Diary of an Uber Driver (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1 I can get you a helper.
Oi, dish-pig! Hmm? Jeez! - Oh, no.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
You know I don't know how to play it! - (SHRIEKS) - Oh, boy, that was close! (GIGGLES) - Ah! (LAUGHS) - Ooh! - Oh! (LAUGHS) I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
(MOCKINGLY) Ah-ah-ah! Gross.
- Fat.
- Eugh Thanks heaps, Ben.
You want me to take over? No, no.
It's all good.
I got it.
- Aw, thanks, Dad! - (CHUCKLES) It's nice to see a boyfriend wearing the pink gloves for a change.
Well, we are just friends.
Uh, friends with benefits? (CHUCKLES) Mm, sperm donor? Hey, uh, that's cool, man.
Hey, I donated blood once.
I don't know who got it.
I didn't do their dishes, but they didn't invite me for brunch, so fuck 'em.
(LAUGHS) - Hey, Beck? - Yeah? - (THUDDING) - Oh! Ah! Oh, shit.
- Oh, fuck.
- I am so sorry.
- Are you ? - Are you right? - Oh, shit.
- What happened? I didn't mean to hit so hard.
- It just It's Oh - Oh - It's all right.
I'm fine.
- I'm so sorry, Beck.
You want some ice? Thanks.
(SIGHS) She'll be right.
- Do you ? - It's fine.
Oh It's a weird tea towel.
(RETCHES) I think, uh I think I'm going to go now.
OK.
OK, bye.
Wait.
Don't you think ? I I just think we should talk about this, or something.
Why? Uh, I just need to process it, or something.
Pretty sure we should just forget about it.
Yeah, but What'd you say your name was again? Aaron.
Right.
Aaron.
Yeah, maybe we should just pretend it never happened? - It was seven months.
- Yeah, I know how long it was.
This is I Oh I I'm just I'm I'm freak I'm freaking out.
You should just say what you need to say about it now because I don't think you should talk to anyone else about this.
Well, I just I I don't know.
I I don't I don't know.
I've never been in a relationship that long.
It wasn't a relationship.
Oh, Aaron, come on.
Maybe this was more serious to you than it was for me.
Every single night.
We chatted every single night.
I speak to a lot of people every night.
So do I.
But none of them say the types of things that she said to her.
Please don't.
And I definitely have never done any of the things that she said she wanted to do to her.
What do you want? I just want us to both agree that it felt real.
It wasn't real.
How old are you? Are you 28? - Yeah.
- Right.
So, that was true.
Yeah.
I'm 30.
Four years older than what she said.
Are you a network engineer at Telstra? Yeah.
Cool.
Are you really a sales assistant at Sportsgirl? No.
What do you do? I mean, I'm I'm I'm I'm unemployed.
But you're really an artist, though? Uh, I I guess.
Fantasy illustrations.
Cool.
Uh, I Look, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's not your fault.
I'm the one who instigated this.
It wasn't you.
I I'd never seen another Night Elf in that part of Wyrmrest before, and when I saw you didn't have a guild, I just started bugging you.
Like I was trying to trick a level 41 Tauren into giving me some items he'd just gotten, and when I saw you, I thought I'd offer you the amulet - he'd just given me.
- By that point, I'd been a female elf for three weeks.
Well, I've been doing it for a year.
I was the first to say I was bisexual.
But you were the first to say "I love you.
" - OK, I have to go now.
- OK.
Look, why did you even bother coming? Just on the off-chance that she'd sleep with you even after she found out you were a guy? But you did the exact same thing.
In fact, getting the hotel was your idea.
- That's very predaceous.
- Oh, don't give me that.
You loved the idea.
As far as I can remember, it made you 'dripping wet.
' What ? What the fu ? What do you want? I told you.
I just want you to admit it.
- Admit what? - That you were in love with her.
It was just physical.
Goodbye.
OK, OK.
All right.
All right.
We'll just pretend it never happened.
Thank you.
And then we can just go back to chatting online - like always - No.
Obviously, without any of the lesbian cyber-sex.
No! Greg, was it? Yeah.
Greg, I'm sorry.
It's over.
(SIGHS) Fine.
At least At least take the things.
OK.
Can I just say one more thing? Yeah.
My Grandma died.
That's real.
That really happened.
Uh I just wanted to say having her to talk to really helped.
Well she was happy to be there for you too.
BEN: Meeting someone at the airport, or ? Sorry? No, someone gave them to me.
Oh, right.
Special occasion, or just just because? Goodbye gift.
Get anything good? I don't know.
Wouldn't think you'd be able to fly with flowers.
Hope you didn't get exotic fruit, or you'd have nothing left to take.
(CHUCKLES) It's drawings of me and her.
Oh, right.
That's quite sweet, I guess.
Is she any good, or ? Can you turn around? Sorry? Please, can we just go back? So, you don't You don't want to go to the airport? I need to go back.
Please, can we turn around? No worries.
(LANDSLIDE BY DRESS THÈQUE PLAYS) Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Greg.
Greg! (SIGHS) (CHUCKLES) Oh! Hi there! - Hi, Alex.
- Hi.
Yeah.
And who's this guy? Hey, mate.
- What's your name, little guy? - Oh, this is Byron.
Byron! You ever been to Byron Bay, Byron? That's where I learned that getting dreadlocks is not a decision you make in a weekend, hey? All good, Alex? You ready to roll? Can you take dogs without people? Uh, yeah.
I haven't before, but totally.
Wow, that's awesome.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, wait, sorry.
Still going to 31 Kalarah Street? Yes.
I have to go away for the night.
It's a work thing.
- Can't get out of it.
- Oh, right.
- Yeah.
- Sorry to, uh, hear that.
Got to make that bread though, right? Bye, Byron.
I love you.
I'm sorry.
All right, Byron.
Just you and me, mate.
Let's rock'n'roll.
(LOVE YOU TIL I DIE BY RAT! HAMMOCK PLAYS) Oh, Byron, Byron, Byron.
Honestly, though.
Really, really nice having you in the car, buddy.
It has been a weird one this morning, actually.
Not the weirdest, just a little, you know a little bit off.
Probably all smells like roses in here to you, eh? Yeah, but that's because the last guy, he actually had roses in here.
So (RUNAWAY BY THE CORRS PLAYS OVER RADIO) I would run away with you 'Cause I - Have fall - (RADIO STOPS) (WHINES) Really, Byron? I don't know if I can really do this one right now, mate.
(WHINES) (SIGHS) You are the boss.
(RUNAWAY BY THE CORRS PLAYS OVER RADIO) Make love to me through the night 'Cause I have run away I have run away, yeah, yeah I have run away Run away I have run away with you 'Cos I Have fallen in love - With you - (RADIO STOPS) I'm sorry.
Fuck! Sorry.
(SIGHS) That last bit of the song, it always Also I have a bit of reflux from lunch, but Aw.
Thanks, Byron.
Thanks, mate.
OK, we're here now.
Byron, you can get out now.
We're here.
You're going to make me carry you.
This isn't part of the service, Byron.
Who the fuck are you? I'm Ben, the Uber driver.
What? Where's Alex? I brought your dog? No! No! - No, no, no, no, no! - Sorry.
She was supposed to come! Sorry, she just asked me to bring him here.
I didn't know about this.
Answer your phone, please! OK, I'm just going to leave Byron here and go What? No, you can't leave him here.
Alex was supposed to drop him off! Um Alex needs to come or I'm not taking him.
- What? - Take him back.
To to the dog park? I don't even think she's still there.
Who was she at the dog park with? No-one.
Don't lie to me! I'm not lying, I promise.
- Take him back.
- OK, but, um Get out of my house now! - Get out of my house! - Wait, wait, wait.
I can't take Byron anywhere right now.
The trip has ended.
I'm not allowed to take passengers without a trip.
That's Alex's problem.
I don't know where to take him! Call her.
What? Call her.
If you call her, she'll answer.
OK.
But the thing is, I think she said she was going away.
- Call her.
- OK.
OK.
Can I ? Just let me Tell her to come here, but don't tell her that I told you.
Tell her to come here, but don't tell her that I told you.
OK.
OK.
Tell her to come here, but don't tell her that I told you to call.
OK.
OK.
- 04 - I have it.
I have it.
Hey, Alex.
What's up? Uh, oh, it's Ben, the Uber driver.
Yeah.
Yep.
You know what? Don't even worry about a tip.
Um, yeah, Byron's fine.
But the thing is, I was just wondering, could you possibly come over to where I dropped Byron off real quick? Yes.
Yep.
Yes what? Why are you saying yes? What'd you say yes to? Right.
Oh, you're already halfway to Newcastle.
Tell her I'm sick.
Right, is there any chance you could possibly turn around? Tell her I'm sick.
Tell her I'm sick.
Sure, OK.
- Tell her I've hurt myself.
- I'm not going to do that.
You fucking promised you'd come! Hello?! Ah! (SOBS) OK.
I am just going to I'm going to head off.
I'm, uh, sorry about this whole misunderstanding.
(CONTINUES SOBBING) You going to be all good here, though? (WHIMPERS) (BYRON WHINES) Oh! Looks like it might might be Byron's dinner time.
What does it mean if someone says, "I'm giving you space to learn how to love yourself as much as you love me"? Does that make sense to you? Right.
So, she broke up with you because you have low self-esteem? Right.
Yeah, I wouldn't say that breaking up with someone is a great way to make them feel good about themselves.
Mm.
Could just give you a gold star or something.
A piece of cake.
Flowers.
My aunty sent me an e-card last week.
Apparently Spider-man thinks I'm a pretty special guy.
(LAUGHS) I'm sorry.
You know what? Totally understand.
We've all been there.
Just it's my job to get my passengers home, you know.
Yeah.
I think we'd all be happier knowing Byron got home safe.
I know Alex would be.
Yeah, you're right.
Phew! (CHUCKLES) Oh, man! (DOOR SLAMS) WOMAN: (OVER LAPTOP) And rub across the base of your vagina.
Now, sometimes this angle can be a little tricky, which is why I really recommend asking your partner for help with this, because whoever said that avoiding vaginal tearing couldn't be fun? (SCOFFS) Josie.
Hey.
What you doin'? Oh, yeah.
Hey, come over and bake for me.
Yeah, can't you be with Jack here? Oh.
Nah.
No, no.
You can't do that here.
Hey, what are you guys up to? MAN: (OVER PHONE) Sorry, what'd you say? Yeah, I said where are you guys? Oh, right.
We're at the Beresford.
- Want to come down? - Oh, right.
Yeah, cool.
Yeah, well, um Well, I'm just at a friend's drinks thing now, but I'll try and stop by later.
- Yeah, right.
- OK.
- See ya then.
- Bye! - Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
Hi, Mum.
How's it going? WOMAN: (OVER PHONE) Good.
How are you feeling, darling? Yeah, no, I'm great.
Really good.
- Still exhausted? - No, not too tired.
Look, Sandy says (INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER PHONE) No, I haven't felt sick for ages now.
Well, apparently (INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER PHONE) Yeah, no, I don't need to take that stuff anymore 'cos I'm feeling fine now.
Everything's fine.
I'm good.
Mum.
Oh, but you should talk to Sandy Oh, actually, Mum, uh, Josie's just arrived.
Oh, has she? OK.
Mum, I've got to go.
Sorry.
OK.
Give Sandy a call.
- OK.
- OK.
- Bye.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
- Bye, darling.
(SIGHS) WOMAN: (OVER LAPTOP) Of course, there's never a guarantee that we can avoid tearing completely, but it is proven that we can reduce the amount of vaginal trauma.
- Ah! - Look, you might feel some discomfort - Ow! - the first few goes, - but I think a little stretching today - (KNOCKING AT DOOR) is a lot better than stitches tomorrow.
Ben.
I'm not a sperm donor.
What? I'm not a sperm donor.
Yeah, of course.
I didn't mean Yeah, I know that, Ben.
I know.
I get that you and I are never going to be a thing.
I know that, Beck.
But I'm a part of this.
Yeah, I know you are.
And I'm really excited about it.
And I think it's good that I feel like that.
Yeah, it is.
OK.
OK.
- Ben? - Yeah.
Why are you carrying a tiny dog? Oh, yeah.
This is Byron.
His His parents are fighting.
Oh, right.
Hi, Byron! Yeah, the place I'm house-sitting has cats.
Oh, yeah, they hate dogs.
Correct.
Could he possibly stay the night? Oh, well, I don't know.
Is he good company? Well, he is really into the Corrs.
Yeah, who isn't? Not me.
Now, I've given him food on the way here, so do not, under any circumstances, let him guilt trip you into any type of treat.
- Right.
- OK? Gotcha.
So, you're all good? Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
See you tomorrow? Yep, cool.
See you then.
See ya, Byron.
Huh? See ya, mate.
Oh, hey, Beck.
(IMITATES WHIP LASHING) (CHUCKLES) Yeah, no, sorry.
I hope your head is OK.
Yep.
Hey.
Fucking Uber fuck! Calm down, mate.
You don't know! You don't! You're either lying or you look impeccable for a gay man in his 50s.
- I love you.
- WOMAN: Love you.
How did you, uh, know how to do that? It's just what my Dad would've done.
I had no idea you were scared.
I am terrified.