Digman! (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

AGATHA:
Checkmate.
You checkmated my queen,
not my king.
We're playing lesbian chess
because I'm lesbian,
so the queen trumps the king.
- Ah, fair enough. Good game.
- Shush.
Can you keep it down, please?
Why is he so nervous?
Invites are going out tonight
for the Arky Gala.
They're hand-delivered
to all the top Arkies.
Wow, the Arky Gala is
the most exclusive
and sexy event of the year.
Well, if I get invited,
you'll get to come, too.
Assistants are
mandatory plus-ones.
Oh, my goggles.
That's a catchphrase
I'm trying out
because I wear glasses.
Well, don't get your hopes up.
ArkyTV says
I'm on the bubble.
Well, I hope we get invited.
- It sounds fun!
- I don't want to go to have fun.
I want to go
so I can curry favor
with a venerable
Richard Longtooth!
Who? -He's the CEO
of Splunk Energy Drinks.
Rip and Bella were
their spokespeople.
- You were a Splunksman?
- Indeed.
And together
we were Splunkspeople.
It's not often
that advertising meets art,
but in our campaign,
that's exactly what transpired.
If you're stuck in a funk ♪
You got to drink Splunk ♪
Will it shrink my junk? ♪
What, are you drunk? ♪
That rumor's debunked ♪
I got to drink Splunk. ♪
I know if I can just suckle
a tiny taste of talky time
with Longtooth, a Splunksman
once more could I be.
[doorbell rings] -That
could be the fucking invite!
- [elevator bell dings]
- [panting]
Sorry, Rip.
Just testin' out the doorbell.
You got to do that every year.
Ugh, Swooper,
don't do that again.
I'm expecting
someone very important.
[doorbell rings]
I told you not to ring it again!
I didn't. It rang on its own
'cause it's broken.
See? Good thing I tested it.
[doorbell rings]
Sorry, that was me.
It was an accident that time.
[doorbell rings]
Sorry, forgot you didn't want me
to ring it.
- That's on me.
- [doorbell rings]
Okay, that time,
I was doing a goof
where I pretended to push it,
but then I did actually push it,
so I know I messed up.
♪
[doorbell rings]
- Sorry. Another accident.
- [doorbell rings]
Rip Digman, you have been
invited to the Arky Gala.
Yes! This is
the happiest I've been
in many moons!
♪
♪
And, for the occasion,
my tuxedo of deepest brown.
Remember,
my darling Maraschino Cherry?
Dip me, Rip,
like I'm a mozzarella stick
and the floor is
marinara sauce.
- Hydip!
- [cheering]
Oh, how I miss you.
[grunts]
Tux shrank in the closet,
probably due
to the temperate air.
Let me just [choking]
- [grunting]
- Ow!
It was an accident!
It's archaeology's
biggest night,
and all the stars are out,
from Mayor Magooble
to Zane Troy himself.
Oh, Rip Digman.
Say, what's it like to be back
at the Arky Gala
after so many years
- as a punchline?
- A punchline?
You mean the best part
of a joke? It feels great.
And as always, no one
outside of the venue will have
any idea what's going on inside.
[laughs] That's right, Howard.
As you can see, guests are
depositing their phones
and signing NDAs
in order to enter the event.
But I wanted to play
with my clock app.
So we'll never know exactly
what's happening at this party,
but I would imagine
there are a ton of drugs.
More flake than
you can possibly imagine,
and probably a sex room.
A big, orgy sex room
where everyone is fucking
and sucking
to their heart's content. Howard.
Thanks, Doreen,
for that vivid speculation.
But alas,
we can only wonder
what sort of debauchery
goes on in there.
Rest assured, whatever it is
must be very cool.
Hey, everyone, it's time
for the Arky shuffle!
Dig, dig ♪
Clean dirt from a vase ♪
Now look inside a tomb
and get scared of a mummy♪
Run away from the mummy,
now dust a little dust♪
Whip to the left,
whip to the right♪
Now excavate
and swing from a vine♪
- Come on, Rip.
- Hard pass.
I haven't danced
since Bella died.
Sink, sink ♪
There's quicksand
on the floor♪
- Excuse me.
- My God.
It's synchronicity.
It's exquisite.
I spy with my little Arky eye:
- Mr. Longtooth.
- Great!
I can show him a magic trick
to butter him up.
I shoved a huge ribbon
in my throat before we got here,
and I'm dying to get it out.
Respectfully,
that sounds like
the worst idea I've ever heard
in my entire life.
- That was respectful?
- Yes.
The disrespectful version
would've been that it was
the worst idea I've heard
in all my many lives,
were I to believe
in reincarnation,
which I strongly don't.
Anyway, you need to head over
- to the assistants' section.
- SALTINE: Aw, man!
I can't believe how many people
are drinking champagne here
when they could be enjoying
a Splunk Energy Drink.
Oh, hey, Mr. Longtooth.
I didn't see you there.
Is there a finer sight in all
the world than the Arky shuffle?
Mmm! It's absolutely
mesmerizing. Oh, Rip Digman.
Been a while since I've seen you
around these parts.
Well, I'm back
and feeling very good,
which reminds me of my favorite
flavor of Splunk, Berry Splunk.
Well, this is pathetic.
Rip, are you seriously
trying to pitch yourself
as a new Splunksperson
for Splunk?
How desperate.
Mr. Longtooth, would you care
to see a magic trick?
Wow, there was
so much ribbon in there.
- Oh, goddamn it!
- Can I buy you a drink?
It's an open bar, but sure.
Hello, fellow assistant Arkies.
What do you all think
of the latest issue
of Assistant Arky Magazine?
Hmm. Talk about a humdinger, right?
Ah! -Hey, I haven't seen you
around before.
I'd be more than happy to
show you the ropes if you want.
You know, mentor you.
- [groans]
- Back off, creep.
Oh, s-sorry, ma'am.
S-Sorry.
Hey, I'm Trisket.
I like your vest.
Thank you.
It helps me keep track of
where my torso ends and begins.
By the way,
wearing sunglasses inside
where you're protected
from UV rays,
that's badass.
- Want to try them on?
- Over my glasses?
- Okay.
- Looks good. I like your vibe.
Really? My mom always said
I come on too strong.
But then again,
she doesn't talk to me anymore.
Neither does my dad. Oh, no.
See? I'm doing it again.
Nah, it's cool.
My parents hate me, too.
Apparently,
no daughter of theirs would ever
"moon people all the time."
- Whoa. You're so cool.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, you want to go, flyboy?
I'm down for a donnybrook!
Oh, yeah? I'm gonna punch
the tip of your cock.
[grunting]
[straining] Come on.
- [groans]
- [gasps]
BOTH:
Wait, you're his assistant?
Saltine,
why are you fraternizing
with my greatest enemy's
subordinate?
- That's Trisket, my new friend.
- Oh, no, she's not.
If I ever catch you talking
to her again, you're fired.
- But that's not fair!
- And that goes double for you,
- Trisket, you little wanker.
- Okay.
Oh, man.
[knocking]
[groans]
- [Trisket sighs]
- [gasps]
Please tell me
you're not gonna drink that.
Trisket, we're not supposed to
talk to each other.
We could get fired.
Then let's go somewhere
they can't see us.
You mean break a rule?
Okay, I'm obsessed.
- [glass clinking]
- Attention, everyone.
I'm Billy Themet,
head of the Met,
and I want to welcome you all.
I haven't tried the food
because I'm waiting for
my wife to cut it up for me,
but it smells delectable.
I want to share
an exciting announcement.
Tomorrow we break ground
on a new wing of the museum,
all thanks to a generous
donation from Rich Longtooth.
The Longtooth wing
will be just as refreshing
and exciting as my
non-FDA-approved energy drinks.
[gasping]
- [crowd coughing]
- Everyone into the temple.
Detonate the charges.
We're here to stop the museum
from expanding.
- So we can say Zapper's Arcade!
- [crowd gasps]
HIGH SCORE: Sorry to crash
your party, moldy oldies.
You can call me High Score
'cause I have the high score
in every game at Zapper's.
Meet your other hosts
for the evening.
- Boombox.
- Pump up the volume.
Tomboy. -I'm a girl
that dresses different.
- Allergies.
- [sneezes]
- Slingshot.
- Sling-a-ding dong.
- Dojo Dave.
- [grunts]
- Australia.
- Have a go, ya mug.
- And Booby Trap.
- [farts]
Zapper's is where we hang out
every day,
and we're not gonna let
a bunch of moldy oldies
tear it down just to make
your stupid museum bigger.
So, here's how this is gonna go.
Mayor Magooble is
gonna sign this form
to make Zapper's Arcade
a historic landmark
that can't be demolished.
Do that, Mr. Mayor,
and you'll find
your campaign contributions
drying up
- before the next election cycle.
- I can't sign it.
- It'd be political suicide!
- [murmuring]
Suit yourself, but if you don't
sign within an hour,
an Arky will die
every ten minutes.
- Of natural causes?
- No, of murder.
- [all gasp]
- All right, enough of this BS.
There's no way
these snot-nosed brats
are gonna murder anyone.
[groans]
Oh, won't we?
The children have
the upper head.
You'll never get away with this.
Oh, yes, we will.
You moldy oldies
gave up your phones,
so you can't call the cops.
And those NDAs you signed means
no one can say a word
about what happens tonight.
You're trapped!
Mon Dieu, he's right.
The NDAs.
Why did we sign those?
It's your choice, Mr. Mayor.
Sign the landmark form or watch
the world's greatest Arkies die.
And if any of you are
thinking about escaping,
we filled the moat
with piranhas.
Even if you made it across,
you'd have to deal with
an oil slick.
Booby Trap.
Holy hell.
One step on that oil,
and we'll likely slip
straight to death.
Well, well, well. Rip Digman.
I've played your arcade game
at Zapper's.
My arcade game?
Digman: The Arcade Game!
King Tut is back,
and he is pissed
at archaeologists.
BELLA: Play as Rip or Bella
as we battle
to rescue Swooper
from Tut's evil clutches.
RIP:
Power up by eating iguana jerky.
[chewing]
But don't let Tut defeat you.
Tonight I dine on Arky hummus.
RIP:
Good God.
And it's the only game
with ungrounded wiring so
you get shocked as you play.
- Ow! Fu--
- Digman!
But they buried all the copies
of my game in the Arizona desert
after everyone complained
that it was impossible to beat.
Impossible to beat? [laughs]
No, you just got to
know the trick.
The trick? What trick?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Australia, Slingshot.
Search the whole museum.
Hunt for stragglers.
Dojo Dave.
You're in charge of security
while we're gone.
- [grunts]
- Got to be honest.
This kid has
amazing leadership skills.
- I can't see anything.
- Here.
SALTINE:
Wow.
This is my favorite room
in the museum.
It's an exact recreation
of a bedroom
from the Victorian era.
Ooh! It even has
an authentic chamber pot.
- Man, that thing is beat up.
- I know, right?
And look,
there's even an original copy
of my favorite book.
There are many stories about
heights that are not wuthering.
This is not
one of those stories.
- Such good writing.
- This is cool.
I've never hung out
with an assistant Arky
- I actually like.
- Same.
- You're like my first friend.
- Yeah, same.
Maybe we can have
another friend-hang next week.
That sounds great.
Oh, who am I kidding?
Rip and Zane would never
allow that.
And I can't get fired.
Being an Arky is my dream.
I'm sorry.
This needs to be
a one-night-only friendship.
Alas, we're fated to be
star-crossed homies.
Star-crossed homies.
I love that phrase. Oh!
- Hey there, kids.
- Okay, here's the deal.
Whoever gets us the hell
out of here will be named
the spokesperson
for Splunk Energy Drinks.
In that case, it shall be me.
Toodle-oo, chaps. [grunts]
[laughs]
[crowd gasping]
Merde. He was
the best jumper of us all.
I could certainly
never jump that far.
Man, that skeleton is
cool as shit, though.
Silver lining, I guess.
What are you kids doing here?
Uh, just enjoying
this awesome museum.
But it's closed.
Yeah, we absolutely
love history,
- so we snuck in.
- Ah, I used to do that.
Let me guess. Gate C?
Exactly. Gate C.
Well, you guys picked
a simply fascinating exhibit,
but there's just one problem.
- There is no Gate C.
- Now!
HIGH SCORE: Australia,
report in. Everything clear?
Could use your help
with the hostages.
- Hostages?
- [Australian accent] Uh, yeah.
It's all bonzer out here.
And good on ya for asking.
Copy that. Over and out.
- Wow. That was fucking spot-on.
- Right?
[indistinct chatter]
[sighs] We are dead.
Sure, eventually
we'll go the way of all flesh,
but perhaps not today.
Follow me.
[snoring]
This temple was transported
completely intact from Egypt,
and inside was
a great pharaoh's tomb.
As was tradition,
he was buried
with his organs hidden nearby
in Canopic jars.
If we can find
a preserved organ like this,
we can throw it in the water
to distract the piranhas.
[grunts]
Soup's on.
♪
[gasps]
[grunts]
Don't you have
a race car bed to piss?
[groans]
[grunting]
Whoa! [grunting]
He's just a kid, Rip.
How are you losing?
He's shockingly strong.
[grunting]
I have mixed feelings
about this.
- [groans]
- Hey, Rip.
Fuck off.
Zane's about to get out
and free us all.
One more step,
and he's my new Splunksman.
Never! [grunts]
Ah!
- [laughs] Nice.
- [overlapping angry chatter]
[grunts] Wha
Well, your hour is up,
Mr. Mayor.
What's it gonna be?
- I'll never sign.
- Very well.
Then the time has come
for an Arky to die.
- Any volunteers?
- ALL: Him!
- [whimpers]
- Oh, my goggles.
- Where are we going?
- After observing those kids,
I think I know
how to defeat them.
Wait. Should we even bother?
- What do you mean?
- If we do,
everyone will learn the truth,
- that we're friends.
- [sighs]
I can't keep our friendship
in the shadows anymore.
Here. I stole this
from the gift shop earlier.
- It's a brontosaurus bracelet.
- That's funny.
I also got you
a bronto bracelet.
Whoa. Okay,
this just got quite real.
Time for your kill scream, Rip.
Any last words?
Only these: Mr. Longtooth,
feel free to use
my image posthumously
in an ad for Splunk.
I don't mind.
- [murmuring]
- I'm not sure that's
You can make me do
whatever feels right.
It can be demeaning,
nasty, perverted stuff.
If you want, you could even use
actual footage of my autopsy.
And the doctor could be like,
"Hey, where's the balls?"
That is A-okay with me.
Wow. You really are a sad man.
[chuckles] Sad?
Would a sad guy do this?
[crying]
It's game over for you, Rip.
Game over?
Wait. What about this?
If I can beat your high score
in the Digman video game,
you let me go.
If I can't, you can kill me
and everyone else here.
What the fuck, Rip?
No, I think I'll just kill you.
Oh, I get it.
Is this how you keep
your high scores intact?
You murder anyone
who may actually
- threaten your pixelated crown?
- No, I
Fine, then, just kill me,
since you're so afraid
I'll humiliate you.
Just do it and then kill Zane.
Bring in the game.
[grunting]
Here are the rules: if Rip beats
High Score's high score,
you go free.
If he doesn't, you die.
- Step aside, pizza face.
- [arcade game jingle plays]
It's go time.
- [all gasp]
- Aw, fucking no way!
Oh, I'm so fucked!
I'm so royally fucked!
And one quarter pourer to boot.
[slurping]
Time's up, Rip.
I'm coming, Bella.
- Not so fast.
- Saltine!
- [blows]
- [sneezes]
Wh-What?
I can't hear my boombox.
Who am I?
[crying]
- [screams]
- [exhales]
- Ha!
- Whoa, whoa.
[straining]
- Hooray! All right!
- [cheering]
Yay!
Rip, before you say anything,
this is Trisket,
and she's my friend.
If you can't accept that,
it's your problem.
No, yeah, it's fine.
I don't give a shit
about that stuff anymore.
You saved our lives!
- Oh, really?
- Trisket, we're leaving.
Ugh! I got to go.
Zane's my ride.
Wait a minute.
Where's High Score?
♪
Huh.
[grunts]
High Score? [groans]
I was hoping
you'd find me in here.
[with accent]: Perhaps I
should introduce myself.
You already did.
You're High Score.
My name isn't High Score.
It's Ponce de Leon.
500 years ago, me and
my fellow conquistadores--
Tomboy, Allergies, Boombox
and the rest--
found the Fountain of Youth
here in Nueva York.
I created a cover story
that it was in Florida
to throw people off,
but we've been living
in a state of
perpetual youth for centuries.
Ironic, isn't it?
After all that,
I was the moldiest oldie of all.
Whoa. So, uh, just wondering.
Can this fountain bring people
back to life?
No, it just makes you
look younger.
But the older you get,
the more often
you need to drink from it.
That's why I'm always sipping
from my cup.
The water from the lake
runs up the tube
into the soda fountain.
But I can't let it fall
into the hands
of the museum,
it's too addictive.
It makes you feel youthful,
like bangs,
but it also overtakes your life,
like bangs.
So I'm gonna hit this button
and destroy it once and for all.
[groans]
- [both gasp]
- Don't move a muscle.
Wait, not even my heart muscle?
Because I would die.
You know the heart is a muscle, right?
I swear I'm not trying to be
a know-it-all.
I'm just saying, you said,
"Don't move a muscle,"
but I got to keep moving
that one, Mr. Longtooth.
[laughs]
Okay, my hands are up.
What the hell are you doing,
Longtooth?
I've been searching
for the fountain for decades.
When I discovered it was here,
I donated a fortune
to expand the museum
and gain access.
And now that it's mine,
I'll add it to Splunk.
An addictive drink that
also makes you look younger?
I'll make billions.
[slurps]
Oh. Ah, I feel 40 years old.
The age at which life begins,
according to
Women's World magazine.
I bet I can do the splits
again. [laughs]
Rip, I need to tell you
how to beat
the Digman video game.
It's impossible to beat it solo,
but when you play it two-player,
Rip and Bella can do
a combo move
to defeat the final boss.
It's all about
it's all about teamwork.
- He's dead.
- Saltine, you heard him.
- We need to do teamwork.
- But what kind?
The one thing Longtooth
can't tear his eyes away from.
- The Arky shuffle.
- [gasps]
Two, three, four.
Now dig, now dig ♪
Clean dirt from a vase ♪
Now look inside a tomb,
get scared of a mummy♪
-Run away from a mummy. ♪
- Wait.
Wait, what are you doing?
My God.
That dance, it's incredible.
[whispers]: It's working.
He's falling under our spell.
- Now let's ice this moldy oldie.
- For High Score!
- [grunts]
- [gargling]
Aw, look.
He's just a baby now.
Indeed, but it'll wear off.
Ponce said so himself.
There's only one thing
left to do.
[grunting]
He's actually an old man,
don't forget.
I know it looks bad,
but it's totally aboveboard.
This is a necessary evil.
Not even evil, just totally
and completely necessary.
[grunts, sighs]
There.
That piece of shit is dead.
Man, that's tough to look at.
Also, I got to say,
didn't feel good doing that.
But it was the only option.
Had to do it.
I'm sure he's gonna re-age
any second,
and it'll be like
I definitely didn't kill a baby.
[chuckles nervously]
Any second now.
I'm betting it still reverts
even though he's dead.
That magic water's gonna
wear off, and it'll be aces.
Any second.
[gasps]
Oh, fuck yes!
Thank Christ! [laughs]
That was a little touch-and-go
there for a minute,
right, Saltine? [laughs]
And by the way, I'm off the hook
for the one earlier, too.
The karate guy?
He was also old.
Yeah, man.
All right, now that that
is neatly and morally settled,
let's blow this place to hell
and get out of here.
[explosions] -Did you yell
"For High Score" earlier?
I did. Yeah.
It's weird in retrospect.
We didn't really know him, and
he was pretty much the villain
most of the time, but
[chuckles] heat of the moment.
A giant sinkhole formed
next to the Arky Gala
last night,
destroying Zapper's Arcade
and killing the CEO
of Splunk Energy Drinks.
We wish we could provide you
with more details,
but since everyone signed NDAs,
nobody who was there is allowed
to say what happened.
Airtight NDAs once again
spoil what we can only assume
would be a great story.
[Saltine and Trisket grunting]
Ooh! We almost got him.
We got to do the combo move.
BOTH:
C-C-Combo!
If ever you think about ♪
The happiest days
of your life♪
Cast back your mind
for a while♪
Yeah!
[Saltine whoops]
[gasps]
I couldn't have done it
without you, Bella.
BELLA: I love you.
We will never be apart.
Just remember all the good
times that you had-[sighs]
[kissing]
Oh, no! Damn it!
Do you remember
only happy days♪
Full of flaming Junes ♪
Fleety! Stop!
It was an accident!
- [grunting]
- [Fleety screeching]
Or do you remember ♪
Those stormy Novembers ♪
When we walked
in the wind and the rain?♪
Schooldays were
such happy days.♪
Chirp.