Do Not Adjust Your Set (1967) s01e04 Episode Script

Good evening.
Later on this evening you'll be able to see a recording of the Gala Show from the Royal Albert Docks.
Nelson Buchanan will be introducing a star spangled cast to the Northern Light Audience under their leader Herr Von Knutt, before the gracious presence of His Royal Highness.
the Maharishi of Kesh, and Mrs.
Smith.
Highlights of the evening will include Brian Purdy and Tina the tiny tadpole, Robert Noonan, magic in the bubble bath, Queenie Harbridge the stripping vicar, and Victor the performing herring.
The whole show is in aid of the Beginners at Home Charity and was first broadcast before an uninvited audience in 1947.
I suppose you think that's funny.
Meanwhile for the next half-hour, Do Not Adjust Your Set.
Good evening.
My name is Mtdieecarhrvaireiclyd Jjpioaadnslleoiesnn.
My name is (all at the same time).
Look, do you mind not speaking when I'm speaking.
My name is Do you mind not speaking when I'm speaking? I'm not speaking when you're speaking.
You're speaking when I'm speaking.
No I'm not.
All I wanted to say is that my name is Look you go ahead.
No, no after you.
Well go on.
Oh right then, if you're not going to do it, I will.
My name is Oh I give up, here is Denise Coffey.
Thank you.
In case you didn't catch their names, they were (all at one).
And now here are Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.
Hello.
Sorry! Here is David Jason to tell us what to do with all those left over chicken bones.
Throw them in the dustbin.
And now here's Eric Idle with a special announcement.
Hello.
Unfortunately, we seem to have mislaid the latest episode of the Captain Fantastic film.
So instead they've asked me to come along and speak to you for two or three minutes on the subject of rabbit care.
Well rabbit care can be an interesting and a fascinating study Excuse me a second Oh, well, good news I'm afraid They've found the Captain Fantastic series so that's all from me about rabbit care I did so want to speak about it I shall never get another chance now I wanted to talk about bunnies They're very nice The story so far.
Mrs.
Black, the most evil woman in the world, has been chased away from Nowhere Station, and is making bad her escape together with her sinister Blit Men.
But Captain Fantastic is hot on her trail! This is Captain Fantastic speaking.
In no time at all, I was mobile! Into what deadly trap was Mrs.
Black luring our intrepid hero? I soon caught up.
But they were nowhere to be seen.
Something told me I was getting warm.
Yes, there she was! In a Magnetic field! I advanced fearlessly.
As the Blit Men attacked I instantly employed my anti-personnel manoeuvre number three.
Er correction, number three A.
Suddenly I was the centre of attraction! She was playing with me, and I was powerless.
Left without a weapon, I was surrounded on all sides by two Blit Men! I watched helpless as Mrs.
Black turned her magnet on London! So this was her devilish plan: To disrupt the heart of the Empire, and seize control of the Metropolis! As she finished, I was hurled at the enormous magnet, and there, I stuck.
Can Captain Fantastic get off the magnet? Can he stop Mrs.
Black? Can you come back next week for Captain Fantastic? Well that was instead of my three minute talk on rabbit care.
However there is a couple of seconds to talk to you about rabbits.
Now you see rabbits are exciting and interesting because they're all Great discoveries of our time.
James Watt discovers the steam engine from the simple kettle.
- James? - What? - James? - What? Do you not notice anything strange about the way the kettle's boiling? How do you mean Janet? Well, do you not see the steam pouring out of the spout? D'you not think James that could be harnessed to provide a form of transport? You mean, a travelling kettle? Aye James.
A kettle that could travel from London to Glasgow in five hours flat.
Aye, you could have Express Kettles, and stopping kettles, and even cattle kettles.
And kettle spotters.
D'you realise, Janet, you could have kettle ways all over the world? And even electric kettles.
Aye.
Aye, and you know, I can see it now, on hoardings all over their land: It's quicker by kettle and, and Kettle fares up.
Kettle fares down.
Aye aye, and kettles go slow, Prime Minister steps in.
Mmmmmm.
Ah it's you is it my boy, and about time too.
Look at the hour.
I'm sorry father, the train was late.
And now, Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band and Ali Baba's camel.
You've heard of Ali Baba, 40 thieves had he Out for what we all want, Lots of L.
S.
D.
He also had a camel, Stole it from a zoo How he loved the camel, And the camel loved him too Oh how the camel loved Ali Baba Ali Baba's camel, Had run for miles and miles His tail was pointing backwards, That's how a camel smiles But Ali and his camel, They both were out of breath They'd run so far, and laughed so much, They laughed themselves to death.
Gather round the camp fire, Sing a roundelay But don't sing out of tune though, Eggs are cheap today Sing of Ali Baba, Sing about his men Sing about his camel and then sing it all again.
Oh how the camel loved Ali Baba Ali Baba's camel, Loved Ali Baba so No matter where he went to, The camel had to go Some say that he's in heaven, But this I know so well Where ever you think Ali's gone, His camel's gone to Oh how the camel loved Ali Baba! Oh noooooooooo.
Good evening boys.
- Evening Miss Goodbody.
- Good evening girls Oh, dear, there don't seem to be any girls at class this evening.
Oh well two of you boys will have to be girls, then.
Now who's it going to be? Oh come on, we can't start the class till there's some girls here.
Hey, Terry, Terry, you haven't been a girl for a bit have you.
Oh no, I was a girl last week Miss.
Well, I've been a girl all my life and I'm not complaining am I? Go on sit over there.
That's right dear.
And Eric you can be his little friend.
That's it, dear.
Now then, I think we're Oh, good evening Miss Prentergast, not very late this evening dear.
Now then.
Who remembers what we did last week? Anybody? Michael? Terry? No? Oh well we're just going to have to do it all over again.
Ready Miss Prentergast dear? Oh dear, now then come along David, you're the nearest gentlemen, that's right, stand there dear.
Now remember what I taught you last week.
Ready Miss P.
And, bow.
And Left foot forward, then take the hand and up and push and headlock! And release.
Right now, that's very good.
Now we'll do that with partners.
Boys pick the girls now.
Terry sit down, you're a girl, dear, that's right.
Oh yes.
Come along now, take you partners gentlemen, that's right.
Hurry up now, do it nicely.
Oh Miss Prentergast, you played that beautifully dear.
Come along now, sort yourselves out, that's right.
Right now, are we ready? Thank you Miss P.
And bow.
And Left foot forward.
And take the hand, and up, and push, and headlock.
And release.
Very good.
Very good.
Right now, hurry back to your places, hurry back to your places, because we're now coming up to what is perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of these self-defence classes.
It'll prove invaluable to you on an evening out.
It's how to deal with an attack by an armed stranger from behind without music.
Oh, not without music.
Oh! Well if you're walking down a dark alleyway at midnight I think it's extremely unlikely that Miss Prentergast will be there to aid you with her piano.
Now then, I am an innocent person, and I'm walking along, and you are a gang of rough thugs who are going to attack me from behind.
Right? Come along get into your places, dears.
That's right, come on Michael, don't sit picking your nails like that dear.
Come along, come along now, now get in a nice Get in a Get in a nice straight Get in a nice straight line.
That's right.
Now then, are we ready? And Attack.
And attack.
Come on, you're supposed to surprise me from behind.
Oh dear dear, you left that too late didn't you? Oh Miss Goodbody, we We'd rather - What is it dear? Oh tell me later, tell me later, now you've got to But Miss Goodbody, we don't want to do it.
No, no.
But you've got to do it if you want to survive.
Now come on, now don't be wet.
Right then, and Attack.
That's very good dear, now I do a quick chop to the Oh well I do a quick Oh And you do aOh What are you That's next week's lesson fellas.
Doris, Doris, dear, do your chop dear, Doris.
Music please, Miss Prentergast.
- Hello mother.
Is lunch ready? - Yes dear.
Oh good.
Got an important meeting in the office this afternoon.
Next.
Ah, come in Mr.
Weston, sit down.
Fine, let's have a look at the hand, isn't it? Well the trouble seems to be clearing up wonderfully, doesn't it? Yes, well look, I'll keep you on the ointment, but just keep rubbing it on at night, and, er, it'll teach you not to play rugger three times a week, won't it? Now, was there anything else? Oh yes, the cough.
Okay.
Cough.
Well that's clearing up marvellously isn't it? You just keep on with the cough mixture, I'll keep you on that, and I'll, I'll see you again next week, okay? Okay? Bye bye.
Oh by the way how's the wife getting along, is she alright nowadays? It is a moment of great excitement when one manages to unearth a lost theatrical art-form.
We on Do Not Adjust Your Set have made just such a discovery, and it is with pride that we give you the first television presentation of an old time Victorian Burble-drama.
Burble burble burble.
Burble burble burble.
Burble, it's burble burble.
Burble burble Burble, oh burble burble oh Burble, burble burble, Burble burble burble Burble? Burble! - Ah, burble.
- Burble! Burble burble.
Burble burble burble.
Aha, burble burble.
Burble, burble burble.
Burble.
Burble burble.
Burble BURBLE burble.
- BURBLE! BURBLE! - Burble aha burble.
.
Burble.
Burble burble burble.
Burble burble Burble Burble! Burble burble.
Burble burble! - Burble.
- AaaaarghBurble.
Oh burble.
- Burble? - Burble! - Ha! - Burble! Burble burble.
Burble burble.
Burble burble Burble.
Ha ha, burble burble BURBLE! BURBLE! Burble burble burble? Burble burble - Er, prompt? - Burble burble.
Oh.
Burble burble! Burble, burble.
Ha! Buburble, burble.
Burble! - Burble.
Burble.
- Oh, burble, burble.
- Burble.
- Burble! Burble burble, burble.
Burble burble, burble! Burble burble, burbley burble.
Burble all.
- Burble.
- Burble, Burble burble? Burble burble.
Burble Burble.
Burble buburble.
Burble.
Bububububurble.
Burbul.
Burble.