It's But - Now look what you've done.
- Me? Our only customer and you forced him out.
This is no way to run a business.
Since when do you tell me how to run my business? Since I became a partner.
And started telling me how to run my business! Because we can be more efficient and I'm here to do that.
Tonight I will show you my business plan.
It's called A New Step Forward.
I suppose A New Step Forward means me taking one step backward.
No! Not really.
Just sideways.
- (Shirley) Gradually.
- Gradually.
Right, I've looked at the accounts and profits haven't been too steady since 1980.
There was a sharp increase between '84 and '85, but I don't know why.
That's when the doctor told him to give up drinking - because of his blood pressure.
- So then what happened after '85? He stopped going to the doctor.
Them doctors is all the same.
You tell them you got a sore throat, they tell you you got a sore foot and give you a prescription for high blood pressure.
I went to my doctor about my migraine (Posh accent) Oh, migraine.
Isn't that a middle-class headache? Since I've become partner we've started to become more organised.
The accounts are up to date, the shop's well stocked and we're also in the black.
- Now, what - Look, get to the point.
- I'm fed up of all this Tory talk.
- Yes, man, get on with it.
- What does all this mean? - Give him a chance.
- Go on, son.
- Thank you, Mother.
Now, all this means that A, you should stop drinking and B, we need a new stylist.
Ah, now I know what A New Step Forward means - step on Desmond.
No, dear.
No, no.
Nobody's trying to get rid of you.
What Michael is suggesting is that we get someone in to work with you.
No.
- Beside you? - Well, I - Under you.
- Ah, well, yes.
Where do we find this new junior? His name's Tony and he's the best in town.
- Well, he would be.
- We have to speculate to accumulate.
Look, he'll bring enough custom with him to pay for himself.
Look at that smile.
I don't trust that smile.
He's up to something.
Hey, Michael, who's Elizabeth Reilly? And Sophie Thomas? And Brenda Jenkins? Er, just some business clients.
Leave that alone, Sean.
They tell me I can't cut hair, that I need a new stylist.
Matthew, when I finish with your hair I'm going to make them eat their words.
What are you going to do with my hair? - There's no need to take it so personal.
- I'm not taking it personally.
- What are you going to do with my hair? - Keep your head still.
The new stylist studied for five years at a top academy.
What's five years at a top academy compared with 25 years in at the sharp end? Yes, but what are you going to do with my hair? Matthew, when I'm finished with your hair you going to be the talk of the town.
Ah! But I think I've got to catch a plane for Africa.
Father, may I take this opportunity to introduce you to Tony? Hi.
(Both chuckling) 100-proof pure rum.
Guaranteed to kill all household germs dead.
That's if it don't kill you first.
(Laughing) Shh! Everybody's sleeping upstairs.
Yes, man, you tell me that, we know that.
Just thought I'd tell you again.
Give me some of that rum so me don't forget.
Hey Tony coming tomorrow.
- Who who's coming? - I told you already who he is.
Man, hold that.
A-a-a-ah! The white boy.
Yes, my new stylist.
They're gonna use him to try and force me to retire.
- But I thought you wanted to retire.
- I do, but in me own time.
Well, you better hurry up because you don't have much more time.
Whose side are you on? Tell me something.
If you don't want him to come, why don't you tell him to go? Because the family want him to stay.
- So why don't you tell them to go? - Because he'll still be here.
So why don't you and him go together? Well, because What? Man, look, give me the rum.
You drink too much already.
(Sighs) Aaah.
Why? These are rootless times we live in, Porkpie.
Even me chair let me down.
I'll go fix it once and for all.
Give me something to jam it with.
Give me a domino.
Can't use my domino for that.
This is a high-quality set, you know.
- Porkpie.
- (Sighs) (Yelps) Ow-ow! Me cutting hand! Well, guess it's a good thing Tony coming tomorrow.
Porkpie get out of me shop.
- Didn't you think he was tasty, Mum? - Who was tasty? Trendy Tony, of course.
Trendy? You call him trendy with all them holes in his trousers? His mother must be ashamed of him walking down the street looking like that.
People pay a lot of money for them to look like that, you know.
Oh, so I'm wasting my time mending Sean's trousers.
All right, ladies? Listen, Shirl, I got a lovely little number for you.
- You'll like this, Glor.
- You know my rules about dodgy gear.
- "Off the back of a lorry, like.
" - "Sweet as a nut.
Know what I mean?" I know all about the rules.
Don't worry.
This stuff's sweet.
Listen, right? Wafer-thin credit card, solar, I repeat, solar-powered pocket calculators.
I'll show you how it works.
Don't you have to be outside for that to work? No, they work indoors, as well.
Just need a bit of sunlight, that's all.
You don't want to buy one, do you? Be useful when you go back to Guyana.
I'd better be off.
See you.
Matthew will 'ave one.
He'll take them back to Africa.
They got the climate.
What a touch, eh? Cor.
Sean? - What? - What's this? That is a racoon's tail, Mum.
- That.
- Ah.
That's the Beast Street emblem.
- It's a knife.
- I know it's a knife.
But we don't use it as a knife-knife.
Well, what you use this knife-knife for? Nothing.
We just wear it.
It represents a sting in our tail.
You know what I mean? Oh, in that case you don't mind if this queen bee take away the sting in the tail.
- Mum, you can't do that! - Watch me.
I need it.
Today's the day I'm gonna earn my T in Beast Street.
Well, I don't care if you go earn your X, Y and your Z.
But you are not Watch my lips.
You are not leaving this house carrying this knife.
Uh-oh.
What d'you have to do to earn this T, anyway? Never mind.
(Groans) What happened to your hand? - Nothing.
- The other hand.
Oh, that hand.
- I ran into a lamp post.
- You were drunk.
No, I wasn't drunk, I was mellow.
Yeah, well, you gonna be "mellow" because you can't cut hair.
It's a good job Tony coming.
I better go downstairs and open the shop.
- (Sean hollers) Bye, Mum.
- Bye, Sean.
- Put the jacket back.
- Oh, but Mum No buts.
This is your chair.
It's been giving us a bit of trouble recently.
- What wrong with the chair? - Well, it jams now and then.
- If it's jammed I'll use your chair.
- Ah.
Rule number one.
Nobody uses my chair.
It's my chair.
That's why I use it.
- You can use my chair.
- No, he can't use your chair.
- Why not? - Because it's your chair.
Don't be silly.
Of course he can use my chair for now.
No, no.
Look, it's all right.
I'll use this one.
Right.
Your clippers and scissors are over there.
- I told you he was cool.
- He's really nice.
Mmm.
But men like that aren't to be trusted.
They use their good looks to walk all over women.
- He can walk all over me any old time.
- Yeah, me too.
- You like some tea? - (Matthew, Porkpie) Yes please, Shirl.
- Yes, please, Shirl.
- Mum, we'll make Tony's tea.
No, you won't.
You're going to school.
- You take sugar? - Yes please, Shirl.
- No thanks, Shirl.
- Ooh, sweet enough, eh? - We'll see you later on then, Tony.
- After school, Tony.
No, you won't.
Now go to school.
Tony's here to work.
Here y'are.
I've got something for you, Des.
My name is Des-mond.
Sorry, Des-mond.
Right name that tune.
- ( Laid-back intro) - Java Jive.
- Yeah.
- The Ink Spots? - Recorded 1950 something.
- Ha-ha! How do you know we play these games? Ah, Michael told me.
I got a jazz and blues collection, Des mond.
- Also got some rare grooves.
- Rare grooves? You know, old-time stylee.
Well, maybe we might get along after all.
Right, then.
The first customer, please.
Well done, Tony.
I'm sure this is the start of a fruitful relationship.
- Cheers, man.
- Don't you agree, Father? All right, Shirley, I'll see you tomorrow.
Des mond.
Gloria.
- I'll see you all tomorrow.
- Bye-bye, Tony.
Takings were up by 50%, which means that if we continue at this current rate of growth there should be healthy profit at the end of the year.
- It also proves my theory that we - Needed a junior.
Try working with him rather than against him, Father.
Give it a try, Desmond.
If it doesn't work out we'll ask him to go.
Oh, listen, Dad, I still love you.
Even though Tony is more handsome.
- D'you want a hand? - No, I'll be up in a minute, darling.
All right.
(Laughs) If profits continue to grow I'll soon be able to build a house brand new! - Here, Des, look what I found.
- Well said, Pops.
I found him rapping at the top of his voice in the middle of the High Road.
Thought I'd bring him home before the Old Bill does.
- Oh, thanks, Lee.
- I'll see you later, all right? Look at you, making a fool of the family.
Hi, Dad.
I know I'm a little bit drunk, but don't get mad at me.
- Because you do it all the time.
- Yes.
But I'm over 18 and not legally responsible to anybody.
I can do what I like.
Yeah, man, you're well over 18, guy.
Don't be feisty.
I've got a good mind to box you, you're still a little boy.
What have you got to say for yourself? Wasn't my fault, Dad.
They didn't give me the T.
Even though I drank the three cans of super-tea you have to drink to get your T, they still didn't give it to me because I wasn't wearing the racoon's tail.
Can you believe it? So you know what I told them they can do with their T? - They can stick it - On the racoon again.
I mean, what have you got to do to get a T? What's so important about a T? Dad, if I had the T, it meant I was a member of the Beast Street Posse.
To get the B, you have to be bad.
All that means is you walk around and look tough all day.
E, easy rider.
You do a few tricks on a BMX.
A is for Aikido.
S is for sex.
You didn't, did you? No, we just lie about it.
Everyone else does.
And after all that, Dad, they still wouldn't let me join.
Well, if it's any consolation to you, the same thing happened to me when I was just a little older than you.
Some friends of mine were setting up a band in Georgetown.
Well, to join the band you had to have your own instrument.
Well, I know they wanted a trumpeter and I was the baddest trumpeter in town.
Jazzy D, they used to call me.
So I work hard and save up my money and I buy me own trumpet.
So I went round to where the guys were rehearsing.
And they still wouldn't let me join.
And you know why? Because they needed a new trumpet and I had a second-hand trumpet.
So I left them and I formed my own band.
(Chuckles) You don't need the Beast Street Posse, man.
Form your own posse.
Blow your own trumpet.
- You're dread, Dad.
- Me know.