Dilbert (1999) s01e04 Episode Script

Excuse me.
Can I get in? You've gotta start driving with more attitude.
Attitude? I've got attitude to spare.
"Please don't hurt me" is not attitude.
It's an invitation to get capped.
Why don't you use the watchamacallit? That's only for use in dire emergencies, like when I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give birth.
So, in other words, never.
Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8:00 a.
m.
was a good time for everyone to go to work? There would be no rush hour if there was no rush.
You have no understanding of human nature.
If people weren't forced to come to work at a certain time, they wouldn't come at all.
You have no faith in humanity.
People are basically good.
No, no! Help! Help me! What should we do? Close the windows.
I'll turn on the radio.
Just don't change any of my presets.
Oh, heaven forbid.
All music, all the time.
More music and much less talk.
We're the all-music station, except for right now which is a fluke more than anything.
This is a nightmare.
And in business news Ah, finally.
Stocks are way up again today as every idiot with a telephone is dumping his lunch money into the market.
That's outrageous.
Idiots shouldn't have money.
They won't have it long.
The only people who make money in the stock market are the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the scenes.
Or the ones who write books about investing.
They're the worst.
Great.
Now traffic is completely stopped.
This is insane.
You know, this would be a perfect time to field test this thing.
Okay, but just once to see if it works.
On my mark- Three, two, one.
Nice shooting.
Somehow, I just don't feel right about that.
Just drive.
I've got a book to write.
Wally, I hold it.
Oh, hello, Dilbert.
"Hello, Dilbert" nothing- were you just reading a book? Are you bonkers? What makes you think that? My own eyes.
Hardly a reliable source.
I just saw you.
You did not.
Then what is this? Oh.
That.
That is not a book; it's a way of life.
Get Rich or Get Out of My Way, INVESTING DOGBERT STYLE.
It's full of investment tips that no one ever thought of before.
I've done the first exercise and already I'm a millionaire on paper.
What was the exercise? You write down on a piece of paper "I, Wally, am a millionaire.
" Millionaire has two L's, like your name Which, oddly enough, you also spelled wrong.
Uh, that's my nickname- Wally with one L.
Who calls you that? Most people- they just don't realize it.
And now you're going to apply your special brand of genius to the stock market? The time to strike is nigh.
Are you in? Did you say "nigh"? It's a word.
How about if I just watch in stunned silence for the first round? Welcome to Dogbert's more than full price brokers where your dreams turn into large transaction fees overnight.
Okay, let's see.
"Invest in the company where you work "only if you have actual knowledge of what's going on inside the company.
" Insider trading is illegal.
You could go to jail.
Wally, I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA Project before the IOC meeting.
Well, that has "alibi" written all over it.
Are you in? Okay, I'm in.
Excellent.
Now, uh, what's the name of the company We work for? This week? Hmm.
We were called Path-Way Electronics.
Then we merged with E-Tech Management.
Now I guess we're Path-E-Tech Management.
All right, turn on the financial channel and get ready to score.
As I said, weakness in the Japanese Yen, the Swiss Franc and the Russian, uh Snot-Rag, are all bad news for poorly managed multinational companies.
We're a poorly managed multinational company.
As soon as he said that, our stock went down.
Join me in ten minutes when I explain why poorly managed multinational companies are a great bargain.
We're back up.
I'm seeing a pattern here.
The stock plummets on bad news which, ironically, is the best time to buy and the stock soars on good news which is obviously the time to sell.
It's go time.
Major lawsuits over product liability Buy.
Buy.
The company announced layoffs to cut costs.
Sell.
Sell.
Alleged accounting irregularities.
Buy.
Buy.
Double or nothing.
New product announced that will compete in the vaporware arena.
Sell! Sell! Oh, that was exciting.
Well, back to work.
Back to work? We're on a hot streak.
Yes, and, if we keep going, we'll be on a cold streak.
Let's leave it at that.
Wuss.
You can't get out now.
You're in too deep.
There's no turning back.
It's all in the book.
That book is worthless.
We're going to be ruined.
And now investment guru Dogbert.
Shh! Quiet.
It's him.
Hello.
The Chinese have a word for crisis.
It's made up of two characters- Danger and Opportunity.
Although this has nothing to do with anything I enjoy mentioning it.
What should we do now? Now? Now is definitely the time to buy.
I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is low.
Have I ever lied to you? ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES.
You don't have to throw it in my face.
Sorry.
I'll take care of the stock price.
Excuse me a minute.
You were caught in a jungle voodoo orgy with the cast of Deep Space Nine? No! Well yes.
Samuel, serve the poison.
Must I? Yes.
Wow.
He really earns his commissions.
The stock is so cheap now, we can buy a controlling interest in our own company.
Let's do it.
Wait.
I What? Are we ready for the responsibility That comes with owing the company? Uh, I'll say no.
This is serious.
We will inherit a moral obligation- to the other stockholders, yes but more importantly, to society at large.
Who died and made you the Dalai Lama? All I'm saying is Mahatma, we're not trying to change the world here.
We're trying to make quick cash in the market and considering it's 11:30 and we started at 9:00, I'd say we're doing pretty good.
But we could change things, change them for the better.
I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things I would be a kind and benevolent boss.
Employees would be free to come and go as they please, to choose hours that fit their lifestyles.
In a word: flex-time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, flex-time, shmex-time.
Great idea.
I love it.
Can we just execute the buy already? Wally, look at me and tell me we're going to do the right thing.
I will tell you we're doing the right thing but I will not look at you.
Wally You do whatever you want.
Me? I'm cashing out.
You plan to retire? Retire? From what? I don't do anything now except surf the net.
Why should I pay for that? Besides, I really like the coffee here.
Fellas- tick, tick, tick.
Carpe diem, DILBERT.
Seize the day.
What? Carpe diem.
I think that's a fish.
Boys.
Okay.
Okay.
Good.
You two now own 51% of the company.
Yeah, but the stock's not worth anything.
I'll be right back.
Hello.
I'm Dogbert.
And welcome to SHAMS, SCAMS, AND FLIM FLAMS IN REVIEW.
Today our round table of financial experts include Vlad Corfu, financial planner for the firm of Dreman, Hal and Corfu.
Welcome.
My next guest is a pension fund manager for Pogrom Investments, Traylor Barone.
Our next guest runs her own investment firm Hey, It's Me Investments- Esther Bester.
And my final guest is a bear from the circus Formerly from the woods; do you have a name? They call me Brownie.
Okay, let's talk about the market.
What market? The stock market.
Ohh.
Ohh.
You had me worried there.
I thought you meant the white slave market of which I know nothing.
Does anybody care that I'm a bear? I'm not thrilled.
If we could, people, lets talk about The swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover of Path-E-Tech Management, Inc.
Has anybody heard that rumor? I heard a rumor that everyone in that company's gay or at least bisexual.
I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood from little plastic cups that they make from detergent bottles.
Anybody hear anything about the takeover? Why are you looking at me? I'm a bear.
He's just looking.
I swear to God, I'll come over there and one swipe with my claw and you will not have a face, my friend, okay? I have a poison dart gun; you won't know what hit you.
You won't be able to reload it fast enough before I rip you in half.
If I go down, I'll take the rest of you with me.
Okay, that's it.
What about the takeover rumors? That's what? I don't need this.
Yeah? Do you need a hideous scar across your entire body? Listen, I'm the owner of Hey, It's Me Investments.
You keep messing with me and it's going to be called Hey, It Was You.
You hear me? You hear me? Okay.
You take that back.
I believe we have a consensus.
Follow Dogbert's advice.
music Follow, follow, Follow, follow music music Follow Dogbert's advice music music We're off To spend the money music Alice, we have a controlling interest in the company.
We're both billionaires.
You'll be corrupted like the rest.
Money is the root of all evil.
It eats you from the inside out until you die a slow and lonely death.
I'll give you a billion dollars in stock if you'll shut up.
Deal.
music La, la, la, la, la, la music music La-la-la-la-la-la music Whatever you two did it boosted the stock to record highs.
You've made the rich richer and given the shaft to the small investors who bailed out too soon.
Very evil.
Good work.
Thanks.
Evil? Oh, by the way, there's a board meeting in half an hour.
As the company's major stockholders it might be a good idea to make an appearance for appearance sake.
Will there be food? Food? Do the finest doughnuts in the building sound like food to you? Ambrosia from the gods.
Dilbert, we've arrived.
Hey, Dilbert, do I have anything here? That's the only spot you don't have anything.
Don't you want to earn these people's respect? We are THESE PEOPLE so we only have to earn our own respect.
Do you respect me? No.
Do you respect yourself? No.
Do you respect me? Are you kidding? Do you respect yourself? Not really.
All right.
Let's just be quiet.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's get things started.
I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters.
Now, the first item on the agenda is to welcome our newest board members and, as of this morning actual majority owners of the company, Dilbert and Wally.
I just wanted to say whoa! Nice chip, Harry.
Thanks, Roy.
Mind if I play through? Go right ahead.
I just wanted to say it's an honor to stand among such an esteemed and august, uh, group and I hope Wally and I Hey, what's your handicap? He doesn't know when to shut up.
You two are going to fit right in here and I'm referring, of course, only to Wally.
Next order of business- Read back the minutes of the last meeting.
We gave each other stock options, discussed ways to ignore the needs of others and Hamilton had a racial joke.
Thank you, Bill.
Now on to a more pressing matter.
Gentlemen, and I say gentlemen, because there ain't no damn way a woman's going to sit on this board while I'm alive What he was going to say was apparently, despite our best efforts the company is not losing money fast enough.
Excuse me.
Did you just say the company wasn't losing MONEY FAST ENOUGH? Jeez, Wally, can't you reign this guy in? He's like a loose cannon.
Dilbert, will you stop embarrassing yourself? If you read Dogbert's book you'd know that a fast-growing company always loses money while it's expanding.
We're not a fast-growing company.
And we never will be if we don't lose more money.
So, uh Suggestions on how we can lose money faster? Uh, what if we just, uh, well Gave it to me? Oh, Wally, you're a card.
This guy kills me.
Next order of business: We have to select a new CEO.
As tradition dictates, whosoever can remove this nine iron from the golf bag will be proclaimed chief executive officer.
Ooh Wow.
First guy who tried just like the other times.
Can I just say one thing? Yes, but put his gag on first.
Can I just say one thing? Is it about golf? Not really.
Not even peripherally? No.
Could you at least hold a golf club while you talk? I guess so.
Hand him a wedge, Raul.
When I became a major stockholder of this firm I felt it was my duty to improve employee morale.
Anyway, I searched my soul, although I realize science doesn't accept its existence and I decided the best way to help the employees would be to introduce flex-time.
All in favor, say Uh, the resolution passes unanimously.
From now on all employees can make their own schedules.
You were a little too quick to agree.
I have my reasons.
"Chapter Eight: Screwing it Up.
" Flex-time.
You mean we can come and go as we please.
That's right.
From now on, you're all masters of your own Whoa! Aah! I hope someone turned off the coffeemakers.
Ooh, this turned out even better than I expected.
You compassionate bastard.
You've ruined me.
Ow! Fore! They say no one ever faced death wishing they'd spent more time at the office.
Guess I'm the first.
Mother of mercy.
Take me home, St.
Peter.
Why hast thou forsaken me? Because you were an atheist until you hit the ground.
Mental note: next time, find religion first.
Welcome back.
We were talking about rumors of the takeover of the company and the sudden and precipitous plunge in share price following Dilbert's flex-time announcement.
Traylor, I believe you had a few points.
Vlad, do you have anything to add? It's burning.
It's burning so bad.
Not everyone would agree.
Esther, apparently you've spoken to officials at the security exchange commission.
What do you see on the horizon? No.
I don't believe faces grow back but thanks.
And finally, Brownie the Bear is dead.
I want to thank Animal Control for their quick action.
Now, I have a stockholder's meeting to attend.
Fortunately for me, I am a long-term investor.
Mr.
Chairman how can you explain the moves you've made that seem to be deliberate attempts to destroy Path-E-Tech Management Incorporated and send the stock plummeting? I don't have to answer to you.
Of course, you do.
We're the shareholders.
Still, you should have sold hours ago.
It's all in my book on sale in the lobby.
Buy a copy as they kick you out.
I've owned a share of this company since my dear blessed father, rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord, passed it on to me on his deathbed.
You only own one share of stock? Don't interrupt me! I would like to know why the company stopped making those lovely biscuits with the pink sugar icing in the middle.
Well, I never cared for them myself, but they were my dear sweet father's favorite bedtime treat.
Every night he'd pour himself a gigantic tumbler of Scotch and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits until he collapsed on the kitchen floor screaming for his insulin.
And then mother would put it in a tissue box and bury it in the backyard.
Okay, we're just about out of time here.
I'm not finished, you filthy little piece of-! Security! Code: Grandma Overload.
By the way, as of this moment the stock is worth about six-tenths of a cent.
Anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt I'm offering three-tenths of a cent per share.
Wally, what shall we do? Wally? You boys really screwed up a good thing.
Now that my filthy riches are gone I'm just filthy! Nobody wants that.
Nobody! Wally, where have you been? I had to transact some business.
Wow.
That was exciting.
That buying frenzy sent the stock back up to a new all-time high.
Buying frenzy? I thought it was a selling frenzy.
You're one frenzy behind.
Hey we didn't sell.
We're still the majority shareholders and we're billionaires again.
We're hanging in there, right, Wally, old buddy? I sold everything while the old lady was bellyaching.
Wally! It was in the book.
That's right.
It's all in the last chapter- "Congratulations.
You're broke.
" Well, I'm glad I didn't sell.
Actually, you did.
You ought to change the password on your brokerage account.
This sort of thing wouldn't happen.
If everyone sold their stock I wonder who bought it all? Wow.
There's no traffic.
Yeah.
That flex-time really works.
So, now you own the company, what are you going to do? I guess you haven't heard.
What? KROK! Music that makes you deaf! K- OW! We're so distorted, you can't even tell what I'm saying! KDOA! I changed the presets.
I can see that.
Ah.
Here we go.
And in business news, it's official: Entrepreneur investment guru Dogbert has sold his controlling interest in Dogbert Incorporated for $100 billion.
Not quite that much.
There's no word on what the new company will be named.
Hey, look.
On my mark.
You haven't seen the last of me, buddy! Now, reset my radio.
I will hunt you down! I will not rest until I see you suffer for what you've done to me!